Angie Tribeca (2016–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - Pilot - full transcript

♪ ♪

[alarm buzzes]

[Grunting]

♪ ♪

[grunting]

[Grunting]

♪ ♪

- Morning, Angie!
- Hi, Angie.

- Nice to see you again.
- Have a nice day.

Looking good, Angie!

You go get 'em, Angie Tribeca.



[Siren wails]

[Police radio chatter]

♪ ♪

- What do we got?
- Oh, it's a nasty one.

Old lady, appears to be in
her late 90s, early 100s.

Found her lying here next
to this bag of groceries.

What happened?

Well, she was either shot to death

or smothered with a pillow.

I won't know for sure till
I take her back to the lab

and cut her open.

Hello.

Could someone please help me up?

[Gags]



Is that man all right?

Get it out, rookie.
You'll get used to it...

Unfortunately.

[Officer Dave screaming]

♪ ♪

Tanner, Hoffman.

Tribeca.

Lieutenant wants to see you.

What's this about?

I don't know, but he doesn't look happy.

He never looks happy.

You've got that right.

[Both laugh]

You wanted to see me, Lieutenant?

Tribeca, I'd like you
to meet your new partner.

This is Jay Geils.

[Chuckles]

With all due respect, sir, this is stupid.

I don't want a partner.
I don't need a partner.

All due respect, Tribeca,

but you've got your head up your ass.

You're getting a partner.

All due respect, Lieutenant,

but I feel very disrespected right now.

All due respect, Detective,
but I'm in charge here!

All due respect, no one
cares about your feelings.

All due respect, you make
a horrible first impression.

All due respect, I will never
hear what you have to say

- 'cause it's dumb.
- Hey, hey, hey!

You two are partners, so
you better get used to it!

Tribeca, Geils.

Geils, Tribeca.

- Pleasure to meet you.
- Yeah, right.

Lieutenant, you know that
partners never work for me.

Well, maybe partner 237 is the charm.

I've got a case for you two.
The Mayor's being blackmailed.

Get down to city hall.

He's expecting you yesterday!

Go!

Could I carry a folder, too?

Thanks.

I'm tough, but I'm fair.

There's something you should know about me.

I don't like partners,

and I especially don't like partners

who try to get personal, okay?

So I don't want to hear about
your sad, messed-up childhood,

I don't care about your
history of depression,

and I definitely don't want to know

any of your pets' names, got it?

Got it.

As if that weren't bad enough,

they forgot to tell me

that the antibiotics gives
you a yeast infection.

That was pleasant.

For the record, I just asked
you to roll the window down.

♪ ♪

We're here to see the Mayor.

What was the name of your childhood pet?

Mr. Cat.

Eleanor Roosevelt.

Boxers or briefs?

Boxer briefs.

The Mayor will see you now.

Someone has photos.

What kind of photos?

Compromising photos.

Did you hump a dolphin?

No.

No.

No, I...

No.

No, look.

I was young and stupid.

Someone took photos and
threatened to ruin my career

if I don't pay them $4,000.

I don't have that kind of money.

Who could have taken these photos?

The only one I can think of
is my wife and my mistress.

They're the only ones that
have seen me with my shirt off.

- That's it?
- And every Wednesday,

I pose nude for a drawing
class at Verdugo Valley College.

Let's start with the wife.

After that, he said, "Are you serious?"

No one gets syphilis anymore."

For the record, I just asked
if you'd ever been to Edmonton.

[Scandinavian accent] May I help you?

Is Mrs. Perry home?

May I ask you to state your business?

Listen, chump, I've had just
about enough of your lip.

Well, that was completely unexpected.

Okay. I've had enough.

[Chuckles]

Titty twister.

Ooh!

Aah!

Mrs. Perry.

- Yes.
- Tribeca. L.A.P.D.

Can I have a moment of your time?

Please, come in.

My husband is a complicated man, Detective.

Those tattoos are a part of who he was,

not who he is now.

Oh. Excuse my rudeness.

Would you like some tea?

No, thank you. I'm fine, ma'am.

Cream-filled doughnut?

No, thank you.

Baby-back ribs?

They're from a pig.

Just a touch early in the morning for me,

thank you, ma'am. Okay.

Are you sure?

Pretty sure.

- They're here if you need them.
- Thank you.

Who would try to extort
money from my husband?

Oh, I don't know. What about you?

[Scoffs] Don't be silly.

I have access to all of
my husband's accounts.

Why would I want to blackmail him?

Do you love your husband, Mrs. Perry?

