American Dad! (2005–…): Season 6, Episode 9 - Fart-Break Hotel - full transcript

(upbeat march plays)

♪ Good morning, USA! ♪

♪ I got a feeling that it's
gonna be a wonderful day ♪

♪ The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ♪

♪ And he's shining a salute
to the American race ♪

♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪

♪ Good... ♪
♪ Good morning, USA ♪

Aah!

♪ American Dad 6x09 ♪
Fartbreak Hotel
Original Air Date on January 16, 2011

(alarm beeping)

♪ ♪



♪ ♪

♪ ♪

(alarm beeping)

♪ ♪

(gunshot)

(music stops abruptly)

(sighs)

What in the hell is that?

- My zucchini casserole.
- Zucchini?

(chuckles) Excuse me, but
this is not Italian squash.

Yeah, the only thing Italian
about this situation

is your dirty lies!

(inhales, exhales)

You're right--
it's not zucchini,



it's okra.

I guess when I
was at the store,

my mind was
somewhere else.

See, sometimes I escape

to a little place
in my head

where no one complains
about the meals I cook.

(gasping)

And there's no more scraping snot
rockets off the shower tiles.

And no more PB&J
with the crusts cut off.

(bones crack)

Anyway, if you
don't want to eat it,

I can fix something else.

Okra's great!
Yum!

Well, I'm not eating it.

Okra gives me pretty bad gas.

Just eat it.

Okay.

But don't complain
if I get pretty bad gas.

(smoke alarm beeping)

(coughing)

Stan!
(coughing)

The house must
be on fire!

(all coughing)

I don't see any flames.

Then what is it?!

(beeping continues)

(groans)
Who farted?

This guy!

(farting)

Well, whatever's in there
is off-the-charts toxic.

It's gonna take at least a
week to sanitize your house.

A week?!

Where are we supposed
to go for a week?

Relax. Just leave it to me.

Okay, I got us free rooms
for the whole week.

How'd you do that?
I stayed here back in the '80s

and suffered
a terrible accident.

To avoid a lawsuit, the hotel gave me
a free week of rooms.

Honestly, I forgot about
the whole thing until today.

That fart really shook
some memories loose.

Wow, I just remembered,
I was also in a legal battle

with Nabisco.

I claimed I was Asian
and sued over Cheese Nips.

Anyway, everything's
complimentary--

room service, laundry, you name it.
You hear that, honey?

A whole week without you
having to take care of us.

Wow! Finally
some me time.

Stan and Francine,
here are keys to your room.

And, Steve,
here's yours.

What about
my room?

Got you covered.

Oh, boy, what's in here?

MALE NARRATOR:
Some say that was the end
of Klaus's story.

Some say it was
just the beginning.

No one ever says
it was the middle.

♪ ♪

Bewitching,
isn't she?

I know you.

Weren't you the concierge
in Pretty Woman?

(chuckles)
Yes. I'm Hector Elizondo.

I've played a concierge in
over 400 movies and TV pilots.

Acting pays the bills
so I can pursue my true passion:

concierging.

I don't mean to ignore
your strange monologue, but...

I can't take my eyes
off this enchanting vision.

The moment I saw her,
I felt as I'd... met her before.

Impossible. The great artist
Patrick Nagel painted her

while staying
in this hotel...

in 1981.

Then I'm too late
to meet her.

God! If it were
only 1981 again!

Well, young man...
perhaps it can be.

Excuse me, where can
I get some tampons?

Right over here, miss.

I keep them next to my Tony.

Huh. No breakfast to make,
no clothes to wash.

I guess I can do
whatever I want.

What are you doing?

Laying out your
clothes for the day.

Honey, stop worrying about us.

Go spend time with Francine,
get to know her.

That's something
I always wish I'd done.

A-Are you sure?

(laughs)
I'm pretty sure
I can dress myself.

Uh, o-okay.

I'll just...

get to know me.

(door closes)

Oop, she forgot the socks.

Now, which ones
go with the suit,

navy or black?

Francine!

Do you like horseback riding?

Hang gliding?
I-I don't know.

Okay. How do you
spend your time?

Well, for the last 20 years,

I've just taken care
of my family.

Sounds like someone
needs to get a life.

(soft stammering)

ELIZONDO:
Sounds like someone
needs to get a life...

get a life... get a life...

Do you know Sarah Blanch,

the OmniSlab concrete
rep from Chicago?

No, but I hear she's finally coming
to one of these conventions.

I just heard she was in an
accident on her way here.

Car went over a cliff
and into a river.

That's horrible!
She's presumed dead.

But nothing's concrete.

(both laugh hysterically)

But seriously,
she's probably dead.

