American Dad! (2005–…): Season 18, Episode 4 - Smooshed: A Love Story - full transcript

All my life, I felt like I was
just going through the motions.

Walking left, walking right.

As if I were a background
character in my own life.

And then I saw her.

We locked eyes.
And that was it.

I loved her instantly.
We've been together ever since.

They don't usually
let us talk.

I shot my first husband!

[♪♪]

♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪

♪ I got a feelin' that
it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪



♪ The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ♪

♪ And he's shinin' a salute
to the American race ♪

♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪

- ♪ Good... ♪
- ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪

Aah!

♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
*AMERICAN DAD (2005)*

[♪♪]

*AMERICAN DAD (2005)*
Season 17 Episode 12 (IMDB)

Episode Title: "Smooshed: A Love Story"
Aired on: September 25, 2022.

Wow!

"Wow" is right!

We couldn't sleep either!

Tomorrow is the big day!
It's all come down to this!

The overnight class trip!



To the most romantic city
in the world... Philadelphia.

Two nights. No parents.

You're going to literally fall
in love in the City of Love!

Well, it's the
City of Brotherly Love.

And, brother,
you're gonna fall in love!

[ All cheer ]

Steve, tell us again
about Milk Girl.

- Again?!
- Give us the goss, boss!

Well, as you all know,
she's a tenth grader.

Oooo!

She sits in the front row
of my AP Philadelphia class,

puts her backpack
on the left side of her chair,

and she drinks

a [bleep] ton of milk.
No cap.

I've been in love with her
from afar all year,

and this is the trip
where I turn afar...

into... a-close.

[ Both cheering ]

Is that her?
No.

Is that her?!
Guys, I promise,

when you see her,
you will know.

Eee!

Francine, please,
try to be cool.

[ Squeals ]

Guess who just transferred
into AP Philadelphia!

I heard you guys were
going to the US Mint,

and I've always
been super curious

about what money
looks like!

I figured we could sit together
on the bus

and you can catch me up
on other Philadelphia stuff,

like how a cream cheese
became a city.

- He can't!
- He can't!

Would that I could, pal.
See this cooler?

Full of milk.

I'm talking skim, whole,
almond, unpasteurized,

milk of magnesia, should
the unpasteurized be a problem.

So the plan is, I sit
next to her on the bus,

dazzle her with the milk buffet,
just lay a solid foundation.

By the time we get to the
Rocky Statue part of the trip,

we'll be practically engaged.

O-M-G, O-M-G, O-M-G!
That's gotta be her!

Francine: She's here!
O-M-G! Don't look!

She's perfect
just like you said

There is just something
so sweet about her.

And even though
I don't know her name yet,

I know we are destined
to be together.

Listen up!
I only teach this class

for the free trip
to Filthydelphia.

I look forward to it
all year.

I'm counting on you kids
to be cool.

Woo! That's strong!

This is my boy Marty.

Normally, I'd have some teachers
or parents chaperone,

but lucky for you,
Marty is in town

and he's looking
to get out of town.

[ Ding! ]

And now attendance.

I... I see, uh, Milk Girl.

There's, uh, Milk Girl's
Little Friend.

And, uh, yeah.

Y-Y-Y-You know what? It...
It looks like you're all here.

If you're here,
just get on the bus!

[ Indistinct conversations ]

[ Slurping ]

'Scuse me! 'Scuse.

Sorry! Coming through!

Um, what do you think you're
doing? I'm sitting here.

Steve: AHHH!

Unh! Aaah!

Don't freak out.
It's vintage.

This fox has been dead
for like 70 years.

I wear it to remind me
of my grandma.

She was a stone-cold fox.
Still is actually.

And what a bitch.
I really admire her.

I can't believe it!

That my grandma
is my best friend?

What? No.

I was supposed to be sitting
next to a girl up there.

I had the perfect plan.

We were gonna fall in love
on this bus.

Well, your "perfect plan"
had a fatal flaw...

Love doesn't exist.

Anyway, hi. I'm Ali.

Well, I'm Steve.

And that's insane.
Of course love exists.

No, it doesn't.

It does,
and it conquers all.

Me and that girl up there
are soul mates.

Which girl?

The girl drinking milk.

What's her name?

"What's in a name?"
Shakespeare.

So you don't even know
her name.

You're distracting me.
I have to do something!

Something embarrassing?
I'm writing a note

asking her out on a date
once we get to Philly.

Smart move...
Weird and embarrassing.

Pass this up
to Milk Girl.

I can't believe
I get to watch this.

Believe it, honey.

That's a ghost pepper.

AAAAHHHH!

Help!
Somebody help me!

[ Inhaler hisses ]

[ Gasping ]

[ Retching ]

[ Steve retching ]

Hi, Steve!
How's it going back there?

