American Dad! (2005–…): Season 14, Episode 6 - Lost Boys - full transcript

Today is our 10th Friendiversary.

10 years ago, four kids entered
a Chuck E. Cheese ball pit

as strangers, but they emerged...

They emerged best friends.

I promised myself I wouldn't do this!

Let's skip the speech and
go straight to dessert.

♪ In a Chuck E. Cheese ♪

♪ These four boys will meet ♪

♪ It's our Friendiversary ♪

♪ Friendiversary ♪

♪ We're Snot, we're Barry,
we're Steve, and Toshi ♪



♪ It's our Friendiversary ♪

♪ Friendiversary ♪

♪ It's our Friendiversary-y-y-y-y ♪

Squash, squash, squash! Squash, squash!

Roger needs a squash partner!

- Roger!
- Steve!

Big squash tourney tomorrow.

I need you to be my squash partner.

Squash.

I don't even know what squash is.

What?! Everyone knows squash.

- Roger.
- Squash.

It's our Friendiversary.

My week is jam-packed
with friendship activities.



Jam-packed!

- But, Steve...
- I'm not gonna ditch my friends.

Sorry, you'll need to find
another squash partner.

Everybody at the club is paired up,

and the club doesn't allow blacks,
Jews, or women.

That rules out my tennis partner,
Rashika Greenblatt.

The racism is thick,
but so is the club's lobster bisque,

which is why I'll never walk away.

♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪

♪ I got a feelin'
that it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪

♪ The sun in the sky has
a smile on his face ♪

♪ And he's shinin'
a salute to the American race ♪

♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪

- ♪ Good... ♪
- ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪

Aah!

♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪

If you have the legendary shards,

I recommend you visit Xur on Titan

and purchase the Wardcliff
Coil Rocket Launcher.

Then get the legendary shards,
you [BLEEP] licking suckboy!

Third graders.

I can't believe it.

I asked Steve to play squash

and he wouldn't cancel
plans with his friends.

Those guys are tight, bro.

They remind me of my boys in Tampa.

You don't have friends in Tampa.

Okay, pal.

Then why do I have a tattoo

of an alligator in a
bikini driving down I-4?

Oh, you made me lose!

Make him lose... his friends.

Excellent idea, Klaus!

Slow down, lady. Your son is a liar.

What?! He was the one swearing at me,

and he made a Chinese joke!

Oh, w... well, I'm Chinese, too!

Man, look at the splash back.

Got that Super Soaker thrust.

You're just painting those
Entertainment Weekly's

in the magazine rack.

Your flattery won't
get me to play squash.

Squ-what?

I haven't thought about that in ages.

You seemed really into it,
like, 10 minutes ago.

Speaking of minutes ago,

how many has it been since Barry ate?

What a fat guy, don't you think?

He does struggle with weight,

but I love my Care Bare, big or small.

Speaking of small,

what about Snot's bank account,
am I right?

Oh, Snotter, so poor in money,
so rich in character.

You're impossible.

I'm not gonna keep recording over

all my great business
ideas for this crap.

A novelty device that
transforms Julia Child's voice

into a deep, scary monster voice.

Oh, wait. Oh, wait, did I miss my stop?

I'm looking for the ferry to Alcatraz.

Or is it swimmable? I'm on a budget.

This is my first time in San Francisco.

That's not true. Why did I say that?

I almost lost this because of you!

This is pretty interesting.

Four 12-year-old kids
designed a computer

that destroyed all of Cincinnati.

- Wow.
- Oh, misread it.

It was 412 1-year-olds.

That's a lot less interesting.

You guys aren't gonna believe this.

Jeff has a talent!

- Bullshit.
- It's true.

We were just watching
the house-renovation show

"Flip or Flop,"
and Jeff knew when to flip

and he knew when to flop.

- I did.
- How is this possible?

Mom, when you look around the house,
what do you see?

Walls.

Just a lot of walls.

Walls. What a noob.

What do we see, Jeff, you and I?

When I look at a house,

I can see beyond the walls...

- Uh-huh.
- ...above the ceiling...

- That's right.
- ...and below the floor.

- Bingo.
- I can see its bones.

Happy now, Francine?

