American Playhouse (1981–…): Season 5, Episode 2 - The Roommate - full transcript
Set in 1952, this tells of two young men who are polar opposites being assigned to the same dorm room at Northwestern University.
(ball bouncing)
(chattering)
- [Man] Come on Orson!
(chattering)
- [Man] Come on Orson!
- [Man] Damn.
(chattering)
(ball bouncing)
- [Man] Come on Orson!
(ball bouncing)
(cheering and shouting)
- [Man] Come on, Orson!
(cheering and shouting)
(cheering and shouting)
- [Boy] Good job Lester!
- Say Ziegler.
How come the captain of the
football and baseball team
can't beat me in a friendly
little game of one on one?
(cheering)
Ooh, you're a heck of a shot, Ziegler...
When nobody's guarding ya.
♫ Tell me why
- [Boy] Two chocolate shakes.
- [Boy] Hey Rich, wait up.
- [Girl] We'll meet you there.
- Here you go.
Oh no, that's alright
Orson, don't worry about it.
This is on me, a going
away present for our star.
- Oh thanks a lot, Katie.
- You're welcome.
- That's real nice of
her, don't you think?
- Pays to be popular.
- Yeah.
- Bet you'll be meeting
a lot of sharp girls.
- If I was looking for girls, Emily,
I could find them a lot
closer than Chicago.
Besides, I already got my girl.
♫ There is no moon above far away tonight
- Hey Orson.
(laughing)
We're going over to party in Sioux Falls.
You wanna come along?
- No thanks.
- Told ya.
- Come on, I bet Hank and I
could get you to drink a beer.
(laughing)
- Come on, don't be a drag,
it's gonna be a blast.
- Thanks anyway.
- Gonna go watch the old
submarine races, huh?
(laughing)
See ya later.
- Bye!
- Bye!
- Bye!
(laughing)
- That Paula, she's got
one thing on her mind.
- Well.
Most people do more than
just have it on their mind.
- [Boy] Hey Katie!
(laughing)
- [Girl] Hey was that three
or four cheeseburgers?
♫ If you don't tell me why
- [Lester] Evening, Ziegler.
- How are you, Lester?
- Feeling no pain.
Is this guy going off and leaving you?
- I'll be home at Thanksgiving.
- That's still a long time to be alone.
- I think I can manage.
- You still driving for Schultz?
- Nah, I'm gonna blow this town.
There's nothing here for me.
- Where are you going, Lester?
What are you gonna do?
- Don't worry Ziegler, I
always land on my feet.
You going out for basketball this year?
- Nope.
- Well listen, when you come back Ziegler,
we'll play some more one on one.
Unlessin' you're afraid
I'll beat your ass again.
- Katie, we're through.
- Orson, I'd like to finish.
- Couldn't beat it if you
didn't grab it, Lester.
- I can beat you without
cheating, Ziegler.
It's just that it's
more fun making you mad.
Now don't let those rich
college kids show you up, Orson!
'Cause you'll never beat me, Ziegler!
Never!
♫ KISD
- [Orson] Because I don't
respect him, that's why.
He just never takes anything seriously.
And I don't like the way he looks at you.
- [Emily] Orson.
I wish you wouldn't let
him bother you so much.
He's such a loser.
- You're right, he is.
- [Richard Nixon] My fellow Americans.
- He's a loser.
- [Richard Nixon] I come before
you tonight as a candidate
for the vice-presidency and
as a man whose honesty...
- Please change the station.
- Right.
- [Announcer] A home
run put the Browns on...
- [Emily] Orson.
(scanning radio stations)
- [Man] South Dakota's largest...
(singing)
(doo wop music)
- I remember the first
time we came out here
after the junior prom.
And you told me you were
going to Northwestern.
And then go to medical school
either there or at Harvard.
Come back here and work with your father.
I didn't think anybody could have
their future so planned out.
- Well you have to know
where you're going in life.
- I know.
But what happens if things don't work out
exactly like you'd planned?
- I never think about that.
You haven't changed your
mind about our plan?
- You know I'll be waiting.
(moaning)
Will you miss me?
Orson, don't.
We said we wouldn't until...
We said we'd wait.
Wait, my hair's caught.
- Sorry.
You know maybe we should wait.
Until we have some more room.
- [Emily] Orson you don't
have to do everything perfect
the first time.
(clock chiming)
(dog barking)
(children playing)
- That was your father.
He had an emergency at the reservation
and he doubts he can get
to the station in time.
- Damn.
- He wanted to give you
this himself, but...
You know he wanted to see you off
but he has so many
people depending on him.
- [Orson] Tell him thank you.
- We're all very proud of you, Orson.
- I know.
It seems strange being away from home.
- Well you'll make friends quickly.
They're very careful
about who they accept.
I'm sure they've matched you with a boy
of similar character.
Now you must be careful.
- Yes ma'am.
- I'm sure they match boys
with similar backgrounds.
Introduce yourself to the pastor
as soon as you get settled.
Be sure to eat good meals
and get enough rest.
- Yes ma'am.
(light music)
(bike bell ringing)
- I'll carry it up.
- Oh I can carry those.
Why don't you take this?
- [Corky] Just prepare
to lose, prepare to lose.
(chattering)
Hi.
- Hey you two girls up for
a quick game of two on two?
- I don't think they'd be
much competition, Paul.
Definitely intellectual types.
- Yeah, maybe you're right.
They've got good muscle tone but
not enough strength in the bum.
- [Corky] Did you see the
knockers on them though?
- Oh I know.
- Paul I think I'm going to titty heaven.
- Watch your language,
the Mormons have arrived.
- Oh jeez.
- Paul Koshland.
- Hi.
- I'm Corky, Corky Silverstein.
- Orson Ziegler.
- Ziegler!
Ziegler.
You from Brooklyn?
- No, South Dakota.
South Dakota, my god,
that's almost in California.
Isn't it?
- Not quite.
- Just a short hop down
the road from Squaresville.
- So what room you in?
- Um, 14.
- 14.
Hey, good luck Ziegler.
- [Woman] Can I come up?
- [Boy] Mom, bring the light one.
(trumpet music)
- How's it going?
- [Man] Be done as soon as
I have had a chance at him,
to meet Senator Nixon
face to face and talk.
- Excuse me, could you
tell me where room 14 is?
- Well well, look at the
other half of room 14.
- Lucky ducky.
- It's up the stairs and hang a right.
- Thanks.
- [Boy] He's on the second
floor, I'll be right up.
- [Boy] Ooh!
- You're dead, you're dead.
(laughing)
(toilet flushing)
- [Boy] I'm going into
Chicago, you wanna come along?
- [Boy] Where's Chicago?
- Palamountain.
Palamountain.
(squeaking)
(knocking)
(squeaking)
(clears throat)
Hi.
I'm Orson Ziegler.
(speaking foreign language)
Henry Palamountain.
- Well Henry.
I guess we'll be seeing
a lot of each other, hmm?
- Oh you can call me Hub.
Most people do, but if
you want to call me Henry
that's fine.
If you insist, I wouldn't
want to diminish your freedom.
- My freedom?
- You may not want to
call me anything at all.
You see, I've already made
three hopeless enemies
in this dorm.
(phone ringing)
(clears throat)
Excuse me.
- [Boy] Hey, Kern!
Long distance.
- How long have you been here?
- Eight days.
I hitchhiked from Oregon.
- Didn't your parents worry?
- No, you see my parents divorced.
(sitar music)
But my father, he was furious with me
because he wanted me to fly so I told him
why don't you just go and donate the fare
to the Indian Relief Fund.
You see, he never gives
a penny to charity.
- So I guess this bureau is mine.
- Yes, yes it is.
I've given you the better one, of course.
And oh, I've given you
the better mattress.
And the desk without the
glare from the window.
- Thanks.
- Sure.
- Excuse me.
- Excuse me.
Would you rather have my bed?
- Uh, no.
- Would you rather have my desk?
- They're exactly alike.
- No, I don't want any bitterness
or any immature squabbling.
I'm 20 years old, and I
think as the older man here
it is my responsibility to yield.
You see, here.
I would give you the shirt off my back.
- Uh, that's okay.
I have a shirt.
So do I get a spinning wheel too?
- Oh, oh that.
Well see I've been
experimenting with that.
I ordered that from Calcutta
and I spin for half an
hour each day after yoga.
- Yoga?
- Yes, just some of the
elementary positions.
- Ah.
(clears throat)
- Well, I consider myself
Christian Platonist.
I'm strongly influenced by Gandhi.
My bishop at home hates me, and...
Well I've introduced myself
to the bishop here and
I don't think he likes me either.
(knocking)
- Telegram.
- Oh that's for me, that's for me.
- Yes, telegram for Henry Palamountain.
- Ah yes, thank you very much.
- If you could just sign for it please.
- Mm hmm, certainly.
- [Boy] He's strictly a jock.
- [Boy] You're nuts!
- Thank you.
- Thank you very much.
- [Boy] He'll never win with Nixon.
(ripping)
- I think that we should talk about you.
A father who is a doctor.
You were president of your class.
Received straights As in high school.
I received rather mediocre grades myself.
Your father went to medical school here
and believes that this
environment is going to be
very beneficial to you when
you return to practice medicine
in your small, provincial town.
Hmm.
- Wait a minute, how
did you find that out?
- I asked to see your folder
at the dean of student's office.
- What?
- I explained to them
that if they were going
to give me a roommate after
I'd specifically asked
to live alone that I had a
right to information about you
so that I could minimize
possible friction.
- Hey they can't do that,
that's personal information!
- People without convictions
have no power of resistance.
(sighs)
- Why did you come here?
- [Hub] Rafael Damos and Werner Jaeger.
- Friends of yours?
- I went to Damos's house
and I introduced myself
and he's, oh he's a charming,
charming old scholar,
he has a beautiful young wife...
- You mean you didn't even know him?
You just went over to his
house and pushed yourself in?
- Oh, that's not what happened.
I wouldn't describe it in that manner.
I go as a pilgrim and he was
very pleased to talk to me.
- I'm sorry, I didn't mean to...
(sitar music)
(spinning wheel squeaking)
(bells tolling)
(murmuring)
- Boning up for your anatomy class?
- Uh no.
- How'd it go, Hub?
- Well, I've antagonized my advisor.
I told him I have no intention
of fulfilling my science requirement.
- Why not?
- I consider science a demonic
illusion of human arrogance.
Its phantasmal nature is proved
by its constant revision.
Why should I waste an
entire fourth of my time
studying hypotheses that
are gonna be obsolete
by the time I graduate?
- You can't be serious!
- Studying Plato is
much more illuminating.
Than most things.
- Hmm.
Mm hmm.
21 hours is a pretty
heavy load, Mr. Ziegler.
16 to 18 is more average for a freshman.
- Well I think I can handle it.
I was the valedictorian of my high school.
- Mm hmm.
- And I also got the highest grades.
- That's wonderful.
- See I'm planning to go to
med school after my junior year
so I figure that the
extra credits will help.
- You know that there are
over 100 valedictorians
in your freshman class?
I'd advise you to start
out with a regular load.
- Yes sir.
No, classes start tomorrow.
I think I got a pretty good schedule.
- [Mrs. Ziegler] Your father will be upset
that he missed your call.
- Oh yeah, tell him I decided not to take
dissection lab this quarter.
- [Mrs. Ziegler] Oh?
- Yeah the class I wanted was full.
- [Mrs. Ziegler] That's too bad.
How's your roommate?
Orson?
Orson?
- He's fine, we're getting along great.
- [Mrs. Ziegler] Oh good.
Emily was here this afternoon.
(clock ticking)
(meditative chanting)
- Hey Orson!
Hey do you know where history class is?
- Think everybody in the
dorm is in this class.
- Oh one of Hub's professor
friends recommended this guy.
I'm sure we'll all be sorry.
- I think it's up here.
- Hey I hear Hub got out of chemistry.
Didn't he tell you?
- Well he hasn't been around very much.
- Well the wife is
always the last to know.
You go to church every morning.
- Uh huh.
- You praying for good grades already?
- Yeah, it's my secret weapon.
- Ah, sure beats studying.
- It's not that easy.
- This course will survey man's progress.
We'll examine his diverse
cultural, economic,
and political backgrounds.
We will be concerned
with the periods in which
we have the most reasonable records.
(snickering)
When the Assyrians and the
Egyptians were in power.
We'll be interested in how
man deals with progress.
Also how he has dealt
with periods of depression
and unemployment and war
and catastrophe as they grow
ever more frequent.
Five essays and one
term paper are required.
For each day any paper is late
I will deduct one letter grade.
I consider promptness
to be an essential part
of academic achievement.
During the course of the
semester you'll be receiving
some assignments in...
(door creaking)
So good of you to drop in, mister, um...
- Palamountain.
- Mr. Palamountain.
I suppose you're already so familiar
with the history of Western civilization
you consider this course to be irrelevant?
- No sir, no sir.
As a student of philosophy
I consider the entire study
of transient civilizations irrelevant.
(laughing)
- Take a seat, Mr. Palamountain.
I can see we may have some
stimulating discussions
this quarter.
(laughing)
Now where were we?
- I'll have the roast beef please.
- Yeah, definitely roast beef.
- And mashed potatoes.
- Can I have a roll too?
Do you want a roll?
- What is this, a duet?
I'm first.
- Hey, have you guys
heard about the new girl
that Kern is dating?
Now that guy is definitely
going to titty heaven.
- Hey Orson, is there a
cure for tits on the brain?
- Yeah, a week in a phone
booth with Jane Russell.
- I think he's too far gone.
