And Just Like That... (2021–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - Hello It's Me - full transcript

(upbeat music playing)

(indistinct chatter)

- Jeremy, party of five!
- That's us!

Ooh, oh.
Ah! Excuse me.

Whew.
(chuckles)

Remember when we
had to legally

stand six feet apart
from one another?

Yeah,
I miss it.

- Excuse us.
- Oh, excuse us.

Sorry.

Carrie?



Is that
Bitsy von Muffling?

- Carrie. Excuse me.
- Yep, that's Bitsy.

I can't believe it.
I cannot believe it.

Oh, it's been forever.

Do we hug
or bump elbows?

Sign language,
smoke signals.

Where are we these days?

And, and where's
the fourth musketeer?

Where's Samantha?

Oh, um, she's
no longer with us.

No, no, no, no.
She didn't die.

Charlotte:
Oh no! No, no.
I'm so sorry, no.

I just meant
she's not with us.

- She's in London.
- Oh, thank god.



After the horror show
we've been through,

I just assume
anyone I haven't seen

in a while
has passed on,

or... gave up
and moved to Palm Beach.

- No, she moved
to the U.K. for work.
- Smart.

Sexy sirens in their 60s
are still viable over there.

- Well, enjoy.
- Friend: Bitsy, are you coming?

Group:
Bye!

Remember when we
couldn't air kiss
hello or goodbye?

Yes, I miss it.

Carrie, party of three!

- Yay! Yes, that's us. Yay.
- Nice! Here we go.

♪ ♪

I stepped on a used condom
in Brady's room this morning.

- Eww--
- Wait!

I was barefoot at the time.
Okay now.

- Eww.
- Ooh, does anyone wanna
split the croque madame?

I will.
Did you hear
what I said?

Mm- hm.
Are we getting
fries with that?

I stepped on my son's
semen before coffee.

We are definitely
getting fries with that.

- Hmm.
- This is totally
on Steve and me.

We started letting
Luisa spend the night
because we like her,

and now Brady's bedroom
floor is a minefield.

Well, it's good
he's using protection.

Now that is seeing
the condom as half full.

When do you start school?

What?
I changed the subject.
Life's too short.

I'm starting with
spring semester next week.

- Wow.
- Oh, really? Next week?

Are you gonna,
you know--

Go crazy?
Too late, already happened.

No, color your hair.

Now where is that darn
waitperson with the check?

- We haven't even ordered yet.
- Oh, I know, but I want out now.

I just think
the gray ages you.

No, you think
the gray ages you

because if we're friends,
and I am this age,

you can't be whatever age
you're pretending to be.

I am not pretending
to be any age.

- I am 55.
- What? You want a medal?

Yes. Yes, I do.
Can I get a medal?

Yes, you can,
and when I turn
55 in 10 years,

I would like
a medal as well.

- Thank you.
- And... why are you
just going after me?

Carrie dyes
her hair, too.

Yeah, but hers is obvious.
You're trying to pass.

Yeah, but obvious
in a good way, right?

'Cause this kind of "obvious,"
it don't come cheap.

You look great gray,
but I miss the red.

And I just thought
it might be fun,

you know, for
the start of school.

Yeah, for all your
playdates and things.

Charlotte, I'm getting
a Master's in Human Rights

to pair with my law degree,

so, hopefully,
I can become an advocate
for women who need one.

I don't have to be
a spicy redhead to do that.

I mean, we can't
just stay who we were.

- Right?
- Absolutely.

And there are more
important issues

in the world than
trying to look young.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg
dyed her hair.

Mic drop.

Wow, I've gotta get him.

Do you see his hat?
Looks like a light fixture.

- For my Instagram.
- (camera clicks)

How's all that goin'?

Uh, you know,
when I first
started doing it,

it was really just for me,
you know, just for fun,

posting strangers who
have interesting style,

but now... that
I'm on that podcast,

it's kind of
growing into a thing.

Wow. Instagram, podcast.

I guess you're passing
as younger, too.

Still haven't listened
to it, have you?

Carrie,
I love you to death,

but I draw the line
at podcasts.

I just ran into LTW
in the ladies' room.

Great! I don't know
what that means.

