Anger Management (2012–2014): Season 1, Episode 2 - Charlie and the Slumpbuster - full transcript

Ok I'm gonna order us some drinks.
What can I get you?

Anything blue.
Or yellow.

On the off chance
they don't have either,

is there another primary
color I can get for you?

Pink.

Be right back.

How's your date going?

She would like a blue drink

or a yellow drink
or a pink drink.

You want me to put it
in a sippy cup?

Yeah, I should have known.



On Facebook she said she wasn't
very good at conversationing.

She seems bangable,

in a Megan's Law kind of a way.

Hey, she's older than
she looks and acts and is.

- Hey.
- Oh, crap. Hey.

What are you guys doing here?

Oh, we were out getting stuff
to make jewelry

and decided to grab
something to eat.

- Are you on a date?
- Absolutely not.

Just stopped in for
a quick whiskey and...

Windex.

Oh, good.
Blue.

Oh, you mean a date.

This is Daytona.
Daytona, this is my ex-wife Jennifer



- and my daughter Sam.
- Hi.

Okay, I know I said it's a date,
but it's not a date date.

It's more like two ships
passing in the night

and one ship
is heading to LEGOLAND.

It's okay, Dad.
You don't have to make excuses.

- You can go out with whoever you want.
- No, I know, I know.

I just want you to know I don't
normally date women like that.

Yes, you do.

What, what, what?
How would you know?

I look at your friends
list on Facebook.

You let her spy
on me like that?

I can't help it. She changed the
password and locked me out.

I've got to take
a class or something.

It's okay, Dad.
You like hotties.

It's kind of superficial,
but I still love you.

I am not superficial.
I date all kinds of women.

So it's just a coincidence
they're all hotties?

It is a fundamental law
of human nature

that good-looking people
are attracted to each other.

I'm just a tool of evolution.

This is how our species
gets hotter.

Okay, now that we're all here,
I thought everyone should know

that we have a new member
joining us today.

Her name is Mel and she should
fit nicely with this group.

Finally, it'll be nice
to have a girl in the group.

Hey!

Patrick, why do you always
take shots at Lacey?

You seem to have a real
resentment towards her.

She's pretty, she's rich,
she's spoiled.

- She's everything you want to be.
- Shut up, Ed.

What Ed said.

- ( Doorbell rings )
- Remember, Patrick,

there is nothing more
unattractive than envy.

I think envy's here.

You must be Mel.
Welcome to the group.

Sorry I'm late.
I couldn't find the house.

Then I found it.

Oh, that's it?

Okay. Everybody,
this is Mel.

Mel, this is Lacey,
Nolan, Patrick and Ed.

Have a seat.

Just so you know, there's
no pressure to talk today.

You can just observe
if you'd like.

No, I'd like to jump right in.

I like this fella.
Doesn't mess around.

Okay, Mel, you have the floor.

Well, it all started
with this guy.

Of course it did.
Jerks.

Lacey, I think you're coloring
this with your experience.

Her boyfriend cheated on
her and she shot him.

Nolan, when Lacey is ready to
tell Mel her story, I'm sure...

- In the balls.
- And there it is.

- Go on, Mel.
- Well, I met this guy.

He changed my life.
He gave me hope.

And now I'm beginning to think it was
all based on a lie and I'm angry.

- Been there.
- Done that.

Me, too.
Obama.

I was so upset,
I started to doubt myself.

I lost about 100 pounds,
I had tons of cosmetic surgery.

I see why you're angry.
You're mad at your plastic surgeon.

I would sue that butcher
for everything he's got.

Guys, guys, guys.

Can we please refrain from comments
till Mel is done with her story?

And, Mel, try to avoid
pausing between sentences.

Anyway, I lived in this little
town outside Beloit, Wisconsin,

and Beloit had its own
single A baseball team.

I know Beloit.

When I was a ballplayer,
we used to play that team.

There was this place, Nate's.

Nate's Diner.
They had killer apple pie.

Oh, my God.
That's so funny.

I met this guy at Nate's Diner.

And he was a ballplayer,
too, from the visiting team.

He told me I was the prettiest
girl in the greater Beloit area,

but after we made love,
I never heard from him again.

You know, now that
I think about it,

I don't think I ever
played ball in Beloit.

Also, I'm allergic to apples.

So, that's weird.