- Your roommate, very, very strange.
- He's not the only one.
(laughing)
- Hey you can't do that.
- Hub, every time I watch you eat
the more I'm convinced
that you're a saint.
- Oh yeah Hub there's
some great shrubs outside
my bedroom window if you
ever want a late night snack.
(laughing)
- Hey, listen to this one!
- You guys aren't gonna
ruin our appetites, are you?
- No.
Silverstein and Koshland, the...
(stammering)
Silverstein and Koshland,
they come from New York City.
- They think that they are lovers
but the girls just say tough titty.
- You guys can't do any better than that?
Sad.
- Really bad, guys.
That was really bad.
- You eat eggs.
- Yes, I do.
- You realize that every
egg from the chicken's
point of view is a newborn baby?
- Oh no but in fact it
isn't unless it's been
fertilized by a rooster.
- But suppose as it sometimes happens
which I happen to know from
working in my uncle's henhouse
that an egg that should be
sterile has been fertilized
and contains an embryo.
(laughing)
- Well if I see it I naturally don't eat
the particular egg.
- But why?
The hen feels the same pain
being parted from its egg
whether it's sterile or fertile
and furthermore the embryo
is unconscious, a vegetable.
As a vegetarian you should
eat it with particular relish.
(laughing)
- [Hub] As a vegetarian...
- Do you mind?
It seems to me that the
psychoanalysis of a hen
is hardly relevant at the lunch table.
- Hey Hub, Hub.
What's the word on milk?
Don't calves drink milk?
Maybe you're taking the milk
out of some calf's mouth?
- No, no.
As anyone except someone from
New York would understand...
(oohing)
- Painful, painful.
- Milch cows have weaned their calves.
- Weaned?
(laughing)
- What I wonder, Hub, is
what about your shoes?
You wear leather shoes.
- I do.
- Point Orson.
Ding dong.
What about your wallet and your belt?
- The animal has already
been slaughtered, Orson.
- But buying these things
encourages the slaughter.
You're just as much a
murderer as the rest of us.
More of one because you think about it.
- My belt, I believe,
is a form of plastic.
My wallet was given to
me by my mother years ago
before I even became a vegetarian.
But my shoes are a problem.
There is a firm that
makes non-leather shoes
for extreme vegetarians,
but they're very expensive
and they're not comfortable
and I have compromised.
I apologize.
I suppose for that matter
when I play the piano
I encourage the slaughter of elephants.
(laughing)
And when I brush my teeth I use a brush
made out of pig bristles.
I'm covered with blood.
I play daily for forgiveness.
- Thank you for the nauseating
conversation, gentlemen.
- There are perfectly wearable
shoes made out of canvas.
With crepe and rubber soles.
- I'll have to look into that.
Sound a little sporty to me.
(laughing)
- [Corky] That's it for me.
Hey who's for catching
a flick and checking out
the local action?
- Yeah!
- Yeah.
- Say Orson, why don't you come along?
We could use that perfectionist eye
to lookie lookie for a
little nookie nookie.
- He doesn't need your
degenerate activities, Koshland.
He's got his own honey in South Dakota.
- That's right, and she
writes him every day.
- How do you know that?
- [Philip] Hub told us.
- It's alright, he just
wanted to make sure we knew
that you were, uh, normal.
(laughing)
(whispering)
(shushing)
- Excuse me.
Could you tell me where
University Hall is?
- Um, I think it's over there.
- Oh, you dropped your pencil.
- Oh, thank you.
- Are you headed that way?
- No, I think it's closed right now.
- Well which way are you headed?
- Oh, I've got to get home.
- Keep track of your pencil.
(giggles)
- Oh, thanks.
Goodnight.
- Goodnight.
- [Man] I'm sure if we
recall that book McCarthyism,
that fight for America, it
is a carefully documented
history of the fight to expose communists,
bad security risks, and
the dupes and stooges
of the Kremlin who have been and still are
in our federal government.
- Senator...
- May I say this also?
- [Man] I'm sorry that our time is up.
(switches radio off)
- [Orson Voiceover] Dear Emily.
Even though I've only been here two weeks,
it seems like two months since I saw you.
It's probably because of the
amount of work I've been doing.
Just when I'm sure that
they can't possibly
give us more, they do.
I barely have time to do my laundry.
(thumping)
(pensive music)
Doesn't seem to bother Hub, though.
He audits two extra courses,
wrestles three times a week,
spends two afternoons supervising
slum boys and orphans,
takes piano lessons, and
is always attending free
evening lectures and readings.
He also manages to wrangle tea invitations
from the two professors he
met and from the local bishop.
Sometimes I feel like I'm living alone.
Each of the other roommates
are very different,
but they form some kind
of bond between them.
In a way I envy them.
- Now that's ridiculous.
- [Greg] He was an atheist!
- No you have to understand,
to refine your conception
of things.
- Hi, how was the lecture?
- It was a waste of time.
Just because he didn't believe in prayer
doesn't mean that he was an atheist.
- For Christ sake, how
could he be religious
if he was against prayer?
- Who?
- Voltaire.
- I found it, here it is.
Voltaire was religious,
but he wasn't religious
in the orthodox sense.
He believed God endowed man
with the reason and feelings
of benevolence needed to
gain happiness in life,
but he also believed
God created the universe
according to laws that cannot be altered
by the prayers of men.
- There.
You see?
Cannot be altered by the prayers of man.
To me that means he thought
praying was a waste of time
and if he felt that way, he
sure as hell wasn't religious.
- No no no no no, all that
means is that he believes
there wasn't any justice in the world.
For instance, the good are often punished,
the wicked rewarded, and
prayer doesn't even effect that
so why pray?
And I know I have it in here somewhere
and I'm gonna find it.
- Do you think prayer
is a waste of time, Hub?
- Huh?
- Do you think prayer is a waste of time?
- No, I don't think
prayer is a waste of time.
Voltaire does, but I believe that prayer
has a definite purpose.
I suppose it involves looking
for God within yourself.
- Well yeah, but where does that lead?
- I don't know where it leads,
but I know that it begins with myself.
- Orson thinks prayer means
asking God for favors.
- You don't know what
you're talking about!
It's a lot more complicated than that.
- You know, it is impossible
to have an intellectual
argument around here.
- No I have...
- Let's go find a decent argument.
- You know, Nietzsche said God is dead,
but he didn't mean in
the deus point of view
meaning God was alive at one point.
(door shuts)
(sitar music)
(clears throat)
- What makes you such
an authority on prayer?
You never pray.
(meditative chanting)
(thumping)
Dawson would you just shut up!
(meditative chanting)
How do you expect to get decent
grades if you don't study?
- I'm confident I'll
get by, I always have.
You, on the other hand,
will never be satisfied
with just getting by.
- Most people would agree
that studying before a quiz
is normal.
- Yes, but from my perspective
spending all of your time
pursuing grades instead of considering
more profound matters isn't normal.
- Profound matters?
- Orson.
Why are you so concerned
about my study habits?
- I'm sorry, I was under
the strange impression
that roommates are
supposed to be concerned
about each other.
- Well you see I have
this feeling that it isn't
so much concern as it is your
need to make value judgments.
- Oh, Jesus.
- If you weren't so intolerant of people
you might be tolerable yourself.
- Look if you wanna sit here
and hum your brains out,
go ahead!
Just don't do it when I'm reading!
- I'm sorry.
- I mean what do you
do, sit up late at night
and think of new ways to
bug the crap out of me?
- Yes, I do.
It's the little things
like that that fill up
the emptiness in my life.
(knocking)
- Telegram.
Excuse me.
- [Delivery Man] Yes, Henry Palamountain.
I have a telegram for you.
- Right.
- Sign for it please.
- Mm hmm.
(phone ringing)
- Thank you very much.
- Thank you very much.
(ripping)
- [Boy] Hey Kern, long distance!
- Why don't you ever read those telegrams?
- I know what they say.
The Portland draft board is after me.
They refuse to recognize
any conscientious objectors
except Quakers and Mennonites.
My bishop agrees with them.
- You can't ignore your draft board!
(meditative chanting)
- I'm sorry if I've
offended your patriotism.
- No you're not.
(sighs)
- Oh!
- Come on, Silverstein!
(laughs)
- Hey that's a foul.
- No it's not.
- Come on!
Yeah!
(claps)
- Hey Orson.
Do you wanna get in on this?
(shouts)
- Hey, Ziegler.
- Ziegler!
- Wanna play?
- Hey, you're a ringer Ziegler.
- Nah, maybe some other time.
I gotta study.
- Setting a bad example for us, Ziegler.
- Study?
- He's gotta study?
- Hey Hub!
- Hubba hubba!
- Hubba!
- [Philip] Hey Orson,
what is Hub's secret?
- [Paul] Maybe I should
become a vegetarian.
(laughing)
(applauding)
(sitar music)
(whispering)
- You have very beautiful
hair, that's all.
- [Calvin] Hub said
she had beautiful hair.
- Hub said that she had beautiful hair.
- Hub said she had beautiful hair.
- Just after the show outside,
I just have to talk to you, just briefly,
just for a couple minutes.
- Okay.
- Really?
Oh, great.
Great then, great.
Henry Palamountain.
(murmuring)
- That was more boring than registration.
- Larsen, that cynical facade you put up
is gonna be the downfall
of you in the future.
- [Charles] Hey, look at Hub.
Even a saint can be human too.
- A saint must be human
otherwise he's not a saint.
- It really is a science
project but it is science.
(murmuring)
(tense music)
(clock ticking)
(bells chiming)
- Just hand them to me Cal,
one by one, hand them to me.
I told him not to work in here.
- What am I gonna do?
- I'll just have to retype it.
It's 20 pages too long anyway.
(laughing)
- Hey, Larsen.
We got a good one.
My name is Larsen Petersen
and my roommate is in a real panic.
Come on.
- Like any good mommy, I handle him calmly
so he'll grow up to be schizophrenic.
(laughing)
(crying)
(sitar music)
(spinning wheel squeaking)
- What the hell is that?
- Hair.
- Human hair?
- Yes, and did you know
that it spins much better
than cotton?
- Whose hair is it?
- Oh it's that girl I met at the concert.
She's very nice.
- This is her hair?
- She said that she was
gonna cut it all off
next spring anyway and I...
(banging)
(trumpet music)
(banging)
- What are you gonna do with it?
- Thought I'd spin it into a rope
and make a knot of it
so it can't come undone
and then I'd just give it do her.
Then she'll have her
hair just the way it was
when she was 18.
- How the hell did you talk that poor girl
into cutting her hair off?
- I didn't talk her into it.
I merely offered and
then she thought it was
a lovely idea.
Really Orson, I don't see
why this should offend
your bourgeois scruples.
Or maybe you just don't understand women.
They cut their hair all the time.
I'm sure Emily would cut her hair...
- Hey just leave Emily
out of this, alright?
- I was just trying to illustrate a point.
- What point, there is no point!
You cut somebody's hair off!
She must think you're insane!
She was humoring you, that's...
- My sanity was not raised as an issue.
- Well I think you're insane, Hub.
I think you're a nut!
(record needle scratches)
Sorry.
- I'm sorry.
- Oh is that part of
Hub's required reading?
- You're Hub's roommate, aren't you?
- Yeah.
Yeah and you're the girl
with the long red hair.
- Um, thank you.
(knocking)
- Hey where's Orson?
- Probably studying at the library.
- Hey, have we got a great one.
- Spare me.
- No no, it's a bet!
How long do you think it
would take Orson to notice
one of these is moved.
- I said five minutes, what do you say?
- Hey guys.
Hey Hub.
- Hey Carter, you wanna
get in on the pool?
One buck.
- What pool?
- We're betting how long
it'll take Orson to notice
his toothpaste is moved.
(laughing)
- You're kidding!
- I bet two minutes.
- You're not kidding?
- Hey come on, what do you think?
I bet five minutes and
Petersen bet three and a half.
- Hmm, eight minutes.
- Oh, easy money.
- What do you say, Hub?
- Hey yeah Hub,
what do you think?
- 27 seconds.
(laughing)
(claps)
- [Man] Has elected General
Dwight D. Eisenhower
as their president.
In our democracy, this
is the way we decide
who shall govern us.
I accept the decision as representing
the will of the people and
I shall give my support
to the government they have selected.
I ask all my fellow citizens
to do the same thing.
I came in down on the street how I felt.
(speaking foreign language)
A fellow townsman of ours
used to tell, Abraham Lincoln.
- Has he been in there since this morning?
- Yeah.
(speaking foreign language)
- [Man] But it hurt too much to laugh.
- Hi Orson.
- Hi Orson.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- How's it going?
- Okay.
Alright, which one of you
guys used my toothpaste?
(laughing)
- 25 seconds.
- Hub, did you use my toothpaste?
- Your toothpaste?
- Yeah.
- I use seaweed powder, why
would I want to use toothpaste?
(laughing)
- What the hell is that?
- It's a parking meter.
- I can see that!
Where'd you get it?
- I'm not gonna talk to you
unless you stop being hysterical.
- I'm not hysterical.
(knocking)
- Hey what's up?
- What's going on?
- You looked like Quasimodo
running through the lobby.
- He's castrated a parking meter.
- No I did not.
A car went out of control
on Chicago Avenue,
knocked it down the
head was in the gutter,
I picked it up, I carried it away.
I was afraid that somebody
might be tempted to steal it.
- Oh, I'm glad nobody did!
- Nobody tried to stop you?
- They were all gathered
around the driver.
- Oh, was he hurt?
- I don't know, I didn't look.
