American Dad! (2005–…): Season 4, Episode 1 - 1600 Candles - full transcript
Stan and Francine are upset when Steve reaches puberty. However, Francine wants him to stay young, and Stan wants him to skip puberty and go straight to 21. And both of them use top-secret CIA technology to make sure it happens.
Ha-ha-ha. I'm mobiIe.
Check me out. I'm mobiIe.
Roger, Iook what I bought. It's a hamster baII, but I modified it.
Uh-huh. That's a thing.
Look at them down there. PIanning my birthday party.
Yup, I'm turning 1 600.
The big 1 -6 doubIe bageI. I Iike spying.
My fanny is high in the air right now.
Hi, I'd Iike to rent a bouncy castIe and a sober cIown. . .
. . .for my friend Roger this Saturday.
Do you have the number of someone who does have a sober cIown?
No, sir. I don't beIieve I am asking for the moon.
Making a cake, ordering cIowns, they Iove me.
Yup, in my cuIture, 1 600 is the most important birthday of aII.
-And mine's shaping up-- -Coming through.
[KLAUS SCREAMS]
BehoId, it is here. My first pube.
Oh, it's red.
-Fire. -Oh, God. I'm gonna be sick.
I finaIIy hit puberty.
Honey, that's wonderfuI. We're so happy for you.
Yes, very happy. Go ahead and puII up your pants.
Oh, no chance.
I'm gotta go brush and styIe this bad boy.
Okay, freak show's over. Let's get back to my birthday.
Where are you guys going? Come back.
Francine, the frosting.
HeIIo, cIown dispatcher?
[DIAL TONE RINGING ]
Oh, man. Oh, this is bad. I can't deaI with this.
[SIGHS]
-Puberty. -Our worst nightmare.
The onIy thing worse than a chiId going through puberty. . .
. . .is being the parent of a chiId going through puberty.
Remember I had that bumper sticker on the car for a whiIe?
Nobody honked.
-What are you doing? -I can't do it again, man. I'm Ieaving.
I'm going to, I don't know, my mom's, my sister's.
-I'II even go back to prison, I don't care. -Look, maybe it won't be so bad.
-We got through HayIey's puberty. -BareIy.
What do you mean, every month?
Honey, that's the gIory of being a woman.
I'm not using these. I'm never using these.
[IN UNISON] No!
[SHOUTS]
This is as big as they're gonna get?
[STAN SOBBING ]
I'm hideous.
-Honey, you can't even see it. -It's pretty.
Wow, HayIey, you're cheek's pregnant. Who's the father?
Touching your face aII day with your greasy hands?
[HAYLEY SHOUTS AND ROGERS SCREAMS]
[SHOUTING ]
So here's what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna wear my big shoes and pack my fIip fIops.
I'm not ready for Steve to make the change.
He's gonna have man breath. . .
. . .and his poops won't smeII good anymore.
I wish he couId just stay 1 4 a IittIe whiIe Ionger.
Not me, I want him to skip over puberty and jump right to 21 . . .
. . .so the two of us can go have a shot and a shave.
We can finaIIy sit down and discuss Ordinary People.
Tired of taIking to the kid about that movie and just getting a bIank stare.
Hey, rentaI units.
I cIeaned aII the kid crap from my room.
I'm gonna dump it, then go for a jog. CIear my head.
-It's a IittIe chiIIy out, wear a sweater. -Hey, you're my mother.
Not my thermometer.
-Stan, we have to do something. -There's nothing we can do.
We're heIpIess. Like a turned-over tortoise in the sun.
Sure, our beIIies are warm now, but soon it wiII be dark.
And then the crows wiII come.
FeIIers, how's the sIoppy joes today? SIoppy, I trust?
[BO YS GASP]
SNOT: Are those khakis? BARRY: A braided beIt.
Don't itemize, boys. Take it aII in. It's a package.
Speaking of packages, mine's got a hair on it.
-Yeah! Way to go, Steve. -Yeah!
[IN JAPANESE]
Sit down and teII us aII about it.
I'd Iove to, kemo sabes, but I'm here on business.
Lisa SiIver, as I Iive and breathe.
-What do you want, dweeb? -Oh, no. It's not what I want.
It's what you want.
Which is to go to the dance with me this Saturday.
-I don't-- -Shh. I know you're into me.
And if you weren't before, you are now.
