American Dad! (2005–…): Season 15, Episode 9 - One Fish, Two Fish - full transcript

Costa Rica is so amazing, Hayles.

And building houses for the poor is
super amazing.

[ Whispering ] I am so bummed
I couldn't join you,

but I'm just about to break in
to this factory farm

to free the oppressed cows.

My intel says the cows' rights

are totally
gonna be violated tomorrow,

so time is of the essence.

You're thereal hero, Hayley.

♪ Happy, happy birthday

♪ Your birthday is today



♪ Happy, happy birthday

♪ Enjoy your birthday cake

Whoa, Babe!

This nice family brought you a cake.

What the hell?! You aren't saving animals!

You're at a cool-casual dining spot!

You don't care about anyone but yourself.
Oh, come on.

I take my birthdayoff
from helping people

and suddenly I "don't care
about anyone?"

Wait, your birthday's
not for three months.

[ Waiters gasp ]

♪ You lied about your birthday

♪ Give us back our cake

♪ You lied about your birthday



♪ Please go drown in a lake

[ Blows ]
[ Clapping ]

Babe, why don't we just
tell them it was my birthday?

It actually is my birthday.

[ Whining ] 'Cause I wanted them
to sing to me!

♪ Good morning, U.S.A.

♪ I got a feelin' that
it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪

♪ The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ♪

♪ And he's shinin' a salute
to the American race ♪

♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say

♪ Good... ♪ Good morning, U.S.A.

Aah!

♪ Good morning, U.S.A.

Danuta saysI don't help people?!

I help peopleall the time, right?!

Sure, Babe.
You helped me get married.

[ Door opens ]Oh, man.

My fins are killingme.

It took me five hours to scoot
to Tuttle's house,

and it turns out he's anti-94!

Is Prop 94 that sex move
where the lady

talks into the guy's dong
like a microphone?

No, that's "the Vin Scully."

Langley has a law
that prohibits vaping

within 500 feet of parks and schools.

But if Prop 94 passes,

it will reduce that
to just five feet.

And that's... good?

Of course it is!

Teachers need to vape the most!

Plus, I enjoy vaping by the park,

watching the children play.

Good on you, Klaus.

Be the change you wantto see in the world.

Hey, would you guys mind helping
me out and vote for Prop 94?

You know, since voting's one
of those things I can't do

'cause I'm not a citizen?

How are you not a citizen?

You've been here for six Presidents

and four "Tonight Show" hosts.

Well, the CIA kind of put me
in a fish body and forgot.

No biggie.
Just means I can't vote

or go to airports
or buy guns at gun shops.

I can still buy them online,
though, and at gun shows

and from shady dudes
on Langley Boulevard.

Trust me, I have a lotof guns.

Hmm...
Are you getting an idea, Babe,

or do you have to fart?

The faces look the same.

Idea.
Well, both, really,

but the idea's the onlyone you'll hear.

I am gonna help Klausbecome a citizen.

That'll show Danuta. Okay, cool.

Let's do the citizenship thing.

Wait.
You've been talking to Danuta?

She told me she was dead!

Who's excited for our trip
to the supermarket, gang?!

- I am!
- Me, too!
- Wowee!

I'm gonna buy freshly-sliced
cold cuts from the deli counter.

I'm gonna buy something chilly

from the frozen foodaisle.

- Brrr!
- Huh.

"Farmers Market."

I wonder what that'sall about?

Pass.
That's where the farmersshop.

Actually, Dad, farmers markets

are where farmers sell fresh
produce directly to the public.

[ Tires screech ] [ Shouting ]

Cutting out the middleman?

The one thing
I hate more than farmers

is... middlemen.

It's settled.
We're trying the farmers market.

[ Tires squeal ] [ Grunts ]

Don't worry about him.
Crossing guards

are the middlemen of the streets.

I am so pumped to be a citizen.

I've already picked out
my new American name...

Ace McNasty.

That's not how this works, Klaus.

Just follow my lead.

One citizenship please.

Helping accomplished.

Mr. Heissler, you speak basic English.

Good. You have the body of a fish,

but the consciousness
of a man, so that's fine.

But you've been here
illegally for 20 years?!

That's a huge red flag.

Red flag?

Take that commie shit back to China.

I'mall about the stars
and stripes, baby.

I know all the words
to Kid Rock's version

of "Sweet Home Alabama."
I've wantedto see

Criss Angel's Vegas magic act
over 50 times.

I've watched all the
"American Pie" movies.

Did you know Stifler has a brother?

TwoStiffmeisters?!

I wouldn't want to be those parents.

You're in this countryillegally.