- You didn't look!
Oh you're a great Samaritan, Hub.
- Well I'm not prey to morbid curiosity.
- Where were the cops?
- They hadn't arrived yet.
- Well why didn't you
wait until they got there
and then give the meter to them?
- Now why should I give it
to the agents of the state?
It's no more theirs than it is mine.
- But it is, it is theirs!
- Oh no, this was an act of providence
that placed this in my hands.
Actually I don't really know which charity
should receive this meter head.
(laughing)
- Hub, that's stealing!
- This is not stealing any
more than the state is stealing
when they make people pay
money to park their car.
- Hub, you take that
parking meter back right now
or we're both going to
jail, you understand?
- I'm not afraid.
Going to jail under a totalitarian regime
is a mark of honor.
Of course, if you had a conscience
you would understand that.
- If I had a conscience?
What do you mean if I had a conscience?
Get back here!
- Guys just stop that!
- Hey come on!
- Hey wait a second.
- Hey come on you guys.
- Whoa come on, come
on, come on, whoa, whoa!
- Would you guys cut it out?
Hey!
- Calm down, will you calm down?
Calm down!
(sighing)
You alright?
- Yeah.
- [Dr. Ziegler] And we thank
thee oh lord for the abundance
placed before us and
vow to repay thy grace
with thoughts of goodness
and deeds of thanksgiving.
Amen.
- [All] Amen.
- Amen.
- Well, it's good to have you home, son.
- It's good to be here.
- How are you doing at school, Orson?
- Well I really won't know
for a couple weeks at least.
- Emily has missed you.
She's visited your mother every week.
- Yes, and I want you to
know Emily hasn't been
seeing any other boys.
Even though she's been
asked out several times.
- That's very nice.
- I was only asked out once.
- Orson, I want you to take more food.
You look pale.
Have you been eating enough?
- I'm alright Mom, I'm fine.
- How are you and your
roommate getting along?
- Oh, just fine.
- That's good.
It's important to learn how to get along
with a lot of different
people in this world.
Especially in our business.
(phone ringing)
- What church does he attend, Orson?
- Uh, he sort of has his own religion.
It's informal.
- Hello?
- Well why don't you
invite him to attend church with you?
- Oh yes, how are you?
- Uh, I don't think he would go.
Dad, do you think a
person can be religious
even if they don't pray?
- Mm.
That's a subject that's
worthy of discussion.
- It's Mrs. Warren.
Tommy's temperature is up to 104.
- You see what it's like being
the only doctor in this town?
I'm sorry ladies, please excuse me.
Perhaps we can talk about
that when we have more time.
(zipping)
(sniffling)
- You alright?
- Yeah.
- Why are you crying?
- I'm okay.
- I'm sorry.
- About what?
- That it wasn't better,
it's all my fault, I'm sorry.
- It's not that.
- Then what is it?
- It just seemed like
we haven't hardly talked
since you've been back.
It seems like all you're
interested in is sex.
- That's...(sighs) that's not...
(sighs)
It's just that I've had a
lot of things on my mind, so.
- Well does it have
anything to do with us?
- It's just my roommate, I...
I tried getting along with him
but we'd just end up arguing.
When the other guys kid
him or knock his ideas,
he treats it like some kind of game
but when I do it he acts
like I'm attacking him.
He just...
He never does anything normal.
- Sounds like Lester.
- Lester?
- Yeah, you know.
How you used to get so
mad because he never
plays by the rules or anything?
- What are you talking about?
Hub isn't anything like Lester!
- I'm sorry.
- Lester?
- Why did you tell your
father that you and Hub
were getting along fine?
- You know what he expects of me.
How can I tell him my
roommate is driving me crazy?
He'd never understand that.
- Why don't you move to another room?
- Because he's my roommate,
I'm supposed to get along with him!
- Well what are you gonna do?
- I don't know, god.
Maybe I shouldn't even be in
school, maybe I should enlist.
- Look, it's not that bad.
Could be worse.
He could be a communist.
- He just hasn't gotten around to it yet.
(light music)
- [Hub] It won't bite.
(trumpet music)
- [Orson] What the hell
happened to my bed?
- Oh I just let some of my orphans use it.
They needed a rest from
their normal drudgery.
Oh I knew that you wouldn't mind.
Charity is a tenet of
your religion, isn't it?
You said that, didn't you?
- Right.
- Oh hi Joey.
Joey, this is Orson, my friend,
and Orson, this is Joey.
- Hi Joey.
- [Hub] Joey listen,
would you do me a favor?
Just go and put the towel
in the closet for me, okay?
(thumping)
(crashes)
- I've tried that, it doesn't work.
- Mr. Ziegler, if I allowed
every student to move
just because he had an
argument with his roommate
I'd be running a shuttle service here.
- You don't understand.
It's not just an argument.
We can't get along.
(sighs)
Look, he asked to live
alone when he came here.
Even he knows he's
impossible to live with.
(sighs)
- Let me take some information
and I'll look into it.
I don't think we've got any other space
this late in the quarter, but...
Ziegler.
- Yeah.
(typewriter clacking)
- [Calvin] Despite the hoards of critics...
- [Larsen] Whores of critics?
- [Calvin] Hoards, hoards of critics!
- [Larsen] Alright, I'm sorry.
Hoards.
- Emmanuel Kant never meant
his theories to be used...
- Kant never is a double negative, Cal.
- Kant!
K-A- ...
Kant is his last name!
Shit, now look what you made me do.
- Hey Orson, how was your vacation?
- Uh, pretty good.
How was Duluth?
- Cal needed some help with his paper
so I stuck around here.
- I didn't need help.
I'm perfectly capable
of doing my own paper.
You know damn well the
only reason you stayed
is to get that material from me!
(dramatic classical music)
- How do you put up with each other?
- We don't put up with each other, Orson.
We live together.
(clears throat)
- So what did you do on Thanksgiving?
- Oh, we were gonna have dinner with Hub,
but he and Barbara celebrated with a fast.
- Barbara, who's Barbara?
- That redhead he spent vacation with.
- Oh yeah, Barbara, sure.
- Rooming with Hub sounds
a lot more interesting
than living with a
certified child prodigy.
- Yeah, it's a gas.
- Are you still making fun of me?
- Listen, I'll see you later.
- [Calvin] Are you?
- Cal, you're overreacting.
- I'm getting upset for no reason?
- I think we need a break.
- I'm gonna finish it!
(gentle music)
(smacks)
- That is a perfect example
of your total disregard for
anything different from you.
- It's only a roach.
- Well I was trying to catch it
and put it outside the window.
- Well I'm sorry, where I
come from we kill roaches.
It's just what we do.
- Well of course, of course you would.
I'm learning to live with
nature, you're learning to kill.
Today your shoe, tomorrow the bomb.
- Look if you want to
live with bugs that's fine
because I'm moving!
I made arrangements to move out of here.
- [Hub] Wonderful, I hope your next victim
can live up to your standards!
- My standards?
What are my standards, Hub?
What are my standards, that I
like to study before my tests?
Or that I pray right side
up instead of upside down?
Are those my standards?
Or that I don't bring
parking meters home for pets
or that I care about people?
- And I don't care about people?
- You're were more concerned
about that goddamn meter
than you were about the people in the car
that knocked it over.
- Let me tell you something, Orson.
Let me tell you something.
You couldn't even begin to
understand what I care about.
- I don't think anybody can!
I don't care!
- Good, I'm glad you don't care!
(door slams)
(pensive music)
- [Charles] Exam on the first essay
directions were alright, no no.
- [Boy] What'd you do with the second one?
- [Larsen] Hey, Orson!
How'd you do?
- Okay.
Alright I guess.
- Uh oh.
That note of uncertainty
makes me wonder if I want you
as my family doctor.
(laughing)
- Hey Hub, you know you
should have warned me
you were coming to that exam.
I nearly flipped when I
turned around and saw you.
- I couldn't believe you left that early.
Did you cream it?
- Most of the questions were so insipid
I didn't even bother with them.
(laughing)
(whispering)
- What effect did Nietzsche
have on the pro-Nazi movement?
How could he let any of...
I'm not gonna get blamed for something
that I know that is true.
That was a trick question!
- I think he blew philosophy.
- [Charles] Wow.
- Fellow Pavlovian dogs.
We've suffered their tortures.
We've jumped through their hoops!
The laws of nature demand reciprocity.
(laughing)
It is time we unshackled our
bonds and praised Bacchus!
Who's for getting smashed?
Are you coming, Orson?
- Come on, let's go!
- Come on Orson!
- Come on, Orson.
- Oh are you gonna start studying
for next quarter already?
- Orson, let's go.
- Come on, come on!
- That's my boy!
- Woo!
(chattering)
- You guys, what's going on?
What's going on, guys?
- You wanna check it out?
- Yeah.
- Party time at NU.
- I think this
is where Bacchus is.
- Let's go!
(cheering and shouting)
- [Crowd] We want panties!
We want panties!
We want panties!
We want panties!
We want panties!
We want panties!
We want panties!
We want panties!
(cheering and hollering)
More, more, more, more, more!
We want panties!
We want panties!
We want panties!
(hollering)
More, more, more, more, more!
- Silverstein, hey Corky!
- Hey, how you guys doing?
- Hey how's it going, man?
- Great!
- Did you take those off somebody?
- No man, are you kidding me?
I got them out of a drawer.
I would have got more
but some girls ran in.
(laughing)
I'm not kidding.
Hey you guys, Paul is in there
trying to convince some girls
to givin' him the ones
that they're wearing.
- No!
- No kiddin'!
- That's great man.
(cheering)
- Victory!
(splashing)
(hollering and cheering)
- You ever see one of these?
- No, it's fun, isn't it?
- What's the point?
I mean, what's the main idea?
- They try to get inside and get panties.
- Oh.
- It's kind of a game.
- What do they do with them?
- They keep 'em!
- They ever give 'em back?
- No.
- Victory is ours!
- Doesn't that get kind of expensive?
- No, it's just for fun!
Those are my friends!
- Come on Orson!
Don't just stand there, come on Orson!
Let's go!
(cheering and clapping)
(laughing)
(hollering)
- Woo!
Woo!
(chanting)
- [All] Glug, glug, glug, glug, woo!
(clapping)
(belches)
- Next.
- I'll try again.
- Yeah right Carter, you're
never gonna beat him.
- Hey!
- Oh no Paul no, you need
some real competition.
How about Ziegler.
- Yeah!
(laughing)
Ziegler, come on!
(clapping)
- Yeah, come on, do it, come on.
- Waitress, a pitcher of Mill please.
- It'll give you something to remember
while you're delivering
babies out in Connersville.
(laughing)
- Let's see it, come on, let's do it!
- Zieg!
- He's gonna do it, okay.
Okay.
(sings note)
♫ Here's to Ziegler he's true blue
♫ He's a drunkard through and through
♫ He's a drunkard so they say
♫ He wants to go to heaven
but he's goin' the other way
♫ So drink chugalug chugalug chugalug
♫ Chugalug chugalug chugalug
♫ Chugalug chugalug chugalug
♫ Chugalug chugalug
(cheering)
Did you see this?
No, you didn't even finish!
- What a man, what a man.
- It was easy.
- [Paul] Hey Ziegler,
what's Emily gonna say, huh?
(chuckling)
- Okay, here you go.
- Oh great, more soldiers.
What is this?
- Hey Root, come here.
- Get outta here.
- God I think I'm in titty heaven.
(laughing)
(chattering)
Make sure Ziegler gets his.
That's it, that's it.
Come on Ziegler, it's always
easier the second time around.
(clapping)
What a man, what a man.
- Hey Orson, listen to this one.
- We made it up in your honor.
- Uh oh.
- Hey you guys aren't gonna
wreck this one up though are ya?
- My name is Orson Ziegler
and I come from South Dakota.
- I tend to be a niggler
and I masturbate by quota.
(laughing)
- You guys finally got one, that's great.
Congratulations.
- Thank you.
- Mr. Dawson.
Mr. Kern.
- [Boy] Where is the bathroom?
- Come on, they were just having fun.
- [Boy] Can we have some more popcorn?
(banging on table)
- Here's to the apostle
of vegetanarianism.
Saint Henry Palamountain in abstentia!
- [All] To Hub, to Hub!
(glasses clinking)
- [Barbara] Hey, how come
you're not toasting Hub?
- 'Cause I hate him.
- Yeah, come on.
- I dunno.
I don't think Orson really hates Hub.
- Yeah I do, I hate the bastard.
- Ah, stop it.
- Why?
- Why?
Because he's weird!
Did you know he walked
out of the history exam?
Just walked out of the final exam!
- So what?
- Why is he at college?
If he's not gonna go to class
and he's not gonna study
and if he's not gonna take
the exams, why is he here?
- He's here to drive you crazy, Ziegler.
(laughing)
He's doing a good job.
- What about all that mail that he gets
from those political organizations?
And you know what else he does?
He tears up his draft notices.
- He does?
- Yeah!
- Well maybe I've misjudged the poor lad.
- Orson's afraid when they come for Hub
that they're gonna lock him up too.
(laughing)
- [Boy] Can't find the bathroom!
- And he exaggerates!
Oh god, he exaggerates everything.
You ought to see how he prays!
- Hub prays?
- Sure he does.
He sits in the middle of
the room and folds his legs
up like a pretzel and sings
these words to himself
that he doesn't know what they mean.
He sits there and goes
(meditative chanting).
(laughing)
I mean I pray too but I don't
make a spectacle of myself!
- Ha!
But Hub is a saint.
- That's right, that's right.
