American Dad! (2005–…): Season 5, Episode 15 - Merlot Down Dirty Shame - full transcript
While out tasting wines, drunken Roger kisses Francine, who decides to tell Stan about the incident.
♪ Good morning, USA! ♪
♪ I got a feeling that it's
gonna be a wonderful day ♪
♪ The sun in the sky has
a smile on his face ♪
♪ And he's shining a salute
to the American race ♪
♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪
♪ Good... ♪ ♪ Good morning, USA ♪
Aah!
American Dad 5x15
Merlot Down Dirty Shame
Original Air Date on April 18, 2010
Help! We're trapped
in this elevator!
We're going to die in here!
Stan, I have you.
I will not let
anything happen to you.
Here, smell my mouth.
Garlic chicken.
Your favorite.
Thank you, Roger.
If we get out of here,
we're going to be
best friends forever.
Oh, Stan, we'll go straight
to the Jewelry Galleria
and by something to commemorate
our remarkable friendship.
High five!
Is this anything like
what you're talking about?
This is exactly what
we're talking about.
Stan, will you put mine on?
You've made me so happy.
Buddy, I need your help.
Francine will be
here in ten seconds
and I'm going to telher something
she doesn't want to hear
Play along. Finally!
No, just agree with me.
Oh. Hey, Stan.
Just reminding you-- tomorrow's
our drive up to wine country.
Tomorrow?!
Oh, boy, tomorrow's a
big work day at work.
What?! Stan, I've been planning
this wine tasting
trip for a long time.
I wanted to go, but the
security level is at orange.
It's more dangerous now.
Orange, it's more dangerous now.
I call bullarky, Stan.
You just don't want
to go wine tasting.
Well, take Roger.
Wine lover right here.
Also a heroin lover in case anyone
wants to schedule a poppy tour.
Huge heroin fan.
Don't use it,
just like being around it.
Study it. Appreciate it.
Use it sometimes.
Fine!
Good looking out, buddy. High five.
Yeah! Yeah!
The red ball. Yes!
Hey, Pinkerton,
you're giving everyone
an "A" on this dumb lab.
Sure, and I'll throw
in some suckers.
I want to lick your lolly.
Now, kiss me.
I'm not going to kiss you...
with my top on.
No! Amy!
I have so much horniness to give!
Steve, it's just a dream.
It was more than a dream, Klaus.
It was a lucid dream.
Oh-ho, it happens.
We'll just put your
sheets in the wash.
No, a "lucid" dream.
It's when you have total
control over everything.
I trained myself.
When I see a red ball, it's a sign
that I'm dreaming and I
can do whatever I want.
You must teach me.
Oh, that is such a coincidence.
Klaus, are you ready
for coincidence time?
I was just telling Toshi
how I wanted to teach
some whiny fish how
to loose a dream.
I mean, come on! Later, dumb ass.
Why?
Francine's pretty mad at
me for bailing on her.
She made me have sex
by myself last night.
Yeah, I know. We were
watching CSI together.
Well, thanks for doing this, man.
Oh, and watch your
back for horn dogs.
Lot of Sweet Petes up in the wine
country looking for an easy lay.
I'm the vagina goalie. Got it.
Let's go, Roger.
Bye, baby.
You got this handled?
Damn straight! Swing it!
Oh, yeah.
Uh, yeah, yeah, get,
get a little closer.
You bend down, come at an angle.
Yeah! Yeah!
Screw Stan.
We can have a great
time without him, right?
How could we not?
I mean, look, they've got
a wine train we can ride!
Wait-- can we ride it?
It's a small train that
goes through the vineyards
and carries passengers-- yes,
we can ride the wine train!
Choo-choo!
Don't... do that.
Roger, am I not good company?
I mean, why didn't
Stan want to come?
Oh, you know Stan.
He's a big weirdo.
Oh, before I forget.
This is my wine journal
from my last tour.
I got you one.
We can rate the wines we taste.
Check out my system.
I guess I didn't like
this particular wine
because next to the name,
I drew a butt taking a dookie.
But here, this one. This one's
a dookie and a baseball cap.
A hat means I like the wine.
What's that?
That's a dookie and
an Indian headdress.
