American Dad! (2005–…): Season 7, Episode 18 - Toy Whorey - full transcript
Stan takes Steve to Mexico for sex so that he will forget about playing with toys, but they get kidnapped instead. Meanwhile, Roger searches for the perfect wine to go with Francine's steaks.
♪ Good morning, USA! ♪
♪ I got a feeling that it's
gonna be a wonderful day ♪
♪ The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ♪
♪ And he's shining a salute
to the American race ♪
♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪
♪ Good... ♪
♪ Good morning, USA ♪
Aah!
♪ Good morning, USA! ♪
Hey, Damien, what you gonna do
when the space war is over?
Open a Lady Foot Locker,
hang myself in the back.
You know, take it easy.
It's an ambush!
They're everywhere!
Tell my wife that I loved you.
Just in time, Phillip.
Dino-sorry we're late.
You guys really
saved our asses.
You mean your cabooses.
Train!
I'm a train!
Dad, I was playing there!
That's why I threw my
briefcase on top of it.
The symbolism is
just too delicious.
Adulthood is crashing
down on you, Steve.
You're too old to be
playing with toys.
What?
You're never too old to play.
Using your imagination's
a healthy way
to escape reality for a spell.
No, that's what drugs
and alcohol are for.
Steve, you're 14;
no more make-believe.
But I love making believe.
Well, it's time to give all
that up and become an adult.
Never!
Jet pack activate!
To forever and above!
You're a dick, Steve.
Ugh, I don't have
the fingers for this.
I have the fingers
for a lot of things...
Seasoning pizza dough,
snapping along to R&B songs,
finger banging.
Bang-bang! Bang-bang!
Good, right?
Not at first but then
yes, it got very good.
Damn, bitch!
What happened to you?
I slipped at the market
and landed on my head and nose.
The manager was so scared
I was gonna sue,
he gave me free steaks!
Smart. There's no way
a lawsuit could have been
more lucrative than
two supermarket steaks.
Right. So I was thinking,
Stan's working late,
how 'bout I cook up a nice
steak dinner for the two of us?
Hey! Fun!
Not a lot of fun, but enough.
What can I bring?
Mm, maybe a nice
bottle of wine?
Oh, you bitch.
You did it.
Stupid, stupid bitch
doesn't even know.
She is gonna get
the best bottle of wine
of her stupid bitch life.
She-she doesn't even know!
Oh, no.
Where's the Rain Duck?
Damn it, all out.
Got to hit the store.
But what car to take?
Ah, '97 Toyota Camry.
Only 32 made in the world.
Maybe I'll take my bike.
Such a nice day.
Now stay tuned
for Jimmy Kimmel Live.
Oh, man!
This is gonna be so good.
I need this.
I don't know if you've
picked up on my vibe lately,
but I've been pretty upset.
Steve won't stop
playing with toys.
Oh, you're bugging, huh?
Yeah, but not for long.
Because tonight,
when Steve's asleep,
I'm gonna go in
and get rid of all his toys.
Nice.
Ninety-eight-point-six.
I'm telling you, I feel warm.
Check it again.
Evening, Robbie.
Any intelligence to report?
Tonight, when Steve's asleep,
I'm gonna go in
and get rid of all his toys.
Oh, dear Lord.
I knew this day would come.
Ladies and gentlemen,
may I have your attention.
Tonight, we fight for our lives!
Yeah!
String on tail.
Obviously, that's nothing.
Ooh!
Steve, h-hand over
the gun, okay?
L-Let's talk.
I think we'll leave the talk
to Tavis Smiley,
weeknights on PBS.
Good job, men.
Our victory was hard-fought
and well-deserved.
Please, make the pain go away.
I, uh, think he meant,
like, an Advil.
What am I gonna do about Steve?
He's gonna play
with toys forever!
Calm down.
Steve will leave
his toys behind
when he gets interested
in adult things.
What, like,
mung beans and regret?
No. Sex.
As soon as Steve
gets a taste of vachooch,
those toys will be
a thing of the past.
But that could take forever.
Steve is not a... sensual boy.
No, but my cologne is.
Sensual Boy by Klaus.