I would marry him tomorrow if he had tits.
- He's not, he's not a saint.
He's not even intelligent.
You know all those Greek books
that he says that he's read?
Well I looked in them.
The only reason that they're
worn is that he bought 'em
second hand, I mean is
that pretentious or what?
- Ah.
- I don't think that Ziegler
feels this way about Hub.
I just don't think that's, no, no!
- No that's not the way
Orson the parson thinks.
- [Corky] Hey wait is is Orson the parson
or Orson the person?
- I think Hub is the nub.
- Right, or perhaps he's the rub.
- You know, I think
you're missing the point
of what Hub is about.
I think...
- No!
I know goddamn well what
he thinks he's about
but he's a fake!
Don't you see?
He's a phony!
All that vegetarian,
vegetarianism and loving
those goddamn orphans,
I mean, that's a joke!
In my opinion, he is a cold bastard.
He's the coldest person
I've ever met in my life.
- You're not being fair.
Hub cares about other people.
I think he cares what other
people think about him, too.
- Oh come on.
- [Hub] Orson.
- [Greg] Asking God for favors.
- [Orson] He's not a saint!
- [Hub] Orson.
- You son of a bitch, get out of here!
(ball bouncing)
- [Emily] Sounds like Lester.
- [Lester] You'll never
beat me Ziegler, never!
(cheering and clapping)
(thunder rumbling)
- [Emily] All you're interested in is sex.
(sitar music)
- [Hub] You just don't understand women,
they cut their hair all the time.
(thunder rumbling)
(distorted shouting)
- [Orson] I hate him!
He's a cold bastard!
- [Dr. Ziegler] It's important to learn
how to get along with a
lot of different people.
- [Mrs. Ziegler] I'm sure they match boys
with similar backgrounds.
- [Hub] I hope your next victim
can live up to your standards!
- [Greg] Prayer means
asking God for favors.
- [Corky] Here to drive
you crazy, Ziegler.
- [Orson] Lester?
- [Calvin] It'll be
alright in the morning!
- [Orson] Lester?
Lester!
- [Hub] Today the shoe, tomorrow the bomb.
(laughing)
(distorted voices overlapping)
(rain beating on window)
- [Larsen] Help!
Oh god!
- [Calvin] You're gonna call the cops!
- [Larsen] No no I won't
Calvin, you'll be okay!
- [Calvin] California, I
gotta get out to California!
- Cal, come on!
(footsteps thumping)
Cal, no!
(speaking foreign language)
- Take it easy Cal, just
take it easy, alright?
Nobody's gonna hurt you.
Nobody's gonna hurt you.
You're here.
This is Chapin Hall, you're at school.
Think about it.
- Come on Cal, come back to the room!
- Come on Cal!
- No I gotta get outside!
- No Cal, it'll be okay!
- I gotta get out west
where there's room for God!
- Cal, you gotta stay right here!
- You're right, Cal.
Guys, it's a little bit
crowded in here, okay?
Could you give him some more space?
Cal.
Now I've been out west
because I grew up there,
and I know the territory very well Cal
and if God is gonna be anywhere
he's gonna be out there.
That's right.
Cal.
Look, if you're feeling
up to it, I want to know,
can I go with you?
Yeah?
You wanna go with me?
You will?
That's great, that means
we can go together.
You cold?
Okay, come on.
Let's go together, okay?
Let's go find God, Cal.
Alright.
He's been expecting you Cal,
he's been expecting you.
It's alright, it's good.
Good.
You know what?
I saw him.
I saw him.
I did.
- Jesus.
I'll be damned.
- How is he?
- I don't know.
I knew he was flipping out
when he wanted to go
out west and find God.
- That's a long way to go in the raw.
- Hey Hub.
- Hey what'd they say?
- [Corky] Yeah, what's up?
- Well they told me they're
gonna send him back to Maine.
They told me that the problem was Oedipal
but I had a long talk
with the psychologist.
Well he's not gonna be able
to finish out the year.
- Well I think Cal would have hurt himself
if it wasn't for you, Hub.
Thanks a lot.
- Yeah you know, you
were really incredible
the way you came down that
hallway and you were shouting.
- Shouting?
Sorry.
- Yeah but we understood
what you were getting at.
- Oh that's good.
I didn't.
(laughing)
I'm gonna go get some breakfast.
I'll see you later, okay guys?
- Okay, see ya Hub.
- Take it easy.
- See ya Hub.
(tense music)
- Sure moves fast for a little guy.
- No that's a friend of his.
She's probably consoling him.
- What for?
- That redhead gave him the royal shaft.
- What happened to your spinning wheel?
- I've lost my enthusiasm for spinning.
- She didn't like the hair, huh?
- Well.
She wasn't exactly ecstatic.
I guess there's space
in Petersen's room now.
- Yeah, I know.
- You guys are Danny and Chris
gonna meet us there or what?
- Yeah I think they are.
- Who's driving?
- I am.
- Oh good.
Wait just a minute for me, okay?
- Okay.
- Hi.
- Hi.
How are you?
- Fine.
How are you?
- Okay.
Listen, the reason I came
by was, (sighs) well,
because I gotta know something.
- Okay.
- Did you break up with Hub
because of what I said at the bar?
- Um, what happened between Hub and me
had nothing to do with you.
- Because I feel like I was
wrong about him and I...
He's just been so down lately, I...
I thought it might have
something to do with you.
- If Hub's upset I think
it's probably because
you're moving out.
- Because...
Because I'm mov...
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Did he tell you that?
- Look, you should be
talking to Hub about this.
Why are you talking to me?
My friends are waiting, I've gotta go.
- Okay.
- Bye.
- Bye.
Thanks.
(ball bouncing)
Silverstein?
- Hey, Ziegler!
- What are you doing out here?
It's snowing!
- Yeah.
- But that's crazy.
- Hey in Brooklyn that's a way of life.
Wanna play?
Oh come on, you're not gonna
let a little snow stop you!
What kind of parson are you?
Come on.
(ball bouncing)
- You know basketball may be
a wintertime sport Silverstein
but they usually play it inside.
- I thought you guys from the Midwest
were made of stronger stuff.
- Alright, alright.
- Hey what's your game?
- One on one.
- Not bad, Ziegler.
Your ass is grass, Ziegler.
- Not bad, Silverstein.
(jazzy music)
That's enough, that's good for me.
I'm out of shape.
- You coulda fooled me.
You're damn good, Ziegler.
Hey why don't you go out for the varsity?
- Well I came here to study.
Besides, I wouldn't be that
good if I played varsity.
- How come?
- I'd probably take it too seriously.
Well, thanks for the game Corky.
(jazzy music)
- Anytime, Parson.
(chuckling)
(knocking)
(door shuts)
(bed creaking)
(gentle music)
- [Orson Voiceover] Dear Mom.
I did alright on my
exams, three As and a B.
Hub pulled two Bs and two Cs.
Not bad considering he hardly studied.
Kern, Carter, and Silverstein did well.
- [Teddy] Hey Hub,
Koshland and Silverstein
were looking for you.
- [Hub] Where are they?
- [Teddy] They're next door.
I'll tell them you're back.
- Thanks, Teddy.
(door opens and shuts)
(rapid knocking)
- Orson, Hub!
Nobody move!
We got this place surrounded, nobody move!
- Hey Orson.
- Hey we brought this for ya.
- What is this?
- [Corky] There it is, that's for you.
- [Paul] Hey go ahead, read it, read it.
- Yup.
- Please take good care of my baby.
- [Paul] Yes, that's right, yes.
Now be sure to give us a call
if you need money for bail.
- Yeah hey look, we're
gonna take up a collection.
Shouldn't take more than two,
three months to get you out.
- Ah well that's alright,
I've prepared a three year
reading list just in case.
- [Corky] Ah good, good.
- We got to be hitting
the beat, eh Clancy?
- Yeah, we gotta go
torment some other people.
See you guys later.
- You've made me very
grateful, very, you know.
(laughing)
Would you care to accompany
me to the police station
so that I can make sure this is delivered
into the proper hands?
- I don't care what you do with it.
- You don't care?
- Nope.
- Ah, you don't care.
Fine.
I remember when you were
trying to crush my ribs
because I wouldn't return this.
- Yeah.
Well, a lot has happened since then.
- When are you moving?
I told them in the beginning
that I ought to live alone.
- You were right.
I think we shouldn't
live together next year.
- Actually you can move in
with Petersen right now.
- You're right, I could.
But I've decided to wait.
- You've decided to wait?
- Yep.
- Well.
Great.
I guess that means I'll have to keep
the brass buttons on my uniform polished
for inspection, right?
Aye aye, captain.
Oh, and I'll have to
refrain from breathing
so that I don't disturb
your order of things,
and I'll have to do
things the way you and God
have decided...
- Hub.
- The way they're supposed to be done.
Orson, do you know what your problem is?
You think that the referee
in this game is fair!
- Hub, I...
- If you play by the
rules, you're gonna win.
Well let me tell you something!
Life is not fair, and there are no rules!
There are no rules at all!
- Hub, look, I'm not gonna
fight with you anymore
because we never agree about anything.
- Oh you're absolutely right,
we don't agree about anything.
- Right.
- Wait a minute, did we... did
we just agree about something?
- What?
- No I think that we just
agreed about something.
- Right, we agreed that we never agree.
- Right.
That's right.
Of course.
(sighs)
Well well well well well.
Perhaps there is some
hope for you after all.
- For me?
You think so, huh?
- Well I'm just giving you
the benefit of the doubt, of course.
- Well thank you, that
makes me feel a lot better.
(laughing)
Oh god.
What an arrogant son of a bitch.
- Is that what you think?
- Yes, that's what I think.
(wind rustling)
(meditative Eastern music)
(spinning wheel squeaking)
(phone ringing)
- [Adult Orson] Hello?
- [Adult Hub] Is this Dr. Ziegler?
- [Adult Orson] Yes, who's this?
- [Adult Hub] This is a saint.
- [Adult Orson] I'm sorry?
- [Adult Hub] Hey, parson!
- [Adult Orson] Hub?
- [Adult Hub] Yeah, Hub, how are ya?
- [Adult Orson] I'm fine, how are you?
- [Adult Hub] I'm great, I'm great.
I just got back to
Washington and I decided
to look up some of the guys from the dorm.
My god, it's been 25 years, huh?
- [Adult Orson] Yeah it's
hard to believe, isn't it?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- [Adult Hub] Well you
been in touch with anybody?
- [Adult Orson] Well I tell
you I ran into Silverstein
last year at a conference
in San Francisco.
He said you had gone into
a theological seminary?
- [Adult Hub] Uh huh, uh huh.
I spent a few years as an assistant rector
of a parish in Baltimore.
- Uh huh.
- [Adult Hub] Well actually
I became a little bit
of a celebrity 'cause I was playing piano
in a cocktail lounge and
I insisted on wearing
my clerical collar.
(chuckling)
Then I went over to South Africa
and I was preaching among
the Bantus for a while
until the government asked me to leave,
and then after that I
went over to Madagascar
and I was a combination missionary,
political agitator, and soccer coach.
(chuckling)
- Boy.
So what are you doing now?
- [Adult Hub] Well I'm
with the state department.
Didn't you get any of my cards?
- [Adult Orson] Oh, yes, yes.
I meant to write but I...
- Well that's alright.
You know, I didn't really
expect an answer, but...
I tracked Cal Fitch down.
- Hmm.
- [Adult Hub] Yeah, he's a
psychiatrist in Beverly Hills.
(laughs)
- No kidding.
- Mm hmm.
- [Adult Orson] Well I'll be damned.
He sure deserves a lot of credit
for coming back like he did.
- [Adult Hub] Yeah.
Sounds like you're doing
what you always planned to do though.
You caring for the sick
and needy of Connersville?
- [Adult Orson] Yeah, yeah.
- [Adult Hub] Outstanding
member of the Kiwanis
and the Chamber of Commerce and I'm sure
you and Emily are married
and you have a fine family.
- [Adult Orson] Well we have two children.
As a matter of fact my son
Eddie leaves for Northwestern
next week.
He'll be pre-med.
- [Adult Hub] Well you know what they say,
the more things change, the
more they stay the same.
(laughs)
- Yep.
- Uh huh.
- [Adult Orson] Huh.
So what are you doing
with the state department?
- [Adult Hub] Well I can't
really tell you very much
about it except that
dealing with the Russians
is a lot easier than living with you.
(laughing)
- [Adult Orson] You son of a bitch.
You haven't changed a bit.
- [Adult Hub] Well no that's
not true actually I have.
Partly because of you, Orson.
I learned a lot that first quarter,
especially about letting go of my anger.
- [Adult Orson] Well,
yeah, I guess we all did.
I probably could have learned a lot more
if I hadn't been so uptight.
By the way, Emily and I are divorced.
- [Adult Hub] Well Orson, I always said
that you didn't understand women.
- [Adult Orson] I'm
working on it, you know.
Relationships are very confusing.
- And painful.
- Yeah.
- [Adult Hub] We sure
proved that, didn't we?
- [Adult Orson] Yeah but
I suppose it's the pain
in the relationship that makes us grow.
- [Adult Hub] Are you
practicing medicine in that town
or psychiatry?
(chuckles)
- [Adult Orson] Little of both I guess.
Listen Hub, I gotta go.
But it was nice talking to you.
- [Adult Hub] Yeah, it
was nice talking to you.
Listen, you take it easy.
I'm gonna write, I'll let
you know where I'll be and...
- [Adult Orson] Okay.
Okay, do that, do that.
And thanks for calling, really.
- Okay.
