Anger Management (2012–2014): Season 2, Episode 10 - Charlie & Catholicism - full transcript
Charlie's dad puts pressure on him to have Sam baptized in the Catholic Church.
So, Sateen. You've now heard
your sister and the rest of the group
talk about how inappropriate anger
can damage your life.
I'd love to hear
what you're thinking right now.
I was thinking if all you're serving
is supermarket muffins,
you might want to check
if your guest is gluten-free
because I am and they're not.
Frankly, I'm bloated and insulted.
This isn't about the muffins, you little bitch.
It's about how angry you are
and how I don't want you to end up like me.
Telling your problems to a bunch of losers
in some horrible living room in the Valley.
Excuse me.
I take offense to the term "loser,"
but I do agree with
"horrible living room in Valley."
Where do all you people live,
like, Versailles?
I've got a question.
Lacey, Sateen.
Did your parents pick your names
out of an underwear drawer?
They're family names from India, old man.
I'm sorry they don't have
the beauty and dignity of Ed.
Wait, go back.
Did you call me a bitch, bitch?
Yeah, like five minutes ago.
- You actually suck.
- No, you suck and you were an accident.
- At least I wasn't a fat baby.
- I wasn't a fat baby.
They overfed me.
All this yelling. It's really hard on me.
Can't you two just, like, wrestle it out?
Nolan, do you realize
that everything you've said today
about Lacey and her sister
has been a veiled sexual reference?
And by veiled,
I don't mean anything culturally insensitive.
Sorry.
And by sorry, I mean the apology.
Not the giant scarf you wear like a dress.
Not everything I said was sexual.
That tandoori taco twofer
at the street fair is a real thing.
No, it's not.
Okay. Sateen, after observing
you a little bit today,
I really think you could use
some anger management therapy.
Let me be careful.
I wanna say this in the rudest possible way.
You just did.
Godspeed. See you in prison.
The rest of you, I'll see you next week.
Hey, I don't know
what's going on with me today.
I think I'm gonna walk it off.
I said walk, not whack, right?
- Yes, you did.
- Spank God.
I need to talk to you about your dad.
Did you need to talk to me
or did Dad conveniently bump into you
and con you into doing his dirty work?
No, I ran into him
at the Lady Footlocker and he told me...
Damn, he's good.
Let me guess. He doesn't understand
why I won't spend more time with him?
No, he doesn't, Charlie.
It's really bothering him.
Maybe he should have thought
about that when he was being
a manipulative, lying bully my entire life.
People forgive, Charlie.
I've had manipulative, lying people in my life
and I've forgiven...
Mostly... Charlie... You.
Charlie. Dork.
Yeah. Got it. You, not letting go. Ever.
Take foot off neck. Love you.
Come on. He just wants to come over
Sunday and watch a game with you.
- Who wants to come over?
- Your grandfather.
Great.
Why doesn't he come over more often?
Doesn't he like us?
Yeah, Charlie.
Why doesn't he come over more often?
I think Sam just hit it on the head.
He doesn't like us.
Let's not force a frightened old man
into doing something he doesn't wanna do.
- Charlie.
- All right, fine.
He can come over on Sunday,
but you gotta be there, too.
And, you, little miss
"Why won't Grandpa come over,"
you want a grandpa so bad?
You have to feed and take care of him.
And the first time you don't,
it's right back to the pound.
Oh, Charlie. Look at you.
Putting out food for your dad.
That's so sweet.
No, this isn't sweet.
This is turkey and Swiss on sourdough.
No mayo, no oil.
This is the driest, chewiest
sandwich you can get.
He can't chew and talk.
That is three feet of golden silence.
- Hey.
- Hi. Nice suit.
I thought you were coming to watch
the game, but if you're here to be buried,
-that's okay, too.
- We can watch the game after Mass.
Why aren't you dressed?
You know, Mass starts in half an hour.
Well, you told me you
go to Mass every week.
- You weren't lying about that, were you?
- No, of course not.
I go every Sunday.
Thank God, because if you didn't,
it would kill your grandmother.
- Grandma's dead.
- Yeah, I know,
but I still like to remember
the things that would kill her.
Hey, girls. Let's get started.
I don't wanna walk in late,
like I own the joint.
Okay, Sam. Go put on your fancy
going-to-church outfit
like we do every Sunday.