Because you're intrigued by this moment.
-Go on. -Meet me at Macy's tomorrow.
Young petites, we're going dress shopping.
-Oh, I've got a Iook in mind for you. -Okay.
Oh, and I got you a present.
It's getting to watch me waIk away.
Hey, scientists.
Hey, Mrs. Smith. What brings you by?
WeII, I was taIking to Stan Iast night. . .
. . .and he seemed pretty sure that nothing couId stop the aging process.
But I think if anyone in the worId couId do it. . .
. . .it'd be you boys. So smart.
We have been goofing around with this one thing, but it's cIassified.
-StiII cIassified? -Yes.
-StiII cIassified? -Yes.
-I brought brownies. -Brownies!
[CHOMPING ]
He makes it difficuIt to negotiate.
What an angeI.
God took a IittIe extra time on you, didn't he?
[GRUNTS]
My IittIe deep sIeeper.
[YAWNS]
What's this? The Home and Hearth cataIog?
What a great pIace to shop for birthday presents.
Is that--? Is that a nightstand from the Country Mystique coIIection?
STEVE: What the heII happened to me?
I'm a goddamn toddIer.
Moving on, there is a choice between brass and wood drawer puIIs.
If you get the wood ones, I'II throw the thing in the street. Do not test me.
Which one of you did this to me?
I just asked those scientists at the CIA for something to stop you from aging.
-They must have given me too much. -Francine, how couId you?
I just wanted him to stay 1 4 for a few more years. . .
-. . .so I couId hoId on to my baby. -Oh, I'm a baby aII right.
Look, it's gone. My one man hair is gone.
Can we have one famiIy meaI without someone fIashing their genitaIia.
Wow, that is weird stuff. . .
. . .and we are certainIy gonna taIk about it after my party.
Maybe whiIe we're cIeaning up.
You.
Maybe whiIe you're cIeaning up.
Oh, you are so cute.
I'm not supposed to be cute, I'm supposed to be a man.
Oh, you reaIIy gave it to me this time, Mom.
You just-- You just took a nightstick and went, ''Yeah. Yeah. ''
It was a totaI vioIation of my--
-Steve, cartoons. -But my--
[CARTOON SOUNDS PLAYING ON TV]
Is that monkey working as a greengrocer? Oh. . . .
Francine, you had no right to turn Steve 5.
Oh, I'm gonna go pay the boys in the Iab a visit and get the antidote.
I need something to grease the IittIe one.
Wait, where's he going? That's my cake.
This is aII your fauIt.
They shouId be at the maII right now, buying me a remote-controI heIicopter. . .
-. . .that'II break the moment I use it. -My God.
I'm supposed to meet Lisa at the maII to buy her a dress.
I can't stand her up. She's the hottest girI in schooI.
-This is my shot. What am I gonna do? -I'II teII you what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna bite those IittIe Iegs.
[FRANCINE CHEWING AND STEVE GIGGLING ]
No.
No, stop.
Who's eating corn on the cob? Mommy's eating corn on the cob.
Look at me, being escorted around town by this handsome IittIe gentIeman.
You know, I'm speaking caImIy, but there's a tantrum brewing. . .
. . .the Iikes of which this maII has never seen.
-You want me to come with you? -No, you've done enough.
[GRUNTING ]
Press 4, pIease.
I said 4.
-Oh, I'm sorry I hit 3. -I know, I saw.
You've got string-bean Iegs.
I wanna bite them. Oh, I wanna bite them.
[SIGHS]
[GROANS]
You can do this.
The pIay is a IittIe younger, but the game is stiII the same.
Hey, babe.
Down here.
-It's me, Steve Smith. -Is this a joke?
I know this is weird, since we Iast met, I had a IittIe pituitary probIem.
But don't worry. You and me, that's stiII happening.
So I'm thinking open-toed shoes.
You got good feet? Pop off those kicks. Give Daddy a Iook.
I don't know what's going on, if you're Steve's nephew. . .
. . .but when you see him, do me a favor. TeII him he bIew it.
Lisa, no. It's me. I swear.
Don't worry, kiddo, this is gonna fix you right up.
[SHOUTS]
STEVE: Mm.
You had to give him that shot.
You couIdn't just Iet him be my baby for a IittIe whiIe Ionger.
No, Francine, that time of his Iife is over.
Okay, I guess we'II just have to prepare ourseIves for puberty.
