Anger Management (2012–2014): Season 2, Episode 19 - Charlie, Kate and Jen Get Romantic - full transcript

Charlie's dad interferes with Charlie's relationship with Kate to get him back together with Jennifer, and Nolan helps Ed as his "anger buddy."

Okay, lacey,
you're up next.

Describe the image
you've chosen

To be your happy place
when you get upset.

Well, I've been
thinking about it

And I saw this deserted
white-sand beach

In a magazine,
and there I am

Sitting in front
of a thatched hut bungalow
sipping a mojito.

That's very good.
Patrick?

I was gonna say the penthouse
at the four seasons

Off of central park,
but mojitos there are,
like, 30 bucks.

I'm going to lacey's beach.



Here, I made you
a mojito.

Gracias.

We're in greece.
That's why my top's off.

Okay, I know I said
disneyland earlier,

But I'm changing it.

How do I get
to this beach?

I'm sorry, it's private.

Yeah, we don't want
the wrong element.

I have to say, guys,
I sit here and I am
kind of amazed.

You found a way
to make a happy place

Something petty
and divisive,

Just like the happy song,
the happy memory,

And our field trip
to the senior center.

Ed, what about you?



My happy place is my own house
for the next six days.

The wife's gone to texas
to bury her aunt.

Oh, I'm sorry.
What happened?

Who cares?

She's a mean old troll
and I'm glad she's gone...

To bury her aunt.

Okay, everybody,
we're out of time.

I will see you all
next week.

Oh, and, ed,
remember, if you
have any issues,

Nolan's your anger buddy.

Oh, do I really
have to have nolan?

Yes.
We picked names
out of a hat.

We drew straws.
I even played eenie
meenie miney mo.

Bottom line--
nobody ever likes
their anger buddy,

So we're done.

Oh, and, ed,
we were all offended

By your version of
eenie meenie miney mo.

From now on, let's just
stick with tiger.

- Hey, dad.
- Group's over?

Yeah, we can watch
the game now.

( sniffing )

God, you smell
like an ashtray.

There was a fire
at the dry cleaners.

You're smoking again,
aren't you?

Leave me alone.
I'm going through a lot
of stress with this divorce.

I need something
to help me relax.

Yeah, but those things
will slowly kill you.

The key word
being slowly.

Look, it's my life
and I can do with it
what I want.

Besides, you know
I've been trying

To quit for years
and I just can't.

You're a huge influence
on your granddaughter.

Just yesterday she told me
it was about to rain 'cause
she could feel it in her hip.

Oh.

Hello, guys.

Kate, perfect timing.

Are you still doing
cognitive behavior work
with smokers?

Yeah, I've tried to stop,

But I just can't
seem to quit.

( laughs )
that really kills
at addiction seminars.

Forget it, charlie.
And no offense, kate,

But I can't see how
any shrink could ever
get me to quit smoking.

Really?

Well, I'm not
just any shrink.

Be at my office tomorrow
at 9:00 sharp.

You will sit there,
you will shut up.

It will take five sessions.
You will be cured.

Charlie, kitchen, now.

Whoa.

That is one very bossy,
frightening woman.

Hands off, she's mine.

What's up?

You left this
in my cupboard.

Travel-sized deodorant

Which you left there
because you think

You'll eventually sleep over
and use it in the morning.

Fine, you got me.

I guess I owe you
a travel-sized apology.

This is couples
stuff, charlie,

And we're not a couple.

We don't leave personal things
at each other's houses,

We don't do bed
and breakfast,

And I don't send you
out to the store to buy
me tampons.

I have no problem
buying you tampons.

That way we could go
horseback riding, swimming,

Play beach volleyball
any day of the month.

It's not just a deodorant,
charlie, it's a symbol.

It is a perfumed cover-up
that can't mask the stink

Of a sweaty armpit
that is a relationship.

Fine, I'll take it back.

But just keep in mind
one day you're gonna be
on your deathbed

And you're gonna regret never
being in a big sweaty armpit.

( theme music playing )

Hey, sam.

Come on, sam.

You know you're gonna have to
talk to me sooner or later.

Charlie:
What's going on?

Sam's decided
not to talk to martin

Hey, I got a better idea.
How about sam starts smoking
and martin quits talking?

- Charlie.
- Oh, come on.

He'll be quiet
and she'll look cool.

Listen, princess,
I know you're just doing this

To pressure me
into quitting sooner,

But I just want you to know
that if I died tomorrow

And you're still
not talking to me,
you shouldn't feel guilty.

