American Dad! (2005–…): Season 6, Episode 6 - There Will Be Bad Blood - full transcript
Stan invites his half-Native American brother to his house every Thanksgiving to show off his wealth--until they visit him for Thanksgiving and discover that he's a multi-millionaire.
♪ Good morning, USA! ♪
♪ I got a feeling that it's
gonna be a wonderful day ♪
♪ The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ♪
♪ And he's shining a salute
to the American race ♪
♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪
♪ Good... ♪
♪ Good morning, USA ♪
Aah!
♪ American Dad 6x06 ♪
There Will Be Bad Blood
Original Air Date on November 289, 2010
Come on, people, I want
this place to look nice.
Family is coming.
Francine, did you
pick up Champagne?
Yeah, I just picked her up
from the bus stop.
Miss Francine, did you
move the gravy boat?
It's above
the microwave, dear.
Klaus, you
look great.
Thanks, it's just
Banana Republic.
How... do I look?
Steve, you know my half
brother is Native American.
But we made
these in school.
Those things are sacred,
like yarmulkes for the Jews
or cowboy hats for ugly sluts
at music festivals.
Happy Thanksgiving,
everyone.
There's my
favorite nephew.
Butterfly knife
and a Hustler.
Thanks, Uncle Kappy.
I'm not Uncle
Kappy just yet.
I still have
to get drunk.
Now, then, where
is the good booze
that you only pull out to
show off to your half brother?
I don't pull out the nice Scotch
to show off.
I do it in the spirit
of the holiday
to share with the ones I love.
Oh, please, you have
them over every year
just so you can feel
like a big shot.
Roger's right, Dad.
You totally get off on
how much more successful you are
than your half brother.
Hayley, trust me, you have
no idea what gets me off
and you probably
never will.
Look, Rusty and his family
have nothing.
I invite them here
so they can enjoy
all we've been blessed with.
I might be wealthier than Rusty,
but it's not like I rub it
in his face.
Rusty.
Hey, feel this,
it's cashmere.
Thank you for having us.
Sooleawa'Uha likes
to escape the desert heat,
and I know Glenn looks forward
to this all the year long.
I know what
that's like.
I look forward to coming
here every day, too,
to this big-ass house, yeah...
I make money.
Here you go,
Rusty.
I can't believe it's
been a whole year
since you've
been here.
We have so much new
stuff to show you.
Steve, show Glenn
your new X-Cube.
The "X" is
for "x-pensive."
Look at those graphics
on that high-def,
no-glare screen.
You can even shine
a flashlight on it.
See, no glare.
And you should see the
blacks on this thing.
Steve, pop in The
Nutty Professor.
And check out
this flashlight-- halogen.
This thing's
bright as ...
The four burners allow me
to make four things at once.
That's hot as ...
Welcome
to the Smith house.
You know, this day is
about giving thanks,
and I'll tell you
what I'm thankful for--
having family I get to spend
each Thanksgiving with.
I'm glad
that when my dad walked
into that nightclub
in Santa Fe,
eyes damaged
by the New Mexican sun,
he bedded
your Cherokee mother,
having mistaken her
for a person.
I love you, bro.
You're my Thanksgiving Miracle.
"Thanksgiving Miracle"?
You're thinking
of "Christmas Miracle."
Oh, no, Hayley.
Me thinkum you forgottum
the story
of the Thanksgiving Miracle.
It all started at a place
called Pontiac Rock.
Well, the Pilgrims arrived and
they didn't know what to do.
The land was all undeveloped
because the Indians
hadn't done any work.
It was all weeds,
no sprinklers, nothing,
just nothing.
They couldn't get
anything to grow
or even make shelter
before the harsh winter came.
In the Pilgrims' darkest hour,
when all was lost...
along came Squanto.
The following autumn, the
Pilgrims invited the Indians
to a feast to thank them
for all their kindness.
The feast was the perfect
opportunity for the Pilgrims
to try out
their new exploding corn.
Our forefathers took
their land...
and it was good.
And now how about
a Champagne toast?
To the Smiths.
They gave me
their old curtains.
I can't wait to see the
look on my brother's face
when he sees these Manolo
Blahniks I got for the turkey.
