American Dad! (2005–…): Season 6, Episode 7 - The People vs. Martin Sugar - full transcript
Stan serves as jury foreman for the trial of one of Roger's personae, and he is hell-bent on making sure the jury finds him guilty.
♪ Good morning, USA! ♪
♪ I got a feeling that it's
gonna be a wonderful day ♪
♪ The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ♪
♪ And he's shining a salute
to the American race ♪
♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪
♪ Good... ♪
♪ Good morning, USA ♪
Aah!
♪ American Dad 6x07 ♪
The People vs. Martin Sugar
Original Air Date on December 5, 2010
Superior Court of Langley Falls,
Jury Service.
Morning, Olivia.
It's Stan Smith.
Oh, hi, Stan.
Has it been a
year already?
To the day.
Did you get the self-addressed
stamped envelope
I sent for my jury summons?
Mm-hmm.
I'm ready to be back
in the jury pool.
I hope the water's warm.
I hope the water's warm.
Let me see
what we got.
I can put you on a
multiple felony trial
that starts tomorrow.
Olivia, you're guilty.
Of making my day.
All right,
I'll see you tomorrow.
If you have no objections.
It's me. I had
to stop that.
What is it with
you and jury duty?
Jury duty is the best way
for honest citizens
to punish lawbreakers.
It's a waste of time.
Like getting
an HIV test.
Roll the dice,
scaredy-cats!
Hey, I happen to know
at least 20 of your personas
have social security numbers.
You must get called in
for jury duty.
I do. Want to see what I do
with the letters they send me?
The jury letters
are just the top layer.
Underneath are my parking
tickets and alimony statements.
All those bitches can starve.
You just do whatever
you want, don't you?
Pretty much, bro.
I do what I want, when I want.
Exhibit A.
I see you're admiring
my special Austrian toilet.
Very powerful suction.
I like to clean my crack
with your undershirts,
so I need a crapper
that can suck them down.
One day you'll have to face the
consequences of your actions.
No, I won't.
People forgive you
if you're likable,
and I'm the most charming S.O.B.
anyone's ever met.
Face it, I'm Ferris Bueller
and you're my jealous,
big-nosed, sour-faced
sister Jeanie.
I am not Jeanie.
Sure you are.
Now watch this.
Look at that.
Took my nipple clamps, too.
Had those twisted on
pretty tight.
It's going to be so much fun
having you two
living in the house.
And I want to formally
welcome Jeff to our home.
Thanks, Mrs. S.
House rules?
Unfortunately, there's a stern
side to the welcome basket.
"No smoking pot"?
Mom, Jeff needs it.
He's got a
prescription.
He has a compulsive disorder
that could get really bad
if he goes off
his medication.
Oh, shut up, Hayley;
that's not true.
Look, it's not even my rule,
it's your dad's.
You think I wouldn't like
to spark up a doober
every now and again?
Just take a nice, slow,
extra-careful drive.
But, Mom...
It's okay, Hayley,
I can handle it.
I mean, weed's the thing
I care about the most,
but maybe
that should be you.
Oh...
Thanks, Jeff.
Man, you got me
thinking about weed now.
That stuff makes me
want to drink so much soda.
I smoke a bone, then I drain
a two-liter of Sunkist
in, like, a second.
Freaks people out.
What time is it?
It's 6:00 a.m.
I'm checking into a motel
then reporting to jury duty.
You don't always have to
sequester yourself, you know.
Yes, I do, Francine.
I need to be in a media blackout
so I don't compromise the trial.
Now, while I'm gone,
I need you to manage
my fantasy basketball team.
Can I make
any trades?
No. Just set the lineup.
Stan, you need
a power forward.
I have Dirk Nowitzki.
He's soft, Stan.
You need a thug.
You need Ron Artest.
I don't want Ron Artest.
You know what, forget it.
I'll have Steve set my lineup.
Fine.
Let that nerd set your lineup.
Watch you lose.
You, uh, want
the Metro Section?
Thanks.
You trying to expose me
to the news?!
Force a mistrial?
Who do you work for?
Young Man's Fancy!
What?
It's a formal-wear boutique
for style-conscious preteens!
I'm sorry!
Before your jury service begins,
please watch this short video.
Hi. I'm Judd Nelson,
star of the 1987
courtroom comedy From the Hip.
Maybe you remember the scene
where I did Jell-O shots
off of Elizabeth Perkins
tight buns.
