American Dad! (2005–…): Season 5, Episode 11 - A Jones for a Smith - full transcript

# Good morning, U.S.A. #

# I got a feeling that it's
gonna be a wonderful day #

# The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face #

# And he's shining a salute
to the American race #

# Oh, boy
it's swell to say #

# Good morning, U.S.A. #
[Grunts]

[Chorus]
# Good morning, U.S.A. ##

Aw, damn it!

This country's gone to hell
since the Democrats took over.

They just throw money
at anyone who asks for help.

I know. It's wonderful.



Name's Fantasia Lopez.

I'm on my way to Welfare
to get some free stuff.

Don't you worry, babies.

Mama's gonna get some food stamps...

so you can get the Milk Duds you need.

Look, Roger's clearly taking advantage...

but social programs are important.

Social programs are a crutch...

bailing out people too weak
to help themselves.

[Sneezes]
Good point, nose.

You see, I have a cold,
but I'm going to work.

I'm not crawling around the house...

like David Hasselhoff
trying to eat a hamburger.

- [Blows Nose]
- Hey, Dad. Before you leave...



- can you help me with my homework?
- No! Everyone asking for help.

Don't study things you can't grasp.

Honey, I'm late for the supermarket.

- Can you get my zipper?
- No!

Don't wear clothes you can't manage.

[Gagging]

She's choking. Dad, do something.

No! Don't eat food you can't handle.

Don't help her, Francine. Come on, Hayley.

- You can get yourself out of this.
- [Gasping]

- [Gasps]
- See? She saved her own life.

Oh! Three-second rule.

Ugh! Hayley, you know I don't like turkey
sausage. Why did you give me this?

Oh, thank you, Greg.

Why don't you come in for a bit?
We're having mimosas.

On a Monday? What's the occasion?

We always have brunch.

It's the most important
gay meal of the day.

It's the only meal of the day for me.

I'm gay fat.

I'm straight thin, but I'm gay fat.

[Chattering]

Next we pull back the muscle flaps.

l- I can't do it.

Oh, come on. He's a friendly guy.

# Hello, my baby
Hello, my honey #

# Hello, my ragtime gal ##

[Laughs]

You are so cute.

We should hang out sometime after school.

Listen. I'll say this for your own good
'cause you're new here.

I'm a nerd.

I know. Nerds are kind of my thing.

If you think that was nerdy, check this.

[Rapping]
# When the pimp's in the crib, ma #

# Hop it like it's hot,
hop it like it's hot #

# Hop it like it's hot ##

Snoop Froggy-Frog.
[Laughs]

You're still on board, right?

You sure you won't have one more?

Thanks, but I'm a bit tipsy as it is.

It's bad enough I peed in your shower.

- Bye.
- Oh.

What did she just say?

Hiya, Francine!

You should move your car.

It's street cleaning today.

Oh. Thank you, Al.

[Engine Starts]

[Siren Blares]

I'm afraid that was
an illegal u-turn, ma'am.

Oh, come on. I live right there.

Can't you just give me a break, Pig-fucker?

That is not my name, ma'am.

[Gasps]
Oh!

Oh, forgive me, Officer Figpucker.

I-I think I'm drunk is all.

- Francine.
- Oh, Stan. Thank God.

- Did you pay my bail yet?
- Oh, no. [Sneezes]

I just came to visit. You know
I don't believe in bailing people out.

So have you traded bras
with your cell mate yet?

- What?
- Like at summer camp.

- You think girls trade bras at summer camp?
- I would.

I'd get rid of my ratty old beige bras,
and trade up for something lacy.

Stan, listen.

It's okay for people to ask for help.

Like when they're in a drunk tank...

with a guy who calls himself
Mr. Businessman.

I'm wearing a suit, you see.

Francine, I'm sorry, but you need
to get yourself out of this mess.

[Sneezes]
Now I've got to go home...

and nurse this cold with some soup.

# Chunky beef #

## [Scatting]

Want me to be your husband?

- [Scoffs]
- You're right to make me earn it.

[Slurping]

There's our little jailbird now.

See? She got out all by herself...

and I bet she's a better person
for the experience.

They branded me with a shamrock, Stan.

I'm a member of the Aryan Lassies now.

So, Mom, how did you get out of jail?

