American Dad! (2005–…): Season 7, Episode 6 - The Scarlet Getter - full transcript

♪ Good morning, USA! ♪

♪ I got a feeling that
it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪

♪ The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ♪

♪ And he's shining a salute
to the American race ♪

♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪

♪ Good... ♪
♪ Good morning, USA ♪

Aah!

♪ Good morning, USA! ♪

(all laughing uncontrollably)

Attention, everyone.

As you all know,
there has been an alien



on the loose for quite some time now.

I've checked my house.
He's not in my house.

Good work, Smith.

Still, the search could use
a little boost.

Everyone, meet freelance
alien bounty hunter,

Shannon Sharpe.

Glad to be aboard.

Shannon Sharpe?
The football guy?

Yeah. I hunt aliens now.

Used to catch TDs; now I catch ETs.

You ever caught an alien, Shannon?

Not yet, Mr. Question,

but I'll let you know when I do.

Anyone with any helpful information



should report it to
Shannon Sharpe immediately.

Let's bring in this damn alien
once and for all.

Yes! Let's bring it in!

I want to bring it in so bad!

(grunting)

You are a complicated man, Smith.

I would love to do
mushrooms with you.

(horn honking)

Oh, no! I overslept!

Oh, no! I'm out of undies!

Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no.
Oh, no. Oh, no.

(sighs)

Thanks for holding the bus, Judy.

(yelling)

(sighs) I overslept.

I didn't even get to study
for my test today.

Steve, what the hell are you wearing?

Ah, man. I must have grabbed a pair

of Hayley's underwear from the dryer.

This day can't get any worse!

Those are Hayley's?

Let me smell them.

Snot, we're on the bus.

I'm not going to take them off.

That's not what I asked.

(bell dings)

Thanks for meeting me
here between classes.

No problem.

You doing the Nigerian
medical student?

Yep. First one in my village

to pretend to become a doctor.

Listen, the CIA's getting
serious about finding you.

You need to be extra careful
with your disguises.

Don't worry, Stan.

I commit to my personas
down to the last detail.

By the way, I just
inherited U.S. $22 million,

of which I'll give you 45%

if you can just wire
me the taxes up front.

Thanks.
(door opens, bell dings)

Oh, my God.
Scarlett Reynolds.

We were in CIA boot camp together.

I haven't seen her in 20 years.

Oh, my God!
Coffee and a story.

STAN:
Man, was I in love.

We were inseparable.

(rapid gunfire)

It was the most romantic time
of my life.

Wow, Stan.
That's amazing.

Why did you guys break up?

Oh, none of that was real.

We were at boot camp together,

but everything else
was just a fantasy.

Come on. Penguins don't have nipples.

Anyway, I never worked up the courage

to tell her I liked her.

I can't say I blame you, Staniel.

She's a looker.

I think I'm going to ask her out.

You?!

You three-foot-tall, gray,
disgusting piece of (bleep)!

(gasps)
Scarlett's an angel.

You're a pig.

She would never go for you.

Listen, you, that hurts.

I like to think of myself
as a pretty strong person,

but you... you cracked it.

Congratulations.

Scones here are super flaky.

Stan?

Stan Smith?

Who's there?
Who's that?

Scarlett Reynolds,
from CIA boot camp.

Oh, my God!

What are you doing here?

I'm in town on business.

Are you still working at the CIA?

Hardly working, or am I hard?

I'm hard.
How are you?

Great. I left the agency
after boot camp,

and now I work in the private sector.

(laughing):
Privates!

You look great.

We've got to catch up.

(laughs nervously)
Yes. Yes.

Come over for dinner.
(giggles)

I'm married, but most people
get divorced these days.

(high-pitched laughing)

KLAUS:
Come on.

Ooh, yeah, here we are.

Damn it!

Klaus, I just had the luckiest day.

My hair was perfect, we had
French bread pizza at lunch,

and the old black janitor
said to me, and I quote,

"You lookin' fly.
Go get it now."

