American Dad! (2005–…): Season 3, Episode 16 - Spring Break-up - full transcript

#Good morning, U.S.A. #

# I got a feeling that it's
gonna be a wonderful day #

#The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face #

# And he's shining a salute
to the American race #

# Oh, boy
it's swell to say #

# Good morning, U.S.A. #

[ Chorus ]
# Good morning, U.S.A. ##

- Hey, have a little coffee with your sugar.
- Mm-hmm.

Oh, come on!
You used to think that was funny!

Yes, honey.
The first thousand times you said it.

You need to get some new material.



Maybe you need to forget my old material!

Jackson thinks it's funny, and he knew
about Wanda Sykes before anybody.

Okay. Your dinners are in the fridge.

I'll be at my parents all week while Bah-Bah
recovers from his hernia operation.

Mostly I'll be pressing down on his abdomen
to release gas, or ""fart him."

I wish I could go with you, Francine,
but I have to work.

You know, got to protect the country.

Please. I've been to your work.

You bowl oranges at plastic cups and
google people you went to high school with.

That's how I found out that Rebecca Green
is a real estate agent in Chimdale!

I came this close to not knowing that.

Francine,
you're not looking at my fingers.

Look how close they are together.

Damn, those sons of bitches are close.



Today's the first day of spring break,
friends.

[ All ]
Yea!

And we're finally gonna lose...

our fear of college-level number theory!

- [ Gasps ] we're not ready!
- Grow up!

Man, your suitcase is heavy!

Is what someone
less buff than myself would say.

- Feel my muscle!
- when I get back.

- [ Engine Starts ]
- [ Kisses ]

Aah! Oh! My foot!
You ran over my foot!

Nothing?. You used to love
the crushed-foot bit.

I'll see you on Thursday.

- Francine, wait!
- [Tires Screech ]

- Do you think I'm pretty?.
- Stan, I'm late.

why aren't you taking Stan?.

Did he do something?. Say you?ll buy
her jewelry. He'll buy you jewelry!

Jewelry! what, are you crazy?.
On your salary?.

I'm not going with her, Roger.
Not that she really cares.

Hmm. Say, wouldn't you rather have
this conversation with yourself in a motel?.

The place off the freeway is nice.

I guess after 20 years of marriage,
Francine is bored with me.

She's heard all my jokes, all my stories.

Francine hates you. You should kill yourself
in the motel off the freeway.

- Are you trying to get rid of me?.
- That's ridiculous!

why would I want to get rid of you?.
I love you! Let's have sex!

Go wait for me in the motel off the freeway.
Oh, too late. Here we go.

welcome, Rutgers, to Spring Break '08!

- [ Cheering ]
- Get your goody bags.

Inside are wristbands-
red for cabanas, blue for the beer line.

- what's this?.
- why, it's a butt plug, young man.

Yeah!

Roger, what the hell is going on?.

Last year I was watching MTV's
Spring Break with Carmen Selectra.

She was at a house in Cabo
talking to this total idiot.

""King of spring break, ' they called him.

""Wildest spring break ever" they said.

And I'm thinking,
"" He's king? He's king?

That spring break sucks! I could throw
a better spring break than that loser!"

I'm Scotch Bingelngton,
the true king of spring break!

My scepter shoots Chivas!

And this end dispenses Ludens cough drops.
I'm fighting something.

You're having spring break in my house?.

Yup. I put up a web site,
cold-called some schools.

Rutgers is here.
A bus from Georgetown is coming.

Central Virginia State.
Yes, it's a real school.

You've read about them.
Their mascot allegedly raped that stripper.

Remember?. He stayed in his costume
the whole time, never took his head off?.

She's lying.

- ## [Rock]
- [ Chattering ]

You did this in the time it took me
to walk Francine to the car?.

Get to know me, Stan. I'm amazing.

- I'm wasted!
- I'm so drunk.

I want to do everything with anybody!

- Oh, yeah! I'm gonna hit that.
- I'm gonna tear that up!

I'm gonna kill her with a bottle!

Here's the margarita waterfall.
Over there's the lazy river of beer.

Oh, and here's a giant tiki statue
that cries booze.

Five tears will have you on your ass.

Ten tears will have you on my ass.

Just kidding. I'm flirting with you.

- what is all this?.
- Spring break, Hayley.

I'm having spring break in the house.
Catch up.

Oh, my God! This is perfect!
I just finished my midterms!

I so need to have a good time right now!

- [ Coughing, Gagging ]
- Br- Breathe through your nose.

Breathe through your nose!

There you go.
You're doing it, my good-time gal.

- Roger, there's no way
you're having spring break here!
- Mmm!

Everyone, get out right now!
Come on! Let's go!

Party's over!

- Hey, have a little hot dog with your ketchup.
- [ Giggling ]

Little hot dog with your-

You're funny!
Are you a comedian?.