- But, Dad, we don't...
- Hey, blessed be the shut up. Get dressed.
It's a beautiful church, Charlie.
Yeah, it is.
I just hope the priest isn't too long-winded.
No, no, no. He's great.
His sermons are very insightful.
I find myself hanging on his every word.
So, Charlie.
You say you come here every week?
Si.
I'm a grown man.
I don't need to explain myself to you.
It's not about me.
Your daughter needs
a religious upbringing, Charlie.
She needs a moral compass.
I'm sorry.
I'm still reeling from "it's not about me."
Look, I know what you want, but I'm
not gonna force Catholicism on Sam
-like you forced it on me.
- Oh, please.
Then why did you even bother
having her baptized in the first place?
I have a good answer for that.
Sam was never baptized.
I thought it was good.
She was never baptized?
- So you lied about that, too.
- I tell you lots of lies, Dad...
"Good to see you,"
"Happy birthday," "Drive safe."
Okay, enough.
Look, we're gonna deal with this right now.
You're having Sam baptized, period.
- That's it.
- No, I'm not.
Sam is gonna choose her own religion
when she's old enough
to make a mature decision.
I'm only gonna say this once... Stay out of it.
Don't you understand? If you don't have
that girl baptized... God forbid,
but she could end up in hell
and it'd be all your fault.
Charlie, I told you,
the women you're dating are way too young.
Michael, are you Catholic by any chance?
I'm a pretty good Catholic.
For a Baptist.
I'm a better Catholic than Charlie.
I think it's damn selfish of you, son.
After all, you were baptized
and received first communion.
Now you're leaving your own
daughter high and dry like this.
I think it's just plain disgraceful.
Would you give me an amen
on that, Michael?
Don't give him an amen on that.
Your kid's not baptized?
What, are you nuts?
- Thanks, Mike.
- Seriously, it takes, like, five minutes
and it protects her soul for eternity.
Look, I appreciate your spiritual concern.
Especially coming from a guy
with a lifetime membership
to Adult Friend Finder.
But my daughter is not gonna
get kicked out of heaven,
if there is one, on a technicality.
- If there is one?
- I know we raised him better than that.
Look, it's my kid. Everyone just back off.
All right, fine. I won't interfere in trying
to help save my granddaughter's soul.
God forbid. Sorry.
God, if there is one, forbid.
Nice one, sir.
I mean it.
This is my house, these are my rules.
Michael, I don't like this new
kid you're hanging out with.
Doesn't he have any friends his own age?
So I dropped Sateen off
and my mom starts in on me.
When are you gonna marry
a nice Hindu boy?
And I said,
"When a Hindu boy starts for the Lakers."
Right now I'm all about
giant black millionaires.
Let me ask you this, Lacey.
Is this anger about rejecting
your parents' religious values
or is it just another manifestation
of your Kardashian envy?
Oh, it's not envy
when you're better than somebody.
Hey, you're a Hindu.
Tell your mom you'll do
what she wants in your next life.
You'll be a raccoon,
she'll be a bird or something.
She can't hold you to it.
Congratulations, Ed.
You just created a new category.
Metaphysical racism.
Sorry to interrupt this battle of wits
between Aristotle and Yosemite Sam,
but your daughter's here
and I'm pretty sure she's bleeding.
Oh, my God.
Sam, what happened? You okay?
- I'm fine.
- Just barely.
Some lunatic ran a stop sign
and forced her bicycle into a mailbox.
I was just walking up
when the guy pulled away.
She could've been killed, Charlie.
Come on, sweetie.
Let's get you cleaned up in the kitchen.
Sorry, guys. I'll see you next Tuesday.
Damn fool was probably texting.
If anything happened to that girl,
I'd never forgive myself.
Forgive yourself for what?
You weren't involved.
Yeah, well, there's a big
problem between Charlie and me.
My granddaughter's never been baptized.
Christ on a pony, why the hell not?
- What the hell's the matter with your boy?
- There's a long list.
He's selfish, he thinks he knows everything,
he's got his mother's hips,
and he's agnostic.
Agnostic?
How can anybody doubt God
when they've seen a picture
of Angie Dickinson?
Amen.
I know I said I wouldn't interfere,
but God just fired a warning shot
and I gotta figure out
a way to have her baptized.
