American Dad! (2005–…): Season 6, Episode 11 - A Piñata Named Desire - full transcript
With a flair for the dramatic, Roger invites Stan to attend one of his acting classes.
♪ Good morning, USA! ♪
♪ American Dad 6x11 ♪
A Piñata Named Desire
Original Air Date on February 13, 2011
Listen, Rose,
you're gonna go on
and make lots of babies,
and you're gonna
watch them grow.
Promise me you'll survive.
Never... let go.
Very nice audition.
Thank you.
Thank you, Mr. Rivera-Perez,
for writing a play
as brave as Piñata Man.
A lowly piñata maker
who pretends to be as empty
as the toys he makes.
Oh!
Thank you.
Thank you.
Who's next?
You have my headshot, correct?
Uh...
yes.
Excellent.
Forgot to strike my prop.
Then Duper said
we were out of paper clips,
so I went to the supply closet,
and guess what your old dad
found behind the Post-it?
Had my big
audition, and...
...killed it!
Good for you!
That's great!
Hey, I was in the middle
of a story!
You found the paper clips.
Terrible story.
Anyway, the director
liked me so much,
I got a callback for the lead.
It's the role of lifetime.
Much bigger
than my voiceover work
on Pac-Man, the Animated Series.
I eat ghosts like you
for breakfast!
What do you think
you're doing?
That's the
big piece.
Yeah. So?
The big piece goes to
the big dog, AKA me.
And what makes you
the big dog?
Um, everything.
I'm smarter than you,
I'm stronger than you,
I can wet-nurse better than you.
Easy, girls.
Sorry, Stan.
Anything you can can do,
I can do better.
I can do anything
better than you.
No, you can't!
Yes, I can!
No, you can't.
Yes, I can.
♪ Yes, I can! ♪
♪ No, you can't! ♪
♪ Yes, I can! ♪
♪ No, you can't! ♪
Enough!
Can't we have one
meal without you two
getting into an angry
singing contest?!
Why is everything
a competition?
Yeah, you guys should just
and get it over with.
Clearly, they have repressed
sexual feelings for each other
that they're channeling
into hostility.
How's that Psych 101 class
going?
It's only day three,
but I understand
how the whole world works now.
Roger, while you act in your
little community theater plays,
do you know where I am?
Jerkin' it?
I'm on undercover
CIA missions
acting for an audience
of ruthless thugs,
terrorists
and assassins.
And if I'm unconvincing
or forget a line,
I don't get a bad review.
I get a bullet to the head.
Life-and-death stakes.
That's real acting.
Your a bad ass, Dad.
You guys don't really do
that James Bond stuff.
And you, that's enough from you
for the night!
It's bedtime.
Go to your room.
Get back here.
Give me a kiss.
You're a good boy.
You just frustrate me.
So, what's on the agenda
for tonight's sleepover?
Well, after pizza, we'll
retire to my tree house,
watch an '80s crap fest, say
Critters or Critters II,
and cap it off with a
foray into demon worship,
courtesy of the
Ouija board.
No! Last time
I summoned a demon,
and now he won't
leave me alone.
Delicious!
Oh, wait, wait.
You dorks still have
slumber parties?
Look, they're not
slumber parties.
I mean, trust me,
when the four of us
get together in a bedroom,
there's not much
slumbering going on.
Have you ever seen the
word piñata, Miss Lopez?
It has that squiggly
line over the "ñ"
that looks like
an eyebrow.
Or a stain
upon the soul.
Oh, rehearsing for your
little play audition?
Well, I have a big
undercover mission tonight
where I'll be doing
some real acting.
No, he doesn't.
He's so lying.
You know, Stanislavski says
that acting is the grandest lie.
Oh!
You guys ready?
My mom's picking us up
in front any minute.
Yeah, uh,
I just remembered.
I got to go get
my circumcision touched up.
And... Toshi and I have to
get to a taping of Benson.
Wait. You're all bailing
on the sleepover
because people
made fun of us.
Maybe we are too old
for sleepovers.
We're not kids
anymore.
There's a person
inside Big Bird!
But the best moments
of our lives have been
at sleepovers,
remember?
♪
♪
I know we got
to grow up sometime,
but damn it,
not today.
I say we plan
one last sleepover.
Two weeks
from today.
