American Dad! (2005–…): Season 16, Episode 14 - Flush After Reading - full transcript
Francine escapes an embarrassing situation before getting lost in a good book (or five) with Roger; Stan reluctantly spends time at the library.
Even the icecream has
fish bones in it.
I 'unno.
I dig it.
Welp, gotta go.
Got a date with the library.
Gotta get my read on!
We believe you,
honey.
Peace!
There's no wayyyy Mom's reading
at the library every night.
She won't even go
to a restaurant
if it doesn't have
a picture menu.
Of course she's not
actually at the library!
She knows I could
never smooch a bookworm,
let alone do it with one.
I got twenty says Mom's
actually been sneaking
her pet orangutan into the zoo
after hours so it can get laid.
Well, this, of course, hinges
on my other long-standing theory
that Mom has
a secret pet orangutan.
Ben Frank says she's sneakin'
off to be a Patch Adams.
Going to hospitals and goofing
off to get those uptight doctors
to stop taking themselves
so seriously.
Guys, I need to get
something off my chest.
I'm... struggling
with depression.
I'm in the darkest place
- I've ever been...
- Ooh, ooh!
I have a fiver says
Francine is carrying buckets.
Maybe down a road...
or at a...
bucket... factory.
Super interesting.
But didn't you have
the CIA
put a tracking device
on Mom's car?
That's so I can know
where your mom is at all times
so I can control her.
But I don't want to use it
for other, twisted reasons.
But isn't this
wanting to know
where she is
so you can control her?
No, no, it's not.
Oh, wait! Yeah, it is!
The tracker confirms
Francine's at the... library!
Hi, Jolene.
Hey, Francine!
Oh, I put some new
reading materials
in the restroom
for you.
- Did you say something?
- I said...
thanks!
♪ Good morning, USA
♪ I got a feelin' that it's gonna
be a wonderful day ♪
♪ The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ♪
♪ And he's shinin' a salute
to the American race ♪
♪ Oh, boy,
it's swell to say ♪
- ♪ Goo.. ♪
- ♪ Good morning, USA
Aah!
♪ Good morning, USA
*AMERICAN DAD*
Season 16 Episode 14 (IMDB)
Episode Title: "Flush After Reading"
I can't believe this!
Francine's a bookworm!
We're not a family of nerds!
We're a family of jocks!
Except for...
Steve.
You did this!
Look!
He's got glasses, Stan!
Knock 'em off!
Knock 'em off!
Mom's the one at the library!
I like TV!
T-That's what
the glasses are for!
Oh, Francine! This isn't
how it's supposed to be!
We were going to
grow old together!
And then I would be
the first to die,
she would mourn me for 17 months
and start dating Jackson.
That was the plan!
Did she forget the plan?!
We can't do the plan
if she's a bookworm!
I gotta go down
to that library!
Goodbye, cruel world.
I just tried
to drown myself.
Smell like
Totino pizza roll.
This Steve turd.
Rogu, we have a pool.
Rogu collect
doo-doo data.
As a parent, I'm mad,
but as a scientist,
my instinct
is to encourage this.
Rogu missing
one doody, though.
Francine.
Really?
Francine's super regular.
She always used to poop
right after dinner.
Francine's not going to
the library to read words!
She's going there
to leave turds!
But why?
Who cares?
I know someone who would care
quite a bit.
Sherlock Groans,
poop detective!
I gotta get to the library
to solve the case
of the displaced doo-doo.
Otherwise my nemesis Nancy Poo
might beat me to it
or, worse,
the Farty Boys.
So you can see
how serious this is, Rogu.
Yes.
Time is of
the ass-scents.
Ah. Good one!
Daddy's proud.
But not too much.
I'm kind of the star here.
- Ah-ha!
- Aah!
What are you doing?!
What are you doing?
Sorry. I-I-I know
what you're doing.
But... But why?
But also, hi!
Please tell me my wife
isn't really here!
Hm, what does she look like?
She's got the hair.
Uh, couple little feet.
Does she have the boobs?
Yes!
Ohh! Francine!
She's in the bathroom.
Thank God! Maybe
I can stop her before she reads.
Mystery fans everywhere
need to know.
Why are you coming to
the library to do your business?
- I don't want to talk about it!