I'll tell you what we'd do
in my church back in Texas.
We'd wait till they went to sleep,
put a bag over their head,
throw them in the back of the truck,
drive them to the river,
and let the preacher
hold them under for a minute.
That sounds a little radical, Ed.
Radical, hell, it's terrifying,
but they'll thank you in paradise.
Well, I guess I could sneak around.
Thanks for the advice, Ed.
I used to get $10 a head
doing that back home.
I'd go down to the bus
station, scoop them up...
You sure that was for baptisms?
'Cause it sounds like you were
trying to drown illegals.
No, no. It was baptism...
Wait a minute.
No, no. It was baptism.
Okay. Well, we'll see you next week, buddy.
All the best.
- Kate?
- Yeah?
- You didn't answer me.
- About what?
I'm busy getting your surprise ready.
Do you think my dad has a point?
Was I selfish to not give Sam
a religious upbringing?
Was I rebelling because my dad
shoved the Church down my throat
and that's why Catholicism
is such a turnoff to me?
- You almost done?
- Almost.
- Must be a hell of a surprise.
- Oh, it will be.
That's my surprise?
You're wearing my T-shirt?
What's wrong with the T-shirt?
Nothing, nothing. It's super sexy.
I like the way it makes your
whole upper body look like a...
Hot rectangle.
A crew neck.
I know. I feel so dirty.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, Kate.
I don't wanna turn this
into a whole session here,
but I need a little advice.
I get all dressed up like this
and you just wanna talk?
Just for a minute.
Do you think my anger
towards my dad's behavior
is affecting the way I raise my kid?
Of course it is.
I mean, your choice
is to either repeat or correct.
The same heat that melts
the butter hardens the egg.
I want you so bad right now.
You know, if you want your daughter
to make an informed choice,
don't wait until she's 18.
Show her all the options now.
Once upon a time,
I was a vampire Goth chick.
Those girls have a lot of fun.
You would've hated me back in high school.
- I was a jock.
- I would've slept with you anyhow.
- We slept with everybody.
- So did we.
Except for those losers in the Model U.N.
We slept with everybody.
Wow, look at this list.
We're gonna have to split this up
if we're gonna expose Sam
to all the different religions.
I'll take Christianity
and you take all the going-to-hell ones.
- We're not off to a good start here.
- I'm kidding.
I just don't know much
about religions outside of Christianity.
Me neither.
I know Catholicism and the
Native American one where you take peyote.
And all I know about that one
is that you take peyote.
You know, I always thought it would be
good for her to have some religion.
What if she picks one of ours?
I'm comfortable with her going Protestant.
Are you comfortable
if she decides to become Catholic?
I guess. I just blocked so much of it out.
I do remember Catholic
baseball camp, though.
Man, it was hard to run in those sandals.
- They made you wear sandals?
- That was just the beginning.
Every time I stole second,
I had to say an act of contrition.
- Is this thing working?
- Come on, Charlie. Get serious.
You're right, you're right.
Did you know our pitcher
had to give a sermon on the mound?
Hey, guys.
Sam has something she'd like to tell you.
- What's up, Sam?
-I...
Got baptized.
- You what?
- Hang on, son.
This was entirely her own choice.
We were talking about God and spirituality
and the importance of being a good person,
and I said the only way I know
how to do that is to become a Catholic.
Dad, what did we talk about?
My granddaughter came to me and said,
"I'd like to be baptized, Grandpa."
What was I supposed to say, "No?"
Yes.
You wouldn't say
that if you'd been there.
Look, I got some pictures
on the cell phone here.
Look, Martin. We're Sam's parents, okay?
It's not your right to... Oh, she's an angel.
- Who the hell are those people?
- Oh, those are the godparents.
Carmen and Angel.
When you meet 'em, you'll love 'em.
Look, Sam. Your mom and I don't want you
to be rushed into anything
or talked into anything.
So let's start by going down to that
church and returning your baptism.
You can do that, right?
I think it's too late. She's dry.
Don't be mad at Grandpa.
I'm really happy I did this.
But you didn't look at any other options.
Yeah, and I just found
this cool dumpling place
next to the Buddhist temple downtown.
What's wrong with being Catholic?
Her family's Catholic.
I don't like her family.
They got pork, they got shrimp, everything.