If we combine his instincts
with your money,

the sky's the limit.

The sky, you say?

He's surveying the bones of our house.

He is? Well, don't hold out on us, Jeff.

What do you see?

Your house has great bones.

Wow, he's good.

Do me, do me! How are my bones?

You're not a house, Mr. S.

A goddamn master.

_

Kick those legs, Barry!

I can't do it! Swan!

I'll never learn to swim.

Barry.

Barry.

Stop making me laugh.

There's that smile!

Aww, I love you guys.

Steve, I set up a cabana
and filled it with strippers.

Roger, go away.

It's Friendiversary swim day.

Why don't you come over here
and swim into some strange?

This is Steve, the underage boy
I was telling you about.

You really don't get it, huh?

These are my friends,

and I'll never turn my back on them.

You can tell yourself that,
but you'll slip up,

just like I told myself
I was never gonna see

another Woody Allen movie,
but there I was,

first in line for "Blue Jasmine."

So boring, so good.

This neighborhood looks kind of seedy.

Is that a Satanic church next door?

They practice Santería.

I don't know the difference,
but I'm told there is one.

Has anyone died in here?

It feels like someone died in here.

No! God no.

The last owner was stabbed in the house,

but he managed to crawl
to the lawn before he died.

Jeff, tell us about the house.

Quite possibly the greatest
bones I've ever seen.

Let's see them bones!

What the hell are you doing?!

You know what? Screw it.

I'm quitting this industry.

I have quit a lot of industries, though.

I'm reconsidering.

Guess what. I'm back, babies!

Aah!

You know what? I'm quitting this body.

I have quit a lot of bodies, though.

I'm reconsidering.

10 years ago, we met within the hallowed

and ultimately unprofitable
walls of this Chuck E. Cheese.

The ball pit gave life
to our friendship.

But it also gave life to a super fungus

that blinded an entire
Little League team

and closed the doors forever.

And now we immortalize our friendship

with some light vandalism.

_

_

Ugh, Toshi, that sucks.

That's right, Banksy.

"American Dad's" calling you a hack!

Reveal your identity and fight us.

"American Dad"... We are...

_

Who disturbs my slumber?

Aah!

You vandalized my beautiful home!

It wasn't my idea!

Uh, Snot, Barry,
and Toshi made me do it!

Whoa, you turned
on your friends so fast.

- I didn't even get to...
- ...clamp your balls in a mouse trap.

Clamp their balls, not mine!

T-They can't be far.
I'll... I'll help you find them.

Toshi lives closest.
I say we go there first.

And we can trap Barry with food.

He'll eat himself to death
like a goldfish.

There's a lot of fight in Snot,

but we can nab him when he's weakest...

Right after he sells his plasma.

Nah, I've got rat stuff to do.

Good luck digging yourself
out of this hole, Steve.

How do you know my name?

Uh...

Chuck E. Cheese knows

all the children's names.

So... should we report
the guy in the rat costume

assaulting kids?

I'm more concerned about
the rat in the guy costume

assaulting friendships.

- Snotter...
- Don't Snotter me.

You betrayed us!

I haven't felt this betrayed
since "Scrubs" moved to ABC!

How old were you when that happened?

Well, how old am I now and when
was that, and now subtract.

Think, Snot. Think!

This bad blood... this is on you!

Snot, please take me back as a friend.

I can't get Bluetooth to sync,

but pretend it's playing
your favorite Matisyahu song.

So I should just pretend

his entire catalogue is
playing at the same time?

Fat chance!

You backstabbed us
during Friendiversary!

0-for-3.

I'd say you're 3-for-3
at losing your friends.

Perfect record, bud.

Thanks for putting
a positive spin on it.

Looks like you're the
only friend I have left.

We all make mistakes,
but life is like a game of squash.

You got to keep on whackin'.

I forgot all about your tournament.

- Rotten Steve!
- You stop that right now.

I doubt there's even time
to enter the tournament.

Well, we could make the cutoff.

But we wouldn't be able
to take my friend Nancy's

hot aerobics class before.

Would you be willing to play

without taking Nancy's
hot aerobics, Steve?

Honestly, we won't be as loose.

