American Dad! (2005–…): Season 5, Episode 14 - Cops & Roger - full transcript

♪ Good morning, USA! ♪

♪ I got a feeling that it's
gonna be a wonderful day ♪

♪ The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ♪

♪ And he's shining a salute
to the American race ♪

♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪

♪ Good... ♪
♪ Good morning, USA ♪

Aah!

American Dad 5x16
Cops & Roger
Original Air Date on April 11, 2010

Okay, the Langley
Falls Shopping Mall

Memorial Day sale
begins in two hours.

Are you ready for
this, Francine?



Sure, I'm ready.
You don't look ready.

I've been up for five hours
doing stuff like this.

Honey, why are you up
so early?

I'm doing surveillance
down at the docks.

Gonna bust
some gun smugglers.

Then maybe I'll come
to the mall,

and just girl out
with you two.

Hope I don't get
my period.

Love you!
Traveling pants!

There's nothing
girlie about it.

I want a turtleneck
like Stan's.

I'll get it
at Baby Gap.

Extra small.

I want to feel like I'm
being choked a little bit.



That was amazing.

It was way better
last year.

You don't even know.

I gave a toddler
a concussion.

Now you know.

Well, I am exhausted.

Hey! No!

Thief! Roger, help!

Oh, no. Oh, my God.

Oh, please, no.

No, no, no!

Whoa! I'm falling!

Somebody, please!

My name is Clive Trotter,

and I'm an American,
and I am in trouble!

This could be it.

Well?

Well, she
only had three puppies,

so I'm afraid you
can't have one.

Aw...

Damn it. Just more puppy talk.

Hello.

Francine?

I'm so freaked out,
I couldn't even make tea.

There's nothing
in my mug,

but the sipping noises
calm me.

Ah. Nothing.

Francine, you shouldn't
be out at night

without a man
escorting you.

Hey, I was escorting her,
and I was dressed like a man.

It takes more than a wig

and a fake bulge
to be a man, Roger.

Men are strong,
honorable and brave.

You're none of
those things.

You just turned
and ran away.

Disgraceful.

Hell, Klaus is more
of a man than you are.

Hey, a shout-out
for Klaus.

That's rare.

You know what, I'm not going
to push the conversation.

I'm just going
to chalk this up as a W.

Shut up, Klaus.

And I broke even.

Quiet, Klaus!
And I blew it.

Roger, stop throwing
out your costumes.

Stan was just upset.

He didn't mean those
things he said.

No, he was right.

I am weak.

I'm not even fit
to wear man clothes.

Good-bye, Vince Monaco,
legendary firehouse prankster.

Your days of putting condoms
in lasagna are over.

Sweetie, I don't blame
you for happened.

Well, you should.

I'm just a silly little hen,
and everybody knows it.

I'm going to miss you
most of all, Jon Goodhorse,

Native American activist
and sex offender.

You were...
you were complicated.

Did not respond well
to the word "no."

Reginald, hey.

I thought the CIA sent you
on a mission to Afghanistan.

Nah, not enough people signed
up, so they canceled it.

If it's okay,
I'm going to do a couple loads.

Drr in my building
is too rough on my delicates.

Hey, you know, that
sounds like a song.

♪ Don't be rough
on my delicates. ♪

Anyway...

Listen, Reginald.

I never had a chance
to say I'm sorry

for trying to kiss
you the other night.

I was drunk
and stupid.

It-it'll never
happen again.

Girl, don't even sweat it.

That was the liquor talking,

and liquor loves talking
to my cute ass.

So, how are things
with Rhonda?

Oh, she's good. Yeah.

She just leased a Ford Focus.
She's good.

Hey, well, I'm still seeing Ian.

The four of us should go
double date sometime.

Oh, we should go
to Houlihan's.

They got
good drinks there.

Daiquiris, margaritas.

And you can take
the glass home

and do whatever
you want with it.

Fill it with M&M'S,
put a rose up in there.