It has a C on the window,
but it looks clean inside.
You know, Dad,
you could come to church with us.
I don't want you to go to hell.
Are you happy?
My own daughter
doesn't want me to go to hell.
All right. You wanna go to church, fine.
Let's do this the right way.
I want you to know what you're getting into.
So, I'm gonna go with you.
Lord, talk about mysterious ways.
My son and my granddaughter
wanna go to Mass with me.
Hallelujah, I am truly blessed.
Hey, Pope Piehole Ill.
Why don't you give
the Children's Crusade a rest?
I'm taking my daughter to church
without you.
Then I'm taking her to a synagogue,
a mosque, and a Buddhist temple.
And then that dumpling
place right next door.
Be crazy not to go.
See these plaques?
Those are called the Stations of the Cross.
If you follow the story
all the way around the church,
you'll find out what happened to him.
Oh, this one right here.
That's where the Romans
nailed Jesus to the cross.
Oh, my God.
Where were the Catholics during all this?
Interesting question.
There were no Catholics.
- What?
- Sam, did you know that Jesus was Jewish?
He converted to Christianity?
Why don't we just watch for a while?
Oh, look at the pretty glass
up in that window.
Hey, Charlie.
What the hell are you doing here?
I told you to back off.
I didn't know you were
going to the 9:00 a.m. Mass,
but, hey, I can leave if my son
doesn't want me to practice my faith.
No, no, no. Just sit down and shut up.
- Dad.
- I'm sorry. We're in church.
Please, sit down and please shut up.
- If you have any questions, just ask me.
- I have a question.
How many angels can dance
on the head of an unconscious old man?
Speaking of angels.
As promised, there you are, young lady.
- What is that?
- St. Christopher medal.
It's to keep me safe while I ride my bike.
Oh, cool.
Does it come with a reflector Jesus?
Dad, you know Sam has OCD,
so loading her up with
a bunch of good luck charms...
Probably not the best idea in the world.
But that's why I wanted to be Catholic.
- What?
- Catholicism is perfect for a kid with OCD.
She can light candles for her problems,
she can go to confession
when she gets worried,
and when she feels compelled to count,
she can do it on her rosary.
- She doesn't have a rosary.
- She does now.
Sam.
You used her OCD so you could
get her to become a Catholic?
- You selfish bastard.
- I saved her soul and honor thy Father,
you arrogant son of a...
Me.
Don't you get it?
You sent a diabetic to the candy store.
You know what?
You are out of my life again.
You can keep me out of your life,
but you can't keep me out of hers.
And keep your voice down,
you're setting a bad example.
Oh, I'm setting a bad example?
You used a necklace to bribe
a 15-year-old girl
to get her to do what you want
and I'm the bad guy?
Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.
It's been almost...
30 years since my last confession.
You've been leading
a very righteous life, my son.
No.
But I need your help, Father.
I want you to tell my daughter that she's
come to the church for the wrong reasons.
There's no such thing as the wrong reason.
Yeah, forgive me, Father, but as a kid,
I used to come here to see girls
on their knees with their tongues out.
Okay.
That may be a new "Hail Mary" record
you've got there.
Look, my daughter was tricked.
She's got OCD and she's only here because
she's attracted to all the trinkets
and the rituals and the saints.
So, she's attracted to the Catholicism.
Okay, you're not hearing me here.
My son, God brings people to the church
in many different ways.
Yeah, so did my dad.
By the ear, by the arm, by the neck.
Thank God I found the girls.
He was running out of things to grab.
Father, can you at least smite my dad?
I'm sorry,
but the church is here for everyone.
Now, is there anything
you'd like to confess?
No, I think I'm good.
This morning in church,
I might have called my dad a child molester.
Yes, we heard you.
- So Sam is staying Catholic?
- Oh, yeah, she loves it.
Now I can't kill my dad
because that would make him a martyr
and she'd walk around for the rest of her life
wearing a necklace with his face on it.
Since that's the fourth time
you've mentioned killing your father,
I'm guessing you two still have
some unresolved issues to work out?
Oh, no. They're resolved.
I told him he's not allowed
at my house anymore.
Where is he now?
He's at my house.
Let me guess, Catholic guilt?
With all of the religious talk going on,
I thought it was important
for somebody to represent the other side.
Is this gonna cost me my soul?