Racist-- I was drunk by then.
Ah, the hell with Stan.
Let's get ripped. Yeah!
I got a map with all
the best spots in town.
You said raped, right?
Whoa, Frannie,
you might want to slow down.
More like you might
want to speed up.
Ha-ha! It's on, bitch!
I'm going to go-
I'm going to go hit the head,
come back and get ruined.
Like, just ruin myself
and everything around me.
Did you just drink my wine?
Prolly. I'm getting
drunk off my ass.
Very nice.
Two lubricants down this way,
por favor.
Yo, Jack, you better step away.
That's my best friend's girl.
Did you, did you already pee?
No, I didn't make it.
But this guy, this guy here--
Mr. Sweet Pete-
he thinks he's making it.
Just buying the lady a drink.
I'll buy her the drinks, thank you.
Can, can you,
can you spot me a $20?
I lost my wallet somewhere
in this thieving town!
Thank you!
Oh, my God, thank you so much.
This is-- I can't,
I can't even believe-- thank you.
Thank you. This is an honest town.
Somebody, somebody
just turned it in?
No, you found it in your jacket.
Thank you.
I'm 'bout, I'm 'bout
ready to call it a night.
You're fun! That's who you are.
Mia, we need napkins over here!
So, the kitchen's
closing in five minutes,
uh, if you want anything. Anything?
Can you ask the chef if
he can whip me up a room
without so many pubic
hairs in the bathtub?
That's funny.
Yeah, that's why I said it.
She likes you.
That bowser?
She thinks I'm a Milk Bone.
Come on.
Uh-oh, Frannie,
Mia got me all worked up.
You perv!
Roger! What?
God! Why did you do that?
Oh! I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
I didn't mean,
I didn't mean-- I'm sorry.
I'm just, I'm j-- I'm drunk.
Look, I'll, I'll go to
sleep in the car now.
I'll, I'm just-
I'll go to the car, okay?
Ow!
Ew! Gross!
Somebody, somebody's drying their
bike shorts on the railing.
Make me breakfast...
What's up with Steve?
He's sleeping all the time.
He's on a lucid dream kick.
Well, not during Iconoclasts
with Katherine Helmond and Usher.
I don't know who you are.
I don't know who you are.
Hey, wake up!
Can't you do that somewhere else?
It doesn't matter where I do it.
When I go into my dreams, I'm king.
It's awesome! You should try it.
Maybe in your dreams you
could have some friends.
Shut up. I have friends.
Oh, right! I forgot about
your best friend, the fish.
Fools.
What a jerk.
We need to take him down a peg.
Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Use the secret mental telepathy we sha
re to bring down Steve?
No, I say we mess with Steve witho
ut using our powers.
God! Stick-in-the-mud bitch.
Klaus, you know I
can hear you.
Yeah, I'm pissed!
I'm insulting you.
Ah! Oh...
Roger, maybe we should
talk about last night.
Get some breakfast? Excellent! Oh!
Y'all have enough time?
I'll have two eggs,
one over easy, one over medium,
three sausage links,
a cup of cottage cheese
with a drizzle of honey,
a fruit cup--
unless it's honeydew melon,
in which case, skip it
and make it half a grapefruit.
A glass of whole milk over ice and
a side of toast, barely browned.
Closer to bread than toast-
I'm not joking--
with as many local jams
as you have in stock.
Oh, and a bloody Mary.
We don't serve alcohol.
Look, about last night...
It was nothing.
I made a stupid, drunk mistake
and it'll never happen again.
Good. We'll put it behind us
and, hopefully,
Stan will understand.
Whoa! Whoa, whoa.
I don't think we tell Stan.
He's my best friend and I,
I betrayed him.
Roger, I've got to
be up front with him.
Oh, like he was when he didn't
tell you he was an ice dancer?
'Member? It was his
"winter secret"?
Well, this'll be your fall secret.
Seasonal secrets.
I was thinking of opening
a boutique with that name.
God, to open a boutique!
Look, if I don't tell Stan
and he ever found out,
then this thing that meant nothing
would suddenly mean something.
Francine, please,
just think about it, okay?
Okay, I'll think about it.
Excuse me.