They don't care.
It's your glass!

Okay.

Steve, you have to help me.

I can't stop thinking
about what happened.

Francine got mugged,
and I just sat there.

I was useless and pathetic
and weak.

How do y live with yourself
when y feel that way?

Well, I guess most
people just...

No, I'm talking
about you specifically.

How do you, Steve,
live wh yourself?

Charming.

This side of you
is charmg.

Now I have to take
a long Rollerblade

and sweat out
your poison.

He was no help.

That's tast time I...

No way! Hoosiers!

Oh, damn, it's on TNT.

Commercials.

Well, if that's the price
I gotta pay

to watch a basketball movie
without any blacks in it...

MAN Tired of being
weak and helpless?

Join the tradition of streng,
honor and avery.

Join the Laney Falls
Police Academy.

We're looking
r Langley's finest.

We're looking for you.

Me?

Okay, Roger,
I'm going.

I know, I should have put
my blades on outside.

Yo this,
dot you?

You're loving this.

You are a
stone-cold bastard.

♪ Ta-da! ♪

I joined
the police academy.

They're going
to teach me how

to be strong and tough,
like a real man.

Put your hands
on your fanny.

You have the right
to remain horny.

That was a joke--
an excellent joke--

but I'm serious
about this.

You look ridiculous.

Oh, do I?

Once upon a time,
there was a little alien

who went to the police academy.

Had to blow up
the kitchen, Franny.

It goes real well
with this thing I'm imagining.

You joined the
police academy, Roger?

Sounds pretty badass.

Steve! Language.

Shut the up,
Franny.

The boy's
expressing himself.

Steve, it's
extremely badass.

I am never going
to get pushed around again.

Ha! You'll never
make it, Roger.

Hey, you know how many
Police Academy movies

I watched to
prepare for this?

None, 'cause I knew I'd
pick up some bad habits.

Anyway, I'm going to
do great. u'll see.

Stop splashing me!

My piece!

What a dayhuh?

What about you?
How you holding up?

Lucas, how'd you do?

Oh, that's excellent.

I probably got
an A, though.

You should study
with me next time.

Maybe order in a pizza
and a two-liter.

What do you like,
Sprite? I sure do.

What?! No way!

Wait, why is this wrong?

Next to "Miranda rights,"
I put, "Miranda has the right

to a decent man who will
helper raise her baby."

Are these questions
not about Sex and the City?

Lucas, why won't you tell me
what kind of soda you like?!

I'm so glad Ian and I
could finally get together

with you guys and do this.

I am starving.

That's 'cause all
you've eaten all day

is a BLT, silly girl.

Oop, got your napkin.

Hope you don't order
finger foods.

Well, I do, I'll just
wipe my hands on your fur.

Oh, see,
now you're getting brave.

I'm going to try
the meatballs.

Huh?

Oh, yeah, baby,
I was looking at that, too.

Did you bring
your Zantac?

What, they can't know?

It's acid reflux.

I mean, you don't take
that pill,

they're going
to find out soon enough.

Rhonda's got
acid reflux.

What the hell?

Roger, stop
this nonsense.

Never!

Not everyone's cut out
to be a cop.

Shut up.

Roger, it's time to quit.

I won't!

You need to give up.

No!

Oh, there's another one.

Why are you doing this
to yourself?

Because I want
to be like you!

What?!
You're the strongest,

bravest,
most honorable guy I know.

If you had been
in that parking lot,

you would have kicked
that mugger's ass.

He humiliated me.

I m tired of bng weak!

Help me!

I've been waiting hear
those words for a long time.

I just prayed they
would come from my son

and not an alien
in a sports bra.

It's a support tank-- it's too
small-- it rode up my belly.

Okay, Roger,
if you're serious,

I'll help you get through
the police academy.

Really?!

Oh, Stan, thank you,
thank you, thank you!

Hello.

I'm gonna go
get some candy.

I have to pee.