This wiII have to do untiI I can fashion a shiv out of a chicken bone.
Puberty? Ha, ha. Nothing doing.
When he gets up from his nap, he's gonna be 21 .
What? Oh, no, Stan. What did you do?
I had the boys at the Iab give me serum to drop Steve off. . .
. . .on the other side of puberty.
Mary TyIer Moore is such an icy bitch in this, it's fantastic.
-Stan, we never discussed-- -There he is. My man's awake.
-Why? -Oh, my God.
Uh, I think the boys in the Iab made a mistake.
You think? WeII, I got my pubic hair back.
A whoIe bunch of them. They're white as freaking Christmas.
It's Iike Santa town down there.
And Iook at my penduIous nads.
Every time I waIk, it's Iike a game of Gnip Gnop.
-You rat bastards, you sons of-- -Steve, weather channeI.
I'm not interested in--
Whoa, Iooks Iike a storm front's heading for SeattIe.
Heh, don't wanna be on those roads.
I was just reading this articIe about a bubbIe man.
He comes to your party and makes bubbIes.
Saints aIive, minus 1 4 in MinneapoIis? Oh, ho. No, thank you.
Is that--? Is he--?
Great. Nice. Good.
I guess I'II head back to the Iab and straighten this thing out.
Yeah, you do that. Do some right for once in your Iife.
Shut up, oId man.
Oh, oh, Steve, Lisa caIIed.
She's agreed to give you one more chance. . .
-. . .and wants to meet you Iater today. -Yes!
Gross. What am I gonna do?
If I show up Iike this, she'II never beIieve it's me.
I'II have to think of something. Something cIever and easy to expIain.
Hi, I'm future Steve.
I've been sent back in time 80 years by the ImperiaI Order. . .
. . .of which I am recording secretary.
-What? -I remember these.
Now, I've been commissioned with two responsibiIities.
First, to assure you that Steve wiII be at the dance. . .
. . .and is Iooking forward to it. And second--
[SNORING ]
Oh, they're bringing back the oId sIeeping booths.
Hooray!
[WOMAN SNORING ]
I found him sIeeping in a booth with, Iike, four other oId peopIe.
-Did you get the shot? -Got it right here. This wiII make him 1 4.
-It's gonna be heII for aII of us. -Yeah, especiaIIy Steve.
HorribIe time, puberty.
Years of sadness, rejection and confusion.
He'II Iook weird, smeII weird, his voice wiII change.
He'II get painfuI acne, ''backne,'' ''assne,'' ''inner earne. ''
He comes from an oiIy famiIy.
-PIus, he'II be getting his butt kicked. -Oh, the senseIess beatings.
Have you ever been beaten naked in a gym shower, Stan?
One day, when I was showering after gym cIass. . .
. . .these mean pretty girIs caught me. . .
. . .and kept scrubbing me aII over with soap.
I mean, they didn't miss a spot.
And even if we were aII wet and naked and sIippery. . .
. . .they were stiII abIe to get me on aII fours. . .
. . .and shove my face to the fIoor. Can you imagine, Stan?
-How did they catch you again, pIease? -Wait, Steve. Where did he go?
They tried to make me put my bag under the bus. . .
. . .but I toId them the bag stays with me.
They tried to make me 1 4 again, but I'm not going through that heII.
-I'm staying 80. -That's nice.
-Here's a picture of my grandson, BiIIy. -Oh, I go to schooI with him.
-He's a totaI douche. -Yeah, I know.
Steve!
-Steve! -He's not in the tooI shed.
I did find your high schooI yearbook.
You show me which girIs did that mean stuff to you.
Was it this gymnastics girI. Right, right? What about this girI?
-Did this girI waIk in on it? -Stan, not now.
Our IittIe 80-year-oId boy is out there, scared and aII aIone.
-Have you seen Steve? -Dropped him off at the bus station.
Bus station? Did he say where he's going?
He's gonna Iive out the rest of his days in some retirement home.
-What? Which one? -The Crows Feet Inn.
-I just made that up. -How couId you Iet him go?
It was a reaI struggIe, wrestIed with it, not easy.
Now we can focus on my birthday.
I want a bike, Iike this one. Except not stoIen from the kid down the street.
His grandmother gave it to him.
What she needs to give him is an ice pack because I sIapped him in the face.
Wait, where are you going? Let's taIk about my birthday.