Hard to believe the day
turned out so great,

considering it started with me

accidentally putting
on Hayley's panties.

Hold up.

Have you considered
those might be lucky panties?

What, like The Sisterhood
of the Traveling Pants,

but with panties instead of pants

and me instead of Tibby Rollins?

Ugh. Why do you say
stuff like that, man?

Look, all I'm saying is,
lucky clothes are a thing.

If you don't believe me,
test them out.

BOTH (gasp):
Lucky panties!

I hope Scarlett likes our flatware.

Why wouldn't she?

'Cause it sucks, Francine!

We have terrible flatware!

(panting)
Stan, calm down.

You're so nervous.

Wouldn't you be if
the love of your life

was about to walk through that door?

The love of your life?

This girl made my knees weak,

my palms sweaty, my butt leak.

You ever felt that way, Francine?

Stan, my feelings
are starting to get hurt.

You know what? You're making me
not want to tell you things.

(doorbell rings)

(Stan giggling excitedly)

Open it.

So, Scarlett, is there
a man in your life?

Or a woman?

Or a big blue ma-ma-ma-ma-ma friend?

Nah. I'm still single.

I guess I just haven't found the one.

(laughs) Hey!
Hey, you're available.

And I'm not.
What a world.

What a horrible world.

Whew, I think I'm getting
dizzy from your wine.

I think I'm getting dizzy
from your fine.

(laughing)

(high-pitched laughing)

Oh, for God's sake.

I'm going to go...

Doesn't matter... you're not
paying any attention.

I don't know.
Surprise me.

Ugh.

You ever wish
someone you know would die?

♪ Wish you would step back
from that ledge, my friend ♪

You would...

♪ You could cut ties
with all the lies ♪

♪ That you've been living in ♪

♪ And if you do not
want to see me again ♪

♪ I would understa... ♪

I'm sorry.

♪ Ah... ♪

Just a second. I...

♪ Ah. ♪

What?

You wouldn't believe what
a D-bag Stan is being.

He's got his old
boot camp crush down there.

Those two are stuck
on each other like gum

on a hot summer sidewalk
on a summer afternoon.

I'm sorry.

I'm taking a creative writing class,

and I can't turn it off.

Like a fire hydrant,

gushing onto a hot summer sidewalk.

My words cascading,

like water onto a
hot summer sidewalk.

A cat skitters by,
each step a relief,

cooling its paws

from the hot summer sidewalk.

Oh, I know all about Scarlett.

Your bastard husband told me
I was too disgusting to get her.

I was so upset, I ate a donut.

That's why I skipped dinner.

(whispering):
I got a pizza coming.

So many toppings.

God, I'm pissed at Stan.

He needs to be taken down a peg.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

All the time, bitch.
Good.

So you'll interrupt this dinner

dressed in your most charming,
irresistible persona.

Dan Andsome-Handsome.

No woman can resist him.

Whoo!

Just hearing his name makes me hot.

Like a hot summer sidewalk.

An ice cream man saunters...

Okay.

Okay, Scarlett, this is ten quarters.

If I can do it, you have to kiss me.

(screams)
Okay, one more time.

One more time.
ROGER: Sorry I'm late.

Name's Dan Andsome-Handsome.

You're the most stunning woman
I've ever seen.

Uh... I'm Scarlett.

Mmm.

Let me take you out,
show you my Langley Falls.

Uh, Dan, I...

I hardly think Scarlett's
going to have time to...

I'd love to.

All right, Stan, don't make a scene.

Just say something witty
and exit on the laugh.

So jealous!

Bye, Scarlett.
Drive safe.

Great night.
Wonderful night.

What the hell are you doing?

Farting off part of that dinner.

- What are you doing?
- You know what I'm talking about!

Pretty simple, really... you told me

I couldn't get her,
so I'm going to get her.

Naked.

All right, I-I was wrong.

You can get her, but don't.
Any girl but her.

You can't keep two girls on lockdown.

You already got Francine.

If you want to let her go,
then I'll back off Scarlett.

Of course, then, I'll plow Francine.

