America's Funniest Home Videos (1989–…): Season 33, Episode 1 - Episode #33.1 - full transcript
Ribeiro:
Ready, set, go -- nowhere!
"AFV" is on!
♪♪
That didn't work.
No, I felt it.
[ Electricity crackles ]
[ Shouts ]
Man: Ohhh!
♪♪
Oh, my God!
♪♪
Woman: Whoo!
♪♪
[ Bleats ]
[ Screams and laughs ]
♪♪
Welcome to...
And now here he is,
the host of our show --
Alfonso Ribeiro!
Let's do it, y'all!
[ Cheers and applause ]
Thank you, guys.
Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you.
Hello and welcome
to an all-new season of "AFV."
It's so great to see smiling
faces in the studio again.
I missed you.
[ Cheers and applause ]
And you, and you, and you,
and you, and you, and you,
and you!
But having the audience back
is not the only huge change
we've made this season.
The weekly prize money
has been doubled!
[ Cheers and applause ]
Yes.
The winner of each episode
will now walk away with $20,000,
and the second and third place
prize money has also doubled.
So now you've got 20,000 reasons
to go through your home videos
and see if you have something
"AFV"-worthy.
Man: Nice.
Like this.
[ British accent ]
Aw, I'm gonna my --
look, my trousers
are getting dirty.
Ribeiro: Blimey!
He's all grimy.
Look at the state
of my feet.
I've got to try
and get over there.
[ Birds squawk ]
♪♪
Man: Okay. Now, we're gonna be
working with the bands.
When you're working
with the bands,
be sure
and keep your body aligned.
Keep your feet evenly apart.
Ribeiro:
They say, "No pain, no gain,"
which means she's about to have
some big gains.
Man: One and two...
Oh, my God!
Aah!
♪♪
Ribeiro: The only thing he likes
more than people food
is a little privacy.
♪♪
Woman:
Please close the door.
Ribeiro: He's not just smarter
than the average bear,
he's also more polite.
♪♪
How I spent
my summer vacation...
Woman: [ Laughs ]
Woman: Tell me
all the planets you drew.
Go ahead.
This is the Sun,
Mercury, Venus,
Earth, Mars,
Ceres, Milky Way galaxy,
Jupiter, Saturn,
Uranus, and Neptune --
tiny Neptune --
and Pluto is even tinier.
That is awesome.
Marshall,
tell me what you drew.
[ Chuckles ]
Ow!
♪♪
I know I've mentioned
that we've doubled the weekly
prize money this season,
and I'm going to keep
mentioning it,
because it's costing my boss
a goofload of money, okay?
But I haven't mentioned
this year's Grand Prize.
At the end of the season,
our $100,000 winners
will compete for
a Disney Cruise Line vacation
to the Bahamas for four people
aboard the new ship,
the Disney Wish!
That's pretty amazing, isn't it?
Huh?
[ Applause ]
Mm? Okay.
Yeah. I mean,
double the prize money,
Disney Cruise Line vacation?
Shoot, I almost wish
I wasn't the host
so I could send in a video
to win some of this stuff.
[ Laughs ] Almost, okay?
I mean, they are pretty nice
to me around here, okay?
Now, here are some dogs
who can't go on Disney Cruises
but can go to the dog park.
Get ready to boop some snoots.
We're going to the dog park.
[ Dog barks ]
[ Dog barks ]
Woman: Okay,
just move out of the way.
[ Laughing ]
I don't have it.
Throw it!
He doesn't know I have it.
He doesn't know
where it is.
Where is it?
[ Dog whines ]
[ Shrieking ]
[ Shouts ]
[ Laughs, shrieking ]
No! No!
No!
No.
Ribeiro: Maybe this
is more of a backyard activity.
[ Dog barks ]
[ Shrieks ]
[ Laughs ]
[ Dog panting ]
[ Laughs ]
♪♪
You know, they have Frisbees
without holes in the middle.
Woman: [ Laughs ]
♪♪
Ribeiro: Okay, big green ball
goes down the hallway.
♪♪
Wait a second!
Woman: [ Laughs ]
♪♪
The dog's supposed
to help protect the chickens.
I think I see a flaw
in your plan.
Woman: Zeus!
[ Laughing ]
What'd I tell you?
No.
♪♪
I grew up around snow,
so I appreciate
the allure of snow
and the fun that can be had
playing in all
that beautiful white powder.
Is there a "but," you ask?
[ Chuckles ] Well, yes.
I got my "butt"
the heck out of there
'cause snow is too cold for me.
♪ Here we go ♪
♪ There's something
about today ♪
♪ I can't quite explain ♪
♪ It's like everything ♪
♪ Is goin' my way, my way ♪
♪ There's something in the air ♪
♪ Anything can happen, yeah ♪
♪ It's just like magic ♪
♪ It's just like magic ♪
[ Shouting ]
♪ Whoo! ♪
♪ This is pretty much
the best day ever ♪
♪ The best day ever ♪
♪ Whoo-oo-oo ♪
Ohh!
♪ I got a feelin'
I could do whatever ♪
♪ I could do anything
that I please ♪
Woman: Whoo!
♪ This is pretty much
the best day ever ♪
♪ Whoo-oo-oo-oo ♪
♪ Whoo-oo-oo-oo ♪
♪ Whoo-oo-oo-oo, whoo-oo-oo ♪
♪ This is pretty much
the best day ever ♪
[ Shouts, laughs ]
♪ This is pretty much
the best day ever ♪
♪ The best day ever ♪
♪ Whoo-oo-oo ♪
[ Shouts ]
♪ I got a feelin'
I could do whatever ♪
♪ I could do anything
that I please ♪
♪ Whoo! ♪
♪ Whoo-oo-oo-oo ♪
♪ Whoo-oo-oo-oo ♪
♪ Whoo-oo-oo-oo, whoo-oo-oo ♪
♪ Here we go ♪
[ Applause ]
♪ This is pretty much
the best day ever ♪
♪ The best day ever ♪
♪ I could do anything
that I please ♪
♪ Whoo! ♪
♪♪
This next segment is called
"Don't Help or Nothin'."
It features people
who see someone clearly in need,
and yet they meet that need
with resounding apathy.
So if you're tired
of superhero movies,
enjoy these movies
without a hero in sight.
[ Laughter ]
[ Speaking indistinctly ]
Good advice.
You can tell
what you're doin'?
I think so.
Aah! Aah! Aah!
Think so.
♪♪
Yep, kid on crutches
going up the steps.
Don't help -- just judge.
Woman: You got all that dirt
on the bottom of your feet.
You fell.
Oh, you fell.
You alright?
Please, shut up, Mom.
You're making me angry.
Here comes the love
of your life
ready to join you
on the couch.
[ Screams ]
Heh...
No reason for you to get up.
Mommy.
[ Clattering ]
To be fair,
he's in the middle
of checking to see
how many likes his Insta got.
Just saying.
♪♪
Another season of "AFV"
is upon us.
Man, this summer flew by.
Someone told me
every year seems shorter
because it's less
of a percentage of your life.
For example, when someone
goes from 4 to 5,
that last year
is 20% of their life.
But when someone goes
from 50 to 51, that same year,
is, um -- is -- is -- is --
is don't-make-me-do-math
percent, okay?
I am an actor, a host,
a singer, and a dancer.
I am not a numbers man.
Just...
[ Laughter ]
Man: Here, buddy.
One, two.
-No. No, no, no.
-One.
One, two, three!
♪♪
[ Laughter ]
Oh, my...
♪♪
Ribeiro: A chilly winter day.
You know who hates
chilly winter days?
This groundhog.
Man: [ Chuckles ]
Oh! What the --
What the?!