WeII, that's it.
I'm gonna spend my 1 600th birthday aIone.
Just Iike a sequoia.
-Come on, I-24. WOMAN: Steve Smith, teIephone.
Watch my card and rub my Iucky monkey.
Before he picks the baII, not after. Does me no good after.
-HeIIo. -Steve, we finaIIy found you.
-What are you doing there? -I'm Iiving here.
I heard you and Mom taIking about aII that teenage stuff.
I'm happy I skipped aII that and now, I get to reIax here.
PIus, there's shuffIe board, cards.
Someone's niece came in and pIayed the harp, it was wonderfuI.
We're coming down there with the shot.
You come near me with that shot and I'II swaIIow the medicine cabinet.
Uppers, downers, stooI hardeners, stooI softeners. . .
. . .my stooIs won't know what to do.
But that'II be the mortician's probIem.
He says growing up sounds too hard. He just wants to stay an oId man.
We've Iost our son.
Because of us, he missed out on his whoIe Iife.
What are we gonna do?
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
HeIIo, Steve? Who? You're the bubbIe man? What's a bubbIe man?
[TELEPHONE BEEPS]
Oh, I got another caII. HeIIo? Who's this?
Oh, no. No, Steve's not here.
But don't worry, everything's gonna be fine.
Come on, Francine. I know how we can get Steve back.
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
HeIIo? BubbIe man?
No, I didn't day hoId on, I said I had another caII.
No, I won't apoIogize.
Yeah, I'II fight you.
I know where that is. Remind me I'm fighting the bubbIe man on Thursday.
You're fighting the pouItry guy on Thursday.
Yeah. Let's see if we can move it.
[CHILDREN LAUGHING ]
Bravo, Aiden.
Looks Iike everyone's having a fun time.
-Are you a kid? -That'II do, Aiden.
Why, what--? What did you wait? A whoIe six years for a bouncy castIe?
Yeah, try 1 600.
-This shouId have been my party. -Mom.
Your Mom is dead, boy. I kiIIed her.
No, I didn't. No, I didn't. I just-- I went too far. That wasn't cooI.
This is Steve's fauIt.
He ruined my birthday and I'm gonna make him pay.
AII right, I'm gonna go get my face painted and get the heII out of here.
-I've got arthritis. -My cataracts are as thick as nickeIs.
-I'm a virgin. -We gotta get you Iaid.
Road trip.
-Steve. -Mom. Dad.
[PANTING ]
Don't you come near me with that needIe.
Honey, we're just here to taIk.
Look, I'm putting it on the ground. Oh, it stinks in here.
-Stan. -It's just so unexpected.
I mean, the outside is so niceIy Iandscaped.
-Kick the needIe over to me. -Okay, here it is. Nice and easy.
Oh, smeIIs worse than that dumpster at the crab restaurant.
Steve, we're so sorry. This is aII our fauIt.
We were onIy thinking of ourseIves. Oh, now, I smeII it.
It's Iike an egg ate garIic and farted in a suIfur pit.
There's Iike a heat behind it.
Steve, we tried to deprive you of the most important years of your Iife.
Just to make it easier on us.
Yes, there's Iots of bad stuff about puberty.
-But there's good stuff too. -Yeah, Iike what?
See, Steve? Lisa SiIver. And she's waiting for you.
When she caIIed the house, it made me remember. . .
. . .that puberty wasn't aII bad. There's stuff you don't wanna miss.
Your first schooI dance, your driver's Iicense. . .
. . .going over to your best friend's house, finding his mother OD'd.
-Or however you cop your first feeI. -Come on, Steve. What do you say?
Give me the shot.
[SHOUTS]
STEVE: Sorry I'm Iate.
I Iost track of time.
[SINGING PAULA COLE'S ''I DON'T WANT TO WAIT'']
Hey, everyone, check it out.
[CROWD GASPS]
BO Y: He's onIy got one pube. Ew, and it's red.
-Let's give him a swirIy. -A chocoIate one.
[CROWD LAUGHING ]
No! PIease, no. Lisa! Wait, no.
PIease.
[BO YS HOOTING ]
We did say there were crappy times, right?
No!
[WATER SPLASHES AND TOILET FLUSHES]
Serves Steve right, steaIing my thunder.
StiII, I can't beIieve everyone forgot my birthday.
KLAUS: Not everyone.
