American Dad! (2005–…): Season 5, Episode 4 - Brains, Brains and Automobiles - full transcript

(upbeat March plays)

* good morning, usa! *

* I got a feeling that it's
gonna be a wonderful day *

* the sun in the sky
has a smile on his face *

* and he's shining a salute
to the american race *

* oh, boy, it's swell to say *

* good morning, usa *

Captioning sponsored by
20th century fox television

And toyota. Moving forward.

Nice! The mobile lab's
back from the garage.

I see they didn't put on



The semi-erotic
mudflaps I suggested.

Can we get on with this?

Yes, of course.

Now, once you're in the brain
of bin laden's cat,

Code name buffy,
you're to find out

If she's overheard
any terrorist intel,

Then ask her why she tries
to scratch me when I pet her.

Does she hate me?

I do everything for her.

You know, ray,
this is highly experimental.

There's no guarantee
you'll come out alive.

What do I care?

My kids are out of the
house. My wife left me.

Very good. Just sign right here.



Ray, you had a wife?

I always thought...

I don't know what I thought.

I never think about you.

Anyway, director bullock, I
have to take off early today.

My kids are leaving
for the summer.

Uh-oh.
This is how it starts.

Ruth and I were happily married
for 25 years,

But when the kids
left for college,

We sat down to dinner
one night and boom!

She realized
how boring I was.

I'm not worried
about that.

Francine will
never leave me.

Oh, yeah?

Without your kids,
you got no buffer.

And you're
more boring than I am!

It's true. No one wants
to eat lunch with you.

Well, even if I am boring,

Francine will never find out.

I've got an ace in the hole.

All right, ray,

You're going
into the cat's mind

In three, two...

(zapping)

He's safely in.

Good.

(blows raspberry)

Anybody else care for a go?

It's super fun.

Have fun at camp, honey.

If anyone needs me,
I'll be living in a tree,

Protesting logging.

No one needs you.

I can't believe my babies are
leaving for the whole summer.

(smooching)

Hit it, hit, it, hit it!

(tires squealing)

And don't write.
Whoo-hoo-hoo!

For the first time
in 18 years,

We have the whole house
to ourselves!

Just you and me getting to know
each other all over again.

That sounds great, francine.

But I think you're
forgetting about...

(explosion booming)

...The madman we hide
in the attic.

He requires
our constant attention.

Sorry, honey.
No alone time for us.

Phew. I had to
get out of there.

It really smelled.

I threw up in the shower, and
it didn't go down the drain,

And now the tub's overflowing,
and I want some iced tea,

And I know you
know I want it now!

Come on, come on.
Come on, come on, come on.

(groans)
damn it!

Hey, f-bombs.

Roger, I see you're busy,
but I was thinking it's time

I teach you how to do
some stuff on your own.

The laundry, cleaning,
making your own iced tea...

(plays pitch pipe)

(sings in tune):
* no. *

We can make a game of it.

I'm going to be
colton lansington,

A renegade space cop
who struggles

To keep his
bipolar disorder in check.

Okay, colton.

You just had a busy space day

And now you'd like to cool down

With some intergalactic
iced tea.

Now, you take two
scoops of powder...

Colton doesn't
take orders from nobody!

I'm off my meds!

Well, lookie, lookie.

Seems we've got ourselves a
cabin of bunk-boobs next door.

I'm gonna freshen up, then
make with the introducies.

You're just gonna walk
right up to those girls?

Snotters, this is camp.

We left our reputations
as nerds back home.

It's a chance
to reinvent ourselves.

(in deeper voice):
Hey there. Name's joss.

I'm a tennis player from vegas.

But most people know me
for my niçoise salad.

(in deep voice):
I'm leo.

I like making love
with the lights on.

Boy:
Geeks!

Get 'em!

Aye! Aye! Aye! Aye! Yah!

You know how
you're always making a mess

And I have to clean it up?

Well, this invention... Roger?

Checkin' out my pow-pow.

Continue.