No. I mean- I mean, I am funny,
but I work for the C.I.A.

[ Squeals ]
Oh, my God! Tracy!

- He works for the C.I.A.!
- whatever.

In world war II
they were called the O.S.S. Let's go!

Oh, that's so awesome.

You, like, protect the country and noise.
You're a total hero.

Nah.

It- It can be pretty dangerous though.
I have to be in good shape.

[ Groans ]
Yeah.

Can I feel your muscle?. Oh, can I pretend
I'm a monkey and hang off your arm?.

- Uh-
- [ Screeching ]

Thanks.
[ Chuckles ]

- I'm Jessica.
- I'm Stan.

Are you here for spring break?.

Yes. Yes, I am.

Oh, good. You're on board.
Now I don't have to Taser you.

- Aww!
- Oh, you want it?. You want to see it?.

- Yeah!
- [ Screams ]

[ Cheering, Hooting ]

Hmm!

You thought he wasn't goin' down!
I always put 'em down!

[ Cheering ]

- ## [Rock]
- [ Squealing, Chattering ]

So then I fed this Colombian warlord
his own tongue...

and single-handedly prevented a coup.

Oh, my God. You are so brave.

Nah.

welcome to the Tunnel of Booze.

- In the time of chimpanzees, I was a monkey.
- what?.

Lie down on your skateboards
and open wide.

- [ Grunts ]
- [ Laughs ]

[ Both Coughing, Laughing ]

That thing is so awesome!

Yeah. Had it in my storage space
from when I lived in Phoenix.

well, I lived in Mesa. But when you say Mesa,
people don't know what Mesa is.

Uh- I mean, i-it's Phoenix.
I lived in Phoenix.

Scotch Bingeington,
this is the greatest spring break ever!

Oh, honey.
Of course you think that.

No, we haven't achieved greatness yet,
but we're gettin' there.

Hey, fatso! Get your dong out
of the margarita machine!

Look, just tell your mom
you want to switch majors.

She'll be mad, but soon
she'll realize there's worse things...

than having a broadcast journalist
in the family.

wow. You are, like, superwise.

You're interesting,
you're funny, and you're pretty.

I knew it! Look, Jessica.

- I should tell you, I'm seeing someone.
- Me too!

I have a boyfriend back at school.

But that doesn't mean
we can't be spring break buddies.

Uh- Uh, I don't know.
My girl might not like it.

- ## ["I'm A Yankee Doodle Dandy"]
- waterproof cell phone.

You're awesome.

- [ Beeps ]
- Hey!

Hey, I just called to remind you
tomorrow's trash day...

so remember to put the garbage cans out.

- Yeah, I know. I remember.
- well, you don't always.

You so chatty! Hang up phone!
Daddy need to be farted.

- Look, I got to go.
- Oh, okay. Francine, I miss you.

Don't be silly. I've been gone a day.

[ Sighs ]

You know, I-I don't know
what I was thinking.

- I'd love to be spring break buddies.
- Are you sure?.

- But your girlfriend-
- wife, and it's fine.

Besides, it's spring break, right?.

I'm pretending you're a whale, and I'm a
parasitic fish who's gonna eat all your algae!

- [ Grunting ]
- [ Laughing ] Oh, you!

[ Gasps ]
Ah!

[ Grunts ]
Oww!

That one. I've never hooked up with
a mentally challenged guy before.

[ whispers ]
Yes, I have!

we're finally gonna get boob!

You're gonna get a lot more than that!
[ Giggles ]

[ Speaking Japanese ]

we're gonna take you upstairs
and have sex with you.

Drunk, sloppy sex!

[ Giggling ]

I'm just a baby!
[ Grunting ]

- [ Grunting ]
- [ Glass Breaking]

- I have to go take a diarrhea!
- [ Glass Breaking]

- So, I'm still good to go if you are.
- Mmm.

Yes! I'm finally gonna lose my virginity!

- [ Grunts ]
- Carm, you made it!

It's Carmen Selectra.
Everyone, hide your wallets!

I'm just kiddin', bitch. Hug me!

wait. Carmen Selectra?.

- Doesn't he mean Carmen Electra?
- No! No, he doesn't!

welcome,
MTV below-the-line workers.

Take pride in knowing
that after this show airs...

I'm gonna be
the new king of spring break!

- I can't afford health insurance.
- Thank you.

That's very kind. whoo!

Lady Carmen in my house.

- Come on. Let's do this.
- Unhand me, inebriated temptress!

I shan't waste
announce of boner on you!

I'm going after Carmen.

