Anger Management (2012–2014): Season 2, Episode 11 - Charlie Dates Crazy, Sexy, Angry - full transcript

- ( knocking )
- coming.

Here's your daughter.
I'm done with her.

Turns out I'm stupid,

I don't get it,
and I never will.

Wait a minute.
When I dropped her
off at your house,

I was stupid,
I don't get it,
and I never will.

Man, just when
you think you're special.

You're both horrible,
horrible people.

Is that an upgrade
from stupid?

You mind if I check
the score of the game?

I don't mind,
but you might want to bolt.



Your ex-girlfriend
lori is in the kitchen.

Wait a minute.
"no birth control" lori?

That didn't catch on,
so she just goes by lori now.

Don't worry about it.
We're fine.

Even though she thinks
psychotherapy is a scam,

But believes in ghosts,
astrology, and aliens,

I really liked her.

So what are you guys up to?

We're working on
a new business.

- Cofftea.
- Cofftea?

Are you tired
of having to decide

Between having a cup of coffee
or a cup of tea?

No.

I know, I can never
decide either.



So say good-bye to
painful indecisiveness
with cofftea.

Just brew-steep up
a fresh pot-kettle

Of coffee-flavored tea
and you can have both.

How's that sound?

Like I'd rather live with
painful indecisiveness.

Jen, there's a problem.

The pot-kettle's acting weird
and it isn't brew-steeping.

Then you better get
back in there before it
starts fire-smoking.

I knew I shouldn't have
listened to that stupid korean
woman at the nail shop.

If it's such a sure thing,
why is she still scrubbing feet?

Hey, charlie.

Nice to see you, lori.
You look great.

Thanks.

This is such
a weird coincidence.

I was just thinking about
calling you the other day.

But you can't
use the phone

When the moon
is in the second phase
of capricorn?

Oh, god, that is such
a pisces thing to say.

( laughs )
no, I just didn't like
how we left everything.

I shouldn't have
scared you off

Oh, don't beat yourself up.
There was a lot more
to it than that.

Uh, like what?

If you won't let me lie,
I can't make you feel better.

I think I just said that
as a defense mechanism

Because I have
a fear of intimacy.

Defense mechanism?
Fear of intimacy?

Sounds like someone is changing
their mind about therapy.

Well, I did read
a "psychology today"

While I was waiting to be
fitted for my new diaphragm.

Fitted? I thought
those things were just
kind of off the rack.

Aw, mr. Goodson,
you have so much to learn.

How about
I come over Wednesday

And give you
some private tutoring?

You mean sex, right?

'cause the last time a woman
offered me private tutoring,

There was a huge
misunderstanding.

I wound up learning calculus.

( theme music playing )

It's called cofftea.

Oh, my god.

How come jen never invents--

Oh, my god!
There's an aftertaste.

You think it's gone...
But it's not.

That's the tea.

I've got to get going.

Before you do,
there's something I want
to talk to you about.

Remember lori?

You mean "the romantic
girl of your dreams

Except she was
a lunatic" lori?

Yeah, that didn't catch on.
She's just going by lori now.

Her and I are gonna
give it another shot.

So it would probably
make sense for us to put
our thing on hold.

Look, I have no problem
honoring our agreement

As long as it's
a viable candidate,

But you've already tried
capturing this unicorn,

Which I'm sure she also
believes in,

And failed.

So why can't you just be happy
with our amazing arrangement?

I am, but you know
that I want more--

More cofftea.

Jen, you've got to make
a big cup for kate.

She's gonna love it.

I've got to start group.

- Hey, kate.
- Hey, jen.

No time for coffee.
I'm on my way out.

Okay.
Oh, hey, don't forget

We've still got to do
that girls' night out.

Just let me know
when you're ready.

Does this girls' night out
involve picking up guys?

If it doesn't,
I don't know why
we're going.

Great.

Then I'm ready.
How about tomorrow?

Awesome.
I always go to el tostada.

