Angel (1999–2004): Season 1, Episode 7 - The Bachelor Party - full transcript

SO THAT'S IT, THEN?

THAT'S YOUR EXCITING
PLAN FOR THIS EVENING?

A BOOK?

I GET ENOUGH EXCITEMENT.

YEAH, OF THE
EVIL-FIGHTING VARIETY,

BUT HOW ABOUT A
LITTLE OFF-DUTY FUN?

SUCH AS?

2 BEAUTIFUL WORDS:

SPORTS BAR.

COME ON!

YOU KNOW THEY HAVE TRIVIA
GAMES ON THE INTERNET NOW?



YOU CAN CHALLENGE AGAINST
DRUNKS AROUND THE WORLD.

ANYTHING, PLEASE!

I JUST CAN'T SIT
AROUND HERE WHILE...

WHILE I STEAL INTO THE NIGHT

WITH MY INCREDIBLY-MORE-
WEALTHY-THAN-YOU PRINCE?

MAKES YOUR LITTLE
LIFE LOOK A TAD DRAB,

DOESN'T IT?

YEAH, WELL, JUST
BECAUSE HE HAS MONEY

DOESN'T MEAN HE
CAN MAKE YOU HAPPY.

I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW THAT PIERCE
HAS A LOT MORE THAN MONEY.

HE HAS A HOME IN MONTECITO,

A MERCEDES CLK 320,

AND A PLACE IN THE HILLS

WITH A LAP POOL.



SINCE YOU PUT IT THAT WAY.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

OK. WELL, IF I'M NOT
HERE IN THE MORNING,

YOU CAN JUST CLEAR OUT MY DESK.

I'LL BE MOVING ON UP.

WOW.

YOU LOOK AMAZING.

DO I?

GREAT, UM... LET'S GO.

Angel: WHAT'S YOUR HURRY?

YOU DIDN'T EVEN INTRODUCE US.

[LAUGHS] ANGEL.
DOYLE. PIERCE. BYE.

YOU WORK, PIERCE?

I TRADE.

UH, FUTURES AND OPTIONS MARKETS.

GOOD. GOOD. OUT FOR DINNER?

LE PÉTIT RENARD.

OH, RIGHT. NICE SPOT.

DUCK IS DRY.

SO HOW LATE WILL YOU BE?

DON'T WAIT UP.

DON'T MIND THEM.

SHE'S NOT GONNA
FALL FOR MY AMPLE

BUT UNPRETENTIOUS
CHARMS, IS SHE?

UNLESS UNPRETENTIOUS MEANS

YOU DON'T LIKE TO BRAG
ABOUT YOUR FAMILY'S OLD MONEY.

HEY, THE ONLY MONEY IN MY FAMILY

IS UNDERNEATH THE
COUCH CUSHIONS.

NOT TO MENTION THE FACT

THAT HALF OF THEM ARE DEMONS.

I'M SURE IF CORDY
FOUND OUT ABOUT THAT,

MY CHANCES WOULD
BE WORSE THAN ZERO.

[SIGHS]

WOW!

[WHISTLES]

SHE'S SOMETHING.

THIS AN OLD SQUEEZE OF YOURS?

YEAH.

WELL, HOW DOES
SHE FEEL ABOUT MEN

WITH AN IRISH ACCENT?

BUFFY.

YEAH.

I'M...

I'M SORRY, MAN. I WAS...

[GASPS]

THERE'S A YOUNG GUY.

WHERE?

VAMPIRES HAVE A NEST DOWNTOWN.

POOR KID'S GONNA BE THE ENTREE.

LET'S GO. COME ON.

EVERYBODY'S GOT
DINNER PLANS BUT US.

Pierce: SEE, YOU HAVE TO
STUDY WEATHER TRENDS

IN ORDER TO MAKE A GOOD
PLAY IN AGRICULTURE MARKETS.

AND ONCE YOU DO, YOU'LL
NEVER LOOK AT A SOYBEAN

THE SAME WAY AGAIN.

GOD. LISTEN TO ME.

I'M NOT BORING YOU, AM I?

I DON'T MIND.

LIKE TODAY, THERE WAS
SOME HEAVY TRADING:

LEAN HOG OPTIONS.

THE SPREAD DROPPED
ABOUT 1700 POINTS.

I MEAN, IN NOVEMBER,
IT WAS AT 6 CENTS.

YOU KNOW WHAT I DID?

I SOLD AT 6 1/8 OF A CENT.

6 1/8.

CAN YOU IMAGINE

ANYTHING MORE
EXCITING THAN THAT?

COME ON.

MAN, I HATE THAT.

[SNEEZES]

I WAS ABOUT TO DO THAT.

I'D BETTER GET THIS GUY HOME.

YOU'RE STRONGER WHEN
YOU'RE A DEMON, RIGHT?

WHY'D YOU SHAKE IT OFF?

I JUST DON'T LIKE
TO FIGHT LIKE THAT.

THIS ISN'T A SPELLING BEE.

NOBODY EXPECTS YOU TO PLAY FAIR.

IT'S NOT MY STYLE. THAT'S ALL.

YOU WANT ME TO GO WITH YOU?

I CAN HANDLE IT. JUST HEAD BACK.

SORRY YOU'RE NOT FEELING WELL.

I WAS HOPING WE COULD

MAKE A NIGHT OF IT.

ME, TOO.