I went before the judge...

and she sentenced me
to community service...

so I'm working at a soup kitchen
starting today.

Soup kitchen? No, no, no.

It's wrong to feed starving people.

It takes away their motivation.

The system works.

I need to be over there.

I'm gonna keep swinging my baby lasso...

till I catch me a man.

- Out of my way, bums.
- Stan?

This is the soup
my wife is serving for dinner.

That makes it my dinner.

This is my soup.

You'll have to find
something else to spill...

on the outermost of your five coats.

Looks like a whole lot of soup.

Who are you? The damn soup police?

- I deserve that.
- No, I'm sorry. I'm...

I'm just trying to nurse this cold.

You know, I'm in
the pharmaceutical business.

I might have something
that'll make you feel better.

[Inhales]

This'll clear you right up.

I see. It's some sort of heated inhalant.

[Inhales]

Wow! You're right. I feel great!

Whoo! Any chance I could get
some of that cold medicine to go?

Sure thing.

No need, pal. First time's free.

Whoo! I feel strong enough...

to drag a mattress
into an abandoned building.

Hey. As long as you're giving out crack...

how about you throw a little ding-a-dong-ding-ding
ol' crackhead Boo Boo's way?

Not now, Mom. I'm working.

No, it's not crazy.

What else would girls be doing at camp?

Okay, everyone.
It's time for the C. I.A. obstacle course.

- Yeah!
- Yeah!
- Yeah, sweet!

Once outside, you'll navigate
every obstacle...

you'll encounter
in the field in Afghanistan.

I set it up while you were at lunch.

- You rascal. You said you had paperwork to go over.
- I know.

Yes! Hot dog!

[Sneezes]
Hmm.

Don't want this cold getting in the way
of my performance.

On your mark. Get set.

- [Gunshot]
- Go!

Whoo! Yeah.

[Shouting]

[Grunting]

The typical Afghani market bazaar
has hidden dangers everywhere.

The stitching is fantastic.

This would really look great-
[Groans]

- Huh?
- He likes you. Picture?

- [Bones Crack]
- [Gasps]

[Whirs]

Yeah!

Yeah!

[Grunting]

- [Pounding]
- [Roaring]

[Ticking]

Good work, Smith.
Whatever you're doing, keep it up.

[Sobbing]
Look what you've done.

She was my pet.

Her name was Hot Sauce, and I loved her.

I hope someone breaks your neck
one day, you murderer.

[Sobbing]

- Geez.
- I know, right?

Let's see. I couldn't use the "F,"
so I subtract three points.

- I know something you can use the "F" for.
- Oh, my.

- You kids having a good time?
- [Screams] Hello, sir.

Lovely day, is it not?

Will you excuse us, Janine?

[Gulps]
Mr. Winthrop, I wasn't trying anything.

- I swear.
- That's a pity. Janine likes you.

- Uh, what?
- Steve, I understand young love.

My daughter wants
to be with you intimately...

and I'm here to tell you
that you have my blessing.

Oh, God. I'm gonna pass out.

If you and my daughter get physical...

I only ask that you do it safely
under my roof.

Okay. Janine? Janine?

[Chuckling] Of course,
I'll have to meet your parents first.

I'll organize a dinner
for our families in a few days.

And, son...

safety first.

And don't worry about the sheets.

She's ridden horses her whole life.

Whoo! Clears my sinuses right up.

You gonna share that crack
you're doing, or what?

Crack? This is cold medicine.

- No, sir. It's crack.
- It's not crack.

I bought it on a park bench
outside a soup kitchen...

from a guy in a lime-green suit...

Oh, my God, it's crack. Oh, my God.

C. I.A. agents are supposed to distribute
crack to the inner city, not smoke it.

Okay, this is okay.

Easy mistake. Anyone could make it.

I'll throw this away and forget about it.

This is just between us, Roger, all right?
It will never happen again.

[Laughs]
Never again.

That's what I say every time
I wear the plunger penis.

Aaah! I said I wouldn't do this again.

I wish I was dead.

Anyone else wish they were dead?

Uh, I don't.

So, there's this girl I like...

and her father wants our families
to have dinner together.

Oh, Steve, your voice
is so annoying sometimes.

[Sighs, Sobs]

[Chuckling]

Look, forget it. It's just this damn cold.
It's making me cranky.