Is Smuckers produced locally?
Um... No, it's not.
He's coming. Throw it.
The red ball!
Oh, my God! This is the
most real dream yet!
Wait, can this be a dream?
Who stole the tarts?
Who stole the tarts?
Boy, did you see a short giraffe
with a mouthful of muffin?
This is awesome!
Hayley, give me lunch money.
Now, ask Snot on a date.
Hi, it's Hayley.
Will you go out with me?
Oh, my God, yes!
Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my...
Today, school is a pajama party.
I think I'll fly there.
Or, or you could force me
to be your chauffeur slave.
Yes, that seems more
appropriate for the dream king.
Run all the lights!
It's my dream. Nothing can hurt us.
But don't drive too fast.
I need about 15 for
a little Steve time.
We are getting away with this.
No talking!
Say, I was just thinking again
about the whole kiss thing.
Anyhoo, I bet you decided
not to tell Stan.
Actually, I think he should know.
Why? He blew you off.
I shouldn't even have
been on this trip.
Of course, it's no surprise.
He's just not romantic.
Big romantic surprise!
Oh, baby.
Oh, no.
I missed my girl
and my best friend.
Blow me? You bet!
Yeah! Yeah!
That bartender Mia
told me where you'd be.
She remembered you, Roger.
I think she's into you,
but she thought you were with Francine.
Funny you should say that,
because last night...
Oh! How clumsy of me.
I'm still getting used
to my artificial foot.
Don't worry about it.
I'll wash it out in the bathroom.
That lady's knockers!
Boy!
Those damn Sweet Petes!
You have any trouble
with them last night?
No, no, last night was
pretty uneventful.
Hey, you want to go?
Aren't we waiting for Francine?
Oh, she just texted me.
She ran into a friend
from camp in the bathroom.
She'll meet us at the next place.
Race you to the car!
Where are you guys going?
Please, Francine!
I'm telling him, Roger.
Stan...
I-I want to be where the action is.
Sing free-form jazz with me.
♪ ♪
Good show, Roger.
I'm going to go buy us
matching golf shirts.
What, what are you?
A large? Medium?
Boy's husky.
Stan!
Come on, Francine.
Can't you give me this one thing?
He's my best friend in the world.
My mind's made up.
He's going to take
my necklace away.
Frannie, I just need a
little time to think.
Maybe you do, too, huh?
Now, we both have a
little time to think.
Thinking's good.
Thinking's what rational people do.
I got you a woman's small.
I had a fat kid try it on.
It looked great on him, so...
Thanks, bud.
And by the way,
Francine said she was pooped,
so she went to the
spa for a mud bath.
FRANCINE Help!
You hear screaming? Screaming?
Yeah, I hear it. It's my calves.
We rented bikes yesterday.
Did 50 miles.
They are howling, bud.
Hey, Roger!
Sit up here at the bar.
Yech, don't stop.
We're actually going
to order some food.
I serve the full menu right here.
Stop it, Mia. You know
your face is gross to me.
Don't make me talk about that.
When's Francine back from the spa?
Could take weeks.
She's getting the Tom
and Jerry Cleanse.
They send a hungry field
mouse up her waa-waa,
let it go to town, then they
send a cat in after the mouse.
It's a long process.
You're funny, man.
Order me the hamburger salad.
I'm going to shower up.
How you been, Rog?
Do I know you? It's Mark.
Remember, I paid for the chocolate you
got caught stealing at the winery.
You were there with your wife.
That wasn't my wife!
That was my best buddy's wife
and I ended up kissing her.
When he finds out,
our friendship's going to be over.
Not necessarily.
Just let your buddy
kiss your girl and
then you'll be even.
Oh, yeah, that'd be great,
but I don't have a girlfriend.
Hey, beautiful.
You free tonight?
Of course you're free.
Now, go home and put on your
best Disneyland sweatshirt.
We're going out.
Don't panic. I'm just
keeping you down there
until I can fix things.
And I got you food.
Sun Fresh chips,
right? And a sandwich.
Did you get it?
Hello?
Is the sandwich stuck in the pipe?
Did you get any of the chips?
They're Sun Fresh chips.
They're healthy for you.
Healthier than regular chips.