- Don't say that, grandpa.
- Aha! I got you.

You amateur.
( laughs )

Hey, martin,
we picked up a few
things to help you quit.

- All right,
got nicotine gum.
- Oh.

Sunflower seeds.

And from the hospital
just to scare you,

A cancerous lung.

- What?
- I'm just kidding.
It's fudge.

Wow, you can't light
the pilot on a water heater,

But you can make
a lung out of fudge?

Don't pay any attention
to him, jen.

This is very thoughtful
of you.

My son was a damn fool
to let you go.

Thank you, martin,
but he was a fool
long before that.

Pilot light.
What?

Hey, thanks for
the goodies, jen.

So how did your first
session with kate go?

I think her plan is to kill me
before the cigarettes do.

Just don't give up.
You're my dad

And I don't know
what I'd do if anything
ever happened to you.

Uh-huh.

What do you want, charlie?

Yeah, that might have
been pushing it.

I need a little help
with kate.

I want to take her away
on a romantic weekend,

But she'll never go for that.
She'll say it's too coupley.

I'm not surprised.

She's a cold, cold woman.

You're only saying that
'cause she's forcing you
to quit smoking.

Well, and her personality.

To monterey bay with me
for the weekend to race cars.

But here's the deal.
I need you to drop out
at the last second.

I don't know why you keep
pushing this rock uphill

When you've got jen
in your life.

Dad, it is over
between me and jen.

She's the past,
kate's the future.

Sure, she's a dystopian
future where machines take
the place of people,

But I find that exciting.

Are you gonna
help me or not?

All right.
But you're gonna
owe me big-time.

I already pay your rent,
your cable, and make
your car payment.

Yeah, it's gonna
be a challenge,

But I'll come up
with something.

Hey.
How'd it go today?

She had me write a good-bye
letter to cigarettes.

"we have a toxic
relationship.

You're a waste of time
and money and will drive me
to an early grave."

Wow, that's just like
the letter I wrote to you
last father's day.

You're part of
a support group.

You should be a little
more encouraging.

Oh, I am.
In fact, this weekend
we're going to

The monterey
racing school

To celebrate
his not smoking.
Right, dad?

Wait a minute.
Did you say we're
going this weekend?

Yeah, everything's set.

Oh, charlie,
I am so sorry.

I forgot
I've got a funeral.

Oh, I'm so sorry.
Who died?

( stammering )
steve.

Steve died,
of course.

- Oh, no, steve died?
- Yes.

Oh, I am so sorry
to hear that.

You guys worked together
at that company for years
and years.

At that company.
That was a great company.

All the years at--
at that company.

- With steve.
- With steve.

Well, if you're not
going, I'll just have
to eat the deposit

On the race
time and the hotel.

I'd invite
this one to race,

But when I kick her ass,
she'd go crazy.

Like you'd kick my ass.

Oh, please, kate.
You've read the studies.

Men have far superior
hand-eye coordination.

You, however, have terrific
shoes and purse coordination.

I could beat you with
one hand tied behind my back.

In fact, I have.

Maybe I'll get
michael to go.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
I'm going.

- No, kate, please.
- I'm going.

All right, fine.
I'll pick you up
tomorrow night.

Great, or you can
follow me up there.

That way you can get used
to eating my dust.

You couldn't come up
with a name of a company?

Hey, I came up with steve.

- ( knocking )
- who is it?

It's your anger buddy,
nolan.

You called me.
I said I was coming over.
I'm here.

Just come on in.

I never lock the door.
I've got a gun.

I got here as quick
as I could.

What are you
so upset about?

I finally get the house
to myself

And my damn neighbor decides
to fix his damn motorcycle.

He revs it up
in his driveway.

Never stops.

He's not doing it now.

What are you, an anger buddy
or motorcycle detective?

Grab a beer and sit down.
The game's about to start.

Park it in that dent
where the missus always sits.

Springs are no match
for that woman.

Okay, but I'm not really
into sports.

Nobody's asking you
to do color commentary.

All I want you to do
is sit here with me

Until I'm not angry
anymore.

( cheering on tv )

I'm still angry.

- Hey, charlie.
- Hey, dad.

How'd the weekend
go with kate?

We had fun.
The instructor said

She could have been
a professional race car driver

If she cared a little more
about not dying.

So are we watching
the game tonight?

No, actually,
I'm calling in my favor.

You, me, jen, and sam

Are all going
bowling tonight.

That's your favor?
A bowling night?

Hey, we haven't gone out
as a family in forever.