No, you just have to be ready
to keep going for eternity.
I'm good for now, but seriously,
I have to get to work tomorrow.
your sister and the rest of the group
talk about how inappropriate anger
can damage your life.
I'd love to hear
what you're thinking right now.
I was thinking if all you're serving
is supermarket muffins,
you might want to check
if your guest is gluten-free
because I am and they're not.
Frankly, I'm bloated and insulted.
This isn't about the muffins, you little bitch.
It's about how angry you are
and how I don't want you to end up like me.
Telling your problems to a bunch of losers
in some horrible living room in the Valley.
Excuse me.
I take offense to the term "loser,"
but I do agree with
"horrible living room in Valley."
Where do all you people live,
like, Versailles?
I've got a question.
Lacey, Sateen.
Did your parents pick your names
out of an underwear drawer?
They're family names from India, old man.
I'm sorry they don't have
the beauty and dignity of Ed.
Wait, go back.
Did you call me a bitch, bitch?
Yeah, like five minutes ago.
- You actually suck.
- No, you suck and you were an accident.
- At least I wasn't a fat baby.
- I wasn't a fat baby.
They overfed me.
All this yelling. It's really hard on me.
Can't you two just, like, wrestle it out?
Nolan, do you realize
that everything you've said today
about Lacey and her sister
has been a veiled sexual reference?
And by veiled,
I don't mean anything culturally insensitive.
Sorry.
And by sorry, I mean the apology.
Not the giant scarf you wear like a dress.
Not everything I said was sexual.
That tandoori taco twofer
at the street fair is a real thing.
No, it's not.
Okay. Sateen, after observing
you a little bit today,
I really think you could use
some anger management therapy.
Let me be careful.
I wanna say this in the rudest possible way.
You just did.
Godspeed. See you in prison.
The rest of you, I'll see you next week.
Hey, I don't know
what's going on with me today.
I think I'm gonna walk it off.
I said walk, not whack, right?
- Yes, you did.
- Spank God.
I need to talk to you about your dad.
Did you need to talk to me
or did Dad conveniently bump into you
and con you into doing his dirty work?
No, I ran into him
at the Lady Footlocker and he told me...
Damn, he's good.
Let me guess. He doesn't understand
why I won't spend more time with him?
No, he doesn't, Charlie.
It's really bothering him.
Maybe he should have thought
about that when he was being
a manipulative, lying bully my entire life.
People forgive, Charlie.
I've had manipulative, lying people in my life
and I've forgiven...
Mostly... Charlie... You.
Charlie. Dork.
Yeah. Got it. You, not letting go. Ever.
Take foot off neck. Love you.
Come on. He just wants to come over
Sunday and watch a game with you.
- Who wants to come over?
- Your grandfather.
Great.
Why doesn't he come over more often?
Doesn't he like us?
Yeah, Charlie.
Why doesn't he come over more often?
I think Sam just hit it on the head.
He doesn't like us.
Let's not force a frightened old man
into doing something he doesn't wanna do.
- Charlie.
- All right, fine.
He can come over on Sunday,
but you gotta be there, too.
And, you, little miss
"Why won't Grandpa come over,"
you want a grandpa so bad?
You have to feed and take care of him.
And the first time you don't,
it's right back to the pound.
Oh, Charlie. Look at you.
Putting out food for your dad.
That's so sweet.
No, this isn't sweet.
This is turkey and Swiss on sourdough.
No mayo, no oil.
This is the driest, chewiest
sandwich you can get.
He can't chew and talk.
That is three feet of golden silence.
- Hey.
- Hi. Nice suit.
I thought you were coming to watch
the game, but if you're here to be buried,
-that's okay, too.
- We can watch the game after Mass.
Why aren't you dressed?
You know, Mass starts in half an hour.
Well, you told me you
go to Mass every week.
- You weren't lying about that, were you?
- No, of course not.
I go every Sunday.
Thank God, because if you didn't,
it would kill your grandmother.
- Grandma's dead.
- Yeah, I know,
but I still like to remember
the things that would kill her.
Hey, girls. Let's get started.
I don't wanna walk in late,
like I own the joint.
Okay, Sam. Go put on your fancy
going-to-church outfit
like we do every Sunday.
- But, Dad, we don't...
- Hey, blessed be the shut up. Get dressed.