I need a drink!
Please! AAAHHH!

Heh! Nice try, kid!

You're an amazing
chaperone.

[ Panting ]

Ugh! Ahh...

Hunh!

Well, my life is over.

So, she got your note.

She says... yes.

♪ Love conquers all! ♪

Never actually met
Milk Girl, She says... yes.

But we've adjusted our wills
to include her.

Producer: Oh, we were hoping you
could tell us how you two met.

Us? He picked me up
on the side of the road.

Anyway,
back to Milk Girl.

She's a tenth grader...

Both:
Drinks a [bleep] ton of milk.

Roger: ♪ Bada BA ♪

♪ Bada BA ♪

♪ Bada BA ♪

♪ Bada BA ♪

God, I love Philly!

Philly is
the Paris of America.

Yo!
Wha kinda steak dja'get?

Wiz wit plus peetzer?

Mm.
Ye look it dem jawns.

Roger: Mm, the food,
the language, just gorgeous.

I can't believe people
wonder why I do this.

♪ Bada BA ♪

♪ Bada BA ♪

♪ Bada BA... ♪

Thanks for meeting me.

The janitor told me this spot
had the most romantic view

of the Holiday Inn
across the street.

Got milk? Heh.
Why, yes, I have.

So, I've been watching you,
not in a creepy way,

and I know I don't "know" you,
but I feel like I do,

and I hope you won't mind
me saying so, but...

I love you.

Oh, my God, Steve.
Of course you do.

And you do know me.
And you do love me.

Because...

I'm Reese Witherspoon.

What?

This is so great!

It is?
Yes!

I had to go undercover
as a high-school student

to prove to the studio I could
still play a 17-year-old.

They said if a boy
asks me on a date

and says he's in love with me,
they would make the movie!

So thank you, Steve.

You single-handedly green lit
"Election 2: Omaha Drift."

Wait.
Do you even like milk?

I hate milk.

I'm just
a really good actress.

Oh, my God!

Reese:
I also do my own stuuunts!

How did I meet babe?

Well, actually
it's a great story.

How did we meet, babe?

You don't remember
how we met?!

Okay.
Here's how we met.

Did we meet
at a Braves Game?

Who are these people?

[ Horn honks ]

And then Reese Witherspoon
just jumped off the roof.

This is crazy!

Have you seen these?!

What even are these?

You grab one,
you get like 30.

Philadelphia
is full of wonders.

[ Cellphone buzzing ]

Oh, my God. My parents
keep calling me.

What am I gonna
tell them?

I went to Philly
and didn't fall in love?

I think that girl in the fur
coat threw something at you.

[ Giggling ]

Hey! You!
What are you throwing?!

Eggs.
There's eggs?!

Okay.
This I gotta see.

Sorry.
I was just, like,

trying to hit you in the face
with all those eggs.

That's not an apology.

Principal Lewis:
Everyone shut up!

Marty is missing!
So is the bus.

Here is a napkin with some
places I think we were at.

Pass it around, take a photo,
commit it to memory,

w-whatever you have to do.

Here's the plan... buddy system.
That's all I got.

Whoever you are
standing next to

is your partner
for the rest of the trip.

Do not separate.
Do not lose each other.

I'm still rolling my face off.

It goes without saying
that everything

we were supposed to do
is cancel led.

I don't want to hear that you
guys were at the Liberty Bell

or Betsy Ross' house
or some shit.

You have one objective...
Find my friend!

Whoever finds Marty gets an "A,"

and whoever doesn't find him
gets an "F"!

Move, move, move, move, move!

[ Brakes squeal ]

I don't even know
where Reese Witherspoon

was hiding the parachute.

So you're, like,
dramatic, huh?

That's your thing?
That's your takeaway?

Don't you think
my story's insane?!

I once saw Gwyneth Paltrow
sunbathing naked

on top of a moving car.

Actresses are cool.

Can I tell you
what your problem is?

That'd be perfect.
Why don't you?

You have high expectations
and you think things matter.

But nothing matters.

"Nothing matters."
Will you listen to yourself?

If we don't find Lewis' friend,
we'll get F's in the class.

That doesn't matter
to you?

Now you're getting it.

[ Squishing ]
Oh, no! Gum!

There's gum on me!
Who would do this?!

This is what I mean
when I say you're dramatic.

I really thought
I was in love,

but she was never even
an option.

Are you right?
Is love not real?

It's good you found out now.
Some people never learn.

Oh, man.

How are we gonna
find Marty?

I'm a heartbroken child
in a strange land!

Calm down,
Dame Judi Dench.

My family moved to Langley
last year, but I'm from Philly.

This is my town.
Hand me that napkin.

Oh, cool. My dad's favorite
strip club is on here.

