American Dad! (2005–…): Season 5, Episode 12 - May the Best Stan Win - full transcript

# Good morning, U.S.A. #

# I got a feeling that it's
gonna be a wonderful day #

# The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face #

# And he's shining a salute
to the American race #

# Oh, boy
it's swell to say #

# Good morning, U.S.A. #
[Grunts]

[Chorus]
# Good morning, U.S.A. ##

[Whirring]

Did you put googly eyes on the Roomba?

Yeah. I like to look someone
in the eyes as they clean for me.

It's a power thing.



Gets me off.

[Door Closes]

Stan! Valentine's isn't
for another two days!

No, I just wanted some chocolate...

and they only sold them
in that box at Hershy Park.

You went to Hershy Park without me?

Yeah. Someone told me about it.
Sounded cool.

That was me!

For years, I've been telling you
I want to go there!

Well, now I know why,
because that place is awesome.

Milk Chocolate World is great.

I loved White World.

Didn't care so much for Dark World.

Stan, Francine, look at me go!



[Grunts]

Nein! Nein, Roomba!

[Gasps]
Whoa!

[Video Game Beeping]

##[Electronic Music]

[Gibberish]

I have not remotely understood
one of these Japanese games.

Can we just play a normal game?

Hide-and-go-pee!

[Together]
Barry, no!

Dead lady!

- [Rubber Squeaking]
- What is that?

She tastes like a ball gag!

Oh, my God. Her mouth opens.

Are you guys thinking what I'm thinking?

[Together] Shot-for-shot remake
of the movie Mannequin!

Boys, you found... Erica.

Mr. Yoshida, can we borrow your mannequin?

Yes, it's a mannequin.

Of course you boys can use this...
mannequin.

Thanks!

- Is it clean?
- You know it's not clean!

- Ow!
- Sorry. I started sleeping on my side...

so I need a pillow between my legs.

Night!

Stan, I feel like you've been
taking me for granted lately.

You take my pillow,
you go to Hershy Park without me.

You always put yourself first.

Okay, okay. Here's what I'm gonna do.

Tomorrow morning,
you'll be served breakfast in bed...

like a queen or a quadriplegic.

- [Gasps] Really?
- For really reals.

Mm-hmm.
Maybe I should work up an appetite.

Sorry, I have to wake up early tomorrow
to make you breakfast.

Oh, spider bite.

Itchy spider bite.

Oh, my God, it's so itchy, so itchy...

Jane Seymour- So it...

[Grunts, Sighs]

Got it.

[Birds Chirping]

- [Sizzling]
- Mmm, bacon.

What happened to breakfast in bed?

I know. And what happened to dressing up on
airplanes and handwritten thank-you notes?

You promised me!

Francine. Francine.
There's a good explanation.

- You ate it.
- Mm-hmm!

You never think about me, do you?

I bet you haven't even considered what
to get me for Valentine's Day tomorrow.

Don't even think you can
get out of this by shooting me.

So you don't have anything planned.

And I went to so much trouble
to get you something really special.

Do you want to know what I got you, Stan?

No, no, don't tell me!
You know I love surprises.

If you ruin this for me, I swear to God...

Side-by-side funeral plots
and a couple's coffin!

I thought we could be buried together
and hold hands for eternity.

Francine, that is so sweet.

And I'm really glad you
told me about this...

because I won't be needing a funeral plot.

- What?
- I'm gonna be turned into a cyborg after I die.

A cyborg?

Yeah. The C. I.A.'s gonna freeze me...

until they have the technology
to turn me into a half-man, half-robot.

This is the face I'm gonna do
when they freeze me.

[Teeth Clenched]
It's Han Solo...

from Star Trek.

I already picked out my colors.

Cobalt blue with gold trim. Sick.

So, you're not gonna be buried next to me?

Francine, it's "till death do us part."

At death, we part.

You go underground
and I go shooting into the air...

flying around like a crazy robot man.

Unbelievable!

I don't even want to look at you!

You can just sleep on the couch tonight!

Hey, you guys mind keeping it down?

We're shooting a movie
in the next room. Thanks.

A movie?

Hey, guys. I was eavesdropping,
but I found something better to do.

I piddled some, here on the rug.

There's a little blood in it, so... enjoy.

Okay. This is the big scene...

where the mannequin turns into
a living transvestite...

originally played by Kim Cattrall.

And... action!

You're the first thing I've ever created
that really made me feel like an artist.

Sometimes I think you're the dummy.

[Roger]
Cut! Awful!

- Who are you?
- The name's Ira Segal.

I directed the episode of Cybill
where Christine Baranski sat on her balls.

Point is, I can direct this thing.

Look how many pockets are on his jacket.

I think we should let him do it.

I'll remake Mannequin
on one condition.