You know, Stan, sometimes people need
help getting over their... colds.

I don't need any help. I'm fine.

Now let's just all try
and enjoy our dinner.

- [Slurping]
- [Slurping]

[Panting]

I'm gonna go take out the trash.

There he goes. All right.
I didn't want to do this.

Plunger boobies!

Oh, my God!

Could you imagine
if I really had nips like these?

I'd like to think I'd find love.

[Man's Voice] Do you sometimes
feel irritable, restless, uneasy...

sad, normal, or just plain not high?

Maybe it's time to try crack.

[Spraying]

[Barking]

Crack may cause shivers,
night terrors, gay for pay...

heart palpitations,
homicidal paranoia...

or the sensation that
you're on fire.

Peeing blood and seeing friends'faces
as talking skeletons...

are possible side effects of crack.

People who use crack
may also experience...

five-to-seven years in prison
where brutal raping may occur.

If you experience one or more of these
side effects, consult your dealer.

You may need more crack.

Crack. Isn't it time you see
what all the fuss is about?

- [Helicopter Overhead]
- [Gunfire Outside]

- [Siren Blaring]
- [Groans]

Ugh! Why does Oprah like this one?

- It's so boring.
- Shh!

Are you crazy?
You can't speak ill of Oprah.

Val Kilmer bad-mouthed Oprah...

and now he's slowly
turning into a pumpkin.

[Door Opens]

Stan, where have you been?
I haven't seen you in three days.

It feels that way
because we love each other.

No, it's been three days. We need to talk.

My A.T. M. card was rejected
for insufficient funds.

My necklace is missing.

- The TV is gone.
- No, it's not. It's right there.

I don't think that's the TV, Stan.

Sure it is. It's just not plugged in.

Hey, wasn't your Aunt Beverly
buried with her jewelry?

I want to go pay my respects.
Where was she buried? [Farts]

Ooh. Whoa. Diarrhea.

Oh, good. Dad's home. Now, don't forget...

Tonight is our dinner at Janine's house.

Roger is coming as my Uncle Cosworth.

- Land the ho, matey.
- No, Roger.

I need everything to go perfect tonight.

Of course it will, honey.

Now help me fix the TV.

I don't think this is right.

We like to finish the tour with our
family's most cherished possession...

a priceless Faberg? egg.

[Man]
# Get down, get down #

Steve, your family is charming.

Next time you're down at the marina...

I'll let you hop on my 28-footer.

Also, you should take a spin on my boat.

- Ooh!
- [All Laughing]

Um, could you excuse me for a second?

You guys mind if I steer the conversation
to a little tech talk?

Does your TV have insides?

What am I supposed to do with that?

Come back with cash,
and we'll do business.

[Growls]

So I'm huddled there.

With my eyes closed,
I feel the bear's wet nose on my cheek.

Sorry about that.

[Thinking] Got to find a
way to make some quick cash.

# Get down, get down #

So with a black bear, I wasn't sure...

if you're supposed to make yourself
look as big as possible or as small.

- [Gasps] Hey!
- Twenty bucks, I'll make you see heaven.

Stan, what the hell are you doing?

Yeah, Dad. What is wrong with you?

- Isn't it obvious? Guy can't handle his crack.
- [All Gasp]

Ten bucks-
Ten bucks and you can slap me with it.

What? Stan, you're on crack?

No, no. I will be as soon
as this pervert pays me.

Get out of my house.

No! Sir, please?

I'm sorry it didn't work out, son.

[Clears Throat]

Honey, point them to the door.

First you go down that hallway,
and then you take a left.

Stan, we need to talk.

- We're here because we love you.
- I'll go first.

Stan, do you have any idea how dangerous
it is to go downtown and buy crack?

You could have bought
from me right here in the house.

Roger, you're not being helpful.

Did you really expect me to be?

We're here to talk
about your drug problem.

- It's hurting the family.
- I had a sure thing, old man!

- [Grunts]
- Ow!

Dad, you have a problem,
and you need help.

[Sighs]

You're right. I have a crack addiction...

and I've been stealing
from all of you to support it.

I took the TV and Francine's jewelry.

Roger, I stole about eight of your wigs...

but those were just
to wear while I was high.