Sorry.
Sorry.

MAN
I can't help but think that
we should be together.

WOMAN
I know, but we both have
someone else.

They never have to know.

But we'll know.

I think I can live with that.

I think I can, too.

Yes! Yes!

I'm so glad we're doing this!

Ooh, I took that Zantac
a little too late.

Mmm, mmm-mmm!
Those meatballs
are coming back.

I gotta lie
on my side.

I need napkins.

Okay, Roger, if you want to
make it through the academy,

you have to do
everything I say.

I hope you know what
you're getting into.

I got into these shorts--

I'd say that's already
quite an achievement.

Let's race!

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

Cadets of the Langley Falls
Police Academy,

I'd like to introduce
your valedictorian, Roger Smith.

Wow.

You know,
when I joined the academy,

I had no idea
what a tough road it would be.

I cried every day
for the first two weeks.

Crapped myself constantly.

Isn't that right, Tito?

What?

Where are you, Tito?

Where do you go?

Anyway, luckily, there was
one man who believed in me.

He is my rock.

He is my everything.

Mr. Stan Smith.

Stand up and take a bow, Stan.

Not a bow, but okay.

Here, I want you
to have this.

I couldn't have done
it without you.

No, kiddo, you earned it.

I'm so proud of you.

Hey, I have
a graduation surprise for you.

They caught your mugger.

Let's go.
I'm gonna knock his teeth out.

Roger, you can't.
He's in custody.

We just have to let
the justice system work.

But he humiliated me!

And now I'm strong
and brave enough to strike back!

Roger, just because
you have the tools doesn't mean

you can just do
whatever you want.

You have to respect the law.

Sorry to interrupt.

Detective Chaz
Migliachio.

Great speech
today, Roger.

You got a minute?

I get it.
Police business.

I'll just mingle
with strangers.

Hello, all.

Oh, looks like I'm
the best-looking
one in the group.

Oh, nope.
This guy.

Why don't you find
another group, handsome?

Roger, I've been
watching your progress

the past few months.

I have to say,
I'm impressed.

Well, you should see me
in the shower.

No, I'm just...
Thank you, though.

I overheard you talking

to your buddy about
a mugger in custody.

Yeah. He says we have
to respect the law

and let the legal system
run its course.

Yeah, that's what
most people have to do.

But not everyone.

God, I wish I knew what
you meant when you said that.

Oh, well, see ya.

No, wait! I'll tell you.

Oh, great.
I'm coming back.

Looks like show time.

Roger?! What are you doing?
You're too green.

Get out of there.
You're gonna blow this!

What do we have here,
gentlemen?

Officer, I can explain.

No, I can explain.

I'm taking a cut of everything
that comes through here.

These are my docks now.

Who are you?

He's with me.

I guess when it comes
to hitting people in the head

with a baseball bat,
I'm... "The Natural."

Laugh!

Roger's a dirty cop!

He's been on the force
for three hours!

So, you wanted
to have lunch.

Well, here I am.

Thanks for ordering
me a drink.

That's the cream.

That explains why
it went down creamy.

I saw you shake down those guys
down at the docks.

I know you're a dirty cop.

I don't know what
you're talking about.

Roger, this isn't
what I taught you.

I taught you to be strong
and honorable and brave.

Strong!

You don't know
what strong is.

You weren't even brave enough
to pay that mugger a visit.

But Chaz and I were.

Remember me?

Let me tell you a
little about myself.

I grew up in a
pretty unusual house.

It was a...
roundhouse!

We were poor,

so I had to make fruit juice
from a mule.

We called it...
donkey punch!

That was my first taste of
real power, and it felt great.

Then Chaz showed me how I
could feel that way every day--

taking what I
want when I want.

Plus, I'm a sociopath,

so, you know, all this
fits me like a slipper.

Damn it, Roger,
listen to me!

Chaz has got your head
all twisted around.

No! For the first
time in my life,

people aren't
messing with me.

