Anger Management (2012–2014): Season 2, Episode 18 - Charlie and the Break-Up Coach - full transcript

I devoted myself to Mark
for eight months

and he broke up with me
in a text message.

I think what I did
is a reasonable response.

Well, I agree that writing him
that letter

expressing your pain was therapeutic.

What I'm not so sure about is...

"wanting to light his hair on fire"

"and put it out with a hammer."

It just really hurts.

I've never had to deal
with these emotions before.

This is my first time being the
dumpee and not the dumper.



I've heard that the first time
always hurts for the dumper.

Okay, Ed, that's definitely
another dollar in the jar.

No, it's okay. I don't care

because he's gonna be dead soon.

No, I'm fit as a fiddle.

Doc says my stage four homophobia

is keeping me young.

Ed, this is not the time.

The time was, like, 1952.

Oh, and here's his huge reason
for breaking up with me.

He said he wanted to have a fun summer.

Oh, my God, that's awful.

I'm totally gonna use that.

When I'm alone, all I think about



is parking outside of his house

or showing up at his job
and screaming at him.

Patrick, fixing in on those
kinds of thoughts is unhealthy.

And I think that it's important not to
spend this really critical time alone.

I have no one.

When Mark left me
he took all of our friends,

that heartless bastard.

- All of them?
- Mark was a very likeable guy.

You don't have to be alone.
There's people right here

in this room that would spend
time with you, right, guys?

Well, I would, but I want
to have a fun summer, too.

I'd be happy to hang out
with you, Patrick.

Well, there you go. Thank you, Lacey.

Yeah, and maybe we could chill
at your house and watch a movie.

Oh, and you could invite
that jewelry designer you know.

Why would I invite him?

So he could fall in love
with me and give me a necklace.

Lacey, have you ever done something nice

for someone without expecting
something in return?

Of course I have. I always do
nice things for other people.

Like one time, I told a blind
woman she needed a nose job.

How else would she know?

I'm not sure that counts, Lacey.

Actually, I'm positive
that doesn't count.

Okay, everybody, time's up.
See you next session.

Hey, Lacey, let's see if you

can do one truly selfless
thing for someone else.

Okay, Charlie. I'll do that.

Just for you.

- That doesn't count.
- Damn.

- Hey, Jen.
- Hey, Charlie.

I got a big favor to ask.

I'm thinking about
starting a new business

and I need $10,000.

$10,000?

Okay, it's just $1,000.
You see what I did there?

That's a sales trick
I learned at a seminar

that you paid $1,000 for.

Just so you know, that smile
stopped working on me $1,000 ago.

This is a huge opportunity.

Do you remember that plus-size
edible underwear company

I tried to start a couple years ago?

Yeah, why did you think that would work?

Because fat people
like to have sex, too,

and they really, really like candy.

Anyway, I had a bunch of unsold
merchandise in my garage

and it's been overrun by ants.

So you need the money
for an exterminator?

Are you kidding? The company that makes

the ant farms is looking for ants.

Those ants are crawling gold.

You know what? You are a
public service ad for college.

I didn't go to college
'cause I was supporting you.

So I never found out what I'm good at.

I hear you, Jen, but I'm not so
sure that ants are the answer.

I don't agree. I think it'd be great.

Okay, well, we can talk
about it... is that an ant?

Son of a bitch! I hate 'em! Ugh!

Charlie, you've got to help
me find something.

Patrick? What are you still doing here?

Oh, I'm just thinking about what
it's gonna be like to be alone.

Today, tonight,

tomorrow day, tomorrow night,

the next day,

and the next night.

Okay, I see where this is going.

Look, I would love to let you hang out,

but my dad's coming for dinner tonight.

I've cancelled on him
12 times in the last two weeks.

If I do it again he's gonna
sense that something's up.

Is there anything else I can do for you?

( Whimpers )

- Bad breakup?
- The worst.

Well, you know what helps me?

Knowing that someday
when he's lying in a gutter

crying and alone,
starving yet somehow fat,

he'll realize you were the best
thing that ever happened to him.

You know, Patrick,
you guys should hang out.

Jen's been through
some terrible breakups.

I remember this one with with this
incredibly handsome gentleman.

It's true, Patrick.
Charlie used to be handsome.

( Theme music playing )

Anger Management 2x18 -
Charlie and the Break Up Coach
Original air date May 16, 2013

So, hey, I think I've got a way

to trick your stepmother
into taking me back.

So I guess you weren't enjoying that
awkward silence as much as I was.

