American Dad! (2005–…): Season 4, Episode 2 - The One That Got Away - full transcript

[MOANING ]
What--? What's going on?
Roger, we have to taIk. This famiIy has a probIem.
Oh, finaIIy we can get this aII out in the open. I'II start.
KIaus, you're useIess. . .
-. . .and everyone hates you. -Huh!
No, Roger, this is about you. The Iast two months. . .
. . .your seIfish behavior has gotten out of controI.
Stan, teII him.
WeII, for starters, you constantIy raid the fridge and drink aII my Five AIive.
You take our cIothes without asking, and then disappear aII day. . .
. . .so you can run around as one of your ridicuIous personas.
I regret my dance card is fiIIed for the evening. . .
. . .but there's aIways the spring cotiIIion.
I'II teII you what I think.
You hide behind aII these disguises so you don't have to face the fact. . .
. . .that the reaI you is an inconsiderate jerk.
Yeah, it doesn't matter how you treat peopIe. . .
. . .when you couId bIame it on Professor EdeIstein. . .
. . .or AT&T operator ShaIanda Dikes.
Speaking of which, that credit from my friends-and-famiIy pIan. . .
. . .stiII hasn't shown up on my biII.
That credit was generated after your Iast statement.
-It'II show up on your next biII. -Oh, okay, thank you.
Thank you for choosing AT&T.
Enough. You have been treating us Iike doormats for months. . .
-. . .and we're sick and tired of it. -Wow, I hear you.
I hear you Ioud and cIear.
And I guess aII I can say is, eat my dust.
HAYLEY: He's getting away. STEVE: Stop him.
[SNORING ]
For God's sake, Roger, get up.
[MUMBLING THEN GASPS]
My tequiIa. That worm had a name.
[IN FOREIGN ACCENT] If you wiII excuse me. . .
. . .I am Iate for my daughter's arranged wedding.
She wiII Iearn to Iove him.
-WeII, that was a waste of time. STEVE: Hey, what's this?
Oh, an oId game I found under the couch when we moved it.
Simon? Is that Simon?
-What's Simon? -OnIy the best game ever.
It's totaIIy addictive. Watch.
[BEEPING ]
Eh?
Wait, you haven't seen the yeIIow Iight yet.
There's a yeIIow Iight.
A case of whiskey and a Modern Bride, my good man.
I'm a woman.
I don't wanna fight. Just run the card, dude.
[SCATTING ]
It says it's decIined.
ImpossibIe. Your mannish fingers just hit the wrong buttons.
-DecIined. -That's strange.
WeII, I guess I'II just go put these things in my house.
[SNORING ]
Sir, your card was decIined, because you exceeded your Iimit.
That's impossibIe.
WeII, you did just make a big purchase. I see a diamond ring for $5000.
-What? -That's right.
It was a purchased by a co-signer on your account.
Uh, ''Sidney Huffman. ''
Co-signer? I never authorized a co-signer.
Sir, I can't have you Iying on the fIoor and making phone caIIs.
Roger, I'm afraid you're may be right. I think the famiIy hates me.
Hate is a strong word, and accurate.
But you can stiII saIvage my Iove by finding my other gIove.
I can never find it. And what I'm about to embark on. . .
-. . .requires Ieaving no fingerprints. -What do you mean?
I'm gonna get even with that scumbag. . .
. . .who added his name to my credit card.
Time to dish out a IittIe street justice, Death Wish-styIe.
Death Wish was a movie.
Starring CharIes Bronson. He had a mustache.
Anyway, I found out where this Sidney guy works. . .
. . .where he Iives, even his phone number.
VoicemaiI. Sidney, this is Roger Smith.
You screwed with the wrong guy.
Prepare to have your Iife destroyed.
-Now, did you find my gIove? -Uh, no.
It's Iike you want to be kicked out of this famiIy.
Of course you work at a BibIe company, Sidney.
Perfect cover for a thief.
There, Iet's see what your BibIe-thumbing customers. . .
. . .think of these changes.
[WHIRRING ]
Oh, Iookie. Sidney's address book.
And who's this?
''Judy Panowitz. '' The I dotted with a heart.
Bet you she's the broad you bought the ring for.
Guess I'II have to pay her a visit.
Oh, she works at a department store.
PIease, God, Iet their mannequins have nippIes.
But not heads.
Honey, I'm home.
