American Dad! (2005–…): Season 14, Episode 8 - The Long March - full transcript
Hayley and Jeff become social media influencers; Francine and Steve are haunted by an Uber driver that they rated poorly.
Boar's Head?
More like "Bored's Head," right?
I literally said that
joke to you yesterday.
Yeah. I'm stealin' it.
Hey, team?
Uh, gather round for a sec.
Tommy! Tommy!
I almost sold a sandwich.
- Why didn't you?
- I dropped it.
But I put it aside so we
can eat it later, chief.
Okay, Dino.
Tommy and Dino to the end!
Right, right. Okay.
I'm sorry to say that our
assistant manager George
- passed away last night.
- Who?
George worked here a long
time and loved his work.
He even mentioned Sub Hub six
times in his suicide note.
Anyway, we need someone
to take his place.
- What day did you start?
- Tuesday.
- Uh-huh. And you?
- Wednesday.
Hayley, looks like you're
our new assistant manager.
But it was Wednesday three years ago.
You know we go
by day of the week, Chloe.
So, it's basic stuff...
time cards, inventory,
taking George's dead body
down from the ceiling fan.
Cool. Dino, go get George down.
You got it, Hayley!
Hayley and Dino to the end!
Uh, his hands are tied behind his back.
We sure this is a suicide?
Just do your job!
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
♪ I got a feelin'
that it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪
♪ The sun in the sky has
a smile on his face ♪
♪ And he's shinin'
a salute to the American race ♪
♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪
- ♪ Good... ♪
- ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
Aah!
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
Hey, babe!
Hey, ba... Oh, my God!
Hayley!
Jeff here says you got a promotion.
Is this true or is Jeff playing
a dirty little trick on me?
Yes! They made me assistant manager.
Let him go!
Oh, Hayley!
I've been so disappointed
in you for so long!
Completely given up on you as a father.
- You what?
- Oh, yeah!
But now that you've
turned things around,
I got you a gift.
A day planner?
Yeah. And the best part?
I've already filled it out for you.
"Go to work, go home.
Go to work, go home.
- Go to work, go home."
- Go to work, go home.
- "Go to work, go home."
- Go to work, go home.
Welcome to the long march.
Ohh, I envy you.
Just starting out on a job you'll do
for the next 40 years.
The turbulent wave of life's
joy and despair will become...
a flat line.
Eeeeeee!
What?
Soon you'll be marching to work,
clockin' in and out, marching home,
over and over and over.
You'll be 30, 40, 50, 60.
Eeeeeee!
The march ends at the grave.
It's just a promotion.
There's that vacant stare
of a fellow marcher.
Aw, man, the march!
Did I make a mistake?
I mean, look, I took the promotion
because, like, future is female,
but what if I get trapped
in some monotonous life?
Remember what Dr. Ronson said...
Sometimes your feelings
come out more clearly
in free-style rap.
Babe, do you want me to drop a beat?
Maybe you should.
♪ I wanted a life
of experience and freshness ♪
♪ Don't know that Sub Hub
is the way to get this ♪
♪ Jeff Fischer here,
comin' on the scene ♪
♪ I'll support you either way,
babe, we're a team ♪
♪ All these little bitches
can suck my [BLEEP] ♪
♪ I'll tie Gucci Mane up
and beat him with a stick ♪
Gucci Mane, Imma straight up murder you.
I was here before you,
I'll be here long after you, Gucci Mane.
Gucci Mane, it's Klaus.
You need to get to the studio right now.
Your girl wants me, Gucci Mane.
You're getting clowned, Gucci Mane!
That was the worst Uber ride of my life.
It was a nightmare.
How long did he stop at that gas station
- to take a dump?
- Which time?
A-And what about that fish dinner
he was picking at the whole time?
He was only eating the bones!
"Please let us know how
your ride with Ernie was."
- Ha!
- One star.
[BLEEP] him up, Steve.
I-I feel bad.
These guys get fired if
their rating falls below 4.6.
I don't want to take
fish off his dashboard.
Fine. Give him four stars.
It won't ruin his life,
but it will send a message.
Now it's asking how much tip to leave.
Dude, dude, dude!
Type a poop emoji! Do it!
These guys don't march.
Hayley. No phones at work.
Don't want you thinking
of the outside world.
Avocado on that?
Go to work, go home.
