American Dad! (2005–…): Season 16, Episode 15 - Comb Over: A Hair Piece - full transcript

Can I get a what's uuuuup?

Can you get a what?
No time for pleasantries, steve.

I've unsleeved the pudding pop.

that's right.

A lot of stuff has been going on
around here without my comment,

And I think it's time to...

All: Tell it like it is.

That's right. I
tell it like it is.

I call it like I see it.

Do I pussyfoot around?

I can't.



It begins now.

Hayley, you know what
I'm going to say.

the bicycle shorts...

The bicycle shorts
you wore last week.

I didn't see a bicycle.

Was it a fashion thing?

With a baggy sweater,
I-I thought...

It looked bad.

Francine, I saw on the
credit card statement.

You got a subscription
to master class?

Doris kearns goodwin does one...

You're going to become
a dkg-level historian?

That'd be the first time
anyone in this family.

Followed through on something.



Remember how you all saw
the movie "nightcrawler".

And you all wanted to
become nightcrawlers,

Selling pictures of car
accidents to the news?

How many of you are
nightcrawlers now?

We... we could... We
could be nightcrawlers...

Big mistake piping up, steve.

The other day, your hair
came down into your face?

No. I was getting
out of the pool!

You don't have a face where
you can ever let your hair.

Come forward like
that.

It's your nose. Just
telling it like it is.

Talk to me about hair.

Of all people. Good gracious.

What's that, son?

Is it a hard truth
you're muttering?

Hit me with it. I can
take it.

I said it's funny for
you of all people.

To criticize someone's hair!

You're bald!

bald... Bald...

Dad?

Ooh!

Bald! Bald! Bald!

Bald! Bald!

Pretty good steve
impression, huh?

Now do klaus!

what's up, dudes?

Klaus usually says "bros."

Aah!

There I was, blasting
them with the truth,

One of my best
tell-it-like-it-is-es-es,

And steve just knocks the
wind out of me with... with...

The truth?

Yes.

Ya know, stan, to tell
it like it is freely,

You must remove all
your weaknesses.

Baldness is my only weakness.

You know, there's a hair
transplant technique

I read about that's
very cutting edge...

Hair seeds.

"Cutting edge" is intriguing.

If you did it, I could
arrange to have your new hair.

Styled by none other than...

Get ready for this...

Josay bosay.

Who?

Are you serious?

Josay bosay?

He's my most celebrated
hair stylist character.

I have never heard of him.

Back in the '70s,
josay gave rod stewart.

What would turn out to
be his forever haircut.

You know what, roger?

I will get hair seeds!

I'm so excited, I
have to journal!

Is stan right about us?

We were so excited about
being nightcrawlers.

It's all we talked
about in 2015.

But how many times did we
actually go out on the prowl?

Not even once.

Look, did you all like
the movie "nightcrawler"?

- Yes!
- More than anything.

And do you still think
about it every day?

- Yes!
- Morning to night!

And do you think that taking
pictures of car accidents.

And crime scenes seems
like easy, fun money?

Together: Yes!

Then get out there!

No one ever uses
the fireman pole.

Not even me.

With my proprietary
hair seed technology,

Giving you a big,
beautiful mane of hair.

Is as easy as one, two, three.

Now, let's take the wig off and
see what we're working with.

I can't do it.

My... Head's under there.

I'm right here.

I'm too nervous!

What if I hold the other hand?

And now...

I'm a monster.

It's okay, mr. Smith.

As a professional, I see
this sort of thing every day.

Pamela, bring me some dramamine.

I'm looking at something
that makes me queasier.

Than any roller coaster.

These hair seeds are
gonna go nuclear.

When they touch down on
that cueball melon of yours.

Let's gas this kojak.

I-I thought this was
an outpatient surgery.

Shh.

it's
gonna be a breeze.

Stan, things are
going very badly.

Your body has rejected
the hair seeds,

And something went
nuts with your kidneys.

They swelled up
and got very big,

Then they shrunk
down very small,

Then they made a hissing sound,

Then they just
flat-out vanished.