What up, dink?

Cleaning up
after roger again?

Did he have another
ticker-tape parade

Because the deli finally
named a sandwich after him?

Actually, stan, I'm teaching
roger to be self-sufficient,

So we can finally
have our alone time.

Great.

Now, there are
three settings.

(booming)
(booming)

Roger on a hard roll!

I got problems, fish.

Francine wants to
spend the summer alone,

Just the two of us.

Yeah!
You are going to be sexing!

No, you don't get it.

Francine and I haven't been
alone together in 18 years.

What if she thinks I'm
boring and leaves me?

I knew the kids couldn't
be my buffer forever,

But roger was my
ace in the hole.

If he learns how to
take care of himself,

It'll just be me and francine.

That's why you're stressed?

(laughing)

Stan, it's roger.
He can't do anything on his own.

You'll never have to worry
about being alone with francine.

(laughing)

(both laughing)

You're right.
What am I thinking?

Roger's an idiot.

He can't take care of himself.

He's like a baby.
Or africa!

(both laughing)

That was good.
That was good.

I don't believe it.

We're here two minutes and
already we're branded as nerds.

I can't even wear
my new sandals now!

No one's gonna buy it!

Oh, face it, steve.

No matter where we go,
we're just gonna be...

Losers.

But how'd they
figure it out so fast?

What do these guys got
that we don't?

Oh, my god, that's it.

Boxer shorts!

Fellas, if we want to be cool,

We've got to shed
these whities of tight,

And get ourselves some of those.

Stan, I have a surprise for you!

You know how I've
been training roger

To be more self-sufficient?

Well, guess what he
did this afternoon?

He moved out!

We're finally alone.

No kids, no alien,
just you and me.

Oh, and more good news!

The cable's out and I
just got my period,

So there's nothing to do
but talk and talk and talk.

(whistling)
roger?

(whistling)
come here, boy!

Stan, he's not here.
He got his own place.

Now, let's
go inside and talk.

We can't! We have
to go visit roger.

I got him a
housewarming gift.

This is not from
the both of us.

Stan! Francine!

Buenas noches.
Welcome to mi casa.

Oh, you're
learning spanish?

You got to
in this neighborhood,

If you wanna read
the mcdonald's billboards.

This is for you.

All right.

Well, why don't I
give you the tour?

This room is the kitchen slash
bedroom slash living room

Slash dance studio.

(groaning)

My hammies.

It's wonderful, roger.

How are you paying for this?

I got a job at
colonial pet store.

You? Working?

Francine, pour
yourself a drink.

Stan and I need to talk.

I heard what you said.

That I couldn't do
anything on my own.

Well, look around, jerk.
It's all mine.

And I'll have you know that
I've only called 911 once today,

Because some cholos broke in.

They stole my swimming jeans.

Roger, look, I'm sorry
you heard what I said.

Please, just move back home.

You miss me, huh?

Miss my dana carvey
impersonations?

Well, it's too late, stan.

I'm self-sufficient now.

Get used to it.

I don't want my rug
to smell like smoke.

I'm so proud
of you, roger.

Yeah, you know, they say
if a domestic pig escapes

Into the wild, it will
instinctively grow tusks.

Who says that?

Your mother.

Stan, let's go home.

Roger has a lot of
unpacking to do.

No! I mean, uh, I'm sure roger
wants us to stay for dinner.

That is, unless he's incapable
of making a meal.

(laughing)

Oh, stan.

I've got a freezer full
of shu mai from trader joes.

And for dessert,
a huge-ass box of chocodiles.

I hid them in the fridge
for when the cholos come back.

And they will be back.

I gave the biggest one a key.

Wow. We're finally
alone together.

Tell me something
fascinating about you.

Uh...

My god, I never realized
how boring you are.

I'm leaving you.

You're going to die alone.

(screaming)

(screaming)

What's happening?

You fell asleep at roger's

After you asked him to
count to a million.

We couldn't wake you up,
so I carried you to the car.