Oh, wait...
that happened in real life.
Anyway, every American's
got the right to a trial
by a jury of his peers.
The first step to any trial
is jury selection.
It's a lot like
an acting audition.
I used to hate them, but...
now I'd kill for one.
I mean... just murder someone.
Sir, is there
any reason
you couldn't
serve on this jury?
I'd love to; I just don't
have regular child care.
The prosecution
dismisses juror four.
Hang on a second.
Aah!
Liar!
What if that had been
a real baby?!
Sometimes it is.
Congratulations
to you all
for being selected
as the jury in this case.
Have you selected
a foreman?
I would like to nominate
myself as jury foreman.
Your Honor, I love the law,
and I love justice,
and I will do anything,
even die, to preserve them.
How many of you
can read?
Eh...
no.
Okay, you're foreman.
Oh, I hope it's
still in the toilet.
I don't know who left it,
but it is crazy big!
It's sticking out of the
water like a shipwreck!
Jeff!
What the hell, man!
I-I thought everyone was out.
You have
got to lock
the freaking door, dude!
I'm sorry,
but when I'm not smoking pot,
I suffer from HLS,
Hyperactive Libido Syndrome.
When it hits, I got
to get busy right away.
If you're gonna do
that in this house,
you'll do it where everyone
else in this family does it:
in Steve's bed!
What?!
Today we will be hearing
the case of
The People v. Martin Sugar.
Mr. Sugar is accused of
manufacturing and distributing
millions of dollars' worth
of counterfeit handbags.
Please bring in the defendant.
Justice time!
Hi...!
It's me, Roger.
Stan. Stan.
Just-just look over here,
just for a sec. Stan.
Hi...!
Throughout this trial,
we will present evidence
against the defendant,
showing how truly despicable
his crimes were.
In addition
to the counterfeiting,
he subjected illegal workers
to inhumane work conditions.
This man is a threat to society.
He is a menace, and he
must pay for his crimes.
I will prove
beyond a reasonable doubt
that Martin Sugar
deserves to be behind bars.
♪ I've been really ♪
♪ Trying, baby ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Trying to hold back
these feelings ♪
♪ For so long... ♪
Would the defense like
to make an opening statement?
I'll be speaking on behalf
of my attorney, Your Honor.
This is Bert Faber, and he's
been my lawyer for 20 years.
Recently Bert survived a lengthy
battle with throat cancer,
and it claimed
his voice box.
But I won't fire him.
He's family-- and you don't
abandon your family!
Did you hear that?
What a stand-up guy.
Eh, so I am definitely
not on trial here?
Does anyone
have a lozenge?
Bert's throat gets
so dry these days.
I knew you'd have one.
You're clearly a mother--
you have kind eyes.
Aw...
Yes.
(screams
Oh, Jeff, come on!
We keep the food in there!
Sorry, I was
just getting a snack,
then I noticed the maple syrup
lady looks like Ashanti,
and I told you,
I can't control myself!
Frannie, can you grab
me the saltines?
Aah, oh, dude!
Oh, you are killing me!
Ugh!
Frannie,
the canned goods
are probably all right, but
I-I'd toss everything else.
The prosecution would now like
to call Mr. Sugar to the stand.
Guess who's the luckiest guy
in the courtroom?
Bert, 'cause he gets
to watch my big round ass
as I walk
to the stand.
Mr. Sugar,
how do you explain
this photo of you
with illegal employees
and counterfeit merchandise?
You know what's not
counterfeit in that photo?
My emotions.
Aw...
Okay. I don't know
what that means.
But here you are
accepting a cash payment
for the fake handbags.
Do you admit
that this is you?!
I will... if you
admit this is you.
Wh-Wha...
H-How did you...
Look how happy you are.
Ladies and gentlemen
of the jury,
don't they make
a great couple?
Gosh, she looked good
before the baby.
Mr. Sugar made us work very hard.
When we weren't sewing handbags,
he made us sleep on the floor.
Inez... thank you.
Inez, does the date September
19th mean anything to you?
Es mi cumpleanos.
In English, please.
It is my birthday.
Can you tell me
what this is, Inez?
It is the bear you gave
me for my birthday.
Aw...
So, if I was the monster
the prosecution is trying
to portray me as,
would I have given you
such a wonderful
birthday present?
No.
In English, please.
No.