The sleepover
to end all sleepovers.
Who's with me?
We all...
had a black friend!
Hurry up, people!
The Indonesian drug cartel
will be here any minute.
It's almost show time.
Smith, you need to get
into wardrobe and makeup.
He really is an actor.
Sir, they're pulling up.
Places, everyone.
♪
♪
Good evening,
gentlemen.
Right this way.
That's your cue!
Magic time.
Water?
What did you say?
Water?
You're offering me water,
but somehow I'm not buying
that you are really
offering me water.
It's a setup!
What the hell
were you thinking?!
Improvising a line?!
There's a reason
I never give you lines, Smith.
You can't act!
Stan, don't
blame yourself.
Oh, thank you.
That's acting.
How cool is this?
He got shot
in the back of the head.
Now he's just
like a puppet.
Hope he doesn't mind
I'm doing this.
'S all right?
'S all right.
How'd the big mission go
last night?
Uh... fine.
Wa-ter?
Wa-ter?
What are you
doing, Roger?
What-what...
what am I do...
What am I doing,
Stan? Wa-ter?
Well, whatever he's doing,
it doesn't sound genuine.
I don't believe he's
really offering you water.
All right,
I can't act, okay?
You guys should have seen it.
A whole room full of agents
killed by Stan's bad acting.
God, it was terrible!
Hilarious!
Big piece for the guy who didn't
create 14 widows last night.
You're right.
You're a real
actor, I'm not.
I was jealous because I
never get the cool parts
in undercover
missions.
How did you get
to be so good?
I had a great teacher.
You should look him up,
tell him I sent you.
"Irwin Beyer, Junior,
acting coach."
This-this is
you, isn't it?
I'm-I'm gonna get down
there, and it's gonna be you.
It's a strong possibility.
And I asked him,
"Mr. Antonioni,
how do you
direct your actors?"
And he said, "I don't.
"After each take,
I simply ask them,
'How did that feel?'"
Ah...
Oh...
Oh...
Some know.
Some... know.
Now, I'm afraid
I have some bad news.
I've got a callback next week
for the new play, Piñata Man,
and since I'm going to get it,
that means no class for a while.
No!
No!
No!
Log that emotion,
save it for a rape scene.
Okay, we still have this week.
Let's get to work.
Peter and Bess, you'll be
doing a scene from Hamlet.
Jamie and Darryl,
you'll do Our Town.
And Stan and Stacey, I'm
giving you one of the most
riveting scenes
ever put to paper:
WarGames,
act two, scene 19.
David and Jennifer,
Broderick and Sheedy
are trying to flee
Goose Island
to prevent global
thermonuclear war.
But David's about to face
his own personal war.
Tic, tac, go.
Maybe we can
swim for it.
No. No, I can't swim.
You can't swim?
No, I can't.
Okay, Wonder Woman?
I can't swim.
I always thought there was
going to be plenty of time.
I wish I didn't know
about any of this,
and tomorrow
it would just be over.
Oh, God, I really wanted
to learn how to swim.
Somebody remind me
to cancel my Ambien
prescription.
Okay, Stan, we're going
to run this scene
all week until you
make it perfect.
The rest of you will get
no attention from me,
but there's no refunds,
so... your move.
That's the one.
Those are the pajamas we should
wear for our last sleepover.
I don't know.
The striped ones
are better for hiding
unwanted pillow
fight boners.
No, no kimonos.
I'm sorry, we need to get
on the same page here.
Can we think about it?
You can.
I can't guarantee
that the pajamas
will be here
when you return.
Just this morning,
there were four other boys
looking at these
same very jammies.
They
smacked of rich.
Come on, this
guy's full of it.
Yo, Deutschland,
ring those jammy-jams up,
'cause we like 'em
baggy and saggy.
You tell 'em,
Lil' Turtle.
And you better hurry up,
'cause Lil' Vince
is throwing a sleepover,
and Bindi Irwin is coming.
Bam!
Yeah! Oh, yeah!
Oh, yeah...
I really wanted
to learn how to swim.
That was a fake fart,
because I couldn't summon up
a real one to express
my disgust with your acting.
Oh!
I give up!
I'll never learn how to act.
Stan, you need to make
a personal connection
with the character--
and you have one.
Just like David doesn't know
how to swim,
you don't know how to act.