I REALLY WANTED TO HEAR
THE END OF THE STORY

ABOUT THE PIGS AND BEANS.

DON'T YOU WANT ME
TO TAKE YOU HOME?

MY CAR'S HERE.

OH, WAIT.

LET ME WALK YOU.

I'M, UH...

NOT REALLY SURE ABOUT
THIS NEIGHBORHOOD.

YOU'RE RIGHT.

IT'S CRAPPY.

[BOTH SCREAM]

HELP!

AAH!

HELP!

Doyle: HEY!

I'M THE ONE YOU FOLLOWED HERE.

IT'S ME YOU WANT.

STAY CLOSE.

YOU'LL GET YOUR TURN.

[GRUNTS]

AAH!

UH-OH.

[GRUNTS]

COME ON. COME HERE.

COME HERE.

[GROWLS]

AAH!

OW.

ARE YOU OK?

I'M FINE.

THAT WAS...

YOU WERE SO...

BRAVE.

YOU THINK YOU
COULD SAY THAT AGAIN

WITHOUT SO MUCH
SHOCK IN YOUR VOICE?

YOU'RE STEPPIN' ON MY
MOMENT OF MANLINESS HERE.

I'M SORRY.

I'M JUST, UM...

SURPRISED?

GRATEFUL.

SO HERE I AM AT LE PÉTIT RENARD

WITH MR. ARMANI,
WHO COULD KEEP ME

IN BLUE BOXES FOR
THE REST OF MY LIFE.

BLUE BOXES?

TIFFANY'S.

GOD!

AND THE WHOLE NIGHT,
I WAS BORED SILLY.

ALL I COULD THINK ABOUT

WAS IF THIS WIMP SAW A MONSTER,

HE'D PROBABLY THROW A SHOE AT IT

AND RUN LIKE A WEASEL.

TURNS OUT THE SHOE PART

WAS GIVING HIM TOO MUCH CREDIT.

THERE AREN'T VERY MANY
PEOPLE WHO WOULDN'T RUN.

IT'S JUST HUMAN NATURE.

YEAH.

BUT ALL OF A SUDDEN,

RICH AND HANDSOME
ISN'T ENOUGH FOR ME.

NOW I EXPECT A GUY TO BE ALL

BRAVE AND INTERESTING.

AND IT'S YOUR
FAULT! BOTH OF YOU.

WELL, MAYBE NOT.
MAYBE YOU'RE CHANGING.

THAT COULD BE A GOOD THING.

OR DISASTROUS.

AS IF I WASN'T CONFUSED ENOUGH,

THEN DOYLE COMES
ALONG AND RESCUES ME

LIKE SOME BADLY
DRESSED SUPERHERO.

HE WAS REALLY BEAT UP...

BUT YOU KNOW THE
FIRST THING HE ASKED?

"ARE YOU OK?"

I MEAN, THAT'S LIKE...

SUBSTANCE. RIGHT?

HMM, WELL, THERE'S...

DEFINITELY MORE TO
DOYLE THAN MEETS THE EYE.

SO I'VE GOTTA KILL MYSELF.

I SWORE WHEN I WENT DOWN
THIS ROAD WITH XANDER HARRIS,

I'D RATHER BE DEAD

THAN DATE A FIXER-UPPER AGAIN.

[SIGHS] STILL,
MAYBE YOU'RE RIGHT.

MAYBE DOYLE DOES
HAVE HIDDEN DEPTHS.

I MEAN, REALLY, REALLY HIDDEN,

BUT DEPTHS.

AND I KIND OF HAVE TO
BUY HIM A MOCHACCINO

FOR SAVING MY LIFE.
DON'T YOU THINK?

ME, TOO.

WE'LL BE BACK IN A HALF.

YOU WATCH THE PHONES, OK?

I'M THE ONE YOU FOLLOWED.

IT'S ME YOU WANT, HUH?

FANGS FOR THE
MEMORIES, VAMP MAN.

HEY, I WAS JUST...

YOU KNOW, THAT WASN'T...

AN INCREDIBLE SPAZ ATTACK?

GOOD.

UH, SO YOU WERE...

WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU?

WELL, UM...

I WAS THINKING...

THAT, UH, MAYBE
I HAVEN'T BEEN...

ENTIRELY FAIR TO YOU.

MAYBE YOU DON'T ACTUALLY HAVE

ZERO POTENTIAL.

WOW, CORDELIA. THANKS.

THAT'S NOT...

[SIGHS]

WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY IS...

THAT I REALLY APPRECIATE

WHAT YOU DID LAST NIGHT.

AND, UM...

I WAS THINKING...

MAYBE WE COULD...

IF YOU'RE LOOKING FOR ANGEL
INVESTIGATIONS, THIS IS IT,

BUT WE'RE KIND OF IN
THE MIDDLE OF SOMETHING.

CAN YOU JUST GIVE US 5 MINUTES?

HEY, FRANCIS.

HARRY.

FRANCIS?

UM, WH-WHERE YOU BEEN?

AROUND.

UM... KIRIBATI, TOGO...

UZBEKISTAN.

A FEW SPOTS THAT WERE, UH...

A LITTLE LESS TOURISTY.

WHO'S FRANCIS?

THAT WOULD BE ME.

ALLEN FRANCIS DOYLE.

CORDELIA...

THIS IS HARRY.

MY WIFE.

SORRY ABOUT THE SURPRISE.