It's a beautiful church, Charlie.
Yeah, it is.
I just hope the priest isn't too long-winded.
No, no, no. He's great.
His sermons are very insightful.
I find myself hanging on his every word.
So, Charlie.
You say you come here every week?
Si.
I'm a grown man.
I don't need to explain myself to you.
It's not about me.
Your daughter needs
a religious upbringing, Charlie.
She needs a moral compass.
I'm sorry.
I'm still reeling from "it's not about me."
Look, I know what you want, but I'm
not gonna force Catholicism on Sam
-like you forced it on me.
- Oh, please.
Then why did you even bother
having her baptized in the first place?
I have a good answer for that.
Sam was never baptized.
I thought it was good.
She was never baptized?
- So you lied about that, too.
- I tell you lots of lies, Dad...
"Good to see you,"
"Happy birthday," "Drive safe."
Okay, enough.
Look, we're gonna deal with this right now.
You're having Sam baptized, period.
- That's it.
- No, I'm not.
Sam is gonna choose her own religion
when she's old enough
to make a mature decision.
I'm only gonna say this once... Stay out of it.
Don't you understand? If you don't have
that girl baptized... God forbid,
but she could end up in hell
and it'd be all your fault.
Charlie, I told you,
the women you're dating are way too young.
Michael, are you Catholic by any chance?
I'm a pretty good Catholic.
For a Baptist.
I'm a better Catholic than Charlie.
I think it's damn selfish of you, son.
After all, you were baptized
and received first communion.
Now you're leaving your own
daughter high and dry like this.
I think it's just plain disgraceful.
Would you give me an amen
on that, Michael?
Don't give him an amen on that.
Your kid's not baptized?
What, are you nuts?
- Thanks, Mike.
- Seriously, it takes, like, five minutes
and it protects her soul for eternity.
Look, I appreciate your spiritual concern.
Especially coming from a guy
with a lifetime membership
to Adult Friend Finder.
But my daughter is not gonna
get kicked out of heaven,
if there is one, on a technicality.
- If there is one?
- I know we raised him better than that.
Look, it's my kid. Everyone just back off.
All right, fine. I won't interfere in trying
to help save my granddaughter's soul.
God forbid. Sorry.
God, if there is one, forbid.
Nice one, sir.
I mean it.
This is my house, these are my rules.
Michael, I don't like this new
kid you're hanging out with.
Doesn't he have any friends his own age?
So I dropped Sateen off
and my mom starts in on me.
When are you gonna marry
a nice Hindu boy?
And I said,
"When a Hindu boy starts for the Lakers."
Right now I'm all about
giant black millionaires.
Let me ask you this, Lacey.
Is this anger about rejecting
your parents' religious values
or is it just another manifestation
of your Kardashian envy?
Oh, it's not envy
when you're better than somebody.
Hey, you're a Hindu.
Tell your mom you'll do
what she wants in your next life.
You'll be a raccoon,
she'll be a bird or something.
She can't hold you to it.
Congratulations, Ed.
You just created a new category.
Metaphysical racism.
Sorry to interrupt this battle of wits
between Aristotle and Yosemite Sam,
but your daughter's here
and I'm pretty sure she's bleeding.
Oh, my God.
Sam, what happened? You okay?
- I'm fine.
- Just barely.
Some lunatic ran a stop sign
and forced her bicycle into a mailbox.
I was just walking up
when the guy pulled away.
She could've been killed, Charlie.
Come on, sweetie.
Let's get you cleaned up in the kitchen.
Sorry, guys. I'll see you next Tuesday.
Damn fool was probably texting.
If anything happened to that girl,
I'd never forgive myself.
Forgive yourself for what?
You weren't involved.
Yeah, well, there's a big
problem between Charlie and me.
My granddaughter's never been baptized.
Christ on a pony, why the hell not?
- What the hell's the matter with your boy?
- There's a long list.
He's selfish, he thinks he knows everything,
he's got his mother's hips,
and he's agnostic.
Agnostic?
How can anybody doubt God
when they've seen a picture
of Angie Dickinson?
Amen.
I know I said I wouldn't interfere,
but God just fired a warning shot
and I gotta figure out
a way to have her baptized.
I'll tell you what we'd do
in my church back in Texas.
