Anger Management (2012–2014): Season 1, Episode 6 - Charlie Dates Kate's Patient - full transcript

Okay. Who would like to start today?

I would.

What's with the attitude?

It's a splint.

I broke my finger last
night because of you.

See, everybody?

And how exactly was I involved in that?

You didn't answer your phone.

I was in line at a club when some
dog-faced bitch

shoved me and I tripped and fell
on the ground.

- And that's how you broke your finger?
- No.



I was angry, so I called Charlie
to talk me down, but you didn't pick up.

So I found said bitch, took her face,
shoved it into the turntables,

got my finger caught in her
cheap-ass weave, and it broke.

First of all, said therapist takes no
responsibility for said bitch slam.

But, Lacey, if you had gotten a hold of me,
what would I have said?

You would have said for me to use my
communication skills,

express my hurt, breathe deeply,
and walk away.

So, why didn't you do that?

I couldn't get in touch with you.

Okay, let's solve this problem.

Well, if we took some of that tape
around her wrist

and put it over her mouth,
I think that would solve it.

Look. You all know the basic techniques
of anger management.

Now, in the event that you can't get
through to me,



there's no reason you can't contact
each other.

We'll call it the anger buddy call system.

This is actually a really good idea.

- Ed, you'll call Patrick.
- Oh, crap.

Patrick, you'll call Nolan. And Nolan...

- Ed calls me, I call Patrick.
- Oh, crap.

Nolan, you'll call Lacey, and Lacey,
you call Ed.

- Hello?
- Hi.

Guys, I don't think
you're getting the idea.

Nolan, if you
call Lacey again, you better be...

On fire.

With rage and about to...

Stab yourself in the face.

Lacey, sometimes I worry that you're...

Too bitter to ever find a good guy
to love me?

That I'm going to end up living in some
'90s stucco condo

in Burbank with some loser?

Like Nolan!

Hey, Charlie.

Hi, Kate.

Don't worry about it, Charlie.
This is my friend, Victor.

- Nice to meet you.
- Pleasure.

Victor and I met at a silent auction for
the Museum of Contemporary Arts.

We got into a little bidding war
over one of Andy Warhol's wigs.

We were outbid by the Sultan of Brunei.

Barely.

I feel you. I can't tell you how many
wigs I've lost to that guy.

What a dick.

Okay, well, I'll see you tonight.

Excuse me, but don't you and I have a
little playdate tonight?

Yeah.
Victor and I are going to engage in some

pseudointellectual one-upmanship
over dinner,

then the symphony, and then I'm coming
over to your place to bang.

So, how are you feeling today?

Stupid, but bangable.

Come on. You're not jealous.

Of Grandpa Victor? No, I'm sure his
tales of the Old West are spellbinding.

He just has a brilliant intellect
and I find him fascinating.

So, do you guys ever go out during the day

or does the sunlight
make him burst into flames?

Charlie, I can't believe you're this upset.

You barely met the guy.

But you saw how he was.
"The Sultan of Brunei stole my wig."

Look, just because I like someone smart
doesn't mean you're dumb.

You are the smartest
ex-baseball player I know.

Victor's just been a cultured
intellectual all his life.

You're nouveau smart.

I've been smart my whole life.

I just happened to be a good-looking athlete
that didn't need to use it to get girls.

But I've always had that bullet
in the chamber.

Just waiting for my looks to fade.

I'm still waiting.

Charlie, double-shot latte.

I'm sorry, Allie, but I ordered a
double-shot espresso.

Would you mind drinking this anyway?

'Cause if you return it,
then I got to pay for it.

I'll tell you what.
I'll bet that in the next five minutes

someone will want a double-shot latte,
and if not, I'll pay for it.

Statistically, considering the number of
drinks that we offer,

the foot traffic this time of day,

and the relative
popularity of a double-shot latte,

you're looking at odds of 20-1.

Wow. Impressive.
Where did that come from?

I'm working on my PhD in applied
statistical economics.

And you just used it in your real life?

You might be the first person
to ever do that.

- But I think your odds are way off.
- You want to bet?

Okay, but I'm legally bound to warn you
that I'm a psychotherapist

and I know the power of subliminal
priming and cognitive influence.

Impressive.

And I guarantee that someone will order
one of these in the next five minutes.

