American Dad! (2005–…): Season 17, Episode 22 - The Grounch - full transcript

You guys were right,
I read the ad wrong.

It wasn't
for a candy striper,

it was
for a candy stripper.

What is that, a joke?

Check it out.
Snot forgot his vest.

I guess we all know
what that means, right?

Uh, that's a "no."

Snot secretly takes off his vest
when he dumps out.

Oh, no,
he hides that?

Be proud, guy.

It's cool to poo!



Wuz dis?

Hey, this is about us.

It's a list
of the family.

We're...

ranked.

Ranked?

On what, may I ask,
did Snot rank us?

Hotness.

- Oh, my God!
- 'm not last! I'm not last!

I, uh...

forgot my vest.

Sit the hell down,
Snot.

'Tis the season...

for questions.



Gulp.

*AMERICAN DAD (2005)*
Season 17 Episode 22 (IMDB)

♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
Episode Title: "The Grounch"

Aired on:
December 19, 2022.

What is this, Snot?

First off, it isn't
some "weird" ranking

of who I'm personally
attracted to.

It's just
a super normal,

"kinda hard to even be
mad about" list

of the objective hotness
of my best friend's family.

Just to be clear,
I'm ranked number one.

Does that mean...? You're
the hottest in the family.

Your Honor, I have no more
questions for this witness,

except to ask if he wants
to stay for dinner.

I see...
I see I'm seven on here.

I'm just not sure I understand
the numbering system.

Please allow me
to explain my conclusions.

Mr. Smith
is ranked first

for his natural "talent."

The man has
the perfect body...

Huge, menacing torso

and legs that are mostly
an afterthought.

But the showstopper is a chin
that makes you realize

that nothing
is impossible.

Hayley is ranked second.

She oozes potential.

A deep beauty lies within,
but it's mostly hidden

because
she transcends fashion

and dresses
in absolute defiance of it.

Steve came in
a strong third.

His silky hair and soft hands
are great,

but it's dat faaaat a a a ass
that put him over the top.

Francine, I worry
about your drinking.

And even though it hasn't
affected your looks yet,

it's just so...

tragically... sad.

Klaus is a gorgeous shade
of orange.

Gazing upon him is like
watching a tropical sunset.

Jeff's feet are the perfect size
for his body.

And that concludes
my list.

What about me?

You explained
everyone's rankings,

but not mine.

I just don't think
it's fair to say

if it's something
you can't change.

Announcement.

I'm skipping work
for the month,

and this time not just
to play "Animal Crossing."

I'm going to finally
start my magazine!

Stan Magazine
is happening?

Yep!
For the first time ever,

there will be
a magazine...

for men!

Is this all
because my friend

thought you were attractive?

He's my friend too,
Steve.

Dad, there are already tons
of men's magazines out there.

Stan Magazine
will be different.

Stan Magazine will have reviews
of wrist watches.

And a sex advice column

from... get this...
A woman wearing glasses.

So there's irony at play
in this magazine.

Sorry I'm late
for breakfast.

I didn't get too much
sleep last night,

and I'm not feeling
too hot.

I bet you aren't.

I'm going
to the zoo!

Dude, one of the gross
hippos escaped!

Oh, no,
has a hippo gotten out...

Oh, no,
they're talking about me.

That's no hippo!

It's a disgusting squid
trying to sneak out

of the zoo
in people clothes.

My confidence is so low,
I don't even look human anymore.

Whoa, the zoo
got a monster.

Well, I've been to every bank
in the tri-city metro area,

and no one has the balls to
loan me money for my magazine.

Goddamn banks!

All they care about
is money.

How are you doing,
Barry?

I'm so sorry
for your loss.

I really miss Nana.

Now all I have
to remember her by

is the large inheritance
she left me.

Barry, my good man,
have a seat.

Francine, we have a guest,
bring this lard-ass some ribs.

I don't know
if you've heard,

but I've got a lot of heat
on me right now.

Oh, I heard
about Snot's rankings.

Congratulations.

I have an investment
opportunity for you.

Stan Magazine.

A magazine for men.

It's luxury
but also rugged?

It's political, but only
for office politics.

