Anger Management (2012–2014): Season 1, Episode 5 - Charlie Tries to Prove Therapy Is Legit - full transcript

So, Patrick, this brings
up a good question.

How does a pile of your boyfriend's
clothes end up on fire?

I know that one.
You catch him staring at your sister's ass.

I'm pretty sure that wasn't
Patrick's problem, Lacey.

It's very simple.
My mother, God rest her soul,

always said that the best way to get gum
out of an angora sweater is with kerosene.

Lots and lots of kerosene.

Sure, and napalm gets out red wine.

So, what I'm hearing is you're upset
with Scott, so you lit his clothes on fire?

Is that why they call you people flamers?

I don't mean nothing.
I'm just trying to learn here.



Yes. Yes, Ed.
The burning of the boyfriend's clothes

has been a fabulous gay ritual
since ancient times.

Way back to when my great,
great, great, great

grandfather boned your,
I don't know, dad, I guess.

That was a great quip. I can't quip.

Anyway, to make a long story short,

my boyfriend and I had a heart-to-heart
and he agreed to put his clothes

in the hamper from now on.

I think Scott and I living together
is gonna work out fine.

Just fine.

I wish I could quip.

I sort of just try to think of something
clever to say, then I just sort of ramble.

- Then by the time I...
- Thank you, Nolan.

- Unfortunately our time is up.
- But wait.



I have another issue.

I think my mother's ghost
is haunting my apartment.

You're so lucky. My mother's still alive.

Patrick, we'll talk about your
ghost next time.

And, guys, guys, guys, I know I've said it
1,000 times,

but if you're going to bring up the undead,
try to do so at the beginning of the session.

Yeah, and we can have s'mores,
like, around the campfire in the backyard.

'Cause of the ghost story.

Yes, nailed the quip.

- Hey, Charlie.
- Hi.

Lori will be here any minute.
This is a great business idea.

You're gonna love it.

Yeah, I read the brochure and I know
you're hoping I was going to invest,

but I'm not sure anyone
needs a manicure on wheels.

Although the name Vanicures is terrible.

Charlie, women have nail emergencies.

"Oh, no, I ruined my nail.
What am I going to do?"

"I'm on my way to a big job interview."

Cool. If you get it,
can we drop the alimony?

Shut up, I'm in the middle of a pitch.

Oh, yeah. "I'm gonna call Vanicures. They
come right to you and repair the nail",

"so nobody knows you were this close
to your life falling apart."

So what do you think?

I think if your life is falling apart
because of a broken nail,

you need a mobile psych ward.

- So you don't like it?
- Jen.

This is a terrible, terrible idea.

- Hi.
- Hi. You must be Lori.

- Yes.
- I'm Charlie. Come on in.

Thanks.

Jen was just telling me about your
incredibly hot business idea.

Yeah, it's going really well.

I brought the prospectus
for you to look over.

Don't need to. I support this woman
in everything she does.

Yeah, it's like a big open-handed
slap of support.

You know, Lori, I've always said
that the measure of a man

is in how much he's
willing to do for his ex.

Oh, well, Jen's lucky.

My ex can be a little difficult.

Nuts. A total maniac.

- A real whack job.
- We get it.

I don't see what the problem is.

All I'm asking you to do
is give me Lori's number,

then make a call saying how great I am.

- Absolutely not.
- Okay.

Don't make a call saying how great I am.
Just give me her number.

- Absolutely not.
- Okay, okay.

Don't make a call saying how great I am,
don't give me her number,

just leave your phone on the table
and go grab a snack.

I'm not setting you up
with a business associate.

Besides, you wouldn't like her.
You only date empty-headed young girls.

That is a gross generalization.

The last girl you went out with was
a boat show model

who posted pictures of yourjunk on Twitter.

I'm so touched you recognize me
after all these years.

But, Charlie, that's the kind of person
you're attracted to.

I'm trying to change. I'm trying
to find someone more substantial.

Look, I want you to be happy.
Don't you want me to be happy?

I'm gonna be real honest with you, Charlie.

I always want to be
just a little bit happier than you.

Look, no matter what happens with Lori,

I promise you,
as long as I have you in my life,

I'll always be a little more
miserable than you.

Charlie, that's so sweet.

I am sweet. Help me share it.

- Fine, I'll give her a call.
- Thank you.