- Goodbye, Hub.
(phone clicks)
- [Adult Hub] Bye, parson.
(phone clicks)
(chattering)
- [Man] Come on Orson!
(chattering)
- [Man] Come on Orson!
- [Man] Damn.
(chattering)
(ball bouncing)
- [Man] Come on Orson!
(ball bouncing)
(cheering and shouting)
- [Man] Come on, Orson!
(cheering and shouting)
(cheering and shouting)
- [Boy] Good job Lester!
- Say Ziegler.
How come the captain of the
football and baseball team
can't beat me in a friendly
little game of one on one?
(cheering)
Ooh, you're a heck of a shot, Ziegler...
When nobody's guarding ya.
♫ Tell me why
- [Boy] Two chocolate shakes.
- [Boy] Hey Rich, wait up.
- [Girl] We'll meet you there.
- Here you go.
Oh no, that's alright
Orson, don't worry about it.
This is on me, a going
away present for our star.
- Oh thanks a lot, Katie.
- You're welcome.
- That's real nice of
her, don't you think?
- Pays to be popular.
- Yeah.
- Bet you'll be meeting
a lot of sharp girls.
- If I was looking for girls, Emily,
I could find them a lot
closer than Chicago.
Besides, I already got my girl.
♫ There is no moon above far away tonight
- Hey Orson.
(laughing)
We're going over to party in Sioux Falls.
You wanna come along?
- No thanks.
- Told ya.
- Come on, I bet Hank and I
could get you to drink a beer.
(laughing)
- Come on, don't be a drag,
it's gonna be a blast.
- Thanks anyway.
- Gonna go watch the old
submarine races, huh?
(laughing)
See ya later.
- Bye!
- Bye!
- Bye!
(laughing)
- That Paula, she's got
one thing on her mind.
- Well.
Most people do more than
just have it on their mind.
- [Boy] Hey Katie!
(laughing)
- [Girl] Hey was that three
or four cheeseburgers?
♫ If you don't tell me why
- [Lester] Evening, Ziegler.
- How are you, Lester?
- Feeling no pain.
Is this guy going off and leaving you?
- I'll be home at Thanksgiving.
- That's still a long time to be alone.
- I think I can manage.
- You still driving for Schultz?
- Nah, I'm gonna blow this town.
There's nothing here for me.
- Where are you going, Lester?
What are you gonna do?
- Don't worry Ziegler, I
always land on my feet.
You going out for basketball this year?
- Nope.
- Well listen, when you come back Ziegler,
we'll play some more one on one.
Unlessin' you're afraid
I'll beat your ass again.
- Katie, we're through.
- Orson, I'd like to finish.
- Couldn't beat it if you
didn't grab it, Lester.
- I can beat you without
cheating, Ziegler.
It's just that it's
more fun making you mad.
Now don't let those rich
college kids show you up, Orson!
'Cause you'll never beat me, Ziegler!
Never!
♫ KISD
- [Orson] Because I don't
respect him, that's why.
He just never takes anything seriously.
And I don't like the way he looks at you.
- [Emily] Orson.
I wish you wouldn't let
him bother you so much.
He's such a loser.
- You're right, he is.
- [Richard Nixon] My fellow Americans.
- He's a loser.
- [Richard Nixon] I come before
you tonight as a candidate
for the vice-presidency and
as a man whose honesty...
- Please change the station.
- Right.
- [Announcer] A home
run put the Browns on...
- [Emily] Orson.
(scanning radio stations)
- [Man] South Dakota's largest...
(singing)
(doo wop music)
- I remember the first
time we came out here
after the junior prom.
And you told me you were
going to Northwestern.
And then go to medical school
either there or at Harvard.
Come back here and work with your father.
I didn't think anybody could have
their future so planned out.
- Well you have to know
where you're going in life.
- I know.
But what happens if things don't work out
exactly like you'd planned?
- I never think about that.
You haven't changed your
mind about our plan?
- You know I'll be waiting.
(moaning)
Will you miss me?
Orson, don't.
We said we wouldn't until...
We said we'd wait.
Wait, my hair's caught.
- Sorry.
You know maybe we should wait.
Until we have some more room.
- [Emily] Orson you don't
have to do everything perfect
the first time.
(clock chiming)
(dog barking)
(children playing)
- That was your father.
He had an emergency at the reservation
and he doubts he can get
to the station in time.
- Damn.
- He wanted to give you
this himself, but...
You know he wanted to see you off
but he has so many
people depending on him.
- [Orson] Tell him thank you.
- We're all very proud of you, Orson.
- I know.
It seems strange being away from home.
- Well you'll make friends quickly.
They're very careful
about who they accept.
I'm sure they've matched you with a boy
of similar character.
Now you must be careful.
- Yes ma'am.
- I'm sure they match boys
with similar backgrounds.
Introduce yourself to the pastor
as soon as you get settled.
Be sure to eat good meals
and get enough rest.
- Yes ma'am.
(light music)
(bike bell ringing)
- I'll carry it up.
- Oh I can carry those.
Why don't you take this?
- [Corky] Just prepare
to lose, prepare to lose.
(chattering)
Hi.
- Hey you two girls up for
a quick game of two on two?
- I don't think they'd be
much competition, Paul.
Definitely intellectual types.
- Yeah, maybe you're right.
They've got good muscle tone but
not enough strength in the bum.
- [Corky] Did you see the
knockers on them though?
- Oh I know.
- Paul I think I'm going to titty heaven.
- Watch your language,
the Mormons have arrived.
- Oh jeez.
- Paul Koshland.
- Hi.
- I'm Corky, Corky Silverstein.
- Orson Ziegler.
- Ziegler!
Ziegler.
You from Brooklyn?
- No, South Dakota.
South Dakota, my god,
that's almost in California.
Isn't it?
- Not quite.
- Just a short hop down
the road from Squaresville.
- So what room you in?
- Um, 14.
- 14.
Hey, good luck Ziegler.
- [Woman] Can I come up?
- [Boy] Mom, bring the light one.
(trumpet music)
- How's it going?
- [Man] Be done as soon as
I have had a chance at him,
to meet Senator Nixon
face to face and talk.
- Excuse me, could you
tell me where room 14 is?
- Well well, look at the
other half of room 14.
- Lucky ducky.
- It's up the stairs and hang a right.
- Thanks.
- [Boy] He's on the second
floor, I'll be right up.
- [Boy] Ooh!
- You're dead, you're dead.
(laughing)
(toilet flushing)
- [Boy] I'm going into
Chicago, you wanna come along?
- [Boy] Where's Chicago?
- Palamountain.
Palamountain.
(squeaking)
(knocking)
(squeaking)
(clears throat)
Hi.
I'm Orson Ziegler.
(speaking foreign language)
Henry Palamountain.
- Well Henry.
I guess we'll be seeing
a lot of each other, hmm?
- Oh you can call me Hub.
Most people do, but if
you want to call me Henry
that's fine.
If you insist, I wouldn't
want to diminish your freedom.
- My freedom?
- You may not want to
call me anything at all.
You see, I've already made
three hopeless enemies
in this dorm.
(phone ringing)
(clears throat)
Excuse me.
- [Boy] Hey, Kern!
Long distance.
- How long have you been here?
- Eight days.
I hitchhiked from Oregon.
- Didn't your parents worry?
- No, you see my parents divorced.
(sitar music)
But my father, he was furious with me
because he wanted me to fly so I told him
why don't you just go and donate the fare
to the Indian Relief Fund.
You see, he never gives
a penny to charity.
- So I guess this bureau is mine.
- Yes, yes it is.
I've given you the better one, of course.
And oh, I've given you
the better mattress.
And the desk without the
glare from the window.
- Thanks.
- Sure.
- Excuse me.
- Excuse me.
Would you rather have my bed?
- Uh, no.
- Would you rather have my desk?
- They're exactly alike.
- No, I don't want any bitterness
or any immature squabbling.
I'm 20 years old, and I
think as the older man here
it is my responsibility to yield.
You see, here.
I would give you the shirt off my back.
- Uh, that's okay.
I have a shirt.
So do I get a spinning wheel too?
- Oh, oh that.
Well see I've been
experimenting with that.
I ordered that from Calcutta
and I spin for half an
hour each day after yoga.
- Yoga?
- Yes, just some of the
elementary positions.
- Ah.
(clears throat)
- Well, I consider myself
Christian Platonist.
I'm strongly influenced by Gandhi.
My bishop at home hates me, and...
Well I've introduced myself
to the bishop here and
I don't think he likes me either.
(knocking)
- Telegram.
- Oh that's for me, that's for me.
- Yes, telegram for Henry Palamountain.
- Ah yes, thank you very much.
- If you could just sign for it please.
- Mm hmm, certainly.
- [Boy] He's strictly a jock.
- [Boy] You're nuts!
- Thank you.
- Thank you very much.
- [Boy] He'll never win with Nixon.
(ripping)
- I think that we should talk about you.
A father who is a doctor.
You were president of your class.
Received straights As in high school.
I received rather mediocre grades myself.
Your father went to medical school here
and believes that this
environment is going to be
very beneficial to you when
you return to practice medicine
in your small, provincial town.
Hmm.
- Wait a minute, how
did you find that out?
- I asked to see your folder
at the dean of student's office.
- What?
- I explained to them
that if they were going
to give me a roommate after
I'd specifically asked
to live alone that I had a
right to information about you
so that I could minimize
possible friction.
- Hey they can't do that,
that's personal information!
- People without convictions
have no power of resistance.
(sighs)
- Why did you come here?
- [Hub] Rafael Damos and Werner Jaeger.
- Friends of yours?
- I went to Damos's house
and I introduced myself
and he's, oh he's a charming,
charming old scholar,
he has a beautiful young wife...
- You mean you didn't even know him?
You just went over to his
house and pushed yourself in?
- Oh, that's not what happened.
I wouldn't describe it in that manner.
I go as a pilgrim and he was
very pleased to talk to me.
- I'm sorry, I didn't mean to...
(sitar music)
(spinning wheel squeaking)
(bells tolling)
(murmuring)
- Boning up for your anatomy class?
- Uh no.
- How'd it go, Hub?
- Well, I've antagonized my advisor.
I told him I have no intention
of fulfilling my science requirement.
- Why not?
- I consider science a demonic
illusion of human arrogance.
Its phantasmal nature is proved
by its constant revision.
Why should I waste an
entire fourth of my time
studying hypotheses that
are gonna be obsolete
by the time I graduate?
- You can't be serious!
- Studying Plato is
much more illuminating.
Than most things.
- Hmm.
Mm hmm.
21 hours is a pretty
heavy load, Mr. Ziegler.
16 to 18 is more average for a freshman.
- Well I think I can handle it.
I was the valedictorian of my high school.
- Mm hmm.
- And I also got the highest grades.
- That's wonderful.
- See I'm planning to go to
med school after my junior year
so I figure that the
extra credits will help.
- You know that there are
over 100 valedictorians
in your freshman class?
I'd advise you to start
out with a regular load.
- Yes sir.
No, classes start tomorrow.
I think I got a pretty good schedule.
- [Mrs. Ziegler] Your father will be upset
that he missed your call.
- Oh yeah, tell him I decided not to take
dissection lab this quarter.
- [Mrs. Ziegler] Oh?
- Yeah the class I wanted was full.
- [Mrs. Ziegler] That's too bad.
How's your roommate?
Orson?
Orson?
- He's fine, we're getting along great.
- [Mrs. Ziegler] Oh good.
Emily was here this afternoon.
(clock ticking)
(meditative chanting)
- Hey Orson!
Hey do you know where history class is?
- Think everybody in the
dorm is in this class.
- Oh one of Hub's professor
friends recommended this guy.
I'm sure we'll all be sorry.
- I think it's up here.
- Hey I hear Hub got out of chemistry.
Didn't he tell you?
- Well he hasn't been around very much.
- Well the wife is
always the last to know.
You go to church every morning.
- Uh huh.
- You praying for good grades already?
- Yeah, it's my secret weapon.
- Ah, sure beats studying.
- It's not that easy.
- This course will survey man's progress.
We'll examine his diverse
cultural, economic,
and political backgrounds.
We will be concerned
with the periods in which
we have the most reasonable records.
(snickering)
When the Assyrians and the
Egyptians were in power.
We'll be interested in how
man deals with progress.
Also how he has dealt
with periods of depression
and unemployment and war
and catastrophe as they grow
ever more frequent.
Five essays and one
term paper are required.
For each day any paper is late
I will deduct one letter grade.
I consider promptness
to be an essential part
of academic achievement.
During the course of the
semester you'll be receiving
some assignments in...
(door creaking)
So good of you to drop in, mister, um...
- Palamountain.
- Mr. Palamountain.
I suppose you're already so familiar
with the history of Western civilization
you consider this course to be irrelevant?
- No sir, no sir.
As a student of philosophy
I consider the entire study
of transient civilizations irrelevant.
(laughing)
- Take a seat, Mr. Palamountain.
I can see we may have some
stimulating discussions
this quarter.
(laughing)
Now where were we?
- I'll have the roast beef please.
- Yeah, definitely roast beef.
- And mashed potatoes.
- Can I have a roll too?
Do you want a roll?
- What is this, a duet?
I'm first.
- Hey, have you guys
heard about the new girl
that Kern is dating?
Now that guy is definitely
going to titty heaven.
- Hey Orson, is there a
cure for tits on the brain?
- Yeah, a week in a phone
booth with Jane Russell.
- I think he's too far gone.
- Your roommate, very, very strange.
- He's not the only one.
(laughing)
- Hey you can't do that.