I WOULD HAVE CALLED FIRST,

BUT I WAS AFRAID...

I'D RUN OFF?

IT'S NOT MY STYLE, REMEMBER?

BUT IT'S MINE?

IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE SAYING?

DO YOU WANT ME TO REMIND YOU

WHO FIRED THE STARTER PISTOL?

NO. LET'S NOT, OK?

LET'S JUST HUG

YOU LOOK GOOD.

YEP, YOU, TOO.

YOU STILL LIVING IT UP?
DRINKING'S NO GOOD FOR YOU.

WELL, YOU KNOW ME.

I'M A FUN-LOVING GUY.

Angel: WHAT'S GOING ON?

ANGEL, COME MEET DOYLE'S WIFE.

NICE TO MEET YOU.

HI.

COOL OFFICES.

YEAH, I'M A PRIVATE
INVESTIGATOR NOW.

THIS IS MY COMPANY.

THESE 2 ARE, UH, MY HELPERS.

UGH, THAT'LL...

OUCH.

[CLEARS THROAT]

[SIGHS]

YOU TWO WERE REALLY MARRIED?

WERE AND STILL,

ACCORDING TO THE PAPERWORK.

SO IT WAS A GREEN-CARD THING.

NOPE.

IT WAS "A MADLY IN LOVE,

COULDN'T LIVE WITHOUT
EACH OTHER" KIND OF THING.

BUT I GUESS TIMES CHANGE,
'CAUSE HERE WE ARE 4 YEARS LATER

LIVING JUST FINE.

SO SHALL WE GET ON TO
WHY YOU'RE HERE EXACTLY?

MAYBE WE COULD TALK ALONE.

[DOOR OPENS] YEAH.

OH!

I THOUGHT YOU WERE
GONNA STAY IN THE CAR.

I KNOW, BUT...

I ADMIT, CURIOSITY
GOT THE BETTER OF ME.

HEY. RICHARD STRALEY.

I'VE HEARD SO MUCH ABOUT YOU.

SAY, YOU LEFT OUT
THE PART ABOUT HIM

BEING SUCH A HANDSOME FELLOW.

NO. Y-Y-YOU ARE. REALLY.

I'M NOT DOYLE.

HE IS.

OH, THAT'S MORE LIKE IT.

UH, NOT THAT YOU'RE NOT

A VERY GOOD-LOOKING MAN.

RICHARD, JUST SHAKE HIS HAND.

UH, FORGIVE ME.

I'M NOT QUITE MYSELF,

WHAT WITH THE WEDDING
ONLY A FEW DAYS OFF NOW.

THERE'S A WEDDING?

I WASN'T SUPPOSED
TO SAY THAT YET. WAS I?

NO, PLEASE.

GO ON.

CORDELIA, LET'S... LET'S

GO THROUGH THOSE REPORTS.

WHAT? WHAT REPORTS?

WHAT?

HON BUN? I JUST...

I THINK I SHOULD
HANDLE THIS FROM HERE.

I'M SORRY.

I JUST... I JUST WANT
US ALL TO BE FRIENDS.

AND WE WILL BE,

BUT I NEED A MOMENT
ALONE WITH FRANCIS.

SURE, YOU GOT IT.

HON BUN?

I DIDN'T WANT YOU
TO HEAR IT THAT WAY.

YOU'RE... YOU'RE
MARRYING THAT GUY?

I KNOW IT'S WILD, HUH?

I'M DEFINITELY THE
YIN TO HIS YANG,

BUT IT WORKS.

HE'S GOT A GOOD HEART, FRANCIS,

JUST LIKE YOU.

YEAH, MAYBE, BUT
THE CONTAINER...

CAN I GET A SIDE OF
BLAND WITH THAT BLAND?

I DIDN'T COME HERE
FOR YOUR APPROVAL.

THEN WHY? TO SEE MY
FACE WHEN I FOUND OUT?

TO SEE IF IT CUT?

OF COURSE NOT.

I WOULD NEVER...

I JUST...

I NEED YOU TO SIGN THESE.

DIVORCE PAPERS.

IT HAD TO HAPPEN.

ONE OF US...

YEAH, WELL, MAYBE I SHOULD

GET MY PEOPLE TO LOOK OVER THESE

BEFORE I GO AHEAD.

JUST TO MAKE SURE

I'M NOT BUYING AN OSTRICH FARM.

SURE.

TELL "YOUR PEOPLE"

THAT I'LL COME BACK
FOR THEM IN A FEW DAYS.

IT'S GOOD TO SEE
YOU AGAIN, FRANCIS.

IT'S DOYLE NOW.

IT'S JUST DOYLE.

Angel: NO?

HARRY'S RIGHT.

THIS STUFF DOES ME NO GOOD.

SO, YOU TWO HADN'T
BEEN IN TOUCH AT ALL

SINCE YOU SPLIT UP?

OH, THE END WAS ROUGH.

WE WEREN'T EVEN 20
WHEN WE GOT MARRIED.

CRAZY ABOUT EACH OTHER.

WHEN THINGS GO WRONG
AND YOU'RE YOUNG LIKE THAT,

YOU DON'T JUST SAY,

"HEY, THANKS FOR THE
BLENDER. I WISH YOU WELL."

YOU FIGHT.

[LAUGHS]

YOU TEAR EACH OTHER APART

UNTIL ONE OF YOU CAN'T TAKE IT.