Stacey, I want to try
something with Stan.
Go get me
a butterscotch.
A butterscotch what?
Stan, we're going
to do this again,
but this time,
I want you to exchange
the word "swim" with
the word "act."
Maybe we can swim for it.
No, no. I...
can't act.
You can't act?
No, I can't.
Okay, Wonder Woman?
I can't act.
I always thought there was
going to be plenty of time.
I wish I didn't know
about any of this,
and tomorrow it
would just be over.
Oh, God... I really wanted
to learn how to act.
Oh, Stan! You can act.
Oh, you've made such progress--
such confusing progress!
Okay, let's
finish the scene.
Wait, we can't finish
the scene-- they kiss.
So?
I'm not going to kiss you!
You're... you!
You can't be a great
actor unless you commit.
Forget it,
I'm not kissing you!
I wasn't sure, so I got
butterscotch pudding,
butterscotch candy
and butterscotch morsels.
Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.
Pudding man!
Who knows why
that didn't work?
Okay, so we're all agreed.
We're going to go
with the pepperoni.
Oh, I don't know.
Pepperoni doesn't seem
like a last sleepover pizza.
You know, because
pepperoni starts out
as one stick and then
you have cut it all up.
I fear it sends a message
of separation more than unity.
You're killing me!
Don't bite my head off!
Yeah, don't bite
his head off!
Shut up, Barry!
You're just going to eat
all the pizza anyway.
Hey, don't lob factual
statements at me
as if they're insults!
Can we all just calm
down and pick a pizza?
You mean
can you pick a pizza?!
You're the one pushing
for a sleepover,
even though we all know
we're too old for this crap!
Learn English!
Learn... English!
Stop!
All of you just stop!
You know what?
I don't think we've
outgrown sleepovers.
I think we've
outgrown each other.
The all is lost moment!
Atención!
I have the cast list.
Now, when they announce me
as the lead,
I want you to pop this bottle
of champagne and pound it
so you work up the courage
to go buy me cocaine.
Ha!
I'm going to want to celebrate.
Let's start with
the male lead.
A real sparkling talent.
For the role
of Piñata Man...
Stan Smith!
What?
I'd like to thank
Mr. Rivera-Perez
for giving me
a last-minute audition.
I'd also like to thank my acting
teacher who unknowingly
trained me to steal this part
right out from under him,
making me the better actor
and, once again, the big dog.
The all is lost moment!
You don't know what it's like
to taste the pico de gallo
of a man's heart.
I know too well, hombre.
Our chips inside us
are the same, no?
Lo mismo. Salty.
Salty with tears.
Would the señor
and señorita
like hear about
the nacho especiale?
Cut! You don't
have any lines.
Stop improvising!
I need to be heard.
I have 20 people
coming to see me.
I'm crushing hard
on one of them.
Do you know what that's
like, Mr. Rivera-Perez?
You're a gay,
amateur director.
You must've crushed hard
on someone along the way.
Daniel? Maybe, maybe there
was a Daniel in your life?
Yep... don't need anyone else
to have a good time.
Just, uh, going to
entertain myself.
Oh, hey, ho-- hey!
Hi! Wh-What are
you doing here?
We got an e-mail that
the sleepover was back on.
I didn't send any e-mail.
I did.
Ronnie?
That's right.
The forgotten fifth member
of the sleepover gang.
But you moved to Scottsdale
years ago. How did you...?
Let's just say someone sent me
an e-mail about what went down.
I understand you guys
got in a big fight.
Look, you aren't mad
at each other.
You're mad at growing up.
And I'm mad, too.
But we gotta get over it.
Tonight, we gotta...
sleepover it.
But first, I suggest
you all turn around
so you can see
Steve's mom undressing
through that window.
Mmm, look at them
tig ol' bitties.
♪
♪
Atención,
I have terrible news.
Jacinda and her understudy
were both injured
in a freak accident.
How are we going to do the show
without a leading lady?
Luckily, I met an ingénue today
who knows the play by heart.
Everyone meet
Cleshawn Montegue.
♪ Diamonds, diamonds,
friends and men ♪
♪ Diamonds! ♪
I can't believe you
sabotaged those girls.
Really?
Seems like something
I would totally do.
Get ready, Stan.
I'm going to to act circles
around you out there.