[ Screams ]
Contrary to popular myth,
ostriches don't stick
their head in the sand.
They stick them
in late-model mid-size sedans.
[ Screams ]
Stop!
Man: Give it food.
I am!
Oooh!
[ Screams ]
♪♪
[ Screams ]
[ Indistinct conversations ]
This is either the world's
smallest drill sergeant
or a scene from
"Full Metal Onesie."
Together: In cadence!
One.
Five.
Seven.
Nine.
[ Indistinct shouting ]
Together: Halt!
[ Indistinct shouting ]
[ Soldiers shout ]
[ Laughter ]
Woman: I can't wait to see
what you did
with this wonderful
haunted house.
Okay.
It's not as good
as, like, this,
but obviously this is done
by professionals.
Sure.
But either way,
this is still pretty good
for a child.
Right.
What!
Nailed it!
[ Laughs ]
Nailed it!
[ Laughs ]
Man:
Would you look at that?
Mayflies have arrived.
[ Chuckles ]
Ribeiro: Surely
this is a violation
of the infield fly rule.
♪♪
One coffee coming up.
Ohh.
Ohh.
[ Applause ]
♪♪
Grown-ups spend
countless hours
trimming and shaving
unwanted body hair.
Yes, hair can be a hassle,
a nuisance.
However, in the case of the kid
you're about to see,
it's an unrivaled symbol
of manliness
that will make
the world his oyster.
Auntie, there's big news.
I'm getting chest hair.
Right -- Like, right here.
Man: Yeah, you're right.
That's comin' in nice.
I see it.
And --
And usually big men
grow chest hair,
but I don't know
why I'm growing chest hair.
Yeah. Are you gonna
show the kids at school?
And my girlfriends.
Girlfriends?
What are their names?
Jaylie, Isabella,
and Emma.
They're all
your girlfriends?
Yeah, three.
What about getting married?
Did they ever say anything?
Emma wants to marry me.
She's gonna love
that chest hair.
Can I see it one more time?
Look, chest hair.
Wow. You're right, I see it.
You want to take
a picture of my chest hair?
I got it. Alright,
say goodbye to Auntie.
Bye, Auntie, see you later.
I'll wear a tuxedo
or a suit next time.
I love you.
[ Laughter ]
Every cloud has a silver lining.
And every video mishap
can remind you
just how good you've got it.
That's my story,
and I'm sticking to it.
[ Birds chirping ]
Don't be such a gloomy Gus.
It's time to...
♪♪
Look on the bright side --
you finally have an excuse
to introduce yourself
to the new neighbors.
♪♪
[ Laughter ]
[ Laughter ]
[ Grunts ]
♪♪
Here's a happy spin --
he'll be too full
to get into your trash cans.
♪♪
[ Laughter ]
[ Dish shatters ]
♪♪
Think positive.
At least you got your kid
to eat more fruits and veggies.
♪♪
Woman: [ Laughs ] You're not
supposed to eat the cucumbers.
[ Laughs ]
Is it yummy?
♪♪
Consider it like this --
it's nice to know your kid
is really bad at lying.
Woman: Is it cold?
[ Shivering ]
No, it's not cold.
Are you cold?
No, I'm not cold.
You're not cold?
No.
You want to get out?
No.
Are you cold?
No, I'm not.
You're not cold?
No.
Are you sure?
I'm swimming.
You're swimming?
♪♪
I hope we've set you right
by showing you
that things can be bright.
♪♪
♪♪
"AFV" has just doubled
the weekly prize money!
That's better than...
Double the dancing dogs!
Woman: Hi-ee!
Double the dashing dimwits!
[ Laughter ]
Double the driveway doofuses!
[ Man groans ]
[ Applause ]
[ Applause ]
When silent films came along,
movie theaters were cool.
But when movies added sound,
they got so much better.
Same with babies.
Before they can talk,
they're cute.
But once they start
blabbering away,
they're way more entertaining.
Plus, they don't charge you
10 bucks for popcorn.
[ Chuckles ] I mean,
I know it's free refills,
but still, okay?
Woman: Why?
Because I need a new mom.
Why do you need a new mom?
Yeah? So you need a new mom
because I'm getting old?
Yeah.
Woman: Please help me
with the dishes.
Hey, Mommy.
Yeah?
You're -- You're 40.
[ Laughs ]
And I'm 4.
Okay.
And so
you are older than me.
And so you -- I think
you can do it by yourself.
I believe in you.
[ Laughs ]
I believe in you, Mom.
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
Woman: Little pig,
little pig, let me in.
Girl:
Not by the hair!
I'm gonna huff,
and I'm gonna puff.
[ Laughs ]
Woman: Who's here?
The PMS man?
Yeah. It's here.
Oh, what's he bringing?
It's hard to...
delivery.
To delivery?
Yeah.
What's he called?
[ Sighs lightly ]
PMS man.
Oh, right.
Hi!
[ Ice cream truck music plays ]
Well...
at least she's following proper
social distancing protocol.
♪♪
I just want to point out
with that last clip,
we are not making light
of COVID.
That little girl stayed safe,
followed the rules,
and eventually got better
and got ice cream --
lots and lots of ice cream.
Now I want ice cream.
[ Chuckles ]
You know what?
I may have to go get ice cream
while you watch these clips.
Cookies and cream!
Cookies and cream!
Woman: Ooh, oh.
Anybody order
the surf and turf?
Whoo!
[ Laughter ]
That was a good one.
♪♪
The dock
is slippery when wet.
Whoa!
And it's always wet.
You okay?
♪♪
Wow.
Bad Cooper throw
all of those rocks.
Woman: Bad Cooper threw
all of those rocks?
Uh-huh.
Now, I'm Good Cooper.
You're Good Cooper?
Mm-hmm.
So is it time for Bad Cooper
to go to time out?
Yeah!
Where's Bad Cooper?
Where's Bad Cooper?
I'm lookin' at him.
Me?!
Yeah.
No, I'm Good Cooper!
[ Clicks tongue ]
Man: The window.
Boy: A bear, a bear!
Woman: No, no.
I know it's a bear, buddy,
but look -- there is
a giraffe right there.
Ribeiro: He's so obsessed
with his animal cards,
he doesn't see
the animal by his car.
Jake!
Jake, there's a giraffe!
A piggy!
♪♪
It's a good thing
he took his shoe off.
He wouldn't want
to hurt the machine.
[ Laughter ]
♪♪
Woman:
It won't be forever.
Some call it
the cone of shame,
I call it the cone of cute.
♪♪
It's smushing your face.
♪♪
It's time for "Versus."
Join us as "groomsmen
with holes in the seat"
take on "man's best friend
slurping a frozen treat."
[ Bell dings ]
Tonight on "Versus"...
The dudes open up first
by splitting open their pants.
[ Crowd gasps ]
No ifs, ands,
or aired-out butts.
And raise your paw
if you want some French vanilla
in your maw.
[ Chuckles ]
He thinks...
It's really easy
for a groomsman's tuchus
to feel breezy.
♪♪
It looks like
the tongue of this pup
is too long for the cup.
Lick, doggy, lick.
And squatting's a no-no
unless you want your undies
to show-show.
[ Cheering ]
[ Laughter ]
This doggy's in luck
with her own ice cream truck.
Woman: What's this...
The dudes
get back in the hunt
with a rip to the front.
[ Crowd gasps ]
The ice cream dogs will win
many new fans
when they spawn human hands.
Is it enough?
♪♪
And the winner is...
[ Bell dings ]
...ice cream craving canines!
♪♪
Join us next time when the
dairy-devouring dogs take on...
...on "Versus."