Dad,
can you please not...

Francine,
silence the boy!

Ahh!

Do you know anything
about launching a magazine?

That's a great question.

I've got some better ones.

What's Jeremy Renner's
favorite cigar shop?

Where does Gerard Butler
like to scuba dive?

Those are
the big questions

Stan Magazine
will attempt to answer.

I'll give you $600.
Great!

Barry, I'm so sorry
about your grandmother,

that she won't be here
to see you

become
a magazine millionaire.

Who cares what Snot, the family,
a couple of zoo workers,

and an entire Starbucks
think of you?

The barista asked me
to leave the store,

and then I could hear
everyone cheer when I left.

Klaus, this is the least
confident and sexy

I've ever felt.

Oh, no!

It's the Wednesday
before Christmas, isn't it?

Tonight's my legendary
Christmas sex party.

Sex! Sex! Sex!

What a disaster!

With your confidence
so low

and my Bangtivity scene
not finished yet.

I still have to glue
on Joseph's mammoth hog

and arrange
the Three Wise Men circle jerk.

Upstairs.

So, Rog, when are you going
to get in on the action?

Not sure.

Got my hands full
with these refreshments,

and after that,
I feel like it's time

I build that Lego Death Star
I got six years ago.

Roger,
you're being silly.

You're sexy as hell.

This is your party!

Get in there, Santa!

Do I look good?

You're giving me
a full-on Yule log, bro.

Uhp, coming through.
'Scuse me.

Hey, how's it going
over here?

There's a hippo in here!

Uh, that's clearly,
uh, a squid.

Okay, that hurts.

Heyo, how's the futon crew
doing, room for a fifth?

- No!
- Oh, God,

whatever you're doing,
can you not do it near me?

Sorry, sorry.

Everyone is just so obsessed
with sex at this orgy!

Whatever happened to a little
something called conversation?

Huh?
Sorry, I wasn't listening.

Tuttle is really getting into
the Christmas spirit...

Giving and receiving.

I thought
we could take a break

from all that humping
to share a nice Christmas goose.

Do we have to?

Yes.
We're going to eat, chat,

and enjoy each other's
sexiest body part...

You mean the ball sack?
The taint?

Is he talking
about the anus?

The brain!

Have you read "Dune"?

I keep trying to get into it,
but I don't know,

maybe I'm just not
a "Dune" guy...

Hey!

I run the clapper
around here!

Okay, very funny, everybody.
Where'd the goose go?

I'm gonna turn off the light
again,

and, whoever took the goose,
just put it back.

No questions asked.

Thank you.

Oh, no, did someone ****
this goose?

Who **** this goose?

'Sup, homies!

Dad, what are you doing here
and what happened to your face?

You think it's easy to stay
on top of Snot's rankings?

I had all the fat
from my feet and calves

put into
my cheeks and lips.

Hi, Snot, always good
to see you.

Now, Barry, I wanted to chat
about continuing

your investment
in Stan Magazine.

Don't forget your grandmother's
dying words...

"Support print journalism."

Her dying words were,
"Find my killer."

Look, I'm sorry,
Mr. Smith,

but this all seems like
a giant vanity project.

You think I'm gonna take
artistic advice

from my money guy?

No way.
You suits are all the same.

You're the one
wearing a suit.

I'm not giving you
any more money.

Very well,
you are dead to me.

I'm gonna go finish
my lunch

with the sexy
religious students.

You know, I always thought
that cleaning up

after an orgy
would be gross,

and I was right.

Klaus, I can't live
like this anymore.

Sex makes everything
so much worse.

So I've decided to swear
off sex from now on.

I'm giving it up forever.

I'm with you!

I'm sick of sex, too!

I don't want to get railed,
nailed,

Eiffel towered, pretzel dipped,
corkscrewed,

flat-ironed, wheel-barrowed,
or sporked ever again.

I'm done, done, done
with sex!

Sporked?
Sex, who needs it?

Not me!

My whole downstairs is
basically destroyed anyways!

I like your vibe,
strange woman.

Roger, professional uncle,
hater of sex.

Elizabeth.

You know, if we're both

really serious
about not having sex,

there's something
we can do...