Oh, Stan, our first Thanksgiving
since Hayley ran off with Jeff.
It just won't be the same
without our little girl.
There is still a week.
Maybe they'll come back.
She's not coming back, Francine.
In fact, she's dead to me
for marrying that loser.
Stan.
Yep, yep, we got some HVAC
running through here.
Steve, what are you doing?!
Expanding my room.
I'm an only child now,
so I get anything I want.
You have to do whatever I say
because I'm all you got.
And I want
a bigger room!
I want a closet
like Big made
for Carrie
in Sex and the City.
I want a Labradoodle
and a nice camera
to take pictures of us!
Steven, you are
out of control, mister.
You'd better not
behave this way
when Rusty and his
family get here.
If anyone has the right
to complain, it's them.
They don't have squat.
You know what?
For Thanksgiving this year,
we're not going
to have them come here.
We're going to their gross
tepee in Crap-hole, Arizona.
Then you'll see
how good you've got it.
What?!
You heard me,
and then we're going
to Four Corners,
where you'll get
to see me break-dance
in four states at once!
Ahh, man!
We're going to spend
a whole week here?
Aah, I didn't bring enough
batteries for all my stuff.
Rusty.
Sorry about the elk.
I found him on the
side of the road.
You Indians really don't waste
a thing, do you?
Except for time reading
the fine print on treaties.
Hop in, guys.
I call antlers
up the butt.
Mine, called it.
You... live here?
I do.
This is what Steve
needs to see.
Come on, let's get settled.
Stan, where are you going?
That is the pump house
for the fountains and pools.
Fountains and pools?
Well, so, then,
where do you live?
Up there.
That's your house?
Well, actually,
it is a replica
of Augustus Caesar's
summer house
built into the cliffs
of Cyprus.
But yes, that is
the long way of saying yes.
So...
we're the
poor family.
Whoa, somebody
just got cuter.
Some tepee
you got here, Russ.
The home was a
labor of love.
We built it into
the mountainside
so as to
not obstruct
the natural order
of the landscape.
I bragged
about our four burners.
How many burners
do you have?
I never counted.
Hmm... 86?
Whoo, that's a lot of burners!
Glenn, I think
Steve might enjoy
to see your
gaming space.
This place is crazy.
Do we really have to wear
these to play video games?
It's amazing
how this skintight suit
doesn't show a boner
even though I'm certain
we both have one, right?
I just want you to know
I'm having a wonderful time.
Power on!
Where are the remotes?!
We are the remotes!
My whole body's a joystick!
This bar has
absolutely everything.
Oh, my God, Absolute Everything.
That bathroom
is amazing.
A gold toilet?
And I can't believe
you have a servant
just to wipe
your butt.
Um, I don't.
Oh, explains
the attitude
and why he did
such a slapdash job.
Rusty, I, I always
thought you were poor.
I-I actually
brought Steve here
to try to make him
appreciate what he has.
That is truly funny
because I have been bringing
my family to your house
every Thanksgiving
for the same reason.
How did you
get so rich?
It is the land.
I pull $18 million
of copper
out of the ground
every year!
This land, the land
you got from Grandpa?
Wer-Weren't we supposed
to share this land?
You two ... are
my only grandchildren.
All I got to my ... name
is $20,000
and a piece of ... land
your sissy great grandpappy
won in a game of kickball
against some ...
So you two ... decide
who gets what:
the sweet 20 grand
or the crap land.
Rusty, we both clearly
want the money,
so here's
what we'll do.
I'll hold a number
behind my back.
If you choose correctly,
then you can take the money.
Okay.
Two.
Nope, 11.
I get the money.
Peace, I'm
out of here.
Yo, can I get two Jell-Os
for me and my gramps?
You tricked me!
Stan, you inherited $20,000.
What did you do with it?
I lost it.
Not in stocks and bonds, but
in the old-fashioned way--
left it on the bus.
Look, the point is-- things
clearly didn't work out fairly.
We should share this land.
Stan, I am sorry
about the way things worked out,
but I don't...
- You can do my wife.
- What?
Think about it.
White Francine.
No limits.