- Come on!
I got dressed up in my Sherlock
Groans outfit and everything!
It's embarrassing.
Uh, which part?
The hat?
Or, like, this little cape
on my shoulders?
Francine!
Are you in there?
Is that Stan?
Yeah, he's on some jock mission
to not let you read like a nerd.
Francine, we need to talk
about how you're... a reader.
- Told ya.
- Stan can't know I come here to poop!
Maybe...
hide me in the toilet?
Are you kidding?
That's the first place he'll look!
Remember? That's
the first place I looked.
Damn it, Francine!
I'm slowly building up
the courage to enter
the women's room!
You gotta hide me!
I could use
my alien powers
to place us in one
of these stories.
- You can do that?!
- You know it!
But I've never done it before,
so it could be
highly risky.
It could also be smooth sailing.
Lots of variables here.
I'm a poop detective,
not a book scientist.
Roger, put me
in the damn book!
How 'bout we take a trip
to the ballroom?
That sounds fun.
Francine?
Francine!
Francine!
Did I say that
out loud?
Where the hell
did she go?
Oh, my God! It worked!
We escaped!
Oh, this kind of ballroom.
Someone stole this
poor woman's clothes!
I can see her ankles!
Perhaps she's
a prostitute.
I'm not a prostitute!
For the right amount of money,
anyone's a prostitute.
That's, like,
Being Alive 101.
She's so exotic!
She must be Italian!
That's correctamundo.
A-Lisa Lampanelli.
Ooh! Please!
Sing us a song!
Italy has the most
wonderful music.
Follow my lead.
♪ When the moon
- ♪ Hits your eye
- ♪ Hits your eye
- ♪ Like a big pizza pie ♪
- He's a big pizza guy... pie! ♪
♪ That's amore!
♪ Tuesdays with Morrie!
So... I guess we just hang out
in "Pride and Prejudice"
until Stan gives up and stops
searching the library for me?
Yeah, about that...
Since I helped you escape,
you gotta tell me
why you poop at the library.
It's because
of what happened
two years ago
on our flight to Maui.
I had the barbacoa tacos
from Taco King before takeoff,
and it ripped through me
at 10,000 feet.
I was locked in the lavatory
for a solid hour.
Fortunately, Stan was watching
"Son of the Mask,"
so he didn't notice
I was gone.
Okay, so you had diarrhea
on a plane.
I don't understand
the embarrassment.
My mom always told me
to preserve some mystery
in marriage.
Your mom who shaves her
bikini line at the hotel pool?
Just let me say...
not all plane accidents
involve a crash.
After I dropped that stink bomb,
it was bad.
It was
"emergency land the plane
because it stinks
so bad" bad.
- No!
- In Omaha.
No!
I've never seen Stan
so upset.
He swore he wouldn't rest
until he found out
who was responsible.
I've been so afraid
that he'd find out it was me,
I've just been avoiding
our bathroom altogether.
I smashed my champagne flute
for drama,
but I'm having regrets.
Are you listening to me?
I can listen and miss
my champagne
at the same time,
Francine.
Ahem! I'm not sure how people
do things in Italy,
but here in England,
we don't discuss diarrhea.
Don't say that word!
They said it!
I was just repeating it!
This is an outrage!
I was falling in love
with Miss Bennett!
Oh, Darcy!
My heart overflows!
But now that
I've heard discussions,
here in England,
of Italian diarrhea,
I've been tempted by the lures
of obscene foreign delights.
Off to Italy!
Wow. First, he thinks
I don't have enough money.
And now I don't have
enough diarrhea?
What do men even want?
These two
ruined everything!
Kill the Italians!
Where'd they go?
Why aren't they following us?
I took us into a new book,
whatever was under
"Pride and Prejudice."
The books have to be touching
for me to take us into them.
Looks like
we're in a "Dr. Seuss."
Is that a Lorax?
I do beg your pardon,
but you appear to be
trespassing in my study.
Ohh! Sherlock Holmes! Roger,
that's, like, your thing.
Sherlock Groans,
at your service.
Sherlock Holmes,
at your service.
And me?
Still good ol' Francine!
Damn it!
Francine's not a nerd.
How could she like...
Jane Austen?