I won't screw up your
business relationship.

If it doesn't go well with Lori, I promise

I won't do donuts on her lawn
and call her a slut

like I did when you and I
broke up in high school.

That was you?
I was going with, like, three guys.

That's what "slut" was about.

And then last quarter,
we doubled gross profits again.

We keep exceeding expectations.

And so do you.

I've got to tell you,
I think I'm doing great here tonight.

I don't think I've ever been more charming.

Wow. We've been here for four hours.

I thought it was going to be 30 minutes

and then straight
to the fake phone emergency.

I've used that. What?

Ten years in the Reserve,
and they're calling me up now?

Jen was so wrong about you.

She told me you were shallow and you'd
spend the whole night staring at my chest.

Why would she say that?
Catch what I did there?

Told a little joke
and I got to stare at your chest.

I like how you just put it all out there.

I feel like you get to a certain point,
and why waste time on a bunch of BS, right?

Good point. Want to go back to my place?

I'd love to. But not on the first date.

We haven't even exchanged traumatic
high school dating stories yet.

- I got dumped at prom.
- My boyfriend had a chain wallet.

You win. Let's go back to my place.

I wish I could. I have a meeting with
my investors in the morning.

Yeah, I have an early group therapy
I have to prepare for anyway.

Oh, that's right. You're a therapist.
Well, that must be fun.

It can be, but anything's fun
if you like what you do.

Yeah, and what the hell? If people
feel better when they leave, that's great.

Well, that's what therapy does.

I totally get it. My uncle was a magician.

I'm free tomorrow night. Call me.

A friggin' magician?

- Hey, Charlie. Sam ready?
- I thought she was with you this week.

- She hasn't been here all week?
- I'll be right down, Mom.

I hate you.

Well, then here's your opportunity
to get me back.

- Did Lori call?
- Oh, yeah.

And?

She said she had a great time
and that you're funny.

What did you put in her drink?

She have any attitude about my job?

'Cause we had a great time,
but at the very end

she made a little crack
about what I do for a living.

Oh, yeah, that.
She doesn't believe in therapy.

That's what I thought. It's crazy.

Not really.
Lots of people don't believe in therapists.

Lots of people think they're just a bunch
of big phonies

who get paid to sit
and listen to whiny people

who don't have the guts to get off
their asses and get their crap together.

Wow, how long you been sitting on that?

You look so beautiful, Lori.

The food, the conversation,
it's all so perfect.

I just don't want this night to end.

To us.

You know, I thought having a Skype
date was going to be creepy and weird.

But you know what? It really is.

I know. I can't wait for you to get back.

I'm looking forward to having it creepy
and weird with you in person.

Well, you are in luck.

As soon as I get back from Chicago,

I think our next date might have
to include a toothbrush and pajamas.

Now, I know you don't believe in therapy,

but I think your healthy sexuality
is a result of a close-knit family

that provided a safe environment.

Whatever. I just want to have sex with you.

Or that.

I got to go. Fly safe.
I'll see you Wednesday?

- Can't wait. Good night.
- Okay, good night.

Are you late for some sort of
business meeting in a swimming pool?

In fact, no. I just had
a cyber date with Lori.

Right, right. The entrepre-nutjob
who doesn't believe in therapy.

You still chasing that rainbow?

As a matter of fact, I am.
She's actually a very smart businesswoman,

who happens to believe that my life's work
is equal to sawing a woman in half.

Speaking of a lack of respect,

I read a great paper on humiliation
this weekend

- and it gave me some great ideas.
- No, no, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, sweetie, I can't. I can't.
I've got to invoke the rules.

If one party is in proximity
of a serious relationship,

the other party must agree
to suspend sexual relations.

Man, that has got to be the weirdest
document ever signed in front of a notary.

Fine. Play this thing out.
We'll have sex on Thursday.

Just because she doesn't believe in therapy
doesn't mean this relationship can't work.

Fine. We'll have sex on Friday... Morning.

No, no, I'm going to prove to her
that therapy is valid.

And then we can begin a healthy
emotional relationship.

Yes, and then we'll all hold hands

and wish away hunger and war
and meanness between people.

And then I'll see you for sex on Friday.

You know, we could all hold hands
and wish away

war and hunger anyway,
you dark, cynical bitch.