It's loaded with guys.
There's a guitar store
down the street

Good, because I am
not looking for anything
deep or meaningful.

No, if you want deep
and meaningful,

You have to go
to the el tostada
by the law school.

Everything's a negotiation,
but it's worth it.

Sorry I'm late.

I had to walk here.

Why?
I thought you were
driving everywhere

Because you sold
advertising space
on your car.

I was.
I just ran out of gas.

And now it's stuck in front
of a yoga studio.

Well, vagisil is really getting
their money's worth today.

Lacey, anything
you'd like to share?

Yeah, I'm sick of guys

Misrepresenting
themselves as rich.

It's so superficial.

But instead of getting
stuck in anger,

It's a website for women
who want to date rich guys only.

For sure.

Lacey, you are a horrible
judge of character and this
isn't going to help.

Instead of picking losers
in gin-soaked bars,

You'll be picking losers
in your gin-soaked home.

Hey, that is so...

True.

I just want what
everyone else wants--

A deep, meaningful relationship
with a billionaire.

I bet I can get on
that site and I can find you
a great guy like that.

I'll bet you 100 bucks

That I can do it
better than you.

I don't care
nothing about lacey,
but I just like gambling.

Oh, please.
Like you guys know me
better than me.

I spend all day
thinking about me.

You spend, like, what,
maybe two or three hours
a day thinking about me.

That's only because
nolan's 18 hours a day

Messes with the average.

But I do think that this
is a worthy experiment.

Sometimes other people
can be more objective

About what we need
than we are.

As soon as I get
my vagisil check,

I will pay everybody $20
not to do this.

Okay, so here's the plan.
I'll give each of you
my password,

You pretend you're me,

And whoever picks
the best catch wins.

Remember, guys, everything
you put on the internet
stays there forever.

So when you represent lacey
online, be very careful
to protect her dignity.

Yes, please.
Oh, and by the way,

If the guy is worth
more than 10 million,

That unlocks a private photo
gallery of racy photos

Of me in the desert
doing stuff on a car.

Okay, so dignity is
not an issue.

Let's just not give out
her home address.

So, was that okay?

Oh, yeah.
It was super.

Super?

Really?

I'm just quiet.
Is that okay?

I love quiet.

And the quiet went perfectly
with the not moving.

Oh, don't you
worry about me.
I am great.

I just want you
to enjoy yourself.

See, here's the thing.

A big part of my good time
is knowing that you're
having a good time.

Then you just had one of
the best sexual experiences

Of your life, buddy.

Oh, good.

Thanks for letting me know.

I'm telling you,
this woman has got it all.

She's smart, funny,
and when I got her into bed--

Tell me everything.
Don't spare a detail.

It was horrible.

Like building
ikea furniture

Without the fun
or sense of accomplishment.

Wow, I did not
see that coming.

I didn't either
and I was there.

Well, sorry to hear that.

And sort of secretly happy.

I thought she was just
nervous the first time.

We've gone a couple more
rounds and nothing's changed.

- So what are you gonna do?
- I don't know.

I mean, can a relationship
survive if the sex is bad?

Sure, it can limp
along for years before
you're divorced,

Living alone, playing pool
with your neighbor

And listening to him
complain about bad sex

With a stone-cold fox.

So that would be a no.

A sad, sad no.

I've got to break up
with her and I am not
looking forward to it.

Just tell her during sex.
That way she won't
have a reaction.

It's got to be weird.
So many fires happen
at night.

You probably
save a lot of women
that are half dressed.

Just throw them over
your shoulder and take
them back to your place.

Pardon me?

I mean, the hospital.

How about you call me

And we'll talk about it?

I got a fireman's number.

Let me guess, 9-1-1?

- Are you okay?
- No.

I am not okay.

Guys have been all over you
since we walked in

And not one guy
has hit on me.

I think maybe
I just need someplace

That's a little
more sophisticated
like an art gallery.

Come on,
the night's young.