Avocado on that?
- Go to work, go home.
- Avocado on that?
- Go to work, go home.
- Avocado on that?
Go to work, go home.
Avocado on that?
Go to work, go home.
Avocado on that?
Go to work, go home.
- Avocado on that?
- Go to work, go home.
- Go to work, go home.
- Avocado on that?
Aah!
- Avocado...
- Aah!
And... done.
Get in. I quit Sub Hub,
and now we live in your van.
I did it. I broke free.
Bye-bye, Sub Hub!
Smell ya later, road map!
And who needs keys?
All doors are open.
Babe, how are we gonna pay for stuff?
Your prayers have been answered.
Roger?
Have you been here the whole time?
Yeah. Have you not heard me?
I've literally been playing
music back here the whole time.
I know how you can pay for stuff.
You two can be van lifers.
Then you monetize it.
What? I'm... I'm confused.
He gets it.
Van life is huge on Instagram.
People show themselves living in a van,
going to cool places.
They get tons of followers,
and then companies sponsor them
and pay for their sunset-filled lives.
- Sign us up!
- What's happening?
Now, you'll need an agent
to find those sponsors and do the deals.
And, of course, I am an agent.
Ugh! But, honestly, honestly,
I do not have space
for any new clients right now.
Ugh! This is so frustrating
because I like you so much.
I didn't want to like you.
Come on. Be our agent.
I don't have the time!
Unnngh! Lea'me alone!
I promised my wife!
It can't be me!
It has to be me.
Damn it, I'm doing it.
Great! This way,
we can stay on the road!
All right! What an exciting time for us.
The three friends.
I'm gonna do those deals!
I say this all the time,
but I'll say it again...
You can't look too good
for a Billy Joel concert.
Don't forget the hat.
I'll call us an Uber.
"Ernie is one minute away."
Ernie?
Is that the driver...?
It is.
I'm canceling.
Try Lyft.
"Ernie is one minute away."
Oh, God!
He's on Lyft too!
Why don't I just go on Tinder
and find a guy to drive us?
Oh! It's him!
He's everywhere!
I better drive.
Mom, why are you on Tinder?
I said I'll drive.
- Oh, God.
- Fish!
Feels light. No bones.
_
It's Ernie!
Back in the house!
- What the hell was that?
- I don't know!
That's the first time
it's ever happened to me.
Back door!
The back door's locked.
I'll get the key under the mat.
- Mom!
- That's the first time that's ever happened.
You gotta believe me!
Is this right? Am I making yoga?
I don't know, babe, but I do know
you're leaving footprints
all over the goddamn van!
- Hello?
- Hales, sup!
No sponsors yet,
but I got irons in the fire.
We're working towards the holy grail...
Açai Incorporated.
Like the berry?
Like the gold mine. It's a superfood.
Throw all your regular
food in the trash.
Unless it can cure the clap.
Because that's what açai did for me.
In 16 hours, I was back on the street,
circulating, just having a good time.
Roger! We need money.
Then you need to make
your life brandable.
I need glam shots.
My "Karate Kid" bush!
Eh, this looks scary.
People are going to expect
exciting content from our brand.
You need more speed!
Aah!
Go slower in the air. You're blurry.
Wah-aah!
Wah!
Whoa!
Aah!
Wah!
Ohh, Jeff, you're gonna love this...
We got it on the first shot.
That's great, babe.
Remember how I criticized you?
I was wrong.
Hello?
What up?! Time for breakfast.
I suggest some Jon's Green Mill Oats,
'cause they're your first sponsor.
That's super exciting, Roger!
Okay, gotta go. Rhonda!
Where the [BLEEP] are my deals?!
Jeff, get up! We gotta go to work.
I thought we didn't work?
We don't. Now get up!
We're gonna be late!
We were once trapped
working nine to five.
But now, the only time we
worry about is the present.
And our Raymond Roxbee watches
always tell us the present time.
Use code "Hayley-Jeff" for 15% off.
Life is fleeting,
so make each day special.
Make time for a sunrise.
Make time for a loved one.
Make a permanent mark on your life...
with Cosmo Dry Erase Markers.
Now with orange.
Mama, we're out of food.
Can't we order some delivery?
No. Ernie works for every app.
Now hush up. Dinner's almost ready.
The last stick of gum?