Okay. I'll be your squash partner.

You're giving me a second
chance at friendship,

and this time, I'm gonna do it right.

- Oh!
- You're doing it wrong!

Damn it, Steve, clear a path!

You got it, friend.

Get a clue, Steve.

[BLEEP]

Well played, Chip. Your serve.

Hey, Rog,
the kid's all covered in welts.

- Your serve, Chip.
- How about we call it?

How about you serve, Chip?

Okay, Steve,
clear that path and we got this.

Clear a path!

Path!

Clear it!

Aah!

[BLEEP]

Hell of a game.
Nice backhand today, Bob.

My partner just didn't have it.

Is he gonna be okay?

Are you gonna be okay?

Hey, you just worry
about the next round.

Go win this thing.

What are we doing next?

I don't understand.

You're acting like we're friends,

but you're bad at squash.
What am I missing here?

You're missing high-quality backpacks

made out of recycled materials!

- I am?
- "I am?"

Just kidding.
Step inside. I'll hook you up.

- Steve, I'm gonna do this.
- I'll come with.

"I'll come with."

- You're worse than this guy.
- You stay.

You are really funny.

They don't make bones like this anymore.

Damn right. So, what's the next step?

- Renovations?
- And cover up these bones?

Mr. S, are you the stupidest
person I've ever met?

- Jeff!
- No, he's right.

I spoke out of turn. Go on, Jeff.

It's time to flip this house,

and I recommend we only
consider all-cash offers.

A goddamn master.

I wish you weren't married, Chip.

I bet your wife doesn't do this, Chip.

Wakey, wakey.

I made you breakfast in bed.

It's cold because
it's almost dinnertime.

- Okay, we need to talk.
- Best friend talk.

- Shut up and listen to me.
- Best friend listen.

Our so-called "friendship" was based on

a mutual love of squash,
which you didn't share.

This is over.

But... But you're my only friend!

No. Now clear a path.

Sure thing, buddy.

See? We can make this work.

You've got a clingy friend
on your hands, bro.

I'm gonna head over to the pier
and work on my robot man routine.

Everything will be normal
by the time I get back.

Ahh, there's so many
sick piers in Tampa.

My boy Vance basically lives there.

He makes bank selling
butterfly knives to tourists.

Nobody believes you
have friends in Tampa.

Oh, yeah? Then where did I
get skin cancer, smart guy?

Beep, boop, beep, beep, boop.

Beep, boop, boop, beep...

Dad, that robot wants money.

...beep, beep, boop, boop, beep...

Stay away from him.
These guys have diseases.

Shut up! You don't know me.

You're just a lucky guesser.

Beep, boop, beep...

I'm Robot Man's best friend, Gold Boy.

It's me... Steve.

Get lost, Gold Boy.

No can do.

I'm your sidekick for all eternity.

And in real life, too.

- Beep, boop!
- Aah!

Beep.

Hello! Welcome.

So, it's protective booties
for everyone.

- I'm sure you've noticed the bones.
- Huh?

So, we're asking potential buyers

for a heartfelt letter outlining
why you should get the house.

Sorry, I thought
this house was abandoned.

See, my girlfriend has diarrhea,

and I wanted to shoot up a little.

Damn it! No one wants this house.

Nobody cares about bones.

Jeff screwed us!

Jeffrey, is this true?

Did you screw us?

Looks like I did, Mr. S.

Okay, you can kill him.

Run, babe!

We're all gonna need fresh
booties to go back in!

I can't get rid of Steve.

Courtney, my boy in Tampa,

he had a clinger like this.

Florida State girl.

You know how that goes.

Actually, I don't, and neither do you

because none of those people exist.

I have an actual crisis!

What did you expect?

You blew up his entire support
system for a squash partner.

Roger, you in there?

- You going wee-wee?
- What do I do, Klaus?

Instead of losing Steve,

you should be reuniting
him with his old friends.

Peek-a-boo!

Aah! You got me, buddy!

How can I reunite Steve and his friends?

Well, to learn about that,
you have to learn about friendship,

and if you want to
learn about friendship,

we have to go to Tampa.

There's no way you
have friends in Tampa.

But a little trip to get away
from Steve, I'm in.