We got married!

♪ Bum bum bummmm ♪

Good morning.
Good morning to you, sir.

Companionship!

Companionship!

Don't forget
I'm part of this too.

It's so nice not worrying
about sex anymore.

I can focus on the important
things in life,

like this
flavorless oatmeal.

And I can wear my night guard
all day long.

Ugh!

Mmm, this homemade
apple cider vinegar

is so much more sour
than store bought.

The birds are quite promiscuous
up here in the mountains.

Woodworking.

A true, lasting pleasure.

I can do this all night.

But it's been a long day.

I think it's time
to hit the hay.

Honey, it's 7:15
in the morning.

Oh.

Huh.

Shhh.
He's coming.

Why is dad dressed
like a villainous emperor

from a sci-fi movie?

Thank you, Xerxes.

The venom of this little snake
reactivates my calf fat.

It's what we in
the magazine business call

a "compound plumpening."

I have great news!

After a brief bankruptcy,

Stan Magazine will continue
to move forward

thanks to our angel investor...
Toshi.

Don't you have friends
of your own?

Not really, no.

Okay, let's get an update
from my writers.

Chuck Klosterman,
how's that hit piece

on that cheap-ass loser,
Barry?

It's a brutal take down
as requested...

Alright, that's enough,
chatterbox.

- I pay you to type, not to talk.
- Stan,

how many more tequilas
do you want me to taste test?

Um, I-I asked you to write
about lacrosse.

Finally,
Malcolm Gladwell,

how are those
wrist watch reviews coming?

Stan,
I tried to explain.

My writings deal with
the unexpected implications

of human behavior
in the social sciences.

Well, now you review
wrist watches.

And remember,
it's a men's magazine

so the highest rating
is five boners.

You heard the snake...
Back to work!

Companionship!

Companionship.

This is the life.

As little sex
and as much apple cider vinegar

as we want.

Was kinda hoping
that would kill me.

Mmmm, burnt-ass bread.

Who needs sex?

Not me and my burnt-ass bread.

We're doing great.

Hi, Time Warner, yes, I'd like
to lodge a complaint.

Dr. Phil is wearing
a tan suit today

and he looks like
a giant fat penis.

There. Done.

We've been here
for a while.

I learned
to play the piano!

What is that awful noise?

I don't like it!
Elizabeth!

Can you hear this?

"Uncle Tuttle's
Ballsackular Bang Bash"?

Elizabeth!

My Christmas sex party
has been stolen

by that pervert
Al Tuttle!

Elizabeth! The party
seems bigger than ever.

There's a line
around the block to get in.

Oh, man, Elizabeth!

You're not going
to believe this, but

there's a woman there that's
bitin' your humdrum style.

What a joke!
She can't pull it off at all.

She even has your same
back tattoo

that means "betrayal"
in Chinese.

Elizabeth,
you've got to see this.

Elizabeth?

Wait a minute!

I've been whatever is Chinese

for betrayed!

Ahh!

What is
all the commotion...

Roger,
what is happening to you?!

I don't know!

I think this is what happens
when my species

has been betrayed!

Or maybe this is what happens
to my species

if they go a year
without sex.

How do you not know?!

I flunked out of school,
Klaus.

Whoa, Roger.

I am not Roger
anymore.

Call me The Grounch.

The Grounch
Who Stole Sex-mas.

♪ Gonna have sex ♪

♪ Gonna have sex ♪

♪ Gonna have sex today ♪

♪ Oh, what fun it is to ride ♪

♪ On a random stranger's face,
yay! ♪

Now that the Grounch
had been betrayed,

he couldn't stand
anyone getting laid.

And every party-goer
liked sex a lot.

But the Grounch...

he did not.

The Grounch hates sex

and the people who have it
one and all.

Most think because his boner
was two sizes too small.

The Grounch couldn't stand

to see all these people,

every one of them so horny.

He said to the heavens...

I must find a way
to stop this orgy!

Right in that moment,

the Grounch got an idea.

A ghastly, gruesome,
Grounch-y idea.

I know exactly what
all these pervs need to get off.

Tonight I will steal
all their sexy things...