Lisa Todd Wexley.

Everyone at school
calls her LTW.

Now, is LTW a person,

- or a sorority you
hope to pledge.
- I know, I know.

I sound so silly,
but she's just so cool.

She is a documentarian,
and a humanitarian.

And her husband, Herbert,
is an investment banker
who might run for mayor.

And she's on
the International "Vogue"
Best- Dressed List.

Wow, I think I need a nap.

We are on the parent
school board together,

so, this year, we've
been getting to know
each other better

'cause she signed
her son, Henry, up

to study with the same
piano teacher that
Lily studies with.

- Oh, which reminds me--
- To breathe?

You haven't RSVP'd yet
for Lily's piano recital.

Oh, I know.
I'm sorry, sweetie.
I can't go.

Big and I are driving
out east on Wednesday.

Can't you drive out Friday?

'Cause Lily has
been practicing

for this night
every day for a year.

Sweetie, I know,
but Big already
took time off.

But you could
go to the Hamptons
with Big any time.

And this concert
is at the Manhattan
School of Music.

It's a very big deal.

The Manhattan School
of Music, Carrie.

The Manhattan
School of Music.

I'm sorry, where is
the concert again?

All right, I'll talk
to him. I will.

- Oh, hi!
- I don't wanna interrupt.

- Oh, you're not interrupting!
- Hi.

These are my
very best friends,
Miranda and Carrie.

- Hi.
- Hi, I'm Lisa.

Charlotte has told me
so much about you both.

Well, we just got
the crash course
on you, too.

- Oh no.
- (all laughing)

- That's a great bracelet.
- It's interesting, right?

It's this 20- year- old out
of Jackson, Mississippi,
I came across online.

- She's amazing.
- Oh, that's great.

Oh my god.
Who ordered
the French fries?

I'd have to know you
a lot longer before
I confessed that.

- Can I have one?
- Sure, they're cold.

- But they're still
greasy, right?
- (group laughing)

- So bad, they're good.
- Ooh, yikes, I'm gonna be late.

I have to go
do a podcast.

- They're like jury duty now.
- Yeah, I should go, too.

Um, it was
really, really
nice to meet you.

- Any friend of French fries
is a friend of mine.
- Hope to see you again.

- Yeah, same here.
- (all saying "goodbye")

- Sit!
- What did you get at Oscar?

- Show me.
- Oh, it's for the girls.

- Ta- da!
- (gasps) It's gorg.

I just wanted them to have
something so special

for Lily's big night.

Henry is gonna
bomb this recital.

- Oh, no, he won't.
- It's my fault.

I started him too late.

I have to force
him to practice.

I literally have
to pry his fingers

off the PlayStation,
and put them on the keyboard.

Well, you know what?
He's a beginner.

- People will understand.
- People might, but my
mother- in- law won't.

She's a world- renowned
concert pianist,

and an even more
accomplished
pain in my ass.

Oh, my friends are waiting.
I'll call you later.

- Bye.
- Bye! I'll talk to you soon.

Lisa:
Yes! Bye.

Miranda:
Don't stress if you
can't make the recital.

Her piano teacher
rents that venue.

It's the Park Avenue
equivalent of

"every kid
gets a trophy."

Still, I should go.

Charlotte's
an amazingly
supportive friend.

- She listens to the podcast.
- (Miranda chuckles)

You know,
it is kinda like
she's dead...

Samantha.

We never even
talk about her.

Well, what is
there to say?

I told her that
because of, you know,

what the book
business is now,

it just didn't make
sense for me to...

keep her on
as a publicist.
She said, "Fine,"

- and then fired me as a friend.
- She didn't fire you.

Okay, she stopped
returning my calls.

You know Samantha.

- Her pride got damaged.
- Which was why I kept

leaving her voicemails,
asking her to please
call me back,

so we could talk
about this and fix it.

Look, I understand
that she was upset,

but I thought
I was more to her
than an ATM.

You are.

- She was embarrassed.
- So embarrassed she took a job
and moved to London?

Wait, have you
spoken to her?

No, neither
has Charlotte.

I mean,
we texted and called,
but we never heard back.

- Do you think, maybe, if you--
- I did. Multiple texts.