It's super fun
to walk around high in a wig.

But my family shouldn't have
to pay the price.

I realize that now.

And I'm gonna kick this thing, I swear.

Oh, thank God.

Now we can get you the help you need.

No! Stan Smith
doesn't take help from anyone.

I got myself into this.
I'll get myself out.

[Sighs] While we're all here,
I think I'm addicted to pot.

Don't be ridiculous.

Okay, Roger. For the next 48 hours,
your attic is my withdrawal pod.

I'm doing this on my own.
No help from anyone.

Don't let anyone in...

- and whatever I say, don't open the door.
- Got it.

You've got the room
for as long as you need it.

Good luck, friend.

[Locks Latching, Clicking]

[Sighs]

[Clicking]

- I forgot my comb.
- I need crack!

[Glass Breaks]

Why do I need a comb?

[Clattering]

Intruders!

[Clattering Continues]

What are you doing
with my local daytime Emmy?

I-I need to pawn it for cash.

- You can't. It's priceless.
- You can't. It's worthless.

[Siren Blares]

[Man On P.A.] We have the place surrounded.
Come out with your hands up.

So you can force me into rehab?
No dice.

- Now let me go or I'll kill the gay news team.
- [Both Gasp]

You can just say "news team."

[Siren Blares]

Malcolm Hathaway, hostage negotiator.
I'll take it from here.

Don't worry, ma'am. I'm the best there is.

We're gonna get your husband
out of there.

- [Rapid Beeping]
- [Line Ringing]

- [Rings, Beeps]
- Hello?

Stan, it's Malcolm Hathaway,
hostage negotiator.

- I just want to talk.
- I don't have anything to say.

[Sighs]
Get him $50,000 in unmarked bills.

Sir, he didn't ask for money.

Then make it 500,000.

I don't think this guy's very good.

You know what I'm good at?
Cartwheels. Watch.

[Groans]

[Stan]
Hello? Are you still there?

Ho, ho. This game.

Fine. I'll get you a plane to Colombia.

Cocaine is dirt cheap there.

That- That sounds good.

It's on its way.

And as a gesture of goodwill,
I'm gonna give you another hostage.

Send in the boy.

[Gasps]

Well, this is getting interesting.

I bought this chair for my eclipse party.

The only one who showed up was Tuttle.

I thought it was an ?clair party.

You don't listen.

[Engines Whining]

Okay, Mr. Smith. Just get on the plane
and get the hell out of here.

Stan, don't go.

We love you. Let us help you.

I told you, I don't need help.

I need crack.

Now where's the "fly" button?
Ah, here it is.

Okay, the newscasters are clear.
Take your shot!

- What? But they're-
- Take your shot!

- Greg!
- [Gunshot]

I don't know about you...

but I sure would like
a slice of pie right about now.

- [Muffled]
- Ahh.

Yay!

Finally!
The majestic crack fields of Colombia.

I can live like a king here
for the rest of my days.

Crack?

Can l- Can I have some crack?

Just a little- Just a little crack.

- Give me your wallet.
- What? No!

- Give me your wallet.
- Get off me.

- I'm not giving you my wallet.
- This is a mugging.

Help me rob this white man.

You're asking for help.
That's so pathetic.

You didn't kick. You need to kick.

[Groans]

No, don't help him.
It's a crutch. It'll make the kid weak.

No. He needed our help, and he asked.

There is no shame in that.

Shoes are very valuable.
Never forget the shoes.

Oh, and check his pocket.

Look! Plane keys.

I did it.

Thank you, everyone. Thank you.

Oh, my God.

You helped him...

and it didn't make him weaker.

It made him a better thief.

[Shouting, Laughing]

[Siren Blaring]

I need some soup...

- and some help.
- Stan!

You were right. Everyone needs help
sometimes, and that's okay.

Oh, honey, we're gonna
get you everything you need to kick this.

I'm ready to change...

right after I smoke crack one more time.

I did it.

I kicked it for good.

- Oh, Stan, we missed you so much.
- Welcome back, Dad.

I will hate you until the day I die.

Sure thing, kiddo. Camping sounds great.

[Sighs]

Mom, while we're here...

I really think I should check myself in
for my pot problem.

Just stop it, Hayley.

Bye! Have a great time.

English - SDH