Ugh, I ate two boxes of shu mai.

I got the pork sweats.

All right.
I'll be up in a minute.

(burps)

I'm gross.

We were wrong, fish!

Roger's moved out and he's
completely independent.

What am I gonna do?

Ask him to come back.

Yeah...

I'll force him back.

I'll poison roger
and he'll be too sick

To take care of himself.

Then he'll have
to come crawling home.

What?!

All I have to do
is keep him

Weak and needy
until the kids come back.

You monster.
I'll tell on you!

What am I doing?

No!

Roger, what are
you doing here?

Stan invited me for dinner.

He misses me.

Oh, I brought you this.
Tag. You're it.

Stan, you miss roger.
That's so sweet.

You and I can have
alone time tomorrow.

(laughing)

Yes.

To roger's independence.
(clinking)

Oh, I feel awful.

Roger, you should
sleep here tonight.

You're too sick to go home.

But I have to study
my adult dog food manual.

(moaning)

Now, we just go in and tell them
we want men's boxer shorts.

I see you gents are interested
in buying some underwear.

We want to get some boxer
shorts like the cool kids have.

Sure, you can
be followers.

Try and play catch up
to the trends...

Or you could set them.

Name's mr. Clyde timpleton.

Can I buy you boys some lunch?

(deep voice):
I never turn down lunch.

Or a big-ass bitch.

You guys really want
to spin heads

At that camp of yours,
you wear these...

Culottes.

Culottes?
I don't know.

These will make you
superstars.

The cool kids will carry you
through the streets.

Women will go hysterical.

Ooh, the stitching
is wonderful.

You, sir,
have made a sale!

Good, good.

Here. These are thank-you notes
from your nads.

Ray, I read your report
from your time spent

Inside buffy's brain.

Very comprehensive,
well done.

Buffy, I understand
you think I smell "weird,"

But I believe it was
my body wash,

Which I've changed,
so now you should love me.

Now where will you sleep,
you ice queen?!

You think
you're better than me?!

You're not better than me!

You're going to learn
a hard, hard lesson.

(phone rings)

Hello?

How about we go out
to fondue tonight?

You and me
and a nice dinner

Rolling right into cramps
and diarrhea?

What about roger?

He's feeling better.

He's even working
his afternoon shift,

So we're free.

So, ray, uh, how
is it being single?

Eh, not so bad.

Is this food appropriate
for a small dog?

Oh, ma'am, I'm not
qualified to answer that.

See, I only have one mouse
on my name tag,

Which means I do stocking,
lifting and the like.

You need to talk to someone
with at least one dog.

See, it goes one mouse,
two mouse, one bird, two bird,

Then one dog, then two dog.

I hear there's a guy
up in portland with three dogs,

But I think that's just
an office rumor.

Wouldn't it be something
if it was true, though?

Hey, roger!
What's going on?

Not much. Just boring myself
and this old broad.

What's up?

Francine told me
you went to work,

So I thought I'd bring
you a juice

To keep your
immune system up.

Mm, isn't that
nice of you...?

(groaning)
who will feed
the chinchillas?

(shivering)

You're too sick.

We're getting you
out of that apartment

And bringing
you back home.

You're freezing!

I'll get you
some blankets.

Looks like you're
here to stay, roger.

This calls for
a celebration.

Frannie, will you make me
some iced tea?

Stan?

Anybody?

No, you know what?

I can do it myself.

(humming "the can-can song")

(francine screams)

(roger blubbering)

Oh, my god, stan!

Oh, he's doing his
heath ledger impression.

Too soon, roger,
too soon.

How's he doing?

He seems to be stabilized,

But he's not coming out
of the coma.

I guess there's nothing
we can do except wait.

Just the two of us.

Oh, fyi, the cable repairman
canceled on me,

And I'm having one
of my famous ten-day periods.

I have an idea!

You're sure you know
what you're doing?

Roger's in a coma.