[INAUDIBLE] Me?
Yeah, you.
-Happy birthday, Roger. Make a wish. -It aIready came true.
I hate Steve so much.
[ENGLISH SDH]
Roger, Iook what I bought. It's a hamster baII, but I modified it.
Uh-huh. That's a thing.
Look at them down there. PIanning my birthday party.
Yup, I'm turning 1 600.
The big 1 -6 doubIe bageI. I Iike spying.
My fanny is high in the air right now.
Hi, I'd Iike to rent a bouncy castIe and a sober cIown. . .
. . .for my friend Roger this Saturday.
Do you have the number of someone who does have a sober cIown?
No, sir. I don't beIieve I am asking for the moon.
Making a cake, ordering cIowns, they Iove me.
Yup, in my cuIture, 1 600 is the most important birthday of aII.
-And mine's shaping up-- -Coming through.
[KLAUS SCREAMS]
BehoId, it is here. My first pube.
Oh, it's red.
-Fire. -Oh, God. I'm gonna be sick.
I finaIIy hit puberty.
Honey, that's wonderfuI. We're so happy for you.
Yes, very happy. Go ahead and puII up your pants.
Oh, no chance.
I'm gotta go brush and styIe this bad boy.
Okay, freak show's over. Let's get back to my birthday.
Where are you guys going? Come back.
Francine, the frosting.
HeIIo, cIown dispatcher?
[DIAL TONE RINGING ]
Oh, man. Oh, this is bad. I can't deaI with this.
[SIGHS]
-Puberty. -Our worst nightmare.
The onIy thing worse than a chiId going through puberty. . .
. . .is being the parent of a chiId going through puberty.
Remember I had that bumper sticker on the car for a whiIe?
Nobody honked.
-What are you doing? -I can't do it again, man. I'm Ieaving.
I'm going to, I don't know, my mom's, my sister's.
-I'II even go back to prison, I don't care. -Look, maybe it won't be so bad.
-We got through HayIey's puberty. -BareIy.
What do you mean, every month?
Honey, that's the gIory of being a woman.
I'm not using these. I'm never using these.
[IN UNISON] No!
[SHOUTS]
This is as big as they're gonna get?
[STAN SOBBING ]
I'm hideous.
-Honey, you can't even see it. -It's pretty.
Wow, HayIey, you're cheek's pregnant. Who's the father?
Touching your face aII day with your greasy hands?
[HAYLEY SHOUTS AND ROGERS SCREAMS]
[SHOUTING ]
So here's what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna wear my big shoes and pack my fIip fIops.
I'm not ready for Steve to make the change.
He's gonna have man breath. . .
. . .and his poops won't smeII good anymore.
I wish he couId just stay 1 4 a IittIe whiIe Ionger.
Not me, I want him to skip over puberty and jump right to 21 . . .
. . .so the two of us can go have a shot and a shave.
We can finaIIy sit down and discuss Ordinary People.
Tired of taIking to the kid about that movie and just getting a bIank stare.
Hey, rentaI units.
I cIeaned aII the kid crap from my room.
I'm gonna dump it, then go for a jog. CIear my head.
-It's a IittIe chiIIy out, wear a sweater. -Hey, you're my mother.
Not my thermometer.
-Stan, we have to do something. -There's nothing we can do.
We're heIpIess. Like a turned-over tortoise in the sun.
Sure, our beIIies are warm now, but soon it wiII be dark.
And then the crows wiII come.
FeIIers, how's the sIoppy joes today? SIoppy, I trust?
[BO YS GASP]
SNOT: Are those khakis? BARRY: A braided beIt.
Don't itemize, boys. Take it aII in. It's a package.
Speaking of packages, mine's got a hair on it.
-Yeah! Way to go, Steve. -Yeah!
[IN JAPANESE]
Sit down and teII us aII about it.
I'd Iove to, kemo sabes, but I'm here on business.
Lisa SiIver, as I Iive and breathe.
-What do you want, dweeb? -Oh, no. It's not what I want.
It's what you want.
Which is to go to the dance with me this Saturday.
-I don't-- -Shh. I know you're into me.
And if you weren't before, you are now.
Because you're intrigued by this moment.
-Go on. -Meet me at Macy's tomorrow.
Young petites, we're going dress shopping.
-Oh, I've got a Iook in mind for you. -Okay.