They fear me!

You, put that tub of
mayonnaise in my car.

I'm gonna make it
my girlfriend.

You're a disgrace.

You don't deserve
to wear that mustache.

I was done with it anyway.

Text from Chaz.

I gotta roll.

Tell Klaus
I said "'Sup."

Hey!

What seems
to be the problem, Officer?

Quiet, whole milk!

Noticed that one
of your taillights was busted.

That's a $500 fine.

I'm not allowed
to have money!

Well, then, you're gonna have
to do something for me.

Why don't you go ahead and
scoot back on your banana seat?

What?

Scoot back...
on your seat.

That's good.

Now spit on the
tip of the seat.

But...
Do it!

Now sing with me.

♪ If you're happy
and you know it,
clap your hands ♪

♪ If you're happy
and you know it ♪

♪ Clap your hands... ♪

Not you, Hanukkah!

I'm taking a cut

of everything
that comes through here.

These are my docks now.

Deputy Director Bullock,

I have something
you'll want to see right away.

No, it's not nude photos
of Talia Shire.

No, it's not... Look, no...

I'm-I'm not asking you
to guess what...

No, I didn't buy you a belt.

You'll-You'll see in a minute.

You can wait.
Sir, stop it.

More laundry?

Nah, nah, I finished off
your fabric softener,

so I bought you a new box.

So, how's Rhonda?

I haven't seen you
since our double date.

Actually, me
and her broke up.

Oh, I'm... I'm
sorry to hear that.

You know,
me and Ian broke up, too.

Aw, man, it's Heartbreak Hotel
up in here.

Damn it, Elvis,
leave us alone!

You know what
we need to do?

Race some go-carts.

That sounds like fun.

It's a date then.

All right,
I'm gonna make a sandwich.

If you want one,
holla at your koala.

Hello, Ian?

Listen... I want to break up.

Ooh!

Good work, baby.

The Chaz singer!

What's going on?

We're screwed, Roger!

I got a mole
at the CIA who says

your buddy's been
doing surveillance

down at the docks, which
means he's got tape on us!

What?!

He's been setting us up.

You gotta take him down!

You stop him before he
turns those tapes in!

Yahtzee!

Before we do anything crazy,
let's make sure he has the tape.

Roger, I have the tape.

So I'm gonna give
you a call back.

Love you!

Oh, he already hung up.

He knows, though.

I was standing in Bullock's
office holding that tape,

and at the last minute,
I decided not to give
it to him...

because of this.

You were good man.

And I believe
you still can be.

Sometimes real strength
is having power

and choosing not
to use it.

Chaz, can you take me home?

My tummy doesn't feel so good.

I should have just had sex
with that mayonnaise.

Sure, sure,

but we got one more piece
of business to take care of.

Stan!

Since you know him, I figure
you could do the honors.

But he already gave me the tape.
He didn't turn us in.

I know his type.

Eventually, he's going to want
to do the honorable thing,

then, bam,
we're going to prison.

You know what happens
to you in prison?

I know
Kiefer Sutherland quit smoking.

Do it.

I guess we all knew
it would end up like this.

It didn't have to be this way,
you dumb son of a bitch...

whose name is Chaz!

Oh, boy.

I knew you were weak,
just like your friend here.

Weak?!
This guy's not weak.

He's the strongest man
I know.

He risked
everything for me.

That takes strength.

You see, Chaz,

real strength is having power
and choosing not...

Ow! My skin!

Oh, no. Oh, my God.

Oh, please, no.

Where you going,
princess?

Is that your little
escape route?

What goes up

must come...

That was unexpected.

Good job, Smith.

One less dirty
cop on the docks.

I'm recommending you
for a commendation.

Does that mean more money?

No. Yes.

Maybe. I don't know.

I probably won't
follow through.

You really turned out
to be one tough S.O.B.

Thanks, Stan.

So, have you heard anything?

Is Chaz gonna be okay?

No.

Okay.