Maybe if it was
Jane Austen Powers, bay-bee,
then I'd get the appeal.
I wish I could get rid
of all these dumb things.
I think I can help you.
But you're a librarian.
Aren't books,
like, your thing?
Oh, I like books.
But I'm married
to the flame.
So, you've gotta tell me...
What's with the little cape?
You're not a superhero.
You're right!
It's ridiculous!
Why I wear it is the only
mystery I could never solve.
Would you two shut up?!
Roger, take us home!
That'd be great,
wouldn't it, Francine?
If we could just go back?
Are you saying
we can't go back?!
Maybe.
I just don't know how.
I told you.
This is my first time.
Holmes! Holmes!
The library's on fire!
Check it out.
It's Dr. Watson.
Two Sherlocks?
How do I know
which one to shoot?
Why do you need
to shoot either of us?
Him! Him!
Hey!
I'm Sherlock Groans.
"Pride and Prejudice:
A Diarrhea Adventure"?
Roger! I think
we changed the book!
It sounds like we made it
absolutely hilarious, frankly.
But stop wasting time!
There's a fire!
Is this "Alice in Wonderland"?
Ooh! I've always wondered
what he's smoking.
It's actually
pretty weak shit.
Whoa! Maybe this is stronger
than I thought.
No, that really happened.
Come on!
The Yellow Brick Road?
We must be in
"The Wizard of Oz."
Oh, no!
Oh, no, oh, no!
Weird. There's a fire
in all these books.
Oh, no.
I know what's happening.
The librarian is
a recovering pyromaniac!
She just got her 20-year chip
and congratulatory lighter!
And now she's gonna
burn us to death!
Roger, let's go!
Of course, in the book,
the magic slippers
are silver, not ruby.
That was just in the movie.
In fact, Judy Garland has said
it was the ruby slippers alone
that launched her career
as Judge Judy!
We don't have time for...
Ooh! Those look good on you!
Work it, girl!
Oh, yeah!
Now run, girl!
Stan Smith!
I knew I recognized you.
You had that book signing here
a couple months ago.
Book signings happen
at book stores. Dumbass.
Hmm.
Was my failure as an author
why I turned
against reading?
Guess I'll never know.
Because I'm destroying
all the evidence!
Oh, thank God!
We're home!
It must be because
of the magic slippers!
Why does Stan look like
a tall, skinny baby?
Uh-oh. That's how he describes
himself in his memoir.
His memoir?
What do you mean, his "memoir"?
I mean,
we're still in a book!
You didn't read
your husband's book?
It was self-published.
Yuck.
I trust the coastal elites
to tell me what to read.
Hey, look! It's you!
And Stan gave you
itty bitty apple fritties.
Does he think
I have small boobs?
Or does he want me
to have small boobs?
See, those are
the kinds of questions
great literature provokes.
Now run!
We're trapped!
If we die in Stan's memoir,
do we die in real life?!
Well, I think I'll be fine.
I don't know about you.
- What do you mean?!
- Because of this!
I don't burn!
Being an alien's a hoot!
Why have you been running
from the fire this whole time
if you're gonna survive?!
I was trying to get
my 10,000 steps in.
Plus, if my heart rate
gets over 90,
I get an extra dessert.
I'm thinking...
bananas Foster?
These are good.
I see why people like these.
And there's no cleanup!
Seriously?
Nothing, Francine?
I'm working my ass off here
so you can meet the devil
with a smile on your face.
How the hell
did that happen?
I can't destroy my own work!
I put four hours of my life
into writing it.
We gotta figure out how
to get out of these books!
Yes! So I can find out
why Stan gave me
those eensy weensy
baby boobies!
Jesus!
What is that smell?!
Oh, no! Nooo!
This is the flight when
I took that poisonous dump!
Uch!
Did someone burn the hair
off a dead squirrel?!
I don't smell anything.
Hey! This awful smell
is ruining the Kind bar
I bought at the airport
for $17!
Ugh! The stench is drifting
into first class!
Over my dead body!
All coach passengers,
link arms to protect the rich!
On behalf of
the flight crew, I apologize
for the smell
coming from our lavatory.
We're gonna have to make
an emergency landing in Omaha.
I know it smells only
slightly better in Omaha,
but they're the only airport
who will accept us.