- Hub, every time I watch you eat
the more I'm convinced
that you're a saint.
- Oh yeah Hub there's
some great shrubs outside
my bedroom window if you
ever want a late night snack.
(laughing)
- Hey, listen to this one!
- You guys aren't gonna
ruin our appetites, are you?
- No.
Silverstein and Koshland, the...
(stammering)
Silverstein and Koshland,
they come from New York City.
- They think that they are lovers
but the girls just say tough titty.
- You guys can't do any better than that?
Sad.
- Really bad, guys.
That was really bad.
- You eat eggs.
- Yes, I do.
- You realize that every
egg from the chicken's
point of view is a newborn baby?
- Oh no but in fact it
isn't unless it's been
fertilized by a rooster.
- But suppose as it sometimes happens
which I happen to know from
working in my uncle's henhouse
that an egg that should be
sterile has been fertilized
and contains an embryo.
(laughing)
- Well if I see it I naturally don't eat
the particular egg.
- But why?
The hen feels the same pain
being parted from its egg
whether it's sterile or fertile
and furthermore the embryo
is unconscious, a vegetable.
As a vegetarian you should
eat it with particular relish.
(laughing)
- [Hub] As a vegetarian...
- Do you mind?
It seems to me that the
psychoanalysis of a hen
is hardly relevant at the lunch table.
- Hey Hub, Hub.
What's the word on milk?
Don't calves drink milk?
Maybe you're taking the milk
out of some calf's mouth?
- No, no.
As anyone except someone from
New York would understand...
(oohing)
- Painful, painful.
- Milch cows have weaned their calves.
- Weaned?
(laughing)
- What I wonder, Hub, is
what about your shoes?
You wear leather shoes.
- I do.
- Point Orson.
Ding dong.
What about your wallet and your belt?
- The animal has already
been slaughtered, Orson.
- But buying these things
encourages the slaughter.
You're just as much a
murderer as the rest of us.
More of one because you think about it.
- My belt, I believe,
is a form of plastic.
My wallet was given to
me by my mother years ago
before I even became a vegetarian.
But my shoes are a problem.
There is a firm that
makes non-leather shoes
for extreme vegetarians,
but they're very expensive
and they're not comfortable
and I have compromised.
I apologize.
I suppose for that matter
when I play the piano
I encourage the slaughter of elephants.
(laughing)
And when I brush my teeth I use a brush
made out of pig bristles.
I'm covered with blood.
I play daily for forgiveness.
- Thank you for the nauseating
conversation, gentlemen.
- There are perfectly wearable
shoes made out of canvas.
With crepe and rubber soles.
- I'll have to look into that.
Sound a little sporty to me.
(laughing)
- [Corky] That's it for me.
Hey who's for catching
a flick and checking out
the local action?
- Yeah!
- Yeah.
- Say Orson, why don't you come along?
We could use that perfectionist eye
to lookie lookie for a
little nookie nookie.
- He doesn't need your
degenerate activities, Koshland.
He's got his own honey in South Dakota.
- That's right, and she
writes him every day.
- How do you know that?
- [Philip] Hub told us.
- It's alright, he just
wanted to make sure we knew
that you were, uh, normal.
(laughing)
(whispering)
(shushing)
- Excuse me.
Could you tell me where
University Hall is?
- Um, I think it's over there.
- Oh, you dropped your pencil.
- Oh, thank you.
- Are you headed that way?
- No, I think it's closed right now.
- Well which way are you headed?
- Oh, I've got to get home.
- Keep track of your pencil.
(giggles)
- Oh, thanks.
Goodnight.
- Goodnight.
- [Man] I'm sure if we
recall that book McCarthyism,
that fight for America, it
is a carefully documented
history of the fight to expose communists,
bad security risks, and
the dupes and stooges
of the Kremlin who have been and still are
in our federal government.
- Senator...
- May I say this also?
- [Man] I'm sorry that our time is up.
(switches radio off)
- [Orson Voiceover] Dear Emily.
Even though I've only been here two weeks,
it seems like two months since I saw you.
It's probably because of the
amount of work I've been doing.
Just when I'm sure that
they can't possibly
give us more, they do.
I barely have time to do my laundry.
(thumping)
(pensive music)
Doesn't seem to bother Hub, though.
He audits two extra courses,
wrestles three times a week,
spends two afternoons supervising
slum boys and orphans,
takes piano lessons, and
is always attending free
evening lectures and readings.
He also manages to wrangle tea invitations
from the two professors he
met and from the local bishop.
Sometimes I feel like I'm living alone.
Each of the other roommates
are very different,
but they form some kind
of bond between them.
In a way I envy them.
- Now that's ridiculous.
- [Greg] He was an atheist!
- No you have to understand,
to refine your conception
of things.
- Hi, how was the lecture?
- It was a waste of time.
Just because he didn't believe in prayer
doesn't mean that he was an atheist.
- For Christ sake, how
could he be religious
if he was against prayer?
- Who?
- Voltaire.
- I found it, here it is.
Voltaire was religious,
but he wasn't religious
in the orthodox sense.
He believed God endowed man
with the reason and feelings
of benevolence needed to
gain happiness in life,
but he also believed
God created the universe
according to laws that cannot be altered
by the prayers of men.
- There.
You see?
Cannot be altered by the prayers of man.
To me that means he thought
praying was a waste of time
and if he felt that way, he
sure as hell wasn't religious.
- No no no no no, all that
means is that he believes
there wasn't any justice in the world.
For instance, the good are often punished,
the wicked rewarded, and
prayer doesn't even effect that
so why pray?
And I know I have it in here somewhere
and I'm gonna find it.
- Do you think prayer
is a waste of time, Hub?
- Huh?
- Do you think prayer is a waste of time?
- No, I don't think
prayer is a waste of time.
Voltaire does, but I believe that prayer
has a definite purpose.
I suppose it involves looking
for God within yourself.
- Well yeah, but where does that lead?
- I don't know where it leads,
but I know that it begins with myself.
- Orson thinks prayer means
asking God for favors.
- You don't know what
you're talking about!
It's a lot more complicated than that.
- You know, it is impossible
to have an intellectual
argument around here.
- No I have...
- Let's go find a decent argument.
- You know, Nietzsche said God is dead,
but he didn't mean in
the deus point of view
meaning God was alive at one point.
(door shuts)
(sitar music)
(clears throat)
- What makes you such
an authority on prayer?
You never pray.
(meditative chanting)
(thumping)
Dawson would you just shut up!
(meditative chanting)
How do you expect to get decent
grades if you don't study?
- I'm confident I'll
get by, I always have.
You, on the other hand,
will never be satisfied
with just getting by.
- Most people would agree
that studying before a quiz
is normal.
- Yes, but from my perspective
spending all of your time
pursuing grades instead of considering
more profound matters isn't normal.
- Profound matters?
- Orson.
Why are you so concerned
about my study habits?
- I'm sorry, I was under
the strange impression
that roommates are
supposed to be concerned
about each other.
- Well you see I have
this feeling that it isn't
so much concern as it is your
need to make value judgments.
- Oh, Jesus.
- If you weren't so intolerant of people
you might be tolerable yourself.
- Look if you wanna sit here
and hum your brains out,
go ahead!
Just don't do it when I'm reading!
- I'm sorry.
- I mean what do you
do, sit up late at night
and think of new ways to
bug the crap out of me?
- Yes, I do.
It's the little things
like that that fill up
the emptiness in my life.
(knocking)
- Telegram.
Excuse me.
- [Delivery Man] Yes, Henry Palamountain.
I have a telegram for you.
- Right.
- Sign for it please.
- Mm hmm.
(phone ringing)
- Thank you very much.
- Thank you very much.
(ripping)
- [Boy] Hey Kern, long distance!
- Why don't you ever read those telegrams?
- I know what they say.
The Portland draft board is after me.
They refuse to recognize
any conscientious objectors
except Quakers and Mennonites.
My bishop agrees with them.
- You can't ignore your draft board!
(meditative chanting)
- I'm sorry if I've
offended your patriotism.
- No you're not.
(sighs)
- Oh!
- Come on, Silverstein!
(laughs)
- Hey that's a foul.
- No it's not.
- Come on!
Yeah!
(claps)
- Hey Orson.
Do you wanna get in on this?
(shouts)
- Hey, Ziegler.
- Ziegler!
- Wanna play?
- Hey, you're a ringer Ziegler.
- Nah, maybe some other time.
I gotta study.
- Setting a bad example for us, Ziegler.
- Study?
- He's gotta study?
- Hey Hub!
- Hubba hubba!
- Hubba!
- [Philip] Hey Orson,
what is Hub's secret?
- [Paul] Maybe I should
become a vegetarian.
(laughing)
(applauding)
(sitar music)
(whispering)
- You have very beautiful
hair, that's all.
- [Calvin] Hub said
she had beautiful hair.
- Hub said that she had beautiful hair.
- Hub said she had beautiful hair.
- Just after the show outside,
I just have to talk to you, just briefly,
just for a couple minutes.
- Okay.
- Really?
Oh, great.
Great then, great.
Henry Palamountain.
(murmuring)
- That was more boring than registration.
- Larsen, that cynical facade you put up
is gonna be the downfall
of you in the future.
- [Charles] Hey, look at Hub.
Even a saint can be human too.
- A saint must be human
otherwise he's not a saint.
- It really is a science
project but it is science.
(murmuring)
(tense music)
(clock ticking)
(bells chiming)
- Just hand them to me Cal,
one by one, hand them to me.
I told him not to work in here.
- What am I gonna do?
- I'll just have to retype it.
It's 20 pages too long anyway.
(laughing)
- Hey, Larsen.
We got a good one.
My name is Larsen Petersen
and my roommate is in a real panic.
Come on.
- Like any good mommy, I handle him calmly
so he'll grow up to be schizophrenic.
(laughing)
(crying)
(sitar music)
(spinning wheel squeaking)
- What the hell is that?
- Hair.
- Human hair?
- Yes, and did you know
that it spins much better
than cotton?
- Whose hair is it?
- Oh it's that girl I met at the concert.
She's very nice.
- This is her hair?
- She said that she was
gonna cut it all off
next spring anyway and I...
(banging)
(trumpet music)
(banging)
- What are you gonna do with it?
- Thought I'd spin it into a rope
and make a knot of it
so it can't come undone
and then I'd just give it do her.
Then she'll have her
hair just the way it was
when she was 18.
- How the hell did you talk that poor girl
into cutting her hair off?
- I didn't talk her into it.
I merely offered and
then she thought it was
a lovely idea.
Really Orson, I don't see
why this should offend
your bourgeois scruples.
Or maybe you just don't understand women.
They cut their hair all the time.
I'm sure Emily would cut her hair...
- Hey just leave Emily
out of this, alright?
- I was just trying to illustrate a point.
- What point, there is no point!
You cut somebody's hair off!
She must think you're insane!
She was humoring you, that's...
- My sanity was not raised as an issue.
- Well I think you're insane, Hub.
I think you're a nut!
(record needle scratches)
Sorry.
- I'm sorry.
- Oh is that part of
Hub's required reading?
- You're Hub's roommate, aren't you?
- Yeah.
Yeah and you're the girl
with the long red hair.
- Um, thank you.
(knocking)
- Hey where's Orson?
- Probably studying at the library.
- Hey, have we got a great one.
- Spare me.
- No no, it's a bet!
How long do you think it
would take Orson to notice
one of these is moved.
- I said five minutes, what do you say?
- Hey guys.
Hey Hub.
- Hey Carter, you wanna
get in on the pool?
One buck.
- What pool?
- We're betting how long
it'll take Orson to notice
his toothpaste is moved.
(laughing)
- You're kidding!
- I bet two minutes.
- You're not kidding?
- Hey come on, what do you think?
I bet five minutes and
Petersen bet three and a half.
- Hmm, eight minutes.
- Oh, easy money.
- What do you say, Hub?
- Hey yeah Hub,
what do you think?
- 27 seconds.
(laughing)
(claps)
- [Man] Has elected General
Dwight D. Eisenhower
as their president.
In our democracy, this
is the way we decide
who shall govern us.
I accept the decision as representing
the will of the people and
I shall give my support
to the government they have selected.
I ask all my fellow citizens
to do the same thing.
I came in down on the street how I felt.
(speaking foreign language)
A fellow townsman of ours
used to tell, Abraham Lincoln.
- Has he been in there since this morning?
- Yeah.
(speaking foreign language)
- [Man] But it hurt too much to laugh.
- Hi Orson.
- Hi Orson.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- How's it going?
- Okay.
Alright, which one of you
guys used my toothpaste?
(laughing)
- 25 seconds.
- Hub, did you use my toothpaste?
- Your toothpaste?
- Yeah.
- I use seaweed powder, why
would I want to use toothpaste?
(laughing)
- What the hell is that?
- It's a parking meter.
- I can see that!
Where'd you get it?
- I'm not gonna talk to you
unless you stop being hysterical.
- I'm not hysterical.
(knocking)
- Hey what's up?
- What's going on?
- You looked like Quasimodo
running through the lobby.
- He's castrated a parking meter.
- No I did not.
A car went out of control
on Chicago Avenue,
knocked it down the
head was in the gutter,
I picked it up, I carried it away.
I was afraid that somebody
might be tempted to steal it.
- Oh, I'm glad nobody did!
- Nobody tried to stop you?
- They were all gathered
around the driver.
- Oh, was he hurt?
- I don't know, I didn't look.
- You didn't look!
Oh you're a great Samaritan, Hub.
- Well I'm not prey to morbid curiosity.