Martin Sugar rests, y'all!
Oh-Oh. Yeah.
Look, I'm jury foreman
and no one leaves here
until we come
to a unanimous decision.
We're unanimous.
You're the only douchebag
who thinks he's guilty.
Didn't you people see
all the evidence?
He makes pregnant women
on the assembly line give birth
and then get right back to work!
That's why he built the
Martin Sugar Day Care Center.
It's an overturned refrigerator
filled with kitty litter!
Look, we just like him.
Let's let him go.
No! If he committed
these crimes,
then he has to pay the price!
I don't know.
I think about
all the people he ripped off,
but then I think about
how funny and handsome he is
and I just want
to sit on his .
I think we need to take
another look at the evidence.
Hey. It's me.
I'm gonna be late.
Can you TiVo Ass Rangers 4
for me?
Thanks, hon.
Now put Mommy on the phone.
Has the jury
reached a verdict?
Yes, Your Honor.
Martin Sugar,
you have been found guilty
on all counts.
He wasn't gonna
let us go home!
I'll visit you
in prison.
You are sentenced to ten years
in maximum security prison.
I can't believe he got me.
♪ Breaking rocks
in the hot sun ♪
♪ I fought the law
and the law won. ♪
Stop, Stan.
You know I love that song,
and I'm not in the mood
to do a whole--
Oh, screw it.
♪ I needed money
'cause I had none ♪
♪ I fought the law
and the law won ♪
♪ I fought
the law and the law won. ♪
Nice try, guys, but I always
keep a handcuff key up my bum.
Ta-dah!
How could you do this
to me, Stan?
Sorry, Roger. I just had
to take a bite out of crime.
You know who said that?
McGruff the Crime Dog,
my number four favorite
fictitious dog of all time.
Let's run through
the whole Top Ten.
Number ten: Benji.
Air Bud.
Spike,
Snoopy's ne'er-do-well
desert-dwelling brother.
Eddie from Frasier.
Original party animal
Spuds MacKenzie.
Hooch,
of Turner & Hooch fame.
Already told ya.
Try to keep up.
Old Yeller.
Lassie.
And the number one dog
on my fictitious dog list is...
Brian Griffin.
Uh, do I know you?
Stop pretending I don't exist!
What'd you do?
I killed my mother.
Really? Matricide?
That's disrespectful.
Although if you inherited that
pizza face from her, I get it.
Excuse me, driver,
could I be shackled
to someone
with a softer offense?
Maybe someone guilty of
a Jew-on-Jew financial crime?
Whoa.
Anyone guilty
of a Napster-level crime?
I'll-I'll even
take a mother killer
without
Edward James Olmos cheeks.
Edward James Olmos cheeks.
Hayley, I think we need
to have a little
mother-daughter talk.
Okay.
Your husband's "condition"
is way out of control.
Bottom line, you need to start
satisfying him more, sweetie.
But, Mom, I satisfy
him all the time.
Well, then you got
to do it better.
Get creative, Hayley.
Use your pinky.
I'm using my pinky, Mom.
I don't think you're
using your pinky.
I told you I'm using it.
But are you really
using your pinky?
I don't think so!
Get.
Up.
In.
There.
Stan, how was the trial?
Justice prevailed, as per use.
Oh, big news. You'll never
guess who the defendant was.
But first, where's Steve?
I want to see how my fantasy
basketball team is doing.
Well, he understood
the fantasy part,
but had no idea
what basketball was.
He tried to add three griffins
and an orc to your roster.
nerd.
Breaking news! A bus bound
for the Virginia Correctional
Facility has crashed.
One prisoner has escaped.
What?! That son
of a bitch!
Wait, Roger
was the guy on trial?
How could you convict him?
Because he's guilty!
And now he's gonna get away.
You know what? No.
I'm gonna bring
him in myself.
What did Daddy
think of my trades?
You hurt your family
with what you did, Steve.
You made us weaker
as a unit.
This is the seventh bus
you've crashed, Kevin.
You're gonna have to learn how
to laugh on the inside, brother.
I'll take it
from here.
Who are you?
Stan Smith, I'm a Marshal, too.
Look, there's only one man
that's gonna bring this guy in,
and that's me.
But, if you really
want to help,
you can take this rock
and get it out of my way.
You think you can
handle that, dumbass?
Now, leave me alone so I
can study this footprint.
Text from Stan here.