Smell it.
And that's why it's virtually
impossible for me to get fired,
no matter what I do.
Hi-ya!
Karate.
Steve, get up.
We're going to Mexico.
I'm taking you to a whorehouse
to get you laid.
Uh, okay.
Didn't see my day
going this way, but good, okay.
Hi-ya!
Now, son, these Mexican
call girls have seen
thousands of men, so when
they tell you you're the best
they've ever had,
it's quite a compliment.
Steve?
You all right, Philip?
You look a little green.
Hey! Where'd that
toy come from?!
You got to have a road toy.
Son, I am bringing
you to Mexico
to show you that you
don't need toys anymore!
And by the way,
father of the year here.
This is how I wish
I lost my virginity.
Not to some coked-up airhead.
Didn't you lose
your virginity to Mom?
Mm-hmm.
Roget!
Seb!
Seb, mon ami, a sweet stupid
lady has invited me for steaks,
and only a bottle
of Rain Duck will do.
Oh, je regrette.
They are no longer
making the Rain Duck,
and we just sold
our last bottle.
What? To who?!
To the homosexual news team.
Oh, my God, Greg and Terry--
they love me!
They'll totally
give me that bottle!
Hola.
Business or pleasure?
Buying pleasure is my business.
Oh!
Oh-ho-ho, ho-ho-ho!
Yes.
Ha-ha, ha-ha-ha,
ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
Hee! He-he-he-he, he-he!
Steve, what are you doing?
Just trying to get in on it.
Well, don't.
You're embarrassing me
in front of my best friend.
Hey, Terry, it's me--
Wait, who do you know me as?
Stan's Uncle Roger.
Good for me
for keeping it simple.
So, the guys over at the wine
store accidentally sold you
a bottle of Rain Duck
they were holding for me.
I'll just grab the wine,
and in return, I will
give you back your garage keys.
I sometimes sleep
under your car.
Like a cat or a meth addict.
I'm not a cat.
Listen, we bought
the Rain Duck.
It's our Rain Duck.
You're out of luck.
You're out of Duck.
Good one, T!
Oh. Well.
That's surely the last
you'll hear from me
regarding this matter.
Good day.
Francine, postpone the steaks!
Are you talking to me?!
You have to talk louder
if you want me to hear you!
I said postpone the steaks!
I don't have the wine!
Can't we just drink
a different wine?!
You're getting a punch!
What?!
When I get over there,
I'm going to punch you!
Please don't!
Two punches!
What?! Why?!
I'm gonna keep adding punches.
Here we are, son.
Behind that door lies a goddess
who will usher you
into adulthood.
Man, I'm excited.
Sh-Should I,
should I get one, too?
Sh-Should-- no, no.
I mean, maybe. I mean, no, no.
I don't know, I don't know,
probably.
Quieres sex?
Whew!
That was unexpected.
Was she... was that...
was she cooking?
I-I don't know what
the plan was for that tortilla.
Not to worry though, plenty of
first-class cathouses down here.
We'll just go to another.
Now, this is more like it, eh?
Take your pick of the ladies.
Line up, girls!
Pick me! Pick me!
No, pick me, Papi,
I do it better!
What he hell's
going on down here?
Well, son, I guess
finding a good brothel
is a bit like "Goldilocks
and the Three Bears."
I'm sure the third one
will be just right.
I was wrong!
The third one was the worst!
Horchata!
Horchata deliciosa!
Dad, this is awful.
Can we go home?
You think I'm not upset?
I wanted to watch
my little boy with a whore.
Aw, seriously, Mexico?
Hi!
I'm Christopher, and this is
my adopted daughter Opal Louise.
We are having quite a day.
My Prius's nickel battery
is acting up,
my iPhone's as dead
as Farrah Fawcett,
and my life partner Michael
is at a Grey Goose
event in Reykjavik.
Can I use your phone?
Get... in... my
house... now.
Can you take my baby
into the other room?
I prefer her not to
see me use landlines.
I get it.
Wait a minute.
There's no Grey Goose event
in Reykjavik this week...
Who are you?
Ouah!
Roger!
What about your baby?
Keep it!