- Where were the cops?
- They hadn't arrived yet.
- Well why didn't you
wait until they got there
and then give the meter to them?
- Now why should I give it
to the agents of the state?
It's no more theirs than it is mine.
- But it is, it is theirs!
- Oh no, this was an act of providence
that placed this in my hands.
Actually I don't really know which charity
should receive this meter head.
(laughing)
- Hub, that's stealing!
- This is not stealing any
more than the state is stealing
when they make people pay
money to park their car.
- Hub, you take that
parking meter back right now
or we're both going to
jail, you understand?
- I'm not afraid.
Going to jail under a totalitarian regime
is a mark of honor.
Of course, if you had a conscience
you would understand that.
- If I had a conscience?
What do you mean if I had a conscience?
Get back here!
- Guys just stop that!
- Hey come on!
- Hey wait a second.
- Hey come on you guys.
- Whoa come on, come
on, come on, whoa, whoa!
- Would you guys cut it out?
Hey!
- Calm down, will you calm down?
Calm down!
(sighing)
You alright?
- Yeah.
- [Dr. Ziegler] And we thank
thee oh lord for the abundance
placed before us and
vow to repay thy grace
with thoughts of goodness
and deeds of thanksgiving.
Amen.
- [All] Amen.
- Amen.
- Well, it's good to have you home, son.
- It's good to be here.
- How are you doing at school, Orson?
- Well I really won't know
for a couple weeks at least.
- Emily has missed you.
She's visited your mother every week.
- Yes, and I want you to
know Emily hasn't been
seeing any other boys.
Even though she's been
asked out several times.
- That's very nice.
- I was only asked out once.
- Orson, I want you to take more food.
You look pale.
Have you been eating enough?
- I'm alright Mom, I'm fine.
- How are you and your
roommate getting along?
- Oh, just fine.
- That's good.
It's important to learn how to get along
with a lot of different
people in this world.
Especially in our business.
(phone ringing)
- What church does he attend, Orson?
- Uh, he sort of has his own religion.
It's informal.
- Hello?
- Well why don't you
invite him to attend church with you?
- Oh yes, how are you?
- Uh, I don't think he would go.
Dad, do you think a
person can be religious
even if they don't pray?
- Mm.
That's a subject that's
worthy of discussion.
- It's Mrs. Warren.
Tommy's temperature is up to 104.
- You see what it's like being
the only doctor in this town?
I'm sorry ladies, please excuse me.
Perhaps we can talk about
that when we have more time.
(zipping)
(sniffling)
- You alright?
- Yeah.
- Why are you crying?
- I'm okay.
- I'm sorry.
- About what?
- That it wasn't better,
it's all my fault, I'm sorry.
- It's not that.
- Then what is it?
- It just seemed like
we haven't hardly talked
since you've been back.
It seems like all you're
interested in is sex.
- That's...(sighs) that's not...
(sighs)
It's just that I've had a
lot of things on my mind, so.
- Well does it have
anything to do with us?
- It's just my roommate, I...
I tried getting along with him
but we'd just end up arguing.
When the other guys kid
him or knock his ideas,
he treats it like some kind of game
but when I do it he acts
like I'm attacking him.
He just...
He never does anything normal.
- Sounds like Lester.
- Lester?
- Yeah, you know.
How you used to get so
mad because he never
plays by the rules or anything?
- What are you talking about?
Hub isn't anything like Lester!
- I'm sorry.
- Lester?
- Why did you tell your
father that you and Hub
were getting along fine?
- You know what he expects of me.
How can I tell him my
roommate is driving me crazy?
He'd never understand that.
- Why don't you move to another room?
- Because he's my roommate,
I'm supposed to get along with him!
- Well what are you gonna do?
- I don't know, god.
Maybe I shouldn't even be in
school, maybe I should enlist.
- Look, it's not that bad.
Could be worse.
He could be a communist.
- He just hasn't gotten around to it yet.
(light music)
- [Hub] It won't bite.
(trumpet music)
- [Orson] What the hell
happened to my bed?
- Oh I just let some of my orphans use it.
They needed a rest from
their normal drudgery.
Oh I knew that you wouldn't mind.
Charity is a tenet of
your religion, isn't it?
You said that, didn't you?
- Right.
- Oh hi Joey.
Joey, this is Orson, my friend,
and Orson, this is Joey.
- Hi Joey.
- [Hub] Joey listen,
would you do me a favor?
Just go and put the towel
in the closet for me, okay?
(thumping)
(crashes)
- I've tried that, it doesn't work.
- Mr. Ziegler, if I allowed
every student to move
just because he had an
argument with his roommate
I'd be running a shuttle service here.
- You don't understand.
It's not just an argument.
We can't get along.
(sighs)
Look, he asked to live
alone when he came here.
Even he knows he's
impossible to live with.
(sighs)
- Let me take some information
and I'll look into it.
I don't think we've got any other space
this late in the quarter, but...
Ziegler.
- Yeah.
(typewriter clacking)
- [Calvin] Despite the hoards of critics...
- [Larsen] Whores of critics?
- [Calvin] Hoards, hoards of critics!
- [Larsen] Alright, I'm sorry.
Hoards.
- Emmanuel Kant never meant
his theories to be used...
- Kant never is a double negative, Cal.
- Kant!
K-A- ...
Kant is his last name!
Shit, now look what you made me do.
- Hey Orson, how was your vacation?
- Uh, pretty good.
How was Duluth?
- Cal needed some help with his paper
so I stuck around here.
- I didn't need help.
I'm perfectly capable
of doing my own paper.
You know damn well the
only reason you stayed
is to get that material from me!
(dramatic classical music)
- How do you put up with each other?
- We don't put up with each other, Orson.
We live together.
(clears throat)
- So what did you do on Thanksgiving?
- Oh, we were gonna have dinner with Hub,
but he and Barbara celebrated with a fast.
- Barbara, who's Barbara?
- That redhead he spent vacation with.
- Oh yeah, Barbara, sure.
- Rooming with Hub sounds
a lot more interesting
than living with a
certified child prodigy.
- Yeah, it's a gas.
- Are you still making fun of me?
- Listen, I'll see you later.
- [Calvin] Are you?
- Cal, you're overreacting.
- I'm getting upset for no reason?
- I think we need a break.
- I'm gonna finish it!
(gentle music)
(smacks)
- That is a perfect example
of your total disregard for
anything different from you.
- It's only a roach.
- Well I was trying to catch it
and put it outside the window.
- Well I'm sorry, where I
come from we kill roaches.
It's just what we do.
- Well of course, of course you would.
I'm learning to live with
nature, you're learning to kill.
Today your shoe, tomorrow the bomb.
- Look if you want to
live with bugs that's fine
because I'm moving!
I made arrangements to move out of here.
- [Hub] Wonderful, I hope your next victim
can live up to your standards!
- My standards?
What are my standards, Hub?
What are my standards, that I
like to study before my tests?
Or that I pray right side
up instead of upside down?
Are those my standards?
Or that I don't bring
parking meters home for pets
or that I care about people?
- And I don't care about people?
- You're were more concerned
about that goddamn meter
than you were about the people in the car
that knocked it over.
- Let me tell you something, Orson.
Let me tell you something.
You couldn't even begin to
understand what I care about.
- I don't think anybody can!
I don't care!
- Good, I'm glad you don't care!
(door slams)
(pensive music)
- [Charles] Exam on the first essay
directions were alright, no no.
- [Boy] What'd you do with the second one?
- [Larsen] Hey, Orson!
How'd you do?
- Okay.
Alright I guess.
- Uh oh.
That note of uncertainty
makes me wonder if I want you
as my family doctor.
(laughing)
- Hey Hub, you know you
should have warned me
you were coming to that exam.
I nearly flipped when I
turned around and saw you.
- I couldn't believe you left that early.
Did you cream it?
- Most of the questions were so insipid
I didn't even bother with them.
(laughing)
(whispering)
- What effect did Nietzsche
have on the pro-Nazi movement?
How could he let any of...
I'm not gonna get blamed for something
that I know that is true.
That was a trick question!
- I think he blew philosophy.
- [Charles] Wow.
- Fellow Pavlovian dogs.
We've suffered their tortures.
We've jumped through their hoops!
The laws of nature demand reciprocity.
(laughing)
It is time we unshackled our
bonds and praised Bacchus!
Who's for getting smashed?
Are you coming, Orson?
- Come on, let's go!
- Come on Orson!
- Come on, Orson.
- Oh are you gonna start studying
for next quarter already?
- Orson, let's go.
- Come on, come on!
- That's my boy!
- Woo!
(chattering)
- You guys, what's going on?
What's going on, guys?
- You wanna check it out?
- Yeah.
- Party time at NU.
- I think this
is where Bacchus is.
- Let's go!
(cheering and shouting)
- [Crowd] We want panties!
We want panties!
We want panties!
We want panties!
We want panties!
We want panties!
We want panties!
We want panties!
(cheering and hollering)
More, more, more, more, more!
We want panties!
We want panties!
We want panties!
(hollering)
More, more, more, more, more!
- Silverstein, hey Corky!
- Hey, how you guys doing?
- Hey how's it going, man?
- Great!
- Did you take those off somebody?
- No man, are you kidding me?
I got them out of a drawer.
I would have got more
but some girls ran in.
(laughing)
I'm not kidding.
Hey you guys, Paul is in there
trying to convince some girls
to givin' him the ones
that they're wearing.
- No!
- No kiddin'!
- That's great man.
(cheering)
- Victory!
(splashing)
(hollering and cheering)
- You ever see one of these?
- No, it's fun, isn't it?
- What's the point?
I mean, what's the main idea?
- They try to get inside and get panties.
- Oh.
- It's kind of a game.
- What do they do with them?
- They keep 'em!
- They ever give 'em back?
- No.
- Victory is ours!
- Doesn't that get kind of expensive?
- No, it's just for fun!
Those are my friends!
- Come on Orson!
Don't just stand there, come on Orson!
Let's go!
(cheering and clapping)
(laughing)
(hollering)
- Woo!
Woo!
(chanting)
- [All] Glug, glug, glug, glug, woo!
(clapping)
(belches)
- Next.
- I'll try again.
- Yeah right Carter, you're
never gonna beat him.
- Hey!
- Oh no Paul no, you need
some real competition.
How about Ziegler.
- Yeah!
(laughing)
Ziegler, come on!
(clapping)
- Yeah, come on, do it, come on.
- Waitress, a pitcher of Mill please.
- It'll give you something to remember
while you're delivering
babies out in Connersville.
(laughing)
- Let's see it, come on, let's do it!
- Zieg!
- He's gonna do it, okay.
Okay.
(sings note)
♫ Here's to Ziegler he's true blue
♫ He's a drunkard through and through
♫ He's a drunkard so they say
♫ He wants to go to heaven
but he's goin' the other way
♫ So drink chugalug chugalug chugalug
♫ Chugalug chugalug chugalug
♫ Chugalug chugalug chugalug
♫ Chugalug chugalug
(cheering)
Did you see this?
No, you didn't even finish!
- What a man, what a man.
- It was easy.
- [Paul] Hey Ziegler,
what's Emily gonna say, huh?
(chuckling)
- Okay, here you go.
- Oh great, more soldiers.
What is this?
- Hey Root, come here.
- Get outta here.
- God I think I'm in titty heaven.
(laughing)
(chattering)
Make sure Ziegler gets his.
That's it, that's it.
Come on Ziegler, it's always
easier the second time around.
(clapping)
What a man, what a man.
- Hey Orson, listen to this one.
- We made it up in your honor.
- Uh oh.
- Hey you guys aren't gonna
wreck this one up though are ya?
- My name is Orson Ziegler
and I come from South Dakota.
- I tend to be a niggler
and I masturbate by quota.
(laughing)
- You guys finally got one, that's great.
Congratulations.
- Thank you.
- Mr. Dawson.
Mr. Kern.
- [Boy] Where is the bathroom?
- Come on, they were just having fun.
- [Boy] Can we have some more popcorn?
(banging on table)
- Here's to the apostle
of vegetanarianism.
Saint Henry Palamountain in abstentia!
- [All] To Hub, to Hub!
(glasses clinking)
- [Barbara] Hey, how come
you're not toasting Hub?
- 'Cause I hate him.
- Yeah, come on.
- I dunno.
I don't think Orson really hates Hub.
- Yeah I do, I hate the bastard.
- Ah, stop it.
- Why?
- Why?
Because he's weird!
Did you know he walked
out of the history exam?
Just walked out of the final exam!
- So what?
- Why is he at college?
If he's not gonna go to class
and he's not gonna study
and if he's not gonna take
the exams, why is he here?
- He's here to drive you crazy, Ziegler.
(laughing)
He's doing a good job.
- What about all that mail that he gets
from those political organizations?
And you know what else he does?
He tears up his draft notices.
- He does?
- Yeah!
- Well maybe I've misjudged the poor lad.
- Orson's afraid when they come for Hub
that they're gonna lock him up too.
(laughing)
- [Boy] Can't find the bathroom!
- And he exaggerates!
Oh god, he exaggerates everything.
You ought to see how he prays!
- Hub prays?
- Sure he does.
He sits in the middle of
the room and folds his legs
up like a pretzel and sings
these words to himself
that he doesn't know what they mean.
He sits there and goes
(meditative chanting).
(laughing)
I mean I pray too but I don't
make a spectacle of myself!
- Ha!
But Hub is a saint.
- That's right, that's right.
I would marry him tomorrow if he had tits.
- He's not, he's not a saint.
He's not even intelligent.