Oh! No, they are not.
Yo, yo!
I stopped for burgers
after I choked it.
Are we going too far with this?
I sure hope so.
Steve, it's almost 1:00.
Get a load of Big Ben.
I know what time it is.
I'm going to go get
Principal Lewis.
Yo, girl. You're my lab partner.
But I'm paired up with Dennis.
Dennis is paired up
with the floor now.
Steve, you're so crazy today.
You think that's crazy,
wait till you see this!
Let's fly!
Nein! No, don't!
I don't want to look.
Does my leg look broken?
Aah, my God!
So, where do you want to go?
I thought we'd just hang
here with my buddy Stan.
He's super fun. Great kisser.
Stan, you old bastard, get in here!
This is my very serious
girlfriend Mia.
We're friends.
It's okay to kiss hello.
What's a kiss? Nothing!
Means you're friends.
Wine country! Tequila all around!
To kissing!
Come on. Group kiss!
I kiss Mia, I kiss Stan.
Everybody's kissing!
You guys kiss!
I'm just gonna use
the john real quick.
What are you doing
just sitting there?!
You're the worst date.
Go kiss him while he's pooping.
You know, give him a
San Diego thank you.
♪ Lips are for kissing,
uh, uh-uh! ♪
♪ Lips are for kissing,
uh, uh-uh... ♪
You guys like that song,
"Lips Are For Kissing"?
Kiss if you like that song.
I think I should go.
You can't leave without a kiss.
Come on. Go tongue-blast
his baloney hole!
Hey, bro, I wouldn't be
too broken up about her.
I was waiting to tell ya,
but she tried to kiss
me on the toilet.
A little kiss?
You thought I'd care?
No, we're friends, so it's okay.
Not in my book.
That makes it especially not okay.
Remember these?
Best friends forever, man.
Stan, something
happened last night.
You're not gonna like it,
but I have to tell you the truth.
Stan, I have something to tell you.
Roger already told me.
Really? Yes,
all the sordid details.
Well, it wasn't sordid.
It was just a stupid little kiss.
So you admit it! You kissed Roger!
What?! No!
He kissed me!
Lie.
I've been trying to
tell you all day.
All day? I've been waiting
all day for you to come clean!
But you went to the spa
to ease your guilty conscience.
Well, I couldn't leave my
buddy hanging any longer!
Stan, this is crazy!
He kissed me,
and then he buried me alive!
Good try. We know
you had a mud bath.
In my clothes?
Yeah, you ruined a
perfectly fine dress
your hardworking
husband bought you.
I do work hard.
He's lying, Stan!
No, I'm not.
Stan, this is a high-five truth.
This is ridiculous.
Francine, I'm sorry.
If I hid this from
Stan and he found out,
then this thing that meant nothing
would suddenly mean something.
That's what I told
you!
I'll kill you!
Leave him alone, Francine.
Roger's a true friend.
These bike shorts are dry.
Why don't they take 'em down?
Hey, Room 23, your shorts!
Who knows how many
guys she was with
who weren't my best buddy
and didn't tell me?
Yeah, yeah, probably a lot.
I've put so much
into this marriage.
God, now it looks like divorce.
Half of all marriages
end in divorce.
But it's so terrible!
First, there's the kids!
The poor kids!
It'll make them stronger.
Then the house,
we'll have to sell the house!
It's just stuff, man. Things.
Which means no more attic for you.
Beg pardon?
I mean, where will you live?!
This affects everyone!
Whoa, what's this?
Is the sidewall cracking?
Shouldn't be. I just got these.
Okay, Stan, now I can tell you:
you don't have to get
divorced and sell the attic
because I was the one
who kissed Francine.
But it didn't mean anything.
It was just a drunken slipup.
Damn it, Roger!
Get me the hell out of here!
I'm just gonna give you
some time to cool off.
I'm gonna rip your head off!
Okay, so you need more time.
Not the necklace!
Ow.
They're beautiful, Stan.
You're beautiful, baby.
You're beautiful.
I can't believe you did this to me.
Amy's family might prosecute
me for attempted murder.
You wore your underwear to school.
Wow, Hayley, you look beautiful.
What are you talking about?