But what will we eat on Christmas?
What's up, ya gum-eatin' bastards?
Sorry, I'm just riding high
'cause I hired someone off TaskRabbit
to put together my bookshelf.
TaskRabbit the app?
And he's coming here?
That's right.
This boss owns a bookshelf.
A gift from my good friend Gucci Mane.
Who are you friends with?
Being a loser?
Probably.
Hey, who put this couch here?
Tuttle?
Oh, dingdoodle,
this isn't my house.
Babe, Vista Point, two miles.
Should we check it out?
Are you nuts?
We need a shot of us eating calzones
on the Hoover Dam without
a care in the world
by sundown!
Now step on it!
Not the brakes! The gas!
No! All we ever do is post
and caption and hashtag.
And I'm sick of sniffing
markers all the time!
I'm not making you do that.
We need a break!
Wow, this is beautiful.
Right? See what happens
when you get off Instagram for a while?
How did you find this place?
On Instagram.
Thank God for Instagram.
I'm so glad you made me do this.
Made us do this, babe.
Ooh, you know, it's a little chilly.
I'm gonna go snatch my serape.
Snatch away, babe.
What are you doing?
Oh, this?
Just testing... the nature.
Did it test positive for genital lies?!
What up, nomads?
I got three words for you... ah-sigh-ee.
We landed the big sponsorship.
See? It's all paying off.
We can go anywhere and do anything.
Then I want to go home and do nothing!
The whole point of this was to get away
from being a worker drone,
and here you are, working like crazy.
This isn't work.
You're lying to yourself.
What are you gonna say next?
The sky isn't blue?
Whatever color it is or isn't,
it's the perfect background
for Señor Thomson's Frozen Wontons.
And since you can't see that,
you're no help to me out here.
- Babe...
- Sorry, Jeff.
You should go home.
- Oh.
- Here. For the drive.
I can't hear you.
Are you asking if I'm
sleeping with the pilot?
Lord knows I'm trying.
Actually, no need to climb up.
You can't get past me.
I'm stuck, arms are jelly.
So, Lance, you were right.
I shouldn't have rode in like this.
I was trying to be a big shot,
and, well, to be honest, I'm in trouble.
But don't panic, Lance.
Panicking won't help anybody.
Lance, quick update...
I panicked and let go.
So, any solution involving the ladder,
well, that's out.
Now we're working on
slowing down a free-fall.
The tools I have at my
disposal are a bullhorn.
Can you lose the headband?
It's screwing up the green screen.
Actually can't. I have a doctor's note.
Whoa-ho!
First trip to the Grand Canyon?
If you're gonna hike down,
make sure to bring enough water.
That's how my friend died.
I'm Cameron Smiles,
CEO of Açai Incorporated.
- How's it going?
- These promos are fun.
- But I'm excited to get out on the open road.
- You're on it!
With the magic of green screen,
you can go anywhere!
Why don't we head to Wacky-kiki Beach?
Mike! Give us Wacky-kiki.
♪ Surf surfin' ♪
♪ Beach Boys, yeah ♪
I'm the big ca-hoota!
See you on the half pipe, fish tacos!
It looks so good on the monitor!
So we shoot everything
in front of the screen?
I'm never really going anywhere?
How can you say that when you're...
suddenly on the moon!
Give us spacesuits, Mike!
Well, I guess a fake moon
beats real Sub Hub.
That's my motto.
So, um, let's say we bring in Jeff.
- But I-I told Jeff to go home.
- Good call.
But you're not gonna
want new Jeff to go home.
Jeff 2.0 is super hot, super punctual,
and best of all?
He's 100% hologram!
Wait, this guy's real?
Mike, we're working on
the hologram stuff, right?
Getting closer every day, boss!
He's almost done.
Why didn't we run?
He went to his car like 10
times to get more tools.
All finished.
Now to take care of one last thing.
Oh, great, you're done.
Hmm.
And I'm guessing you
didn't use this washer
because they gave an
extra one by mistake?
Hate to tell you, buddy,
but IKEA doesn't make mistakes.
My hands are tied here.
You're getting four stars.
Four stars?
It's just a washer.
Back talk? Three stars.
They should write about you
in Laffy Taffy wrappers,
'cause you're a [BLEEP] joke, bro!
Klaus, I wouldn't...
This is good for us.