[Man ]
# Everybody, everybody#

# Let's get into it
Get started#

# Get started, get started#
Get started#

# Let's get it started
Ha #

# Let's get it started in here #

# Let's get it started
Ha #

# Let's get it started in here #

# Let's get it started
Ha #

# Let's get it started in here #

# Let's get it started
Ha #

# Let's get it started in here #

# Let's get it started
Ha #

# Let's get it started in here #

[ Shouting ]

# Whoo-hoo, whoo-hoo ##

- [ Snoring ]
- [ Retching ]

[ Groans ]

Stan?.

[ Screams ]

- [ Laughing ]
- Oh! You fucker!

You totally had me!
You are such a fucker.

- [ Squealing ] Stop it! Stop it.
- [ Laughing ]

Okay, you win!
[ Laughing ]

Oh, you're getting wet!

Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho!

[ Sighs ]

- What are you doing, man?
- what?.

- with this chick. You're married.
- we're just buddies.

Splash buddies, looks like.
You were splashing her for so long.

- It wasn't even that long!
- Longest I've ever seen.

Be careful, Stan.
[ Gasps ]

- [ Babbling ]
- [ Snoring ]

Crazy night last night, huh?.

Yeah. Scotch was really blowing it up.

I hate that D-bag, but I owe him one
from when we were roommates in Mesa.

It's outside of Phoenix.

Carmen, we're ready to light you,
and I missed my kid's birthday.

- Thanks, Craig.
- wait!

I only have one virginity, Carmen...

and I want you to go home with it.

You're a sweet kid. Here!

This'll get you into
the V.I.P. party this afternoon.

[Man ]
# Everywhere I go people stop and they see #

#Twenty-five years old
My mother, God rest her soul, love her so #

# I just wanna fly #

# Uh, what you
Uh, what you want #

# Put your arms around me, baby #

Carmen here, celebrating
spring break in Langley Falls...

with our host, Scotch Bingeington!

- [ Cheering]
- Thanks, Carm.

Big ups to my boys, Sugar Ray, for blowing
up the crib, S.B.-style! How we do?.

# Spread your love and fly
Yo, me, oh, my #

# Spread your love and fly
You and me for life #

- Are you Tom Berenger?.
- Yes, I am!

- # Dance a little, stranger ##
- [ Roaring ]

I can't believe you have to leave today.

I know. I t sucks the meat.

I mean, Central Virginia State
gets, like, three weeks.

Even their creepy mascot.

You got a real pretty face.

Pretty, like a stripper's face.

You like trucks, pretty face?.

[ Sighs ]
I wish spring break could last forever.

Me too.

Stan? What is all this?

Francine!
Oh, it's spring break! It's great!

- what happened to your hair?.
-Jessica frosted it!

-Jessica?.
- Yeah. My spring break buddy.

Nice to meet you!
[ Coughing ]

Jess, we got to go.

Oh, I'm gonna miss you so much!

we'll be spring break buddies forever.
Bye, Stan.

Bye, Stan's mom!

Stan, what the hell?.

You're a grown man
acting like a drunk frat boy!

- You're being ridiculous!
- well, Jessica doesn't think so.

Jessica says I'm funny
and important and pretty!

That's great.
But it's time to get back to reality.

what about your job?.
And where's our furniture?.

I used myvaca days,
and I think somewhere near Phoenix.

Look, spring break is over, okay?.

Everybody needs to go home!

Spring break never has to be over.

You don't get me, Francine.
Jessica gets me.

After spending a week with her, I remember what
it's like to be with someone who appreciates me!

what is that supposed to mean?.

It means I'm going to Rutgers
to be with Jessica.

[ Girl Squealing ]

wet T-shirt contest!

Eh, give this one a four.
Don't feel bad. You've had three kids.

- I've had two.
- [ Gasps ]

[ Cheering, Chattering ]

Phew! Do not go on the beach
volleyball court.

You hit that thing with a black light,
it's gonna glow like a bedspread at Harrah's.

That's fine. I'll just stay here
and be a responsible adult...

while my husband's run off to live
in a fantasy world with Miss Laughy Pants.

Good! Have a nice life.
what the-

who's the prom queen
who can only handle half a Cider Jack?.

[ Doorbell Rings ]

Hi. Is, uh-
Is Jessica Raplansky here?.

I'm sorry. She's not.

[ Gasps ]
Are you one other father's war buddies?.

Are you here to take us for Mexican food?.

Mexican food?. I'll get my jacket!

No. No, no, no. I'm Stan, her spring break buddy.
Do you know where I can find her?.

She has Psych 1 01 at Boyden Hall
this afternoon. You could try that.

- Oh, my God! I'm so excited!
- Can I get flan?.

You think if I say ""no beans," they'll give me
double rice?. That's what I'm gonna ask for!

You know, Steve, I've been thinking
about what you said.

And... I'll do it.
I'll take your virginity.

Oh, that's wonderful news.

As you can see,
my bed is also a race car.

My medical records.
I'm free of all diseases.