Omaha!
This is unbelievable!
I'm not going to rest
until I find out
whose dump destroyed
this plane's bathroom!
And if I do somehow rest,
it will be the fitful sleep
of a man who doesn't know
who took said dump.
This is so embarrassing!
How could Stan publish this?!
I wanna go back
to the real world!
Maybe we would go back
if Stan couldn't publish this.
What do you mean?
I mean, if his memoir didn't
exist, we couldn't be in it.
Right. What keeps a book
from getting published?
Well, they wouldn't
publish my book
because it had an unacceptable
amount of bestiality.
Only 14 scenes!
Great! Let's throw a little
bestiality up in this memoir!
That blind guy's German Shepherd
is probably DTF,
so get to it!
The dog turned me down.
Because it thinks
it's better than me!
Okay. What else could keep this
memoir from being published?
Well, you can't self-publish
on Amazon if it has bestiality,
pedophilia, bomb making...
Bomb making?!
Let's do that one!
One hitch... I don't know
how to make a bomb.
I know it's kind of bougie,
but I always buy them pre-made.
Girl, I could make
a pipe bomb in my sleep.
But you don't have
any of the ingredients.
Yeah, but we can
rewrite this memoir
like we did
"Pride and Prejudice."
A gallon of rubber cement,
a half cup of salt,
10 pounds of manure,
a steel pipe,
and a Barbie leg
for a fuse.
- Voilà! Pipe bomb.
- You did it!
- Aaaaahhhh!
- Aaaaahhhh!
Hey!
There's my rake!
It's actually not.
I-I brought this from home.
What a weird lie.
I'm a weird guy.
Aaaah!
Aw, come on!
I just raked that!
Did I actually
make it back?
Just in time
to ruin my pile.
My precious pile.
Stan.
I-I have to be honest.
I don't come
to the library to read.
I come here to poop.
In the books? Nice!
So you are a jock!
No, Stan.
In the bathroom.
To hide my real secret.
Aaah!
Sorry I'm late.
I jumped into the book "1984"
to go back
and get the Daytona Beach
spring break I always wanted.
Suffice it to say,
it was not totally tubular.
I don't get it, Francine.
Your secret is you eat tacos
in the bathroom stall?
That's not so bad.
I once went back to get
the half cup of beer
I left on the toilet
at Shea Stadium.
Although it was
completely untouched
and even more full than before,
it's still a little gross.
I don't always
eat tacos in the bathroom,
but I do always end up
in the bathroom afterwards.
- What?
- Sir, in your story,
I think you were
drinking pee-pee!
No, little girl.
It was just delicious hot beer!
Are you getting
a whiff of anything yet?
Like what?
Oh, God!
Omaha was you!
I know.
How could you
hide this from me?
I was raised
to think a woman
should keep some mystery
in her marriage.
But I don't want that.
I want to know everything
about you, Francine.
You do?!
Even the gross stuff?
Yes, especially
the gross stuff.
But you seemed so upset
on the plane.
Yeah, I was mad I didn't
get to shake hands
with the butt
that made that mess!
It was hilarious! Everyone
on the plane was like...
Ugh-ugh-eghh-egh-egh!
Wow! That is a weight
off my shoulders.
You know what?
I'm gonna poop at home
from now on,
no matter
how smelly it is.
I would love nothing more,
Francine.
Although I don't think you can
ever top your airplane poop.
Nothing will ever be funnier
than that.
Is that why you put it
in your memoir?
You read my memoir?
Yeah! It really...
sucked me in.
That's so sweet of you.
Man, that thing was terrible.
No one would even publish it.
Well, those coastal elites are
out of touch with what's good.
But, hey, why'd you write
about me having a flat chest?
What was that all about?
Flat chest?
Oh, that must be a typo.
I meant to write
"fat chest."
I love them fat sacks,
baby!
Oh, Stan.
You always know
just what to say.
I was a little surprised
to find a website
that matched depressed singles
with each other.
But look at you!
Score for Klaus!
You didn't say in your e-Sadness
profile that you're a fish.
Oh, I see
the miscommunication here.
I was lying.
Yeah, I don't date liars.
Oh, and, by the way,
I'm super into sex.
Well, you didn't explicitly
say in your profile
that you weren't a fish!