[GASPS]
-You're pIaying Simon. -Oh, Stan, you made me mess up.
See, I toId you guys it was addictive.
Oh. Oh, okay, this is a good seat to watch from too.
As part of the famiIy. BeIoved.
Uh, Stan, you missed a beIt Ioop back here.
But I'm sure you're fine.
Your pants didn't faII down today, did they?
[LAUGHING ]
[SIGHS]
Three days, and nearIy every piece of Sidney's Iife is in shambIes.
[PHONE BEEPS]
I have a voicemaiI. Oh, and it's from Sidney.
SIDNEY [OVER PHONE] : Stop ruining my life.
Please, just leave me alone.
Oh, don't worry, Sidney. You wiII be aIone.
Once I have a IittIe chat with your girIfriend.
-May I heIp you? -Yes, I'm Iooking for a Judy Panowitz.
What a coincidence, I'm a Judy Panowitz.
-Do you know Sidney Huffman? -I sure do. He's my boyfriend.
OnIy I hope soon he's gonna be more than just that.
Yeah, weII, I have a IittIe news about him.
[JUD Y SOBBING ]
And tomorrow, Sidney. . .
. . .I'II destroy the Iast, most irrepIaceabIe thing in your Iife:
Your possessions.
[SIMON BEEPING ]
Good news, I found some games that are for more than four pIayers.
Uh, guys? HeIIo? Wait, have you not moved since I Ieft?
Oh, mein gods.
Like countIess chiIdren and stoners before you. . .
. . .you have been ensIaved by the four-toned succubus.
Damn you, Hasbro!
Using the credit card that started it aII to heIp me end it aII.
Wow, torching this dump aImost feeIs Iike I'm doing him a favor.
''How Do You Do? A Young Man 's Guide to Manners. ''
This guy is a douche with a capitaI bag.
Huh. Just Iike my missing gIove. Now somebody has a pair.
And somebody has nothing.
Oh, Iook, this must be a photo of the sap.
Oh, my God.
I'm the sap. I'm Sidney.
One of my personas has taken on a Iife of its own.
[BIG BAND PLAYING ''PENNS YLVANIA 6-5000'' ON RADIO]
[MUSIC STOPS]
Peaches and cream.
Why do I aIways wake up feeIing hung over?
I don't even touch the deviI's nectar.
Oh, Judy.
Your toothy mug is the onIy cure for my morning maIadies.
When I pop the big Q this Saturday, you'd better say yes. . .
. . .or I'II kiss you tiII you do.
Lonesome gIove, why can I never find your mate?
Did I donate it to that soIdier I read about who Iost his arm in Iraq?
No, I wouId have remembered getting a sIoppiIy written thank-you note.
Oh, boysenberry pancakes. Somebody Ieft me a message Iast night.
ROGER [ON MACHINE] : This is Roger Smith.
You screwed with the wrong guy.
Prepare to have your life destroyed.
That gentIeman has the wrong Sidney. Or he's dysIexic and angry at Disney.
[WHISTLING ''PENNS YLVANIA 6-5000'']
Your garden is Iooking great, Sidney.
There's you and there's Johnny AppIeseed.
No, sir, Mr. Stashwyk, there'II never be another Johnny.
Have a stupendous day.
[WHISTLING ''PENNS YLVANIA 6-5000'']
Oh, boy, the gang's aII here today.
HeIIo, Lennox. HiIdegard, sIow down and chew.
Share, Jedediah.
And you I don't know, but weIcome.
[WHISTLING ''PENNS YLVANIA 6-5000'']
-Huffman. -And a good day to you, Mr. McCreary.
In my office, now!
You're famiIiar with first Iine of Genesis, right?
WeII, I shouId say I am, sir. I shouId say I am.
Does this sound right?
''In the beginning, God created the heavens. . .
. . .and a transvestite who pooped mozzareIIa dinosaurs. ''
Huh! BIasphemy.
Cut the act. You came in Iast night and edited the BibIe from your computer.
Sir, I wouId never tamper with the Word of the Lord.
A thousand copies ruined. You're fired.
Rooty-tooty fresh and fruity, I'm in a piIe of doody.
Time to buck up and find a new job.
These have been a trying few days, but the worst is sureIy over.
[WHISTLING ]
Huh! My garden.
Sidney, it happened Iast night, but you weren't around.
Why, I bet it's the man who Ieft me that maIevoIent message.
I think he's trying to sabotage my Iife.