I was okay with him
not calling.

I still felt special
that he picked me.

But then last year I heard about
this superstition in baseball

where if a player's in a hitting
slump, he tries to break it

by sleeping with the
ugliest girl he can find.

And that naive,
small-town,

big-boned girl is called
a slump-buster.

Slump-buster? Wow.

This sounds like
an urban legend to me.

Like the Loch Ness
Monster or Bigfoot.

Bad analogy.

Mel, have you ever considered
this guy was just hot

for full-figured
ladies?

Were you, Charlie?

Or was I
your slump-buster?

Who didn't see that coming?

Me, up until about 30 seconds ago.
( clears throat )

Okay, I do remember you.

But I was just a dumb
ballplayer back then.

You didn't have to be a slump-buster
for me not to call you the next day.

You just had to be
any woman I had sex with.

I told you, I don't care
that you didn't call.

That night changed my life.

In my town, I was known as the girl
who slept with Charlie Goodson.

And I always thought of myself
as the guy who slept with Mel...

from that town.

It meant everything.

Out of all the girls in the pie-eating
contest that night, you picked me.

I hooked up with
a hot baseball player.

Then my cousin heard about
slump-busters on a sports talk show.

I became the joke of the town.

I couldn't even look
at myself in the mirror.

Yeah, I understand.

I mean, I understand.

I spent everything
I had on plastic surgery

and it still didn't make me
feel better about myself.

But if you tell me I'm not your
slump-buster, I'll believe you.

And I can go back home
and tell everybody,

"Screw you,
I know better."

- Mel.
- Yes?

You were not
my slump-buster.

I don't believe you.

I would never have done
something like that

just to get
my batting average up.

Really? Because when we
were making love,

I heard you say, "I better make
the Hall of Fame for this."

Yes. The Hall of Fame
of sex.

I meant with all
the positions and the stuff.

It was one for the ages.

- You just laid there.
- I was in awe!

I didn't sleep with you
because you were unattractive.

I slept with you
because you were drunk

and easy and you
smelled like pie.

You're just trying to sweet-talk
your way out of this.

If I were, I wouldn't be offering
to have dinner with you.

- Really?
- Yes.

Then, when you go home,
you can be the girl

who had dinner
with Charlie Goodson.

Where will you take me?

I-I-I could take
you anywhere.

But I want this to be special.

I'm gonna make dinner for
you as a guest in my home.

- You'd really do that?
- I'd love to.

I'm a great cook.
Is there anything you can't eat?

No, I'm fine with
pretty much everything.

Well, all I can
make is spaghetti.

Oh, okay. I'll bring my EpiPen.

You may have to jam it
in my thigh.

Until tonight.

It's funny watching
you try to cook.

Look, if you're just gonna stand there
drinking beer and criticizing me,

could you at least
take off your top?

I've seen you handle cutlery.

If I take out the girls,
you'll chop off a finger.

Just do me a favor
and set the table.

Toss me that box of spaghetti.

Besides being a culinary show-off,
why are you doing this?

Because I feel bad.
I want to make amends

for making her think
that she was my slump-buster.

But she was, right?

Well, yeah.
But I could never tell her that.

It would only confirm her
worst feelings about herself.

So what's the plan here?

Well, I'm gonna cook her a
nice dinner, and that way,

when she goes home tomorrow,
she'll know that I didn't use her.

- But you did.
- Of course.

She's the reason
I got to the majors.

And had that bout
of night terrors.

You know what?
I don't even know how to make spaghetti.

Just read the instructions.

There are no instructions
on spaghetti.

It's like doorknobs.

You're just supposed
to know what to do.

I think you're crazy, okay?

This woman has had a fantasy
relationship with you

for the past 16 years.
Now she's tracked you down,

exposed you in front
of your patients.

And you're so busy trying
to be a better guy,

that you are cooking
dinner for a stalker.

She's not a stalker.

She's just a woman with
pathologically low self-esteem,

obsessive fixations, and a tendency
toward grandiose delusions.

Let's put the knives away.

Maybe you should call it off.

And piss off
my stalker? No.

Just got to get through this
dinner as quickly as possible.

Oh, look, I found
the directions.

Put pasta in boiling water.

For best results, prepare
while staring at boobs.

I'm gonna need you
to stand right there.