Are you sure it's okay that I'm sitting
in on one of your sessions?

Well, it's not really a session today.

I invited a former patient
to come talk to the group

about how successful
therapy's been for him.

Oh, I think it's very sweet that you care
enough to try to convince me

that you're not stealing from these people.

Well, I do. Care, not steal.

And I think it's very sweet
that you're pretending

to be a person with an open mind.

Well, I am. Pretending.

So, basically, I lost 20 years of my life
to anger and self-sabotage.

I lost my wife, my job and our home.

But thanks to therapy and the tools
that this guy taught me,

I mean, I was able to rebuild my life.
I mean, it's a miracle.

Well, thank you, Rodney. But let's
not put me on the same level as God here.

Just a regular guy who does godlike things.

Charlie, is it okay if I ask something?

- Shoot.
- I am really impressed, Rodney.

So you don't get angry at all anymore?

No, everybody gets angry. I mean, you
know, life is full of challenges.

But with what I learned here in this group,
I'm able to manage my anger.

Did you learn anything
about speeding up the process?

Because it's costing me a small
fortune to eat Bagel Bites

and listening to that
dot-head and this queer-doke

call me a racist and a homophobe.

He never calls me anything.
Just so you know, I'm half-Jewish.

- What's the other half?
- French.

I'll work on something.

I have a question, too, Rodney.

At your lowest point, did you ever feel
like you were being haunted by a ghost?

- Because I've...
- Well said, Patrick.

Don't we all have ghosts?

So, Rodney, why don't you tell us
about the new woman in your life?

I'd rather not.

Sounds like trouble in paradise.
Hey, Frogstein?

It's either that or Surrenderburg.
I'm still working on it.

Is the new girl leaving you, too?

You know, I drove a long way
to come out here and help you guys.

I would think that you
might back off a little.

Okay, I want to thank Rodney for his time.

- And I wish him...
- She cheated on me, all right?

They all do.
That's how they train them in hell.

I'm sure Rodney has
somewhere to be right now.

No, no, no. I can't check back into
the shelter for another two hours.

I'm all yours.

- What happened to your job?
- Nobody buys the paper anymore.

Were you, like, a paperboy on a bicycle?
'Cause that's really funny.

I wrote the Jumble.

Why don't you tweet about that
to all the other cheating little whores?

It's okay. It's okay, Rodney.
Breathe. Breathe.

Help me out, buddy.
I'm trying to impress a girl here.

You never think it's gonna be your brother.
You know?

Then one day you walk in on them doing it

on the table where you used
to write your Jumble.

Punch the Bobo, Rodney.
Take out your anger on the Bobo.

No, I'm calming down. I can feel it.

You son of a bitch!

I gave you a kidney and you stole my wife!

You stupid rekufc.

It's a Jumble. Figure it out.

- I'm gonna take off.
- Okay.

Looks like you got your hands full here.

Call me later. This is fun.

Bobo's dead.

And I really thought me and Lori
might have had something.

I'm sorry, Charlie. Oh, look, it's Friday.

You said morning. You were wrong. I win.

I'm never gonna get it up tonight.

I told you this would happen.

My mom used to tell me a story
about a fish and a duck

who tried to fall in love, but it wouldn't
work because they were so different.

And their sexual organs wouldn't line up.

There's more to it.

I think a goose got involved.

But the point is clear.

It's not even about Lori anymore.
Maybe I am a magician.

Maybe therapy is just smoke and mirrors
that won't hold up in the long run.

- Come here.
- I'm not in the mood.

I'm not going to touch you.

You said that before.
Every time I get in that bed, you touch me.

I promise I'm not going to touch you.
I just want to make you feel better.

Okay.

But if you make me feel better,
then I'm going to want you to touch me.

Charlie, you picked a profession
with lots of ups and downs.

- And?
- That's all I got.

I'm gonna touch you now.

Hello?

Patrick?

Is it important? 'Cause I'm kind of busy.

None of your business.

All right. I'll be right there.

Where are you going?

Patrick's having a crisis with his mother.

He says he's seeing her angry ghost.

Well, I have a patient whose rabbit
gives him stock tips,

but you don't see me going out
in the middle of the night.

That's just what I do. You upset?

No. You just wrecked my plans to get you
super horny and kick you out.

It's what us dark, cynical bitches do.