- And nothing.
- Okay.

Well, then I guess
that's all we can,
you know, do.

- So weird.
- I know.

I always thought
the four of us would
be friends forever.

- Anyway, up I go.
- Okay.

- Okay, thanks for walking me.
- Sure.

Hey, Carrie...
My hair?

Fabulous.

♪ ♪

Hi, everyone.

That's it? That's all
the greeting I get
after I rescued you?

Are you talking to me or Burton?
'Cause you rescued me, too.

Lily, that is
a terrible thing to say.

I know.
That's why I said it.

Well, never say it again,

and, for the record,
you rescued me.

Mwah!

- Please love me.
- Mom, don't be so needy.

I am not being needy.
He's withholding.

- Do you wanna see your dress?
- Mm- hm.

Do you wanna see
the dress, Richard Burton?

Do you wanna
see the dress, hm?

Da- da- da- da!

- So pretty!
- I love it.

And what's in
the other bag?

A dress for Rose,
of course.

(scoffs)

- We are here!
- Hit it, kiddo. Hit it hard.

Ooh, nicely done.

Okay, go for it, Dad.

Harry, you better
not have your hands
on those walls again!

I don't!

Much...

Just once or twice.

- I'm gettin' really good, babe.
- You are ridiculous.

- But it keeps you guessin'.
- Yes.

Rose, honey, let me show
you the dress I got you
for Lily's concert.

I am gettin' there.

Uh- huh, yeah, yeah.

- Isn't it pretty?
- Ooh.

Okay... define pretty.

- Uh, Dad?
- Harry: What?

Bike helmet not
a good look on
a 58- year- old Jew?

(laughs)

(light music playing)

- Oh, honey, I'm home!
- Hey, kid.

Let the wine begin.

♪ ♪

Mmm.

Is that supposed
to make me forget that
you're a half- hour late?

- Did it?
- Oh yeah.

Then my work
here is done.

How was your day?

Perfect.
The Dow and the Mets both up.

Carrie:
Very nice.

Hey... that shady fish guy

tried to slip me some
low- rent salmon again.

I said, "At these prices?"
Oh, no, sir.

No, no, no, no, no.

That is not
the Copper River
sockeye salmon.

(chuckles)

- What?
- I'm just wondering who
this person is I'm looking at

because I remember
when you kept

your sweaters
in the stove.

I remember when
your hair was black.

Oh, that's really
uncalled for.

- Totally uncalled for.
- You wanna go there, huh?

'Cause I can go there.

Well why don't you
stop going there,

and go there, and put on
the album du jour.

Okay, Mr. Big.

What letter we up to?

"R," last night
was Ronstadt.

That's right.
Yep, Ronstadt.
Here we are.

So, tonight is
Todd Rundgren.

- Oh, that's my favorite
fucking album.
- Fucking album.

You know, you've
said that about

pretty much every
album since we started

this little dinner
ritual waaay back

on day three
of the lockdown.

- What's your point?
- My point is...

- You got a lot of favorites.
- John: Yes, I do.

("Hello It's Me" by
Todd Rundgren playing)

But this guy--

This guy
and this song...
this song.

(sings along)
♪ Hello it's me ♪

♪ I've thought about us
for a long, long time ♪

♪ Maybe I think too much
but something's wrong ♪

♪ There's something here
doesn't last too long ♪

♪ Maybe I shouldn't
think of you as mine ♪

Oh, I'm yours,
and I'm hungry.

Okay, what do I do to help?

- Salt the fish, please.
- (chuckles) 'Kay.

♪ Seeing you ♪

Hey, can we wait to drive out

- to the Hamptons 'til Friday?
- ♪ Or seeing anything ♪

Charlotte really
wants me to go to

Lily's recital
on Thursday.

Thank you.
Do you wanna
come with me?

Didn't think so.

Well, what are you
gonna do that night?

Oh, don't worry about me.

I'll be spending the night
at home... with Allegra.

Oh, her again?

Yes, jealous?

That's enough salt.

Yeah, I'm jealous.

I'm jealous of your
Peloton instructor.

Well, you should be.

You know she's
from Barcelona?