Hey... you can't drive
with no wheels.
Thank you, genius!
My cousin sells tires.
You want me take you there?
Really?
Wow, I was just about to
give up on this country.
Thank you, Mexican.
Friends, burritos, you are the
first good thing to happen to us
in this godforsaken country.
You know, most of
our country is wonderful.
Oh, by the way?
You're being kidnapped
right now.
Oh, come on, Mexico!
Dad, I don't feel so good.
Horchata!
What do you want from us?
Firstly? For you not to yell.
I am right here.
We're a drug cartel,
so it's just good to have
white people around.
Maybe we sell you,
maybe we make sex with you...
Well, son, this is where we die.
We had a good run.
Mine better than yours,
but it's not a competition.
I win.
Dad, you'll think of
something else, right?
Nope, Daddy's shuttin' down.
Pop, you need to eat.
You're wasting away.
You're doing
a reverse Vince Vaughn.
Sorry, kiddo,
it's time to face reality.
We're gonna die.
Well, if you won't eat for me,
maybe you'll do it for...
Pedro!
That's right, man!
You need to eat,
so you can get strong
and come on
a wonderful adventure!
Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom.
I... I don't
want to play, Steve.
Mmm.
This food can be
anything you want
if you use your imagination.
I'm eating taquitos!
My favorite, except
they make me toot.
Whoops, there I go.
Can you smell it?
Is it stinky?
Stop farting, Pedro!
It's so stinky!
I smell it!
I can smell your farts, Pedro!
And Pedro, you're so...
handsome.
Welcome to the world
of imagination.
In here, you can
imagine whatever you want.
Anything?
Anything.
You're quite good.
I know.
Okay, the steaks
are almost ready.
Where's the wine?
Just moments away, sweetheart.
My Rube Goldberg device
will deliver the Rain Duck
right into our hands.
When I was a little
girl, Grover Cleveland was President.
Now we wait until they
notice our power is out
and come over to check on us.
Ah, screw it.
I'm done waiting for this wine.
Damn Rube Goldberg,
family of flies...
600 bucks on dominos...
Hey, Francine.
Oh God! My face!
Oh...
Your face.
Your face!
Our faces...
You got it!
That's how you get
a bottle of Rain Duck!
String on a corkscrew...
Obviously that's nothing.
You wanted both steaks.
Mm-hmm.
Mmm.
Is Francine dead?
I don't know.
You know who else
was a cockroach?
Theo Huxtable's best friend.
Oh, that's right, that's right.
Hey, Dad! Look!
It's a food drop!
It's coming in for a landing!
Nom, nom, nom.
Nom, nom, nom, nom.
Wow.
When was the last time
you had that much fun?
Years.
Oh. So you didn't have fun
at my birthday party last week?
Dude, there was a huge fire;
all those people died.
Oh, God, yeah.
Wow, those guys look so bummed.
That gives me an idea.
Hey, amigos.
Wanna play?
Hey, look!
Two handsome Latino astronauts!
Yes! We are back
from space!
We went to Jupiter...
We went to...
one of those other planets.
Hey, while you were gone,
the space puppies were born.
Oh my God,
I knew that would happen!
Can we see them?
Can you see them?
You're their uncles.
I hope you'll see them.
I hope you'll have a great
relationship with them.
So cute! Oh, so cute!
I know!
I'm freaking out about it!
You guys want to pet them?
Yes, yes, si.
Yes, yes!
All right, I'll let you in,
but you gotta keep the door
closed so they don't escape.
We'll be right out here,
taking pictures and waving.
Come on, Dad! Let's go!
Oh...
Deceived once again by whimsy.
I am impressed, son.
How did you trick
those guards like that?
I could see they were desperate
to escape their reality,
so I just provided
an opportunity.
I do it all the time at home.
Geez, is your life
really that bad?
Sometimes.
More often than I'd like.
It'd be really nice
to talk to somebody about it.
Anyway...
Well, I gotta hand it to you.
I would've starved to death if
you hadn't shown me how to play.
You keep your toys.
Thanks, Dad.
And thank you, Pedro.
See you around.
"See you around"?!