We'd wait till they went to sleep,
put a bag over their head,
throw them in the back of the truck,
drive them to the river,
and let the preacher
hold them under for a minute.
That sounds a little radical, Ed.
Radical, hell, it's terrifying,
but they'll thank you in paradise.
Well, I guess I could sneak around.
Thanks for the advice, Ed.
I used to get $10 a head
doing that back home.
I'd go down to the bus
station, scoop them up...
You sure that was for baptisms?
'Cause it sounds like you were
trying to drown illegals.
No, no. It was baptism...
Wait a minute.
No, no. It was baptism.
Okay. Well, we'll see you next week, buddy.
All the best.
- Kate?
- Yeah?
- You didn't answer me.
- About what?
I'm busy getting your surprise ready.
Do you think my dad has a point?
Was I selfish to not give Sam
a religious upbringing?
Was I rebelling because my dad
shoved the Church down my throat
and that's why Catholicism
is such a turnoff to me?
- You almost done?
- Almost.
- Must be a hell of a surprise.
- Oh, it will be.
That's my surprise?
You're wearing my T-shirt?
What's wrong with the T-shirt?
Nothing, nothing. It's super sexy.
I like the way it makes your
whole upper body look like a...
Hot rectangle.
A crew neck.
I know. I feel so dirty.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, Kate.
I don't wanna turn this
into a whole session here,
but I need a little advice.
I get all dressed up like this
and you just wanna talk?
Just for a minute.
Do you think my anger
towards my dad's behavior
is affecting the way I raise my kid?
Of course it is.
I mean, your choice
is to either repeat or correct.
The same heat that melts
the butter hardens the egg.
I want you so bad right now.
You know, if you want your daughter
to make an informed choice,
don't wait until she's 18.
Show her all the options now.
Once upon a time,
I was a vampire Goth chick.
Those girls have a lot of fun.
You would've hated me back in high school.
- I was a jock.
- I would've slept with you anyhow.
- We slept with everybody.
- So did we.
Except for those losers in the Model U.N.
We slept with everybody.
Wow, look at this list.
We're gonna have to split this up
if we're gonna expose Sam
to all the different religions.
I'll take Christianity
and you take all the going-to-hell ones.
- We're not off to a good start here.
- I'm kidding.
I just don't know much
about religions outside of Christianity.
Me neither.
I know Catholicism and the
Native American one where you take peyote.
And all I know about that one
is that you take peyote.
You know, I always thought it would be
good for her to have some religion.
What if she picks one of ours?
I'm comfortable with her going Protestant.
Are you comfortable
if she decides to become Catholic?
I guess. I just blocked so much of it out.
I do remember Catholic
baseball camp, though.
Man, it was hard to run in those sandals.
- They made you wear sandals?
- That was just the beginning.
Every time I stole second,
I had to say an act of contrition.
- Is this thing working?
- Come on, Charlie. Get serious.
You're right, you're right.
Did you know our pitcher
had to give a sermon on the mound?
Hey, guys.
Sam has something she'd like to tell you.
- What's up, Sam?
-I...
Got baptized.
- You what?
- Hang on, son.
This was entirely her own choice.
We were talking about God and spirituality
and the importance of being a good person,
and I said the only way I know
how to do that is to become a Catholic.
Dad, what did we talk about?
My granddaughter came to me and said,
"I'd like to be baptized, Grandpa."
What was I supposed to say, "No?"
Yes.
You wouldn't say
that if you'd been there.
Look, I got some pictures
on the cell phone here.
Look, Martin. We're Sam's parents, okay?
It's not your right to... Oh, she's an angel.
- Who the hell are those people?
- Oh, those are the godparents.
Carmen and Angel.
When you meet 'em, you'll love 'em.
Look, Sam. Your mom and I don't want you
to be rushed into anything
or talked into anything.
So let's start by going down to that
church and returning your baptism.
You can do that, right?
I think it's too late. She's dry.
Don't be mad at Grandpa.
I'm really happy I did this.
But you didn't look at any other options.
Yeah, and I just found
this cool dumpling place
next to the Buddhist temple downtown.
What's wrong with being Catholic?
Her family's Catholic.
I don't like her family.
They got pork, they got shrimp, everything.
It has a C on the window,
but it looks clean inside.
You know, Dad,
you could come to church with us.
I don't want you to go to hell.