- We make it Goonies.
- The Goonies? Why?

Look at you four.
Fat, nerdy, smart-mouthed, Asian.

You guys are The Goonies!

# What's good enough for you
is good enough for me #

# It's good enough #

# It's good enough for me #

# Yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah, ah ##

[Groaning]

[Snoring]

Marinate it with a marinade.

Oh, that's not enough marinade.

- That's too much marinade.
- Francine!

- [Grunts] What's going on?
- I realized I have been selfish.

It has been all about me.

But it's time we make it all about you.

[Francine]
You made me love coupons?

Tomorrow's gonna be
the best Valentine's Day of your life.

It starts with brunch and gets
progressively more romantic as it goes.

It ends with us doing something so dirty, we'll
both have intestinal distress for a month.

Oh.

And that's not all.

I've also decided to join you
in that lovers' coffin.

This is the C. I.A. contract
that I signed to become a cyborg.

Oh, Stan, I love you!

[Rumbling]

[Thunderclaps]

[Screams]

[Soft Beeping]

What's happening?

[Servos Whirring]

[Broad Accent] Stan, I'm you from the future.
We need to talk.

Oh, my God. It's me... as a cyborg!

- I'm awesome!
- But you tore up the contract.

Wait! This is the dishwasher warranty!

What happens if it breaks down?

It does.

Francine, look how cool I am as a cyborg.

Stan, I've traveled back,
like, a thousand years, man.

- We need to talk about the future.
- Why do you have an accent?

Yeah. It's like a mix
of Mexican and Canadian.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

America gets taken over by Mexico and Canada
in, like, a hundred years or something.

My God. A great nation defeated
by an army of gardeners and boring people.

Stan, in the future, the machines rise up
and try to destroy the human race.

I need to train you
so you can stop it from happening.

You'll save the world, man, eh?

I save the world.

I knew it. Fuckin' knew it.

I can't believe you lied to me
about ripping up that contract.

That's it. Out of here, both of you!

- I'm going back to bed alone.
- Francine.

Fine. I have so much to ask you
about the future...

like do I ever truly fall in love?

[Birds Chirping]

Wakey, wakey, gringo.

Early.

If you're gonna save the world
in a thousand years...

we got to spend all your time
getting ready, okay?

The evil machines of the future
are based on today's electronics, okay?

So take these things apart
and learn how they function...

how they think, ese.

You got a problem with me?

You don't even know me!

[Grunts]

[Gasps]
Roomba!

Stan, I love that thing!

She's soft on the machines.
Probably betray us.

Should we kill her now?

Look, it's Valentine's Day,
and I want to go to brunch.

Francine, I must train.

These coupons say they're good anytime.

- I'll be in the car.
- [Door Closes]

Looks like no training today
for me, Future Stan.

Not necessarily, bromigo.

Okay. Let's go, mama.

I'm not going anywhere with you.

The coupon didn't say anything
about which Stan it has to be.

Have fun, you two.

Treasure map!

Cut!

[Groans]
We've done this 40 times. What's wrong now?

I hate your face. Do it again.

[All Groan]

And... action!

A treasure map.

One-Eyed Willie buried a treasure.

It was full of diamonds and emeralds...

Give it to me!
I'll kill you! The treasure's mine!

Oh, right. Right.

Well, great work then.
Very convincing, Steve.

So convincing that I ruined the shot.

So let's take it from the top...

right after I get that treasure!

Don't go anywhere. I'm on my way back.

I remember what we're doing again.

I know this situation
isn't exactly ideal for you.

But spending the day with a beautiful
woman, that's pretty ideal for me, man.

##[Synthesized Pop On Stereo]

It's Japanese funk. Give it a chance.

Everybody loves it in the future.

##[Woman Singing In Japanese]

##[Continues]

##[Fades]

This actually turned out to be
a really nice Valentine's Day.

I've missed you.

You know, the last time I saw you,
you were in the electric chair.

You looked so tired.
You'd been running for so long.

- Hey, guys.
- Stan, what did you do?

I won the first battle, Francine,
but not yet the war.

I must rest.

[Groans]
I can't deal with him right now.

[Snoring, Muttering]

Oh, I remember that dream.
It's a puppy dream.

Eat those puppies, Stan.
Eat them till you're full.

Aren't you gonna eat?

I could, but it's not logical.

It would just be for pleasure.

Mmm! This French toast is so good.

You have to try it.

[Moaning]

Nice bite, Nardo.

- Come on. Let's train.
- Okay, Stan.

In the future,
all fighting happens very low...

because future armor protects everyone
from the mid-calf up.

So I'm gonna show you some kicks
and punches that attack the ankles.

Okay, so this is the move.

Sweep low, chop low, swing low.