SHE DID THE WALKING,

BUT SHE HAD REASON.

I WASN'T EXACTLY
THE MAN SHE MARRIED.

I CHANGED.

YOU SHOULDN'T BLAME
YOURSELF FOR THAT.

YOU WERE KIDS.
IT'S ONLY NATURAL.

WHAT? TO SNEEZE AND
SPROUT DEMON FACE?

THAT'S DECIDEDLY
UNNATURAL, MY FRIEND.

YOU DIDN'T TELL HER
BEFORE YOU GOT MARRIED?

I DIDN'T KNOW.

I NEVER MET MY DAD.

HE WAS THE DEMON.

AND MY MOM, WELL, SHE
FIGURED SHE'D WAIT TO SEE

IF I GOT HIS GENES BEFORE
SHE GOT ALL CONFESSIONAL.

SO YOUR DEMON
SELF DIDN'T PRESENT...

UNTIL I WAS 21...

AND, UH, HARRY AND I WERE...

TALKING ABOUT HAVING
KIDS OF OUR OWN.

HA. PUT A DAMPER
ON THE DISCUSSION.

YOU CAN IMAGINE.

THAT'S TOUGH.

I'M SORRY.

PROBABLY BEST IN THE LONG RUN.

[SIGHS]

I'M TOO MUCH OF A WILD MAN

TO BE THE STAY-AT-HOME
TYPE, ANYWAY...

YOU KNOW?

HEY, THIS RICHARD...

HE LOOKS LIKE HE COULD
GIVE HER A GOOD LIFE.

YEAH.

SEEMS LIKE A NICE...

FRIENDLY FELLA.

DON'T YOU THINK?

DEFINITELY FRIENDLY.

ONLY, UH... HE SEEMED A BIT...

EXACTLY! SEE, I KNEW
HE WAS NO GOOD.

AND EVEN THOUGH WE'RE EX,

I MEAN, IT'S STILL MY DUTY
TO WATCH OVER HER, RIGHT?

BUT I CAN'T GO TRAILING
AFTER HER INTENDED MYSELF.

IT JUST WOULDN'T LOOK RIGHT.

ANGEL, YOU THINK YOU WOULD...

YEAH.

JUST DON'T TELL CORDELIA.

SHE'LL WANNA CHARGE YOU.

[ENGINE STARTS]

YOU CAN'T WAIT TO SEE
WHAT I JUST BOUGHT.

WHAT IS IT?

FOR THE HONEYMOON?

HMM.

HOW SMALL DO YOU THINK A
NIGHTIE WOULD HAVE TO BE

TO FIT INTO ONE OF
THESE TINY BOXES?

UH-HUH, YES.

[LAUGHS]

UH, DON'T MOVE.

BE RIGHT BACK.

[WHISTLING]

Harry: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

RIGHT THERE, PUMPKIN.

OH! [GRUNTS]

ANGEL! STOP!

HE'S A DEMON!

WELL, YEAH.

YOU... YOU KNOW?

HONEY.

BUT HE WAS COMING
AT YOU. HE HAD A KNIFE.

THAT WAS FOR THE BOX STRINGS.

WHAT ABOUT THE PACKAGE, HUH,

FROM THE MAN WITH THE CIGAR?

YOU FOLLOWED HIM?

[GROANS]

THAT WAS FOR THE RESTAURANT.

WE SERVE A LOT OF DELICACIES:

FROGS LEGS, QUAIL
TONGUES AND SUCH.

WHICH ISN'T ILLEGAL, PER SE...

YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU DON'T
HAVE TO EXPLAIN, RICHARD.

OH.

DOYLE PUT YOU UP TO THIS, RIGHT?

MAN. YEARS GO BY,
NOTHING CHANGES.

DOYLE DECIDES WHAT I NEED...

NOW, NOW... IT'S
UNDERSTANDABLE, HONEY.

HE CAN'T HELP BUT WANNA MAKE
SURE YOU'LL BE IN GOOD HANDS.

I CAN ASSURE YOU...

TELL DOYLE THAT I
AM IN THE BEST HANDS.

RICHARD AND HIS FAMILY
OWN THIS RESTAURANT.

THEY'RE ANO-MOVIC DEMONS.

A PEACEFUL CLAN.

TOTALLY ASSIMILATED
INTO OUR CULTURE.

HARRY'S AN ETHNODEMONOLOGIST,

AND A DAMN FINE ONE, TOO.

WE MET WHILE SHE WAS
SCOUTING CLANS IN NORTH AMERICA.

YOU STUDY DEMONS?

THAT'S YOUR PROFESSION?

DO YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THAT?

NO. I... I JUST...

DOYLE SAID...

THAT WHEN HE WENT THROUGH
HIS CHANGE, I FREAKED,

WHICH IS TRUE.

BUT AFTER, I ADJUSTED

AND I REALIZED HERE'S
THIS WHOLE RICH,

INTERESTING WORLD JUST
WAITING TO BE EXPLORED.

BUT YOU DIDN'T TELL HIM THAT.

OF COURSE I DID.

I EVEN TRIED TO
GET HIM TO GO OUT,

MEET OTHER DEMONS.

AT LEAST GO TO ONE
MIXER, YOU KNOW?

BUT HE COULDN'T ACCEPT HIMSELF.

OR THEM.

SO THEN HE WAS JUST ANGRY

AND PRETTY MUCH
A BITCH TO LIVE WITH.