I shaved.
I'm here for our date.
I sold all my toys to rent a limo.
No.
Bye. Have a beautiful time!
♪ I got a feeling that it's
gonna be a wonderful day ♪
♪ The sun in the sky has
a smile on his face ♪
♪ And he's shining a salute
to the American race ♪
♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪
♪ Good... ♪ ♪ Good morning, USA ♪
Aah!
American Dad 5x15
Merlot Down Dirty Shame
Original Air Date on April 18, 2010
Help! We're trapped
in this elevator!
We're going to die in here!
Stan, I have you.
I will not let
anything happen to you.
Here, smell my mouth.
Garlic chicken.
Your favorite.
Thank you, Roger.
If we get out of here,
we're going to be
best friends forever.
Oh, Stan, we'll go straight
to the Jewelry Galleria
and by something to commemorate
our remarkable friendship.
High five!
Is this anything like
what you're talking about?
This is exactly what
we're talking about.
Stan, will you put mine on?
You've made me so happy.
Buddy, I need your help.
Francine will be
here in ten seconds
and I'm going to telher something
she doesn't want to hear
Play along. Finally!
No, just agree with me.
Oh. Hey, Stan.
Just reminding you-- tomorrow's
our drive up to wine country.
Tomorrow?!
Oh, boy, tomorrow's a
big work day at work.
What?! Stan, I've been planning
this wine tasting
trip for a long time.
I wanted to go, but the
security level is at orange.
It's more dangerous now.
Orange, it's more dangerous now.
I call bullarky, Stan.
You just don't want
to go wine tasting.
Well, take Roger.
Wine lover right here.
Also a heroin lover in case anyone
wants to schedule a poppy tour.
Huge heroin fan.
Don't use it,
just like being around it.
Study it. Appreciate it.
Use it sometimes.
Fine!
Good looking out, buddy. High five.
Yeah! Yeah!
The red ball. Yes!
Hey, Pinkerton,
you're giving everyone
an "A" on this dumb lab.
Sure, and I'll throw
in some suckers.
I want to lick your lolly.
Now, kiss me.
I'm not going to kiss you...
with my top on.
No! Amy!
I have so much horniness to give!
Steve, it's just a dream.
It was more than a dream, Klaus.
It was a lucid dream.
Oh-ho, it happens.
We'll just put your
sheets in the wash.
No, a "lucid" dream.
It's when you have total
control over everything.
I trained myself.
When I see a red ball, it's a sign
that I'm dreaming and I
can do whatever I want.
You must teach me.
Oh, that is such a coincidence.
Klaus, are you ready
for coincidence time?
I was just telling Toshi
how I wanted to teach
some whiny fish how
to loose a dream.
I mean, come on! Later, dumb ass.
Why?
Francine's pretty mad at
me for bailing on her.
She made me have sex
by myself last night.
Yeah, I know. We were
watching CSI together.
Well, thanks for doing this, man.
Oh, and watch your
back for horn dogs.
Lot of Sweet Petes up in the wine
country looking for an easy lay.
I'm the vagina goalie. Got it.
Let's go, Roger.
Bye, baby.
You got this handled?
Damn straight! Swing it!
Oh, yeah.
Uh, yeah, yeah, get,
get a little closer.
You bend down, come at an angle.
Yeah! Yeah!
Screw Stan.
We can have a great
time without him, right?
How could we not?
I mean, look, they've got
a wine train we can ride!
Wait-- can we ride it?
It's a small train that
goes through the vineyards
and carries passengers-- yes,
we can ride the wine train!
Choo-choo!
Don't... do that.
Roger, am I not good company?
I mean, why didn't
Stan want to come?
Oh, you know Stan.
He's a big weirdo.
Oh, before I forget.
This is my wine journal
from my last tour.
I got you one.
We can rate the wines we taste.
Check out my system.
I guess I didn't like
this particular wine
because next to the name,
I drew a butt taking a dookie.
But here, this one. This one's
a dookie and a baseball cap.
A hat means I like the wine.
What's that?
That's a dookie and
an Indian headdress.
Racist-- I was drunk by then.
Ah, the hell with Stan.
Let's get ripped. Yeah!
