American Horror Story (2011–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - Pilot - full transcript

Hey, Troy.
Yeah?

You're a dork.
Hey, shut up.

Hey, freak.

Excuse me.

You are going to die in there.

Shut your mouth, or we're
gonna kick your ass!

We got bats.

I hate trees!

You're gonna regret it.

You're gonna regret it.

You're gonna regret it.



Yeah!

Yeah!

♪ I know ♪

♪ I know ♪

♪ You belong ♪

♪ To some ♪

♪ Body new ♪

♪ But tonight ♪

♪ You belong ♪

♪ To me ♪

♪ Although ♪

♪ Although ♪

♪ We're apart ♪

♪ You're part ♪



♪ Of my heart ♪

♪ And tonight ♪

♪ You belong ♪

♪ To me ♪

♪ Just to little old me. ♪

Troy.

Awesome.

Go.

No, you go, shithead.

Check it out.

It stinks in here.

It stinks like shit.

You remember last summer
when we get the raccoon

stuck in our chimney?

That's what it smells like.

Let's go find it.

No, it smells bad--
I'm getting out of here.

Troy?

Troy?

Who's down there?

Cut it out, Troy.

Cut it out.

So, are your periods
regular again?

Every other month.

Not that I'm
really complaining.

After all that blood.

Ben hates blood.

You having issues with arousal?

Not when I'm by myself.

Lie back.

Well, I've recently had some
success with women your age

using bioidentical treatments

and hormones.

For what?

Well, it's a sort
of a preemptive strike.

See, your body is like a house--

you can fix the tiles in the
bathroom and the kitchen,

but if the foundation
is decaying, well,

you're wasting your time.
What are the side effects?

You can sit up.

Well, the, BHRTs are great
for your skin, organs.

Most of the women
I give these to

tell me they make them
feel ten years younger.

I don't know. You know, I
don't even let my family

drink out of plastic bottles.

Taking a bunch of hormones
when I don't even know

what the side effects
are, I just...

Feel and look ten years younger.

I don't need hormones, Doctor.

I'm just trying to get control
of my body again,

after what happened.

And I'm offering you something
to help you get that back.

I'm not a house.

Vivien, what are you
so afraid of?

911.
I have an intruder in my house.

Are you sure it's not a member of your family?
No. Nobody is home.

What's the address?
35 Drummond Road.

We're sending a patrol car.
Please hurry, please.

Oh, my God.

No, Viv. No, no.

Viv, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. No.

Aah!

You're going to regret it.

You're going to regret it.
You're going to regret it.

The light is
different out here.

It's softer.
It's called smog.

You should be excited, Vi.

You can stop sneaking cigarettes and
just start taking deep breaths.

I need to go to the bathroom.

We're almost there.
I need to go.

Vi, it's a freeway.

Really, where do you
want me to pull over?

Maybe the Honda next to us
has a bathroom or something.

Bet if baby had to shit,
you'd find somewhere.

Come on.

Violet, I hate that
word, unless I'm saying it.

I'm really glad
we named you Violet,

instead of our second choice.

Which was?

Sunshine.

It's funny. Come on,
you gotta admit it's funny.

I love it.

Don't you love it, hon?

I mean, it looks even better

than it did online.

Yeah, it's interesting.

Great.
So we're the Addams Family now.

Hey, crabby pants.

Come here.

What are you doing?

Isn't this place amazing?

Welcome.

It's a classic L.A. Victorian.

Built around 1920 by the doctor
to the stars at the time.

It's just fabulous.

These are real Tiffany fixtures.

As you can see,
the previous owners

really loved this place
like a child.

They restored everything.

Gay?

What do you think?

Tiffany. Wow.

Do you cook?
Viv is a great cook.

I got her cooking lessons
a few years ago,

and she ended up teaching
the teacher a few things.

Cooking lessons-- romantic.

Aren't you a psychologist?
Psychiatrist.

You said something on the phone
about there being a study

that I could use
as a home office?

I'm planning on seeing
patients here,

so I can spend more time
with the family.

How refreshing.

Violet, honey, would you go see
where Hayley went? Thank you.

What are you yapping at?

When I saw the pictures
of this room online,

I thought maybe
you could use it

as your music room.

Are you a musician?

I was.

Cellist--
very good one, in fact.

Why did you quit?