I'm sorry, sir. Your days are numbered.

And you'rea true American hero.

Thank you for snitching
on this illegal alien.

I wasn't snitching.

I was helping my friend!

I'm a helpful person!

♪ Happy, happy snitch day

♪ You sold out your friend

♪ Happy, happy snitch day

♪ His time here's near its end ♪

All y'all, get out of here!

Get!

I don't know wherethey come from.

"Papaya."

That's not a word I say every day.

"Kumquat?" really?

Got a real wiseacre
running the fruits here.

Wow. "Kiwis."

Finally someone invented a fruit

that feels like balls
shaved exactly a week ago.

[ Gasps ] What is that?!

[ Slurping ]

Can you guys imagine putting a straw

in one of those things
and drinking right out of it?

I'm hearing steel drum music
just thinking about it.

An instant vacation.

Excuse me, sir?

We'd like to purchase
one of your coco-nuts.

Great!
You know, for $1 more,

I could open it up for...

Not so fast with the ripoffs, pal.

We can open it ourselves.
- Yeah.

Remember when we lost 20 bucks

having that guy open our bananas?

Thanks to Hayley's "help,"

I have to go undercover
to hide from immigration.

Should I be a silly rabbi
or a serious bumblebee?

The costumes cost the same
on Amazon. [ Door closes ]

Sorry about that
little setback, Klaus.

But when Hayley Smith says
she's gonna help,

she's gonna help.

No!
No more helping.

Can't stop helping.
Won't stop helping.

I've got a new plan that'll
guarantee you citizenship.

You and I are getting married!

But, Babe... aren't wemarried?

Not anymore!

I went down to the courthouse
and got us divorced.

Don't you needmy signature for that?

No.
I'm your legal guardian.

Oh, yeah.

And Klaus,

I'm your legal wife!
I already sent a copy

of our marriage certificate
to immigration. What?!

The government will never
believe we're married!

Look at me!
I'm a player for life!

Treat her well, man.

She's a special lady.

[ Sobbing loudly ]

[ Lighter switches ] [ Bong gurgles ]

[ Crying, coughing ]

Babe... do you rememberwhy I'm crying?

I can't believe you told
immigration we're married.

That's fraud!

And not even cool fraud,

like buying a Mercedes
hood ornament on Etsy

and gluing it to my Saturn.

They're not gonna deport you, Klaus.

We just need to be convincing
in this interview.

Interview?! When?![ Doorbell rings ]

Quick, they expect married people

to know everything about each other.

My favorite food is white rice
with lots of butter.

Hello, I'm here from the
United States Immigration Office

to discuss your marriage. We would love

to talk about that at length

andprovide supporting documents.

[ Irish accent ]
Isn't that right, me love?

Her accents have always
delighted me and we're married.

That's for sure. [ Russian accent ]
Come for to kiss.

[ Both smooch ]

Okay, let's startwith some easy ones.
How old is Hayley?

- 19.
- 47.

What is Klaus'favorite kind of music?

- Dixieland jazz?
- East Coast hip-hop.

What's Klaus' favorite food?

Ooh! White rice with lots of butter.

Hot dogs. What the hell, Klaus?!

[ Whispering ]
I panicked.

Look, I can tell you're nervous,

so I'm gonna cut to the chase.

You're human and you're a fish.

It's weird. We'll continue the process,

but to be honest,
I'd prepare for the worst.

Well, I thought this might happen.

Don't worry about me.
I'll leave the country.

In fact, I've already rented outmy alcove

to a silly rabbi...

Schlomo McHanukkahface.

Dear Lord, thank youfor providing us

with this island bounty.

Mahalo.

Hmm.
Must be a bad knife.

Another bad knife.

Anotherbad knife.

Anotherbad knife!
- Step aside

and let old Frannie work her magic.

I don't get it.
That always works with pickle jars.

Out of my way.
I got this.

Oh!
Ow!

Perhaps we should consult
the classic Harry Nilsson song,

"Lime in the Coconut,"
for tips. [ Cellphone clicking ]

"She put the lime in the
coconut, drank 'em both up.

Bellyache.
Call the doctor."

Hesays, "Put the lime
in the coconut."

Bullshit! Doesn't say anything
about how to open it!

Andthe doctors cure
is the exact same thing

that upset the guy's stomach
in the first place.

What a wackadoo. Language!

Guys, don't let thiscoconut drive usnuts.

That's what it wants.

Wh... Wh-Wh-What are we gonna do?

Howare we gonna open this coconut?!

[ Tense music plays ]

Well, Klaus, you're being deported

and you cannot take everything.

Goodbye, lanyard from
the 1997 AVN Awards.