All I have to do is
use this device

To go into his brain,
find him in his unconscious,

And bring him over to
the conscious side.

Don't worry, francine,

We do it all the
time with cats.

All right, turn it on.

(whooshing hum)

It worked.
I'm in roger's mind.

Now to find him.

(thunder crashing)

Hello, pretty bird.

(screeching)

(screams)

Oh, stan, I hope
you don't get lost in there.

What if you die? (gasps)

I left my soda in the freezer.

Francine! Let's do some shots!

Klaus?!
What are you doing in here?

Stan put me in here
two days ago.

The only reason
I didn't freeze to death is

I filled my bowl with
that bottle of vodka.

Why'd he put you
in the freezer?

Oh, I'll tell you why.
He... (vomits)

Hey, chocodile,
watch where you're going.

Oh, hell no. (roars)

(grunting)

(glass clanks)

(air hisses)

Buh-bye.

(sighs)

Francine:
You bastard!

(gasps) francine?!

Francine,
what are you...?

Klaus told me you've
been poisoning roger

Just because you don't want to
spend time alone with me!

Um...

Forget it, stan!
I'm gonna get roger out,

And then when we get home,

You can have
all the alone time you want

Because I'm not gonna
be there!

Francine, wait!

It's dangerous in here.

Francine!

Francine!

(anguished groaning)

Who are you?

(high-pitched, weak voice):
Roger's conscience.

Oh, my god,
you're dying of neglect!

Kill... Me!

(groaning)

Tom skerritt?!

(weakly):
Get me work.

Oh, my, is it time
to change already?

Yep, time to peel outta
these old dungarees.

Steve:
You boys ready

For that swim test
today, or what?

(boys yelling)

Look at us, fellas!
The underwear works!

Just like clyde
said it would!

Put 'em in
the girls' cabin!

They're so impressed,

They're bringing us
straight to their women!

(screams)

(all scream)

If only we
could thank

That magical mystery
underwear salesman.

Oh, I don't think we've seen
the last of him.

(train whistle blows)

(gasps) it's breathtaking.

(birds chirping)

The cherry blossoms,
the rolling hills,

The three urkels grazing
in the meadow.

(sign buzzing)

Francine!

No, no, I'll
never tell anyone.

Your reputation is
safe with me.

Hey, fellas, I nailed her!

It was so easy!

(creature bellows, sobs)

I am vicki: Voice
input child identicant.

What are tears?

Next!

(horn blares)

Learn how to drive,
you bitch!

Relax, mc raw g.
Let it go.

Are you kidding?
Nobody cuts off
biggie smalls!

(tires screeching)

Hey, jackass, you want
some of this?!

(gun hammer cocks)

(gunshots)

(tires squeal away)

He said he made this for me.

Stan:
No, you don't get it.

Francine and I haven't been
alone together in 18 years.

What if she thinks I'm boring
and leaves me?

Is that true?

Is that why you were afraid
to be alone with me?

Because you thought
I'd be bored with you?

(sheepishly):
Well, yeah.

Stan, you might
not be interesting,

But you're definitely
not boring.

I mean, the kids
have only been gone
for two days,

And look at us, we're inside
an alien's brain.

So, you're not gonna
sit down to dinner

And realize
you don't wanna be
with me anymore?

No, honey.
I know who you are.

And I love you.

Both:
Mm...

Come on.
Let's go get roger.

No, francine.
He needs a prince.

(frantic moaning)

(spits)
what the hell are you doing?!

Me? You're the one
making a move.

I was just napping
on this pedestal

In the perfect light in
my most prettiest dress.

Roger, you're in a coma.

We're in your brain
to help you wake up
and bring you home.

Home?

You mean... Your home?

That's right.

Oh, thank god!
I hated my apartment.

I don't know if you noticed,
but it didn't have a bathroom.

I won't be getting that security
deposit back.

Hey, guess who I had
lunch with today.

Tom skerritt.

Oh, that's interesting.

Oh, yeah.
I guess it is.

Buh-bye!