This wallpaper
is peeling over here.

Looks like maybe there's a mural

underneath it.

The last owners probably

covered it up.

They were modernists.

Speaking of the last owners,

full disclosure requires
that I tell you

about what happened to them.

Oh, God...

they didn't die in here
or anything, did they?

Yes, actually, both of them.

Murder-suicide.

I sold them the house, too.

They were just the
sweetest couple.

- You never know, I guess.
- That explains why

it's half the price
of every other house

in the neighborhood, I guess.

I do have a very nice
mid-century ranch, but it's

in the Valley, and
you're going to get

a third of the house
for twice the price.

Right.

Where did it happen?

The basement.

We'll take it.

Come on, babe,

let's go to bed.

Leave that for the morning.

I'm a little bit
worried about Violet,

you know, these kids
here are very different.

I don't know if she can handle
another year of not fitting in.

You mean... you can't?

Can't believe this place doesn't
freak you out a little bit.

'Cause of what happened here?

My repulsion is tempered
by the fact

that this house is worth four
times what we paid for it,

so let's not think about it.

This is your professional
advice, Doctor,

just denial?

Come on, let me give you
a little love.

Moving here, buying this house

was the exact right thing to do

for us and our family.

It's a good thing

and we deserve some good
after all the shit

we've been through.

I've got some
stuff I want to...

unpack down in the kitchen.

I appreciate
that you're trying.

I'm trying, too.

Okay.

It's just gonna take some time.

So I let him.

Do coke off your nipples?

They were numb
for, like, two days.

Hey!

Student council passed a rule

against smoking
in public spaces.

Secondhand smoke kills.

I'm new, I didn't know.

What the hell is
wrong with you?

People sit here, they eat here.

You don't know me.
Why are you doing this?

Leah's grandmother died
of lung cancer.

She takes this stuff
pretty seriously.

Eat it-- eat it or I'm gonna
kick the shit out of you.

No.
What? Come on, Leah, that's enough.

No, no, no, I want to see her eat it.
No.

No. Eat it, eat it.
Leah, seriously, she's like 12.

You are dead! You are dead!

Whoo!

You're going to die in here.

Who are you? What are you doing?

What are you doing here?

Adelaide.

Adelaide.

Adelaide.

Adelaide, I put on
Dora the Explorer for you,

so you would sit and watch it.

It was Go, Diego, Go!

I don't like it.

Oh, brown cartoon characters--
you can't tell the difference.

Excuse me.

Hi.

Hi.

I'm Constance, your neighbor
from next door,

and this is my girl Adelaide.

Hello.
Go home,

Addy, now.

That girl is a monster.

I love her
and I'm a good Christian,

but Jesus H. Christ.

You know, if they had invented
some of those tests

a few years ago,
I would have...

How'd you get into my house?

You left your back door open.

Although I have to tell you,
Addy will always

find a way in.

She has a bug up her ass
about this house, always has.

You have the loveliest things.

Thank you.

Have you got a dog?
I-I do have a dog, yes.

I run a little kennel
out of my house,

doggy day care kind of a thing.

How nice.

Well, I prefer purebreds.

I adore the beauty
of a long line,

but there's always room

in my home for mongrels.

Oh...

Oh, my.

Look at those earrings.

Are those real diamonds?

Not that Home Shopping shit.

No.

I used to have
diamonds like that.

Different pair for
every day of the week.

Did your husband
give them to you?

He did.

Hmm?
Mm-hmm.

They always do when
you're young and pretty.

Are you Southern?

Proud Virginian.

The Old Dominion,
born and bred.

Thank you for noticing.

I came out here
to be a movie star.

Did the screen tests
and everything, but...

nudity was the big deal then.

The morals were
just beginning to collapse,

and I wasn't about to have
my green pasture

flashed 70 feet high

for every man, woman,
and child to see,

so I took that little butterfly
of a dream

and put it in a jar
on the shelf,

and, uh, soon after,
came the Mongoloid

and, of course,
I couldn't work after that.

It has been so great
to meet you.

I just-- you know,

I wasn't prepared
for guests at all.

I'm gone.

Oh, I brought you this.

You know, a little, um,

housewarming.
Thank you.

Addy wanted to bake you a pie,

but she tends to
spit in the cooking,

so I thought this
would be better.

Help get rid of some
of that bad juju.

I don't remember your name.