Doyle: HE'S A DEMON?

AND SHE'S ALL SIGNED
ON TO BE MRS. DEMON?

TELL ME AGAIN HOW UGLY HE IS.

HERE IT IS.

"ANO-MOVIC.

"ONCE A NOMADIC TRIBE.

AT ONE POINT, THEY DID
HAVE VIOLENT LEANINGS."

THERE.

I KNEW THAT NICE-GUY
ROUTINE WAS JUST AN ACT.

HE'S WORKING A SPELL ON HER.

SHE'S GONNA SPROUT

HUBCAPS FROM HER
HEAD OR SOMETHING.

"BUT GAVE UP THOSE ORTHODOX
TEACHINGS, LANGUAGE...

AROUND THE TURN OF THE CENTURY."

NOW THEY OWN A
NUMBER OF RESTAURANTS

WITH PRETTY EXPENSIVE WINDOWS.

I FULLY INTEND TO
CHIP IN ON THAT.

YOU KNOW, ALL THAT
TIME HARRY WAS GOING ON

ABOUT WHAT AN AMAZING
THING MY DEMON HALF COULD BE,

THE WORLDS IT OPENED UP TO US,

I THOUGHT SHE WAS JUST

TRYING TO MAKE ME FEEL BETTER.

I THOUGHT SHE WAS PITYING ME...

BUT IT WAS TRUE.

I JUST WASN'T LISTENING.

YOU KNOW, HARRY DIDN'T LEAVE

BECAUSE OF THE DEMON IN ME.

SHE LEFT BECAUSE OF ME.

THANK YOU, DOYLE.

YES, THANK YOU.

YOU DON'T KNOW
WHAT THIS MEANS TO ME.

OR I GUESS YOU DO,
SEEING AS YOU WERE...

MARRIED ONCE.

TO HARRY, NO LESS.

DO YOU HAVE A COPIER I COULD...

YEAH. THERE'S ONE
IN ANGEL'S OFFICE.

CORDELIA WILL HELP YOU.

HARRY'S AN AMAZING
GIRL, ISN'T SHE?

SAY, DOYLE, UH...

I'M GLAD WE HAVE
SOME MAN-TO-MAN TIME.

THIS IS PERFECT.

RICHARD WANTED A
MOMENT ALONE WITH DOYLE

TO ASK HIM TO HIS
BACHELOR PARTY.

BACHELOR PARTY?

WHY? IS HE AFRAID HE
ORDERED TOO MUCH BEER?

RICHARD AND HIS FAMILY
WANT DOYLE'S BLESSING

BEFORE HE MARRIES ME.

THEY'RE SWEET DEMONS.

THEY'RE VERY INTO
GOOD VIBES ALL AROUND.

THEY DO SOUND NICE.

YOU KNOW, HIS MOM TOLD ME

TO INVITE FRIENDS TO MY SHOWER,

BUT I'VE PRETTY MUCH

ONLY BEEN HANGING WITH HER.

YOU'RE THE FIRST
GIRL I'VE MET IN TOWN

UNDER 370 YEARS OLD.

DO YOU THINK
MAYBE YOU'D WANNA...

I'D LOVE TO.

IT WOULD MEAN A LOT TO
ME, BUT MORE THAN THAT,

I THINK IT WOULD MEAN THE WORLD
TO HARRY IF YOU CAME TO MY PARTY.

Richard: DO WE REALLY HAVE
TO HAVE THE BUFFALO WINGS?

I CAN GET THE
GUYS IN THE KITCHEN

AND HAVE THEM
WHIP UP A FOIE GRAS.

IT'S A BACHELOR PARTY, RICH.

YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO
EAT BAD AND DRINK BEER.

IT'S TRADITION.

DON'T FORGET THE GIRL
WHO DOES THE STRIPTEASE.

WHAT?

LIKE I DON'T KNOW?

JUST MAKE SURE ALL
SHE DOES IS TEASE.

OH, MOM. I DON'T EVEN WANT...

SORRY, RICH.

IT'S YOUR BACHELOR PARTY,
AND WE'RE GONNA HAVE FUN,

WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT.

I JUST HOPE THAT
SORT OF HIGH JINKS

DOESN'T CREATE A BAD
IMPRESSION WITH DOYLE.

WHO'S DOYLE?

HARRY'S FIRST HUSBAND.

RICHARD INVITED HIM.

HE'S REALLY VERY SWEET.

I THINK YOU'LL ALL ENJOY HIM.

ALL RIGHT. FINE, FINE.

DANCING GIRL. I SUBMIT.

NOW WHERE WERE WE?

LET'S SEE, UH...

FIRST, WE GREET
THE MAN OF THE HOUR.

THEN WE DRINK.

BRING OUT THE
FOOD, THEN, UH, DRINK.

YAY! YAY!

THEN COMES THE STRIPPER.

DARTS,

AND THEN WE HAVE
THE RITUAL EATING

OF THE FIRST HUSBAND'S BRAINS.

AND THEN CHARADES.

WAIT. WHAT WAS THAT?

CHARADES?

YEAH, I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THAT.

MMM. EH... ALL RIGHT.

[DANCE MUSIC]

HEY.

HEY, FRANCIS.

DOYLE.

OH, SORRY. SORRY.

EVERYBODY,

THIS IS DOYLE.

AND HE BROUGHT SOMEONE.

ANGEL?