Goodbye, VHS rewinder
in the shape of a Corvette.

[ Sighs ]
That's everything.

And my suitcase is empty.

Goodbye, suitcase.

Hayley: Keep your suitcase, Klaus.

You again?
I have had en...

No one's getting deported.

Hayley? Is that you?

Does this answer your question?

[ Groans ]

Yes... Yes, it does.

I'll let you two lovebirds talk.

[ Screaming, sobbing ]

What the hell is happening?!

I went to the CIA
and had Dr. Weitzman

put me into a fish body.
You know, to make our marriage

more believable
to the immigration lady.

- Why didn't you just make me a human?!
- Wow.

That would've been a great idea.

If you'd mentioned it
to me yesterday!

But you didn't! Sonow we got to
do the married fish thing.

And married fish
live in the same bowl.

Wait, where'smy deep-sea diver guy?

Oh, I got rid of that old thing
to make space for a trash can

so I have somewhere to put
the rest of your dumb shit.

Perhaps we should havea conversation

before we throw away things
that gave me decades

of companionshipand sexual triumphs!

Okay, sorry.
Hey, by the way, fish question?

I was napping in the treasure
chest yesterday

and all of these little pellets
fell out of me.

Is that normal?
What?!

[ Cheering ]

Why didn't you tell meyou laid eggs?!
Why didn't you tell me

you jerk it in the treasure chest?!
It's called milting.

It's totallynaturaland I will
notbe shamed! [ Door opens ]

[ Voice breaking ]
Beautiful children, Babe.

They all have your eyes.

[ Muffled screaming ]

[ Engine revving ]

[ Yelling ] Ah!

I think it just grazed me...

[ Sighs, thuds ]

Damn you, coconuuut!

[ Francine and Stan crying ]

Is it even worth it anymore?

The carnage.
The shattered lives. [ Crying ]

We all remember how happy
that woman looked

when she was drinking
from that coconut, don't we?

We want to be like her, don't we?!

Of course. What kind of a question
is that?!

Then we're gonna have
to think outside the box.

We're gonna smoke it out.

This might take some time,
so we need to be patient.

Be right back.

[ Gunfire ]

[ Sizzling ]

[ Bells chime ]

Stupid coconut. [ Strains ]

[ Gunshots ] [ Grunting ]

Ugh, can we go home now?

Doing errands in public makes
our fish marriage seem real.

And so does buying a new aquarium.

Did I hear somebody say
"Buying a new aquarium?"

That's a real question.

I'm listening to a sound effect
CD of a woman vacuuming.

Why, yes.
We did say "aquarium."

Now that my husbandand I
are legally married,

we need to buy one.

Sir, if you truly loveyour wife,

you won't settle for anything
less than the Atlantis.

This one was LeBron's, so it's
filled with Sprite right now.

I'm not made of money.

Besides, I'm a 7UP man.

Klaus, this is how helping works.

Well, then I don't wantyour help.

My life was fine before.
You're making it worse!

I am doing this for you, idiot!

You are suffocating me!
I can't stand you!

[ Monotone ] I think I've heard everything
I need to hear. [ Hayley and Klaus gasp ]

It's obvious you two hate each other,

which means your marriage
is definitely real!

Congratulations, sir.

You're gonna bea United States citizen.

It's happening.

I'm gonna be Ace McNasty.

Sign there and there.

Welcome to America.

You have 20 days to become obese.

Honey?
Hurry up with the champagne!

I probably shouldn't say this,
but to be honest,

I was kind of hoping
this was a sham marriage.

[ Quietly ] I have been thinking
about you a lot.

Wait? You're... attracted to me?

Sexually?!

Let's bone, baby!

But... [chuckles] your wife?

What wife? My marriage isa sham.

Not real in the slightest.

It's go time.
Um.

Actually, I need about 10
minutes for my pill to kick in.

[ Guns cocking ] You fell

for the oldest trick in the book...

a lie.

You're outta here.

And you're going with him.

Wait, you can't deport me!

I am a U.S. citizen!

Deported-fish-says-what.

Huh? You're still going.

What?
Gotcha!

Freeze!

Wait, if I'vegot the banana,

that means...

Oh, no...

[ Monkey screeching ] [ Gunshots ]

[ Mexican music plays ]

Buenos días, Juan Pablo.

Hola, Señor McNasty.

I made some special guacamole

for my favorite deportee.

Mmm. I'll never figure out

how you get a chest hair
in each bite.

My darling Rosita.

You are not the most
beautiful prostitute in Mexico,

but you arethe most affordable.

And I lovethat you cut my hair.