Thank God you came.
I didn't know who else to call.

My mother's ghost is really mad.

She keeps rattling that lamp over there
and I don't know what she's angry about.

How do we know it's your mother?

Does she actually speak or is she more of a
traditional "Woo" kind of ghost?

She's more like a "You're a disappointment.
I expected more" kind of ghost.

Is there anything that happened
that she would be disappointed about?

That woman would be
disappointed in a rainbow.

"Stripes are very unflattering."

- I mean recently.
- Well, she died.

A lot of people have issues with that.

I don't know what it is. She won't tell me.

Maybe she'll tell me.

- Hello, Patrick's mom.
- Don't say mom!

She hated being called mom.

She said it was very
inelegant to have children.

You ever think about bringing that
up in therapy? It's kind of a big point.

Just call her Mona. And whatever you do,
don't tell her you love her.

I wasn't planning on it.

- Hello, Mona.
- Put on a British accent.

All her lovers were British.

I don't want to be her lover.

If you want her to answer, you just do it!

Fine.

'Ello, Mona.

What, do you work at the docks?
Upscale British.

Okay, no. I'm not doing this.
Let's think about what's making her angry.

What were you doing
right before she appeared?

I had a fight with Scott.

Oh, my God.
Do you think this is about Scott?

Why would Mona be angry about Scott?

Well, maybe because she thinks
he moved in too soon?

Ask her if she wants me
to tell him to move out.

Why are we asking Mona?
Is that what you want?

I don't know.
She always handled these things in my life.

Your mother handled your relationships?

Doesn't everybody's?

No. Although, my mom tried to set me up
with my second cousin once.

I had to draw a chart to show her
why it was wrong.

But this isn't about me.

It sounds like you had a codependent
relationship with your mother.

I don't know about codependent.

She did make my decisions for me
and I was her only friend.

Patrick, you're obviously upset
about Scott moving in

and you're manifesting that
through your mother's ghost.

- I think you know what you have to do.
- Adopt a baby to save the relationship.

No, you might want to think
about living alone for a while

and making your own decisions.

That's part of the reason
you're passive-aggressive.

You've never made your own choices.

So you've always said what you really felt
out of the side of your mouth.

So there's no Mona?

No.

Then how do you explain that?

It's right next to the vent and the
airjust kicked on.

I moved it there yesterday.

So I guess that's not my grandmother
in the dishwasher either.

No.

- I'll see you on Thursday.
- You're a good therapist.

Thank you.

Would you call what I do almost like magic?

Not really.

Good. Bye, Mona.

- Okay, now you're just making fun of me.
- You got me there, matey.

Okay, now you're just a pirate.

And I realized the whole Rodney
thing was a disaster.

But the next day I had a great breakthrough
with another one of my patients

- and I realized I can't prove to you...
- Charlie. It doesn't matter.

I think it's really cute you tried,
but you don't have to prove anything to me.

- I can get past it if you can.
- That's what I came here to tell you.

I don't care if I'm a
fish and you're a duck.

I think if we work hard enough,
we can get our genitals to line up.

Okay, that was weird.
But I get it and I agree.

It's like the great Paula Abdul once said,
"Opposites attract."

- The great Paula Abdul?
- Wait, you don't like her?

Well, sure I do. But I reserve
the word great for people like

- Nelson Mandela and Mother Teresa.
- And Paula Abdul.

So totally open-minded here.

The breakthrough you had
with your patient, what was it?

Nah, you're gonna think it's silly.

I saw a guy beat up a plastic
man with a log. Just tell me.

Okay. He thought he had a ghost.

Really? So did he?

Of course not.

Because my aunt has one in her house
and I've always wanted to meet him.

- So you believe in ghosts?
- Yeah.

- But not in therapy?
- No.

Okay, okay, okay. You know what?

I don't believe in ghosts, you don't believe
in therapy, but we can get past that, too.

We sure can. I'm Aquarius. I'm easygoing.

- So you believe in astrology?
- I don't make a move without it.

- But you don't believe in therapy?
- No.

Okay, you know what? I don't care.
I like you, you like me.

- Let's go back to my place.
- I knew you'd ask.

- I'm a little psychic.
- Awesome.

So then you know what we're gonna do.

Yeah, I do. And by the way,

I don't believe in birth control.

Well, I made it to Saturday.