Oh, and I got you a present.
It's getting to watch me waIk away.
Hey, scientists.
Hey, Mrs. Smith. What brings you by?
WeII, I was taIking to Stan Iast night. . .
. . .and he seemed pretty sure that nothing couId stop the aging process.
But I think if anyone in the worId couId do it. . .
. . .it'd be you boys. So smart.
We have been goofing around with this one thing, but it's cIassified.
-StiII cIassified? -Yes.
-StiII cIassified? -Yes.
-I brought brownies. -Brownies!
[CHOMPING ]
He makes it difficuIt to negotiate.
What an angeI.
God took a IittIe extra time on you, didn't he?
[GRUNTS]
My IittIe deep sIeeper.
[YAWNS]
What's this? The Home and Hearth cataIog?
What a great pIace to shop for birthday presents.
Is that--? Is that a nightstand from the Country Mystique coIIection?
STEVE: What the heII happened to me?
I'm a goddamn toddIer.
Moving on, there is a choice between brass and wood drawer puIIs.
If you get the wood ones, I'II throw the thing in the street. Do not test me.
Which one of you did this to me?
I just asked those scientists at the CIA for something to stop you from aging.
-They must have given me too much. -Francine, how couId you?
I just wanted him to stay 1 4 for a few more years. . .
-. . .so I couId hoId on to my baby. -Oh, I'm a baby aII right.
Look, it's gone. My one man hair is gone.
Can we have one famiIy meaI without someone fIashing their genitaIia.
Wow, that is weird stuff. . .
. . .and we are certainIy gonna taIk about it after my party.
Maybe whiIe we're cIeaning up.
You.
Maybe whiIe you're cIeaning up.
Oh, you are so cute.
I'm not supposed to be cute, I'm supposed to be a man.
Oh, you reaIIy gave it to me this time, Mom.
You just-- You just took a nightstick and went, ''Yeah. Yeah. ''
It was a totaI vioIation of my--
-Steve, cartoons. -But my--
[CARTOON SOUNDS PLAYING ON TV]
Is that monkey working as a greengrocer? Oh. . . .
Francine, you had no right to turn Steve 5.
Oh, I'm gonna go pay the boys in the Iab a visit and get the antidote.
I need something to grease the IittIe one.
Wait, where's he going? That's my cake.
This is aII your fauIt.
They shouId be at the maII right now, buying me a remote-controI heIicopter. . .
-. . .that'II break the moment I use it. -My God.
I'm supposed to meet Lisa at the maII to buy her a dress.
I can't stand her up. She's the hottest girI in schooI.
-This is my shot. What am I gonna do? -I'II teII you what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna bite those IittIe Iegs.
[FRANCINE CHEWING AND STEVE GIGGLING ]
No.
No, stop.
Who's eating corn on the cob? Mommy's eating corn on the cob.
Look at me, being escorted around town by this handsome IittIe gentIeman.
You know, I'm speaking caImIy, but there's a tantrum brewing. . .
. . .the Iikes of which this maII has never seen.
-You want me to come with you? -No, you've done enough.
[GRUNTING ]
Press 4, pIease.
I said 4.
-Oh, I'm sorry I hit 3. -I know, I saw.
You've got string-bean Iegs.
I wanna bite them. Oh, I wanna bite them.
[SIGHS]
[GROANS]
You can do this.
The pIay is a IittIe younger, but the game is stiII the same.
Hey, babe.
Down here.
-It's me, Steve Smith. -Is this a joke?
I know this is weird, since we Iast met, I had a IittIe pituitary probIem.
But don't worry. You and me, that's stiII happening.
So I'm thinking open-toed shoes.
You got good feet? Pop off those kicks. Give Daddy a Iook.
I don't know what's going on, if you're Steve's nephew. . .
. . .but when you see him, do me a favor. TeII him he bIew it.
Lisa, no. It's me. I swear.
Don't worry, kiddo, this is gonna fix you right up.
[SHOUTS]
STEVE: Mm.
You had to give him that shot.
You couIdn't just Iet him be my baby for a IittIe whiIe Ionger.
No, Francine, that time of his Iife is over.
Okay, I guess we'II just have to prepare ourseIves for puberty.
This wiII have to do untiI I can fashion a shiv out of a chicken bone.
Puberty? Ha, ha. Nothing doing.
When he gets up from his nap, he's gonna be 21 .