- She motivates me.
- (Carrie chuckles)

And she's giving me
a special shout- out

on my thousandth ride.

Aw, you love
shout- outs.

♪ Think of me ♪

♪ You know that I'd be
with you if I could ♪

- ♪ I'll come around ♪
- ♪ 'Round to see you
once in a while ♪

♪ Or if you ever need
a reason to smile ♪

♪ And spend the night
if you think I should ♪

Pepper.

(deep bass music playing)

♪ ♪

Oh.

♪ ♪

Hi.

Could I get a glass
of Chablis, please?

Oh, we don't
open 'til 11.

- It's 11:00 somewhere.
- Sorry, ma'am.

Okay, I'll wait.

(music continues)

(indistinct chatter)

- Hey, that's where
the professor sits.
- Oh, sorry.

Thanks.

Thank you.

(door shuts)

Oh, hey, hey, hey.

That's where
the professor sits.

Uh, sorry,
he just told me.

- Someone's quick
with the pronouns.
- Uh, it's fine.

I am the professor.

- Wa-- Y- You're the professor?
- Yeah.

- You're Nya Wallace?
- (chuckles) Yes.

Why do you seem
so surprised?

Well, your braids.

A law professor can't
have hair like mine?

- Why is that?
- Oh, no, no, no.
I didn't, I didn't mean

because of the braids.
I was, I was--

I, I was just thrown
because the braids

are, are so different than
the hair in your photo

on the Columbia website.

My comment had
nothing whatsoever

to do with it being
a Black hairstyle.

I, I knew that
you were Black

when I signed up
for this class.

Uh, that was
important to me.

You signed up for this class
because I'm Black?

Well, not just
because you're Black.

I picked this class
because...

you're such a force
in academia

on top of everything you do
as a community activist.

God, I sound like
such a brown- nose.

I mean, um...

please just forget

that I ever said
anything about your hair.

Hair has...
nothing whatsoever

to do with, uh,
appropriateness,

or intelligence,
or gravitas, obviously.

I mean, do I look like
someone who attaches

any significance to hair?

I, I let mine go gray,
and I don't care if it
makes me look old.

Not that I'm ageist.
Do I sound ageist?

You really want me
to answer that question?

I am so sorry for
taking everyone's time.

This is not
at all who I am.

I will just be quiet now.

Okay, uh...

- Hi, hi, hello, everyone.
- (all greet professor)

Welcome to
Policies and Principles
of Humanitarian Law.

I am Professor
Nya Wallace,

and before we
delve into this

complicated
and important work,

I just want to clear up

that on the Columbia
University website,

- I am rockin' a short
Halle Berry, right?
- (all chuckling)

This is "X, Y, and Me,"
the podcast that talks about

gender roles, sexual roles,
and... cinnamon rolls.

- (laughing)
- All the roles I care
passionately about.

Representing
the cisgender
women is...

Carrie Bradshaw.

- Hey, hey.
- Hey, Ms. Cis.

And representing
the cishet men is...

the dude himself,
Jackie Nee.

What up, sista- brotha?
(laughs)

That's right because
I'm both and neither.

I am Che Diaz, your host.

And queer, nonbinary,
Mexican, Irish diva

representing everyone
else outside these
two boring genders.

Soundboard:
Woke moment!

- (laughing)
- And yes, I know
that no one person

can represent all the genders,

and sexual orientations,

or an entire race,
and I, I fully acknowledge

that we are complicated,
diverse beings

here on this wondrous planet

all just striving to be
our very best self.

- Many of us just
tryin' to get laid.
- (all laughing)

Or at least that's what
we talk about on my show,

so let's figure
some shit out.

- Who's got what?
- I'll go.

- Carrie: Oh, okay.
- Hi, Carrie.

- Hello.
- I have a question

for you about women.

What is it, Jackie?

Why don't you see women
jerkin' it on the subway?

I'm hoping that's
a multiple choice question.

Yeah, good one, Jackie.
I was worried you were gonna
ask something sophomoric,

like, "What can I,
as a straight cis male,

"personally do to eradicate
the harmful patriarchal system

of the gender binary,
and compulsory heterosexuality?"

No, but for serious, I see
dudes masturbating everywhere.