Better not be him with
some unconscious fool.
Oh, damn!
That fool got knocked
the hell out!
Let me see.
Oh, I wish
you hadn't shown me that.
♪ ♪
Sang-Mi, give me
hot pink on my fingers
and pink mist
on my toes.
Hello?
You got real close
to taking me down, Stan.
But it's never
gonna happen.
You can't catch
Ferris Bueller, Jeanie.
Roger, I don't care if I have to
search to the ends of the Earth.
Hold on. I should get this.
Sang-Mi's Nail Salon.
Now at their new location,
124 Grand Street.
How may I help you?
It's still me.
Got to get out of town.
But first,
I got to change my disguise.
Take me to him, boy.
♪ ♪
Jeff!
Thanks for letting me go back
on my medication, Mrs. S.
Better than
the alternative.
♪ ♪
Why are you destroying
my birthday bear?!
I need to get
out of the country!
There was money
in the bear?
Dios mío.
Money in the bear.
Okay, okay, Stan.
You got me.
But why was catching me
so important?
Because following the rules
is hard work.
And if I follow them, you
should have to follow them, too.
You're going to
prison, Roger.
No! I'll do anything.
I'll follow the rules!
Look, I'll even report
for jury duty!
Yes, this is, um...
Dr. Lawrence Feldman.
I want to report for jury duty.
8:00 in the morning?
Is that, like, a hard 8:00,
or can I roll in around noon?
Fine.
Well, you win.
Ferris Bueller is dead.
I guess eventually,
we all have to move on.
I have to make Biloxi Blues,
then Godzilla,
then continue to comb my hair
boyishly to the side,
even though I'm well
into my 50s and nearly bald.
Oh, come on,
Can't you just let me go?
Sorry, Roger.
Justice has finally
caught up with you.
Yeah,
that's him.
No! No! I'm the good guy!
He's the bad guy!
Who are you?
I'm Bob Danolou.
I make
gluten-free desserts.
Not going to lie.
We're struggling at the moment.
Stan!
Hi...
Oh my God.
He is so guilty.
You're voting "guilty,"
right?
You can't know
he's guilty yet.
Everyone's guilty
of something.
You're guilty of having
incredibly kissable lips.
Oh, they're plump
and sweet like ripe cherries.
I'll vote guilty
if you want me to.
Of course you will.
Hi...
♪ I got a feeling that it's
gonna be a wonderful day ♪
♪ The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ♪
♪ And he's shining a salute
to the American race ♪
♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪
♪ Good... ♪
♪ Good morning, USA ♪
Aah!
♪ American Dad 6x07 ♪
The People vs. Martin Sugar
Original Air Date on December 5, 2010
Superior Court of Langley Falls,
Jury Service.
Morning, Olivia.
It's Stan Smith.
Oh, hi, Stan.
Has it been a
year already?
To the day.
Did you get the self-addressed
stamped envelope
I sent for my jury summons?
Mm-hmm.
I'm ready to be back
in the jury pool.
I hope the water's warm.
I hope the water's warm.
Let me see
what we got.
I can put you on a
multiple felony trial
that starts tomorrow.
Olivia, you're guilty.
Of making my day.
All right,
I'll see you tomorrow.
If you have no objections.
It's me. I had
to stop that.
What is it with
you and jury duty?
Jury duty is the best way
for honest citizens
to punish lawbreakers.
It's a waste of time.
Like getting
an HIV test.
Roll the dice,
scaredy-cats!
Hey, I happen to know
at least 20 of your personas
have social security numbers.
You must get called in
for jury duty.
I do. Want to see what I do
with the letters they send me?
The jury letters
are just the top layer.
Underneath are my parking
tickets and alimony statements.
All those bitches can starve.
You just do whatever
you want, don't you?
Pretty much, bro.
I do what I want, when I want.
Exhibit A.
I see you're admiring
my special Austrian toilet.
Very powerful suction.
I like to clean my crack
with your undershirts,
so I need a crapper
that can suck them down.
One day you'll have to face the
consequences of your actions.
No, I won't.
People forgive you
if you're likable,
and I'm the most charming S.O.B.
anyone's ever met.
Face it, I'm Ferris Bueller
and you're my jealous,
big-nosed, sour-faced
sister Jeanie.
I am not Jeanie.
Sure you are.
Now watch this.
Look at that.
Took my nipple clamps, too.