I saw the whole
thing on ultrasound.

I was like...

What does this mean for my hair?

We need a rare double donor...

Both a kidney and a hair match.

Fortunately, I already
found the right person.

They're here, they're
excited to help,

And they're right
behind this curtain.

Looks like tuttle.

I'm going to insist the
donation be anonymous.

Tuttle: This is an outrage!

I'm a hero!

Stay behind the
screen. It is my wish.

Prep for surgery!

Let's get hairy!

- Aaaah!
- He's dead again?!

this is a nightmare!

My anesthesia's not working!

my
anesthesia's not working!

Shut up! Shut up!

Stan, open your eyes.

It worked.

hair? Oh, yeah.

And it was easy as
one, two, three.

Months in a coma.

I was in a coma?!

It's time to remove this towel.

And send you out into the world,

A man who has hair,

But no towel.

The fruit...

Of the hair seed.

Oh!

Ohh!

Ooh.

I look like the beast from
"beauty and the beast"!

Now I get to bring
you to josay bosay.

For your first-ever haircut.

I can't keep my hands out of it!

I love seeing you
so happy, stan.

Anonymous! Anonymous!

Uh, stan smith, here
for josay bosay?

Roger: Naughty boy!

Trying to read my
unfinished memoirs!

There's some juicy
stuff in that memoir.

When morgan fairchild
reads what I have to say.

About our hot affair, she's
going to be so very angry.

But she gets horny
when she's angry,

So more sex for me,
right, gorgeous?

Th... these are
scribbles. Not writing.

Oh, I can write.
And I can read, too.

I read a book that was one
majillion, but let's talk hair.

I want this haircut to be good.

Rod was nervous, too,

Before I gave him that.

Make me look like me.

The most me.

Et voilà!

You just became...

A butterfly.

I hate it. How's that, gorgeous?

It's a horrible haircut.

It's rod stewart's forever cut!

It's an out-of-date hair-do.

It's a hair-don't, frankly.

I gotta tell it like it is.

Josay bosay, you're obviously.

Nothing but a
washed-up dinosaur.

he looks horrible.

You look horrible.

We all look horrible!

This fool only
knows one haircut!

It's official... Josay
bosay is finished!

To the hat store!

stan,
what have you done?!

I'm ruined!

Josay bosay is ruined!

Hello, josay bosay salon,

We're ruined.

I need it fixed.

Can the hair artists
at fantastic sam's.

Guarantee total perfection?

I-I'm sorry, is someone
crying on your end.

Or is that coming from my house?

Several people are
crying there, you say?

Pube shapes are hot!

Josay is no-o-o-ot!

Terrible about josay, isn't it?

How you destroyed him?

And after he stood by you.

During your difficult
hairplug recovery.

Klaus, don't interact with me.

I, uh... I... I don't know.

I... I feel weird right now.

You feel guilt, stan.

No, I think it's
just that earlier,

I ate an entire hardshell crab.

Like it was a softshell crab.

Besides, why would I be guilty?

I was only telling
it like it is.

Stan, perhaps I can
tell you like it is...

Telling it like it is is mean!

And when you're mean,
you feel guilty.

And sometimes...

It feels like you ate
the wrong kind of crab.

Wow. When you put
it like that...

Well, so, what am
I supposed to do?

Support your friend
by lying to his face.

Reverse all your positions.

Say anything that will
make him feel good.

Klaus, you're a
genius and I love you.

You do?

Whoa, lying's easy.

I'm gonna go do it to roger.

Roger? It's josay!

Look, josay, I've been
meaning to say how sorry I am.

For what happened at your salon.

Former salon. You hated the cut.

Wrong! I love this haircut!

really?

But the awful things you said...

A misunderstanding.

You called me out-of-date.

Shyeah. Timeless!

What about washed up?

Washed up. Clean, tidy!

Okay, I see that.

And dinosaur?

Like a t-rex. He's
the king, bud.

Talk about your
misunderstandings!