I got a map with all
the best spots in town.
You said raped, right?
Whoa, Frannie,
you might want to slow down.
More like you might
want to speed up.
Ha-ha! It's on, bitch!
I'm going to go-
I'm going to go hit the head,
come back and get ruined.
Like, just ruin myself
and everything around me.
Did you just drink my wine?
Prolly. I'm getting
drunk off my ass.
Very nice.
Two lubricants down this way,
por favor.
Yo, Jack, you better step away.
That's my best friend's girl.
Did you, did you already pee?
No, I didn't make it.
But this guy, this guy here--
Mr. Sweet Pete-
he thinks he's making it.
Just buying the lady a drink.
I'll buy her the drinks, thank you.
Can, can you,
can you spot me a $20?
I lost my wallet somewhere
in this thieving town!
Thank you!
Oh, my God, thank you so much.
This is-- I can't,
I can't even believe-- thank you.
Thank you. This is an honest town.
Somebody, somebody
just turned it in?
No, you found it in your jacket.
Thank you.
I'm 'bout, I'm 'bout
ready to call it a night.
You're fun! That's who you are.
Mia, we need napkins over here!
So, the kitchen's
closing in five minutes,
uh, if you want anything. Anything?
Can you ask the chef if
he can whip me up a room
without so many pubic
hairs in the bathtub?
That's funny.
Yeah, that's why I said it.
She likes you.
That bowser?
She thinks I'm a Milk Bone.
Come on.
Uh-oh, Frannie,
Mia got me all worked up.
You perv!
Roger! What?
God! Why did you do that?
Oh! I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
I didn't mean,
I didn't mean-- I'm sorry.
I'm just, I'm j-- I'm drunk.
Look, I'll, I'll go to
sleep in the car now.
I'll, I'm just-
I'll go to the car, okay?
Ow!
Ew! Gross!
Somebody, somebody's drying their
bike shorts on the railing.
Make me breakfast...
What's up with Steve?
He's sleeping all the time.
He's on a lucid dream kick.
Well, not during Iconoclasts
with Katherine Helmond and Usher.
I don't know who you are.
I don't know who you are.
Hey, wake up!
Can't you do that somewhere else?
It doesn't matter where I do it.
When I go into my dreams, I'm king.
It's awesome! You should try it.
Maybe in your dreams you
could have some friends.
Shut up. I have friends.
Oh, right! I forgot about
your best friend, the fish.
Fools.
What a jerk.
We need to take him down a peg.
Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Use the secret mental telepathy we sha
re to bring down Steve?
No, I say we mess with Steve witho
ut using our powers.
God! Stick-in-the-mud bitch.
Klaus, you know I
can hear you.
Yeah, I'm pissed!
I'm insulting you.
Ah! Oh...
Roger, maybe we should
talk about last night.
Get some breakfast? Excellent! Oh!
Y'all have enough time?
I'll have two eggs,
one over easy, one over medium,
three sausage links,
a cup of cottage cheese
with a drizzle of honey,
a fruit cup--
unless it's honeydew melon,
in which case, skip it
and make it half a grapefruit.
A glass of whole milk over ice and
a side of toast, barely browned.
Closer to bread than toast-
I'm not joking--
with as many local jams
as you have in stock.
Oh, and a bloody Mary.
We don't serve alcohol.
Look, about last night...
It was nothing.
I made a stupid, drunk mistake
and it'll never happen again.
Good. We'll put it behind us
and, hopefully,
Stan will understand.
Whoa! Whoa, whoa.
I don't think we tell Stan.
He's my best friend and I,
I betrayed him.
Roger, I've got to
be up front with him.
Oh, like he was when he didn't
tell you he was an ice dancer?
'Member? It was his
"winter secret"?
Well, this'll be your fall secret.
Seasonal secrets.
I was thinking of opening
a boutique with that name.
God, to open a boutique!
Look, if I don't tell Stan
and he ever found out,
then this thing that meant nothing
would suddenly mean something.
Francine, please,
just think about it, okay?
Okay, I'll think about it.
Excuse me.
Is Smuckers produced locally?
Um... No, it's not.
He's coming. Throw it.
The red ball!
Oh, my God! This is the
most real dream yet!