Had those twisted on
pretty tight.
It's going to be so much fun
having you two
living in the house.
And I want to formally
welcome Jeff to our home.
Thanks, Mrs. S.
House rules?
Unfortunately, there's a stern
side to the welcome basket.
"No smoking pot"?
Mom, Jeff needs it.
He's got a
prescription.
He has a compulsive disorder
that could get really bad
if he goes off
his medication.
Oh, shut up, Hayley;
that's not true.
Look, it's not even my rule,
it's your dad's.
You think I wouldn't like
to spark up a doober
every now and again?
Just take a nice, slow,
extra-careful drive.
But, Mom...
It's okay, Hayley,
I can handle it.
I mean, weed's the thing
I care about the most,
but maybe
that should be you.
Oh...
Thanks, Jeff.
Man, you got me
thinking about weed now.
That stuff makes me
want to drink so much soda.
I smoke a bone, then I drain
a two-liter of Sunkist
in, like, a second.
Freaks people out.
What time is it?
It's 6:00 a.m.
I'm checking into a motel
then reporting to jury duty.
You don't always have to
sequester yourself, you know.
Yes, I do, Francine.
I need to be in a media blackout
so I don't compromise the trial.
Now, while I'm gone,
I need you to manage
my fantasy basketball team.
Can I make
any trades?
No. Just set the lineup.
Stan, you need
a power forward.
I have Dirk Nowitzki.
He's soft, Stan.
You need a thug.
You need Ron Artest.
I don't want Ron Artest.
You know what, forget it.
I'll have Steve set my lineup.
Fine.
Let that nerd set your lineup.
Watch you lose.
You, uh, want
the Metro Section?
Thanks.
You trying to expose me
to the news?!
Force a mistrial?
Who do you work for?
Young Man's Fancy!
What?
It's a formal-wear boutique
for style-conscious preteens!
I'm sorry!
Before your jury service begins,
please watch this short video.
Hi. I'm Judd Nelson,
star of the 1987
courtroom comedy From the Hip.
Maybe you remember the scene
where I did Jell-O shots
off of Elizabeth Perkins
tight buns.
Oh, wait...
that happened in real life.
Anyway, every American's
got the right to a trial
by a jury of his peers.
The first step to any trial
is jury selection.
It's a lot like
an acting audition.
I used to hate them, but...
now I'd kill for one.
I mean... just murder someone.
Sir, is there
any reason
you couldn't
serve on this jury?
I'd love to; I just don't
have regular child care.
The prosecution
dismisses juror four.
Hang on a second.
Aah!
Liar!
What if that had been
a real baby?!
Sometimes it is.
Congratulations
to you all
for being selected
as the jury in this case.
Have you selected
a foreman?
I would like to nominate
myself as jury foreman.
Your Honor, I love the law,
and I love justice,
and I will do anything,
even die, to preserve them.
How many of you
can read?
Eh...
no.
Okay, you're foreman.
Oh, I hope it's
still in the toilet.
I don't know who left it,
but it is crazy big!
It's sticking out of the
water like a shipwreck!
Jeff!
What the hell, man!
I-I thought everyone was out.
You have
got to lock
the freaking door, dude!
I'm sorry,
but when I'm not smoking pot,
I suffer from HLS,
Hyperactive Libido Syndrome.
When it hits, I got
to get busy right away.
If you're gonna do
that in this house,
you'll do it where everyone
else in this family does it:
in Steve's bed!
What?!
Today we will be hearing
the case of
The People v. Martin Sugar.
Mr. Sugar is accused of
manufacturing and distributing
millions of dollars' worth
of counterfeit handbags.
Please bring in the defendant.
Justice time!
Hi...!
It's me, Roger.
Stan. Stan.
Just-just look over here,
just for a sec. Stan.
Hi...!
Throughout this trial,
we will present evidence
against the defendant,
showing how truly despicable
his crimes were.
In addition
to the counterfeiting,
he subjected illegal workers
to inhumane work conditions.
This man is a threat to society.
He is a menace, and he
must pay for his crimes.
I will prove
beyond a reasonable doubt
that Martin Sugar
deserves to be behind bars.
♪ I've been really ♪
♪ Trying, baby ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Trying to hold back
these feelings ♪
♪ For so long... ♪
Would the defense like
to make an opening statement?
I'll be speaking on behalf
of my attorney, Your Honor.
