American Dad! (2005–…): Season 5, Episode 10 - Don't Look a Smith Horse in the Mouth - full transcript

# Good morning, U.S.A. #

# I got a feeling that it's
gonna be a wonderful day #

# The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face #

# And he's shining a salute
to the American race #

# Oh, boy, it's swell to say #

# Good morning, U.S.A. #
[Grunts]

[Chorus]
# Good morning, U.S.A. ##

This morning's top
story- the economy.

People are losing their jobs,
their homes and their life savings...

- and everybody's cutting back.
- Even us.

Last night, we only 68'd.



- Really? That's terrible.
- Oh, well.

Well, I'm doing my part
to save this family some money.

Look. I'm rolling my own tampons.

I just saved 21 cents.

That's my girl- soaking up the savings.

I'll just shove this in my box.
[Grunts]

- Mom, just put your box on the table.
- While we're eating?

Oh. Okay.
[Grunts]

A-good morning, everybody.

[Grunting]

Roger, only one scoop of chocolate mix.
Everyone has to cut back.

Ah! Why should I have to?

Stan spends $400 a week in gas
for his S.U.V.

Stan, I can't believe this.



I'm shoving recycled couch stuffing
up my Jack Johnson...

while you're burning through cash.

You need to get rid of that S.U.V.
And get a hybrid right away.

As if. I need my S.U.V.

You never even haul anything.

I like the option.
You just don't understand.

I love that S.U.V.
I'm a big man. I need a big car.

It's who I am.

[Man Rapping] # Sip the
juice I got enough to go around #

- [Woman Screams]
- # And the thought takes place uptown #

- [Man Whimpering]
- # I grew up on the sidewalk #

# Where I learned street talk
and then taught to hawk New York #

# I go to Queens for queens
to get the crew from Brooklyn #

# Make money in Manhattan
and never been tooken #

# Go uptown to the Bronx
to boogie down-##

Stan, we lost all our
savings in the market.

We're living paycheck to paycheck.

Look, I'll find a way
to make some extra money.

Well, you better, because if you don't...

that S.U.V. is O-U-T.

G-O-T l-T?

H-U-H? H-U-H?

Yes! Just stop... spelling.

[Slurps]
Whoo! Is that rich!

Can't have too much of that.

All right, just birth the ferret baby
and put it in the bucket.

- It's worth 50 points.
- Oh, Steve!

We've been playing Animal Midwife
for two years.

When are you gonna get some new games?

Maybe we should go to your place...

and play " let's watch your mom sober up
before she has to get to her nursing job."

Ouch.

All I'm saying is it would be great...

if we had some money for some new games.

Hey, you know, I used to do odd jobs...

for my neighbor, Mr. Tuttle.

Haven't seen him in a while.
Maybe he'd pay us to do something.

Like pouring ketchup on my head?

- Why would he pay you to do that?
- Do what you love and the money will come.

Gotta come up with enough money
to save my S.U.V.

- Think, Stan. Think.
- Hey, I have an idea.

You could put my brain
back into a human body...

and I could get a job
and earn some money for the family.

That's a great idea, Klaus.

[Whispering] Stay out of this.
Your father hates your opinions.

- I'm just trying to help.
- Then tell him you think it's a terrible idea.

Well, Klaus, we certainly still have the
brain-switching technology down at the C. I.A.

You know what? No. No.

I think we'll leave you where you are.
It's working well for everybody.

It's not working for me.

- Dad-
- Shut up, Hayley!

Dear Lord,
I hope you're not still mad at us humans...

for casting Whoopi Goldberg
to play you in that Muppet TV movie.

I was not part of that decision.

So, Lord, if you could,
help me find a way to keep my S.U.V.

[Wind Whistling]

Well, I'll be a son of a bitch.

- What is it, Dad?
- It's a horse.

And it's racing today. It's a sign!

- [Klaus Yells]
- I gotta go bet on this horse.

I gotta save my S.U.V.

[Door Opens, Closes]

You know what? Don't. You've done enough.

Don't let her see that you're suffocating.

[Gasping]
Don't give her the satisfaction.

[Gasping Continues]

- [Door Squeaking]
- Mr. Tuttle?

Man, this place is creepy.

I'm getting scaredy farts.

- [Passing Gas]
- Calm down, Barry.