HEY, THIS IS A SURPRISE.

YEAH. I THOUGHT I'D
USE THE DOOR THIS TIME.

I ASKED HIM TO COME.
I HOPE THAT'S OK.

WELL... SURE IT IS.

NOW THE PARTY CAN
REALLY START, HUH?

EVERYBODY, THIS
NIGHT IS FOR DOYLE

AS MUCH AS IT IS FOR ME.

MORE EVEN.

HE'S THE REAL BACHELOR HERE.

YEAH, AND THANKS FOR NOT
RUBBING THAT IN, BY THE WAY.

LET'S SET YOU UP
WITH A BEVERAGE.

INDATA BOHUDA MENAKA TANT.

HLORWOIP CANANO.

HLORWOIP?

DUH.

TO HARRY.

HARRY.

WHAT WAS SHE LIKE, DOYLE?

"LIKE"?

BACK IN THE OLD DAYS.

THE YEARS YOU HAD WITH HER,

THE ONES I MISSED.

TELL ME EVERYTHING.

Harry: IT WAS A NIGHTMARE.

OK, WELL, MAYBE NOT AT FIRST.

INITIALLY, I REALLY LIKED
THE WAY HE TOOK CHARGE.

DOYLE? TOOK CHARGE?

IT WAS SWEET.

BUT AFTER A WHILE, I MEAN,

I KNOW HOW TO CUT
MY OWN MEAT, THANKS.

SOMETIMES IT FELT LIKE I
WAS ONE OF HIS STUDENTS.

THAT'S FUNNY.

FOR A MOMENT, I THOUGHT YOU
SAID "ONE OF DOYLE'S STUDENTS."

IT WASN'T FUN BEING TREATED

LIKE A THIRD-GRADER, BELIEVE ME.

GRADE THIRD TAUGHT...

DOYLE TAUGHT THIRD GRADE.

THE KIND WITH CHILDREN?

WELL, YEAH.

ARE YOU SURE HE
WASN'T JUST HELD BACK

AND USED THAT AS A COVER STORY?

FRANCIS GOT HIS
TEACHING CREDENTIALS

BEFORE WE EVEN
MET AT THE FOOD BANK.

OK. SOUP KITCHEN.

NOW THAT SOUNDS LIKE THE DOYLE
I'VE COME TO KNOW AND REVILE.

YOU'RE ABOUT TO TELL
ME HE RAN IT, AREN'T YOU?

HE WAS JUST A VOLUNTEER.

THAT'S WHERE HE GOT THE IDEA

FOR THE WHOLE "WE
ARE THE WORLD" THING.

I'M KIDDING ABOUT THAT PART.

Aunt Martha: COME ON, GIRLS.

IT'S PORNOGRAPHIC
PICTIONARY TIME.

THEIR WAYS ARE NOT OUR WAYS.

[LOUD ROCK]

WHERE IS SHE?

DRINK UP. HEY! HERE'S TO DOYLE!

[BOOS AND CHEERS]

I HAVE A LITTLE
CONFESSION TO MAKE.

EVER SINCE I LEARNED THAT
HARRY WAS MARRIED BEFORE,

I'VE FELT LIKE I'VE BEEN
LIVING IN YOUR SHADOW.

REALLY?

YOU WERE SOMETHING I
CAN NEVER BE FOR HER...

HER FIRST.

SHE'LL ALWAYS LOVE YOU, FRANCIS.

ALWAYS.

SHE'S HERE, GUYS!
[HOOTING IN BACKGROUND]

BUT SHE NEEDS
DIFFERENT THINGS NOW.

I KNOW I CAN MAKE HER HAPPY,

BUT I NEED YOU
TO BE A PART OF IT.

ME?

I HAVE TO HAVE YOUR
BLESSING, DOYLE.

WITHOUT IT, THERE
WON'T BE ANY MARRIAGE.

IT'S TIME, DUDE.

OH, FELLAS.

[CHEERING]

OH, MY GOD.

[HOOTING AND LAUGHTER]

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

ARE YOU OK?

YEAH.

[MOANING]

OH!

Uncle John: INO
PLATBRATA IKO IKO

RETVAN EL SHAC.

INO PLATBRATA IKO IKO

RETVAN EL SHAC.

[CELL PHONE RINGS]

[RING]

HELLO?

IT'S ANGEL. WHERE ARE YOU?

IN THE NETHER WORLD
KNOWN AS THE 818 AREA CODE.

WHY?

LET ME SPEAK TO HARRY.

HANG ON.

IT'S FOR YOU. IT'S ANGEL.

HELLO?

HOW'S YOUR ARATUSCAN?

RUSTY,

CONSIDERING IT'S A
DEAD DEMONIC LANGUAGE.

GUESS AGAIN. I
NEED A TRANSLATION.

INO PLATBRATA IKO
IKO RETVAN EL SHAC.

WHAT'S GOING ON, ANGEL?

I DON'T KNOW YET. WILL YOU
JUST LOOK INTO IT FOR ME?

I GUESS, UM, I COULD
CHECK THE FAMILY LIBRARY.

THANKS.

OH, HEY, EXCUSE ME.

WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM?

NO PROBLEM.

ARE YOU DISRESPECTING ME?

NO.

SO NOW I'M A LIAR?

THIS IS HOW I GO FOR IT.

I'M IN THE PROCESS
OF GOING FOR IT.