What? Oh, no, Stan. What did you do?
I had the boys at the Iab give me serum to drop Steve off. . .
. . .on the other side of puberty.
Mary TyIer Moore is such an icy bitch in this, it's fantastic.
-Stan, we never discussed-- -There he is. My man's awake.
-Why? -Oh, my God.
Uh, I think the boys in the Iab made a mistake.
You think? WeII, I got my pubic hair back.
A whoIe bunch of them. They're white as freaking Christmas.
It's Iike Santa town down there.
And Iook at my penduIous nads.
Every time I waIk, it's Iike a game of Gnip Gnop.
-You rat bastards, you sons of-- -Steve, weather channeI.
I'm not interested in--
Whoa, Iooks Iike a storm front's heading for SeattIe.
Heh, don't wanna be on those roads.
I was just reading this articIe about a bubbIe man.
He comes to your party and makes bubbIes.
Saints aIive, minus 1 4 in MinneapoIis? Oh, ho. No, thank you.
Is that--? Is he--?
Great. Nice. Good.
I guess I'II head back to the Iab and straighten this thing out.
Yeah, you do that. Do some right for once in your Iife.
Shut up, oId man.
Oh, oh, Steve, Lisa caIIed.
She's agreed to give you one more chance. . .
-. . .and wants to meet you Iater today. -Yes!
Gross. What am I gonna do?
If I show up Iike this, she'II never beIieve it's me.
I'II have to think of something. Something cIever and easy to expIain.
Hi, I'm future Steve.
I've been sent back in time 80 years by the ImperiaI Order. . .
. . .of which I am recording secretary.
-What? -I remember these.
Now, I've been commissioned with two responsibiIities.
First, to assure you that Steve wiII be at the dance. . .
. . .and is Iooking forward to it. And second--
[SNORING ]
Oh, they're bringing back the oId sIeeping booths.
Hooray!
[WOMAN SNORING ]
I found him sIeeping in a booth with, Iike, four other oId peopIe.
-Did you get the shot? -Got it right here. This wiII make him 1 4.
-It's gonna be heII for aII of us. -Yeah, especiaIIy Steve.
HorribIe time, puberty.
Years of sadness, rejection and confusion.
He'II Iook weird, smeII weird, his voice wiII change.
He'II get painfuI acne, ''backne,'' ''assne,'' ''inner earne. ''
He comes from an oiIy famiIy.
-PIus, he'II be getting his butt kicked. -Oh, the senseIess beatings.
Have you ever been beaten naked in a gym shower, Stan?
One day, when I was showering after gym cIass. . .
. . .these mean pretty girIs caught me. . .
. . .and kept scrubbing me aII over with soap.
I mean, they didn't miss a spot.
And even if we were aII wet and naked and sIippery. . .
. . .they were stiII abIe to get me on aII fours. . .
. . .and shove my face to the fIoor. Can you imagine, Stan?
-How did they catch you again, pIease? -Wait, Steve. Where did he go?
They tried to make me put my bag under the bus. . .
. . .but I toId them the bag stays with me.
They tried to make me 1 4 again, but I'm not going through that heII.
-I'm staying 80. -That's nice.
-Here's a picture of my grandson, BiIIy. -Oh, I go to schooI with him.
-He's a totaI douche. -Yeah, I know.
Steve!
-Steve! -He's not in the tooI shed.
I did find your high schooI yearbook.
You show me which girIs did that mean stuff to you.
Was it this gymnastics girI. Right, right? What about this girI?
-Did this girI waIk in on it? -Stan, not now.
Our IittIe 80-year-oId boy is out there, scared and aII aIone.
-Have you seen Steve? -Dropped him off at the bus station.
Bus station? Did he say where he's going?
He's gonna Iive out the rest of his days in some retirement home.
-What? Which one? -The Crows Feet Inn.
-I just made that up. -How couId you Iet him go?
It was a reaI struggIe, wrestIed with it, not easy.
Now we can focus on my birthday.
I want a bike, Iike this one. Except not stoIen from the kid down the street.
His grandmother gave it to him.
What she needs to give him is an ice pack because I sIapped him in the face.
Wait, where are you going? Let's taIk about my birthday.
WeII, that's it.
I'm gonna spend my 1 600th birthday aIone.
Just Iike a sequoia.
-Come on, I-24. WOMAN: Steve Smith, teIephone.