Right, no, I never got
a chance to tell you my name.

Oh.
My name is Vivien Harmon.

Anyway...

relax and enjoy.

Let me know if you need
any help with that pup.

Will do.

I'm glad you're getting rid
of that wallpaper.

I thought those people
were supposed to be stylish.

It's sage...

for cleansing the spirits
in the house.

Too many bad memories in here.

What happened?

You okay?

Oh, I guess these guys were
into the kinky stuff, huh?

Would you like to try it on?

That's not funny.

I think you'd look good in it.

What happened?

Holy shit.
Let's get rid of it.

Come on, let's go downstairs.

Come on.

Watch the steps.

So, Tate,
these fantasies started

two years ago,
three years ago, when?

Two years ago.

It's always the same.

It starts the same way.

How? Tell me.

I prepare for the noble war.

I'm calm, I know the secret,
I know what's coming,

and I know no one can stop me,
including myself.

Do you target people
who have been

mean to you or unkind?

I kill people I like.

Can I help you?

Some of them beg for their life.

I don't feel sad.

I don't feel anything.

It's a filthy world we live in.

It's a filthy goddamn
helpless world,

and honestly, I feel like
I'm helping to take them away

from the shit

and the piss and the vomit
that run in the streets.

I'm helping

to take them somewhere clean

and kind.

There's something

about all that blood, man.

I drown in it.

The Indians believed that blood
holds all the bad spirits,

and once a month in ceremonies
they would cut themselves

to let the spirits go free.

There's something

smart about that.

Very smart. I like that.

You think I'm crazy?

No.

I think you're creative.

And I think you have a lot
of pain you're not dealing with.

My mother's probably worried
about me, right?

I'm sure she is.

She's a cocksucker.

I mean, literally,
a cocksucker.

She used to suck the guy off
next-door, all the time.

My dad found out, and he left.

He left me alone
with a cocksucker.

Can you imagine?

How sick is that?

I've heard a lot worse.

Cool.

Can you tell me some?

I like stories.

No. I can't.

The world is a filthy place.

It's a filthy
goddamn horror show.

There's so much pain, you know?

There's so much.

You're doing it wrong.

If you're trying to kill
yourself, cut vertically.

They can't stitch that up.

How'd you get in here?

If you're trying
to kill yourself,

you might also try
locking the door.

What are you doing?

Am I on a trip?

Can I help you?

I'm Moira O'Hara.

I'm the housekeeper.

Oh.

I didn't know the place came
with a housekeeper.

Why are you hanging your sheets

with a perfectly good
electric dryer inside?

I don't like all those chemicals
in the fabric softeners,

so I just like
to do it naturally.

I work Monday through Thursday.

Thanksgiving on, Christmas off.

Um...
That was the deal with the last fellows.

I'm sorry.
I'm just not sure

that we're gonna need
a housekeeper.

What have you been using
to clean the floorboards?

Murphy's Oil Soap.

Oh, no.

White vinegar.

Oil soap kills the wood.

I like that better.
It's more natural.

Have you ever owned a
house this old before?

No.

It has a personality, feelings.

Mistreat it, and
you'll regret it.

May I come in?

My cab's left,
and I'd like to call another.

So, you worked for
the previous owners?

I've been the housekeeper
here for years.

They come, they go, I stay.

They were both nice boys,

the ones before you.

I found the bodies.

What happened?

I mean, I hate to gossip...

They fought a lot.

Money, I think.

But who can know when something
so horrible happens?

Sometimes people just go mad.

I cleaned the mess.

You'd never know.

Can I ask you
a personal question?

Do you ever get tired

of cleaning up
other peoples' messes?

We're women.
It's what we do.

I just get paid for it.

Yes.

Oh, hey, this is
my husband Ben.

Ben, this is Moira O'Hara.

She was the housekeeper
for the previous owner.

Nice to meet you.

That's my cab.

I'll use the lavatory
first, if you don't mind.

Sure.

What do you think?

What? You-You...
You want to hire her?

Yeah, I mean, she's a
little kooky, but she seems

trustworthy, she knows
the house really well,

and I feel like I
could just use the help.

So... can you
start tomorrow?

Thursday's better,
but I'll make it work.

Okay. And you know, Moira,

you don't have to wear
the housekeeper's uniform.

You can just wear
your own clothes.