I know you don't like
hanging out with me,

But you're just gonna have
to put up with it tonight.

That's what I want.

Wow, I didn't realize you felt
so cut off from the family.

I thought I was doing
a better job of hiding that.

Just do this
for your old man
tonight and we're even.

- You got it.
- Thank you.

- Hey, guys.
- Wow.

Jen, look at you.

You look fantastic.

So, dad, I'm guessing
it's the grand opening

At the bowling alley?

- Bowling alley?
- He's mispronouncing it.

It's bocelli.

Andrea bocelli.

The italian tenor.

You guys are going
to his concert tonight.

But what about you?
I thought you were going.

I pulled my back out.
I can't go.

Carrying the casket
at steve's funeral.

I wish I could join you,
but I'm afraid you two

Are gonna have to see
bocelli alone.

He's that blind
opera singer.

I saw him on
"sesame street" once.
He crushed it.

- ( phone chimes )
- now go on.

Get dressed, charlie.
The limousine just arrived.

No way!
You got a limo?

You're trying to
put us back together,
you son of a bitch.

Hey, I can understand
why you're upset.

But don't worry.
We can go bowling
tomorrow night.

Yes.

Well, how'd it go
with jen?

You're still here?
You've got to leave.

She's on her way in
and she's planning on
spending the night.

Oh, my god, charlie!
That's wonderful news.

Yeah, well,
what can I say?

There we were
sitting under the stars

And I saw that
twinkle in her eyes
that I used to love.

And long story short,
I think we're getting
back together.

Yes!
I can't believe it.

( laughs )
and you shouldn't.

She got drunk
on limo booze

And spent half the night
talking way too loud

And yelling out for bocelli
to sing "bohemian rhapsody,"

Which is her, and I quote,
"favorite opera song ever."

Oh, come on, it couldn't
have been that bad.

No? Do you know how
embarrassing it is to have
a blind opera singer

Glaring in your
general direction?

I don't know why you
can't keep an open mind.

Dad, I love jen
and I always will,

But kate is the woman
I want to be with.

But she won't make
a real commitment to you.

And is that what you want?

I mean, would you call
kate a happy person?

No, that would
just piss her off.

- Good night, dad.
- Good night, son.

Kate, it's martin.

Listen, I know my next session
isn't until Thursday,

But I really need
to talk to you.

Please call me back.

- Charlie: Dad?
- Yeah?

- You still here?
- Yeah.

- Go home.
- Yeah.

Hand me another beer,
will you?

But first, turn down
that thermostat.

It's like a boiler
in here.

That's six beers, ed.
Don't you think
that's enough?

I'm asking you to fetch,
not count.

You keep talking to me
like that, I'm gonna walk
right out that door.

Oh, please.
Where you gonna go?

I'm gonna go
to my sister's.

Wait, I don't
have a sister.

What is happening here?

Look, I'm sorry.

I just don't want
to be left alone

Because I'm thinking
of doing some things
that I shouldn't.

There's this widow
who lives across the street.

And she waters her lawn
every morning

Wearing a bathrobe.

This morning,
she smiled at me

And that bathrobe
was open a little bit.

She sounds like
a real nice lady.

I'm saying

That I haven't had
another woman in 40 years.

If that woman waters
her lawn tomorrow

Wearing that bathrobe

And it pops
all the way open...

I don't know
what's gonna happen.

Don't worry.
I'm there for you.

What time does she water?

8:00 a.M.

My god.

You old people
are like farmers.

Here you go.

It's perfectly normal
to relapse.

I used to be a smoker
myself, so I get it.

We use these to cope
with our anxieties.

So before
you were a smoker,

What did you do to make
yourself feel better?

I would make love
with my wife.

And after the divorce?

She wasn't that receptive.

Well, there's usually
not a lot of romance

- After the divorce.
- Well, not always.

I mean, look what's
going on between charlie
and jennifer now.

- What's going on?
- They're rekindling
the old spark.

Jennifer and charlie
are seeing each other again?

Yeah, but you knew
about that, didn't you?

Yes.
Of course I did.

Old news,
charlie and jennifer.

Jennifer and charlie.
Chennifer.

Jarlie.

It was bound to happen.

I mean, charlie's grown up.

He's done with all the empty,
meaningless affairs.

He wants to
settle down now.

Well, yes.
That's-- that's obvious.

Yep.

You know, sometimes people
just come to a place

Where they have to make
a change in their lives.

And I couldn't be
happy for him.

Er.

Happier.

Oh, god, that's good.