And you don't see me
crying about it!
I miss sex!
Bye-bye! See you soon!
fish bones in it.
I 'unno.
I dig it.
Welp, gotta go.
Got a date with the library.
Gotta get my read on!
We believe you,
honey.
Peace!
There's no wayyyy Mom's reading
at the library every night.
She won't even go
to a restaurant
if it doesn't have
a picture menu.
Of course she's not
actually at the library!
She knows I could
never smooch a bookworm,
let alone do it with one.
I got twenty says Mom's
actually been sneaking
her pet orangutan into the zoo
after hours so it can get laid.
Well, this, of course, hinges
on my other long-standing theory
that Mom has
a secret pet orangutan.
Ben Frank says she's sneakin'
off to be a Patch Adams.
Going to hospitals and goofing
off to get those uptight doctors
to stop taking themselves
so seriously.
Guys, I need to get
something off my chest.
I'm... struggling
with depression.
I'm in the darkest place
- I've ever been...
- Ooh, ooh!
I have a fiver says
Francine is carrying buckets.
Maybe down a road...
or at a...
bucket... factory.
Super interesting.
But didn't you have
the CIA
put a tracking device
on Mom's car?
That's so I can know
where your mom is at all times
so I can control her.
But I don't want to use it
for other, twisted reasons.
But isn't this
wanting to know
where she is
so you can control her?
No, no, it's not.
Oh, wait! Yeah, it is!
The tracker confirms
Francine's at the... library!
Hi, Jolene.
Hey, Francine!
Oh, I put some new
reading materials
in the restroom
for you.
- Did you say something?
- I said...
thanks!
♪ Good morning, USA
♪ I got a feelin' that it's gonna
be a wonderful day ♪
♪ The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ♪
♪ And he's shinin' a salute
to the American race ♪
♪ Oh, boy,
it's swell to say ♪
- ♪ Goo.. ♪
- ♪ Good morning, USA
Aah!
♪ Good morning, USA
*AMERICAN DAD*
Season 16 Episode 14 (IMDB)
Episode Title: "Flush After Reading"
I can't believe this!
Francine's a bookworm!
We're not a family of nerds!
We're a family of jocks!
Except for...
Steve.
You did this!
Look!
He's got glasses, Stan!
Knock 'em off!
Knock 'em off!
Mom's the one at the library!
I like TV!
T-That's what
the glasses are for!
Oh, Francine! This isn't
how it's supposed to be!
We were going to
grow old together!
And then I would be
the first to die,
she would mourn me for 17 months
and start dating Jackson.
That was the plan!
Did she forget the plan?!
We can't do the plan
if she's a bookworm!
I gotta go down
to that library!
Goodbye, cruel world.
I just tried
to drown myself.
Smell like
Totino pizza roll.
This Steve turd.
Rogu, we have a pool.
Rogu collect
doo-doo data.
As a parent, I'm mad,
but as a scientist,
my instinct
is to encourage this.
Rogu missing
one doody, though.
Francine.
Really?
Francine's super regular.
She always used to poop
right after dinner.
Francine's not going to
the library to read words!
She's going there
to leave turds!
But why?
Who cares?
I know someone who would care
quite a bit.
Sherlock Groans,
poop detective!
I gotta get to the library
to solve the case
of the displaced doo-doo.
Otherwise my nemesis Nancy Poo
might beat me to it
or, worse,
the Farty Boys.
So you can see
how serious this is, Rogu.
Yes.
Time is of
the ass-scents.
Ah. Good one!
Daddy's proud.
But not too much.
I'm kind of the star here.
- Ah-ha!
- Aah!
What are you doing?!
What are you doing?
Sorry. I-I-I know
what you're doing.
But... But why?
But also, hi!
Please tell me my wife
isn't really here!
Hm, what does she look like?
She's got the hair.
Uh, couple little feet.
Does she have the boobs?
Yes!
Ohh! Francine!
She's in the bathroom.
Thank God! Maybe
I can stop her before she reads.
Mystery fans everywhere
need to know.
Why are you coming to
the library to do your business?
- I don't want to talk about it!
- Come on!
I got dressed up in my Sherlock
Groans outfit and everything!
It's embarrassing.