You're on. Okay, clock starts right now.

Hello. I'd like a
double-shot latte, please.

If you have one at room temperature,
that'd be great.

- Well played.
- Thank you.

Too bad we didn't decide on a wager.

Well, we're both so smart, I just assumed
we were talking about a dinner date.

How do I know you're my type?

Maybe you can gather some empirical
evidence by going out to dinner with me.

Okay. I'd love to. But only because you
used the word empirical properly.

Thank God.
I was gripping the wheel on that one.

Wow. You are on fire tonight.

It's that opera Victor took me to.

You wouldn't think a woman
who kills her husband

in the bridal chamber
would be such a turn-on.

You know, I've been looking for a good
husband-murdery opera to go to,

and this sounds like the one.

You're going to an opera?

- I made a new friend.
- A new friend?

We've gone out a couple of times.

Saturday, we're celebrating that she
finished her dissertation,

so we're going to go to the opera.

Opera? Dissertation? Does she know you're
only going out with her

to get back at me for Victor?

She's extremely smart,
she'll figure it out.

That's only part of the
reason I'm doing it.

She's the smartest woman I've ever met
and she finds me fascinating.

We have a meeting of the minds.

Is this meeting at the corner of
wishful and thinking?

Well, actually, it's in your building.
She works in the coffee shop.

Wait.

You're not talking about Allie, are you?

You know her?

Yes. She's a patient of mine.
I don't think you should be seeing her.

Come on. Why?

Because it's a huge conflict for me.

You're dating her now,
you're gonna be sleeping with her,

and I need to be objective about
your relationships when I analyze you.

Now pull my underwear down with
your teeth.

No problem.
I'll just go out with her as a friend,

just like you do with
the guys that you see.

Yes, but you can't just have women friends.

Sex is your Achilles' heel.

The longest you've ever resisted a
vagina is now

and it's starting to get me upset.

All right. I don't like it, but fine.

I'll explain to her
that I can't see her anymore.

Thank you for respecting my wishes.

Okay. Underwear, teeth, now.

Aren't you forgetting something?

Please?

What the hell?

Hello?

Ed, it's Patrick. From group.

What are you calling me for?
It's the middle of the night.

It's 9:30.

I get up at 4:00. That's when I
piss, shave, and have breakfast.

That's three things I accomplish before
you get your first peter in your face.

Can you come over, please?
I'm about to lose it with my neighbors.

They've been having a party for the
last 12 hours and it's driving me crazy.

Call the cops.

I did and they won't do anything.

You're my anger buddy call.

Could you please come over
here and talk me down?

If I come over there,
somebody's gonna get hurt.

I don't want you to beat them up.

I'm talking about you.

Look at me, dude. You want me in there.

What's up, Patrick? What do you want?

I am about to lose it with my neighbors.

- I called Ed, but he blew me off.
- What are they doing?

They're having a party with really loud
music that has been going on forever.

Listen.

Sounds like the DJ is playing Skrillex.
Cool, I'll be right over.

Nolan residence.

Nolan, I need a ride to Patrick's, now.

And I'm supposed to just stop
whatever I'm doing?

Yes.

Okay.

- I'm at the Abbey.
- Yeah, you are.

Charlie, sorry I'm late.

It took me a while
to print out my dissertation.

For you.

- Thank you. I'm flattered.
- Yeah.

"Statistical deviations in the estimated
gross domestic product"

"of the Soviet Bloc, 1971 -1972
as compared to the..."

You know what,
I'll read the rest of the title tonight.

Okay, it may be a little dry for
somebody who's not into statistics.

Even for the casual statistics lover.

You might want to think about ending the
title with Beyond Thunderdome.

I'm sorry, I don't know what that means.

Really? Mad Max? It's a movie.

It doesn't matter.

Allie, I can't go out with you anymore.

Okay, it's only like two hours of my life.
I'll watch the movie.

No, no, it's not that.
Kate Wales is my best friend

and we're both her patients
and she doesn't want us to do this.

- Really?
- Yeah, she felt pretty strongly about it.

There's no wiggle room here.
It's forbidden.

Forbidden, huh?

Well, I mean, that just seems so silly.

We're just friends. What
do we have to hide?

I know, I know. I agree with you.

I just don't want to upset her.