Are you kidding me?
I saved your lives!
Come back, you cowards!
I'll kill you!
I'll hunt you down
and kill you!
Bye! Have a beautiful time.
♪ I got a feeling that it's
gonna be a wonderful day ♪
♪ The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ♪
♪ And he's shining a salute
to the American race ♪
♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪
♪ Good... ♪
♪ Good morning, USA ♪
Aah!
♪ Good morning, USA! ♪
Hey, Damien, what you gonna do
when the space war is over?
Open a Lady Foot Locker,
hang myself in the back.
You know, take it easy.
It's an ambush!
They're everywhere!
Tell my wife that I loved you.
Just in time, Phillip.
Dino-sorry we're late.
You guys really
saved our asses.
You mean your cabooses.
Train!
I'm a train!
Dad, I was playing there!
That's why I threw my
briefcase on top of it.
The symbolism is
just too delicious.
Adulthood is crashing
down on you, Steve.
You're too old to be
playing with toys.
What?
You're never too old to play.
Using your imagination's
a healthy way
to escape reality for a spell.
No, that's what drugs
and alcohol are for.
Steve, you're 14;
no more make-believe.
But I love making believe.
Well, it's time to give all
that up and become an adult.
Never!
Jet pack activate!
To forever and above!
You're a dick, Steve.
Ugh, I don't have
the fingers for this.
I have the fingers
for a lot of things...
Seasoning pizza dough,
snapping along to R&B songs,
finger banging.
Bang-bang! Bang-bang!
Good, right?
Not at first but then
yes, it got very good.
Damn, bitch!
What happened to you?
I slipped at the market
and landed on my head and nose.
The manager was so scared
I was gonna sue,
he gave me free steaks!
Smart. There's no way
a lawsuit could have been
more lucrative than
two supermarket steaks.
Right. So I was thinking,
Stan's working late,
how 'bout I cook up a nice
steak dinner for the two of us?
Hey! Fun!
Not a lot of fun, but enough.
What can I bring?
Mm, maybe a nice
bottle of wine?
Oh, you bitch.
You did it.
Stupid, stupid bitch
doesn't even know.
She is gonna get
the best bottle of wine
of her stupid bitch life.
She-she doesn't even know!
Oh, no.
Where's the Rain Duck?
Damn it, all out.
Got to hit the store.
But what car to take?
Ah, '97 Toyota Camry.
Only 32 made in the world.
Maybe I'll take my bike.
Such a nice day.
Now stay tuned
for Jimmy Kimmel Live.
Oh, man!
This is gonna be so good.
I need this.
I don't know if you've
picked up on my vibe lately,
but I've been pretty upset.
Steve won't stop
playing with toys.
Oh, you're bugging, huh?
Yeah, but not for long.
Because tonight,
when Steve's asleep,
I'm gonna go in
and get rid of all his toys.
Nice.
Ninety-eight-point-six.
I'm telling you, I feel warm.
Check it again.
Evening, Robbie.
Any intelligence to report?
Tonight, when Steve's asleep,
I'm gonna go in
and get rid of all his toys.
Oh, dear Lord.
I knew this day would come.
Ladies and gentlemen,
may I have your attention.
Tonight, we fight for our lives!
Yeah!
String on tail.
Obviously, that's nothing.
Ooh!
Steve, h-hand over
the gun, okay?
L-Let's talk.
I think we'll leave the talk
to Tavis Smiley,
weeknights on PBS.
Good job, men.
Our victory was hard-fought
and well-deserved.
Please, make the pain go away.
I, uh, think he meant,
like, an Advil.
What am I gonna do about Steve?
He's gonna play
with toys forever!
Calm down.
Steve will leave
his toys behind
when he gets interested
in adult things.
What, like,
mung beans and regret?
No. Sex.
As soon as Steve
gets a taste of vachooch,
those toys will be
a thing of the past.
But that could take forever.
Steve is not a... sensual boy.
No, but my cologne is.
Sensual Boy by Klaus.
Smell it.
And that's why it's virtually
impossible for me to get fired,
no matter what I do.
Hi-ya!
Karate.
Steve, get up.