Now, I'm ecstatic
you like the cut,

But if you want to maintain
that electrocuted bird look,

You'll need to apply
this constantly.

It's got a strong smell.

What... Is this?

A little home
recipe I cooked up.

It's starting to sting.

It's very astringent.

That's why I wear the gloves.

It's hair-friendly,
not skin friendly.

Well, I... I love it.

You know what? I
could sell this.

It could be the
key to my comeback.

I think a little's
getting in my...

Ow!

I mean... I mean wow!
This is great stuff.

I just have to get people to
love it as much as you do!

If that's even possible!

Am I a lucky duck or what?

I put out feelers that
I'm interested in.

Starting my own product line,
wanna spend lots of money,

And I'm immediately contacted
by roz and larry here.

To be my manufacturing partners!

They're complete strangers,
but they have a nice house,

And that makes me trust
them on a gut level.

Why is the factory
closed, again?

Oh, a skunk got in there.

Pissed or whatever.

Well, I'm convinced.

Stan, is this a great idea
or is this a great idea?

Or do you not like it
and think I'm a fool?

Uh, it's... it's great.

You're great. Oh, excellent.

Roz, larry, here is a check
for the last of my money.

Oh, great, but we
can do this later.

Uhp! Uhh!

that's
a good sign, right?

Eager to get started? Uh...

Stan, they have a
very expensive home.

They don't need my money.

I think this is an open house.

Could you both sign in?

So, I've been getting
quite the runaround,

But you're the right person
to help me stop a check?

Well, I wrote a check that
was my entire life savings.

Made out to cash earlier
today, and I'd like to...

Stop! That! Check!

Okay, thank you so
much! You're gorgeous!

They cashed it hours ago.

I'm a fool! A failure!

I know you know it, stan!

Tell me like it is!

Well, if you must know the truth

no!
Keep lying, stan!

Wuzzat?

The truth is...

Lie, lie, lie!

Wuzzat?

You're a great hairdresser.

Yes!

do you
really think so?

You're the greatest
hairdresser in the world.

do you
mean the greatest now,

Or of all time?

Um... All time.

Including the future, too?

How could I possibly know

yes.

Including the future, too.

"The greatest
hairdresser of all time."

I have to agree.

You know, I think
we're in this mess.

Because I forgot
it's about the hair,

Not this facocta product.

So, if I want to
get back on top...

I need to give rod stewart
a new forever haircut!

That's what worked before!

Oh, rod's gonna be so excited!

But I don't know how to
get in touch with him.

Hmm...

Aw, and it was
such a good idea...

Oh, man! Lucky duck alert!

It's a picture of rod.

I-I can read the squiggles,

But why don't you
read them to me?

It says rod's in town
for the grand opening.

Of one of his incredible
stew restaurants,

The art of stew by rod stew-art.

Rod stewart is the same
person as rod stew-art?!

Yum, right?

I can taste those big,
hard carrot pieces already.

Restaurant opening is in
15 minutes, mr. Stewart.

Eh, it's okay.

They can't make the
stew without me.

surprise, rod-baby!

I'm sure sorry we snuck
into your limo, sir.

I-I love your stews.

Josay bosay!

Give us a kiss,
you cheeky bastard!

Mwah!

Josay, why has it been so long?

Oh, I thought it was
because we were both.

After the smashing
victoria principal...

Legs for days, lot of cowlicks,
though, for a woman...

And when she chose me, I
figured it ate you up inside.

Josay, I-I thought
you were a homosexual?

Oh, yeah.

Anyway, rod, there's
not much time.

I'm very impressed by all
the success you've had.

With the stew restaurants.

Mmmwah.

What a great new
chapter for you.

Speaking of new
chapters, I want one.

And what better way
for me to have one.

Than by giving you a
brand-new hairstyle.

To be revealed at
the grand opening.

Of one of your suburban
stew restaurants?

Seems like a strange plan.

It's not. It's a very good plan.

Just ask stan. He's on board.

The bloke with the great hair?

That's stan.

My most supportive friend.

Now, let's get cracking.