We'll see.
May the best actor win.
This is Sparta!
This is Sparta!
This is Sparta!
This is Sparta.
Stop it, Jimmy.
You don't know
what we're doing.
♪
♪
Are you the Piñata Man?
Sí.
He waits so long between words.
Because he's good.
Whoa!
Why did I give
my heart to a man
who breaks
everything he makes?
Everything you make breaks!
Everything I make breaks!
You break and you break
and you break and you break!
♪ 'Cause I be
breakin' and makin' ♪
♪ And takin' your heart. ♪
♪ You been shakin'
and fakin' ♪
♪ And snakin'
from the start. ♪
♪ Earthquake, bake cake ♪
♪ Flank steak, Ricki Lake. ♪
What you ladies want?!
Ricki Lake!
Fellas?!
Flank steak!
Ricki Lake!
Flank steak!
Ricki Lake!
Flank steak!
Out!
Listen to that!
They adore my acting.
Not for long,
because next is
a love scene.
You won't be
able to kiss me.
The play will go o off the
rails, and once and for all,
it will be clear that
I'm the better actor.
You... y-you don't
know what it's like
to taste the pico de gallo
of a man's heart.
I know too well, hombre.
Our chips inside us
are the same, no?
Lo mismo. Salty.
Salty with tears.
Hmph!
You call that acting?
This is acting!
That's nothing!
Oh, good Lord.
I'm acting the
crap out of you.
Public indecency?!
We weren't really doing it!
We were just acting!
You know why they thought
we were having sex?
Because our acting
was that damn good.
No, because your acting
was that damn good.
No, you. You were a very
generous scene partner.
Hey, I was just feeding
off your amazing energy.
I, I don't get it.
They're friends again?
Told ya.
They just needed
to .
That night, we had the best
sleepover of our lives.
Maybe because we knew
it was our last.
In the morning, our childhood
would evaporate like a dream,
and we'd head
into the dawn of adulthood.
We never figured out which one
of us e-mailed Ronnie.
In fact, to this day,
I'm pretty sure he was just
some black dude
who overheard us
planning our sleepover
in the pizza parlor,
but he sure was awesome.
Oh, my God.
Look at Ronnie!
You're doing it, Ronnie!
You're doing it.
♪ American Dad 6x11 ♪
A Piñata Named Desire
Original Air Date on February 13, 2011
Listen, Rose,
you're gonna go on
and make lots of babies,
and you're gonna
watch them grow.
Promise me you'll survive.
Never... let go.
Very nice audition.
Thank you.
Thank you, Mr. Rivera-Perez,
for writing a play
as brave as Piñata Man.
A lowly piñata maker
who pretends to be as empty
as the toys he makes.
Oh!
Thank you.
Thank you.
Who's next?
You have my headshot, correct?
Uh...
yes.
Excellent.
Forgot to strike my prop.
Then Duper said
we were out of paper clips,
so I went to the supply closet,
and guess what your old dad
found behind the Post-it?
Had my big
audition, and...
...killed it!
Good for you!
That's great!
Hey, I was in the middle
of a story!
You found the paper clips.
Terrible story.
Anyway, the director
liked me so much,
I got a callback for the lead.
It's the role of lifetime.
Much bigger
than my voiceover work
on Pac-Man, the Animated Series.
I eat ghosts like you
for breakfast!
What do you think
you're doing?
That's the
big piece.
Yeah. So?
The big piece goes to
the big dog, AKA me.
And what makes you
the big dog?
Um, everything.
I'm smarter than you,
I'm stronger than you,
I can wet-nurse better than you.
Easy, girls.
Sorry, Stan.
Anything you can can do,
I can do better.
I can do anything
better than you.
No, you can't!
Yes, I can!
No, you can't.
Yes, I can.
♪ Yes, I can! ♪
♪ No, you can't! ♪
♪ Yes, I can! ♪
♪ No, you can't! ♪
Enough!
Can't we have one
meal without you two
getting into an angry
singing contest?!
Why is everything
a competition?
Yeah, you guys should just
and get it over with.
Clearly, they have repressed
sexual feelings for each other
that they're channeling
into hostility.
How's that Psych 101 class
going?
It's only day three,
but I understand
how the whole world works now.
Roger, while you act in your
little community theater plays,
do you know where I am?