I saw a guy jerkin' off
on the J train today.

I guess that's what
the "J" stands for.

And the "A" train
stands for anal.

- Oh, that must be
why I don't ride it.
- (Jackie laughs)

Soundboard:
Woke moment!

Sexual expression
of any kind should

always be discussed
and consented to

by all parties
involved.

Unless it's just you
and your sex toys.

Then, go ahead!

- (Jackie laughs)
- Surprise yourself.

Che:
All right, let's, uh,
move off the prototypes,

and into the personal.
Jackie--

- Yeah.
- Have you ever masturbated
out in pub--

Nah, you know what?
Let's just speed this along.

Is there any public place
where you haven't masturbated?

- Uh... nah.
- (all laughing)

I like to masturbate
at Yankee Stadium.

Well, my version
of masturbation.

I, uh, I wear a Yankees cap,

and I just, uh, I sit
there sippin' a beer,

and...

I really get off
on watching

the bros try
to figure out
what I am.

And it's not just the dudes.
It's also the ladies.

- I'm an equal
opportunity confuser.
- (Jackie chuckles)

- What about you, Carrie?
- Oh, me? What? What? What?

Oh. What about,
What about me?
Oh, oh, oh--

Oh, are you ask--
You're asking me about,
about masturbation?

Yes, I'm, I'm asking
you about masturbation.

Particularly you.
Do you masturbate?

Uh, I would like
to buy a vowel, please.

(giggling)

Sorry, I don't--
I don't know
what that means.

Um, okay, yes, sorry.

Let's see. Ooh, yes.
I'm here, okay.

Yes, go. I'm here. Yes.

Um... have you
ever masturbated
in a public place?

Uh, well, uh, not
since Barneys closed.

- Che: Hmm.
- Uh, what's Barneys?

Okay, now that's offensive.

(street noise)

What are we thinkin'
time frame- wise about
our next IVF round?

I don't know, Andre.

Uh, my body still feels off
from that last round,

and why're we talkin' about this
as I'm gettin' on mass transit?

Uh, Samuel was just kinda

pushing me about
whether I'm going out
on the tour or not.

- Now you're pushing me?
- Andre: Am I?

Um, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to.
My bad. I just--

Andre:
I didn't wanna
keep him hangin'.

They've been
so good to me.

No, I get that, um...

Uh... I guess what
I'm saying is, um...

I'm feeling--

(whimsical music playing)

Can't talk right now.

Andre:
No, no. Uh, go ahead, Ny.

- You're feelin' what?
- I can't talk right now,
Andre Rashad.

I have a student
lookin' right at me.
(chuckles)

Shit, she's comin' over here.

Okay, I gotta go.
Uh, I'll be home soon.

I'll set dinner.
Nothin' but love.

Okay, bye.

I just wanted
to introduce myself

in a non- manic,
non- crazy lady way.

- Oh. (chuckles)
- I'm Miranda Hobbes,

and that, I don't even
know what to call it,

- performance I gave
about your hair--
- It's fine.

- We don't have to do that again.
- Miranda: Oh, I hear ya.

I, I just wanted you
to know that I am,

actually, a serious person,

and that being in your class
means a lot to me.

- I, I quit--
- (loud guitar riff playing)

I, uh--

(talking louder)
I left corporate law,

recently, after
almost 30 years

because I couldn't be part
of the problem anymore.

I was at home
watching CNN

when the Muslim ban
was initiated,

and I saw all
those attorneys

out at the airport
offering assistance,

and I just--
The next thing I knew,

I was in a cab
goin' to JFK

to do something,
anything because,
you know...

my wearing a pink pussy hat
just wasn't cutting it.

- I'm sorry, I didn't
catch a lot of that.
- Probably just as well.

(indistinct announcement
over P.A.)

Hey, Carrie.
You got a minute?

Oh, sure...
That was a funny
show today.

- I like the gloves.
- Oh, thanks.

Yeah, they're really
mostly for elevator
buttons and handrails.

It's just a little
something I started
during the pandemic.

- Seems to be hangin' in there.
- (Che chuckles)

So, about today's show,

you need to dialogue
with us more.