You know all those Greek books
that he says that he's read?
Well I looked in them.
The only reason that they're
worn is that he bought 'em
second hand, I mean is
that pretentious or what?
- Ah.
- I don't think that Ziegler
feels this way about Hub.
I just don't think that's, no, no!
- No that's not the way
Orson the parson thinks.
- [Corky] Hey wait is is Orson the parson
or Orson the person?
- I think Hub is the nub.
- Right, or perhaps he's the rub.
- You know, I think
you're missing the point
of what Hub is about.
I think...
- No!
I know goddamn well what
he thinks he's about
but he's a fake!
Don't you see?
He's a phony!
All that vegetarian,
vegetarianism and loving
those goddamn orphans,
I mean, that's a joke!
In my opinion, he is a cold bastard.
He's the coldest person
I've ever met in my life.
- You're not being fair.
Hub cares about other people.
I think he cares what other
people think about him, too.
- Oh come on.
- [Hub] Orson.
- [Greg] Asking God for favors.
- [Orson] He's not a saint!
- [Hub] Orson.
- You son of a bitch, get out of here!
(ball bouncing)
- [Emily] Sounds like Lester.
- [Lester] You'll never
beat me Ziegler, never!
(cheering and clapping)
(thunder rumbling)
- [Emily] All you're interested in is sex.
(sitar music)
- [Hub] You just don't understand women,
they cut their hair all the time.
(thunder rumbling)
(distorted shouting)
- [Orson] I hate him!
He's a cold bastard!
- [Dr. Ziegler] It's important to learn
how to get along with a
lot of different people.
- [Mrs. Ziegler] I'm sure they match boys
with similar backgrounds.
- [Hub] I hope your next victim
can live up to your standards!
- [Greg] Prayer means
asking God for favors.
- [Corky] Here to drive
you crazy, Ziegler.
- [Orson] Lester?
- [Calvin] It'll be
alright in the morning!
- [Orson] Lester?
Lester!
- [Hub] Today the shoe, tomorrow the bomb.
(laughing)
(distorted voices overlapping)
(rain beating on window)
- [Larsen] Help!
Oh god!
- [Calvin] You're gonna call the cops!
- [Larsen] No no I won't
Calvin, you'll be okay!
- [Calvin] California, I
gotta get out to California!
- Cal, come on!
(footsteps thumping)
Cal, no!
(speaking foreign language)
- Take it easy Cal, just
take it easy, alright?
Nobody's gonna hurt you.
Nobody's gonna hurt you.
You're here.
This is Chapin Hall, you're at school.
Think about it.
- Come on Cal, come back to the room!
- Come on Cal!
- No I gotta get outside!
- No Cal, it'll be okay!
- I gotta get out west
where there's room for God!
- Cal, you gotta stay right here!
- You're right, Cal.
Guys, it's a little bit
crowded in here, okay?
Could you give him some more space?
Cal.
Now I've been out west
because I grew up there,
and I know the territory very well Cal
and if God is gonna be anywhere
he's gonna be out there.
That's right.
Cal.
Look, if you're feeling
up to it, I want to know,
can I go with you?
Yeah?
You wanna go with me?
You will?
That's great, that means
we can go together.
You cold?
Okay, come on.
Let's go together, okay?
Let's go find God, Cal.
Alright.
He's been expecting you Cal,
he's been expecting you.
It's alright, it's good.
Good.
You know what?
I saw him.
I saw him.
I did.
- Jesus.
I'll be damned.
- How is he?
- I don't know.
I knew he was flipping out
when he wanted to go
out west and find God.
- That's a long way to go in the raw.
- Hey Hub.
- Hey what'd they say?
- [Corky] Yeah, what's up?
- Well they told me they're
gonna send him back to Maine.
They told me that the problem was Oedipal
but I had a long talk
with the psychologist.
Well he's not gonna be able
to finish out the year.
- Well I think Cal would have hurt himself
if it wasn't for you, Hub.
Thanks a lot.
- Yeah you know, you
were really incredible
the way you came down that
hallway and you were shouting.
- Shouting?
Sorry.
- Yeah but we understood
what you were getting at.
- Oh that's good.
I didn't.
(laughing)
I'm gonna go get some breakfast.
I'll see you later, okay guys?
- Okay, see ya Hub.
- Take it easy.
- See ya Hub.
(tense music)
- Sure moves fast for a little guy.
- No that's a friend of his.
She's probably consoling him.
- What for?
- That redhead gave him the royal shaft.
- What happened to your spinning wheel?
- I've lost my enthusiasm for spinning.
- She didn't like the hair, huh?
- Well.
She wasn't exactly ecstatic.
I guess there's space
in Petersen's room now.
- Yeah, I know.
- You guys are Danny and Chris
gonna meet us there or what?
- Yeah I think they are.
- Who's driving?
- I am.
- Oh good.
Wait just a minute for me, okay?
- Okay.
- Hi.
- Hi.
How are you?
- Fine.
How are you?
- Okay.
Listen, the reason I came
by was, (sighs) well,
because I gotta know something.
- Okay.
- Did you break up with Hub
because of what I said at the bar?
- Um, what happened between Hub and me
had nothing to do with you.
- Because I feel like I was
wrong about him and I...
He's just been so down lately, I...
I thought it might have
something to do with you.
- If Hub's upset I think
it's probably because
you're moving out.
- Because...
Because I'm mov...
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Did he tell you that?
- Look, you should be
talking to Hub about this.
Why are you talking to me?
My friends are waiting, I've gotta go.
- Okay.
- Bye.
- Bye.
Thanks.
(ball bouncing)
Silverstein?
- Hey, Ziegler!
- What are you doing out here?
It's snowing!
- Yeah.
- But that's crazy.
- Hey in Brooklyn that's a way of life.
Wanna play?
Oh come on, you're not gonna
let a little snow stop you!
What kind of parson are you?
Come on.
(ball bouncing)
- You know basketball may be
a wintertime sport Silverstein
but they usually play it inside.
- I thought you guys from the Midwest
were made of stronger stuff.
- Alright, alright.
- Hey what's your game?
- One on one.
- Not bad, Ziegler.
Your ass is grass, Ziegler.
- Not bad, Silverstein.
(jazzy music)
That's enough, that's good for me.
I'm out of shape.
- You coulda fooled me.
You're damn good, Ziegler.
Hey why don't you go out for the varsity?
- Well I came here to study.
Besides, I wouldn't be that
good if I played varsity.
- How come?
- I'd probably take it too seriously.
Well, thanks for the game Corky.
(jazzy music)
- Anytime, Parson.
(chuckling)
(knocking)
(door shuts)
(bed creaking)
(gentle music)
- [Orson Voiceover] Dear Mom.
I did alright on my
exams, three As and a B.
Hub pulled two Bs and two Cs.
Not bad considering he hardly studied.
Kern, Carter, and Silverstein did well.
- [Teddy] Hey Hub,
Koshland and Silverstein
were looking for you.
- [Hub] Where are they?
- [Teddy] They're next door.
I'll tell them you're back.
- Thanks, Teddy.
(door opens and shuts)
(rapid knocking)
- Orson, Hub!
Nobody move!
We got this place surrounded, nobody move!
- Hey Orson.
- Hey we brought this for ya.
- What is this?
- [Corky] There it is, that's for you.
- [Paul] Hey go ahead, read it, read it.
- Yup.
- Please take good care of my baby.
- [Paul] Yes, that's right, yes.
Now be sure to give us a call
if you need money for bail.
- Yeah hey look, we're
gonna take up a collection.
Shouldn't take more than two,
three months to get you out.
- Ah well that's alright,
I've prepared a three year
reading list just in case.
- [Corky] Ah good, good.
- We got to be hitting
the beat, eh Clancy?
- Yeah, we gotta go
torment some other people.
See you guys later.
- You've made me very
grateful, very, you know.
(laughing)
Would you care to accompany
me to the police station
so that I can make sure this is delivered
into the proper hands?
- I don't care what you do with it.
- You don't care?
- Nope.
- Ah, you don't care.
Fine.
I remember when you were
trying to crush my ribs
because I wouldn't return this.
- Yeah.
Well, a lot has happened since then.
- When are you moving?
I told them in the beginning
that I ought to live alone.
- You were right.
I think we shouldn't
live together next year.
- Actually you can move in
with Petersen right now.
- You're right, I could.
But I've decided to wait.
- You've decided to wait?
- Yep.
- Well.
Great.
I guess that means I'll have to keep
the brass buttons on my uniform polished
for inspection, right?
Aye aye, captain.
Oh, and I'll have to
refrain from breathing
so that I don't disturb
your order of things,
and I'll have to do
things the way you and God
have decided...
- Hub.
- The way they're supposed to be done.
Orson, do you know what your problem is?
You think that the referee
in this game is fair!
- Hub, I...
- If you play by the
rules, you're gonna win.
Well let me tell you something!
Life is not fair, and there are no rules!
There are no rules at all!
- Hub, look, I'm not gonna
fight with you anymore
because we never agree about anything.
- Oh you're absolutely right,
we don't agree about anything.
- Right.
- Wait a minute, did we... did
we just agree about something?
- What?
- No I think that we just
agreed about something.
- Right, we agreed that we never agree.
- Right.
That's right.
Of course.
(sighs)
Well well well well well.
Perhaps there is some
hope for you after all.
- For me?
You think so, huh?
- Well I'm just giving you
the benefit of the doubt, of course.
- Well thank you, that
makes me feel a lot better.
(laughing)
Oh god.
What an arrogant son of a bitch.
- Is that what you think?
- Yes, that's what I think.
(wind rustling)
(meditative Eastern music)
(spinning wheel squeaking)
(phone ringing)
- [Adult Orson] Hello?
- [Adult Hub] Is this Dr. Ziegler?
- [Adult Orson] Yes, who's this?
- [Adult Hub] This is a saint.
- [Adult Orson] I'm sorry?
- [Adult Hub] Hey, parson!
- [Adult Orson] Hub?
- [Adult Hub] Yeah, Hub, how are ya?
- [Adult Orson] I'm fine, how are you?
- [Adult Hub] I'm great, I'm great.
I just got back to
Washington and I decided
to look up some of the guys from the dorm.
My god, it's been 25 years, huh?
- [Adult Orson] Yeah it's
hard to believe, isn't it?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- [Adult Hub] Well you
been in touch with anybody?
- [Adult Orson] Well I tell
you I ran into Silverstein
last year at a conference
in San Francisco.
He said you had gone into
a theological seminary?
- [Adult Hub] Uh huh, uh huh.
I spent a few years as an assistant rector
of a parish in Baltimore.
- Uh huh.
- [Adult Hub] Well actually
I became a little bit
of a celebrity 'cause I was playing piano
in a cocktail lounge and
I insisted on wearing
my clerical collar.
(chuckling)
Then I went over to South Africa
and I was preaching among
the Bantus for a while
until the government asked me to leave,
and then after that I
went over to Madagascar
and I was a combination missionary,
political agitator, and soccer coach.
(chuckling)
- Boy.
So what are you doing now?
- [Adult Hub] Well I'm
with the state department.
Didn't you get any of my cards?
- [Adult Orson] Oh, yes, yes.
I meant to write but I...
- Well that's alright.
You know, I didn't really
expect an answer, but...
I tracked Cal Fitch down.
- Hmm.
- [Adult Hub] Yeah, he's a
psychiatrist in Beverly Hills.
(laughs)
- No kidding.
- Mm hmm.
- [Adult Orson] Well I'll be damned.
He sure deserves a lot of credit
for coming back like he did.
- [Adult Hub] Yeah.
Sounds like you're doing
what you always planned to do though.
You caring for the sick
and needy of Connersville?
- [Adult Orson] Yeah, yeah.
- [Adult Hub] Outstanding
member of the Kiwanis
and the Chamber of Commerce and I'm sure
you and Emily are married
and you have a fine family.
- [Adult Orson] Well we have two children.
As a matter of fact my son
Eddie leaves for Northwestern
next week.
He'll be pre-med.
- [Adult Hub] Well you know what they say,
the more things change, the
more they stay the same.
(laughs)
- Yep.
- Uh huh.
- [Adult Orson] Huh.
So what are you doing
with the state department?
- [Adult Hub] Well I can't
really tell you very much
about it except that
dealing with the Russians
is a lot easier than living with you.
(laughing)
- [Adult Orson] You son of a bitch.
You haven't changed a bit.
- [Adult Hub] Well no that's
not true actually I have.
Partly because of you, Orson.
I learned a lot that first quarter,
especially about letting go of my anger.
- [Adult Orson] Well,
yeah, I guess we all did.
I probably could have learned a lot more
if I hadn't been so uptight.
By the way, Emily and I are divorced.
- [Adult Hub] Well Orson, I always said
that you didn't understand women.
- [Adult Orson] I'm
working on it, you know.
Relationships are very confusing.
- And painful.
- Yeah.
- [Adult Hub] We sure
proved that, didn't we?
- [Adult Orson] Yeah but
I suppose it's the pain
in the relationship that makes us grow.
- [Adult Hub] Are you
practicing medicine in that town
or psychiatry?
(chuckles)
- [Adult Orson] Little of both I guess.
Listen Hub, I gotta go.
But it was nice talking to you.
- [Adult Hub] Yeah, it
was nice talking to you.
Listen, you take it easy.
I'm gonna write, I'll let
you know where I'll be and...
- [Adult Orson] Okay.
Okay, do that, do that.
And thanks for calling, really.
- Okay.
- Goodbye, Hub.
(phone clicks)
- [Adult Hub] Bye, parson.
(phone clicks)