[ Applause ]
♪♪
If you'd told me a year ago
that the latest trend
sweeping the nation
would be two people
filling their mouths with water,
then taking turns
smacking each other in the face
with a tortilla
until one person laughed so hard
they spit out the water,
I would have said...
Actually,
that sounds totally plausible.
I've been working here
a while --
I've seen a lot of stuff.
[ Chuckles ]
Enjoy the Tortilla Challenge.
♪♪
Mnh.
Man: Uh-oh.
♪♪
[ Laughter ]
♪♪
Woman: [ Laughs ]
♪♪
Woman: [ Laughs ]
♪♪
[ Laughs ]
♪♪
[ Laughs ]
♪♪
[ Laughs ]
♪♪
Aah!
Aah!
♪♪
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
Get ready to experience
a magical vacation
aboard the Disney Wish,
the newest ship from
Disney Cruise Line.
This season,
"AFV's" Grand Prize winner
will step aboard
and experience enchantment
everywhere they turn
on a 4-night Bahamian cruise.
The Disney Wish brings to life
the spectacular worlds
and beloved characters
from Disney, Marvel,
"Star Wars," and Pixar,
all with the service and care
that you expect from
a Disney Cruise Line vacation.
See the splendor
of Queen Elsa's ice magic,
assemble
with some favorite Avengers,
take a wild adventure
on the first ever
Disney attraction at sea.
Adults can rest and relax
at exclusive spaces,
sip a cocktail
at the first-of-its-kind
Star Wars: Hyperspace Lounge,
or sit back
and soak up the sun.
On the Disney Wish,
dreams really do come true.
Send your video to "AFV"
for your chance to win
this magical vacation!
♪♪
♪♪
Now, I am not a trash talker.
Don't want to be,
don't need to be.
However, I am a trash show-er,
at least when it comes to videos
of people who are trash
when it comes
to taking out the trash.
That's what I show.
[ Grunts lightly ]
Sometimes the trash
just wants to take itself out.
♪♪
No! No, no!
No, no, no, no.
No, no, no!
♪♪
Think of all the time she saved
not opening the safety gate.
♪♪
♪♪
Wait for meeeeeeee!
Happens every Tuesday
except when there's a holiday.
[ Brakes squeal ]
♪♪
The bag is stuck on the can.
He could just get out
of the truck and fix it,
but that would be
admitting defeat.
♪♪
He will not let this trash can
beat him.
♪♪
This is the ultimate man
versus machine.
♪♪
Okay.
Now he's just being stubborn.
♪♪
Come on, Dad.
Over here, too?
♪♪
Oh!
Woman: No!
[ Laughs ]
Ribeiro: For a moment,
he got to feel like a hero.
But only for a moment.
-Wait!
-Oh, yeah, no.
Woman:
That's hitting my car.
Oh!
[ Laughs ]
♪♪
You know what people love?
Dogs.
You know what else they love?
Food.
You know what else they love?
Lists.
So it just goes to reason that
a list of dogs who love food
is like the "AFV" trifecta.
♪♪
Number 10...
Rocko...
Number 9...
♪♪
Number 8...
Bad puppy.
My --
Woman: He's, like, laughing
'cause we're all laughing...
[ Laughs ]
Number 7...
♪♪
♪♪
Number 6...
♪♪
Number 5...
♪♪
No!
Woman: [ Laughs ]
Ribeiro: Number 4...
♪♪
Number 3...
♪♪
Number 2...
♪♪
And coming in
in the top spot
of "AFV's" 10 cleverest
meal-mooching mutts, it's...
number 1...
♪♪
Woman: [ Laughs ]
Man: Oh!
Oh!
♪♪
Group: Hey, Alfonso!
Hey, Alfonso, I want to see
more magic trick videos.
♪♪
Megan:
[ Muffled ] Me too!
Let me see.
Let me see.
[ Laughs ]
Okay, Stephanie and Megan,
you want to see
some magic videos?
Well, I just so happen
to have a magic drawer
full of magic videos.
Poof!
I'm gonna do magic for you.
One bottle and a pencil.
♪♪
Man: Go.
Daddy, do you want to see
a magic trick?
Do I want to see
a magic trick?
Yeah.
Yeah, go ahead.
One -- One...
two...
three!
Wow!
[ Laughs ]
Woman:
Where'd you put the spoon?
[ Babbles ]
Where is it?
Where'd the spoon go?
[ Gasps ]
Ta-da!
Ribeiro: The real trick here
is that he's distracting you
from the fact that
he's not eating his carrots.
Da.
Ta-da!
Here we go.
[ Man speaking
indistinctly ]
Ribeiro: The magic part...
is they
don't even own a cat.
Amazing!
So I wanted to do this --
So I'm gonna to do this,
and I'm gonna put the doll in --
I gonna put the doll
in the bag.
And then --
Be quiet.
And then --
I'm going to put the...
Ribeiro: She wins the award
for world's worst assistant.
And then --
And you close it, and I'm gonna
put it behind my back.
Alakazam!
Okay --
And then -- And then --
Girl: One's behind her --
One behind her back.
Stop.
There's one behind her back.
And then -- And then --
One behind her back.
And then --
Anna, stop!
♪♪
Cats can be surprisingly
nimble and funny,
considering they're
largely sedentary animals.
For those who don't know,
"sedentary"
is a nice word for "lazy."
And for those of you
who are angry
that you accidentally learned
something tonight,
here's a funny cat montage
to distract you.
[ Chuckles ]
[ Grieg's "Anitra's Dance"
plays ]
♪♪
♪♪
[ Man laughs ]
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
[ Bear grunting ]
[ Cat screeches ]
♪♪
♪♪
[ Woman laughs ]
♪♪
[ Laughter ]
♪♪
[ Cat yowling ]
♪♪
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
You know what's delicious?
Bread and butter.
Sadly, it's not great for you,
which is why people
shouldn't eat too much of it.
But around here,
there's no such thing
as too much bread and butter,
because people acting
like boneheads
are our bread and butter.
[ Chuckles ]
Now I can work on my swing
all week long on vacation.
The boys are gonna have no idea
what hit them
when they get back.
They don't stand a chance.
♪♪
[ Coughing ]
♪♪
Ribeiro: Fishing 101...
Man: Yeah.
...do not keep your phone
in your fishing net.
My phone was in...
Oh, my God!
How much is it?
50 bucks?
Half a tank of gas.
How much is it?
Less than 50 bucks?
It takes almost $50
for a whole tank.
Yeah, I'm not gonna give it
to you, but I'll pay for it.
Let's do it.
Let's go. Come on.
You better actually
pay for it.
Ready?
If you don't pay for it,
I'm-a punch you. In the throat.
Got to turn sideways.
Oh, my God.
That didn't work.
Do it again.
No, I felt it.
[ Electricity crackles ]
[ Shouts ]
Ohhh!
[ Laughter ]
♪♪
Ribeiro: This is one
of those singing restaurants
where the waitstaff is always
looking for their big break.
And he "big breaks"
everything.
[ Woman shouts ]
[ Glass shatters ]
[ Man singing ]
♪♪
Ribeiro: How to ruin a party
before it even begins.
Oh, my God!
Tonight, I'm not
just the host of "AFV" --
I'm also a proud video papa.
That's right --
my wife, Angela, and I
took the kids to a petting zoo
so they could get up close
and personal with the animals,
but at one point,
one particular goat
got a little too up close
and personal.
Check it out.
Woman: Hold it.
Hold your hands down.
Down. Hold it.
There's my son Anders...
my daughter Ava...
Did you feed it?
...and here's
their new best friend.
[ Gasps ]
Ow!