[ Indistinct conversations ]

- Hi. Hello.
- Yao. What can I get you?

Um, I'm hoping
you could help me.

Ye, ye, aright.
Wit or wit-out?

I, uh... I'm sorry.
I don't speak the language.

I'm looking for a large
drunk gentleman!

Okay. Ye need to get ya self
sorted and stop yellin' at me.

I'm so sorry.
It's just that...

I don't have a chaperone
or a partner or a bus.

[ Sniffles]
And I don't know anything!

And I'm all alone!
[ Sobbing ]

Oh, oh. Don't cry, dude.
I'll help ya.

Lou! I'm taking the rest
of the day off!

Anne Marie, I swear to Christ if
you do this again you're fired!

What did you say ta me?

[ Grunting ]

♪ Ahh ♪

[ Grunting ]

♪ Now I don't hardly know her ♪

[ Lou grunting and screaming ]

♪ But I think I could love her ♪

[ Needle buzzing ]

He's used the same needle
for the last five people.

It's fine.
We're sisters.

So, the guy
you're lookin' for

got his belly button pierced
around 2:00 a.m.

And then he drank a bunch of ink
and ran out.

Cool.

[ Needle buzzing ]

Does your chest tattoo say
"[Bleep] Dallas"?

Yeah. Cowboys
can suck my [bleep].

[ Clang ]

So, when are we gonna

start looking for
my principal's friend?

Yo, snot, whaddaya think
happens when you die?

I don't know.
Well, I do.

My uncle Jimmy fell off
the 700 level

at the old Veterans Stadium
trying to reach a foul ball.

He was legally dead
for four minutes.

[ Clang ] You know
he got that ball, though.

Anyways, he says
what happens when you die

is you sit in a room
waiting for God

to tell you if you were
a big enough Phillies fan.

Ohh.
I didn't know that.

I feel like I could tell you
anything, Snotter.

I'm really glad
you're my boyfriend.

- I am?!
- Uh, you bet your tits you are.

[ Gasps ]

[ Siren wailing ]

We've been almost everywhere
on the list

and have no useful
information.

Here's what we do know...

You're obsessed
with the little napkin.

I am not obsessed
with the napkin.

You're in a strip club, and you
haven't taken your eyes off it.

These women are off-duty.
They deserve their privacy.

So, they were here around
midnight, but got kicked out pretty fast.

I guess they kept trying
to pay for drinks

with a fake credit card?

It wasn't even a credit card.
It was a sticker of a cat.

They wanted
to donate plasma?

No, they came in
looking to get plasma.

They were very clear about
not wanting to donate any.

They did, however,
want to donate sperm.

Not something we do here,
but before I could answer,

one of them had relations
with our mail chute.

This is so stupid!
We're never gonna find this guy!

Aah!

Aah! Unh! I give up.

I know a great place
to eat close by.

It's not on the napkin, though,
so you probably don't wanna go.

Screw the napkin.
Nothing matters.

Hey, can you give me a ride
to New York City?

Or Washington, D.C.?

Or maybe we could go skiing
in the Poconos!

Philadelphia... three hours away
from a lot of great stuff.

[ Ding! ]

This place is the best.

I used to come here
all the time with my friend.

It's probably the spiciest
restaurant in Philly.

Can you handle it?

I'm a new man.
Bring it on.

Speaking of spicy,
check them out.

[ Both moaning ]

Oh, my God.

[ Moaning stops ]

Whoa. Hey, Ali.
What are you doing in town, bud?

Umm... we... uh...

We're on a field trip.

Oh, man.
That sounds lame.

What up? I'm Darix,
and this is Royce.

I'm his girlfriend!

We just said "I love you"
for the first time!

[ Both moaning ]

See, Ali? Love is real.
[ Slurping ]

We're celebrating at
our fave spicy restaurant.

We love spicy stuff.

Well, have a good...
field trip.

They seem fun.
How do you know Darix?

He's... my ex-boyfriend.

Well, not "boyfriend"
because he...

We don't believe
in labels. Or love.

Do you want to leave?

We can't just leave.

It will look like I'm upset.
And I'm not. [ Chuckles ]

[Voice breaking] I'm actually
really happy for him.

[♪♪]

Steve, don't!
That's a Carolina Reaper!

[ Crunch, flames rush ]

AAAAAAHHH!

[ Vomits ]
Ow! Ow!

I'll have
what he's heaving.

Hey. I know you ate
that pepper for me.

You think
I liquefied my insides

just to get you
out of that restaurant?

No way.

That hospital
was on the napkin,

and I'm obsessed
with the napkin, so...

I'm sorry you had to
throw up and have diarrhea

all over the place.

I prefer to think of it as
throwing up and throwing down.

[ Laughs ] Take my coat.
You must be freezing.