Give it another chance.

- Hey.
- Oh, hi.

Is anybody sitting here?

- No, it's all yours.
- Thanks.

How you doing tonight?

One second.

Thursday at an art gallery.

Good. How are you?

Okay, I'm ready to hear
what you've got.

Show me your rich guys.

My rich guy is the son
of a shipping magnate

And has accomplished
absolutely nothing on his own.

He just runs around the world
spending his parents' money.

Ooh, let me see.
Oh!

One day,
he hopes to settle down

And enroll in dj school.

Follow that,
edward shakyhands.

My young feller

Selflessly gives back
to his community.

This former new jersey
state trooper

Was decorated twice
for valor.

Why are you still talking?

Why?
( laughs )

Because deputy dipstick here

Slipped on a grape
in a supermarket

And won a lawsuit
for $30 million.

Ta-ra-ra-boom,
you're gay.

This is very close.
Nolan, you're up.

This devil-may-care
rapscallion

Plays by his own rules.

He's handsome
and debonair.

At home in the boardroom
and the bedroom.

This young man
boasts assets that include
but are not limited to

His own car.

Oh, nolan.
Sweet, desperate nolan.

No.
I'm going with patrick's.

Please go out with him.
I'm begging you.

You could keep the $100.
That's how rich he is.

- ( doorbell rings )
- coming.

What are you doing here?
I thought we were gonna
meet at the restaurant.

I know,
but my psychic said

That you had a big surprise
for me and I couldn't wait.

Wow, I'm starting
to believe in psychics.

Are we going somewhere?

I'm not.

Look, lori,

Sometimes surprises

Don't seem
great right away,

But they turn out
terrific.

For example, the titanic
hits an iceberg.

Terrible surprise,
couple years later,
box office gold.

Are you breaking up with me?

( stammering )
I'm sorry, lori.

I think you're fantastic.

It's just I don't think
we have very good
chemistry in bed.

I'm not saying that sex
is the only thing, but--

But it is
what's breaking us up.

Well, that
and the religious
differences.

We don't have any
religious differences.

Well, then, yeah,
it's the sex.

Why? Because I don't
make noises

And thrash around
like some kind of animal?

Well, you don't
have to make it sound
so base, but yes.

( scoffs )
you know what?

I just want you to know
that up until now,

I haven't had
any complaints.

Have you had
any compliments?

Uh, have you?

Hey, hey, I can show you
taped testimonials.

You're a pig.

Hey, at least a pig
grunts every now and again.

- Screw you.
- Screw you.

- I'd love to.
- Are you serious?

Yes!

I shouldn't have told you
how great the sex was.

No, it's okay.
We're in session.

I am not bothered by
the "volume of the noises,

Your college-like
turgidity,"

Or that at one point
you had "an out-of-body
experience."

Well, to be fair,
that was just for a second.

We were changing
positions.

What I'm concerned about is that
you're going out with a woman

Who's only able to have
good sex when she's angry.

That's not true.
The anger just unlocked
her passion.

She's incredibly
inhibited and our fight
gave her permission

To get in touch
with herself,

Which at one point
she did while I watched.

Charlie, don't you see
that there's a problem?

Yeah, I see that
there's a problem. You.

For the first time in a while,
I'm in a promising relationship

And, surprise, you find
something wrong with it.

I am not jealous.

So if you think that
I am sitting home alone

Not getting hit on
by firemen and musicians,

Rest assured
that that is not the case.

Wait a minute.
Firemen? Musicians?

You went
to el tostada with jen.

I go for the food.

Ed, I need your rich
loser's number.

Too late.
He's gone.

I kept him hanging
pretty good, though.

I made some promises

That you ought
to be ashamed of.

Well, patrick's guy
stood me up.

Oh, hey, lacey.

What happened?
I thought you had
this all lined up.

I thought this was
the perfect guy.

He is,
just not for you.

How do you know?

Because I figured
I would meet him.