I most certainly do not.

How dare you accuse me
of loving my husband.

Gyro?

Ooh!

Here's what I don't understand.

What's that?

If you can't stand your husband,

why stay married to him?

We have an arrangement, Detective.

He has his playthings.

I have mine.

So you get luge, he has his mistress.

Oh, no, no, no.

I have my playthings.

He's got a mistress? Are you shitting me?!

I shit you not, ma'am.

[Crying]

Well, that went nowhere fast.

Let's see what we can
get out of the mistress.

[Grunting]

Oh, I know the Mayor. Oh, yes.

Intimately.

When's the last time you saw him?

[Inhales]

Who?

The Mayor.

Never heard of him.

Someone's trying to take advantage

of his physical attributes.

Oh, I took advantage of his
physical attributes many times,

if you know what I mean.

Apparently, there are
photos of his body art,

photos that could destroy him.

Oh, I've already destroyed him...

With having sex with him,
if you catch my drift.

I did it with him. He did it with me.

If you understand my meanin'.

[Inhales]

You think it's smoke, but it's vapor.

We're looking into everyone
who had the opportunity

to see his tattoos.

Oh, I saw his tattoos, all right...

And his pee pee...

If you know where I'm coming from.

His bathing-suit area
without the bathing suit.

- I think you're lying.
- I think you're lying.

- You're a liar.
- No, I'm not.

You never had an affair with the Mayor.

Yes, I did.

It was sordid and raunchy and wet.

That device makes you seem
like a health-conscious person.

[Inhales]

Describe his lower-back tattoo.

What do you call it? A shamrock.

No, uh, it's a butterfly with Ivy.

- Wrong!
- It's a little unicorn...

- No...
- With a rainbow...

- No.
- No, it's not that.

No, no, I know it's not.

It's a... It's a puppy dog.

Want to try again?

- It's a diamond.
- Nope.

- It's a flame.
- Nope.

It's an eyetooth.

- Was there an eyetooth?
- I don't know.

- It's a Buddha.
- No. No.

It's a four-leaf clover.

Wrong! They're all wrong!

- It's a matchbox car.
- You're wrong.

It's a picture of a sheep with the words...

Both: "That's what sheep said."

Fine. Fine. He's not my lover.

I think we're done here.

But we did make out once in high school.

Thank you for your time, Ms. Vivarquar.

I'm gonna get one of those for my nephew.

He's 8. He'll love it.

He went to second base!

[Door opens] With me!

I don't get it.

Why would she lie about having
an affair with the Mayor?

Well, it's simple, really.

The Mayor is a man with something to hide.

Right, his weird tattoos.

Right, so he needs something else,

something to throw people off.

- A second secret.
- Exactly.

So he asks his high-school girlfriend

to pose as his mistress.

To create a diversion.

A smoke screen.

Which keeps the real secret...

Under wraps.

♪ ♪

[sighs]

♪ ♪

I...

Think we should go.

[Seat belts click]

♪ ♪

Let me help you with that.

Dr. Scholls: Interesting.

- What?
- Well, this blackmail note.

When I place it under the magnifying glass,

the print becomes much larger,

but then when I take it away,

it's immediately small again.

Hmm.

Good night, Margaret.

Ah. Dr. Edelweiss.

Scholls. Tribeca.

Doctor.

And?

Jay Geils. I'm new.

As you can see, I can't
exactly shake your hand.

Of course. I'm so sorry.

Oh, don't be sorry. You didn't do it.

Or did you?

Doctor, this is the blackmail
note I was talking to you about.

- Any prints?
- No, I wiped them all off.

Let's take a closer look, shall we?

Thank you, Scholls.

Mm-hmm.

♪ ♪

[machine whirring]

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

Magnify.

Enlarge.

Make look big.

Hmm.

Interesting.

- What is it?
- The letters.

Now, if you look at the
T's, the way they're crossed,

in that harsh, haphazard manner,

this indicates someone who's desperate.

And the b's and the d's, they tell me

that this is someone who is
in rather dire financial need.

Wow.

Yes, and look at the
spaces between the words,

those small, ungenerous spaces.

They're telling me that this person

has no respect for authority.

So let me get this clear.

What you're saying is that

this is a note written by an individual

who is desperate enough to
blackmail the Mayor for money.

Well, that's a bit of a simplification,

but, yes, I suppose so.

♪ ♪

Unh!

- It's not the wife.
- How do you know?

Oh! Because she has
nothing to gain. She's set.

Well, what about the mistress?

[Grunts] She's not even the mistress.