[ Laughs ] Okay.
Are you okay?
Mommy, I --
Those aren't my kids,
but their day at the petting zoo
is going just as poorly.
[ Bleats ]
[ Screams and laughs ]
♪♪
Woman: Alright.
I think this is
her first rodeo.
[ Laughing ]
♪♪
Shoot!
Woman: Uh-oh.
These ladies just pulled up
to their house,
but unfortunately for them...
[ Ding! ]
...so did the neighborhood goat.
Yeah, I'm not
messing around. Unh-unh!
Aah!
Unh-unh!
[ Goat bleats ]
[ Indistinct shouting ]
No, he'll get mad.
♪♪
Get up here!
[ Goat bleats ]
[ Indistinct shouting ]
[ Laughter ]
Turn it 'round!
[ Laughs ]
Turn it!
It's the wrong key.
No, it is not!
Aah!
[ Goat bleats ]
[ Shouting ]
...taking the...
key in already!
Abby!
[ Goat bleats ]
Stay with him.
Abby!
Woman: Get the dog.
Woman:
What's the matter?
Aww.
You don't like your diaper?
[ Goat bleats ]
I know.
Girl: She looked like
she was gonna have --
[ Laughter ]
Woman:
Alright, coins in.
Turn it. There you go.
Ribeiro: In his case,
"GOAT" stands for
"Getter Of All Treats."
Woman:
Did he get anything?
Yep.
[ Goat barks, screams ]
[ Goat barks, screams ]
[ Goat screams ]
[ Goat screams ]
Ribeiro:
For this kid, counting sheep
would keep him up all night.
[ Sheep bleats ]
[ Man laughs ]
Ribeiro:
The package is on time,
and I'm not the only one
who's shocked.
[ Horn honks ]
♪♪
You know
what the world needs now?
♪♪
♪♪
I hope you've enjoyed...
Smartphones can take videos,
let you surf the Web,
and, believe it or not --
and I'm not making this up --
you can even call
other people with them.
Mm-hmm! [ Chuckles ]
And one of the coolest things
they can do is face filters,
which aren't just hilarious,
they're also tonight's
"Assignment America."
Need some examples?
Here. Take a look at these.
Girl: [ Laughs ]
Taffeny.
[ Laughs ]
♪♪
[ Woman laughs ]
Okay. Hold on, hold on, hold on.
♪ Ohhh-ahhh! ♪
[ Screaming ]
[ Applause ]
[ Laughs ]
Yeah, use a face-filter app,
get video of you or a friend,
and upload it to us.
Jess, tell 'em more.
[ Chuckles ]
"Face Filter Freakouts"
are tonight's
"Assignment America."
So grab your phone
and turn yourself
into a cuddly-wuddly puppy
or flip faces with a friend.
Who knows?
Your hilariously morphed mug
might just end up
changing your life!
♪♪
The tension is mounting,
and soon we'll be vote counting,
so let's meet our finalists.
First up, one boy's art
became the subject of talk
when he drew a big old butt
with his chalk.
It's "All the Planets
and One Big Moon"
sent in by Kevin Lemieux
from Napa, California.
...galaxy,
Jupiter, Saturn,
Uranus, and Neptune --
tiny Neptune --
and Pluto is even tinier.
Woman:
That is awesome.
Marshall,
tell me what you drew.
[ Chuckles ]
Joining us are Kevin, Lauren,
Marshall, and Miles.
Now, Kevin, I heard that
you and Miles sent this video in
when you guys
were watching "AFV" one day
and Miles asked you if you had
any funny videos of him
because he really wanted
to be on the show.
What happened?
What'd you say?
So, he asked me
a million times.
We scrolled through,
found something
that we have thought as a family
was hilarious for a long time
and sent it in,
and here we are.
Here we are.
Well, you know what, Miles?
That was good thinking.
No "buts" about it.
[ Laughter ]
Good luck, guys.
Alright.
Next, when you give a balloon
to a puppy
with a case of the zoomies,
you'll need a playroom
that's much, much roomier.
It's "The Running
of the Bulldog"
sent in by Kathryn Rodgers
from Millington, Tennessee.
Girl: No.
Maybe this
is more of a backyard activity.
[ Dog barks ]
[ Shrieks ]
Joining us are Kathryn,
her sister Brandy,
her niece, Naomi,
and, of course, Chompy.
Now, Chompy's a big dog,
but he's still a puppy
with puppy energy.
Does he make a mess
like this often?
Yes.
All the time.
All the time. Well,
you know what? That's okay.
I mean, look, as long
as he looks that adorable,
it's okay by me, okay?
-Okay.
-Alright.
Well, good luck, guys.
And finally, the ice-cream truck
will come back another day,
but for now it has to stay
at least six feet away.
It's "Sno-Cone Distancing"
sent in by Todd Guidry
from St. Louis, Missouri.
Hi!
[ Ice cream truck music plays ]
Well...
at least she's following proper
social-distancing protocol.
Joining us are Todd, Carolyn,
Nora, Clare, Sam, and Jack.
Now, Todd, I understand
you found out what Nora did
when you saw the notification
from your security camera
on your phone.
What was your reaction
when you watched the video?
I thought it was
hilarious and cute,
and I was proud of her
for not going up
and talking to the ice-cream
truck while she had COVID.
You know what?
We're proud of her, too.
Good job! Good job!
And what do you plan to do
if you guys win $20,000 tonight?
♪♪
Well, we've been talking about
maybe taking a trip
or saving some money
for the future for the kids.
We haven't decided yet,
but we're gonna do something
really fun with it
if we're lucky enough to win.
Hey, if you're stocking up
on ice cream, okay,
your buddy Alfonso wouldn't say
no to some cookies and cream.
Okay? Good luck, guys.
Thanks.
Alright. Alright.
We're gonna find out
who takes home the cash
in just a minute,
but first let's take a look
at some of the clips
that didn't make our top three
in tonight's honorable mention.
♪♪
[ Woman screams ]
[ Crash! ]
Man: Whoa!
[ Sloop! Boing! ]
♪♪
[ Whirring ]
♪♪
Ohhh!
Ow!
♪♪
[ Engine zooms ]
Whoa!
[ Applause ]
Okay. It's time to hand out
tonight's prizes --
$20,000 for first,
$6,000 for second,
and $4,000 for third.
Here we go.
Our third place,
$4,000 winner is...
"Sno-Cone Distancing"
sent in by Todd Guidry
from St. Louis, Missouri.
[ Applause ]
Thank you.
Thank you.
And the winner of the $20,000
and tonight's
funniest home video is...
"The Running of the Bulldog"
sent in by Kathryn Rodgers
from Millington, Tennessee.
We have Naomi, Chompy,
Kathryn, and Brandy!
Congratulations! Yes!
Now, I heard Naomi
was a little upset at first
because Chompy just, like,
trashed her playroom.
Now, did she
get over that quickly?
Yeah.
Yes, she did.
She's used to it.
Well, that's a good thing.
That's good. That's good.
And now, Naomi, what is
your nickname for Chompy?
Naomi calls him
her husband.
It's her husband?
Okay. You know what?
Well, your husband
just brought home 20 grand.
[ Cheers and applause ]
That is awesome!
Alright?
Thank you!
And a shot
at a hundred grand!
Naomi,
congratulate your husband.
[ Laughter ]
Congratulations, guys.
Great job.
Chompy, good job!
[ Cheers and applause ]
You know how for the past hour
we've been doing the show?
Well, this is the point
where we stop.
[ Laughter ]
We'll see you next time.
And don't forget --
if you upload a video
and it airs on the show,
we'll send you an "AFV" T-shirt.