MAN CAN'T HOLD HIS LIQUOR.

SEE YA LATER.

THANKS A LOT, FELLAS.

[LAUGHTER]

I HOPE HARRY DOESN'T
HEAR ABOUT THAT.

NOT FROM ME, SHE WON'T.

YEAH, I KNOW.

YOU'RE A GOOD HALF-MAN.

SO, HAVE YOU GIVEN ANY THOUGHT

TO WHAT WE DISCUSSED?

YEAH, AND I GOTTA TELL YOU,

I'VE HAD A LOT TO
REGRET IN MY LIFE,

BUT NOTHING MORE THAN THE WAY
THINGS WENT WITH HARRY AND ME.

I SHOULD'VE MADE
HER HAPPY, AND I DIDN'T.

AND NOW, WELL, WE BOTH
HAVE A SECOND CHANCE...

HER TO BE HAPPY AND ME...

NOT TO STAND IN THE WAY.

I GUESS WHAT I'M
TRYING TO SAY TO YOU

IS THAT I GIVE YOU
MY BLESSING, RICHARD.

GOD BLESS YOU.

AS LONG AS WE
SKIP THE HUG THING.

HEY. HEY, EVERYONE. GREAT NEWS.

DOYLE GIVES HIS BLESSING.

HE CONSENTS.

All: DOYLE! DOYLE!

A TOAST...

TO DOYLE.

All: TO DOYLE!

All: DOYLE!

NO HUGS NOW.

WE HAVE AN UNDERSTANDING.

WE HAVE SOMETHING FOR YOU.

WHAT?

GUYS, THIS IS GREAT, REALLY,

BUT, YOU KNOW, I CAN'T
REACH THE PRETZELS.

DOYLE, I JUST WANT TO SAY
HOW INCREDIBLY MOVED I AM

BY YOUR SACRIFICE.

I HOPE THAT DOESN'T MAKE
ME LESS OF A MAN IN YOUR EYES.

SACRIFICE?

HUH?

OK. THIS CAN'T BE GOOD.

OUCH!

HEY...

MY HEAD'S GOING NUMB.

WELL, I SHOULD HOPE SO.

WE WOULDN'T WANT YOU TO SUFFER

WHEN WE CUT INTO YOUR SKULL.

Harry: THAT CAN'T BE RIGHT.

WHAT?

SOMETHING ABOUT
INGESTING PAST LOVE?

WOULDN'T DOYLE
BE YOUR PAST LOVE?

EXCUSE ME. LADIES?

WHAT IS IT, HONEY?

IT'S ABOUT THE BACHELOR PARTY.

RICHARD SAID HAVING THE
FORMER HUSBAND PRESENT

WAS SOME SORT OF TRADITION.

I WAS JUST WONDERING...

WELL, THEY'RE CERTAINLY NOT GOING
TO EAT YOUR EX-HUSBAND'S BRAINS...

FOR INSTANCE.

Doyle: OH, GOD. WHERE'S ANGEL?

ANGEL!

APPARENTLY, HE STARTED A FIGHT.

HE HAD TO BE EJECTED.

CAN I GET YOU ANYTHING?

HOW ARE YOU GOING TO
EXPLAIN THIS TO HARRY, HUH?

HARRY WILL UNDERSTAND.

SHE LOVES AND
ACCEPTS OUR CULTURE

LIKE SHE LOVED AND
ACCEPTED YOURS.

NICK?

WHAT'S THIS?

YOU SAID GET A UTENSIL.

THIS IS A SHRIMP FORK.

HE'S GONNA EAT THE GUY'S
BRAINS WITH A SHRIMP FORK?

WELL, PARDON ME IF
OUR ANCIENT ANCESTORS

DIDN'T LEAVE BEHIND ANY
FORMER-HUSBAND-BRAIN-EATING FORKS.

GET A SOUP SPOON, YOU MORON.

Richard: BEAR WITH US.

WE'RE A LITTLE FUZZY
ON THE ETIQUETTE.

THIS RITUAL HASN'T BEEN
PERFORMED IN CENTURIES.

IT'S BEEN SO LONG SINCE ANYONE
IN THE CLAN'S MARRIED A DIVORCEE.

HUH?

THE ACCURSED BOOKS
TELL US ALL VERY PLAINLY

THAT INGESTING A PRIORLY MARRIED

PROSPECTIVE BRIDE'S FORMER
PRIMARY MATE'S FRESH BRAINS

WILL ENSURE A HAPPY
SECOND MARRIAGE.

THIS WAY, RICHIE CAN INCORPORATE

ALL THE LOVE THAT
YOU AND HARRY SHARED,

MAKING THEIR UNION WHOLE.

IT'S AN ANO-MOVIC
THING. DON'T ASK.

LOOK, RICHARD, AS MUCH
AS I LIKE YOUR FAMILY...

AND THEY'RE GREAT, HONEST...

I'D REALLY PREFER IF THEY
DIDN'T CANNIBALIZE ME.

OH, NO. YOU MISUNDERSTAND.

I DO?

YEAH. IT'LL JUST BE ME.

WHY DON'T I JUST
GIVE YOU THAT HUG,

AND WE CAN CALL IT EVEN.

YOU'RE... YOU'RE NOT
TRYING TO BACK OUT, ARE YOU?

NOT AFTER YOU
GAVE YOUR BLESSING.

YEAH, YEAH, I TAKE IT BACK.