Are you happy?
My own daughter
doesn't want me to go to hell.
All right. You wanna go to church, fine.
Let's do this the right way.
I want you to know what you're getting into.
So, I'm gonna go with you.
Lord, talk about mysterious ways.
My son and my granddaughter
wanna go to Mass with me.
Hallelujah, I am truly blessed.
Hey, Pope Piehole Ill.
Why don't you give
the Children's Crusade a rest?
I'm taking my daughter to church
without you.
Then I'm taking her to a synagogue,
a mosque, and a Buddhist temple.
And then that dumpling
place right next door.
Be crazy not to go.
See these plaques?
Those are called the Stations of the Cross.
If you follow the story
all the way around the church,
you'll find out what happened to him.
Oh, this one right here.
That's where the Romans
nailed Jesus to the cross.
Oh, my God.
Where were the Catholics during all this?
Interesting question.
There were no Catholics.
- What?
- Sam, did you know that Jesus was Jewish?
He converted to Christianity?
Why don't we just watch for a while?
Oh, look at the pretty glass
up in that window.
Hey, Charlie.
What the hell are you doing here?
I told you to back off.
I didn't know you were
going to the 9:00 a.m. Mass,
but, hey, I can leave if my son
doesn't want me to practice my faith.
No, no, no. Just sit down and shut up.
- Dad.
- I'm sorry. We're in church.
Please, sit down and please shut up.
- If you have any questions, just ask me.
- I have a question.
How many angels can dance
on the head of an unconscious old man?
Speaking of angels.
As promised, there you are, young lady.
- What is that?
- St. Christopher medal.
It's to keep me safe while I ride my bike.
Oh, cool.
Does it come with a reflector Jesus?
Dad, you know Sam has OCD,
so loading her up with
a bunch of good luck charms...
Probably not the best idea in the world.
But that's why I wanted to be Catholic.
- What?
- Catholicism is perfect for a kid with OCD.
She can light candles for her problems,
she can go to confession
when she gets worried,
and when she feels compelled to count,
she can do it on her rosary.
- She doesn't have a rosary.
- She does now.
Sam.
You used her OCD so you could
get her to become a Catholic?
- You selfish bastard.
- I saved her soul and honor thy Father,
you arrogant son of a...
Me.
Don't you get it?
You sent a diabetic to the candy store.
You know what?
You are out of my life again.
You can keep me out of your life,
but you can't keep me out of hers.
And keep your voice down,
you're setting a bad example.
Oh, I'm setting a bad example?
You used a necklace to bribe
a 15-year-old girl
to get her to do what you want
and I'm the bad guy?
Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.
It's been almost...
30 years since my last confession.
You've been leading
a very righteous life, my son.
No.
But I need your help, Father.
I want you to tell my daughter that she's
come to the church for the wrong reasons.
There's no such thing as the wrong reason.
Yeah, forgive me, Father, but as a kid,
I used to come here to see girls
on their knees with their tongues out.
Okay.
That may be a new "Hail Mary" record
you've got there.
Look, my daughter was tricked.
She's got OCD and she's only here because
she's attracted to all the trinkets
and the rituals and the saints.
So, she's attracted to the Catholicism.
Okay, you're not hearing me here.
My son, God brings people to the church
in many different ways.
Yeah, so did my dad.
By the ear, by the arm, by the neck.
Thank God I found the girls.
He was running out of things to grab.
Father, can you at least smite my dad?
I'm sorry,
but the church is here for everyone.
Now, is there anything
you'd like to confess?
No, I think I'm good.
This morning in church,
I might have called my dad a child molester.
Yes, we heard you.
- So Sam is staying Catholic?
- Oh, yeah, she loves it.
Now I can't kill my dad
because that would make him a martyr
and she'd walk around for the rest of her life
wearing a necklace with his face on it.
Since that's the fourth time
you've mentioned killing your father,
I'm guessing you two still have
some unresolved issues to work out?
Oh, no. They're resolved.
I told him he's not allowed
at my house anymore.
Where is he now?
He's at my house.
Let me guess, Catholic guilt?
With all of the religious talk going on,
I thought it was important
for somebody to represent the other side.
Is this gonna cost me my soul?
No, you just have to be ready
to keep going for eternity.
I'm good for now, but seriously,
I have to get to work tomorrow.