So good night, everybody,
and remember --
send your video to me,
you might win 20 G's.
Good night.
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
Ready, set, go -- nowhere!
"AFV" is on!
♪♪
That didn't work.
No, I felt it.
[ Electricity crackles ]
[ Shouts ]
Man: Ohhh!
♪♪
Oh, my God!
♪♪
Woman: Whoo!
♪♪
[ Bleats ]
[ Screams and laughs ]
♪♪
Welcome to...
And now here he is,
the host of our show --
Alfonso Ribeiro!
Let's do it, y'all!
[ Cheers and applause ]
Thank you, guys.
Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you.
Hello and welcome
to an all-new season of "AFV."
It's so great to see smiling
faces in the studio again.
I missed you.
[ Cheers and applause ]
And you, and you, and you,
and you, and you, and you,
and you!
But having the audience back
is not the only huge change
we've made this season.
The weekly prize money
has been doubled!
[ Cheers and applause ]
Yes.
The winner of each episode
will now walk away with $20,000,
and the second and third place
prize money has also doubled.
So now you've got 20,000 reasons
to go through your home videos
and see if you have something
"AFV"-worthy.
Man: Nice.
Like this.
[ British accent ]
Aw, I'm gonna my --
look, my trousers
are getting dirty.
Ribeiro: Blimey!
He's all grimy.
Look at the state
of my feet.
I've got to try
and get over there.
[ Birds squawk ]
♪♪
Man: Okay. Now, we're gonna be
working with the bands.
When you're working
with the bands,
be sure
and keep your body aligned.
Keep your feet evenly apart.
Ribeiro:
They say, "No pain, no gain,"
which means she's about to have
some big gains.
Man: One and two...
Oh, my God!
Aah!
♪♪
Ribeiro: The only thing he likes
more than people food
is a little privacy.
♪♪
Woman:
Please close the door.
Ribeiro: He's not just smarter
than the average bear,
he's also more polite.
♪♪
How I spent
my summer vacation...
Woman: [ Laughs ]
Woman: Tell me
all the planets you drew.
Go ahead.
This is the Sun,
Mercury, Venus,
Earth, Mars,
Ceres, Milky Way galaxy,
Jupiter, Saturn,
Uranus, and Neptune --
tiny Neptune --
and Pluto is even tinier.
That is awesome.
Marshall,
tell me what you drew.
[ Chuckles ]
Ow!
♪♪
I know I've mentioned
that we've doubled the weekly
prize money this season,
and I'm going to keep
mentioning it,
because it's costing my boss
a goofload of money, okay?
But I haven't mentioned
this year's Grand Prize.
At the end of the season,
our $100,000 winners
will compete for
a Disney Cruise Line vacation
to the Bahamas for four people
aboard the new ship,
the Disney Wish!
That's pretty amazing, isn't it?
Huh?
[ Applause ]
Mm? Okay.
Yeah. I mean,
double the prize money,
Disney Cruise Line vacation?
Shoot, I almost wish
I wasn't the host
so I could send in a video
to win some of this stuff.
[ Laughs ] Almost, okay?
I mean, they are pretty nice
to me around here, okay?
Now, here are some dogs
who can't go on Disney Cruises
but can go to the dog park.
Get ready to boop some snoots.
We're going to the dog park.
[ Dog barks ]
[ Dog barks ]
Woman: Okay,
just move out of the way.
[ Laughing ]
I don't have it.
Throw it!
He doesn't know I have it.
He doesn't know
where it is.
Where is it?
[ Dog whines ]
[ Shrieking ]
[ Shouts ]
[ Laughs, shrieking ]
No! No!
No!
No.
Ribeiro: Maybe this
is more of a backyard activity.
[ Dog barks ]
[ Shrieks ]
[ Laughs ]
[ Dog panting ]
[ Laughs ]
♪♪
You know, they have Frisbees
without holes in the middle.
Woman: [ Laughs ]
♪♪
Ribeiro: Okay, big green ball
goes down the hallway.
♪♪
Wait a second!
Woman: [ Laughs ]
♪♪
The dog's supposed
to help protect the chickens.
I think I see a flaw
in your plan.
Woman: Zeus!
[ Laughing ]
What'd I tell you?
No.
♪♪
I grew up around snow,
so I appreciate
the allure of snow
and the fun that can be had
playing in all
that beautiful white powder.
Is there a "but," you ask?
[ Chuckles ] Well, yes.
I got my "butt"
the heck out of there
'cause snow is too cold for me.
♪ Here we go ♪
♪ There's something
about today ♪
♪ I can't quite explain ♪
♪ It's like everything ♪
♪ Is goin' my way, my way ♪
♪ There's something in the air ♪
♪ Anything can happen, yeah ♪
♪ It's just like magic ♪
♪ It's just like magic ♪
[ Shouting ]
♪ Whoo! ♪
♪ This is pretty much
the best day ever ♪
♪ The best day ever ♪
♪ Whoo-oo-oo ♪
Ohh!
♪ I got a feelin'
I could do whatever ♪
♪ I could do anything
that I please ♪
Woman: Whoo!
♪ This is pretty much
the best day ever ♪
♪ Whoo-oo-oo-oo ♪
♪ Whoo-oo-oo-oo ♪
♪ Whoo-oo-oo-oo, whoo-oo-oo ♪
♪ This is pretty much
the best day ever ♪
[ Shouts, laughs ]
♪ This is pretty much
the best day ever ♪
♪ The best day ever ♪
♪ Whoo-oo-oo ♪
[ Shouts ]
♪ I got a feelin'
I could do whatever ♪
♪ I could do anything
that I please ♪
♪ Whoo! ♪
♪ Whoo-oo-oo-oo ♪
♪ Whoo-oo-oo-oo ♪
♪ Whoo-oo-oo-oo, whoo-oo-oo ♪
♪ Here we go ♪
[ Applause ]
♪ This is pretty much
the best day ever ♪
♪ The best day ever ♪
♪ I could do anything
that I please ♪
♪ Whoo! ♪
♪♪
This next segment is called
"Don't Help or Nothin'."
It features people
who see someone clearly in need,
and yet they meet that need
with resounding apathy.
So if you're tired
of superhero movies,
enjoy these movies
without a hero in sight.
[ Laughter ]
[ Speaking indistinctly ]
Good advice.
You can tell
what you're doin'?
I think so.
Aah! Aah! Aah!
Think so.
♪♪
Yep, kid on crutches
going up the steps.
Don't help -- just judge.
Woman: You got all that dirt
on the bottom of your feet.
You fell.
Oh, you fell.
You alright?
Please, shut up, Mom.
You're making me angry.
Here comes the love
of your life
ready to join you
on the couch.
[ Screams ]
Heh...
No reason for you to get up.
Mommy.
[ Clattering ]
To be fair,
he's in the middle
of checking to see
how many likes his Insta got.
Just saying.
♪♪
Another season of "AFV"
is upon us.
Man, this summer flew by.
Someone told me
every year seems shorter
because it's less
of a percentage of your life.
For example, when someone
goes from 4 to 5,
that last year
is 20% of their life.
But when someone goes
from 50 to 51, that same year,
is, um -- is -- is -- is --
is don't-make-me-do-math
percent, okay?
I am an actor, a host,
a singer, and a dancer.
I am not a numbers man.
Just...
[ Laughter ]
Man: Here, buddy.
One, two.
-No. No, no, no.
-One.
One, two, three!
♪♪
[ Laughter ]
Oh, my...
♪♪
Ribeiro: A chilly winter day.
You know who hates
chilly winter days?
This groundhog.
Man: [ Chuckles ]
Oh! What the --
What the?!