(elevator dings)

Oh, um, no, go ahead.
I'll, I'll ride down with you.

Okay.

Oh, just a few quick puffs.
I'm so wired after a show.

- You want a hit?
- No, I'm, I'm good, thank you.

Yeah, so...

you can't just
sit there giggling.
You know what I mean?

(chuckles)
Well, um,

I'm really stronger
when people call in

with relationship
questions.

You know, today turned
kind of raunchy.

Well, that's where
it goes sometimes,

and you need to go
with it, or the trolls
will label you

"the uptight cisgender
female married lady."

- And that's not who you are.
- It's not?

I know you got more.

C'mon, I mean, you had
a column about sexuality

in a mainstream newspaper
in the fuckin' 1990s.

You're the OG.
You... are badass.

Well, you know, that
was writing at a desk.

I'm not a stand- up
like you two.

I'm, I'm not comfortable
with the more graphic content,

you know, it's just--
It's not me.

Hmm, you might wanna
step out of that box.

Surprise yourself.
Just a suggestion.

Well, in, in my defense,
I did do that anal joke

- about not riding the A train.
- That was good!

- See? Don't hold yourself back.
- (softly) Okay.

You were--
You were so funny
at your job interview.

Yeah, but that was like
our first date, you know?

I gave you all
my good stuff.

Look, I really want
this to work out
for all of us,

so I say this
with love...

ya better step
your pussy up.

- Oh, okay.
- Okay, so what're you gonna do?

I'm gonna...
step my pussy up?

- Hmm, was that a question?
- No.

- Oh.
- I'm gonna step
my pussy up.

Yes!
(laughs)

(quirky music playing)

♪ ♪

Do you masturbate?

I feel like that's
a trick question.

- Do you?
- Uh, Senator, I'm gonna
wait for my counsel

before I respond to that.

Is this for your new book?

For the podcast.

I have to step my pussy up.

Well, I don't know what
we're talkin' about,

but I like the sound of it.

Well...

do you?

- Do you?
- Yes.

Well, next time
give me a heads up.

I'd like to attend
that event.

You have my LinkedIn
address, right?

(clears throat)

Masturbate for me.

I wanna see you.

- Okay, what are you doing?
- I'm surprising myself.

Well, you're surprising
the hell outta me, too.

Are you gonna join me?

Mm- mm, I just wanna watch.

With or without my glasses?

Ahem...

What're you doing?

Getting some lube.
I'm not 30.

(chuckles)

I thought you
were reaching
for your emergency

nitroglycerin pill.

(sighs) You want me
to masturbate or not?

(breathing deeply)

- Come here.
- Mm- mm.

Just do what you usually do.
Pretend I'm not here.

(exhaling)

(groans)

- Oh, Carrie!
- (chuckles)

Oh my, Carrie!

I must have you!

- That's some "Bridgerton"
shit there.
- (Carrie chuckles)

- Look at you.
- (Carrie chuckles)

(classical music playing)

(sighs happily)

Hello, lovers.

Oh... the weekly cigar,

and Allegra
on the same night?

I'm all in, baby.

Do you notice
anything special?

Nope.
(chuckles)

I see the wedding shoes.
How could I not?

Those blue shoes are
the whole ball game.

Carrie:
Hey, I was thinking,
if I get home early enough,

maybe we can drive
out east tonight.

Would you be
up for that?

Depends how spent
I am after Allegra.

All right, well...

just text me
and let me know

and I won't go out
for a drink after.

Okay...
I'll see you later.

Hm?

What?

I'm just looking at you.

All right, tell that whore
Allegra I said bye.

(laughs)

(door closes)

Please put this dress on.
I want us all in florals.

I wanna wear
what I wanna wear.

What is the problem?
It isn't even poofy.

Rose, we're
gonna be late!

- And it's Lily's big night.
- Leave me out of this.

What's the holdup?
What's happenin'?

What's happening
is that Rose won't
wear her dress.

I picked something
else to wear!

Can't she just wear
what she wants to wear?

No, Harry, no.

I bought this
Oscar de la Renta

- special for tonight.
- Okay, okay.

- How about if I wear it?
- (Rose chuckles)

Rose, baby...

can you just
wear the dress?