OH.

WELL.

I SEE.

NOW I'M NOT SO SURE I EVEN
WANT TO EAT YOUR BRAINS.

DON'T BE PETULANT, RICHARD.

YOU'LL EAT HIS BRAINS.

HE CAN'T TAKE BACK A BLESSING.

NOW APOLOGIZE TO YOUR FRIEND.

HE'S RIGHT. THAT WAS RUDE.

I'D BE HONORED TO
EAT YOUR BRAINS.

WELL, I GUESS WE'RE READY.

RICHARD, WOULD YOU CARE
TO MAKE THE FIRST CUT?

PARTY'S OVER.

YOU BROUGHT A VAMPIRE TO
MY BROTHER'S BACHELOR PARTY?

HARRY SAYS I SHOULD
MIX WITH OTHER DEMONS.

I'LL MIX.

STOP IT!

STOP IT RIGHT THIS INSTANT!

HON BUN?

OH. UH, THIS IS FOR GUYS ONLY.

I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE UP TO,
RICHARD HOWARD STRALEY.

THE STRIPPER
WASN'T MY IDEA, POOK.

I SWEAR.

NOT THE STRIPPER, RICHARD.
THERE WAS A STRIPPER?

YOU REALLY SHOULDN'T BE HERE.

WELL, YOU SHOULDN'T BE
TRYING TO EAT MY FRIEND'S BRAINS.

EASY! CORDELIA.

AH!

IT'S OK.

IT IS SO NOT OK.

DOYLE. OH, LOOK
WHAT THEY DID TO YOU.

I AM ONLY GOING TO ASK
YOU THIS ONCE, RICHARD,

AND I EXPECT A STRAIGHT ANSWER.

WERE YOU OR WERE YOU NOT

INTENDING TO EAT MY
EX-HUSBAND'S BRAINS?

[SHEEPISHLY] IN A WAY.

AND WHEN WERE YOU
PLANNING ON TELLING ME?

I THOUGHT MAYBE I
WOULDN'T HAVE TO.

YOU WERE GOING TO START OUR
LIFE OUT TOGETHER WITH DECEIT?

SORT OF MISSING
THE POINT, ISN'T SHE?

I WAS JUST TRYING TO
BLESS OUR MARRIAGE,

LIKE IN THE ANCIENT TEACHINGS.

AND SINCE WHEN DOES YOUR FAMILY
FOLLOW THE ANCIENT TEACHINGS?

WE DON'T FLAUNT OUR BELIEFS,
BUT THEY'RE VERY DEAR TO US.

OH, PLEASE, UNCLE JOHN.

WHEN'S THE LAST TIME YOU
PRIED YOURSELF AWAY FROM ESPN

LONG ENOUGH TO SPILL
THE BLOOD OF A SHE-GOAT?

ARE YOU GONNA LET HER
TALK TO UNCLE JOHN LIKE THAT?

RICHARD, YOU KNOW HOW I FEEL

ABOUT THESE BARBARIC
ANO-MOVICIAN CUSTOMS.

RACIST. YOU'RE
NOTHING BUT A RACIST.

I SHOULD'VE TOLD YOU.

I'M SORRY.

BUT UNLESS WE
COMPLETE THE RITUAL,

MY FAMILY WILL NEVER
CONSENT TO THE MARRIAGE.

HON BUN?

ONE WORD, FRANCIS, JUST ONE,

AND I'LL EAT YOUR BRAINS.

YOU DON'T NEED HER, ANYWAY.

YEAH. WHO WANTS A WIFE WHOSE
KNEES ONLY BEND THE ONE WAY?

SO, HE SPOKE TO HER.

YEAH.

DIDN'T GO TOO WELL, HUH?

I THINK SHE JUST
NEEDS SOME TIME.

HE'S STILL REALLY HUNG
UP ON HER, ISN'T HE?

HMM. MORE THAN HE
KNEW PROBABLY, YEAH.

WELL, SOMEONE
HAS TO GO OUT THERE

AND CHEER HIM UP.

OH, PLEASE.

SOMEONE WITH A HEARTBEAT.

Cordelia: HI, DOYLE.

ARE YOU GONNA BECOME
LOSER-PINING GUY, LIKE, FULL-TIME NOW?

'CAUSE, YOU KNOW,

WE ALREADY HAVE ONE OF
THOSE AROUND THE OFFICE.

HEY. HEY.

HE CAN GET AWAY
WITH IT. HE'S TALL AND...

AND LOOK AT THE WAY
CLOTHES HANG ON HIM.

BUT YOU...

OK. I THINK YOU'VE
CHEERED US UP ENOUGH.

YOU CAN'T LIVE IN THE PAST.

YOU'VE GOTTA MOVE ON. LET IT GO.

FORGET IT. TOMORROW'S
ANOTHER DAY.

DID I MENTION LETTING IT GO?

TWICE.

[SIGHS]

YOU'LL GET THROUGH THIS, DOYLE.

NICE GUYS DON'T
ALWAYS FINISH LAST.

YOU THINK I'M A NICE GUY?

I THINK IT, I SAY IT.

THAT'S MY WAY.

THANKS.

FEELING BETTER?

YEAH.

YEAH?

[GASPS]

NOT MY FAULT.

HE'S HAVING A VISION.

AT THIS HOUR?

OHH!

WHAT?

WHAT'D YOU SEE?

GRR! ARRGH!