Stan, this land
was given to me
fair and square
by our grandfather.
You mean my
grandfather!
You shouldn't
even exist!
Like male nipples.
They're worthless.
They're driving me crazy.
Every time I look at
'em, I feel like a lady.
Come on, Uncle Kappy.
It's time to go.
No!
It's Sammy Hagar's
Jagermeister--
Hagarmeister!
Yeah, baby!
This house
blows.
I shouldn't have to live like a
homeless person.
What about me?
I only have
four burners.
What if I want
to cook bacon
and an egg
and a hash brown and...
a pancake
and a chicken?
I just realized that I've always
hated living here.
I can't believe my ears.
Because every word
that you guys just said
is completely true.
This place sucks.
What are you guys talking about?
Hey, it's me, Klaus.
Rusty's rich,
Klaus.
Okay?
Now you know.
Oh.
Well, Stan, you should be
happy for your brother.
So what if
he's rich?
You all still
have so much.
Look at me.
I lost everything,
even my big ...
But I am still thankful
for what I do have.
Like the sunshine and music
and... and all of you
to enjoy life with.
This is crap.
Tomorrow's
Thanksgiving,
and we have nothing
to be thankful for!
Grandpa wanted me
to have that land,
but Rusty slid in and took it
right out from under me.
Do you really feel
like all of Rusty's stuff
should be yours, Stan?
Yes, I do.
In my heart, I know
it should all be mine.
Then you must take it.
Yeah. Do what
the pilgrims did.
Just-Just
take it.
And most importantly,
take it all.
Take it all
like a big girl.
Stan nods,
inspired.
♪ ♪
Text from
my boy Rog.
It better not
be a butt.
Uh-oh. There's
an attachment.
It's downloading.
Please don't
be a butt.
Please, please,
please...
Oh, it's a butt!
Come on now!
Whose butt is that?
That's a
white-ass butt!
Let me see.
What's
going on?
Why are we at
Uncle Stan's house?
That son
of a bitch.
Trying to pull the old
house switcheroony on us.
Would anyone
like me
to pour more Dom on
the floor?
This is the best
Thanksgiving ever.
Who could
that be?
Rusty!
Get the hell out of my house.
They remember.
No. You don't
understand.
It should
all be mine.
The floor is heated.
Oh, come on.
If you come back here,
I will kill you!
That should
all be mine!
I deserve it.
I want it all!
It should be
mine, mine, mine!
Is everyone
okay?
Yeah, yeah,
I think so.
Thank God.
It's a miracle.
I'll go
get help.
This helicopter crash
was the best thing
that could have
happened to us.
Now we can go back to Rusty's
and get what we deserve.
But Stan,
he said he'd kill you.
If Native Americans
could kill a white man,
they would have done it already.
Well...
okay.
Which way
is it?
We were flying south, so
the house should be due north.
I have a compass.
Follow me.
This looks just like
where they shot
that Spice Girls video.
♪ Give it up, girl ♪
♪ You get it, got it ♪
♪ You can do it
if you really want it! ♪
That's-that's not really
one of their songs,
but it's-it's crappy
like that.
Roger, I'm
pretty sure
this is the
second time
we passed
this cactus
that looks like
Queen Latifah.
I know where I'm going.
I just need
to get the last ball in
to make this thing really work.
What...? Let
me see that.
Roger, this
isn't a compass.
It's a stupid
game for fun.
It is? Who's
doing that for fun?
We're lost!
Oh, my God,
it didn't break.
Oh, my God,
you got all the balls in.
Oh, my God,
it isn't fun!
Wonder who
this guy was.
Luckily, I've got
some forensic clay on me.
Let's see who died.
A balanced breakfast!
Oh, no. They smelled
the fake breakfast!
They're gonna
kill us!
Stan!
Oh, my God.
I know this wolf.
I know this wolf!
It's a miracle--
a Thanksgiving miracle!
My wolf came to save us!
♪ ♪
Aah! It's not her!
It's not Felicity.
Different wolf.
Thank God
those wolves gave up.
Nature's quitters.
Too hot.
Don't worry.
I know what to do.
What are you doing?
I saw this
on Man vs. Wild.
These pee hats
will keep us cool.