- I mean, it's not like we're doing this.
- Doing...

I mean, if Kate saw that,
she would be pretty upset, right?

If the vice squad saw that,
they'd be pretty upset.

- Zipper, not buttons.
- You're bad.

I wonder what Kate would say if she

walked in on us in the bathroom
in the next 15 minutes?

She'd probably say,
"I can't believe you're doing this"

"and I'm deeply disappointed
in both of you."

But there's only one way to find out.

Sam, I promised my friend I would read her

dissertation and I'm seeing her tonight.
Are you done yet?

You got my 10 bucks?

Not so fast. The deal was you write me a
one-page synopsis of it

so I know what I'm talking about,
and then you get the money.

Thank you.

"This is a very interesting dissertation
with multiple themes"

"that I have found to be very interesting.
It is about the statistical deviations"

"in the estimated gross domestic product of
the Soviet Bloc, 1971 to nineteen-seventy..."

Hey, all you did was copy the title!

Hey, all you did was give me 10 bucks.

Hey, hey, hey.
Don't eat that. It's for the group.

- Sorry.
- Well, don't put it back. You touched it.

I'll toss it.

Don't throw it away. It's
perfectly good food.

What am I supposed to do with this?

Well, you might as well eat it now.

- Hey, not so fast! You wanna taste it.
- What is wrong with you?

I'm sorry, Mike. I'm on edge.

I did something that I shouldn't have done.

Touched a muffin you weren't supposed to?

Well, in a way.

I had sex with one of Kate's patients
last night.

Why is that a problem?

She told me not to, I agreed not to,

and now I want to do it again.

Well, Kate better not find out.
Hell hath no fury like a woman's corn.

Mike, it's Shakespeare.

"Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned."

Yeah, trust me, Charles.
A woman doesn't throw a can

of scorned at your head
after you've had sex with her sister.

I stand corrected.
Is that why you got divorced?

No, no, no. Political differences.

Yes, that's why I got divorced.

I betrayed her trust.

Well, that's what's so weird. Kate and I
have no emotional obligation to each other,

but I still feel like I'm cheating on her.

Stop seeing the girl.

I don't want to. She's smart, she's
attractive, she thinks I'm intelligent,

and she's into all this
crazy, dangerous sex.

You can barely drive the woman home
without risking your life.

It's awesome.

Problem is, Kate's our therapist.

Wait, don't you have great sex
with Kate, too?

Yes.

So, let me get this straight. You have
two women that you have great sex with,

and I haven't been laid since
the niblet incident.

I got nothing and you're hassling me
about a danish?

Shame on you!

You were supposed to talk me out of it!

Hey, guys.

You owe me $750 for
bailing these morons out of jail.

Jail?
Anyone want to tell me what happened?

Moe? Larry? Curly?

My neighbors were having a really
loud party,

so I used your anger buddy thing
and called Lacey and Nolan,

and they came over to try to calm me
down, and then things got crazy.

So, neither of you were able to help him
control his anger?

You just went over there, went all
Thunderdome and got arrested?

- What's that?
- No one knows that movie?

For your information,
Mr. Jump-To-Conclusions-Face,

we calmly went over there
to dialogue with them.

Turns out they were really nice
and had tequila shooters.

Lots and lots of tequila shooters.

Tequila? What were you thinking?
It's the Mel Gibson of alcohol.

But then when the cops got there,
Patrick screwed up everything.

All I asked was if they knew
where the cowboy,

the construction worker,
and the lndian were. What?

Then, and you'll be proud of us for this,

somebody else started a fight.
We just ran away.

I found us an awesome hiding place in
the back of a car.

Turns out it was a cop car.
God, we were drunk.

Then they got one phone call.
They called me.

So, wait a second.

So Patrick got mad and he called Ed,
but he wouldn't come over?

- Yeah.
- Yes.

And then Lacey and Nolan came over and
you all got drunk,

told off a cop, and got arrested?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

- And you called Ed to bail you out?
- Yeah.

- You called Ed instead of me?
- Yeah.

Phone system works!

Oh, great.

Charlie?

- Charlie!
- It's not what you think!

She's the maid. I slipped.
It just happened.

I was drunk. I'm sorry.
Please don't leave me.

Charlie, it's 2012.

What? Right. We're divorced.

