American Dad! (2005–…): Season 7, Episode 10 - Wheels & the Legman and the Case of Grandpa's Key - full transcript

♪ Good morning, USA!

♪ I got a feeling that it's
gonna be a wonderful day ♪

♪ The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ♪

♪ And he's shining a salute
to the American race ♪

♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say

♪ Good...
♪ Good morning, USA

Aah!

♪ Good morning, USA!

Do you have any leads?

Fly Girl's been missing
for five days now.

Look, there's something you
should know about your bird...



Oh, no.

I just got a clue in the case of

whether or not that new Thai
restaurant gives you the runs.

It does. Case closed!

Teddy Bonkers, bathroom key, stat.

You see, Lorraine, your bird is...

How... how do I put this?

Please find her.

No, no, no, no, don't-don't cry.

We, uh, we'll keep looking, okay?

I know we'll find her.

Thank you, Mr. Wheels.

Out of TP in there, Bonkers,
so I had to use

the corner of your Ferrari poster.



Man, that Lorraine is a cold bitch.

Grinning after you told her
her bird was de...

You didn't tell her, did you?

She was so upset,
I just couldn't break it to her.

You think this fake detective
agency with real cases

and a pretend office in
your father's garage is a joke?!

I just hate upsetting people.

Breaking bad news is
part of the job, Wheels.

It's a part of life.
You got to do it.

That's why I volunteer at
the cancer ward every Sunday.

You're all going to die.

Your parents and your doctors
are lying to you.

Did you know that megaphone
takes 12 D batteries?

I know. I had the same look when
I first opened the compartment.

Could stick my whole fist in there.

No, that's not
what she said, Bonkers.

Bonkers.

Oh, look at that bunny in the loafer!

Are you a bunny in a loafer?

You are, aren't you?

Oh! That turtle has
a hamster on his back.

Let me see this.

Ugly. Ugly.

The walls of my anus
are cuter than that panda.

Take my picture.

I can get on this site.

Hey, so, what's going on in here?

Not much.

How's your big
three-day weekend going?

Good. Good.
Exciting.

Exc... Too exciting.
Had to take a break.

Not a young man.

So, you guys, you guys are
doing something with Klaus, huh?

We're gonna take pictures of
him to submit to Cute Pet Pics.

Want to help?

Guess I'll go try on hats
in the garage.

Extry, extry, read all about it.

My grandfather
always claimed

I would inherit a secret fortune.

But when he died, all he left me

was this one mysterious key.

I don't have any money
to pay you, but if you find out

what this key opens, you can
have half of whatever's inside.

Wow, that sounds like a fun journey.

Here's your chance to give some bad news.

Tell this kid to hit the bricks.

Listen, you look like
a nice kid and all,

but we're not gonna be able to...

... take our eyes off your sweater.

Is it soft?

Can I wear it without
a T-shirt under it,

you know, how black guys
sometimes wear sweaters?

Fail!

Beat it, Sweet Charity;
we're not taking your case.

Please. This key is
my grandfather's legacy.

Uhp, "legacy."

Fine, we'll take the case.

You're lucky you said a word
with "leg" in it.

It's my only weakness.

That's how I got this
Foghorn Leghorn key chain

and this bag of legumes.

Teddy Bonkers will
validate your parking.

Steve, why can't you ever
give anyone bad news?

I just hate making people sad.

You're a pushover, but I don't
have time to discuss it,

because I have to
push out some green curry.

Yes, I tried the Thai restaurant again.

It's called giving a place
a second chance,

and it burns like hell.

So this, uh,
detective stuff looks fun.

Can I play?

Um, maybe, Dad,

but I'm not sure you
understand what we do here.

No, no, I get it.

It's part pretend, part real,
fake detectives, real cases,

you're in a wheelchair, Roger
can walk... w-what's not to get?

Tell you what, I'll run it by
The Legman, see what he says.

Good. And I'll run to the store
and get some lemons.

So we'll both...
be... doing something.

♪ B-B-B-Brawny.

Come on, buddy!

Light's not getting any greener!

What up, Wheels?

Ooh, hold on,
hottie in the next lane.