It-It got so cold.
This thing's stuck to my head.
It froze!
It's freezing my brain!
We have to huddle
together for warmth. Come.
Francine, touch me.
What?
Touch me.
It'll provide us with
all the warmth we need.
I saw it on
Man vs. Wild.
That feels amazing.
I'm not touching you.
I am.
That feels amazing.
Oh, I'm gonna make it!
Moo-hoo!
Uh-oh. Oh, no.
We are definitely
going to die.
I'm too
young to die.
No, you're not.
Just give up, son.
You'll stay young forever.
♪ ♪
Squanto?
It's the Thanksgiving miracle.
HAYLEY'S VOICE:
Dad?
Hayley?
Hey, Mr. S.
Sorry I stole your money.
If it makes you feel any better,
I spent it all having fun.
You look terrible.
Hayley,
how did you find us?
It was totally random.
After we ran
out of money,
Jeff suggested that we
prostitute ourselves.
At first, Jeff
was saying
he was only going to
do woman, but then...
That wasn't
working out.
So, long story short,
Jeff's on butt rest,
and we moved
to the desert.
Please pass
the turkey jerky.
I'd like
to make a toast.
Yes, a toast.
To Jeff's
fruit punch
that I added
drain cleaner to.
And to Lionel
Richie
who put a blind woman
in his video.
This may not be
the best Thanksgiving dinner
we've ever had.
Worst.
But I'm so happy
to be here.
Through losing everything,
I realized
how much I took for granted.
Including my daughter,
who I was ready to disown.
Hayley, you are
officially undead to me.
I want you and Jeff
to move in with us.
Stan?
Rusty,
you're here.
I owe you
a huge apology.
We're brothers and...
I told you to
get off my land.
What? This is still
your land?!
How much land
did you get?
Sowo-wowo-wowo-wowo much.
Hey guys,
I found you.
Oh, my God!
Go! Go! Go!
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
L-Let me get
this straight.
You have an oven
just for toast?
That's right, Jeff.
And look at these
paper towels I bought.
Look how thick.
You can keep that.
Gee, Mr. S., you're the
richest guy I know.
And you're the poorest
guy I know, Jeff.
And that's why you can stay
here as long as you want.
Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.
♪ I got a feeling that it's
gonna be a wonderful day ♪
♪ The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ♪
♪ And he's shining a salute
to the American race ♪
♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪
♪ Good... ♪
♪ Good morning, USA ♪
Aah!
♪ American Dad 6x06 ♪
There Will Be Bad Blood
Original Air Date on November 289, 2010
Come on, people, I want
this place to look nice.
Family is coming.
Francine, did you
pick up Champagne?
Yeah, I just picked her up
from the bus stop.
Miss Francine, did you
move the gravy boat?
It's above
the microwave, dear.
Klaus, you
look great.
Thanks, it's just
Banana Republic.
How... do I look?
Steve, you know my half
brother is Native American.
But we made
these in school.
Those things are sacred,
like yarmulkes for the Jews
or cowboy hats for ugly sluts
at music festivals.
Happy Thanksgiving,
everyone.
There's my
favorite nephew.
Butterfly knife
and a Hustler.
Thanks, Uncle Kappy.
I'm not Uncle
Kappy just yet.
I still have
to get drunk.
Now, then, where
is the good booze
that you only pull out to
show off to your half brother?
I don't pull out the nice Scotch
to show off.
I do it in the spirit
of the holiday
to share with the ones I love.
Oh, please, you have
them over every year
just so you can feel
like a big shot.
Roger's right, Dad.
You totally get off on
how much more successful you are
than your half brother.
Hayley, trust me, you have
no idea what gets me off
and you probably
never will.
Look, Rusty and his family
have nothing.
I invite them here
so they can enjoy
all we've been blessed with.
I might be wealthier than Rusty,
but it's not like I rub it
in his face.
Rusty.
Hey, feel this,
it's cashmere.
Thank you for having us.
Sooleawa'Uha likes
to escape the desert heat,
and I know Glenn looks forward
to this all the year long.
I know what
that's like.
I look forward to coming
here every day, too,
to this big-ass house, yeah...