I'm gonna eat your bones.
How 'bout you bite my ass?
Two stars.
The curse is his now.
Slit my throat?
One star.
Uh, what's going on?
Hayley! Something so rad happened.
We signed some new talent,
and she and Jeff just gelled.
Totally organic. Anyway,
she's taking your spot on the account.
What? Wait, you mean my account?
Well, you signed ownership over to us.
But what if I told you we
could use you in Brazil?
- Real Brazil.
- I'd say sign me up.
No need.
You already signed the Brazil Clause.
Actually, we didn't get a signature
on the Brazil Clause, boss.
What?!
I need that thing, like, right now!
- I'll still go.
- Oh, that'd be perfect.
Mike, you wanna shoot a Brazil Clause
over to the printer?
Let's head to the printer.
That's where the Brazil
Clause'll come out.
This thing's a workhorse.
_
All right! We out here!
What a great farm.
I'm gonna get some great shots.
Whoa! I know him. He's a van lifer.
And so is he.
What the hell is going on here?
Pick berries.
Hashtag slave life.
Oh, my God.
Is this where Açai Incorporated
sends influencers when
they get replaced?
Yes. Now go to work!
Then go home?
No!
Only go to work.
Go to work, go to work.
Go to work, go to work.
Welcome to the short march.
Oh, man, the march!
So hungry.
Ooh, one left.
Aah-ja-ja!
Is this the pile for medical attention?
It's a death trench, dummy.
This is my trench now.
Hayley! Where are you?!
Jeff?
Hashtag rescue!
Jeff.
Hey... babe.
How did you find me?
I follow the guy who
releases the guard monkeys
on Instagram.
Thank God for Instagram, right?
No, Jeff. Thank God for you.
You... almost saved me.
I'm so sorry.
Oh, my God. My arm.
Açai juice really is a...
Superfood!
No!
They're drinking the undiluted juice!
Whoa.
Whoa!
Aah!
Whoooa!
_
Let's get the hell outta here!
I love you so much, Jeff!
Superfood!
Go to work, go home.
Go to work, go home.
- Ah!
- Superfood.
Jeff, you can't visit me at work
until you go back to normal.
Superfood?
You're still holding that bullet?
Just drop it.
Superfood?
Bye! Have a beautiful time!
More like "Bored's Head," right?
I literally said that
joke to you yesterday.
Yeah. I'm stealin' it.
Hey, team?
Uh, gather round for a sec.
Tommy! Tommy!
I almost sold a sandwich.
- Why didn't you?
- I dropped it.
But I put it aside so we
can eat it later, chief.
Okay, Dino.
Tommy and Dino to the end!
Right, right. Okay.
I'm sorry to say that our
assistant manager George
- passed away last night.
- Who?
George worked here a long
time and loved his work.
He even mentioned Sub Hub six
times in his suicide note.
Anyway, we need someone
to take his place.
- What day did you start?
- Tuesday.
- Uh-huh. And you?
- Wednesday.
Hayley, looks like you're
our new assistant manager.
But it was Wednesday three years ago.
You know we go
by day of the week, Chloe.
So, it's basic stuff...
time cards, inventory,
taking George's dead body
down from the ceiling fan.
Cool. Dino, go get George down.
You got it, Hayley!
Hayley and Dino to the end!
Uh, his hands are tied behind his back.
We sure this is a suicide?
Just do your job!
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
♪ I got a feelin'
that it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪
♪ The sun in the sky has
a smile on his face ♪
♪ And he's shinin'
a salute to the American race ♪
♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪
- ♪ Good... ♪
- ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
Aah!
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
Hey, babe!
Hey, ba... Oh, my God!
Hayley!
Jeff here says you got a promotion.
Is this true or is Jeff playing
a dirty little trick on me?
Yes! They made me assistant manager.
Let him go!
Oh, Hayley!
I've been so disappointed
in you for so long!
Completely given up on you as a father.
- You what?
- Oh, yeah!
But now that you've
turned things around,
I got you a gift.
A day planner?
Yeah. And the best part?
I've already filled it out for you.
"Go to work, go home.
Go to work, go home.
- Go to work, go home."
- Go to work, go home.
- "Go to work, go home."
- Go to work, go home.
Welcome to the long march.
Ohh, I envy you.
Just starting out on a job you'll do
for the next 40 years.