I know who you are!
You do?

There's only one name tag left.

You must be Sarah Blanch.

ELIZONDO:
Someone needs to get a life...

get a life...

get a life...

Y... es!

That's me!
I am Sarah Blanch.

Someone needs
to get naked...

get naked...
get naked...

Please, God,
not you...

not you...
not you...

So, welcome everyone, and, uh,

let's make this
concrete sellers convention

the most solid one ever.

(chuckling)

Sarah Blanch!

Pam Deakins!
The Bakersfield rep!

We've done business
on the phone!

Oh...!

Bakersfield Pam!

You know, Sarah, there's
a rumor that you died in a

(whispers): car crash.

(laughing): A what?

Oh, my, no!

I was just dying
to be here!

(laughter)
If you're like me,

you were dying to get away
from your family for a week.

Actually, I...

don't have a family.

Nope. My life is all about me.

Horseback riding
and hang gliding

and, um...

having sex with some of
Chicago's many Polacks.

ROGER:
Sounds like
the life to me!

Hi, Sarah.
Pete Pendelman,

concrete man
out of Pheboygan.

Let's walk and talk.

What are you doing?

What? On a whim, I decided
to be a saleswoman

who didn't show
up-- big deal.

No, I-I get it-- you need
a little escape from Francine.

We are gonna have
so much fun this week!

Yeah. We'll mingle,
go to cocktail mixers...

Oh, no-- Pete Pendelman
is a recovering alcoholic.

I started hitting the bottle
after my wife died...

during breast reduction surgery
that I made her get.

(choked up):
She was pregnant at the time!

Anyway, we're
gonna have a blast--

as long as the real
Sarah Blanch doesn't show up.

Oh, don't worry--
Sarah Blanch is dead.

(gasps)

(laughing)

(thud)

Stop torturing
yourself, Steve.

You'll never
have her...

unless you believe in...

time travel!

What?

Oh, sorry,
wrong brochure.

Whoa! This claims you
could travel back in time

using only your mind!

Do you know
what this means?

Yes. You can go back in
time, watch me be born,

and be the first
person to hold me.

Just kidding!

Go back to 1981 and
get your dream girl!

Thanks, Hector!

Who will hug baby Hector?

You tap-dance, too?

Wow, Sarah!

How many hobbies
do you have?

Five.

Wow!
Five?

Pete, you've been quiet.

What about your family?
You married?

Two years ago my wife was killed
by a plastic surgeon in Ecuador.

I found him on Yelp.

I gave him two stars.

Her breasts looked amazing
during the open-casket.

So I... was married.

(clears throat)

(beep)

(sighs)

Looks like Sarah's
day is over.

Aw...
Aw...

Excuse me, Miss Blanch.

We show you still haven't checked
into your executive suite.

Whoa!

A complimentary
bucket of Coronas?!

Sarah must be
super important!

Hey, let's order huge
sundaes from room service

and just pig out!

Oh, no sweets for Pete--
I have stage two diabetes.

In fact...

(inhales)

(sucking)

(quiet grunt)

Really?

I could get used
to being Sarah Blanch.

♪ ♪

How the hell does she
know how to tap-dance?

Because she's Sarah
(bleep) Blanch!

Hey!

You're a
loudmouth, Doug.

You're loud.

All right, Steve,

this is exactly how your
hotel room looked in 1981.

Whoa. A waterbed!

So, basically,

I just concentrate as hard
as I can that I'm in 1981,

and I'll be transported
back in time

to meet my dream girl
from the painting?

Yes, Steve.

What is so hard
to understand about that?

Okay, it's May 14, 1981.

President Jimmy Carter leaves
the White House in disgrace.

Pope John Paul II
is shot in Rome

by a deranged Jimmy Carter.

Jimmy Carter kidnaps and devours
13 Christian babies.

Hmm. Maybe I should have read
a real history book

instead of the one Dad wrote.

Did it work? Is it 1981?

Roger?!

Damn it, it didn't work.

Who's Roger?

The name's Reaganomics
Lamborghini, Jacuzzi dealer.

Want to smoke cocaine out of my
pipe made from a Rubik's Cube?

(yelling)

Sir, are you
all right?!

I was sitting on
this waterbed

minding my own
my business

when it spontaneously exploded!

I demand a week
of free rooms,

or I'll sue the
crap of you!

Wait a second.

I made it!

It's 1981.

♪ ♪

Hey, I just got
another crazy text

from Stan about socks.

Is he okay?

Oh, I'm sure
he's fine.

(crying)

Look, I don't have time
for anyone else right now.

I'm too busy
living my own life.

But it's not your life.

It belongs to...