I make money.
Here you go,
Rusty.
I can't believe it's
been a whole year
since you've
been here.
We have so much new
stuff to show you.
Steve, show Glenn
your new X-Cube.
The "X" is
for "x-pensive."
Look at those graphics
on that high-def,
no-glare screen.
You can even shine
a flashlight on it.
See, no glare.
And you should see the
blacks on this thing.
Steve, pop in The
Nutty Professor.
And check out
this flashlight-- halogen.
This thing's
bright as ...
The four burners allow me
to make four things at once.
That's hot as ...
Welcome
to the Smith house.
You know, this day is
about giving thanks,
and I'll tell you
what I'm thankful for--
having family I get to spend
each Thanksgiving with.
I'm glad
that when my dad walked
into that nightclub
in Santa Fe,
eyes damaged
by the New Mexican sun,
he bedded
your Cherokee mother,
having mistaken her
for a person.
I love you, bro.
You're my Thanksgiving Miracle.
"Thanksgiving Miracle"?
You're thinking
of "Christmas Miracle."
Oh, no, Hayley.
Me thinkum you forgottum
the story
of the Thanksgiving Miracle.
It all started at a place
called Pontiac Rock.
Well, the Pilgrims arrived and
they didn't know what to do.
The land was all undeveloped
because the Indians
hadn't done any work.
It was all weeds,
no sprinklers, nothing,
just nothing.
They couldn't get
anything to grow
or even make shelter
before the harsh winter came.
In the Pilgrims' darkest hour,
when all was lost...
along came Squanto.
The following autumn, the
Pilgrims invited the Indians
to a feast to thank them
for all their kindness.
The feast was the perfect
opportunity for the Pilgrims
to try out
their new exploding corn.
Our forefathers took
their land...
and it was good.
And now how about
a Champagne toast?
To the Smiths.
They gave me
their old curtains.
I can't wait to see the
look on my brother's face
when he sees these Manolo
Blahniks I got for the turkey.
Oh, Stan, our first Thanksgiving
since Hayley ran off with Jeff.
It just won't be the same
without our little girl.
There is still a week.
Maybe they'll come back.
She's not coming back, Francine.
In fact, she's dead to me
for marrying that loser.
Stan.
Yep, yep, we got some HVAC
running through here.
Steve, what are you doing?!
Expanding my room.
I'm an only child now,
so I get anything I want.
You have to do whatever I say
because I'm all you got.
And I want
a bigger room!
I want a closet
like Big made
for Carrie
in Sex and the City.
I want a Labradoodle
and a nice camera
to take pictures of us!
Steven, you are
out of control, mister.
You'd better not
behave this way
when Rusty and his
family get here.
If anyone has the right
to complain, it's them.
They don't have squat.
You know what?
For Thanksgiving this year,
we're not going
to have them come here.
We're going to their gross
tepee in Crap-hole, Arizona.
Then you'll see
how good you've got it.
What?!
You heard me,
and then we're going
to Four Corners,
where you'll get
to see me break-dance
in four states at once!
Ahh, man!
We're going to spend
a whole week here?
Aah, I didn't bring enough
batteries for all my stuff.
Rusty.
Sorry about the elk.
I found him on the
side of the road.
You Indians really don't waste
a thing, do you?
Except for time reading
the fine print on treaties.
Hop in, guys.
I call antlers
up the butt.
Mine, called it.
You... live here?
I do.
This is what Steve
needs to see.
Come on, let's get settled.
Stan, where are you going?
That is the pump house
for the fountains and pools.
Fountains and pools?
Well, so, then,
where do you live?
Up there.
That's your house?
Well, actually,
it is a replica
of Augustus Caesar's
summer house
built into the cliffs
of Cyprus.
But yes, that is
the long way of saying yes.
So...
we're the
poor family.
Whoa, somebody
just got cuter.
Some tepee
you got here, Russ.
The home was a
labor of love.
We built it into
the mountainside
so as to
not obstruct
the natural order
of the landscape.
I bragged
about our four burners.
How many burners
do you have?
I never counted.
Hmm... 86?
Whoo, that's a lot of burners!
Glenn, I think
Steve might enjoy
to see your
gaming space.