[ Screams ]
Contrary to popular myth,
ostriches don't stick
their head in the sand.
They stick them
in late-model mid-size sedans.
[ Screams ]
Stop!
Man: Give it food.
I am!
Oooh!
[ Screams ]
♪♪
[ Screams ]
[ Indistinct conversations ]
This is either the world's
smallest drill sergeant
or a scene from
"Full Metal Onesie."
Together: In cadence!
One.
Five.
Seven.
Nine.
[ Indistinct shouting ]
Together: Halt!
[ Indistinct shouting ]
[ Soldiers shout ]
[ Laughter ]
Woman: I can't wait to see
what you did
with this wonderful
haunted house.
Okay.
It's not as good
as, like, this,
but obviously this is done
by professionals.
Sure.
But either way,
this is still pretty good
for a child.
Right.
What!
Nailed it!
[ Laughs ]
Nailed it!
[ Laughs ]
Man:
Would you look at that?
Mayflies have arrived.
[ Chuckles ]
Ribeiro: Surely
this is a violation
of the infield fly rule.
♪♪
One coffee coming up.
Ohh.
Ohh.
[ Applause ]
♪♪
Grown-ups spend
countless hours
trimming and shaving
unwanted body hair.
Yes, hair can be a hassle,
a nuisance.
However, in the case of the kid
you're about to see,
it's an unrivaled symbol
of manliness
that will make
the world his oyster.
Auntie, there's big news.
I'm getting chest hair.
Right -- Like, right here.
Man: Yeah, you're right.
That's comin' in nice.
I see it.
And --
And usually big men
grow chest hair,
but I don't know
why I'm growing chest hair.
Yeah. Are you gonna
show the kids at school?
And my girlfriends.
Girlfriends?
What are their names?
Jaylie, Isabella,
and Emma.
They're all
your girlfriends?
Yeah, three.
What about getting married?
Did they ever say anything?
Emma wants to marry me.
She's gonna love
that chest hair.
Can I see it one more time?
Look, chest hair.
Wow. You're right, I see it.
You want to take
a picture of my chest hair?
I got it. Alright,
say goodbye to Auntie.
Bye, Auntie, see you later.
I'll wear a tuxedo
or a suit next time.
I love you.
[ Laughter ]
Every cloud has a silver lining.
And every video mishap
can remind you
just how good you've got it.
That's my story,
and I'm sticking to it.
[ Birds chirping ]
Don't be such a gloomy Gus.
It's time to...
♪♪
Look on the bright side --
you finally have an excuse
to introduce yourself
to the new neighbors.
♪♪
[ Laughter ]
[ Laughter ]
[ Grunts ]
♪♪
Here's a happy spin --
he'll be too full
to get into your trash cans.
♪♪
[ Laughter ]
[ Dish shatters ]
♪♪
Think positive.
At least you got your kid
to eat more fruits and veggies.
♪♪
Woman: [ Laughs ] You're not
supposed to eat the cucumbers.
[ Laughs ]
Is it yummy?
♪♪
Consider it like this --
it's nice to know your kid
is really bad at lying.
Woman: Is it cold?
[ Shivering ]
No, it's not cold.
Are you cold?
No, I'm not cold.
You're not cold?
No.
You want to get out?
No.
Are you cold?
No, I'm not.
You're not cold?
No.
Are you sure?
I'm swimming.
You're swimming?
♪♪
I hope we've set you right
by showing you
that things can be bright.
♪♪
♪♪
"AFV" has just doubled
the weekly prize money!
That's better than...
Double the dancing dogs!
Woman: Hi-ee!
Double the dashing dimwits!
[ Laughter ]
Double the driveway doofuses!
[ Man groans ]
[ Applause ]
[ Applause ]
When silent films came along,
movie theaters were cool.
But when movies added sound,
they got so much better.
Same with babies.
Before they can talk,
they're cute.
But once they start
blabbering away,
they're way more entertaining.
Plus, they don't charge you
10 bucks for popcorn.
[ Chuckles ] I mean,
I know it's free refills,
but still, okay?
Woman: Why?
Because I need a new mom.
Why do you need a new mom?
Yeah? So you need a new mom
because I'm getting old?
Yeah.
Woman: Please help me
with the dishes.
Hey, Mommy.
Yeah?
You're -- You're 40.
[ Laughs ]
And I'm 4.
Okay.
And so
you are older than me.
And so you -- I think
you can do it by yourself.
I believe in you.
[ Laughs ]
I believe in you, Mom.
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
Woman: Little pig,
little pig, let me in.
Girl:
Not by the hair!
I'm gonna huff,
and I'm gonna puff.
[ Laughs ]
Woman: Who's here?
The PMS man?
Yeah. It's here.
Oh, what's he bringing?
It's hard to...
delivery.
To delivery?
Yeah.
What's he called?
[ Sighs lightly ]
PMS man.
Oh, right.
Hi!
[ Ice cream truck music plays ]
Well...
at least she's following proper
social distancing protocol.
♪♪
I just want to point out
with that last clip,
we are not making light
of COVID.
That little girl stayed safe,
followed the rules,
and eventually got better
and got ice cream --
lots and lots of ice cream.
Now I want ice cream.
[ Chuckles ]
You know what?
I may have to go get ice cream
while you watch these clips.
Cookies and cream!
Cookies and cream!
Woman: Ooh, oh.
Anybody order
the surf and turf?
Whoo!
[ Laughter ]
That was a good one.
♪♪
The dock
is slippery when wet.
Whoa!
And it's always wet.
You okay?
♪♪
Wow.
Bad Cooper throw
all of those rocks.
Woman: Bad Cooper threw
all of those rocks?
Uh-huh.
Now, I'm Good Cooper.
You're Good Cooper?
Mm-hmm.
So is it time for Bad Cooper
to go to time out?
Yeah!
Where's Bad Cooper?
Where's Bad Cooper?
I'm lookin' at him.
Me?!
Yeah.
No, I'm Good Cooper!
[ Clicks tongue ]
Man: The window.
Boy: A bear, a bear!
Woman: No, no.
I know it's a bear, buddy,
but look -- there is
a giraffe right there.
Ribeiro: He's so obsessed
with his animal cards,
he doesn't see
the animal by his car.
Jake!
Jake, there's a giraffe!
A piggy!
♪♪
It's a good thing
he took his shoe off.
He wouldn't want
to hurt the machine.
[ Laughter ]
♪♪
Woman:
It won't be forever.
Some call it
the cone of shame,
I call it the cone of cute.
♪♪
It's smushing your face.
♪♪
It's time for "Versus."
Join us as "groomsmen
with holes in the seat"
take on "man's best friend
slurping a frozen treat."
[ Bell dings ]
Tonight on "Versus"...
The dudes open up first
by splitting open their pants.
[ Crowd gasps ]
No ifs, ands,
or aired-out butts.
And raise your paw
if you want some French vanilla
in your maw.
[ Chuckles ]
He thinks...
It's really easy
for a groomsman's tuchus
to feel breezy.
♪♪
It looks like
the tongue of this pup
is too long for the cup.
Lick, doggy, lick.
And squatting's a no-no
unless you want your undies
to show-show.
[ Cheering ]
[ Laughter ]
This doggy's in luck
with her own ice cream truck.
Woman: What's this...
The dudes
get back in the hunt
with a rip to the front.
[ Crowd gasps ]
The ice cream dogs will win
many new fans
when they spawn human hands.
Is it enough?
♪♪
And the winner is...
[ Bell dings ]
...ice cream craving canines!
♪♪
Join us next time when the
dairy-devouring dogs take on...
...on "Versus."