Jerkin' it?
I'm on undercover
CIA missions
acting for an audience
of ruthless thugs,
terrorists
and assassins.
And if I'm unconvincing
or forget a line,
I don't get a bad review.
I get a bullet to the head.
Life-and-death stakes.
That's real acting.
Your a bad ass, Dad.
You guys don't really do
that James Bond stuff.
And you, that's enough from you
for the night!
It's bedtime.
Go to your room.
Get back here.
Give me a kiss.
You're a good boy.
You just frustrate me.
So, what's on the agenda
for tonight's sleepover?
Well, after pizza, we'll
retire to my tree house,
watch an '80s crap fest, say
Critters or Critters II,
and cap it off with a
foray into demon worship,
courtesy of the
Ouija board.
No! Last time
I summoned a demon,
and now he won't
leave me alone.
Delicious!
Oh, wait, wait.
You dorks still have
slumber parties?
Look, they're not
slumber parties.
I mean, trust me,
when the four of us
get together in a bedroom,
there's not much
slumbering going on.
Have you ever seen the
word piñata, Miss Lopez?
It has that squiggly
line over the "ñ"
that looks like
an eyebrow.
Or a stain
upon the soul.
Oh, rehearsing for your
little play audition?
Well, I have a big
undercover mission tonight
where I'll be doing
some real acting.
No, he doesn't.
He's so lying.
You know, Stanislavski says
that acting is the grandest lie.
Oh!
You guys ready?
My mom's picking us up
in front any minute.
Yeah, uh,
I just remembered.
I got to go get
my circumcision touched up.
And... Toshi and I have to
get to a taping of Benson.
Wait. You're all bailing
on the sleepover
because people
made fun of us.
Maybe we are too old
for sleepovers.
We're not kids
anymore.
There's a person
inside Big Bird!
But the best moments
of our lives have been
at sleepovers,
remember?
♪
♪
I know we got
to grow up sometime,
but damn it,
not today.
I say we plan
one last sleepover.
Two weeks
from today.
The sleepover
to end all sleepovers.
Who's with me?
We all...
had a black friend!
Hurry up, people!
The Indonesian drug cartel
will be here any minute.
It's almost show time.
Smith, you need to get
into wardrobe and makeup.
He really is an actor.
Sir, they're pulling up.
Places, everyone.
♪
♪
Good evening,
gentlemen.
Right this way.
That's your cue!
Magic time.
Water?
What did you say?
Water?
You're offering me water,
but somehow I'm not buying
that you are really
offering me water.
It's a setup!
What the hell
were you thinking?!
Improvising a line?!
There's a reason
I never give you lines, Smith.
You can't act!
Stan, don't
blame yourself.
Oh, thank you.
That's acting.
How cool is this?
He got shot
in the back of the head.
Now he's just
like a puppet.
Hope he doesn't mind
I'm doing this.
'S all right?
'S all right.
How'd the big mission go
last night?
Uh... fine.
Wa-ter?
Wa-ter?
What are you
doing, Roger?
What-what...
what am I do...
What am I doing,
Stan? Wa-ter?
Well, whatever he's doing,
it doesn't sound genuine.
I don't believe he's
really offering you water.
All right,
I can't act, okay?
You guys should have seen it.
A whole room full of agents
killed by Stan's bad acting.
God, it was terrible!
Hilarious!
Big piece for the guy who didn't
create 14 widows last night.
You're right.
You're a real
actor, I'm not.
I was jealous because I
never get the cool parts
in undercover
missions.
How did you get
to be so good?
I had a great teacher.
You should look him up,
tell him I sent you.
"Irwin Beyer, Junior,
acting coach."
This-this is
you, isn't it?
I'm-I'm gonna get down
there, and it's gonna be you.
It's a strong possibility.
And I asked him,
"Mr. Antonioni,
how do you
direct your actors?"
And he said, "I don't.
"After each take,
I simply ask them,
'How did that feel?'"
Ah...
Oh...
Oh...
Some know.
Some... know.
Now, I'm afraid
I have some bad news.
I've got a callback next week
for the new play, Piñata Man,
and since I'm going to get it,
that means no class for a while.
No!
No!
No!
Log that emotion,
save it for a rape scene.
Okay, we still have this week.