Charlotte: Please?

Please. For me?

(indistinct chatter)

- Hey, you. I like your outfit.
- It's really cute, right?

Hi, hi, hi!
Sorry we're
a little late!

What the hell is
with that getup?

She looks like
a little Edie Beale.

Anthony, not now.

Not in front of
the Manhattan School
of Music, okay?

Hey, I have
everybody's tickets!

(all greeting)

Steve- o,
long time, no see.

- What's new?
- Hey, I got hearing aids.

- I'm an old timer now.
- No, you're not.

You only have
60% hearing loss
in one ear,

and 40%
in the other.

- Yeah, 'cause I'm old.
- Ugh!

- Honey, I think we should get
Lily backstage, don't you?
- Yes, I agree.

Lily!
Here, tickets.

- Brady, here are your tickets.
- Thanks, Mom.

- Good luck!
Are you nervous?
- Not really.

- I've played this piece
like a billion times.
- Oh my god, I wanna be you.

- Go!
- I'll see you all inside!

- Have a good show!
- Oh, Anthony, I gave
Stanford's ticket to Carrie.

- Okay.
- I got it.

- So, where's your better half?
- He's late.

- He couldn't decide
what to wear.
- Of course.

Well, there he is!
Hey, good lookin'!

- Whatcha got cookin'?
- You left?!

- You just left?!
- Oh, we're not
in the same place.

I told you
I wasn't waiting.

What kind
of person
just leaves?

- Steve, would you ever
just leave Miranda?
- Oh, boy.

What?
What he say?

You were picking
out a suit for
an hour and a half.

Periwinkle or tan?
Periwinkle or tan?

It didn't
friggin' matter!

I'm goin' in.
Carrie has your ticket.

- I do.
- Did I kiss you hello yet?

Mm- mm.
What was all that?

- Us on a good night.
- Oh, Lord.

Everyone was looking at me
like I was the white lady

who couldn't stop
saying the word "Black."

It's a miracle nobody
pulled out their phone,

or I would be
a meme now.

What do you
think was goin'
on with you?

I think I was
just so worried

about saying the wrong
thing in this climate

that I said all
the wrong things.

I'm sure you didn't say
all the wrong things.

You're right.
I'll probably blurt out
some new ones tomorrow.

God, is this even moving?
I really have to go.

Well, there's no line
for the men's room,
as usual.

Fuck it. I'm 55,
and I have to pee.

Announcer:
Ladies and gentlemen,
the show is about to begin.

Please find your
way to your seats.

It's funny, you
couldn't stop talking,

and my boss told me if
I wanna keep my podcast job,

which I do, I'm gonna
have to start talking,

and a lot more
graphically about sex.

Miranda:
That's not who you are.

Well, we can't stay
who we were, right?

Oh, yeah, no, you're
in the right place.

Sorry, I'm just standing
guard for my friend.

She'll be done
any second now.

- (toilet flushes)
- See?

- Just--
- Hey.

- Hello, again.
- Oh yeah.

Oh, excuse me, ma'am.

- Hey, where's Stanny?
- He's in the balcony.

He'll meet ya
in the lobby to go
for a drink after.

Hope you like your Cosmos
with a side of drama.

Charlotte gave
his seat to Rose.

- Well, what's he doing
in the balcony?
- Actin' out.

Accused me of scrollin'
hot boys at a friggin'
kids' piano recital.

- Well, what're you doin'?
- Scrollin' hot boys...

for my sourdough
business.

Hotfellas Bread
is not gonna find

its own hot fellas
to deliver the bread.

So true.

- Well, what about him?
- Unavail.

- Carrie: Well, he's hot.
- Unavail.

Not hot, not hot, not hot.

- Well, he looks like
he could kill you.
- Hot.

Who wants wine?
Carrie?

Oh, sure.
I love some
good purse wine.

- Audience Member: Hi, Charlotte.
- Hi, how are you?

(gasps)
Miranda.

What?
I had a rough
first day of school,

and I'm lookin' at two
hours of tween Mozart.

Let it go.

- Charlotte... Hi!
- Hi!

I wanted you to meet
my mother- in- law,
Eunice Wexley.