This is Bert Faber, and he's
been my lawyer for 20 years.
Recently Bert survived a lengthy
battle with throat cancer,
and it claimed
his voice box.
But I won't fire him.
He's family-- and you don't
abandon your family!
Did you hear that?
What a stand-up guy.
Eh, so I am definitely
not on trial here?
Does anyone
have a lozenge?
Bert's throat gets
so dry these days.
I knew you'd have one.
You're clearly a mother--
you have kind eyes.
Aw...
Yes.
(screams
Oh, Jeff, come on!
We keep the food in there!
Sorry, I was
just getting a snack,
then I noticed the maple syrup
lady looks like Ashanti,
and I told you,
I can't control myself!
Frannie, can you grab
me the saltines?
Aah, oh, dude!
Oh, you are killing me!
Ugh!
Frannie,
the canned goods
are probably all right, but
I-I'd toss everything else.
The prosecution would now like
to call Mr. Sugar to the stand.
Guess who's the luckiest guy
in the courtroom?
Bert, 'cause he gets
to watch my big round ass
as I walk
to the stand.
Mr. Sugar,
how do you explain
this photo of you
with illegal employees
and counterfeit merchandise?
You know what's not
counterfeit in that photo?
My emotions.
Aw...
Okay. I don't know
what that means.
But here you are
accepting a cash payment
for the fake handbags.
Do you admit
that this is you?!
I will... if you
admit this is you.
Wh-Wha...
H-How did you...
Look how happy you are.
Ladies and gentlemen
of the jury,
don't they make
a great couple?
Gosh, she looked good
before the baby.
Mr. Sugar made us work very hard.
When we weren't sewing handbags,
he made us sleep on the floor.
Inez... thank you.
Inez, does the date September
19th mean anything to you?
Es mi cumpleanos.
In English, please.
It is my birthday.
Can you tell me
what this is, Inez?
It is the bear you gave
me for my birthday.
Aw...
So, if I was the monster
the prosecution is trying
to portray me as,
would I have given you
such a wonderful
birthday present?
No.
In English, please.
No.
Martin Sugar rests, y'all!
Oh-Oh. Yeah.
Look, I'm jury foreman
and no one leaves here
until we come
to a unanimous decision.
We're unanimous.
You're the only douchebag
who thinks he's guilty.
Didn't you people see
all the evidence?
He makes pregnant women
on the assembly line give birth
and then get right back to work!
That's why he built the
Martin Sugar Day Care Center.
It's an overturned refrigerator
filled with kitty litter!
Look, we just like him.
Let's let him go.
No! If he committed
these crimes,
then he has to pay the price!
I don't know.
I think about
all the people he ripped off,
but then I think about
how funny and handsome he is
and I just want
to sit on his .
I think we need to take
another look at the evidence.
Hey. It's me.
I'm gonna be late.
Can you TiVo Ass Rangers 4
for me?
Thanks, hon.
Now put Mommy on the phone.
Has the jury
reached a verdict?
Yes, Your Honor.
Martin Sugar,
you have been found guilty
on all counts.
He wasn't gonna
let us go home!
I'll visit you
in prison.
You are sentenced to ten years
in maximum security prison.
I can't believe he got me.
♪ Breaking rocks
in the hot sun ♪
♪ I fought the law
and the law won. ♪
Stop, Stan.
You know I love that song,
and I'm not in the mood
to do a whole--
Oh, screw it.
♪ I needed money
'cause I had none ♪
♪ I fought the law
and the law won ♪
♪ I fought
the law and the law won. ♪
Nice try, guys, but I always
keep a handcuff key up my bum.
Ta-dah!
How could you do this
to me, Stan?
Sorry, Roger. I just had
to take a bite out of crime.
You know who said that?
McGruff the Crime Dog,
my number four favorite
fictitious dog of all time.
Let's run through
the whole Top Ten.
Number ten: Benji.
Air Bud.
Spike,
Snoopy's ne'er-do-well
desert-dwelling brother.
Eddie from Frasier.
Original party animal
Spuds MacKenzie.
Hooch,
of Turner & Hooch fame.
Already told ya.
Try to keep up.
Old Yeller.
Lassie.
And the number one dog
on my fictitious dog list is...
Brian Griffin.
Uh, do I know you?
Stop pretending I don't exist!
What'd you do?
I killed my mother.
Really? Matricide?
That's disrespectful.