The turbulent wave of life's
joy and despair will become...
a flat line.
Eeeeeee!
What?
Soon you'll be marching to work,
clockin' in and out, marching home,
over and over and over.
You'll be 30, 40, 50, 60.
Eeeeeee!
The march ends at the grave.
It's just a promotion.
There's that vacant stare
of a fellow marcher.
Aw, man, the march!
Did I make a mistake?
I mean, look, I took the promotion
because, like, future is female,
but what if I get trapped
in some monotonous life?
Remember what Dr. Ronson said...
Sometimes your feelings
come out more clearly
in free-style rap.
Babe, do you want me to drop a beat?
Maybe you should.
♪ I wanted a life
of experience and freshness ♪
♪ Don't know that Sub Hub
is the way to get this ♪
♪ Jeff Fischer here,
comin' on the scene ♪
♪ I'll support you either way,
babe, we're a team ♪
♪ All these little bitches
can suck my [BLEEP] ♪
♪ I'll tie Gucci Mane up
and beat him with a stick ♪
Gucci Mane, Imma straight up murder you.
I was here before you,
I'll be here long after you, Gucci Mane.
Gucci Mane, it's Klaus.
You need to get to the studio right now.
Your girl wants me, Gucci Mane.
You're getting clowned, Gucci Mane!
That was the worst Uber ride of my life.
It was a nightmare.
How long did he stop at that gas station
- to take a dump?
- Which time?
A-And what about that fish dinner
he was picking at the whole time?
He was only eating the bones!
"Please let us know how
your ride with Ernie was."
- Ha!
- One star.
[BLEEP] him up, Steve.
I-I feel bad.
These guys get fired if
their rating falls below 4.6.
I don't want to take
fish off his dashboard.
Fine. Give him four stars.
It won't ruin his life,
but it will send a message.
Now it's asking how much tip to leave.
Dude, dude, dude!
Type a poop emoji! Do it!
These guys don't march.
Hayley. No phones at work.
Don't want you thinking
of the outside world.
Avocado on that?
Go to work, go home.
Avocado on that?
- Go to work, go home.
- Avocado on that?
- Go to work, go home.
- Avocado on that?
Go to work, go home.
Avocado on that?
Go to work, go home.
Avocado on that?
Go to work, go home.
- Avocado on that?
- Go to work, go home.
- Go to work, go home.
- Avocado on that?
Aah!
- Avocado...
- Aah!
And... done.
Get in. I quit Sub Hub,
and now we live in your van.
I did it. I broke free.
Bye-bye, Sub Hub!
Smell ya later, road map!
And who needs keys?
All doors are open.
Babe, how are we gonna pay for stuff?
Your prayers have been answered.
Roger?
Have you been here the whole time?
Yeah. Have you not heard me?
I've literally been playing
music back here the whole time.
I know how you can pay for stuff.
You two can be van lifers.
Then you monetize it.
What? I'm... I'm confused.
He gets it.
Van life is huge on Instagram.
People show themselves living in a van,
going to cool places.
They get tons of followers,
and then companies sponsor them
and pay for their sunset-filled lives.
- Sign us up!
- What's happening?
Now, you'll need an agent
to find those sponsors and do the deals.
And, of course, I am an agent.
Ugh! But, honestly, honestly,
I do not have space
for any new clients right now.
Ugh! This is so frustrating
because I like you so much.
I didn't want to like you.
Come on. Be our agent.
I don't have the time!
Unnngh! Lea'me alone!
I promised my wife!
It can't be me!
It has to be me.
Damn it, I'm doing it.
Great! This way,
we can stay on the road!
All right! What an exciting time for us.
The three friends.
I'm gonna do those deals!
I say this all the time,
but I'll say it again...
You can't look too good
for a Billy Joel concert.
Don't forget the hat.
I'll call us an Uber.
"Ernie is one minute away."
Ernie?
Is that the driver...?
It is.
I'm canceling.
Try Lyft.
"Ernie is one minute away."
Oh, God!
He's on Lyft too!
Why don't I just go on Tinder
and find a guy to drive us?
Oh! It's him!
He's everywhere!
I better drive.
Mom, why are you on Tinder?
I said I'll drive.
- Oh, God.
- Fish!
Feels light. No bones.
_
It's Ernie!
Back in the house!