[ Applause ]
♪♪
If you'd told me a year ago
that the latest trend
sweeping the nation
would be two people
filling their mouths with water,
then taking turns
smacking each other in the face
with a tortilla
until one person laughed so hard
they spit out the water,
I would have said...
Actually,
that sounds totally plausible.
I've been working here
a while --
I've seen a lot of stuff.
[ Chuckles ]
Enjoy the Tortilla Challenge.
♪♪
Mnh.
Man: Uh-oh.
♪♪
[ Laughter ]
♪♪
Woman: [ Laughs ]
♪♪
Woman: [ Laughs ]
♪♪
[ Laughs ]
♪♪
[ Laughs ]
♪♪
[ Laughs ]
♪♪
Aah!
Aah!
♪♪
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
Get ready to experience
a magical vacation
aboard the Disney Wish,
the newest ship from
Disney Cruise Line.
This season,
"AFV's" Grand Prize winner
will step aboard
and experience enchantment
everywhere they turn
on a 4-night Bahamian cruise.
The Disney Wish brings to life
the spectacular worlds
and beloved characters
from Disney, Marvel,
"Star Wars," and Pixar,
all with the service and care
that you expect from
a Disney Cruise Line vacation.
See the splendor
of Queen Elsa's ice magic,
assemble
with some favorite Avengers,
take a wild adventure
on the first ever
Disney attraction at sea.
Adults can rest and relax
at exclusive spaces,
sip a cocktail
at the first-of-its-kind
Star Wars: Hyperspace Lounge,
or sit back
and soak up the sun.
On the Disney Wish,
dreams really do come true.
Send your video to "AFV"
for your chance to win
this magical vacation!
♪♪
♪♪
Now, I am not a trash talker.
Don't want to be,
don't need to be.
However, I am a trash show-er,
at least when it comes to videos
of people who are trash
when it comes
to taking out the trash.
That's what I show.
[ Grunts lightly ]
Sometimes the trash
just wants to take itself out.
♪♪
No! No, no!
No, no, no, no.
No, no, no!
♪♪
Think of all the time she saved
not opening the safety gate.
♪♪
♪♪
Wait for meeeeeeee!
Happens every Tuesday
except when there's a holiday.
[ Brakes squeal ]
♪♪
The bag is stuck on the can.
He could just get out
of the truck and fix it,
but that would be
admitting defeat.
♪♪
He will not let this trash can
beat him.
♪♪
This is the ultimate man
versus machine.
♪♪
Okay.
Now he's just being stubborn.
♪♪
Come on, Dad.
Over here, too?
♪♪
Oh!
Woman: No!
[ Laughs ]
Ribeiro: For a moment,
he got to feel like a hero.
But only for a moment.
-Wait!
-Oh, yeah, no.
Woman:
That's hitting my car.
Oh!
[ Laughs ]
♪♪
You know what people love?
Dogs.
You know what else they love?
Food.
You know what else they love?
Lists.
So it just goes to reason that
a list of dogs who love food
is like the "AFV" trifecta.
♪♪
Number 10...
Rocko...
Number 9...
♪♪
Number 8...
Bad puppy.
My --
Woman: He's, like, laughing
'cause we're all laughing...
[ Laughs ]
Number 7...
♪♪
♪♪
Number 6...
♪♪
Number 5...
♪♪
No!
Woman: [ Laughs ]
Ribeiro: Number 4...
♪♪
Number 3...
♪♪
Number 2...
♪♪
And coming in
in the top spot
of "AFV's" 10 cleverest
meal-mooching mutts, it's...
number 1...
♪♪
Woman: [ Laughs ]
Man: Oh!
Oh!
♪♪
Group: Hey, Alfonso!
Hey, Alfonso, I want to see
more magic trick videos.
♪♪
Megan:
[ Muffled ] Me too!
Let me see.
Let me see.
[ Laughs ]
Okay, Stephanie and Megan,
you want to see
some magic videos?
Well, I just so happen
to have a magic drawer
full of magic videos.
Poof!
I'm gonna do magic for you.
One bottle and a pencil.
♪♪
Man: Go.
Daddy, do you want to see
a magic trick?
Do I want to see
a magic trick?
Yeah.
Yeah, go ahead.
One -- One...
two...
three!
Wow!
[ Laughs ]
Woman:
Where'd you put the spoon?
[ Babbles ]
Where is it?
Where'd the spoon go?
[ Gasps ]
Ta-da!
Ribeiro: The real trick here
is that he's distracting you
from the fact that
he's not eating his carrots.
Da.
Ta-da!
Here we go.
[ Man speaking
indistinctly ]
Ribeiro: The magic part...
is they
don't even own a cat.
Amazing!
So I wanted to do this --
So I'm gonna to do this,
and I'm gonna put the doll in --
I gonna put the doll
in the bag.
And then --
Be quiet.
And then --
I'm going to put the...
Ribeiro: She wins the award
for world's worst assistant.
And then --
And you close it, and I'm gonna
put it behind my back.
Alakazam!
Okay --
And then -- And then --
Girl: One's behind her --
One behind her back.
Stop.
There's one behind her back.
And then -- And then --
One behind her back.
And then --
Anna, stop!
♪♪
Cats can be surprisingly
nimble and funny,
considering they're
largely sedentary animals.
For those who don't know,
"sedentary"
is a nice word for "lazy."
And for those of you
who are angry
that you accidentally learned
something tonight,
here's a funny cat montage
to distract you.
[ Chuckles ]
[ Grieg's "Anitra's Dance"
plays ]
♪♪
♪♪
[ Man laughs ]
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
[ Bear grunting ]
[ Cat screeches ]
♪♪
♪♪
[ Woman laughs ]
♪♪
[ Laughter ]
♪♪
[ Cat yowling ]
♪♪
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
You know what's delicious?
Bread and butter.
Sadly, it's not great for you,
which is why people
shouldn't eat too much of it.
But around here,
there's no such thing
as too much bread and butter,
because people acting
like boneheads
are our bread and butter.
[ Chuckles ]
Now I can work on my swing
all week long on vacation.
The boys are gonna have no idea
what hit them
when they get back.
They don't stand a chance.
♪♪
[ Coughing ]
♪♪
Ribeiro: Fishing 101...
Man: Yeah.
...do not keep your phone
in your fishing net.
My phone was in...
Oh, my God!
How much is it?
50 bucks?
Half a tank of gas.
How much is it?
Less than 50 bucks?
It takes almost $50
for a whole tank.
Yeah, I'm not gonna give it
to you, but I'll pay for it.
Let's do it.
Let's go. Come on.
You better actually
pay for it.
Ready?
If you don't pay for it,
I'm-a punch you. In the throat.
Got to turn sideways.
Oh, my God.
That didn't work.
Do it again.
No, I felt it.
[ Electricity crackles ]
[ Shouts ]
Ohhh!
[ Laughter ]
♪♪
Ribeiro: This is one
of those singing restaurants
where the waitstaff is always
looking for their big break.
And he "big breaks"
everything.
[ Woman shouts ]
[ Glass shatters ]
[ Man singing ]
♪♪
Ribeiro: How to ruin a party
before it even begins.
Oh, my God!
Tonight, I'm not
just the host of "AFV" --
I'm also a proud video papa.
That's right --
my wife, Angela, and I
took the kids to a petting zoo
so they could get up close
and personal with the animals,
but at one point,
one particular goat
got a little too up close
and personal.
Check it out.
Woman: Hold it.
Hold your hands down.
Down. Hold it.
There's my son Anders...
my daughter Ava...
Did you feed it?
...and here's
their new best friend.
[ Gasps ]
Ow!
[ Laughs ] Okay.
Are you okay?