Let's get to work.
Peter and Bess, you'll be
doing a scene from Hamlet.
Jamie and Darryl,
you'll do Our Town.
And Stan and Stacey, I'm
giving you one of the most
riveting scenes
ever put to paper:
WarGames,
act two, scene 19.
David and Jennifer,
Broderick and Sheedy
are trying to flee
Goose Island
to prevent global
thermonuclear war.
But David's about to face
his own personal war.
Tic, tac, go.
Maybe we can
swim for it.
No. No, I can't swim.
You can't swim?
No, I can't.
Okay, Wonder Woman?
I can't swim.
I always thought there was
going to be plenty of time.
I wish I didn't know
about any of this,
and tomorrow
it would just be over.
Oh, God, I really wanted
to learn how to swim.
Somebody remind me
to cancel my Ambien
prescription.
Okay, Stan, we're going
to run this scene
all week until you
make it perfect.
The rest of you will get
no attention from me,
but there's no refunds,
so... your move.
That's the one.
Those are the pajamas we should
wear for our last sleepover.
I don't know.
The striped ones
are better for hiding
unwanted pillow
fight boners.
No, no kimonos.
I'm sorry, we need to get
on the same page here.
Can we think about it?
You can.
I can't guarantee
that the pajamas
will be here
when you return.
Just this morning,
there were four other boys
looking at these
same very jammies.
They
smacked of rich.
Come on, this
guy's full of it.
Yo, Deutschland,
ring those jammy-jams up,
'cause we like 'em
baggy and saggy.
You tell 'em,
Lil' Turtle.
And you better hurry up,
'cause Lil' Vince
is throwing a sleepover,
and Bindi Irwin is coming.
Bam!
Yeah! Oh, yeah!
Oh, yeah...
I really wanted
to learn how to swim.
That was a fake fart,
because I couldn't summon up
a real one to express
my disgust with your acting.
Oh!
I give up!
I'll never learn how to act.
Stan, you need to make
a personal connection
with the character--
and you have one.
Just like David doesn't know
how to swim,
you don't know how to act.
Stacey, I want to try
something with Stan.
Go get me
a butterscotch.
A butterscotch what?
Stan, we're going
to do this again,
but this time,
I want you to exchange
the word "swim" with
the word "act."
Maybe we can swim for it.
No, no. I...
can't act.
You can't act?
No, I can't.
Okay, Wonder Woman?
I can't act.
I always thought there was
going to be plenty of time.
I wish I didn't know
about any of this,
and tomorrow it
would just be over.
Oh, God... I really wanted
to learn how to act.
Oh, Stan! You can act.
Oh, you've made such progress--
such confusing progress!
Okay, let's
finish the scene.
Wait, we can't finish
the scene-- they kiss.
So?
I'm not going to kiss you!
You're... you!
You can't be a great
actor unless you commit.
Forget it,
I'm not kissing you!
I wasn't sure, so I got
butterscotch pudding,
butterscotch candy
and butterscotch morsels.
Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.
Pudding man!
Who knows why
that didn't work?
Okay, so we're all agreed.
We're going to go
with the pepperoni.
Oh, I don't know.
Pepperoni doesn't seem
like a last sleepover pizza.
You know, because
pepperoni starts out
as one stick and then
you have cut it all up.
I fear it sends a message
of separation more than unity.
You're killing me!
Don't bite my head off!
Yeah, don't bite
his head off!
Shut up, Barry!
You're just going to eat
all the pizza anyway.
Hey, don't lob factual
statements at me
as if they're insults!
Can we all just calm
down and pick a pizza?
You mean
can you pick a pizza?!
You're the one pushing
for a sleepover,
even though we all know
we're too old for this crap!
Learn English!
Learn... English!
Stop!
All of you just stop!
You know what?
I don't think we've
outgrown sleepovers.
I think we've
outgrown each other.
The all is lost moment!
Atención!
I have the cast list.
Now, when they announce me
as the lead,
I want you to pop this bottle
of champagne and pound it
so you work up the courage
to go buy me cocaine.
Ha!
I'm going to want to celebrate.
Let's start with
the male lead.
A real sparkling talent.
For the role
of Piñata Man...
Stan Smith!
What?
I'd like to thank
Mr. Rivera-Perez
for giving me
a last-minute audition.