I don't like cleaning peoples'
houses in my own clothes.

What?

Nothing. Just...

You just always surprise me.

I like that.

You're gonna have
to forgive me one day.

You mind if I tape this?

No.

You taking your medications?

Yes.

Any side effects?

I was taking them at night,
but they kept me up.

And what did you do?

Started taking them
in the morning.

Light sensitivity
is pretty common.

Maybe.

Yeah, I think so.

When I was in medical school,

they brought in
this CIA interrogator

to help us better identify
who was lying.

This guy was, like,

six foot, 50, crew cut.

He must have been
one hell of an interrogator,

because I'll tell you something.

I'd be terrified to lie to him.

You think I'm lying to you?

Light sensitivity isn't a
side effect of Lexapro, Tate.

So you lied to me.

What is important--

that is
if you're telling the truth

about doing these things
to your classmates.

If you were actually a danger

to society, the law says

that I have to report you
to the police.

Did you call them?

Not yet.

I've treated psychotics before,
and people

with the right combination
of chemical imbalance

and psychological damage
that can't be reached.

You think that's me?

You think I can't get better?

You?
You kidding me?

You're hopeless.

Everybody can get better, Tate.

Everybody.

I just think you're scared.

Of what, I'm not sure yet.

Maybe rejection.

Certainly

because of what
your father did to you.

I was afraid
my big dick wouldn't work.

What?

Yeah, that's why
I didn't take the meds.

Tate.
I was afraid

my dick wouldn't work.

Because I met someone.

This one I did
after my dad left.

I was ten, I think.

Last week, first day
at my new school-- sucks.

Westfield, right?
The worst.

I got thrown out of there.

I hate it here.
I hate everyone.

All there bourgeoisy
designer bullshit.

East Coast was much cooler.

I mean, at least we had weather.

I love it
when the leaves change.

Yeah, me, too.

Why did you move here?

My dad had an affair.

My mom literally caught him
in the act.

That's horrible.

If you love someone, you should
never hurt them... never.

Right? I know.

And the worst part is
that six months earlier,

my mom had, like, this
brutal miscarriage.

The baby was seven months old,

and we had to have
this macabre funeral.

Have you ever seen
a baby coffin?

♪ You have to get back in
the saddle ♪

♪ "It's a special death,"
you say ♪

I'm sorry.

♪ And me,
the brown-eyed daughter ♪

Why are you seeing my dad?

Don't ask questions you already
know the answer to.

You're smarter than that.

Want to listen to Morrissey?

He's cool and he's pissy

and he hates everyone
and everything.

Got any Kurt Cobain
on that thing?

What are you doing in here?

Just listening to music, Dad.

You need to leave, Tate.
I'm sorry.

He shouldn't be in here, and
I think you know that-- please.

What's that thing
you think I'm afraid of?

Fear of rejection?

Stay away from him.

Dad, nothing...
You heard me!

No!

Bullet, bullet, bullet!

Hey, babe, you seen
my razor blades?

Your family
is in danger.

What are you doing?

Why are you in my house?!

I want you to stay
out of my house.

Do you understand?

Can I smoke in here?
No.

Adelaide, answer me, please.

Can I pet your dog?

No, Adelaide, I want you
to stay out of the house.

I want you to stop coming in

and opening things up

and telling me
that I'm going to die.

She said that?

She says that to everybody.

Say you're sorry, Addy.

No, they did it.
Who did it?

The twins.

Shh.

Can I...
pet your dog?

No, Adelaide, listen to me.

I want you to stop coming
in here without permission.

Am I clear?

Vivien.
Am I clear?

Yes.
Thank you.

Time to go, Addy.

Hallie!
Are you okay?

She shouldn't have done that.

Sorry about all this.

You touch my kid one more time

and I will break
your goddamn arm.

No! I have no evidence

of any past violence.

No, I don't have his social.

Listen, do not
transfer me again.

I'm trying to report a patient
of high school age,

that I believe
could be dangerous.

Yes. Yes, I'll hold.

Unbelievable.

May I clean in here?

It's not a good time, Moira.

It's Thursday.

I get off in 20 minutes.

If I don't do it now, it's not
getting done until Monday.

Am I distracting you?

Why don't you touch me
a little?

Get out.

What are you afraid of?

Your wife's not home.

She's probably at Pilates.