- Oh, it is so nice to meet you.
- Hello.

- Uh, Lisa, where am I seated?
- I have you seated here

with Herbert Jr.
and Gabrielle in this row

right in front of
Herbert and myself.

This far back?

Yes... God.

(gasps)
Miranda brought wine.

She had a rough
first day of school.

My hero.
May I have some?

Here, give that
to Black Charlotte.

- You sure you good?
- I got this.

All right,
you got this.

(applause)

(bench scraping)

(scraping continues)

All right, uh,
he don't got this.

(softly) No.

(playing "Minuet in G Major"
by Bach)

(plays wrong notes)

(plays wrong notes)

(wine pouring)

I think my soul
just left my body.

- Pass.
- Lisa: Don't you
want to know what it is?

Is it alcoholic
in nature?

Then pass.

Thank you.

(playing wrong notes)

Welcome to Peloton.
I'm Allegra Planche,

and thank you for joining me

for this 45- minute power ride.

- Let's go!
- Yes!

(playing skillfully)

- Tell your son to stop.
- What?

They're making out.

It's your turn.
I can't always
be the bad guy.

- Mom, we will not
be sex- shamed.
- (applause)

Tell Luisa
I got the message.

(applause)

(playing "Piano Sonata
No. 14 in C Sharp Minor"
by Beethoven)

In three, two, one,
pick it up!

(piano continues)

Ah, sí, señor!

(Allegra speaking Spanish)

Allegra:
Now, we sprint.
Three, two, one, go!

Whew!

Celebrate yourself!

(piano continues)

We have
a three- minute climb.

Three, two, one, arriba!

Now we sprint!
Three, two, one, go!

(panting)

Shit!

(piano continues)

♪ ♪

("Sonata" ends)

(cheers)
Yeah, Lily!

Woo!

Woo!

Thanks, thanks.

I need to stay
at your old apartment
again tonight.

I'm not going
home to that

selfish, self- involved,
sourdough Mussolini.

I can't get a drink.

Big and I are gonna drive
out to the beach tonight.

Oh, fuck me.

I'm sorry. Here.
Here's the key.

Oh, go.
I had one made
after our last fight.

- Nighty- night.
- Good night.

Good night.

- (horn beeps)
- Oh, oh.

Hmm.

- (water running)
- I'm here.

(light music playing)

John?

(screams)
John!

Oh god!

Oh god, John! Oh!

John! Honey!

John! Honey?

Oh!

Honey! (muttering)

John! John.

John.

(softly)
John.

John.

(somber music playing)

Oh god!
(cries)

John. John.

John.

John.

John.

And just like that...

Big died.

("You Got the Love" playing)

♪ I know I can count on you ♪

♪ Sometimes I feel like sayin',
Lord, I just don't care ♪

♪ But you've got the love
I need to see me through ♪

♪ When food is gone,
you are my daily meal ♪

♪ Mm- hmm ♪

♪ When friends are gone,
I know my Savior's
love is real ♪

♪ Your love is real ♪

♪ You've got the love,
you've got the love ♪

♪ You've got the love ♪

♪ You've got the love,
you've got the love ♪

♪ You've got the love ♪

♪ Sometimes I feel like ♪

♪ Throwin' my hands
up in the air ♪

♪ I know I can count on you ♪

♪ Sometimes I feel like sayin',
Lord, I just don't care ♪

♪ But you've got the love
I need to see me through ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Time after time I say,
oh, Lord, what's the use ♪

♪ Time after time
I say, this just won't do ♪

♪ But sooner or later in life ♪

♪ The things you love,
you lose ♪

♪ Just like before
you know I call on you ♪

♪ Occasionally
my thoughts are brave
and friends are few ♪

♪ Occasionally I cry out,
Lord, what must I do? ♪

♪ Occasionally I call out,
Master, make me new ♪

♪ You've got the love
I need to see me through ♪

♪ Sometimes I feel
like throwing my hands
up in the air ♪

♪ I know I can
count on you ♪

♪ You've got the love,
you've got the love ♪

♪ You've got the love ♪

♪ You've got the love ♪

♪ You've got the love ♪

♪ You've got the love, ooh ♪