I'd also like to thank my acting
teacher who unknowingly
trained me to steal this part
right out from under him,
making me the better actor
and, once again, the big dog.
The all is lost moment!
You don't know what it's like
to taste the pico de gallo
of a man's heart.
I know too well, hombre.
Our chips inside us
are the same, no?
Lo mismo. Salty.
Salty with tears.
Would the señor
and señorita
like hear about
the nacho especiale?
Cut! You don't
have any lines.
Stop improvising!
I need to be heard.
I have 20 people
coming to see me.
I'm crushing hard
on one of them.
Do you know what that's
like, Mr. Rivera-Perez?
You're a gay,
amateur director.
You must've crushed hard
on someone along the way.
Daniel? Maybe, maybe there
was a Daniel in your life?
Yep... don't need anyone else
to have a good time.
Just, uh, going to
entertain myself.
Oh, hey, ho-- hey!
Hi! Wh-What are
you doing here?
We got an e-mail that
the sleepover was back on.
I didn't send any e-mail.
I did.
Ronnie?
That's right.
The forgotten fifth member
of the sleepover gang.
But you moved to Scottsdale
years ago. How did you...?
Let's just say someone sent me
an e-mail about what went down.
I understand you guys
got in a big fight.
Look, you aren't mad
at each other.
You're mad at growing up.
And I'm mad, too.
But we gotta get over it.
Tonight, we gotta...
sleepover it.
But first, I suggest
you all turn around
so you can see
Steve's mom undressing
through that window.
Mmm, look at them
tig ol' bitties.
♪
♪
Atención,
I have terrible news.
Jacinda and her understudy
were both injured
in a freak accident.
How are we going to do the show
without a leading lady?
Luckily, I met an ingénue today
who knows the play by heart.
Everyone meet
Cleshawn Montegue.
♪ Diamonds, diamonds,
friends and men ♪
♪ Diamonds! ♪
I can't believe you
sabotaged those girls.
Really?
Seems like something
I would totally do.
Get ready, Stan.
I'm going to to act circles
around you out there.
We'll see.
May the best actor win.
This is Sparta!
This is Sparta!
This is Sparta!
This is Sparta.
Stop it, Jimmy.
You don't know
what we're doing.
♪
♪
Are you the Piñata Man?
Sí.
He waits so long between words.
Because he's good.
Whoa!
Why did I give
my heart to a man
who breaks
everything he makes?
Everything you make breaks!
Everything I make breaks!
You break and you break
and you break and you break!
♪ 'Cause I be
breakin' and makin' ♪
♪ And takin' your heart. ♪
♪ You been shakin'
and fakin' ♪
♪ And snakin'
from the start. ♪
♪ Earthquake, bake cake ♪
♪ Flank steak, Ricki Lake. ♪
What you ladies want?!
Ricki Lake!
Fellas?!
Flank steak!
Ricki Lake!
Flank steak!
Ricki Lake!
Flank steak!
Out!
Listen to that!
They adore my acting.
Not for long,
because next is
a love scene.
You won't be
able to kiss me.
The play will go o off the
rails, and once and for all,
it will be clear that
I'm the better actor.
You... y-you don't
know what it's like
to taste the pico de gallo
of a man's heart.
I know too well, hombre.
Our chips inside us
are the same, no?
Lo mismo. Salty.
Salty with tears.
Hmph!
You call that acting?
This is acting!
That's nothing!
Oh, good Lord.
I'm acting the
crap out of you.
Public indecency?!
We weren't really doing it!
We were just acting!
You know why they thought
we were having sex?
Because our acting
was that damn good.
No, because your acting
was that damn good.
No, you. You were a very
generous scene partner.
Hey, I was just feeding
off your amazing energy.
I, I don't get it.
They're friends again?
Told ya.
They just needed
to .
That night, we had the best
sleepover of our lives.
Maybe because we knew
it was our last.
In the morning, our childhood
would evaporate like a dream,
and we'd head
into the dawn of adulthood.
We never figured out which one
of us e-mailed Ronnie.
In fact, to this day,
I'm pretty sure he was just
some black dude
who overheard us
planning our sleepover
in the pizza parlor,
but he sure was awesome.
Oh, my God.
Look at Ronnie!
You're doing it, Ronnie!
You're doing it.