We're going to Mexico.
I'm taking you to a whorehouse
to get you laid.
Uh, okay.
Didn't see my day
going this way, but good, okay.
Hi-ya!
Now, son, these Mexican
call girls have seen
thousands of men, so when
they tell you you're the best
they've ever had,
it's quite a compliment.
Steve?
You all right, Philip?
You look a little green.
Hey! Where'd that
toy come from?!
You got to have a road toy.
Son, I am bringing
you to Mexico
to show you that you
don't need toys anymore!
And by the way,
father of the year here.
This is how I wish
I lost my virginity.
Not to some coked-up airhead.
Didn't you lose
your virginity to Mom?
Mm-hmm.
Roget!
Seb!
Seb, mon ami, a sweet stupid
lady has invited me for steaks,
and only a bottle
of Rain Duck will do.
Oh, je regrette.
They are no longer
making the Rain Duck,
and we just sold
our last bottle.
What? To who?!
To the homosexual news team.
Oh, my God, Greg and Terry--
they love me!
They'll totally
give me that bottle!
Hola.
Business or pleasure?
Buying pleasure is my business.
Oh!
Oh-ho-ho, ho-ho-ho!
Yes.
Ha-ha, ha-ha-ha,
ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
Hee! He-he-he-he, he-he!
Steve, what are you doing?
Just trying to get in on it.
Well, don't.
You're embarrassing me
in front of my best friend.
Hey, Terry, it's me--
Wait, who do you know me as?
Stan's Uncle Roger.
Good for me
for keeping it simple.
So, the guys over at the wine
store accidentally sold you
a bottle of Rain Duck
they were holding for me.
I'll just grab the wine,
and in return, I will
give you back your garage keys.
I sometimes sleep
under your car.
Like a cat or a meth addict.
I'm not a cat.
Listen, we bought
the Rain Duck.
It's our Rain Duck.
You're out of luck.
You're out of Duck.
Good one, T!
Oh. Well.
That's surely the last
you'll hear from me
regarding this matter.
Good day.
Francine, postpone the steaks!
Are you talking to me?!
You have to talk louder
if you want me to hear you!
I said postpone the steaks!
I don't have the wine!
Can't we just drink
a different wine?!
You're getting a punch!
What?!
When I get over there,
I'm going to punch you!
Please don't!
Two punches!
What?! Why?!
I'm gonna keep adding punches.
Here we are, son.
Behind that door lies a goddess
who will usher you
into adulthood.
Man, I'm excited.
Sh-Should I,
should I get one, too?
Sh-Should-- no, no.
I mean, maybe. I mean, no, no.
I don't know, I don't know,
probably.
Quieres sex?
Whew!
That was unexpected.
Was she... was that...
was she cooking?
I-I don't know what
the plan was for that tortilla.
Not to worry though, plenty of
first-class cathouses down here.
We'll just go to another.
Now, this is more like it, eh?
Take your pick of the ladies.
Line up, girls!
Pick me! Pick me!
No, pick me, Papi,
I do it better!
What he hell's
going on down here?
Well, son, I guess
finding a good brothel
is a bit like "Goldilocks
and the Three Bears."
I'm sure the third one
will be just right.
I was wrong!
The third one was the worst!
Horchata!
Horchata deliciosa!
Dad, this is awful.
Can we go home?
You think I'm not upset?
I wanted to watch
my little boy with a whore.
Aw, seriously, Mexico?
Hi!
I'm Christopher, and this is
my adopted daughter Opal Louise.
We are having quite a day.
My Prius's nickel battery
is acting up,
my iPhone's as dead
as Farrah Fawcett,
and my life partner Michael
is at a Grey Goose
event in Reykjavik.
Can I use your phone?
Get... in... my
house... now.
Can you take my baby
into the other room?
I prefer her not to
see me use landlines.
I get it.
Wait a minute.
There's no Grey Goose event
in Reykjavik this week...
Who are you?
Ouah!
Roger!
What about your baby?
Keep it!
Hey... you can't drive
with no wheels.
Thank you, genius!
My cousin sells tires.
You want me take you there?
Really?
Wow, I was just about to
give up on this country.