I love itwhen you talk dirty.

[ Smooches ]

Honey, I'm home with frrresh guaaac!

Shove your guac up your ass, Klaus.

Why are we even here anyway?
Shouldn't they have deported you

to Germany?
You know ICE.

They hear an accent...
they assume you're from Mexico.

Well, I'm sick of guac.
I'm sick of being a fish.

And I'm verynervousabout what Dr. Weitzman

is doing to my humanbody
back at the CIA.

Just gonna take out a little loan

and put a hotel on Park Place.

[ Voice breaking ] I can't take
it here anymore, Klaus.

You can't see my tears because
I'm underwater, but I'm sobbing.

I need to get outof Mexicoand back
inmy body.

[ Sighs ]
Listen, I know a guy in town

who can smuggle us back into the U.S.

He's super chill.

[ Screaming metal plays ]

[ Bottle shatters ] Excuse me, señor?

[ Tires screech ]

Gimme all your money,
or I'll shoot you

in the [bleep] heads.

I-I don't have any.

Maybe we can work outsome sort of deal?

[ Whispering ] Hayley, seduce him.

Show him that crazy hole
your eggs come out of.

[ Glass shatters ] [ Tires squeal ]

We're two fish in the middle
of the desert.

We're dead. Adiós, Meh-hico.

Rosita, you taught me so much
about the art of lovemaking.

And you talked me out of that perm.

And guacamole,

I don't know
where to start. Wait, wait, wait,

Klaus, did you actually
like it in Mexico?

Well, if I had to pick,

it'd be in the top...

one place I've ever been.

But you need your real body
and your real husband.

Oh, my God.

You didn't want to leave,
but you did it for me.

I was helping you
to prove Danuto wrong,

but you were helping me
because I needed it.

Thank you, Klaus. Oh, we're gonna get
out of this yet.

You'll see.
Ah!

[ Scorpion hissing ] [ Screaming ] Help!

Help me!
Oh, no.

Hayley Smith has learned her lesson.

[ Screaming continues ]
My helping days are over.

[ Engine approaches ]Wait, what's that?

It's a truck![ Brakes squeal ]

[ Garbled ] We are saved.

There it is... America.

Home of the Bronx Zoo
and many other wonderful things.

Including, of course, the amazing

aforementioned Bronx Zoo.

[ Brakes squeal ]

Sir, please step out of the vehicle.

Quick, hide in the fruit.
But we need water, don't we?

Trust me. I have an idea.

Well, if loving soda was a crime,

this gentleman would be
in deep bubbles.

[ Chuckles ] Hey...

I should save my best ha-ha's
for when I'm feeling blue.

Yeah.
I'll put 'em in a notebook

called, "Lem's Gems."

I'm Lem, by the way.

We've exhausted all conventional
coconut opening options.

It's time to embrace
the Dark Arts. [ Motorcycle revs ]

Criss Angel: ♪ I am
the Mindfreak... Mindfreak... ♪

♪ Mindfreak...

TheCriss Angel.

The freakiest magicianon the planet.

[ Engine whirring ]

♪ Are you ready... are you
ready... are you ready? ♪

[ Shouting ] Who's ready to get
their minds bloooooown?!

Me, me. I am.

[ Oohing ]

Sir, please inspect the box.

It's solid.
No trapdoors.

Nothing underneath.
Correct?

It's a regular box,
Criss with two S's.

Now let's see what happens
when we put a regular coconut

in this regular box.

♪♪

And slice through it
with a regular blade!

[ "Mindfreak" theme music
continues ] [ Monitor beeping ]

[ Gasping ]

[ Monitor beeping quickly ]

[ Cheering ]

Francine: Coco-nut!

That's right everybody.

The entire Hayley and Klaus story

took place beforethe coconut story.

And Hayley and Klaus
were insidethe coconut

the whole time!

[ Shouting ] Mindfreeeaaak!

- Wowza.
- Holy moly!

Good thing the steamroller
didn't work.

Oh, yeah!

Mindfreak, baby!

[ Cheering ]

[ Engine revving ]

[ Theme music continues ]
Criss Angel: Mindfreeeaaak!

Off he goes to Planet Hollywood
in Las Vegas, where he lives.

And under the terms of his contract,

will die.

But I am happy to be home,

even if I am not a citizen.

You want to be a citizen?
Why didn't you ask me?

CIA agents can grant
anyone citizenship.

Ace McNasty,

I hereby dub you an American.

[ Cheering ]

Excuse me, has, uh,
anybody seen my eyeliner?

I think it fell out of my pocket
while I was Mindfreaking.

Bye-bye. See you soon.