Nope, baby seat, I'm out.
What do you got?

Well, my Dad asked me
if he could join the agency, so...

Nope. We don't need a new employee.

Oh, my God, traffic just
came to a freakin' standstill.

But he...

Listen, Wheels,
for once in your life,

break some bad news and tell your dad

he can't join the agency.

Roger, stop playing with the car!

Oh, yeah, forgot it was Sean's
birthday party at Bar Fudge.

Was it packed?

I'm kidding.

I'm just giving you the
business, Teddy Drunkers.

W-We'll try to give you
a nice easy morning.

Any calls?

What is this?

Um, Legman,

meet our newest employee,
Pappa Wheelie.

What? I thought I said...

I'm so happy you guys let me in.

I'm going to Fudge.

♪

I needed this.

I was having a terrible day at work.

I want you.

Can we get out of here?

What? No.

Let's just keep dancing.

Wheels, may I speak with you?

Pappa Wheelie, why don't you
go fill out your HR forms.

Teddy Bonkers will help you.

Th-The teddy bear?

Teddy bear?!

His name is Theodore Bonkers.

He's not the smartest guy,

but he tries harder than
anyone I've ever met.

And I've met Ed Burns.

Go talk to him.

Just go with it.

What the hell, Wheels?!

He was so excited,
I couldn't let him down.

Uh, it-it says,
"list previous work experience

or draw a picture of a cowboy."

I can't draw a cowboy;
is a pirate acceptable?

Yes.

Well, I tried this
thing in every lock

in the old man's house.

This opens nothing.

Listen, Wheels.

The grandfather may have
left a clue in this piano.

Why's that, Legman?

'Cause it's out of key.

A clue would have been grand.

In the sand!

You made me stop laughing.

Well, at least
you're good for something.

What is this?!

It's coffee.

I only drink flaming Grand Marnier!

I'm-I'm sorry.
I didn't know.

Bonkers said to bring coffee.

You're a liability!

You know what your problem is?

Pappa Wheelie
doesn't have a backstory.

All right, all you have is a prop.

How did you end up on that unicycle?

Are you a hipster,
are you a Frenchman,

were you raised by
a Russian circus bear?

You don't know!

You just woke up one morning

and saw a unicycle, you stupid hack.

I don't know about you,
but this case has put me

in the mood for some cocaine.

I-I get that joke.

'Cause cocaine comes in keys, right?

The Legman doesn't
joke about cocaine.

Cocaine is not a joking matter.

We'll just stay loose,
we'll get some great shots,

and we'll get you on that
pet pics Web site, no sweat.

Ooh! It's going to be so cute.

♪

Hello. I'm Legman and
this is my partner Wheels,

and I am drinking my signature drink.

We were ransacking
a dead man's house and we found

a monthly bill for a P.O. box
at this location, see.

We think this might be
the key for it.

This key doesn't
unlock anything here.

But I know what it does unlock.

It unlocks...

Man, don't you hate it

when ugly people run mailbox stores?

- What?
- Pappa Wheelie, the smart-mouthed

junior associate to
Wheels and The Legman.

I get away with saying things
that other people can't.

Seriously, dude, your face is a mess.

Pappa Wheelie, stop it!

Can't, it's my character.

My looks are
a sensitive subject for me!

Get out, all of you!

W-Wait... tell us what the key is for.

I work at a store called Mailboxes,

not at a store called
"I help people who hurt me."

That store is down the block.

It is amazing.

I wanted to work there,
but they told me I was too ugly.

You said to get a
backstory and I got one.

My grandfather invented the packaging

around discs of bologna, and
I have beaucoup family money,

but I refuse it because...

He's suck.

He's suck incarnate.

Fire him!

You want me to fire my own dad?

B-But he loves it here.

You brought him in, you get him out.

Before he takes a big Yoko
all over this place.

Fire him or this partnership is over.

So we agree,
if a waiter drops something,

we're gonna say "nice job" and clap.

Um, sure, okay.

Yeah, we're gonna say that.

So, Dad, the reason I brought
you here is-is to let you know,

well, the agency is
going through some changes.

Ah, you mean like getting rid
of that dumb bear?