Mommy, I --
Those aren't my kids,
but their day at the petting zoo
is going just as poorly.
[ Bleats ]
[ Screams and laughs ]
♪♪
Woman: Alright.
I think this is
her first rodeo.
[ Laughing ]
♪♪
Shoot!
Woman: Uh-oh.
These ladies just pulled up
to their house,
but unfortunately for them...
[ Ding! ]
...so did the neighborhood goat.
Yeah, I'm not
messing around. Unh-unh!
Aah!
Unh-unh!
[ Goat bleats ]
[ Indistinct shouting ]
No, he'll get mad.
♪♪
Get up here!
[ Goat bleats ]
[ Indistinct shouting ]
[ Laughter ]
Turn it 'round!
[ Laughs ]
Turn it!
It's the wrong key.
No, it is not!
Aah!
[ Goat bleats ]
[ Shouting ]
...taking the...
key in already!
Abby!
[ Goat bleats ]
Stay with him.
Abby!
Woman: Get the dog.
Woman:
What's the matter?
Aww.
You don't like your diaper?
[ Goat bleats ]
I know.
Girl: She looked like
she was gonna have --
[ Laughter ]
Woman:
Alright, coins in.
Turn it. There you go.
Ribeiro: In his case,
"GOAT" stands for
"Getter Of All Treats."
Woman:
Did he get anything?
Yep.
[ Goat barks, screams ]
[ Goat barks, screams ]
[ Goat screams ]
[ Goat screams ]
Ribeiro:
For this kid, counting sheep
would keep him up all night.
[ Sheep bleats ]
[ Man laughs ]
Ribeiro:
The package is on time,
and I'm not the only one
who's shocked.
[ Horn honks ]
♪♪
You know
what the world needs now?
♪♪
♪♪
I hope you've enjoyed...
Smartphones can take videos,
let you surf the Web,
and, believe it or not --
and I'm not making this up --
you can even call
other people with them.
Mm-hmm! [ Chuckles ]
And one of the coolest things
they can do is face filters,
which aren't just hilarious,
they're also tonight's
"Assignment America."
Need some examples?
Here. Take a look at these.
Girl: [ Laughs ]
Taffeny.
[ Laughs ]
♪♪
[ Woman laughs ]
Okay. Hold on, hold on, hold on.
♪ Ohhh-ahhh! ♪
[ Screaming ]
[ Applause ]
[ Laughs ]
Yeah, use a face-filter app,
get video of you or a friend,
and upload it to us.
Jess, tell 'em more.
[ Chuckles ]
"Face Filter Freakouts"
are tonight's
"Assignment America."
So grab your phone
and turn yourself
into a cuddly-wuddly puppy
or flip faces with a friend.
Who knows?
Your hilariously morphed mug
might just end up
changing your life!
♪♪
The tension is mounting,
and soon we'll be vote counting,
so let's meet our finalists.
First up, one boy's art
became the subject of talk
when he drew a big old butt
with his chalk.
It's "All the Planets
and One Big Moon"
sent in by Kevin Lemieux
from Napa, California.
...galaxy,
Jupiter, Saturn,
Uranus, and Neptune --
tiny Neptune --
and Pluto is even tinier.
Woman:
That is awesome.
Marshall,
tell me what you drew.
[ Chuckles ]
Joining us are Kevin, Lauren,
Marshall, and Miles.
Now, Kevin, I heard that
you and Miles sent this video in
when you guys
were watching "AFV" one day
and Miles asked you if you had
any funny videos of him
because he really wanted
to be on the show.
What happened?
What'd you say?
So, he asked me
a million times.
We scrolled through,
found something
that we have thought as a family
was hilarious for a long time
and sent it in,
and here we are.
Here we are.
Well, you know what, Miles?
That was good thinking.
No "buts" about it.
[ Laughter ]
Good luck, guys.
Alright.
Next, when you give a balloon
to a puppy
with a case of the zoomies,
you'll need a playroom
that's much, much roomier.
It's "The Running
of the Bulldog"
sent in by Kathryn Rodgers
from Millington, Tennessee.
Girl: No.
Maybe this
is more of a backyard activity.
[ Dog barks ]
[ Shrieks ]
Joining us are Kathryn,
her sister Brandy,
her niece, Naomi,
and, of course, Chompy.
Now, Chompy's a big dog,
but he's still a puppy
with puppy energy.
Does he make a mess
like this often?
Yes.
All the time.
All the time. Well,
you know what? That's okay.
I mean, look, as long
as he looks that adorable,
it's okay by me, okay?
-Okay.
-Alright.
Well, good luck, guys.
And finally, the ice-cream truck
will come back another day,
but for now it has to stay
at least six feet away.
It's "Sno-Cone Distancing"
sent in by Todd Guidry
from St. Louis, Missouri.
Hi!
[ Ice cream truck music plays ]
Well...
at least she's following proper
social-distancing protocol.
Joining us are Todd, Carolyn,
Nora, Clare, Sam, and Jack.
Now, Todd, I understand
you found out what Nora did
when you saw the notification
from your security camera
on your phone.
What was your reaction
when you watched the video?
I thought it was
hilarious and cute,
and I was proud of her
for not going up
and talking to the ice-cream
truck while she had COVID.
You know what?
We're proud of her, too.
Good job! Good job!
And what do you plan to do
if you guys win $20,000 tonight?
♪♪
Well, we've been talking about
maybe taking a trip
or saving some money
for the future for the kids.
We haven't decided yet,
but we're gonna do something
really fun with it
if we're lucky enough to win.
Hey, if you're stocking up
on ice cream, okay,
your buddy Alfonso wouldn't say
no to some cookies and cream.
Okay? Good luck, guys.
Thanks.
Alright. Alright.
We're gonna find out
who takes home the cash
in just a minute,
but first let's take a look
at some of the clips
that didn't make our top three
in tonight's honorable mention.
♪♪
[ Woman screams ]
[ Crash! ]
Man: Whoa!
[ Sloop! Boing! ]
♪♪
[ Whirring ]
♪♪
Ohhh!
Ow!
♪♪
[ Engine zooms ]
Whoa!
[ Applause ]
Okay. It's time to hand out
tonight's prizes --
$20,000 for first,
$6,000 for second,
and $4,000 for third.
Here we go.
Our third place,
$4,000 winner is...
"Sno-Cone Distancing"
sent in by Todd Guidry
from St. Louis, Missouri.
[ Applause ]
Thank you.
Thank you.
And the winner of the $20,000
and tonight's
funniest home video is...
"The Running of the Bulldog"
sent in by Kathryn Rodgers
from Millington, Tennessee.
We have Naomi, Chompy,
Kathryn, and Brandy!
Congratulations! Yes!
Now, I heard Naomi
was a little upset at first
because Chompy just, like,
trashed her playroom.
Now, did she
get over that quickly?
Yeah.
Yes, she did.
She's used to it.
Well, that's a good thing.
That's good. That's good.
And now, Naomi, what is
your nickname for Chompy?
Naomi calls him
her husband.
It's her husband?
Okay. You know what?
Well, your husband
just brought home 20 grand.
[ Cheers and applause ]
That is awesome!
Alright?
Thank you!
And a shot
at a hundred grand!
Naomi,
congratulate your husband.
[ Laughter ]
Congratulations, guys.
Great job.
Chompy, good job!
[ Cheers and applause ]
You know how for the past hour
we've been doing the show?
Well, this is the point
where we stop.
[ Laughter ]
We'll see you next time.
And don't forget --
if you upload a video
and it airs on the show,
we'll send you an "AFV" T-shirt.
So good night, everybody,
and remember --
send your video to me,
you might win 20 G's.
Good night.
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