Uh, which part?
The hat?
Or, like, this little cape
on my shoulders?
Francine!
Are you in there?
Is that Stan?
Yeah, he's on some jock mission
to not let you read like a nerd.
Francine, we need to talk
about how you're... a reader.
- Told ya.
- Stan can't know I come here to poop!
Maybe...
hide me in the toilet?
Are you kidding?
That's the first place he'll look!
Remember? That's
the first place I looked.
Damn it, Francine!
I'm slowly building up
the courage to enter
the women's room!
You gotta hide me!
I could use
my alien powers
to place us in one
of these stories.
- You can do that?!
- You know it!
But I've never done it before,
so it could be
highly risky.
It could also be smooth sailing.
Lots of variables here.
I'm a poop detective,
not a book scientist.
Roger, put me
in the damn book!
How 'bout we take a trip
to the ballroom?
That sounds fun.
Francine?
Francine!
Francine!
Did I say that
out loud?
Where the hell
did she go?
Oh, my God! It worked!
We escaped!
Oh, this kind of ballroom.
Someone stole this
poor woman's clothes!
I can see her ankles!
Perhaps she's
a prostitute.
I'm not a prostitute!
For the right amount of money,
anyone's a prostitute.
That's, like,
Being Alive 101.
She's so exotic!
She must be Italian!
That's correctamundo.
A-Lisa Lampanelli.
Ooh! Please!
Sing us a song!
Italy has the most
wonderful music.
Follow my lead.
♪ When the moon
- ♪ Hits your eye
- ♪ Hits your eye
- ♪ Like a big pizza pie ♪
- He's a big pizza guy... pie! ♪
♪ That's amore!
♪ Tuesdays with Morrie!
So... I guess we just hang out
in "Pride and Prejudice"
until Stan gives up and stops
searching the library for me?
Yeah, about that...
Since I helped you escape,
you gotta tell me
why you poop at the library.
It's because
of what happened
two years ago
on our flight to Maui.
I had the barbacoa tacos
from Taco King before takeoff,
and it ripped through me
at 10,000 feet.
I was locked in the lavatory
for a solid hour.
Fortunately, Stan was watching
"Son of the Mask,"
so he didn't notice
I was gone.
Okay, so you had diarrhea
on a plane.
I don't understand
the embarrassment.
My mom always told me
to preserve some mystery
in marriage.
Your mom who shaves her
bikini line at the hotel pool?
Just let me say...
not all plane accidents
involve a crash.
After I dropped that stink bomb,
it was bad.
It was
"emergency land the plane
because it stinks
so bad" bad.
- No!
- In Omaha.
No!
I've never seen Stan
so upset.
He swore he wouldn't rest
until he found out
who was responsible.
I've been so afraid
that he'd find out it was me,
I've just been avoiding
our bathroom altogether.
I smashed my champagne flute
for drama,
but I'm having regrets.
Are you listening to me?
I can listen and miss
my champagne
at the same time,
Francine.
Ahem! I'm not sure how people
do things in Italy,
but here in England,
we don't discuss diarrhea.
Don't say that word!
They said it!
I was just repeating it!
This is an outrage!
I was falling in love
with Miss Bennett!
Oh, Darcy!
My heart overflows!
But now that
I've heard discussions,
here in England,
of Italian diarrhea,
I've been tempted by the lures
of obscene foreign delights.
Off to Italy!
Wow. First, he thinks
I don't have enough money.
And now I don't have
enough diarrhea?
What do men even want?
These two
ruined everything!
Kill the Italians!
Where'd they go?
Why aren't they following us?
I took us into a new book,
whatever was under
"Pride and Prejudice."
The books have to be touching
for me to take us into them.
Looks like
we're in a "Dr. Seuss."
Is that a Lorax?
I do beg your pardon,
but you appear to be
trespassing in my study.
Ohh! Sherlock Holmes! Roger,
that's, like, your thing.
Sherlock Groans,
at your service.
Sherlock Holmes,
at your service.
And me?
Still good ol' Francine!
Damn it!
Francine's not a nerd.
How could she like...
Jane Austen?
Maybe if it was
Jane Austen Powers, bay-bee,
then I'd get the appeal.
I wish I could get rid
of all these dumb things.