Thank you, Mexican.
Friends, burritos, you are the
first good thing to happen to us
in this godforsaken country.
You know, most of
our country is wonderful.
Oh, by the way?
You're being kidnapped
right now.
Oh, come on, Mexico!
Dad, I don't feel so good.
Horchata!
What do you want from us?
Firstly? For you not to yell.
I am right here.
We're a drug cartel,
so it's just good to have
white people around.
Maybe we sell you,
maybe we make sex with you...
Well, son, this is where we die.
We had a good run.
Mine better than yours,
but it's not a competition.
I win.
Dad, you'll think of
something else, right?
Nope, Daddy's shuttin' down.
Pop, you need to eat.
You're wasting away.
You're doing
a reverse Vince Vaughn.
Sorry, kiddo,
it's time to face reality.
We're gonna die.
Well, if you won't eat for me,
maybe you'll do it for...
Pedro!
That's right, man!
You need to eat,
so you can get strong
and come on
a wonderful adventure!
Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom.
I... I don't
want to play, Steve.
Mmm.
This food can be
anything you want
if you use your imagination.
I'm eating taquitos!
My favorite, except
they make me toot.
Whoops, there I go.
Can you smell it?
Is it stinky?
Stop farting, Pedro!
It's so stinky!
I smell it!
I can smell your farts, Pedro!
And Pedro, you're so...
handsome.
Welcome to the world
of imagination.
In here, you can
imagine whatever you want.
Anything?
Anything.
You're quite good.
I know.
Okay, the steaks
are almost ready.
Where's the wine?
Just moments away, sweetheart.
My Rube Goldberg device
will deliver the Rain Duck
right into our hands.
When I was a little
girl, Grover Cleveland was President.
Now we wait until they
notice our power is out
and come over to check on us.
Ah, screw it.
I'm done waiting for this wine.
Damn Rube Goldberg,
family of flies...
600 bucks on dominos...
Hey, Francine.
Oh God! My face!
Oh...
Your face.
Your face!
Our faces...
You got it!
That's how you get
a bottle of Rain Duck!
String on a corkscrew...
Obviously that's nothing.
You wanted both steaks.
Mm-hmm.
Mmm.
Is Francine dead?
I don't know.
You know who else
was a cockroach?
Theo Huxtable's best friend.
Oh, that's right, that's right.
Hey, Dad! Look!
It's a food drop!
It's coming in for a landing!
Nom, nom, nom.
Nom, nom, nom, nom.
Wow.
When was the last time
you had that much fun?
Years.
Oh. So you didn't have fun
at my birthday party last week?
Dude, there was a huge fire;
all those people died.
Oh, God, yeah.
Wow, those guys look so bummed.
That gives me an idea.
Hey, amigos.
Wanna play?
Hey, look!
Two handsome Latino astronauts!
Yes! We are back
from space!
We went to Jupiter...
We went to...
one of those other planets.
Hey, while you were gone,
the space puppies were born.
Oh my God,
I knew that would happen!
Can we see them?
Can you see them?
You're their uncles.
I hope you'll see them.
I hope you'll have a great
relationship with them.
So cute! Oh, so cute!
I know!
I'm freaking out about it!
You guys want to pet them?
Yes, yes, si.
Yes, yes!
All right, I'll let you in,
but you gotta keep the door
closed so they don't escape.
We'll be right out here,
taking pictures and waving.
Come on, Dad! Let's go!
Oh...
Deceived once again by whimsy.
I am impressed, son.
How did you trick
those guards like that?
I could see they were desperate
to escape their reality,
so I just provided
an opportunity.
I do it all the time at home.
Geez, is your life
really that bad?
Sometimes.
More often than I'd like.
It'd be really nice
to talk to somebody about it.
Anyway...
Well, I gotta hand it to you.
I would've starved to death if
you hadn't shown me how to play.
You keep your toys.
Thanks, Dad.
And thank you, Pedro.
See you around.
"See you around"?!
Are you kidding me?
I saved your lives!
Come back, you cowards!
I'll kill you!
I'll hunt you down
and kill you!
Bye! Have a beautiful time.