Kate, what's going on?
Are we supposed to do
something today?

No.

I just wanted to stop by

To give you these.

Travel-size deodorant.

Travel-size mouthwash.

And travel-size
toothbrush.

I don't know how many
guys are trying to spend
the night at your house,

But those are not mine.

Yes, they are.
I bought them for you.

So you can use them.

When you sleep over.

- Sleep over?
- Yes.

Isn't that what people do
when they're a couple?

Wait a minute.
You want to be a couple?

All right, let's get this
out of the way.

- Not pregnant?
- Check.

- Not dying?
- Check.

Oh, my god.
Am I dying?

No, just say you're happy
and act stupid

So we can get on with
the rest of our lives.

So you're serious
about this?

Yes, now shut up
and kiss me.

Wait a minute.

You want to kiss me
and we're not having sex?

My god, you are serious.

But why now?

You've always been
so against being exclusive.

People can change, right?

Why am I looking
a gift horse in the mouth?
This is great.

Now we can do something crazy
I've always wanted to do.

Something crazier
than we usually do?

Much crazier.

- You and me...
- Uh-huh.

- ...In public...
- Okay.

- ...At the mall...
- Mm-hmm.

...Holding hands.

Yay.

Ed?

It's me.

I overslept.

She's not out there.

There was just
a hose line on the lawn.

I'm worried.

( bed squeaking )

Oh, no.
Ed, don't do it!

Or at least
stop doing it!

Think of your wife!

What the hell
are you doing here?

I told you I'd come over
to check on you.

It's not worth it.
40 years, ed.
40 years.

Is what I'll get
for killing you.

That's my wife in there.
She got home early.

I don't believe you.
I'm going to look.

I still don't know.
I've never seen your wife.

Hey, charlie.
Glad I caught you.

You want to have
some lunch?

The woman that I'm in
an exclusive relationship
with is in the next room.

Perhaps you've heard of her.
Her name is kate.

The woman whose heart
you said you could
pack lobsters in

Wants to be my boo.

That's crazy.

Why is that crazy?
She had a fear of intimacy,

But because she cares so much
about me, she got over it.

Overnight?
Come on, you don't really
believe that, do you?

Why not?
I had a fear of you
and I got over it.

Now get out of my house!
See?

Wait, charlie, the only
reason she's doing this

Is because I told her
about you and jen.

What did you do,
old man?

I told her that you guys
were getting back together.

- But we're not.
- Listen to me.

I was just trying to move
kate out of the way

So that you'd have
a real chance with jen.

God knows I would kill
for a chance to be back
with my ex-wife.

The second one, of course.
Not your mother,
god rest her soul.

Stop saying that.
She's not dead.

All I'm saying, son,
is talk to her.

Make sure that this woman
is with you for all
the right reasons.

Who's with whom
for what reasons?

I'm sorry, kate.
I just found out that
my dad lied to you.

That whole thing about me
and jen, he made that up.

Why would you do that?

Maybe I'm
old-fashioned, kate,

But I believe my son
should be with the mother
of his child.

And he thinks the only
reason you're with me

Is because you didn't want
jen to have me.

But we both know
that's not true.

Tell him, kate.

That's right.

Think carefully.
Really lay him out.

Anytime, sweetie.
Ahem.

You're really leaving
me hanging here.

I think
I should go home.

Oh, come on, don't go.
Come back in the kitchen.

We'll kick my father out
and we'll talk this thing
through.

I wasn't ready
to be a couple, charlie,

And the jen thing
pushed me over the edge.

I know it's not
your fault,

But I need some time
to reevaluate why I did this.

Okay, okay,
so you may have gotten
here for the wrong reason,

But you're in
the right place.

I tricked you into
a couple's weekend in monterey
and that turned out great.

- You what?
- What?

You just said you tricked me
into going to monterey.

And you believed me?

- That makes no sense.
- I know.

The important thing
is we have each other

To get through these
confusing moments.

That is the problem
with relationships.

The lies,
the manipulations.

There's no good reason
for people to be couples

Except for game nights
and murder-suicides.

Okay, okay, so we don't
have to do the couple thing.

We'll just put that on hold.

It's more than that.
I need some space.

I'm your friend.
I can be your therapist.

But that's all
I can do right now.

I'm sorry.

( door opens )

( door closes )

Oh, charlie, it's been
a rough day all around.

You know, my dad and me
didn't get along well either.

You are the root of all evil
and you've ruined any chance
I had at happiness.

Yep, and then we'd go to bed
and wait for santa to come.