I think I can help you.
But you're a librarian.
Aren't books,
like, your thing?
Oh, I like books.
But I'm married
to the flame.
So, you've gotta tell me...
What's with the little cape?
You're not a superhero.
You're right!
It's ridiculous!
Why I wear it is the only
mystery I could never solve.
Would you two shut up?!
Roger, take us home!
That'd be great,
wouldn't it, Francine?
If we could just go back?
Are you saying
we can't go back?!
Maybe.
I just don't know how.
I told you.
This is my first time.
Holmes! Holmes!
The library's on fire!
Check it out.
It's Dr. Watson.
Two Sherlocks?
How do I know
which one to shoot?
Why do you need
to shoot either of us?
Him! Him!
Hey!
I'm Sherlock Groans.
"Pride and Prejudice:
A Diarrhea Adventure"?
Roger! I think
we changed the book!
It sounds like we made it
absolutely hilarious, frankly.
But stop wasting time!
There's a fire!
Is this "Alice in Wonderland"?
Ooh! I've always wondered
what he's smoking.
It's actually
pretty weak shit.
Whoa! Maybe this is stronger
than I thought.
No, that really happened.
Come on!
The Yellow Brick Road?
We must be in
"The Wizard of Oz."
Oh, no!
Oh, no, oh, no!
Weird. There's a fire
in all these books.
Oh, no.
I know what's happening.
The librarian is
a recovering pyromaniac!
She just got her 20-year chip
and congratulatory lighter!
And now she's gonna
burn us to death!
Roger, let's go!
Of course, in the book,
the magic slippers
are silver, not ruby.
That was just in the movie.
In fact, Judy Garland has said
it was the ruby slippers alone
that launched her career
as Judge Judy!
We don't have time for...
Ooh! Those look good on you!
Work it, girl!
Oh, yeah!
Now run, girl!
Stan Smith!
I knew I recognized you.
You had that book signing here
a couple months ago.
Book signings happen
at book stores. Dumbass.
Hmm.
Was my failure as an author
why I turned
against reading?
Guess I'll never know.
Because I'm destroying
all the evidence!
Oh, thank God!
We're home!
It must be because
of the magic slippers!
Why does Stan look like
a tall, skinny baby?
Uh-oh. That's how he describes
himself in his memoir.
His memoir?
What do you mean, his "memoir"?
I mean,
we're still in a book!
You didn't read
your husband's book?
It was self-published.
Yuck.
I trust the coastal elites
to tell me what to read.
Hey, look! It's you!
And Stan gave you
itty bitty apple fritties.
Does he think
I have small boobs?
Or does he want me
to have small boobs?
See, those are
the kinds of questions
great literature provokes.
Now run!
We're trapped!
If we die in Stan's memoir,
do we die in real life?!
Well, I think I'll be fine.
I don't know about you.
- What do you mean?!
- Because of this!
I don't burn!
Being an alien's a hoot!
Why have you been running
from the fire this whole time
if you're gonna survive?!
I was trying to get
my 10,000 steps in.
Plus, if my heart rate
gets over 90,
I get an extra dessert.
I'm thinking...
bananas Foster?
These are good.
I see why people like these.
And there's no cleanup!
Seriously?
Nothing, Francine?
I'm working my ass off here
so you can meet the devil
with a smile on your face.
How the hell
did that happen?
I can't destroy my own work!
I put four hours of my life
into writing it.
We gotta figure out how
to get out of these books!
Yes! So I can find out
why Stan gave me
those eensy weensy
baby boobies!
Jesus!
What is that smell?!
Oh, no! Nooo!
This is the flight when
I took that poisonous dump!
Uch!
Did someone burn the hair
off a dead squirrel?!
I don't smell anything.
Hey! This awful smell
is ruining the Kind bar
I bought at the airport
for $17!
Ugh! The stench is drifting
into first class!
Over my dead body!
All coach passengers,
link arms to protect the rich!
On behalf of
the flight crew, I apologize
for the smell
coming from our lavatory.
We're gonna have to make
an emergency landing in Omaha.
I know it smells only
slightly better in Omaha,
but they're the only airport
who will accept us.
Omaha!
This is unbelievable!
I'm not going to rest
until I find out
whose dump destroyed
this plane's bathroom!