I won't tell.

Oh, God.
I didn't tell when you saw me

playing with myself
the other day.

Please, just go.

Did you touch yourself after?

Please just go.

You did.

Do it again.

Show me.

Oh, shit.

Violet! Violet!

Damn it!

I'm not scared of you!
Should be!

Fight, fight, fight!

Oh, she friggin' burned me!

In my professional opinion,

whoever painted this wall had
some deep psychological issues.

I thought you had a patient.

Ah, they bailed.
You want some help cleaning up?

Yeah.

Thanks.

This thing doesn't
tweak you out?

There's something about it that
I find... really comforting.

One of my psych professors
told me that people

tell stories to cope
with their fears.

All art and myths
are just creations

to give us some sense of control
over the things we're scared of.

Afraid of dying,
create reincarnation.

Afraid of evil,
create a benevolent God

who sends evildoers to Hell.

I think I just like that I don't
have to think while I do it.

Okay.

I always thought you were
prettiest like this.

No makeup. Messy hair.

A little sweaty.

I'm old.

Stop.

You're beautiful.

You are.

No.

Ben...

Violet won't be
home for an hour.

No. Okay, Ben? No.

Come on, babe.
Ben...

No.

Sorry. Just no.

How long, Viv?

How long are you going
to punish me for?

I'm not punishing you,
you narcissistic asshole!

I'm trying to figure out
how to forgive you

for having sex with
one of your students.

You want me to
have sex with you?

I can't even look
at your face, Ben,

without seeing the
expression on it

while you were pile-driving
her in our bed!

I screwed up!

How many times do
I have to say it?

I'm sorry!

I was hurting, too.

Oh...

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Did, did the, did the life that
was growing inside you die?

And did you have to carry
that around in your belly?

The dead corpse
of our baby son?

Did you have to go into labor,
and deliver our child?

Dead?

My son died too!

My baby died, too!

And you buried your sorrow
in some 21-year-old's pussy.

You know, I could show you
statistics on how many men

cheat after a miscarriage.

I was there for you, Viv.
I was patient,

and understanding,
and caring...

and I put your feelings first.

My hero.

You know, I don't even
know how to say this

without coming off like
an asshole, I really don't.

You know what? Just go ahead.

Really.
Never stopped you before.

You're so angry, why don't you
really tell it like it is?

Six months of therapy
with you apologizing,

and crying, was bullshit.

So, please, tell me
how you really feel.

You got a dog.

I needed you,
and you got a dog.

Oh...!

It was me you should have been
curling up with at night!

Not a dog!

Oh, so...
I needed you!

You needed me? So she was
revenge, because you needed me,

because I wasn't there for
you in your time of need?

Now I get it!

We haven't had sex
in almost a year.

Yeah... you think
I don't know that?

October 20th.

We had great sex, babe.
It was loving and sexy

and personal, and even
a little, even a little weird.

I love you.

I moved across country for you.

Because, in all my life,

the only thing I've
been truly scared of

is losing you;
losing this family.

Something horrible
happened to us.

And we handled it
even more horribly.

But this...

this place...

is our second chance, babe.

It's our second chance.

But I just...

I just need to know
that you want it, too.

Tell me, honey.

What are you doing?

Viv...

What are you doing?

Oh!

We're going to be happy here.

Here you go, Hallie.

Good girl. Hey.

Whoa. Come here.

What happened to your face?

Fell down.

Come here.

Sit, sit, sit.

Boy or girl?

Girls. Three of them.

Hope they look
worse than you do.

You know their names?

I'm not narking.

You know, we can easily move
you to a different school.

There are a lot of really
good private schools

right in this neighborhood.

I'm not running away.
I'm not scared of them.

Not afraid of anything.

It's like that time
in kindergarten,

when you insisted that I bring
you home from the slumber party

'cause all the other girls were
sleeping with the nightlight on.

I know you've gotten the short
end of the stick, lately.

This move, and...

...your dad and I haven't
exactly been great to be around.

Why don't you guys get divorced,
if you're so miserable?

We still love each other.

You could've fooled me.

I thought you hated each other.

Well, at least you hated him.

I don't blame you.
He was a shithead.

Sorry.

It's okay.

He was a shithead.

You know, we got
a lot of history.

Your dad's been through a lot,
I've been through a lot.

Guess we need each other.

What are you scared of?