Nice guy. Always smiling.

I've hardly seen him since his wife died.

Mr. Tuttle!

- [Metal Clanging]
- [Passing Gas]

[Passing Gas]

[Door Squeaking]

- Mr. Tuttle!
- [Tuttle] Company!

You've- You've put on a little weight.

It's mostly fat.

## [Trumpet: "Call to the Post"]

[Stan]
There he is.

Man, Well I'll Be A Son Of A Bitch
is a good-Iooking horse.

I've got a really good feeling about this.

[Male Announcer]
And coming down the stretch...

it's Well I'll Be A Son Of A Bitch...
finishing dead last!

That was only misleading
if you're just joining us now!

If you watched the race,
it was perfectly clear!

Sorry. I only have one
emotional level to my voice!

[Grunts]
I am gonna go spit on the jockey.

Hey, little man.
[Hawking]

Hello.

Roger? You're a jockey?

Mm-hmm. Yes, I am a jockey.

Davy Jones from The Monkees
started out as a jockey.

But I don't see
how that's any of your business.

- Hey, my racing form.
- This is yours?

Why the hell did you circle your horse?
It's a total loser.

Oh, I was doing dangerous
drugs last night...

and I got worried I'd forget
which horse I was racing.

I know. I have a problem. I worry too much.

Damn it, Roger! That horse was
my last hope to save my S.U.V.

- Another very bad race, Clancy.
- I'm Clancy.

Sorry, Mr. McCormick.
We'll do better next week.

Unfortunately,
there isn't going to be a next week.

- Mr. McCormick, no!
- Uh, sorry, Clancy.

The only way I can recoup my losses
on this horse...

is to shoot it in the face and collect the
life insurance I took out when I married it.

- [Hammer Cocks]
- I'll buy him.

You don't have $50,000.

And you don't have Beyonc? tickets.

- Do you?
- Of course not.

Oh!

Stan, you have to buy this horse.

- It's a guaranteed winner.
- What? That horse is a joke.

Look, I've been holding it back
with tranquilizers...

so it loses and the odds go way up.

Then at next week's Langley Derby...

I'll let it run to its full potential,
and we'll make a fortune.

Wow. That's a really good idea, Roger.

- So you'll buy the horse then?
- I don't know.

I'd have to take out a second mortgage
for the money.

And if he doesn't win, I'd lose everything.
Are you sure about this?

I'm positive.
This horse is the only thing...

that's gonna keep you
from ending up in a car like that.

- It's so efficient.
- And the radio only gets N.P.R.

- We're nerds!
- Kill us!

- [Fists Smacking]
- [Nerds Groaning]

[Shudders]
All right, I'm in.

- But do not tell Francine.
- It'll be our little secret.

Like when you passed out last Christmas Eve
and I made out with you.

- What?
- Hmm?

Roger, I told you everyone has to cut back.

Only one thin layer of cream cheese.

- Stan spent your life savings on a horse.
- What?

- I, uh-
- [Roger] What am I doing?

I can't eat a bagel right now.
It's Passover.

## [Singing In Hebrew]

- [Stopwatch Clicks]
- Ha! Record time.

We're gonna get through this, baby.

I'm gonna take you to Make-out Point
and tongue your gas hole.

- Stan!
- Ooh!

Do you realize we could lose this house?

Do you realize how much danger
you put this family in...

to save this stupid thing?

Look, this horse is gonna
put us back on top.

I'll be able to afford my S.U. V...

and you'll be able to watch me drive
around the block...

from your brand-new lawn chair!

Yay! I won!

Was that a horse?

You better be right about
this horse, Stan...

- or we're screwed.
- [Horse Galloping]

See? I told you this thing was fast.

- [Grunts] Hey!
- I didn't get to do that earlier.

- Stop telling Francine on me!
- Ow! Geez, that really hurt.

You broke me. I'm broken.

You're gonna have to do the horse chores,
'cause I'm broken.

Fine. What do I have to do?

Well, you have to brush
the horse's coat and mane...

water and feed it
and then give it a full release.

- A what?
- You know. Give it a happy photo finish.

- Huh?
- Take the glue out of the factory.

Spank his front butt.
Grant him a bone loan.

Oh! l- Oh, no. You're kidding.