Got it. You don't have to tell me twice.
I remember it exactly.

Chop low, Rob Lowe, Chad Lowe.

Chop low, Rob Lowe, Chad Lowe.

Chop low, Rob Lowe, Chad Lowe.

We have to talk about our feelings, homes.

I'm a married woman.

Yeah. You're married to me, jaina.

Oh. Yeah.

[Stammers]
I guess.

I'm Stan, just a more evolved Stan.

A Stan who spent a thousand lonely years
without you, man...

and realized you're the most
important thing in the world, eh?

This is too crazy. You're a robot!

[Future Stan]
That man will let you down again and again.

I know because I was that man.

You deserve better, dog.

I'm so confused, dog.

[Grunting]

Stan, we need to talk.

What is it? Another coupon?

The coupons are all gone, brah.

But...

What about all the sexy coupons at the end?

[Gasps]

You two did the Tennessee Log Jammer!

Where are the other two guys?
And did you at least put my ladder back?

This isn't easy to say...

but I'm leaving you...

for you...

in the future...

but now.

What?
You can't leave me for me!

And besides, he's only here
to train me for the future war!

There is no future war. I made it all up.

I actually came back
to steal Francine from you.

You bastard!

I guess I should go release the rice cooker
from the internment camp.

How could you sleep with another man?

He's not another man, Stan. He's you.

A more thoughtful version of you.

He even agreed to get
in the lovers' coffin with me when I die.

I never die, so I'm just gonna
lie next to her forever...

and stroke her hair
and do nice stuff like that to her.

[Chuckles]
Oh, Cybie.

I'm more romantic than this joker.

You've got to give me another chance!

I swear. Tomorrow, I will give you
the most romantic day of your life.

I don't know, Present Stan.
[Sighs]

Okay.

Thank you! You won't regret it!

- I hate you.
- Hey, brah. I make it up to you.

Give you a handy-j.
[Spits]

What? It's not gay. It's you on you.

Action.

[Steve]
Down here, it's our time.

It's our time down here.

Ow! What the hell?

I'm getting more acting
out of the sex doll.

Sex doll? Ew!

I've been keeping my gum in its mouth.

That's it! I'm through with this movie!

I'd rather do another one of my uncle's
secret basement movies...

but I got too old.

Guys, wait. Kids always talk about
doing remakes of their favorite movies...

but they never see it through.

We can't quit. This is our time.

It's our time down here.

- I'm in.
- Me too!

- Give me that map!
- [Yelps]

The treasure's ours.
We're rich, baby, just like we talked about.

[Cackling]

[Crickets Chirping]

[Footsteps]

I know you promised Francine a romantic day
tomorrow, but I can't let that happen.

Time to send you into the past.

Hayley, I overslept. Where's your mom?

She went to Hershy Park with your cyborg.

[Gasps]

Thanks for doing
the Chocolate Tunnel of Love with me again.

I was scared the first time.

But once I relaxed,
I was surprised how much I liked it.

[Screams]
Don't!

Sweep low!
Rob Lowe! Chad Lowe!

Augustus, no!

[Shouts, Grunts]

[Grunting]

[Boy Screams]

[Groans]

[Beeps, Shutter Clicks]

- [Screams]
- [People Gasping]

[Yelps]

[Screams]

[Clamoring]

[Both Groaning]

- [Bystanders Sighing]
- [Laughing]

Damn it! Why did I join
that stupid cyborg program?

Wait. If I never join the program,
you won't exist.

I'll just rip up my cyborg contract.

Sorry, Stan. I knew we'd think of that.

Oh! You are just a stinker!

Francine, listen. I love you.

I get it, and I'm gonna start
being attentive to your wants and needs.

If you really believe that,
then here, take the contract.

It's your choice, eh?

You can rip it up and get your wife back,
or you can let Francine be happy with me.

What's it gonna be, ese?

What you want or what she wants?

What I want! Duh!

Oh, my God. What am I saying?

I haven't changed.

Francine, if it takes a thousand years
of loneliness and misery...

for me to finally understand
how to treat you, then so be it.

I just want you to be happy.

[Paper Tearing]

That's all I needed to hear.

The refrigerator manual?

I'm still Stan!

[Beeping]

[Slowed Down]
Chad Lowe!

Yeah?

[Spectators Gasp]

- [Roars]
- [Gasps]

[Groans]
You choc-blocked me, bro!

I'm never going to
let go of this hand ever again.

# You never know what's gonna go down
at Hershy Park #

# Hershy Park
Hershy Park #

Augustus is dead!

- [Sobbing]
- # At Hershy Park, Hershy Park #

# Hershy Park
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ##

##[Synthesized Pop]

##[Woman Singing In Japanese]

Bye-bye! See you soon!

English - US - SDH