Polio, mumps, whooping cough.

Oh, yeah. Right. No. Okay.

Now, if you?ll just call your doctor and
have him fax over your medical history...

we can get down to bidness.

I'm willing to have sex with you...

and you're not gonna put out
until you see my medical records?.

Nowadays you can't be too safe...

what with all
the wang-shriveling sex diseases...

my mom tells me about
during bath time.

[ Rings ]

- Hello?.
- Call me back!

- [ Sighs ]
- [ Phone Beeping ]

Long distance expensive.
So, what's going on?.

You see that Mary-Louise Parker movie
on Lifetime?.

- They cut her breast off.
- Mah-Mah, Stan left me.

[ Gasps ]
what?.

He went off to chase
some 1 9-year-old college student...

just because I didn't laugh at his stupid
coffee joke he's told a thousand times!

wow. Stan leave you.

- He right! If I him, I leave you too!
- what?.

You know how many times Bah-Bah
tell the pull-my-finger joke?.

Four times a week, every week.

And we've been married 50 years!

And it never funny. Not once.

It got a little funny about 1 0 years ago
because it hadn't been funny for so long.

But that was only for, like, two days.

I remember that.
we all went to the lake.

But every time he tell that joke,
I laugh...

because it make him feel good.

You laugh at his stupid jokes.

He tell you your bad dinner taste good.

- That what marriage is.
- [ Phone Beeps ]

Hold on.
I have another call. Hello?.

Hey, Frannie, some guy's pretending
to boff your garden gnome.

He's getting some laughs, but it's
a little disrespectful. what should I do?.

And causing us to determine that
the behavior's based on a conditioned resp-

# I just want to fly#
## [ Vocalizing]

- # All around the world statues crumble for me ##
- ## [ Radio: Drums ]

Stan?. what are you doing here?.

- I came to be with you. Hi, Tracy!
- Eww!

why's Tracy being such a bitch to me?.

Stan, you shouldn't have come here.

Look, Jess, I had such
a good time at spring break...

and I don't want that feeling to end.

Come on! Eat my algae!
Climb me like a monkey!

Stan! Are you crazy?.

That was spring break.
It wasn't real.

Are you trying to tell me
this wasn't real?.

I don't even remember taking this, okay?.

Just- [ Grunts ] leave me alone.
Go home.

what are you smiling about, Tracy?.
You still don't got a boyfriend!

Mmm. Mmm.

My doctor faxed it over. Some of the pages
are faint. You're low on toner.

I want your virginity, Steve!
I don't know why.

- Maybe because you make me work for it.
- Okay.

Uh, hairline wrist fracture
from a surf injury.

wisdom teeth removed without incident.

Yup, clean as a- Hang on a mo.

Says here you had an elective surgery?.

Right. I had my breasts enhanced.

[ Hisses ]
Yeah, uh-

Sorry, Carmen. I can't.

The first boobs I'm with
have got to be real.

- Lose the balloons, then give me a call.
- You're joking.

No. It just sounds like I'm joking
'cause I used the word ""balloons."

Francine?.
wh-what are you doing here?.

I came to find you.

Oh, Francine. I'm so embarrassed
about how I acted!

No. This is my fault too.

Marriage takes work,
no matter how long you've been in it.

I'm sorry I haven't
been making an effort.

And I'm sorry that girl
was the one to make you feel special.

I want to be the one to make you
feel that way... always.

- Francine, come on.
- what?.

Hey, have a little coffee
with your sugar.

Mmm.

Oh, don't look. Don't look. It's Tracy!
No, no! No, no! French me!

- Mmm!
- Oh, hi, Tracy. Didn't see you there.

I was just making out with my new babe.
She's a senior.

Yeah. Senior citizen.

Damn! That bitch's mind works fast!

Hey, y'all!

we've had a blast this week
in Langley Falls...

thanks to our host, Scotch Bingeington,
the new king of spring break!

- I'm sorry, but I can't accept the crown.
- [ Crowd Gasping]

This whole week I've felt like something
was missing and I haven't been able to find it.

I threw a good spring break,
maybe even a great spring break...

but not the best spring break ever.

I failed you and myself!. I'm sorry.

[ weeping ]

while our producers sort this out, I'd like
to make an announcement. Steve Smith!

I flew my doctor in on my private jet,
and I had them removed!

They're all real, baby,
so come and get it!

Yeah!

No!

Oh, my God! She's dead! Carmen is dead!

Oh! If only she'd had some sort
of cushioning on her chest...

something not real!

Fake, if you will,
to withstand the impact!

Oh, my God! That's it.
That's what's been missing.

It's not a real party until somebody dies!

This is the greatest spring break ever!

[ Cheering ]

I am the king!

- [ Party Favor Blows ]
- [ Cheering]

Bye! Have a beautiful time!