No, no, listen to me.
Here's what I'm thinking, see.

She won't talk to me so you'll call her

and say how you're
really worried about me.

I haven't stopped crying since I
read about some orphanage in Darfur.

Anyway, you'll plead with her to
come out here and take care of me

or take me back to Cincinnati.

No, wait, forget Darfur

because she may have
an opinion about that.

Just say Africa, okay? What do you say?

Uh-uh. No way. I'm not
lying to Corinne for you.

Oh, come on, Charlie.

Don't you think some good should
come out of that tragedy?

( Knocking )

- Hey.
- Hey, Lace.

Come on in. Got your phone right here.

By the way, somebody named Satan
called for you, like, 20 times.

My mother is so codependent.

Lacey, have you ever tricked somebody

into getting back together
with you before?

Have I ever not?

Don't get her involved, Dad.

No, I just want her opinion.

Easiest way to get somebody
to take you back

is to pretend you're pregnant.

I would do that,

except I think I've already
gone through the change.

You know what else works?

Put some pictures of you and a hot woman

having a great time
on your Facebook page.

I don't have a Facebook
page or a hot woman.

Well, today is you lucky day,
Old Man Charlie.

I'm gonna help you set up
a Facebook account

because I actually like helping people.

Because despite what some people
think, Middle-aged Charlie,

I am totally selfless

and I'm gonna be that hot
woman he gets to pose with.

I'm gonna do this.

And this.
( Laughs )

You really think this'll work?

Oh, yeah. Women hate me.

I thought you'd like to know

I'm not wearing any underwear.

Neither am I.

You know, not as sexy coming from a guy.

I wasn't trying to be sexy.
My washing machine broke.

( Laughing )
Oh, hey, guys.

- Hey.
- I have to thank you,
Charlie.

Jen is the best.

We spent all afternoon
in her garage killing ants.

It was so therapeutic.

She told me to think of
every little ant as my ex.

It's hard to throttle
an ant's neck, but he did it.

Excuse me. I'm just gonna
skip to the loo, my darling.

Jen, I really appreciate what
you're doing with Patrick.

Just so we're on the same page,

I'm trying to downplay
his revenge fantasies

so I'm not sure the best thing right
now is a teeny tiny killing spree.

Well, don't worry. He's feeling great.

And by the way, so am I.

I finally found it. This is
what I was meant to do...

help people by being
positive and optimistic.

Thanks, Charlie.

So you suggested she help Patrick?

No, I just thought
she should keep him company.

Yeah, and guess what it lead to.
I'm gonna be a life coach.

It's like being a therapist

except it only requires
six afternoons at the Y.

Jen, you do know that I didn't ask you

to coach or give Patrick any advice.

Oh, I'm just being
positive and optimistic.

Don't get your panties in a bunch.

No danger of that.

I won't do this
on a bare mattress, Charlie.

I feel like I'm in prison.

I told you the guy from Sears

is coming to fix the
washing machine tomorrow.

Come on, it'll be fun.

Like we're in the back of a van.

Don't you have another set of sheets?

Yeah, but your stilettos
ripped them to shreds.

It was like I had sex with Wolverine.

Okay, then, here's another dodge.

Did Patrick ever show up
for group today?

No, he didn't make it.
Why, should I be worried?

About Jen's influence
on Patrick? Probably.

I know. I know. A life coach.

That's for people
who don't want to undergo

the rigorous training
to become a Tarot card reader.

You do realize she's going to undermine

everything you're doing
with Patrick in group?

But she's been so down on herself.

And now she finally feels like she's
doing something with her life.

- I don't know what to do.
- Here's one idea.

Let's get out of this crack den and do
it someplace sexier like the kitchen

or the floor of the garage.

Race you.

Just so everyone knows,
I helped Charlie's father

set up his Facebook profile yesterday

and didn't ask for anything in return.

I even drank a Vodka Ensure with him.

That's how selfless I am.

Vodka Ensure. I'll have to try that.

I've had gin and Pedialyte.

I slept like a drunk baby.

Martin's on Facebook?

Looks like somebody here is about to
have friends in the double digits.

Good for you, Lacey.

And Nolan.

Hey, Charlie, your dad's
page is pretty cool.

He likes Frank Sinatra,

the early bird special at Red Lobster.

Oh, look at this.

He thinks Marissa is a flat,
skanky ho with a big fat ass.

He also told Lequisha if he
sees her at Juicy Couture again

he's going to rip that low-rent
weave right off her head.