Man, that was like riding a bicycle.

Hi, I'm Jen. Charlie cheated on me a lot.

Hi, I'm Allie, and I kind
of figured that out.

Hey, do you have the check for Sam's camp?

Yeah, it's in the kitchen.

Got it. Nice meeting you.
Thanks for the trip down memory lane.

You know, if we start again right now,

she might catch us on the way back out.

Nah, she'll leave through the kitchen.

You know, we could go do it on the front
lawn, see if we get on Google Earth.

Yeah, I've already done that.

I'll show you later.

Crap! Kate. Just a sec.

- Hey.
- Hey, Charlie. Can I borrow your binoculars?

I'm skipping work to go to the Heritage
Blues Festival with Victor.

You're probably in a hurry.
Why don't you go back

out to your car and I'll bring them to you?

Actually, I've got 20 minutes. Why don't we
go upstairs and knock out a quick one?

Are you kidding? You've got to
get to a blues festival early.

Half of the fun is watching the blind
musicians try to make it to the stage.

You know what?
I think they're in the kitchen.

It's the big room with the stove.

- Are they in one of these drawers?
- I think so.

No. It's all just cooking stuff.

They're in one of these drawers somewhere.

Check the pantry.

I don't see them.

Look on the top shelf.

I don't think they're here.

Go back, go back. And look again.

Charlie, this is...

Here they are.

See? There. You're all set.
You better get going.

Okay, go. I mean, come on.

Drive safe. Enjoy the songs of hard times
and racial oppression.

Thanks. See you later.

That was so much fun.
How turned on are you right now?

Not as much as you.

Where's Kate going?

- To a blues festival.
- Let's do it in her office.

That'd be insane.

You're not kidding. L
don't think we should.

I know we shouldn't.

But we're going to, aren't we?

By the way, remember how you thought
I was really smart?

- Yeah.
- You were wrong.

Oh, wow.

How perfect is it that Kate trusts you
enough to give you a key to her office?

Have you ever
fantasized about having sex in here?

Fantasized? No.

Well, I have.

This is so exciting. Come here.

You know, this may sound crazy,

but I think I'm having
one of those bungee jump moments.

What?

It all sounds great when you sign up,

but then all of a sudden you're up
there, ready to go, and you think,

"Who's that screaming?"
And you realize, "Oh, it's me."

Yeah, and then you jump and you never
knew anything could be so exhilarating.

I'm going to set the mood a little bit.

Okay.
So the mood is set for all of Santa Monica.

This is so hot.

We have to do it on the couch.

Or, different idea,
we go down to the parking garage

and we do it in Kate's spot.

It says "head in only," but we can back in.

I can't have sex on this couch.

Hey, you said you wanted to do this.
You can't just get me all revved up

and then not follow through.

Well, okay, you can,
but then you have to finish strong.

I'm sorry, but Kate's my best friend
and I just can't do this to her.

I don't know what it's
called for the ladies,

but I think I'm blue-balling you.

There is no word for it because no one ever
turned down sex from a hot woman.

Let me tell you, I'm not crazy about
being the first,

but this is really, really unhealthy.

I think we both might
want to do a little work

with Kate on our obsessions
with dangerous sex.

That might be your problem,
but that's not mine.

I went to see Kate
because I was morbidly shy.

Oh, well, in that case, you're making
terrific progress.

On my couch? I just had that cleaned.

I told you, nothing happened. I felt
horrible and I shut the entire thing down.

I'm really sorry.

Okay. Okay.

Thank you for telling me.
At least now I know

that when Allie talks about that old
guy who pink-balled her...

Pink-balled?

Blue-balling for women.

I knew I wasn't the first. Old guy?

Just so you know, I think a little of
this might be my fault.

I should have never teased you
about Victor.

I wouldn't be your friend if I didn't think
your intellect wasn't, you know,

borderline above average.

I'd probably still sleep with you, though.

Charlie like.

By the way, Victor and I are done.

Really? What happened?

He wrote me a love sonnet.

Rookie mistake.
No wonder this guy's 90 and single.

He's just not my type of guy.

Come over here?

I'd love to, but Jen's going to be over
any minute.

So, you're afraid she'll catch us?

You know how you just said I was smart?

- Yeah.
- You were wrong.