- What the hell was that?
- I don't know!
That's the first time
it's ever happened to me.
Back door!
The back door's locked.
I'll get the key under the mat.
- Mom!
- That's the first time that's ever happened.
You gotta believe me!
Is this right? Am I making yoga?
I don't know, babe, but I do know
you're leaving footprints
all over the goddamn van!
- Hello?
- Hales, sup!
No sponsors yet,
but I got irons in the fire.
We're working towards the holy grail...
Açai Incorporated.
Like the berry?
Like the gold mine. It's a superfood.
Throw all your regular
food in the trash.
Unless it can cure the clap.
Because that's what açai did for me.
In 16 hours, I was back on the street,
circulating, just having a good time.
Roger! We need money.
Then you need to make
your life brandable.
I need glam shots.
My "Karate Kid" bush!
Eh, this looks scary.
People are going to expect
exciting content from our brand.
You need more speed!
Aah!
Go slower in the air. You're blurry.
Wah-aah!
Wah!
Whoa!
Aah!
Wah!
Ohh, Jeff, you're gonna love this...
We got it on the first shot.
That's great, babe.
Remember how I criticized you?
I was wrong.
Hello?
What up?! Time for breakfast.
I suggest some Jon's Green Mill Oats,
'cause they're your first sponsor.
That's super exciting, Roger!
Okay, gotta go. Rhonda!
Where the [BLEEP] are my deals?!
Jeff, get up! We gotta go to work.
I thought we didn't work?
We don't. Now get up!
We're gonna be late!
We were once trapped
working nine to five.
But now, the only time we
worry about is the present.
And our Raymond Roxbee watches
always tell us the present time.
Use code "Hayley-Jeff" for 15% off.
Life is fleeting,
so make each day special.
Make time for a sunrise.
Make time for a loved one.
Make a permanent mark on your life...
with Cosmo Dry Erase Markers.
Now with orange.
Mama, we're out of food.
Can't we order some delivery?
No. Ernie works for every app.
Now hush up. Dinner's almost ready.
The last stick of gum?
But what will we eat on Christmas?
What's up, ya gum-eatin' bastards?
Sorry, I'm just riding high
'cause I hired someone off TaskRabbit
to put together my bookshelf.
TaskRabbit the app?
And he's coming here?
That's right.
This boss owns a bookshelf.
A gift from my good friend Gucci Mane.
Who are you friends with?
Being a loser?
Probably.
Hey, who put this couch here?
Tuttle?
Oh, dingdoodle,
this isn't my house.
Babe, Vista Point, two miles.
Should we check it out?
Are you nuts?
We need a shot of us eating calzones
on the Hoover Dam without
a care in the world
by sundown!
Now step on it!
Not the brakes! The gas!
No! All we ever do is post
and caption and hashtag.
And I'm sick of sniffing
markers all the time!
I'm not making you do that.
We need a break!
Wow, this is beautiful.
Right? See what happens
when you get off Instagram for a while?
How did you find this place?
On Instagram.
Thank God for Instagram.
I'm so glad you made me do this.
Made us do this, babe.
Ooh, you know, it's a little chilly.
I'm gonna go snatch my serape.
Snatch away, babe.
What are you doing?
Oh, this?
Just testing... the nature.
Did it test positive for genital lies?!
What up, nomads?
I got three words for you... ah-sigh-ee.
We landed the big sponsorship.
See? It's all paying off.
We can go anywhere and do anything.
Then I want to go home and do nothing!
The whole point of this was to get away
from being a worker drone,
and here you are, working like crazy.
This isn't work.
You're lying to yourself.
What are you gonna say next?
The sky isn't blue?
Whatever color it is or isn't,
it's the perfect background
for Señor Thomson's Frozen Wontons.
And since you can't see that,
you're no help to me out here.
- Babe...
- Sorry, Jeff.
You should go home.
- Oh.
- Here. For the drive.
I can't hear you.
Are you asking if I'm
sleeping with the pilot?
Lord knows I'm trying.
Actually, no need to climb up.
You can't get past me.
I'm stuck, arms are jelly.
So, Lance, you were right.
I shouldn't have rode in like this.
I was trying to be a big shot,
and, well, to be honest, I'm in trouble.
But don't panic, Lance.
Panicking won't help anybody.
Lance, quick update...