Sarah, where
have you been?

You have to
give your speech.

What?

There she is, our
closing speaker,

OmniSlab rep,
Sarah Blanch.

All right, you've taken Sarah
as far as she can go.

Let's make a run for it.

Come on up, Sarah.

(inhales deeply)

You... dumb bitch.

Hello.

Um, I'm here to talk about...

rebar placement and planned
gap structure coordination.

Huh?!

(inhales deeply)

You know what?

No.

What I'd really like
to talk about is the, um...

uh... uh...

The Chinese.

The Chinese threat

to our domestic
concrete industry.

There are over a million

Chinese people in China alone.

And I'm here to tell you,
they are a-coming, folks.

They know math,
they know kung-fu,

and they've been going pee-pee
in our Coke for years!

So let's keep the yella out
of our red, white and blue.

(whooping, cheering
and applause)

WOMAN:
Way to go, Sarah!

MAN:
Yeah!

Nagel,
you're a genius!

Sun-faded prints
of your paintings

will never be found
in Korean hair salons.

Mr. Nagel, sir,

I have traveled a great
distance to see you.

You paint
my dream girl today,

and I need to know
who she is.

Oh, I'm touched
by your passion, young man.

I'll help you
on your lover's quest,

but first,
share in some cherry wine.

Um, cherry wine
tastes pretty weird.

That's because I put a bunch
of weird illegal things in it!

(laughter)

Nagel, you
son of a bitch,

let's drug
some kids.

Oh, you kidding me?

You already cut
the turkey?

Well, Sarah,
it's been fun,

but all good characters
must to come end.

Sarah, Jed Farnsworth

of The Cherino
Concrete Corporation.

I haven't heard someone speak
with that much passion

since my fat friend
discovered Buca di Beppo.

Wow. Thank you.

Look, I want you to come manage
my Portland facility.

It's the most prestigious job
in the concrete industry.

I... I don't
know what to say.

Say yes, and tomorrow,
you can fly to your new life

in Economy Plus
with only one stop in Denver.

What are you doing?

What's there to
even think about?

You're right.

Mr. Farnsworth?

I'll take that
job in Portland.

Wait. What?!

(sighs)

Well, there goes
my two-year chip.

Stale as the dickens.

ANNOUNCER:
Thank you to Timothy Crehan
of Salina, Kansas

for sending us this week's
winning joke.

Francine, you're not actually
taking the job in Portland?

Think about your family.

Francine Smith
spent her whole life

thinking about her family,
and what did it do for her?

Nada.

Francine, listen to me...

Wait. You throwing that away?

This would make a perfect cape.

I am The Tender Vigilante.

This city's in pain,
and it needs my tender justice.

Oh, my God, it's working!

(horns honking, thudding)

(car alarm blaring)

NAGEL:
Hey, Sleepyhead.

Wha... What happened?

You passed out.

It's a shame.

You missed the creation
of my latest masterpiece.

She was here?!

And I missed her?!

No, my dear Smurf,

you are her!

While you slumbered,
I stripped you naked,

placed a black wig on you,
put a cougar in your lap and...

(chuckles)

...voila!

No!

(yells)

The girl in the painting
was you, wasn't it, Steve?

How... H-How did you know?

Because I was once in love, too.

The Tender Vigilante
doesn't have...

insurance.

(inhales deeply)

Welcome aboard, Sarah.

Ms. Blanch, your limo is waiting
to take you to the airport.

Thank you, Jonathan.

And did you give any thought

to joining my family
for Christmas dinner?

We hate the thought of you
spending another holiday alone.

Thank you, Jonathan,
but I'll be working.

Plus, you know
I don't dine with robots.

Oh, but you weren't complaining
last night

when I spent the better part
of two hours eating your baaa...

Broxton, before we go
to the hotel,

can we make a stop first?

I've seen enough, Broxton.

Ms. Blanch!

Back for another
concrete convention.

It's been ten years

and three more
Garry Marshall movies.

Let me ask.

Are you happy with the life
you've chosen?

No.

No, I'm not.

Well, there's always
a way back.

Uh... (clears throat)
Sorry.

Here.

The Tender Vigilante
doesn't have...

insurance.

(inhales deeply)

We need to talk.

I'm you from
the future.

Really?

When did I get
Paulie Walnut's hair?

Don't get in that car.

Bye, guys.
Have a good day.

Wait. What
about breakfast?

I'm happy to make you breakfast
every day except Thursday.

Thursdays are for me.

NARRATOR:
And from that moment on,

Francine made Thursday her day.

A day to do
whatever she pleased.

Yeah, girl.

Do your thang.

Get your Thursday on.

Man, was that close.