No way. I love this dress.
It's nice on me.

Don't be an idiot.
Take it.

[♪♪]

♪ Crimson and clover ♪

[♪♪]

♪ Over and over ♪

[♪♪]

My queen, why are we
hot-wiring a cop car?

Because we ain't got the keys,
ya dope!

[ Engine starts, siren wails ]

[ Tires screech ]

I saw this raisin in 2007
in the lobby

of the Ambassador Hotel
in Chicago.

It was just sitting there
on the floor.

And I thought it was a bug.
But, no, it was a raisin!

And now it's my raisin.

Guys, I'm sorry
I didn't call back sooner.

It's been a really wild
24 hours.

Why are we still talking
to you?! Put Milk Girl on!

Actually I have some bad news
about Milk Girl.

You're scaring us, Steve!

She's gone.
She was...

What the hell
do you mean "gone"?!

How could you let this
happen, Steven?!

- She was...
- We were gonna invite her to Christmas!

We made a jacket for her
that says

"Milk Girl
is in Our Family Now"!

Sorry? I-I didn't ask you
to do that.

Dad drained our pool
and filled it with milk!

What are we supposed to do with
a pool full of milk, Steve?!

[ Stan sobbing ] Umm,
guys, I got really high

and I accidentally ordered
a truck full of cereal,

and it just got here,
and I don't know what to do.

I tried to eat it,
but it's just so dry!

Steve, it looks like everything
just might work out after all!

Get the giant spoon,
honey!

I'm workin' on it.

[ Knock on door ]

I couldn't sleep.
I couldn't either.

I just can't stop thinking
about that kiss.

Me neither!
It was absolutely...

A mistake, right?
I mean, that's not us.

That's not who we are.
It obviously didn't mean anything.

So I think we should
just forget it.

Plus, it was unprofessional.
You agree.

[ Pounding ]
Everyone wake up!

Where is Marty?!
What the hell, guys?!

If you don't find him by
9:00 a.m., you're all expelled!

And I'll also kill you.

I'll start killing one of you

every five minutes
until he is found.

Starting... now.

I was just sneakin'
to my cousin's room!

[♪♪]

[ Siren wailing ]
I freakin' love you!

I freakin'
love you, too!

[♪♪]

I guess you've never heard
of Tasty Cakes,

or you would have thought
that was really funny.

Steve, it seems like you're
trying to be really quiet.

[Shakily] I'm not trying.
I'm just...

Roger: ♪ Bada BA ♪

[ Steve wailing ]
♪ Bada BA ♪

Oh, look. Steve's
running and crying.

♪ BaNaNa Na Na Na ♪

♪ BaNaNa Na-Na Na-Na ♪

♪ Ba-Baaaaa! ♪

[ Tires screech ]

Steve! Oh, my God!
I'm in love!

That's great, man.

Don't worry, buddy.
We're calling for backup!

Dispatch, we got a kid
smooshed between two vehicles.

He looks more jacked up
than the Phil lie Phanatic tattoo

my cousin Donovan gave me under the
bleachers at the Mummers Parade. Over.

- Steve! Are you okay?!
- Not really.

I knew it! You were being
really quiet before.

Well, now I'm hurt more
than before, like, physically,

but I was hurt
emotionally first.

When someone tells me
a kiss we had was a mistake,

it... it bums me out.

You're one of the kids
I met a couple days ago!

And I know what you're thinking,
but I'm not being dramatic,

I'm just being real.

You say you don't have
any feelings at all

and that nothing matters,
but it's an act!

You're the Dame Judi Dench,
not me.

I like you. I know that's not
a cool thing to say,

but I'm not a cool guy.

And if you don't like me back,
I can take it.

But you have to tell me
how you feel.

[ Doors close ]

Steve, let's talk
about this later.

No! Nobody touch me!

I'm not going
to the hospital

until you tell me
how you feel about me.

Fine. I like you.

Marty! He's back!
Ha ha ha!

You thought he was dead!

Crying in your room
all night. Ha ha!

I think everyone learned
a valuable lesson...

Marty always
comes through!

When we first met,
we hated each other.

I didn't hate you.
I just thought you were a dork.

And then Milk Girl
was Reese Witherspoon,

and we became friends.

And we're still
just friends.

I know you like me.
You said it.

- I'm not sure I ever said that.
- She said it.

You were smooshed
between a bus and a car.

I was, I was.

You were refusing
medical attention.

Yes, yes, that too.

Anyway, she's a tenth grader,
and I'm still in ninth grade,

so I'm not allowed to make
eye contact with her in school,

but in a couple of years,
we'll both be upperclassmen,

so we'll see
how it plays out.

Yeah.
I guess we'll see.

♪ Ahh ♪

[♪♪]

Bye-bye! See you soon!