No, sir, I am not.
I am stabling a champion racehorse.

A full release ensures a rejuvenative rest
and promotes a winning attitude.

Stan, if you wanna keep your S.U.V.,
your house and your wife, you'll do it.

[Sighs] I don't know
how I'm gonna get my nightgown on tonight.

So... hi.

How's it going?

[Inhales]
Here we go.

Just, uh, do me a favor
and let me know when you're about to...

You know.

[Gurgling]

Hey, Stan, can you tuck me in and...

Oh, my God, you didn't.

- You did!
- You told me to.

Well, I was just messing with you
for punching me in the arm.

But l- I can't believe you did it.

Oh! Too good. Too good. Oh!

Well, good night.

Well, Mr. Tuttle, we're done.

You boys have done a fantastic job.

You've earned your hundred bucks.

- Hooray!
- All right!

I have cash in my wallet.

- Great. Where is it?
- It's in my back pocket. Grab it for me.

- Not it.
- [Speaks Japanese]

Not it.

I want this.

[Whinnying]

- What's going on?
- He's been acting this way all morning. He's spooked.

Why is the animal...

that our future depends on doing that?

Oh, he's fine. He was expecting some
sunglasses in the mail that didn't come.

- [Squishing]
- [Grunts]

You'd better know what you're doing...

you dumb Irish bastard.

- [Groans]
- [Whinnying]

We've gotta get this thing un-spooked.

Everything depends on this horse.

Luckily, I know a guy
who might be able to help us.

Let's just pray that for once when
we get there, he doesn't turn out to be me.

- [Scraping]
- Oh, crap.

Can I help you?

I had an appointment
with the horse whisperer?

Oh, yes. He'll be right with you.

Thank God I'm just his secretary.

I'm an associate.

All right, Snot. We'll jimmy him up.

- Then you go in for the wallet.
- Got it.

[All Grunting]

I'll be like Indiana Jones.

You know, when the stone
door was closing...

and then at the last second
he grabs his whip and...

- [All Grunt]
- [Muffled Yelling]

[Grunting]

[Speaking Japanese]

Snot's gonna die!
[Passes Gas]

Ah, scaredy farts, huh?

Don't you start,
'cause you're gonna get me going.

[Muffled Yelling]

[Whispering] What you wanna do
you're gonna make sure- Imagine.

Visualize.

Horse whispering-
does this stuff really work?

Stan, stop whispering.
The horse won't know who to listen to.

[Whispering Continues]

- [Whispering]
- [Gasps]

- What is it?
- This horse says you molested him.

You sick fuck.

Although it's in peak physical shape,
its mind is shot.

I'm afraid this horse
will never race again.

That's it. We're ruined.

Do not say a word of this to Francine.
Do you understand me?

Stan, this is my fault too.

We got into this together.
We'll get out of it together.

[Rattling]

[Squishing]

The horse is ruined. Stan raped it.
You're probably gonna lose the house.

- [Shatters]
- Damn it, Stan!

We're gonna lose everything
because of you.

Francine, wait!

What have I done?

- There's no way I'll come up with the money.
- My offer still stands.

Put my brain back into a human body,
and I'll get a job doing animal sounds.

Listen to this one.

Yup-yup! Yup-yup! I'm a rabbit.

That's it. Thank you, Klaus.

[Kisses]
What a great idea.

Come on, Roger. We're going to the C. I.A.

[Bowl Shatters]

Wait. Wait.
Where are you going? We had a deal!

- I sure hope this works.
- [Stan] You heard what the horse whisperer said.

His mind is shot, but its body is perfect.

But now with my mind in its body,
I'm gonna win that race.

- Wait. Aren't we forgetting something?
- Oh, yeah.

[Whistling]

[Whinnies, Blusters]

Look at you.
You're like Bambi. Frickin' adorable.

Careful.
One hoof at a time. Good! You're doing it!

[Laughs]
Look at me. I'm trotting.

Ooh, fancy.

Hey, check out what else I can do.

- [Groans]
- Stop telling Francine on me!

[Sighs]
You get one of those.

You get one of those, Horse Stan.

Now we train.

[Whinnies]

[Ripping]

Oh, boy.

Man, I'm fast.

I think we can actually win this thing.

Can I pet your horse?

Oh, a little cowboy.
Sure. Go ahead, buckaroo.