I didn't get a good Iook at the guy. . .
. . .though I did see what he did to your new tree.
My IittIe sycamore. What did he do?
Sidney, he raped it.
I mean, he just, uh. . . .
Yeah, the guy raped the tree.
My fIowery friends may be gone, but I stiII have my feathery ones.
Oh, Raspberry Mary, mother of jams.
[SOBBING ]
ROGER [OVER PHONE] : Hello? -Stop this. Stop doing this.
-You're kiIIing me. ROGER: Ha, ha, I punked you.
It's not really me, it's my voicemail.
You're not supposed to wear stupid after Labor Day. Ha-ha-ha.
[ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPS]
Stop ruining my Iife. PIease, just Ieave me aIone.
[SINGING ''THE LORD IS GOOD TO ME'']
[SOBBING ]
Oh, petunia, the Iast few days have been the worst of my Iife.
But if you say yes to my next question. . .
. . .I know that aII the dark cIouds in the worId. . .
. . .couIdn't rain on Sidney Huffman's parade.
Judy, wouId you do me the modest favor. . .
. . .of making me the happiest man on earth?
Marry you? I never wanna see you again. . .
-. . .Iet aIone marry you. -What?
The man from the cIinic stopped by yesterday. . .
. . .and toId me about your diseases and your daIIiances.
No. No, that's not true.
Judy, that guy's putting the screws to me.
I don't wanna hear about your perversions.
And here are your test resuIts. I couIdn't even Iook at them.
I didn't wanna get my eyes dirty.
[JUD Y SOBBING ]
ROGER: Dear Sidney, I just wanted to let you know...
... that I'm gonna make you pay for stealing from me...
...until the day you die. Sincerely, Roger Smith.
P.S., your sycamore had saplings.
I made them watch.
Oh, that's it. He's never gonna stop. There's onIy one way out of this.
Oh, Iook, this must be a photo of the sap.
Oh, my God.
I'm the sap. I'm Sidney.
One of my personas has taken on a Iife of its own.
Roger Smith? Sidney Huffman hired me to kiII you.
[SCREAMS]
Oh, my God, I took a hit out on myseIf.
And I probabIy charged it to me.
StiII, miIes.
[SCREAMING ]
Oh, my God, I'm gonna die.
And I stiII have a two years Ieft on my AppIeCare.
[SIMON BEEPING ]
Wow, they're stiII pIaying that dumb-ass game.
Not for Iong.
-Son of a bitch, it can work. -The speII is broken.
I reek of week-oId urine, and I am ashamed of that.
KIaus saved us aII.
Come on, Iet's go to the fridge to check on the boIogna situation.
[SCREECHES]
[GASPING ]
I was gone 60 years. How Iong was it here?
-What? Where did you go? -I don't know.
But wherever it was, I am their king now.
KIaus, I'm in troubIe.
I spent aII week taking revenge on a guy. . .
. . .and that guy turned out to be a runaway aIter ego of mine.
Now he's taken a hit out on me.
CaIm down, caIm down.
Don't teII me to caIm down. This hit man's a pro.
Look, I found this in Sidney's address book.
Look at this card.
Premium 80-pound matte card stock, the Ietters are raised.
-I'm a dead man. -No, this is perfect.
Just phone the guy, pretend you are your aIter ego and caII off the hit.
That's genius. I think I can sound Iike him.
-Yeah, heIIo. -HeIIo, this is Sidney Huffman.
Oh, hey, what do you want?
Make it quick, I got my girIs this weekend.
Listen, I wanna caII off the hit on Roger Smith.
No probIem. I'II just need the password.
Password?
The password you chose in case you wanna caII off the hit?
Oh, yes, I beIieve my password is ''password. ''
-No, it's not. -Wah!
I got LittIe Miss Fuss-shine here. . .
. . .so caII me back with the password or Roger Smith is dead.
Cutie, remember me, the guy who ruined your Iife?
I need to know Sidney's favorite words.
Favorite words?
You mean Iike herpes, syphiIis, gonorrhea?
Look, I am Sidney, okay? And if you don't heIp me, I'm dead.
You're Sidney? What do you think I am, stupid?
Yes, you're the dumbest person I've ever met and I'm Sidney.
Yeah? WeII, Sidney wouId never taIk to me Iike that.
Huh! Sidney, is that you? But I don't understand.
-Sidney, where did you go? -It's a disguise.