You said I'm not scared
of anything, so...

what scares you?

Lately?

Everything.

Life will do that to you.

I hate her!

I just want to kill her!

Then do it!
One less high school bitch

making the lives of
the less fortunate

more tolerable is, in my
opinion, a public service.

Look, you want her
to leave you alone?

Stop making your
life a living hell?

Short of killing her,
there's only one solution.

Scare her.
Make her afraid of you.

It's the only thing
bullies react to.

How?
It's simple.

You simply walk up
to her and say,

Here's the deal: I need you
to stop harassing me.

I got what you want. Drugs.

Come to my house tomorrow
for your free sample.

I'm a dealer, and a good one.
I got the best shit in town.

She's a cokehead.
I don't have coke.

You won't need any. It's just
an excuse to get her here.

After that, she'll leave
empty-handed and terrified.

And I promise you, you'll never
be bothered by her again.

How am I going to terrify her?
Helter-skelter!

That's where I come in.

Hot.

I thought I told you
to throw that thing away.

Oh, you're not talking?

Well, I'll give you
points for creativity.

We were pretty hot
this afternoon.

You really want to go
for round two, huh?

Come on. I can be kinky.

Now is not your time.

Enjoy the house.

Go back to bed.

I love you.

I love you, too.

What's down there?

My stash.

Parents toss
my room every week.

If you're screwing with me...

It's just the basement.

I found the best hiding place.

This is great shit, too.

All the coke coming
to the U.S. from Central America

smuggled in on lobster boats
in Gloucester.

I used to show my boobs
to the lobstermen

in return for a key or two
before they cut it.

So where is it?

Right around the corner.

To the right.

This place is a dump.

Oh, shut up.

I want my goddamn drugs.

Then keep going.

So this is the coke whore.

Who the hell are you?

Get the lights.

What is going on?!
What is going on?!

Kill her! Kill her!
Kill her! Kill her!

Get off of me! Get off of me!

Get off me! Get off me!

Stop!

Stop! Please, stop!

Mommy...?

Will you wait?!

I don't think she'll be
bothering you anymore.

What was that?!
What are you talking about?

She hit me in the balls
and got away.

She must have run into
a wall or something.

No, I saw something!

What are you talk...?
Violet, you're talking crazy.

This is cool.
We showed that bitch.

Get out!
I never want to see you again!

I thought you weren't afraid
of anything!

Who are you and why
are you following me?!

Your family is in danger!

What happened to you?

Pretty, aren't I?

It's over 70% of my body.

I'm Larry Harvey.

And you have to get
out of that house.

I could have you
arrested, you know.

Peeking in people's windows
is still a crime.

Even in L.A.

They're not gonna put me
back into jail.

I have brain cancer.

Terminal, inoperable.

I'm sorry.

Don't be. That's the only reason
they let me out.

Homicide. Triple homicide.

I was in that house
for six months

before I started
hearing voices.

My wife thought
I was working too hard.

My daughter Angie was six.

The older one,
Margaret, was ten.

She looked like her mother.

That's funny how it skips
a generation like that.

I killed them... all.

Lorraine was ill that night.
She took a pill.

She went to bed early, my wife.

And then I, uh,
I put the girls down,

and then the voices started.

They told me what to do.

I was like...

an obedient child.

I...

I don't know how
I put myself out.

I remember that night...

but it's like a dream.

Have you been sleepwalking?

Yeah... Look at my case.

Read the transcript.

Listen to me, I'm a doctor.

They may not put
you back in jail,

but I can certainly
have you committed

to a state mental institution.

And trust me,
those places make prison

look like Club Med.

Leave my family alone!
Do you hear me?

Please, please, please,
you have to get out of there!

That place is evil.

Get off of me!

Leave us alone!

Leave us alone!

Put those earrings back.

Jesus H. Christ.

You almost gave me
a heart attack.

Those belonged to madam.

This is her house, not yours.

Why is it that it is
always the old whore

who acts the part
of a moralistic prude?

I'd be nervous
if I were you, too.

When things go missing, they
always blame the new maid.

I'd move if I were you.

Don't make me kill you again.

Hey.

Hey.

What do you want for dinner?

Whatever you want.

I think I want Indian food.

You only like Indian food
when you're pregnant.

Really?

Mm.

Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.

Oh...!

And I got a gun!