Although if you inherited that
pizza face from her, I get it.
Excuse me, driver,
could I be shackled
to someone
with a softer offense?
Maybe someone guilty of
a Jew-on-Jew financial crime?
Whoa.
Anyone guilty
of a Napster-level crime?
I'll-I'll even
take a mother killer
without
Edward James Olmos cheeks.
Edward James Olmos cheeks.
Hayley, I think we need
to have a little
mother-daughter talk.
Okay.
Your husband's "condition"
is way out of control.
Bottom line, you need to start
satisfying him more, sweetie.
But, Mom, I satisfy
him all the time.
Well, then you got
to do it better.
Get creative, Hayley.
Use your pinky.
I'm using my pinky, Mom.
I don't think you're
using your pinky.
I told you I'm using it.
But are you really
using your pinky?
I don't think so!
Get.
Up.
In.
There.
Stan, how was the trial?
Justice prevailed, as per use.
Oh, big news. You'll never
guess who the defendant was.
But first, where's Steve?
I want to see how my fantasy
basketball team is doing.
Well, he understood
the fantasy part,
but had no idea
what basketball was.
He tried to add three griffins
and an orc to your roster.
nerd.
Breaking news! A bus bound
for the Virginia Correctional
Facility has crashed.
One prisoner has escaped.
What?! That son
of a bitch!
Wait, Roger
was the guy on trial?
How could you convict him?
Because he's guilty!
And now he's gonna get away.
You know what? No.
I'm gonna bring
him in myself.
What did Daddy
think of my trades?
You hurt your family
with what you did, Steve.
You made us weaker
as a unit.
This is the seventh bus
you've crashed, Kevin.
You're gonna have to learn how
to laugh on the inside, brother.
I'll take it
from here.
Who are you?
Stan Smith, I'm a Marshal, too.
Look, there's only one man
that's gonna bring this guy in,
and that's me.
But, if you really
want to help,
you can take this rock
and get it out of my way.
You think you can
handle that, dumbass?
Now, leave me alone so I
can study this footprint.
Text from Stan here.
Better not be him with
some unconscious fool.
Oh, damn!
That fool got knocked
the hell out!
Let me see.
Oh, I wish
you hadn't shown me that.
♪ ♪
Sang-Mi, give me
hot pink on my fingers
and pink mist
on my toes.
Hello?
You got real close
to taking me down, Stan.
But it's never
gonna happen.
You can't catch
Ferris Bueller, Jeanie.
Roger, I don't care if I have to
search to the ends of the Earth.
Hold on. I should get this.
Sang-Mi's Nail Salon.
Now at their new location,
124 Grand Street.
How may I help you?
It's still me.
Got to get out of town.
But first,
I got to change my disguise.
Take me to him, boy.
♪ ♪
Jeff!
Thanks for letting me go back
on my medication, Mrs. S.
Better than
the alternative.
♪ ♪
Why are you destroying
my birthday bear?!
I need to get
out of the country!
There was money
in the bear?
Dios mío.
Money in the bear.
Okay, okay, Stan.
You got me.
But why was catching me
so important?
Because following the rules
is hard work.
And if I follow them, you
should have to follow them, too.
You're going to
prison, Roger.
No! I'll do anything.
I'll follow the rules!
Look, I'll even report
for jury duty!
Yes, this is, um...
Dr. Lawrence Feldman.
I want to report for jury duty.
8:00 in the morning?
Is that, like, a hard 8:00,
or can I roll in around noon?
Fine.
Well, you win.
Ferris Bueller is dead.
I guess eventually,
we all have to move on.
I have to make Biloxi Blues,
then Godzilla,
then continue to comb my hair
boyishly to the side,
even though I'm well
into my 50s and nearly bald.
Oh, come on,
Can't you just let me go?
Sorry, Roger.
Justice has finally
caught up with you.
Yeah,
that's him.
No! No! I'm the good guy!
He's the bad guy!
Who are you?
I'm Bob Danolou.
I make
gluten-free desserts.
Not going to lie.
We're struggling at the moment.
Stan!
Hi...
Oh my God.
He is so guilty.
You're voting "guilty,"
right?
You can't know
he's guilty yet.
Everyone's guilty
of something.
You're guilty of having
incredibly kissable lips.
Oh, they're plump
and sweet like ripe cherries.
I'll vote guilty
if you want me to.
Of course you will.
Hi...