I'd let him, too.

Dan Andsome-Handsome gives me
quite the wide-on.

Ah... oh...

But my fantasy girl.

Stan, you have no right

to interfere with Roger's love life.

Look, Stan, you're married.
You're out of the running.

And I think we both agree
that it's not all right

for a girl like that to go a day
without a crispy pickle.

(sighs) Fine.

I won't interfere.

Oh, well, I'm sorry
you're stuck with me.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

Honey, no, no, don't...
don't do that.

It's not all your fault.
We both said, "I do."

All right, lucky panties.

Work your sateen magic.

Ho-ho, easy on the tush, fellas, hey.

(gasps)

Wh-Wh-Who took my panties,

m-my women's panties
th-that I was wearing?

Has anyone seen my women's
panties that I was wearing?!

Snot.

Without those lucky panties,
who knows what could happen?

Eh, maybe I'm just being silly.

Ow.

A syringe?

Oops, I should be more careful.

I need that.

I share it with everyone.

What looks good to you?

Don't do that.

You know exactly what looks good...

(inhales)

... your cans and your toilet.

(coughs)

What do you say we skip dinner
and go straight to dessert?

You... whore.

Dessert sounds great.

Stan, what are you doing here?

Thought I'd treat
you kids to dessert.

Let's see what we got here.

We can eliminate
everything with dairy

because it gives this guy
the green apple splatters.

Um, Stan, I'm not so sure that...

Oh, right, we shouldn't share forks

because of your rampant mouth VD.

So maybe skip dessert

and each of us go
to our separate homes?

(high-pitched):
May I have a word with you?

You said you weren't going
to interfere.

Yeah, I also said I love
to spend time with my kids.

Look, there's no way
I'm letting you ruin

my fantasy of Scarlett
by having sex with her.

Are you challenging me?

Are you a challenger?

Are you challenging me to
make a Challenger joke?

Because it's too soon and too sad

and I really don't have a good one.

I'm taking you home right now
and locking you in the attic.

(screaming)

(whimpering and crying)

(continues screaming)

Yo, nerds, any of you seen an alien?

No, we're looking for panties.

Oh, we're all looking for stuff.

Hey, panty thief,
give me my panties back!

Never!

I love them so much!

Damn it.

Anybody got any ideas?

I got one.

(arm fart)

Now, how do we market it?

(slurring):
Welco-Welcome home, space lothario.

You might have slept with Scarlett,

but I'm wearing your robe.

Ha!

Hey, that's my pooping robe.

I can tell by all the
poop on the edges.

And while I'm being candid,

I did not make the acquaintance
of Scarlett's insides.

Ha, she wouldn't let you sleep
with her, huh?

Attagirl.

Oh, no, she was begging me for it,

but I decided it wasn't
quite the right setting.

Setting?

You know your ski chalet fantasy?

That's where I want to do it.

I want to take your dream girl
into your dream setting

and plow her in real life.

You wouldn't.

Oh, but I would.

I'm gonna do it like this.
(grunts)

And then I'm gonna do it like this.

(grunts)

And then it's her turn.

A-boom-boom-boom-boom-
boom-boom-boom-boom-boom.

Shannon Sharpe, sharpening a machete,

gonna catch an alien
and eat some spaghetti.

(knocking)

Hold on, spaghetti,
I got to get that.

Shannon Sharpe?

If you want to catch the alien,

I know where you can find him.

Hey, that's my spaghetti.

This is the first I'm hearing of it.

Oh, man, this is exciting.

Gonna catch my first alien.

So, uh, what do you think
the CIA will do

with the alien when you bring it in?

Oh, they're going to dissect him
like a frog, like Kermit.

That's probably my favorite frog.

Hey, if you get a runny nose,

I've got napkins in the glove box.

Every time I go to Wendy's,

I grab a handful of
those yellow napkins.

Klaus, what's going on?

I'm moving into Roger's attic.

Stan turned him over
to an alien hunter.

Wh-What?