Wait, can this be a dream?
Who stole the tarts?
Who stole the tarts?
Boy, did you see a short giraffe
with a mouthful of muffin?
This is awesome!
Hayley, give me lunch money.
Now, ask Snot on a date.
Hi, it's Hayley.
Will you go out with me?
Oh, my God, yes!
Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my...
Today, school is a pajama party.
I think I'll fly there.
Or, or you could force me
to be your chauffeur slave.
Yes, that seems more
appropriate for the dream king.
Run all the lights!
It's my dream. Nothing can hurt us.
But don't drive too fast.
I need about 15 for
a little Steve time.
We are getting away with this.
No talking!
Say, I was just thinking again
about the whole kiss thing.
Anyhoo, I bet you decided
not to tell Stan.
Actually, I think he should know.
Why? He blew you off.
I shouldn't even have
been on this trip.
Of course, it's no surprise.
He's just not romantic.
Big romantic surprise!
Oh, baby.
Oh, no.
I missed my girl
and my best friend.
Blow me? You bet!
Yeah! Yeah!
That bartender Mia
told me where you'd be.
She remembered you, Roger.
I think she's into you,
but she thought you were with Francine.
Funny you should say that,
because last night...
Oh! How clumsy of me.
I'm still getting used
to my artificial foot.
Don't worry about it.
I'll wash it out in the bathroom.
That lady's knockers!
Boy!
Those damn Sweet Petes!
You have any trouble
with them last night?
No, no, last night was
pretty uneventful.
Hey, you want to go?
Aren't we waiting for Francine?
Oh, she just texted me.
She ran into a friend
from camp in the bathroom.
She'll meet us at the next place.
Race you to the car!
Where are you guys going?
Please, Francine!
I'm telling him, Roger.
Stan...
I-I want to be where the action is.
Sing free-form jazz with me.
♪ ♪
Good show, Roger.
I'm going to go buy us
matching golf shirts.
What, what are you?
A large? Medium?
Boy's husky.
Stan!
Come on, Francine.
Can't you give me this one thing?
He's my best friend in the world.
My mind's made up.
He's going to take
my necklace away.
Frannie, I just need a
little time to think.
Maybe you do, too, huh?
Now, we both have a
little time to think.
Thinking's good.
Thinking's what rational people do.
I got you a woman's small.
I had a fat kid try it on.
It looked great on him, so...
Thanks, bud.
And by the way,
Francine said she was pooped,
so she went to the
spa for a mud bath.
FRANCINE Help!
You hear screaming? Screaming?
Yeah, I hear it. It's my calves.
We rented bikes yesterday.
Did 50 miles.
They are howling, bud.
Hey, Roger!
Sit up here at the bar.
Yech, don't stop.
We're actually going
to order some food.
I serve the full menu right here.
Stop it, Mia. You know
your face is gross to me.
Don't make me talk about that.
When's Francine back from the spa?
Could take weeks.
She's getting the Tom
and Jerry Cleanse.
They send a hungry field
mouse up her waa-waa,
let it go to town, then they
send a cat in after the mouse.
It's a long process.
You're funny, man.
Order me the hamburger salad.
I'm going to shower up.
How you been, Rog?
Do I know you? It's Mark.
Remember, I paid for the chocolate you
got caught stealing at the winery.
You were there with your wife.
That wasn't my wife!
That was my best buddy's wife
and I ended up kissing her.
When he finds out,
our friendship's going to be over.
Not necessarily.
Just let your buddy
kiss your girl and
then you'll be even.
Oh, yeah, that'd be great,
but I don't have a girlfriend.
Hey, beautiful.
You free tonight?
Of course you're free.
Now, go home and put on your
best Disneyland sweatshirt.
We're going out.
Don't panic. I'm just
keeping you down there
until I can fix things.
And I got you food.
Sun Fresh chips,
right? And a sandwich.
Did you get it?
Hello?
Is the sandwich stuck in the pipe?
Did you get any of the chips?
They're Sun Fresh chips.
They're healthy for you.
Healthier than regular chips.
Oh! No, they are not.
Yo, yo!
I stopped for burgers
after I choked it.
Are we going too far with this?