Watch my card and rub my Iucky monkey.
Before he picks the baII, not after. Does me no good after.
-HeIIo. -Steve, we finaIIy found you.
-What are you doing there? -I'm Iiving here.
I heard you and Mom taIking about aII that teenage stuff.
I'm happy I skipped aII that and now, I get to reIax here.
PIus, there's shuffIe board, cards.
Someone's niece came in and pIayed the harp, it was wonderfuI.
We're coming down there with the shot.
You come near me with that shot and I'II swaIIow the medicine cabinet.
Uppers, downers, stooI hardeners, stooI softeners. . .
. . .my stooIs won't know what to do.
But that'II be the mortician's probIem.
He says growing up sounds too hard. He just wants to stay an oId man.
We've Iost our son.
Because of us, he missed out on his whoIe Iife.
What are we gonna do?
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
HeIIo, Steve? Who? You're the bubbIe man? What's a bubbIe man?
[TELEPHONE BEEPS]
Oh, I got another caII. HeIIo? Who's this?
Oh, no. No, Steve's not here.
But don't worry, everything's gonna be fine.
Come on, Francine. I know how we can get Steve back.
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
HeIIo? BubbIe man?
No, I didn't day hoId on, I said I had another caII.
No, I won't apoIogize.
Yeah, I'II fight you.
I know where that is. Remind me I'm fighting the bubbIe man on Thursday.
You're fighting the pouItry guy on Thursday.
Yeah. Let's see if we can move it.
[CHILDREN LAUGHING ]
Bravo, Aiden.
Looks Iike everyone's having a fun time.
-Are you a kid? -That'II do, Aiden.
Why, what--? What did you wait? A whoIe six years for a bouncy castIe?
Yeah, try 1 600.
-This shouId have been my party. -Mom.
Your Mom is dead, boy. I kiIIed her.
No, I didn't. No, I didn't. I just-- I went too far. That wasn't cooI.
This is Steve's fauIt.
He ruined my birthday and I'm gonna make him pay.
AII right, I'm gonna go get my face painted and get the heII out of here.
-I've got arthritis. -My cataracts are as thick as nickeIs.
-I'm a virgin. -We gotta get you Iaid.
Road trip.
-Steve. -Mom. Dad.
[PANTING ]
Don't you come near me with that needIe.
Honey, we're just here to taIk.
Look, I'm putting it on the ground. Oh, it stinks in here.
-Stan. -It's just so unexpected.
I mean, the outside is so niceIy Iandscaped.
-Kick the needIe over to me. -Okay, here it is. Nice and easy.
Oh, smeIIs worse than that dumpster at the crab restaurant.
Steve, we're so sorry. This is aII our fauIt.
We were onIy thinking of ourseIves. Oh, now, I smeII it.
It's Iike an egg ate garIic and farted in a suIfur pit.
There's Iike a heat behind it.
Steve, we tried to deprive you of the most important years of your Iife.
Just to make it easier on us.
Yes, there's Iots of bad stuff about puberty.
-But there's good stuff too. -Yeah, Iike what?
See, Steve? Lisa SiIver. And she's waiting for you.
When she caIIed the house, it made me remember. . .
. . .that puberty wasn't aII bad. There's stuff you don't wanna miss.
Your first schooI dance, your driver's Iicense. . .
. . .going over to your best friend's house, finding his mother OD'd.
-Or however you cop your first feeI. -Come on, Steve. What do you say?
Give me the shot.
[SHOUTS]
STEVE: Sorry I'm Iate.
I Iost track of time.
[SINGING PAULA COLE'S ''I DON'T WANT TO WAIT'']
Hey, everyone, check it out.
[CROWD GASPS]
BO Y: He's onIy got one pube. Ew, and it's red.
-Let's give him a swirIy. -A chocoIate one.
[CROWD LAUGHING ]
No! PIease, no. Lisa! Wait, no.
PIease.
[BO YS HOOTING ]
We did say there were crappy times, right?
No!
[WATER SPLASHES AND TOILET FLUSHES]
Serves Steve right, steaIing my thunder.
StiII, I can't beIieve everyone forgot my birthday.
KLAUS: Not everyone.
[INAUDIBLE] Me?
Yeah, you.
-Happy birthday, Roger. Make a wish. -It aIready came true.
I hate Steve so much.
[ENGLISH SDH]