Yeah, he was super P.O.'d

about Roger taking Scarlett
away for the weekend...

careful with that box!

You hold it precariously
and I am distrustful.

Thank you, Rico.

Gracias, Rico.

How's your wife's
Looney Tunes jean jacket?

Just like in my fantasy.

You go on ahead, Stan,

I'm just waterproofing
my snakeskin boots.

I won't be but a minute.

Get off of her, you gross, gray arf!

Where's Rog... Dan?

He's... in the back.

What are you doing here?

Hey, Stan, look at my boots.

The water just beads up.

Aw, damn, Scarlett?

Hello, Shannon.

Wait, you two know each other?

Of course I know this fine lady.

Best alien hunter around,

but not today 'cause
that alien is mine.

What?

No, th-there must be some mistake.

(groans)

There's no mistake.

Oh, boner, not now.

Oh...

Panties, oh, panties.

Steve, what are you doing?

I-I accidentally wore your
panties the other day...

the really cute pair
with the lace job?

When I wore them, I had
the best luck of my life,

but then Snot stole them.

Aw, Snot has them?

Yeah, now I need another pair.

I need my luck back!

(sighs)

Look, Steve, remember on The Smurfs

when Wimpy Smurf
wasn't feeling very strong

and Papa Smurf made him
a magic courage potion?

Of course.

And remember it worked,
but then in the end,

Papa Smurf admitted
it wasn't magic at all?

It was just regular old
Smurf Berry Jam.

Classic episode.

Steve, those panties weren't lucky.

It was the confidence they gave you

that made you feel lucky.

Hey, and guess what.

That confidence is in... side... you.

Oh, thanks, Hayley.

(chuckling):
All right, run along now.

(kicks down door)

I have had the worst luck
since I lost those panties.

Give 'em back, you son of a bitch!

(gasps, mumbles)

Oh, hell, no.

(mumbling)

(screams)

(both grunting)

(gurgling screams)

(Hayley screams, Snot groans)

(pained groaning)

(snap)

Give 'em to me.

(spits)

(groans)

That was amazing.

Those are the luckiest panti
in the world.

(wind whistling)

You're an alien hunter?

That's right.

I purposefully ran into you
at the coffee shop

'cause I knew you had the alien.

Why else would I even give you
the time of day?

Really?

You're a loser.

You were a nobody at the academy

and you're a nobody now,

and you saw me kill someone
so now I'm going to kill you.

Oh, man, you are the worst right now.

I can't believe I spent all
those years pining after you.

Well, allow me to erase that memory.

Go ahead, shoot me.

You're trash.

I have the best wife at home.

She's terrific, she's sexy,
she's smart but not very.

Lady, my wife blows you away.

Damn right I do.

Francine?

Oh, oh, oh, oh!

(screams)

Oh, my God.

Wow, she was really dry.

Oh, Francine, I'm so sorry

for being such a sack of beans,

fantasizing over Scarlett.

No, it's okay.

Sometimes I like to fantasize

you're a group
of angry construction workers

when we're making love.

But what woman doesn't look back

on her first time with fondness?

(both moan)

To think I almost turned Roger
into the CIA.

Shannon Sharpe said
they were gonna dissect...

ROGER:
Help!

(gasps)
Roger!

Oh, gross!
(horrified scream)

Roger!

Hey, can you guys put me back
together before I die over here?

Preesh.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

(wind whistling)

Thanks for saving me, dudes.

So when did you realize
Scarlett was an alien hunter?

Took a little longer
than I'd prefer to admit.

For a while, I just thought
we were having super-kinky sex,

and then she cut off my face.

Sorry for interfering
with your love life, pal.

Yeah, I'm sorry for going
after your fantasy girl.

Come on, let's go home.

You guys go ahead,

I'm gonna make
the Shannon Sharpe thing

look like a suicide.

Yeah, it's pretty clear
what happened here.

This man shot himself,
fell against the painting,

then took out a knife.

Back to the office, boss?

Uh-uh, it's movie time.

Are you serious?

Am I dialing Moviefone right now?

Yes!