I sure hope so.
Steve, it's almost 1:00.
Get a load of Big Ben.
I know what time it is.
I'm going to go get
Principal Lewis.
Yo, girl. You're my lab partner.
But I'm paired up with Dennis.
Dennis is paired up
with the floor now.
Steve, you're so crazy today.
You think that's crazy,
wait till you see this!
Let's fly!
Nein! No, don't!
I don't want to look.
Does my leg look broken?
Aah, my God!
So, where do you want to go?
I thought we'd just hang
here with my buddy Stan.
He's super fun. Great kisser.
Stan, you old bastard, get in here!
This is my very serious
girlfriend Mia.
We're friends.
It's okay to kiss hello.
What's a kiss? Nothing!
Means you're friends.
Wine country! Tequila all around!
To kissing!
Come on. Group kiss!
I kiss Mia, I kiss Stan.
Everybody's kissing!
You guys kiss!
I'm just gonna use
the john real quick.
What are you doing
just sitting there?!
You're the worst date.
Go kiss him while he's pooping.
You know, give him a
San Diego thank you.
♪ Lips are for kissing,
uh, uh-uh! ♪
♪ Lips are for kissing,
uh, uh-uh... ♪
You guys like that song,
"Lips Are For Kissing"?
Kiss if you like that song.
I think I should go.
You can't leave without a kiss.
Come on. Go tongue-blast
his baloney hole!
Hey, bro, I wouldn't be
too broken up about her.
I was waiting to tell ya,
but she tried to kiss
me on the toilet.
A little kiss?
You thought I'd care?
No, we're friends, so it's okay.
Not in my book.
That makes it especially not okay.
Remember these?
Best friends forever, man.
Stan, something
happened last night.
You're not gonna like it,
but I have to tell you the truth.
Stan, I have something to tell you.
Roger already told me.
Really? Yes,
all the sordid details.
Well, it wasn't sordid.
It was just a stupid little kiss.
So you admit it! You kissed Roger!
What?! No!
He kissed me!
Lie.
I've been trying to
tell you all day.
All day? I've been waiting
all day for you to come clean!
But you went to the spa
to ease your guilty conscience.
Well, I couldn't leave my
buddy hanging any longer!
Stan, this is crazy!
He kissed me,
and then he buried me alive!
Good try. We know
you had a mud bath.
In my clothes?
Yeah, you ruined a
perfectly fine dress
your hardworking
husband bought you.
I do work hard.
He's lying, Stan!
No, I'm not.
Stan, this is a high-five truth.
This is ridiculous.
Francine, I'm sorry.
If I hid this from
Stan and he found out,
then this thing that meant nothing
would suddenly mean something.
That's what I told
you!
I'll kill you!
Leave him alone, Francine.
Roger's a true friend.
These bike shorts are dry.
Why don't they take 'em down?
Hey, Room 23, your shorts!
Who knows how many
guys she was with
who weren't my best buddy
and didn't tell me?
Yeah, yeah, probably a lot.
I've put so much
into this marriage.
God, now it looks like divorce.
Half of all marriages
end in divorce.
But it's so terrible!
First, there's the kids!
The poor kids!
It'll make them stronger.
Then the house,
we'll have to sell the house!
It's just stuff, man. Things.
Which means no more attic for you.
Beg pardon?
I mean, where will you live?!
This affects everyone!
Whoa, what's this?
Is the sidewall cracking?
Shouldn't be. I just got these.
Okay, Stan, now I can tell you:
you don't have to get
divorced and sell the attic
because I was the one
who kissed Francine.
But it didn't mean anything.
It was just a drunken slipup.
Damn it, Roger!
Get me the hell out of here!
I'm just gonna give you
some time to cool off.
I'm gonna rip your head off!
Okay, so you need more time.
Not the necklace!
Ow.
They're beautiful, Stan.
You're beautiful, baby.
You're beautiful.
I can't believe you did this to me.
Amy's family might prosecute
me for attempted murder.
You wore your underwear to school.
Wow, Hayley, you look beautiful.
What are you talking about?
I shaved.
I'm here for our date.
I sold all my toys to rent a limo.
No.
Bye. Have a beautiful time!