Pack for the heat.
You got any tank tops?

I have a framed sleeveless
Aaron Rodgers jersey.

Hmm. Do you own a glass cutter?

I do, but it's also framed.

Okay, grab both frames

and we'll figure it out
on the way to the airport.

Steve won't stop texting.

"In line at a goat cheese sale.

Pick you up a log?"

Can you believe this guy?

"Two logs."

Relax.

Steve just has to reunite
with his old friends,

and once you see how
tight me and my boys are,

you'll know how to make that happen.

Now stop worrying and take
in these Florida swamps.

Wow, so these are the people

who decide who's president every time.

We gon' make Hulk Hogan president!

You know best!

There's a doorbell.

When you show up at a friend's house,

make sure you bring a fancy gift.

Here, give these blunt wraps to Big Ed.

You're gonna love these dudes.

They're so funny.

'Sup?

'Sup?

Whoa, no way.

Your friends are real.

Look at this.
There's an inside, and more guys!

This is my boy, Roger. He's chill.

He's here to learn about friendship.

- 'Sup?
- 'Sup?

Whoa, Klaus' stories are for real?

I can't believe it.
Astroturf rug... check.

Unlicensed exotic animal storage...
check.

The fan that's never on

despite it being 120 degrees in here...
check.

But surely the torn poster
was a work of fiction.

The torn poster!

In all its glory.

Please, please take me
to the toilet Big Ed cracked

when he sat on it backwards.

What the hell are you doing out there?

What? I was chill.

Was I not chill?

No, you're being all crazy.

What was that bullshit about the fan?

I told you that in confidence.

Okay, sorry.

I'm chill now.

Holy [BLEEP] is that the water moccasin

Vance took to the Orlando premier of
"Scary Movie 4"?!

Pull yourself together, man.

Grab a room-temperature
Otterpop from the lighter drawer

and just... cool out.

I'll go try to smooth
it over with the guys.

Roger, where are you going?

We haven't solved your Steve problem.

I think I got my problem solved.

♪ Y'all gon' make me lose my mind ♪

♪ Up in here ♪

My mom and dad are gonna kill us!

These walls won't hold forever!

This is all my fault, babe.

I never knew anything
about flipping houses.

I just wanted to be closer to you.

Oh, babe.

I love you for who you are.

And so ends

the greatest love story ever told.

♪ Y'all gon' make me act a fool ♪

♪ Up in here, up in here ♪

Roger, you returned to me!

♪ Y'all gon' make me lose my cool ♪

♪ Up in here, up in here ♪

- Whose car is this?
- Buckle up.

We're going to a Friendiversary event.

Oh, those guys don't want to see me.

Of course they want to see you.

- You're gonna save their lives.
- Huh?

♪ 'Cause you a soft type... What ♪

I figured out how to reunite
you with your friends.

♪ Dog is a dog,
blood's thicker than water ♪

I put a water moccasin
into the Chesterbrook pool,

and then I invited your
friends to play Marco Polo

with Olympic great Michael Phelps.

People will believe anything
in a Facebook invite.

Fake news!

Oh, my God, why would you do that?!

So you can save their lives
and prove your loyalty.

Go get your friends back.

When Michael Phelps shows up,

please don't tell him I'm
sitting on six pool noodles.

Get out of the pool!

There's a deadly snake!

Save it, Steve.

I know I betrayed you,

but you got to believe me!

Save it.

You don't need to pretend
to save our lives.

We already forgive you, Steve.

What? Y-You do?

We got to talking,

and a giant rat grabbing us,

we all would've blabbed.

_

I can't believe I got
my best friends back.

You were saying something about a snake?

Oh, my God, the snake!

What's taking so long?

Loud batch of Natty Ice.

Oh, I dumped the wrong cooler.

There's no snake in here.

Roger must've lied to reunite us.

Guys, look! I'm swimming!

It's a Friendiversary miracle!

Snake!

Man down!

We need to find the bite
and suck out the venom!

Ooh!

Inner thigh.

I'll do it.

No. We're best friends,

and we'll all suck out the venom.

I think I finally understand friendship.

And so ends

the greatest love story ever told.

Have a great night!