The Spank-A-Roos,
the Bungle-Fondlers,

and the Strap-On-Dill-Dolls.

I will ruin their big party

and give everyone blue balls.

His mission clear,

the Grounch
yelled down the hill...

If I can't have sex,
then no one will!

♪ You're a green one,
Monsieur Grounch ♪

♪ You have no sex appeal ♪

♪ You look like a furry booger ♪

♪ You're charming
as a dead seal ♪

♪ Monsieur Grounch ♪

♪ You smell like
three-day-old gym shorts ♪

♪ Worn by an incontinent ♪

♪ Shaquille O'Neal ♪

♪ You're an original character,
Monsieur Grounch ♪

♪ That's an undeniable fact ♪

♪ But if this does remind you
of some other creature ♪

♪ Don't overreact ♪

♪ The Supreme Court ruled that
a parody may claim fair use ♪

♪ Under Section 107 ♪

♪ Of the Copyright Act ♪

Where's
my Pee-Pee-Pump-O-Max?!

And I'm looking
for my Hoo-Hoo-Wax!

I can't possibly get down

without my
Rooty-Tooty-Booty-Snacks!

Hey, where's my Dingle-Dongle?

And I can't have
sex without my Vibra-Shlongle!

Has anyone seen
my Anal-Tongle?!

♪ You're a piece of shit,
Monsieur Grounch ♪

♪ You stink like
a Muppet's fart ♪

♪ You're a real bad apple ♪

♪ You're worse than Paul Blart
the mall cop ♪

♪ You're the worst
thing to happen ♪

♪ To the local community ♪

♪ Since Walmart! ♪

Tuck in that shirt,
this isn't fajita night at Applebee's.

This is fajita night
catered by Applebee's

for Stan Magazine's
launch party.

Alright, it's 8:00.

Time to open the doors
and let the riff-raff in.

Where's my riff-raff?

Dad,
I tried to tell you

that no one had RSVP'd,

but you just kept accusing me
of not

considering fashion
an art form.

Fashion is an art form,
Hayley!

Wait, no one's coming?

Put that back
on the pedestal!

What's with
the Pikachus on every page?

What?
You think it's too much

like all the other
men's magazines?

I'm sorry I'm not perfect
like you, Steve!

Noooooo!

Why must the beautiful
suffer so?!

The Grounch was happy,
his mission complete,

till he heard the sound
of sucking on feet.

I don't understand,
how could this be?

They're still having
the sex party?

And then he made
a realization

that made his face flush.

The spirit of sex
is too hard to crush.

The Grounch realized
that a sex party

isn't about toys, lingerie,
or lube with spermicide.

It's about feeling sexy inside.

But that's exactly
what the Grounch didn't feel.

I guess before bed
I'll have a sad bowl of oatmeal.

And that might have been the end
of our pathetic tale.

If the Grounch hadn't noticed
that he was standing on a scale.

Holy shit,
I've lost two pounds!

It must be all that oatmeal
I've been eating.

Dang,
I look skinny as hell.

Ho ho... ho.

That was the moment
that everything changed.

Suddenly the Grounch
didn't feel like such a grump.

The Grounch was feeling sexy
and he wanted to hump.

Ow!

Faint party music playing...

I want to apologize
to all of you.

I'm sorry I tried
to ruin your night.

Not good enough.
We're mad at you!

You know, you stole
Hideki's heartburn medication.

Not cool.

Well, if words
can't convince you,

maybe this will
change your mind.

Mmm.
Let us talk it over.

We've decided we want
to have sex with you.

Elizabeth.

I want you first.

Please come in.

There's snacks
in the kitchen,

a shower in the back,

and no finishing
on my iguana.

Huh, I guess I screwed off
all my green fur.

Well, I did it, Klaus.

I shtupped the whole town.

Congratulations, Roger.

Glad you got
your mojo back.

Yeah, me too.

I just don't understand what
lesson I was supposed to learn.

Don't you remember?

Confidence is sexy!

Oh, hi, Jeans!

So this was all
about confidence.

Obviously.

Goodbye, Roger.

I must now return to where
I live behind the moon.

Merry Christmas!

And happy New Year!

Bye-bye, see you soon!