So after the lipo, the next
surgery I had was the Lap Band.

And the first meal after
that was a real mess.

They tell you just to have Jell-O,
but I had catfish jambalaya.

I never knew how far
vomit could go.

If I hadn't been
in a crowded elevator,

I think I would have broken
some kind of record.

Wow, that's like three awesome
surgery stories in a row.

If you're watching your weight, I
can help you with that spaghetti.

Oh, no. I'm just
making it last.

I've fantasized about
this date for so long...

the food, the candlelight,
the conversation.

Did I tell you they
took off my nipples?

No. They put them
back on, right?

Are you flirting
with me, Mr. Goodson?

No, I just want to make sure
you got what you paid for.

Let me help you
with that spaghetti.

"Lady and the Tramp."
"Lady and the Tramp."

( knocking )

- Hey, hey, hey.
- Hey.

- What are you guys doing here?
- Sam left her backpack.

What, are you on a date?

I don't think it's a date, Mom.

She looks like
a regular person.

What's that supposed to mean?
I go out with regular people, too.

- So this is a date?
- Yes.

- A date date?
- Yes yes.

Wow, Dad. I'm so proud of you.

Well, thank you.
Thank you very much.

Can we meet her?

Well, you know, it's our first time together.
You understand, right, Jen?

No, I'd like to meet her.
Come on, Sam.

Guys, this is Mel.

Mel, this is my ex-wife Jen
and my daughter Sam.

Just so you know, Mel,
you're dating a great guy.

Dating? Did your dad
tell you that?

Yeah.
Right, Dad?

- Yeah, I did.
- Wow.

I'm just so excited.

I know. Me, too.
Let's never lose this.

Hey, Mom, can I invite
them to come over

and make jewelry with us
tomorrow night?

No, no, no, we wouldn't
want to impose.

- Oh, no, I insist.
- Of course you do.

I can't wait to learn
all about what this is.

I love making jewelry.

I made tiaras for all my cats.

This is gonna be so much fun.

I'm so excited, I'm gonna bust.

I just got to go use
the little girls' room.

You know, to fix my face.

Nobody?

Good for you.

Look, before we begin, I want to
talk about what happened yesterday.

You all witnessed
what we in therapy

call a train wreck.

I don't want
this to distract us,

so we're just gonna
keep moving forward.

I have something important about
my life I'd like to discuss.

Thank you.
Lacey.

How am I supposed to work through
my issues with men being dicks

while women are showing up in this group
as a result of your past dickness?

Look, like all of you,
I've made mistakes.

And unfortunately yesterday one of
those mistakes reared its ugly head.

Now when I say ugly head, I'm
using the term as a metaphor

and not a description
for that young lady.

And her ugly head.

So how did you deal with it?

I talked to her

and we're working on
building her self-esteem.

Really? 'Cause it says
on Facebook

that you're dating her.

It's radical
self-esteem therapy.

You guys wouldn't understand.

You're dating your stalker?

See? Other people
make it work.

How could she be my stalker
if I'm dating her?

I mean, come on.
Think about it.

It doesn't make sense,
does it? No, of course not.

Moving on.

Her status update says she's
making jewelry with you tonight

and she's hoping for a ring.

Smile, winky face.

Oh, God.

All right, all right,
look, look.

The lesson here...
and there are many lessons...

but the headline lesson
is whatever you do,

never use
a slump-buster.

I realize this doesn't
apply to everybody,

but for the love of God,

just don't.

So, Mel, you never told
us how you met my dad.

Oh, this is my favorite story.

Oh, let me tell.
You always get to tell.

Okay.
It's really magical.

It's like out of a movie.

We met at a diner
and she was eating a pie.

Would you pass
the red beads, please?

Don't be shy.
It was 16 years ago.

I was in a pie-eating contest
and your daddy was the prize.

Wait, 16 years ago?
That doesn't make sense.

- My parents were still married.
- Yes, we were.

Which is why Mel and I
could only be friends.

But we had a connection

that lasted all these years.

And now...

the universe has
brought her back to me.

As ours is a relationship

that knows no constraints

of time nor space.

- ( Timer dings )
- That was the beads.

They're ready to come
out of the oven.

Mel, can you help me?

You know, Charlie, the whole
time you've been here,

I haven't seen
you hold Mel's hand

or give her a kiss or anything.