Dad, I don't know how to say this...

My name is Nate, I'll be your server.

How are we this evening?

Nate, this evening, I'm proud.

Are you a father, Nate?

Because in some ways,
I'm two fathers.

There's Stan and Steve,

and then Pappa Wheelie
and his son Wheels.

So... do you like music?

Do I like music?

No, no, I'm the one person
on Earth who doesn't like music.

Why did you answer my ad online

if you were just gonna ignore me?

My profile has four pictures of me

staring out of a restaurant
window through binoculars.

You knew what this was.

Nice job.

Listen, Dad, about the agency...

Oh, I love it so much.

It's so fun.

Plus I get to spend time with you.

What could be better?

Um, well...

Yes?
You're...

Getting a top-secret assignment.

I'm ready!

Look, we need you to become our...

um, our... our-our
head key researcher.

But you gotta...
you gotta do it

deep, deep undercover.

Like... like, don't
even tell The Legman.

Now, I need you to go to
the library every day.

Find out everything there
is to know about keys.

Okay, I can do this.

You start now.
Get out of here.

Oh, one more thing.

You know how Moonstruck
is your favorite Cher movie?

Uh, yes, I think I know
my favorite Cher movie.

Want to reenact the "snap out
of it" scene before you go?

Sure. Can you read me in?

No problem.

I'm in love with you.

Snap out of it!

Good for him, huh?

You know, you're not
as ugly as I thought.

I just might sex you later.

I'm gonna go.

Ugh. Now you've ruined it by talking.

Ugh. Terrible date last night.

I only made her "O" like 100 times.

You know...

you know what I'm saying,
right, Bonks?

Hey, this place has got
some breathing room, huh?

I can't believe you
actually fired Pappa Wheelie.

Yep. He's a-gone.

Wheels and The Legman.

Steve, it's Mom.
Have you seen your father?

I don't know who this Steve is.

Is this about a case?

Wheels, have you seen Pappa Wheelie?

He didn't come home last night.

That's weird.

Let me get back to you.

Teddy, can you...
Oh, never mind.

You're waiting for that
fax confirmation.

Package for Wheels and The Legman.

A severed finger.

"We have your associate."

Dad!

"If you want him back alive,

"we will trade him for the key.

3:00 at the abandoned bank
on Norton Street."

Oh, my God!

We gotta get goin'!

Eventually we'll have
to go back inside

and have a serious talk about
what we're going to do.

It's Stan's finger, all right.

I recognize the ring.

How did this happen?

We're not even real detectives.

Someone wants that key bad.

But why would anyone
do this to Pappa Wheelie?

He wasn't even working
for us anymore.

I...

- I didn't fire him.
- What?!

Oh, this is all my fault.

Somebody must have followed him

to the library and nabbed him.

We have to call the cops, Roger.

It's Legman!

And we are taking care
of this ourselves.

They want the key, right?

But who's to say
that once we give it to them,

we actually get your dad back?

We need to find out what
the key unlocks and get that.

Then, if they try to pull a fast one,

we have the key and the goods.

We have all the leverage.

I... I don't...
I don't know, Roger.

I'm scared.

No. Steve Smith is scared.

Squwirt "Wheels" Cinnabun has
danglers the size of Montana.

Anyone can crack this case, he can.

Squwirt Cinnabun?

Yeah.
I Keyser Soze'd you

off the top of that file cabinet.

Oh, great.
You guys again.

Our vulgar associate is no
longer with the company.

We came to say we're sorry.

And to find out what you know
about this key.

Okay, I'll tell you,

but I'm running a business here.

You'll have to buy something.

I got this.
You have a scanner?

And send.

And I'll also take
this off-season Santa pen.

The key opens a locker
at the train station.

How did you know that?

Because it's printed on the key.

Here's the train station address,

and here's the locker number.

And here's a phone number
in case you find this key.

And below that,
this is just a hotline number

should you have any general
questions about the key.

Do you remember
where we parked the car?

'Cause I don't.
We're in E-4.

Look at you.

You're like that autistic
cowgirl Claire Danes played.

Do you know she's an "A" cup?

Hey, there are the lockers.

I know so much about celebrities.