Absolutely not, bosay!

Stan, he's not letting me do it!

Stan, help!

Did we just kidnap rod stewart?

Rod stewart: Yes, you did!

Okay, that's one vote.

Memphis: Greg, here's
what we know...

We know rod stewart's
limousine was hijacked.

At the opening of his
new stew restaurant.

We know his stews are
really flavorful, very rich.

We know rod stewart is...

I want to say australian?

As you can see, the police
have them well-surrounded.

I imagine whoever is in there.

Cannot feel too good
about their prospects.

I'm
feeling good about this.

Let's cut your hair and
become fabulous together.

Again.

Josay, please stop the limo.

I'm scared for all our lives.

Stan: Roger, what's
happening back there?

The headline is
"I'm feeling good."

Rod's warming up.

His eyes aren't doing
as much fearful darting.

Few more laps around
the ol' highway.

And I think he'll
let me cut him.

Rod stewart: Oh, dear.

And here they come to
get their pictures,

Those disgusting,
scum-sucking...

Nightcrawlers!

If the kidnappers are a
bunch of babes with big ones,

We could be looking at 50 gs.

Yeahhh. We gotta get closer.

If rod stewart is killed.

And we're not there
to get the picture,

Well, then, are we even
loathsome nightcrawlers at all?

Could be a shootout.

Might crash. Might
fireball. Yeah.

Might fireball, boom. Boom!

Look! We can get from the
off-ramp to the on-ramp,

Blow right past the police line.

fireball!

Punch it, punch it,
punch it, yeah, yeah!

Nowwww...

Punch it!

Noooo! You said punch it!

The last one I switched
it to mean brake!

Punch the brake!

Officer blatt: Those
gotdamt nightcrawlers!

Greg: Nightcrawlers,
desperate for magic footage.

Of a celebrity death,
have caused an accident.

Their pursuit of senselessly
gratuitous coverage.

Sickens me to the very core
of my journalistic integrity.

Should we cut the feed?
Don't be a nitwit.

What if there's a fireball?

Rod, pleeeeease!

No!

Bla-dow!

It's time to give up!

Oh, good, you're coming back.

I forgot to tell you, roz
and larry reached out.

It was a misunderstanding,
but to get me my money back,

They needed my social
security number.

Great news, right?

Shut up! Shut your mouth!

I felt guilty
and I overcorrected,

But all this lying to be nice
has made everything terrible!

Terrible? In what way?

I have no choice now but
to tell you like it is.

Only this time, I'm
going to try to add in...

Some kindness.

Okay.

I'm scared, but I'm ready.

You're an ass.

Your mind is an explosive
source of shitty ideas,

And all to do what?

Revive a career that didn't
matter to begin with?

You're a terrible stylist.

Aside from a total
lack of taste,

You're also just not
a good haircutter,

On a craftsman level.

Scissor skills are zero.

Everyone knows
you're illiterate,

So it's excruciating when you
keep showing people your book,

Or pretend to sit down
with that big quill pen.

Your breath... the...
the kindness, please?

When is it? When is it?!

you...

Make me feel bad when I say how
awful you are at everything.

Because you're nice
to me.

You make me wish I thought
you were a better man.

Wow.

Yeah.

But you're not.

Sweet maggie may,

Both of you are trying so
hard to change, to grow.

And maybe I've been
stuck in a rut myself.

Josay... Let's do it.

This has been a long
time coming, roddy-boy.

Eh, the haircut.
L-let's do the haircut.

I'm horny for that, too.

Seems like someone
should sing...

I hadn't prepared...

It's me!

They kidnapped rod!

Murder them!

It's... it's not rod stewart.

It's some old skeleton with a
different out-of-date haircut.

Roger: It's the clooney!

Rod stewart isn't here!

And maybe he never even existed!

Let's go home!

Rod, you may have noticed
some similarities.

Between the song I
sang in the limo.

And your song "forever young".

Rod stewart: Yeah,
kind of. Stan: Great.

Then you'll understand
why I'm suing you.

Have a great night!