I panicked and let go.
So, any solution involving the ladder,
well, that's out.
Now we're working on
slowing down a free-fall.
The tools I have at my
disposal are a bullhorn.
Can you lose the headband?
It's screwing up the green screen.
Actually can't. I have a doctor's note.
Whoa-ho!
First trip to the Grand Canyon?
If you're gonna hike down,
make sure to bring enough water.
That's how my friend died.
I'm Cameron Smiles,
CEO of Açai Incorporated.
- How's it going?
- These promos are fun.
- But I'm excited to get out on the open road.
- You're on it!
With the magic of green screen,
you can go anywhere!
Why don't we head to Wacky-kiki Beach?
Mike! Give us Wacky-kiki.
♪ Surf surfin' ♪
♪ Beach Boys, yeah ♪
I'm the big ca-hoota!
See you on the half pipe, fish tacos!
It looks so good on the monitor!
So we shoot everything
in front of the screen?
I'm never really going anywhere?
How can you say that when you're...
suddenly on the moon!
Give us spacesuits, Mike!
Well, I guess a fake moon
beats real Sub Hub.
That's my motto.
So, um, let's say we bring in Jeff.
- But I-I told Jeff to go home.
- Good call.
But you're not gonna
want new Jeff to go home.
Jeff 2.0 is super hot, super punctual,
and best of all?
He's 100% hologram!
Wait, this guy's real?
Mike, we're working on
the hologram stuff, right?
Getting closer every day, boss!
He's almost done.
Why didn't we run?
He went to his car like 10
times to get more tools.
All finished.
Now to take care of one last thing.
Oh, great, you're done.
Hmm.
And I'm guessing you
didn't use this washer
because they gave an
extra one by mistake?
Hate to tell you, buddy,
but IKEA doesn't make mistakes.
My hands are tied here.
You're getting four stars.
Four stars?
It's just a washer.
Back talk? Three stars.
They should write about you
in Laffy Taffy wrappers,
'cause you're a [BLEEP] joke, bro!
Klaus, I wouldn't...
This is good for us.
I'm gonna eat your bones.
How 'bout you bite my ass?
Two stars.
The curse is his now.
Slit my throat?
One star.
Uh, what's going on?
Hayley! Something so rad happened.
We signed some new talent,
and she and Jeff just gelled.
Totally organic. Anyway,
she's taking your spot on the account.
What? Wait, you mean my account?
Well, you signed ownership over to us.
But what if I told you we
could use you in Brazil?
- Real Brazil.
- I'd say sign me up.
No need.
You already signed the Brazil Clause.
Actually, we didn't get a signature
on the Brazil Clause, boss.
What?!
I need that thing, like, right now!
- I'll still go.
- Oh, that'd be perfect.
Mike, you wanna shoot a Brazil Clause
over to the printer?
Let's head to the printer.
That's where the Brazil
Clause'll come out.
This thing's a workhorse.
_
All right! We out here!
What a great farm.
I'm gonna get some great shots.
Whoa! I know him. He's a van lifer.
And so is he.
What the hell is going on here?
Pick berries.
Hashtag slave life.
Oh, my God.
Is this where Açai Incorporated
sends influencers when
they get replaced?
Yes. Now go to work!
Then go home?
No!
Only go to work.
Go to work, go to work.
Go to work, go to work.
Welcome to the short march.
Oh, man, the march!
So hungry.
Ooh, one left.
Aah-ja-ja!
Is this the pile for medical attention?
It's a death trench, dummy.
This is my trench now.
Hayley! Where are you?!
Jeff?
Hashtag rescue!
Jeff.
Hey... babe.
How did you find me?
I follow the guy who
releases the guard monkeys
on Instagram.
Thank God for Instagram, right?
No, Jeff. Thank God for you.
You... almost saved me.
I'm so sorry.
Oh, my God. My arm.
Açai juice really is a...
Superfood!
No!
They're drinking the undiluted juice!
Whoa.
Whoa!
Aah!
Whoooa!
_
Let's get the hell outta here!
I love you so much, Jeff!
Superfood!
Go to work, go home.
Go to work, go home.
- Ah!
- Superfood.
Jeff, you can't visit me at work
until you go back to normal.
Superfood?
You're still holding that bullet?
Just drop it.
Superfood?
Bye! Have a beautiful time!