We are up against a deadline, people,

and not one of you
has submitted a photo

that's close to cute enough
for Cute Pet Pics.

My peepaw did not start

an underground cute newspaper in 1943

to have it all go to hell
'cause you morons

can't tell your elbow
from a kitten in a bunny suit!

I'm sorry, Peepaw.

I think we're going to have
to shut her down.

Um, sir, I do have

this submission from Langley Falls.

Let me see that!

Oh, my God.

Carol, you may have
just saved the world.

Is he serious?

I... I never know
what's going on here.

Hi. I'm calling
from Cute Pet Pics.

Uh, we have a submission
from this address,

and with permission, we'd like
to publish it on the site.

Oh, my God, yes!
Yes! Yes!

Francine, Hayley,
get in here, bitches!

Time to see some cute...

What the...?!

That's not a hippo's butt.

That's Roger's fat alien ass.

I'd know it anywhere.

Many times I've woken up to that
ass hanging over mein bowl.

Wow, Klaus, I guess Roger's ass
is cuter than you.

Dick.

Yeah, Dick Vermeil.

I won a ring
with the Rams.

Flipped it on you, bitch.

I flipped it on them.

Oh, they will go upstairs,
they will Google Dick Vermeil,

and they will know
how bad I nailed them.

This is the spot.
Now, where's Stan?

There's a note in the pneumatic tube.

"Send in the key,
and Pappa Wheelie is yours.

We are watching."

They can have the key.
We already have the bag.

Whoa, that sucks really good.

You think anyone's ever...
done stuff with it?

Should I do stuff with it?

Do we have time for me
to do stuff with it?

If I do stuff with it
and stuff goes wrong,

will you help me?

Oh, wait. There he is.

Dad! We're coming for you!

How do we get in there?
I have an idea.

Quick, grab my disguise
kit out of the trunk.

Dad, what happened?

It's Bonkers.

I know, this whole thing
is just bananas.

No, it's Bonkers... Teddy Bonkers.

He did this.
He's behind you.

He had it out for me the whole time.

He gave me the wrong
coffee order for Roger.

He encouraged my smart-mouth persona,

knowing full well it would bomb.

Bonkers wanted me fired,
and when that didn't happen,

he wanted me dead.

What?

Oh, my God.
Of course!

Bonkers was jealous that you came in

as a junior detective

when he was next in line
for a promotion.

Oh, Bonkers.

How could you do this?

Oh, for the love of God, Roger.

Bonkers is not real!

What?
What are you saying?

Bonkers is a stuffed bear... a toy!

I didn't want to tell you,
but I hate this bit!

Here's why... it's stupid!

A teddy bear as our receptionist?

It doesn't even make sense.

Do you know how many calls
we've missed?

But, Steve...

I went along with it 'cause
I didn't want to upset you.

I can't stand telling people

things they don't
want to hear, but...

Hey.

Why, I did it.

I told someone bad news.

But if Bonkers isn't real,

then who kidnapped Pappa Wheelie?

It was you.

You framed Teddy Bonkers.

It's true.

I knew you wanted to fire me.

Yes, I knew.

So I figured,
if I made Bonkers the bad guy,

I could blame all my mistakes on him

and you'd give me another chance.

But I made one miscalculation.

I never thought Steve
would have the guts

to tell you Bonkers was fake.

The only thing I don't get

is why you went to all this trouble.

I was bored, Steve.

Really, really bored.

Like, so bored.

So you cut off your own finger?

That wasn't my finger.

It was a fish stick I sucked
the bread crumbs off of.

I thought there was something
fishy about all this, Legman.

No, I'm not playing without Bonkers!

You know what?

It's not so bad being
the "bear-er" of bad news.

Or the sharer of new shoes.

You're fired.

Whoo! That felt great!

I gotta keep this goin'!

Your bird is dead.

Your grandfather was an idiot.

His legacy... an empty satchel

that lights up when you open it!

You're not cute.

I'm telling you, a girl's friends

get in her ear, it is over.

They're all, "Make him
take you to a restaurant.

Make him buy you sandals."

I don't care what every single person

on Earth says... you're hilarious.

Sync.