This place is crazy.
Do we really have to wear
these to play video games?
It's amazing
how this skintight suit
doesn't show a boner
even though I'm certain
we both have one, right?
I just want you to know
I'm having a wonderful time.
Power on!
Where are the remotes?!
We are the remotes!
My whole body's a joystick!
This bar has
absolutely everything.
Oh, my God, Absolute Everything.
That bathroom
is amazing.
A gold toilet?
And I can't believe
you have a servant
just to wipe
your butt.
Um, I don't.
Oh, explains
the attitude
and why he did
such a slapdash job.
Rusty, I, I always
thought you were poor.
I-I actually
brought Steve here
to try to make him
appreciate what he has.
That is truly funny
because I have been bringing
my family to your house
every Thanksgiving
for the same reason.
How did you
get so rich?
It is the land.
I pull $18 million
of copper
out of the ground
every year!
This land, the land
you got from Grandpa?
Wer-Weren't we supposed
to share this land?
You two ... are
my only grandchildren.
All I got to my ... name
is $20,000
and a piece of ... land
your sissy great grandpappy
won in a game of kickball
against some ...
So you two ... decide
who gets what:
the sweet 20 grand
or the crap land.
Rusty, we both clearly
want the money,
so here's
what we'll do.
I'll hold a number
behind my back.
If you choose correctly,
then you can take the money.
Okay.
Two.
Nope, 11.
I get the money.
Peace, I'm
out of here.
Yo, can I get two Jell-Os
for me and my gramps?
You tricked me!
Stan, you inherited $20,000.
What did you do with it?
I lost it.
Not in stocks and bonds, but
in the old-fashioned way--
left it on the bus.
Look, the point is-- things
clearly didn't work out fairly.
We should share this land.
Stan, I am sorry
about the way things worked out,
but I don't...
- You can do my wife.
- What?
Think about it.
White Francine.
No limits.
Stan, this land
was given to me
fair and square
by our grandfather.
You mean my
grandfather!
You shouldn't
even exist!
Like male nipples.
They're worthless.
They're driving me crazy.
Every time I look at
'em, I feel like a lady.
Come on, Uncle Kappy.
It's time to go.
No!
It's Sammy Hagar's
Jagermeister--
Hagarmeister!
Yeah, baby!
This house
blows.
I shouldn't have to live like a
homeless person.
What about me?
I only have
four burners.
What if I want
to cook bacon
and an egg
and a hash brown and...
a pancake
and a chicken?
I just realized that I've always
hated living here.
I can't believe my ears.
Because every word
that you guys just said
is completely true.
This place sucks.
What are you guys talking about?
Hey, it's me, Klaus.
Rusty's rich,
Klaus.
Okay?
Now you know.
Oh.
Well, Stan, you should be
happy for your brother.
So what if
he's rich?
You all still
have so much.
Look at me.
I lost everything,
even my big ...
But I am still thankful
for what I do have.
Like the sunshine and music
and... and all of you
to enjoy life with.
This is crap.
Tomorrow's
Thanksgiving,
and we have nothing
to be thankful for!
Grandpa wanted me
to have that land,
but Rusty slid in and took it
right out from under me.
Do you really feel
like all of Rusty's stuff
should be yours, Stan?
Yes, I do.
In my heart, I know
it should all be mine.
Then you must take it.
Yeah. Do what
the pilgrims did.
Just-Just
take it.
And most importantly,
take it all.
Take it all
like a big girl.
Stan nods,
inspired.
♪ ♪
Text from
my boy Rog.
It better not
be a butt.
Uh-oh. There's
an attachment.
It's downloading.
Please don't
be a butt.
Please, please,
please...
Oh, it's a butt!
Come on now!
Whose butt is that?
That's a
white-ass butt!
Let me see.
What's
going on?
Why are we at
Uncle Stan's house?
That son
of a bitch.
Trying to pull the old
house switcheroony on us.
Would anyone
like me
to pour more Dom on
the floor?
This is the best
Thanksgiving ever.
Who could
that be?
Rusty!
Get the hell out of my house.
They remember.
No. You don't
understand.
It should
all be mine.