You know,
screen him for you.

But, you know,
one thing led to another

And suffice it to say
he's fully screened.

You slept with my rich guy?

A little.

So what was he doing
on the straight dating site?

His mom put him up there.

Look, lacey, you have
no future with this guy.

Well, how do you know?
Maybe he goes both ways.

Oh, he does go both ways,
just not with women.

See? This is way
more my scene.

I know.

- Oh, hi.
- Hey.

- It's a great show--
- hey.

- Hi.
- Really great show
tonight, huh?

Hey, mr. Face.

You just walked
right by me.

Am I-- I mean, what--
something wrong with me?

Am I not worthy of your time?
Am I not hot enough?

Yeah, you're super hot.

Yeah, you're damn right I am.
So what's your problem?

You just give off a vibe
like you're with somebody.

But if you're not,
I can understand why.

Did you just hear that?
He said I was putting
off a vibe.

I am not putting off a vibe.
Do you think I'm putting
off a vibe?

I don't know.
Are you seeing someone?

No. I mean,
I was sleeping
with somebody,

But we're not even
doing that anymore.

Wow, that must have been
some powerful sex

If the vibe is still there.

Are you done with him?

I've got to lose this vibe.

Hi.

Hi.

So what do you say we go
back to my place

And have a couple drinks
and whatever happens happens?

And I think you know
what's gonna happen.

Sex.

Oh, you are so hot.

Oh, thanks.

I'm gonna rip this shirt
off with my teeth.

Oh, no, no.
Don't do that.

I just got this.
Do you like it?

I am on fire.
Keep going.

Are you sure?
Doesn't feel like
you're on fire.

Oh, I am.
Grr.

You know what?

I hate the way you laugh.

What?

Yeah, it's one of the worst
sounds I've ever heard.

And I spent a summer
working in a slaughterhouse.

- Why are you being so mean?
- Why are you being
so sensitive?

- I'm not.
- And defensive.

I don't understand
what's going on with you.

'cause you're not
very bright.

You are such a jerk.

That's what
I'm talking about.

- Say my name.
- Screw you.

Screw you.

I want you so bad!

Ahh!

I am so turned on
right now.

- I know, that's the problem.
- Not for me.

Lori, we need to have
a serious talk.

Oh, my god,
do you want me or not?

Okay, but then after,
we have to have
a serious talk.

Okay.

No, no, no.
No, no, no.

I'm sorry.
We can't do this.

You're turned on by anger
and it's just not healthy.

I'm not angry.

I'm just aroused,
you dumbass.

See? That is not the kind
of thing you'd call someone
you care about.

There are no valentine's day
cards that start, "you dumbass."

Ugh, are we doing this
or aren't we?

( sighs )
we aren't.

I really care
about you, sweetie,

But, well,
you need therapy.

I'll tell you what.
I'll talk to my astrologer

And if she says
the stars are aligned,

I'll ask my psychic
to see if my spirit guide

Says it's okay
for me to go to therapy.

Great.

And then can you send
all three of them here

So they can help me turn
this table back over?

I hope you don't have
a heart condition.

'cause you are about
to spend one wild night

With a single, unattached,
unencumbered woman.

No baggage,
free as a bird.

Yup, there's not a man,
not one.

Not a man.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
You're starting to scare
me a little bit here.

No, no, no.
I'm just saying
there's no one else.

- It's just you and me.
- Yeah?

Well, great.
'cause I'm really
looking forward to this.

Uh, no.
Not the bed.

Right, not the bed.
Where?

- Uh, maybe the chair.
- Yeah, chair's good.

Yeah.

Okay.

No, get on the floor.

Yeah, perfect.

- No.
- Bathroom? Kitchen?

No, no.
It's not the where.

It's the who.

I'm sorry.
I am kind of involved.

I mean, not involved.

I mean, technically,
there's no guy,

- But there's a guy.
- I get it.

How about the roof?

( keys clicking )

( phone chimes )