He's so hip.
( Laughs )

Lacey, is this why you helped my father?

So you could set up an account
and secretly cyberbully

Marissa and Lequisha?

No. I just figured I'd reconnect
with a few of my best friends

who blocked me.

Lacey, I want you
to go back to my father,

apologize for using him, and
then take down his account.

Oh, man.

Now I'm back to nine.

Oh, sorry I'm a few
minutes late, everybody.

I'm just glad you're here. I was afraid
you were gonna miss another session.

Sorry, I was having a romantic lunch

with my new potential boyfriend.

He's on a 24-hour pass from rehab

so it was just, like, on the town.

Wait a minute. You're dating already?

It's only been a week
since Mark broke up with you.

Well, according to your ex-wife,

the best way to get over somebody
is to get under somebody.

That is so clever.

Yeah, for a T-shirt.
That's right up there with

"I'm not as think as you drunk I am."

Look, the end of a relationship
is a lot like a death.

There's a mourning process.

You haven't even begun
to examine the issues

that contributed to the end
of your last relationship.

( Laughing )

What?

That T-shirt thing. I just got it.

Where do I get one of them?

Oh, hey, Charlie.

I thought you weren't gonna give him any
advice. Now he's with another guy.

I didn't give him advice.
I just told him

the best way to get over Mark
is to find someone new.

That's advice.

Well, it always worked for me.

Worked for you? Look at you.

You're a... is Sam here?

- No.
- You're a mess!

I don't want you spending any
more free time with Patrick.

It's not free time. It's my job.

What job?

Patrick felt he was monopolizing my time

so he's paying me to be his life coach.

Oh, here are my new cards.

Could you pass them out at group?

( Knocking )

Lacey. What are you doing here?

I just wanted to talk
to you for a minute.

Well, come in. Come on.

Look, I'm gonna leave
the door open, okay?

No offense, but if my neighbors saw you

coming in here dressed like
that, they might think

you're a whore-ably
attractive young lady.

Hey.

Between you, my mom, and the cops...

Look, I need to talk to you
about your Facebook page.

I was using it to hate on
a couple of my old friends.

I'm really sorry.

Well, at least somebody
got some use out of it

'cause this Facebook thing
isn't working for me.

Why not?

Look, it was a dumb idea.

When Corinne left me

I felt so desperate and rejected.

Probably like Nolan feels

every time I refuse his friend request.

Well, you've got to have standards.

Yeah. Anyway...

You know, without Corinne in my life,

I just don't know
what's going to happen to me.

I go to bed alone. I get up alone.

Oh, my God. I've never done that.

Sometimes I'll go a whole day

without talking to another human being.

No one ever tells you how long
you're gonna be old.

You're freaking me out.

No one's gonna want me when I'm old.

High maintenance and saggy
boobs are a bad combo.

Oh, jeez, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to upset you.

Listen, you came over here

to help me learn some new stuff,

and just because it didn't
have a happy ending

doesn't mean I shouldn't
pay you for your time.

I can't. Your son wanted
me to do it for free.

I probably gave you a virus anyway.

What's it matter? My equipment is so old

I'll probably never use it again anyway.

What are you all looking at?

I'm not a whore.

But we did do it.

Right, stud?

Hey, Charlie.

Oh, good, you're here early.

Listen, I want to talk to you
about Jen being your life coach.

I'm concerned our advice may conflict

because I'm a licensed therapist
and she's a licensed driver.

Look, I know you're not happy about it,

but you're gonna get past it.

And it's just like Jen says,
when life gives you lemons,

you make something with lemons in it.

That's not even the saying.

Hey, everyone.

Hey, Jen, I'm sorry but you can't be here.
I'm about to start a session.

I know, that's why I'm here.
Hey, Patrick.

How are we feeling today?

- We're good.
- Good.

I know how we're feeling.

We're confused.
What the hell is going on?

Oh, I'm sorry. I should have
asked you guys this before.

I've invited my life coach here.
I hope that's all right.

- Fine by me.
- Bring it.

I suppose it's all right as
long as she doesn't judge me

if I say something off-colored.

It's off-color.

Even your mispronunciations are racist.

Okay, fine. Jen, you can stay,

but if you say anything I'm
gonna have to ask you to leave.

Okay. Sorry, I mean...
( Mouths )

So, Patrick, I thought
we would begin today

by talking about your recent
breakup with Mark.

Have you though about
how it might have triggered

some abandonment issues?

( Whispering )

No, I haven't.