And if I do somehow rest,
it will be the fitful sleep
of a man who doesn't know
who took said dump.
This is so embarrassing!
How could Stan publish this?!
I wanna go back
to the real world!
Maybe we would go back
if Stan couldn't publish this.
What do you mean?
I mean, if his memoir didn't
exist, we couldn't be in it.
Right. What keeps a book
from getting published?
Well, they wouldn't
publish my book
because it had an unacceptable
amount of bestiality.
Only 14 scenes!
Great! Let's throw a little
bestiality up in this memoir!
That blind guy's German Shepherd
is probably DTF,
so get to it!
The dog turned me down.
Because it thinks
it's better than me!
Okay. What else could keep this
memoir from being published?
Well, you can't self-publish
on Amazon if it has bestiality,
pedophilia, bomb making...
Bomb making?!
Let's do that one!
One hitch... I don't know
how to make a bomb.
I know it's kind of bougie,
but I always buy them pre-made.
Girl, I could make
a pipe bomb in my sleep.
But you don't have
any of the ingredients.
Yeah, but we can
rewrite this memoir
like we did
"Pride and Prejudice."
A gallon of rubber cement,
a half cup of salt,
10 pounds of manure,
a steel pipe,
and a Barbie leg
for a fuse.
- Voilà! Pipe bomb.
- You did it!
- Aaaaahhhh!
- Aaaaahhhh!
Hey!
There's my rake!
It's actually not.
I-I brought this from home.
What a weird lie.
I'm a weird guy.
Aaaah!
Aw, come on!
I just raked that!
Did I actually
make it back?
Just in time
to ruin my pile.
My precious pile.
Stan.
I-I have to be honest.
I don't come
to the library to read.
I come here to poop.
In the books? Nice!
So you are a jock!
No, Stan.
In the bathroom.
To hide my real secret.
Aaah!
Sorry I'm late.
I jumped into the book "1984"
to go back
and get the Daytona Beach
spring break I always wanted.
Suffice it to say,
it was not totally tubular.
I don't get it, Francine.
Your secret is you eat tacos
in the bathroom stall?
That's not so bad.
I once went back to get
the half cup of beer
I left on the toilet
at Shea Stadium.
Although it was
completely untouched
and even more full than before,
it's still a little gross.
I don't always
eat tacos in the bathroom,
but I do always end up
in the bathroom afterwards.
- What?
- Sir, in your story,
I think you were
drinking pee-pee!
No, little girl.
It was just delicious hot beer!
Are you getting
a whiff of anything yet?
Like what?
Oh, God!
Omaha was you!
I know.
How could you
hide this from me?
I was raised
to think a woman
should keep some mystery
in her marriage.
But I don't want that.
I want to know everything
about you, Francine.
You do?!
Even the gross stuff?
Yes, especially
the gross stuff.
But you seemed so upset
on the plane.
Yeah, I was mad I didn't
get to shake hands
with the butt
that made that mess!
It was hilarious! Everyone
on the plane was like...
Ugh-ugh-eghh-egh-egh!
Wow! That is a weight
off my shoulders.
You know what?
I'm gonna poop at home
from now on,
no matter
how smelly it is.
I would love nothing more,
Francine.
Although I don't think you can
ever top your airplane poop.
Nothing will ever be funnier
than that.
Is that why you put it
in your memoir?
You read my memoir?
Yeah! It really...
sucked me in.
That's so sweet of you.
Man, that thing was terrible.
No one would even publish it.
Well, those coastal elites are
out of touch with what's good.
But, hey, why'd you write
about me having a flat chest?
What was that all about?
Flat chest?
Oh, that must be a typo.
I meant to write
"fat chest."
I love them fat sacks,
baby!
Oh, Stan.
You always know
just what to say.
I was a little surprised
to find a website
that matched depressed singles
with each other.
But look at you!
Score for Klaus!
You didn't say in your e-Sadness
profile that you're a fish.
Oh, I see
the miscommunication here.
I was lying.
Yeah, I don't date liars.
Oh, and, by the way,
I'm super into sex.
Well, you didn't explicitly
say in your profile
that you weren't a fish!
And you don't see me
crying about it!
I miss sex!
Bye-bye! See you soon!