Well, you know
how new couples are.

We don't want to gross you out.

She's going to the kitchen.

Can you handle that
much time and space?

I know I can't.

You taste like home.

And you taste like spaghetti.

It's the garlic.
I sweat it.

And you are making me sweat.

Hey, you guys, stay
right where you are.

I want to get a picture
of the two of you

so I can post it on everything.

( Camera clicks )

You better get
into the kitchen.

I think somebody's
beads are burning.

They are now.

- What the hell are you doing?
- What the hell are you doing?

Look, I'm in trouble, okay?

Mel was a slump-buster from Beloit
and now she thinks we're dating.

I mean, it's a long story.

Actually, that's
the entire story.

I knew it.
You're using that woman

to make your daughter think
you're not superficial.

I know. I just need you to
help me through the next hour.

Get her back to the hotel,
put her on a flight tomorrow,

and this whole thing will be over.
She's happy, Sam's happy,

and you and I will
have a fun little secret.

- Like on our honeymoon when you let me...
- That never happened.

( Lisping ) I'm so sorry, Charlie.
I feel so bad.

My tongue swells when I have
an allergic reaction.

I completely forgot
Peanut M&Ms have peanuts.

Shouldn't we get you
to an ER or something?

No, no, I just left
my EpiPen in the kitchen.

Okay, but hurry.

We've got to get
you back to the hotel.

Hey, it looks like Jen already
got that photo uploaded.

Facebook, Tumblr,
Twitter, Flickr,

and the website of the American
Psychological Association.

Hey, Charlie.
I found it.

Can you come stick it in me?

Hey, Charlie.

Wait a minute, you weren't
having an allergic reaction.

You were...

Wow, they do
good work in Wisconsin.

Ooh, I'm a sexy ghost.

Boo.

That's not why I'm doing this.

This can't happen.

Of course it can.

Do you need to take
a pill or something?

No, no.
I'm very sorry.

I just thought we had
a great night once

and that this could be the start of
something bigger and more beautiful.

Oh, wow.

You just made the next thing I'm
about to say very difficult.

We're not really
dating, are we?

No.

I was your slump-buster,
wasn't I?

Yes.

And I am very, very sorry.

Why didn't you just tell me?

I didn't want you to think
that way about yourself,

because that's
not how I think of you.

To me, you'll always be
that pie eating champion

who could raise a naked man
clean over her head.

I don't believe this.

I spent all this time and money
making my body look like this

and you still don't want
to make love to me.

That would have been wrong.

That's the old me.

Now what am I gonna do?
Look at me.

I'm too hot to even
be a slump-buster.

No, you're not.

Okay, I can't win that one.

Look, you are still
the same confident,

amazing person you were

when you thought you were
just a hot one-night stand.

Bet I could still
lift you over my head.

Yes. Yes,
that's the confidence

that's in you
no matter what I did.

That's not just some nipple you
can take off and put back on.

That's forever.

- ( Knock on door )
- Hey. You ready?

Oh, softball time, right.

Yes, I am ready to go.
Sam, you wearing your cup?

Are we gonna do this
every single time?

You can just say
you wanted a boy.

Actually, I wanted a dog.

But the landlord wanted a $100
deposit, so here you are.

Could you give
Sam and I a minute?

- I want to clear up a few things about Mel.
- Oh, it's okay, Dad.

Mom already told me.

- She did?
- Yeah.

How you wanted a deeper,
more meaningful relationship

and Mel just wanted
to sleep with you.

How many times is this
gonna happen to me?

It's okay, Dad.
Now, come on, I'm gonna be late.

That's my boy.

Wow.
That was amazing.

You're welcome.

You know, you make a much better
ex-wife then you ever did a wife.

- I figured you got the message.
- I did.

- Hey, could you do me another favor?
- What?

I need you to take
Sam for the weekend.

- Why? Where are you going?
- Beloit.

I'm gonna walk up and down on every street holding
hands with Mel for all of her friends to see.

After everything you did
that's all she wants from you?

Small town, small victories.

By the way, you can also thank me
for being so cool.

That's the first woman I met that you
slept with while you were on the road.

Hey, I slept with her for us.

That was to break my slumps so
we can make the big leagues.

Really?

What about that girl Diane from
San Diego?

Oh that was for me.

And a little bit for Diane.