Okay.

Do you think you can answer my questions
without the advice of counsel?

( Whispering )

( Laughs )

You're right, he does kind of
look like that, doesn't he?

Okay, that's it. Jen, you have to leave.

Well, if she goes, I go.

Then you both have to go.

Good-bye, Charlie.

Jen.

I never would have guessed
he'd have left us for a woman.

Okay, anybody want to talk about
what they're feeling right now?

I feel a little confused.

Why won't your dad
be my friend on Facebook?

For you.

What's that?

Just a little something to take your
mind off this whole Patrick mess.

I know your washing machine is fixed,

but in case it ever happens again

I just wanted to get you
a pair of backup underwear.

This one is called

hold the mustard.

You went out and bought that?

No, they were my great-grandfather's.

Yeah, well, the joke's on you

because what my great-grandfather
gave me won't fit in that bun.

Charlie, I'm sorry to interrupt.
I really need you.

What could you possibly need me for?
You know everything.

Well, I thought Patrick
was over the breakup,

but when Mark called him and said he was
gonna pick up the rest of his stuff,

Patrick lost it.

Well, that's because
he's been in denial.

Getting that phone call made him realize

the relationship is officially over.

Oh, man, I should have told him that.

What did you tell him?

To have a glass of wine
and burn a picture of Mark

as a cleansing ritual.

I guess a glass turned into a bottle

and a picture turned into
all of Mark's stuff.

Got to get over there as soon as I can.

We've got to get there before
he burns all of Mark's stuff.

We have a couple of minutes.

It's gonna take him a while
to drag out the piano.

Patrick, no, no, no. Wait, wait, wait.

- Don't do this.
- Nope, Jennifer's right.

I will never feel better
until I get even.

That's not what she said. That's
not what you said, right?

Sort of what I said.

See? It's only sort of what she said.

But this is making me feel better.

Hey, what are you doing?

Nothing. Nothing to see here.

Just burning some of
my ex-boyfriend's stuff.

Oh, relationships are tough.

When you open your heart
to joy, you risk pain.

But you've got to keep loving,
you've got to keep hurting.

That's really wise.

Who are you?

You don't recognize me?

I'm Lester from upstairs. See you, guys.

Patrick, go ahead and light it.

And sure, there'll be a big blaze
and you'll get a ton of attention

and everybody will know
how bad you're hurting.

- Yay!
- But...

when the smoke clears, all you'll have
is a pile of ashes and a lawsuit.

And you'll still be stuck with you.

Same problem, same pain.

And the only way that'll change is if
you keep working to make it better.

And I'm here to help you through that.

What do you think I should do, Jen?

I think you should listen to Charlie.

- He knows what he's doing.
- Say it louder.

- No, I heard her.
- Not for you, for me.

I get it.

You know, Charlie, there is one
little thing you could do for me.

That's why I'm here.

Could you grab one end of this piano?

I've got to get it back upstairs.
Yeah, you, too, coach.

( Claps )

Hey, Dad, did you know
Grandpa's on Facebook?

Yeah, I heard.

Did you know he's dating Lacey?

Well, you can't believe everything
you see on the Internet.

Should I accept Nolan's friend request?

God, no.

( Knocking )

Hey, Charlie.

I'll go get my stuff, Mom.

How you doing?

I'm good.

Still a little embarrassed
about the Patrick thing.

I'm really sorry, Charlie.

I just thought I'd found my calling.

Don't beat yourself up.
You'll find it one day.

It's so funny. Right from the beginning

I just knew it wasn't going to work out.

Yeah, the same feeling.

Yeah, because you have a
master's degree in psychology.

I just had a gut feeling. And
it's not the first time.

You know what that means.

No, but it makes me uncomfortable.

I'm a psychic. That's what I'm good at.

Jennifer...

People make good money being psychics.

I could work for the police,
and if I hone my gift,

and talk to the dead,
I could be on talk shows...

So, this is going to be your career?

It's going to be difficult
at first, but... yes.

Jen, you really think you
have psychic abilities?

Yes, I do, 'cause...

I knew you'd fall for this.

Oh, come on, you're just pretending?
You're making all this stuff up?

- Yeah. ( Laughs )
- Uh.

You had me. If you ever thought about
acting, I bet you could do commercials.

- Really?
- Oh yeah. Yeah.

If... if... if you wanted
to go acting school,

that's something I'm definitely paying for.

Ah, you're just screwing
with me, aren't you?

Wow. You are psychic.