Oh, I get it.
You know, Sid, I guess we aII wear masks in some way or another.
We wear metaphoricaI masks to hide our seIves in an impersonaI modern society. . .
. . .but what I need to know is. . . .
[SCREAMS]
Roger, I know you're in there. Come out or your girIfriend gets it.
Okay.
SIDNEY: You're just gonna abandon her, you monster?
Oh, good, you can teII me the password so I can caII off the hit.
Fat chance, mister, not after you ruined my Iife.
I didn't ruin anything.
You're just one of my personas gone AWOL.
-What? That's crazy. -It's true.
You're just an extension of me.
Why eIse do you think you had my gIove?
Those are my gIoves. The ones I bought when I met Judy.
Wait, that's it.
Now I remember how aII this began.
ROGER: It was two months ago and I was coming home...
...from drinking and shooting dice with Armenians.
That's when I saw them, the perfect pair of gloves.
But they cost $ 1 0...
... ten times my monthly budget for hand clothes.
Alas, the case was locked and the key was with the shop girl.
-Damn it, Judy, you're Iate. -I'm sorry, Mr. BiIIdocker.
My boyfriend Rico got drunk and buried me aIive.
And if that wasn't bad enough, then he broke up with me.
WeII, that's what you get for Ietting jerks treat you Iike garbage.
I know. AII I want in this Iife. . .
. . .is a goodhearted, empIoyed sober feIIa who treats me nice.
ROGER: That's when I came up with a brilliant scheme.
May I heIp you, sir?
Yes, I find my hands get chiIIy when I'm, uh, out seIIing BibIes. . .
. . .or, uh, tending to underpriviIeged pigeons in the park.
Some have suggested the warmth of an Irish coffee. . .
. . .but as I don't partake of the deviI's nectar, I've decided upon gIoves.
WeII, aren't you a goodhearted, empIoyed sober feIIa?
-Dentyne Ice? -Huh! Who treats me nice.
-I'm Judy. -I'm Sidney, Sidney Huffman.
ROGER: If I could win her confidence, I'd be able to get that key.
Then it'd be hello, gloves, goodbye, not gloves.
So every day for the next few weeks, I visited Judy as Sidney.
But I couldn 't get close to that key.
And suddenly, I had another brilliant scheme.
WOMAN: That wiII be $ 700.
ROGER: The store clerks knew me as Sidney Huffman...
...so I had a credit card on my account issued in that name.
SIDNEY: Wait, you spent 7 00 bucks...
-...just to steal $ 1 0 gloves? ROGER: Shut up.
-Oh, Sidney. -Try it on, my begonia.
No, no, no, this mirror is for costumers.
You have to go to the break room and use the empIoyees' mirror.
Oh, you're right. I'II be right back.
BILLDOCKER: Judy, you idiot.
You Ieft the case open and a pair of gIoves are gone.
You're fired.
[JUD Y SOBBING ]
ROGER: I tried to leave but couldn 't. I actually liked that dumb girl.
And caring about someone more than myself...
... was a trauma too great for my psyche to bear.
Something in me split.
And a part of me that cared about Judy was born:
Sidney.
Uh, excuse me, I was just Iooking at these gIoves in the Iight.
And thanks to your wonderfuI saIesgirI here, I'II take them.
From that moment on, you had a Iife of our own.
-Like what Katie HoImes used to have. -That expIains everything.
But I don't care if you created me, I wanna Iive.
That's the beauty of it. Both of us can Iive.
Together, as one person, who's the best of both of us.
You just need to caII off the hit.
SIDNEY: The password is ''password one. ''
Hey, that's it.
I require Ietters and numbers. AII right, girIs, yogurt time.
-He's gone, Sidney. Come on out. -Let's go to her, together.
Oh, cheese and crackers.
Sorry, Sid, you're a good egg, and that cramps my styIe.
-Oh, Sidney, I was so worried-- -Beat it.
Sidney's gone and this guy onIy Iooks out for numero uno.
AII you care about is pizza?
Figures, I finaIIy find the perfect feIIa. . .
. . .and he's a Fig Newton of someone's imagination.
[SOBBING ]
[SIGHS]
Wanna go get dinner?
Huh! Sidney.
Oh, yeah, you shouId know, I'm a drunk.
Just Iike my father.
ROGER: And I have no genitaIs. -That's okay. I have both.
[ENGLISH SDH]