Who took those pictures?!

I don't know.

I feel like we're missing something.

Just doesn't add up.

Shld uh go tru da kowa?

You know what, Geils?

You may be on to something.

♪ ♪

Recognize the arch of the back
and the framework of the body.

Professor Lamereau,

two detectives from the police
department are here to see you.

- [Door closes]
- How can I help you two detectives?

Professor, we are in the
process of investigating...

I keep telling you people, it
was a scuba-gear malfunction.

I loved her.

An extortion plot.

Oh.

I understand why you
think that I might have

something to do with all of this,

but rest assured, our
figure models are treated

with the utmost dignity and respect.

The human body is a
miraculous canvas, Detective.

It's a shame that you don't
put your natural attributes

to better use for the sake of art.

I don't prance around nude for money.

Not anymore.

Pity. Such a waste.

- Hey!
- Yes?

I know what you're implying.

If you'll excuse me, I
have to get back to class.

Don't plan on taking any
out-of-state trips in the near future.

I have to be in Phoenix
for a wedding on the 14th.

Not happening.

Then, on the 24th, it's
my grandmother's birthday.

No way.

I have tickets to the Harlem
Globetrotters in October.

Those tickets are really hard to get.

Fine, Lamereau, you can go.

But don't go and do anything stupid.

I wouldn't think of it.

We'll be in touch.

I think he's hiding something.

Absolutely.

Got to get closer to him.

But how? How do we get closer to him?

Excuse me. Do you know
where the art school is?

I'm late for figure drawing class.

I'm a nude model.

I think I just got an idea.

What is it?

You're late.

[Breathes deeply]

Tribeca, can you hear me?

- I'm in position.
- Good.

Hey, where did you put your wire, anyway?

That's not important.

Let's just say we should probably

throw it out when we're done.

So it's in your bum.

All right, keep your eye
out for anything suspicious.

Copy.

Nice.

Yes.

Good.

Good!

Remember that the human body is a temple.

It's a form to be honored and celebrated.

Look upon today's Venus. She is glorious.

She is as she was created,
her skin smooth and unadorned.

She is not altered or pierced...

Or tattooed.

Hold on. What did he say?

Disgusting, dirty tattoos.

Ink, electronically embedded
in the skin... so gross.

I just hate them so much.

I would go to great lengths to
embarrass those with tattoos,

especially mildly offensive
tattoos or bad-joke tattoos.

You know, like something printed
on a mug at Spencer's Gifts.

Kind of funny in the store, but later on,

it's something your friends
think is really lame.

Tribeca, we got him. Go in for the kill.

Tell me, professor,

would you ever blackmail
someone with tattoos?

Well, if he were in a position of power

and I could stand to make
a cool $4,000, you bet.

Well, it looks like
the Harlem Globetrotters

are gonna have to find
someone else in their audience

to throw confetti on instead of water.

Your blackmailing days are over.

You won't get very far without this.

You'll never take me alive!

He's coming your direction!

I got him.

Uh...

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

Unh!

You're under arrest for
suspicion of extortion.

His aesthetic was offensive to me.

I wanted to embarrass him.

Well, then why didn't you
just bully him on Facebook

or instagram like any decent human being?

Well, I was going to do
that, after I got the money.

Well, where you're going,

you won't have to worry about that anymore.

Your own little slice of hell
called minimum-security prison.

Get ready, 'cause for
the next seven months,

you'll be making ponchos
and playing mahjong.

It's a complicated Chinese dominos game.

Good luck figuring that one out.

Aah!

Easy! Easy. Ow.

You know what, Tribeca?

You're nothing but a... Dumb jerk.

Sticks and stones...

And puppy-dog tails.

Interesting first day.

Yeah.

Sorry about earlier.

I just...

I haven't had much luck with partners.

Hey, I get it.

Listen, if you're not doing anything,

I... I thought maybe we could
grab a beer or something.

I mean, you do drink beer, don't you?

I don't drink beer. I rent it.

[Both laugh]

Yeah, okay. Sure.

So, does this mean we're, uh, partners now?

Yeah. Why not?

Partners.

Yo! Tribeca!

Lieutenant wants to see you. Okay.

Cut that with a knife.

Rain check.

Yeah.

[Sighs, clears throat]

You okay with this partner thing?

Yeah, I think I am.

I, uh... I actually have a
pretty good feeling about it.

Cool.

Me too.

I'll see you later.

Okay, cool.

[Elevator bell dings]

Aah!

[Body thuds]

Oh, crap! Somebody call 911!