Honey, don't do that.
Horses don't like to be poked in the eye.

Honey, he doesn't like that.

If you don't stop doing that,
I'm gonna come to your house...

and kick your mom to death while you watch.

[Gasps, Screaming]

Stop that. Stop.

Hey, Frannie,
you wanna come cheer me on at the track?

Gonna be exciting.

Fine. Might as well be there in person
when I lose everything.

Oh, you're a lot of fun.
Glad I invited you.

I gotta go poop and puke
so I can fit in my jockey pants.

Stupid horse!

Oh, I'm sorry, fella.

It's not your fault. It's my husband.

What kind of man
puts a car before his family?

Oh, I'll never be able
to look at him the same way again.

[Grunts]

Boy, it's a good thing
I don't have testes...

because there is zero room
left in these pants.

Go ahead. Try and stick your pinkie in there.
It can't be done.

No? Not interested?

You are in a rough mood.

[Engine Starts]

Hey, brother.
Chewing on hay? Yeah, that's cool.

So just checking in, seeing when you're
gonna put my brain back in a body.

[Whinnies, Blusters]

Oh, no.

Dad, I need your help.

- Snot's trapped under Tuttle's fat ass.
- That's not your father.

- What are you talking about?
- Instead of switching my brain with a human...

- he switched his own brain with a horse.
- That's perfect.

Come on, Dad Horse.

It's not perfect for me, Steve!

- [Muffled Yelling]
- Let's go, Dad Horse.

- Pull!
- [Whinnies, Blusters]

It's working!

- [Grunting]
- [Gasps]

There's no wallet. What's going on here?

Well, boys,
the truth is, I don't have a wallet.

Two Christmases ago,
I soaked it in teriyaki sauce and ate it.

Why, Mr. Tuttle?
Why did you put us through this?

It was just nice having you boys around.

See, I don't socialize much
since the missus died.

Here. Here's your money.

Let's get out of here.
Fat people disgust me.

Hang on. I have an idea.

[Gasping]

Hey, this is great!

I'm part of the neighborhood again!

Hey, Greg, Terry, how you been?

It's me- Al Tuttle.

- He looks terrible.
- Why are we always holding hands?

- How else will people know we're gay?
- Oh, yeah. You're right.

## [Trumpet: "Call to the Post"]

Okay, I bet all your money on you to win.

Come on. It's time.
What the hell is wrong with you?

I can't concentrate. It's Francine.

What? So she's pissed. Everybody's
pissed. It's weird times these days.

No, she's not just pissed.
She's disappointed. And that's worse.

I can't believe I let her down.
I gotta make this right.

Stan. Stan. Stan!

- Stan!
- [Crowd Gasping]

[Gasps]
Make it quick! Just kill me!

No, no. Francine, it's me.

[Gasps]
Stan? You're a horse.

I'm not just a horse. I'm a horse's ass.

I put our family's security in jeopardy.

I just wanted to keep my S.U.V.
So I could roll right over anyone in my way.

But I rolled right over you.

I'm so sorry.
How can I ever make it up to you?

Well, there is one thing
you could do for me.

- What?
- Come here.

Win.

Win.

Well, what are we waitin' for?

[Whinnies, Blusters]

- Ready, Roger?
- [Bored Voice] Yeah.

- What's wrong, bud?
- I wish I had like a rival jockey or something...

to make things more exciting.

Hey, it's not too late.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

- Hey, you, with the goatee.
- Yeah?

I'm so tired. I was up all night.

Oh, yeah? What were you doing?

- Pumping your wife.
- Hey! No, you weren't.

Yes, I was. Pumping her good.

- I'm gonna get you for that.
- Bring it on!

It is on!

- [Bell Ringing]
- [Male Announcer] And they're off!

- Come on, Stan. Come on!
- I'm giving her all I got.

Damn it. If only I was
a little bit lighter.

[Vomiting]

[Vomiting]

[Vomiting]

Whoo-hoo! Son Of A Bitch!

Can't we just go back to the C. I. A?

In a minute. There's something
important I have to do first.

Mr. Spielberg, I have a talking horse...

and I think we both know what that means.

It's time to ride our
talking horses together.

[Man]
Steven.

He's right.

Bye! Have a beautiful time.

English - US - SDH