The floor is heated.
Oh, come on.
If you come back here,
I will kill you!
That should
all be mine!
I deserve it.
I want it all!
It should be
mine, mine, mine!
Is everyone
okay?
Yeah, yeah,
I think so.
Thank God.
It's a miracle.
I'll go
get help.
This helicopter crash
was the best thing
that could have
happened to us.
Now we can go back to Rusty's
and get what we deserve.
But Stan,
he said he'd kill you.
If Native Americans
could kill a white man,
they would have done it already.
Well...
okay.
Which way
is it?
We were flying south, so
the house should be due north.
I have a compass.
Follow me.
This looks just like
where they shot
that Spice Girls video.
♪ Give it up, girl ♪
♪ You get it, got it ♪
♪ You can do it
if you really want it! ♪
That's-that's not really
one of their songs,
but it's-it's crappy
like that.
Roger, I'm
pretty sure
this is the
second time
we passed
this cactus
that looks like
Queen Latifah.
I know where I'm going.
I just need
to get the last ball in
to make this thing really work.
What...? Let
me see that.
Roger, this
isn't a compass.
It's a stupid
game for fun.
It is? Who's
doing that for fun?
We're lost!
Oh, my God,
it didn't break.
Oh, my God,
you got all the balls in.
Oh, my God,
it isn't fun!
Wonder who
this guy was.
Luckily, I've got
some forensic clay on me.
Let's see who died.
A balanced breakfast!
Oh, no. They smelled
the fake breakfast!
They're gonna
kill us!
Stan!
Oh, my God.
I know this wolf.
I know this wolf!
It's a miracle--
a Thanksgiving miracle!
My wolf came to save us!
♪ ♪
Aah! It's not her!
It's not Felicity.
Different wolf.
Thank God
those wolves gave up.
Nature's quitters.
Too hot.
Don't worry.
I know what to do.
What are you doing?
I saw this
on Man vs. Wild.
These pee hats
will keep us cool.
It-It got so cold.
This thing's stuck to my head.
It froze!
It's freezing my brain!
We have to huddle
together for warmth. Come.
Francine, touch me.
What?
Touch me.
It'll provide us with
all the warmth we need.
I saw it on
Man vs. Wild.
That feels amazing.
I'm not touching you.
I am.
That feels amazing.
Oh, I'm gonna make it!
Moo-hoo!
Uh-oh. Oh, no.
We are definitely
going to die.
I'm too
young to die.
No, you're not.
Just give up, son.
You'll stay young forever.
♪ ♪
Squanto?
It's the Thanksgiving miracle.
HAYLEY'S VOICE:
Dad?
Hayley?
Hey, Mr. S.
Sorry I stole your money.
If it makes you feel any better,
I spent it all having fun.
You look terrible.
Hayley,
how did you find us?
It was totally random.
After we ran
out of money,
Jeff suggested that we
prostitute ourselves.
At first, Jeff
was saying
he was only going to
do woman, but then...
That wasn't
working out.
So, long story short,
Jeff's on butt rest,
and we moved
to the desert.
Please pass
the turkey jerky.
I'd like
to make a toast.
Yes, a toast.
To Jeff's
fruit punch
that I added
drain cleaner to.
And to Lionel
Richie
who put a blind woman
in his video.
This may not be
the best Thanksgiving dinner
we've ever had.
Worst.
But I'm so happy
to be here.
Through losing everything,
I realized
how much I took for granted.
Including my daughter,
who I was ready to disown.
Hayley, you are
officially undead to me.
I want you and Jeff
to move in with us.
Stan?
Rusty,
you're here.
I owe you
a huge apology.
We're brothers and...
I told you to
get off my land.
What? This is still
your land?!
How much land
did you get?
Sowo-wowo-wowo-wowo much.
Hey guys,
I found you.
Oh, my God!
Go! Go! Go!
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
L-Let me get
this straight.
You have an oven
just for toast?
That's right, Jeff.
And look at these
paper towels I bought.
Look how thick.
You can keep that.
Gee, Mr. S., you're the
richest guy I know.
And you're the poorest
guy I know, Jeff.
And that's why you can stay
here as long as you want.
Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.