American Dad! (2005–…): Season 14, Episode 16 - Pride Before the Fail - full transcript
_
First day of class. I'm back, baby!
Ah! I see no one's discovered
my secret parking spot.
Surf wheels!
Hayley's back!
Did you see me see Hayley?!
Sick trick, Hayley.
Excuse me, dear.
You seem very comfortable here.
Do you know where the
science trailer is?
Freshmen.
Come on. Roll with me.
Name's Hayley. I'll show you the ropes.
That's the first one.
There are six more around campus.
There's a lot of impromptu tug-of-war
happening around here.
Also kick the can.
Pretty much any trash you
see lying around campus,
we have a game for it.
This is the dining
hall and computer lab.
You should hear the fan in that Gateway.
Try opening AltaVista and "Wolfenstein"
at the same time.
Blow your [BLEEP] eardrums out.
Here's a gym.
Team's getting ready
for a big game tonight.
A foosball game?
You play? You should try out for JV.
No spinning, though. That's bitch play.
Wow. You really know your stuff.
Yeah, well, I love it here.
And I plan to stay for a long,
long time.
Hey, Hayley.
I thought I heard your wheels.
One more credit to go,
and you are out of here, huh?
What?! Th-That can't be right.
I was going through school records
and I found out you are one stamp away
from graduating.
But I don't want to graduate!
And I don't want to
help my gross mom get
in and out of her dumb wheelchair,
but she paid for my house, so...
You get what I'm saying, right?
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
♪ I got a feelin'
that it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪
♪ The sun in the sky has
a smile on his face ♪
♪ And he's shinin'
a salute to the American race ♪
♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪
- ♪ Good... ♪
- ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
Aah!
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
Roger, I need your help.
Well, you've come to the right place.
I'm Roger.
Did you know Groff is
only a two-year school?
I did know it was only two years,
but I thought, legally,
they couldn't call it a school.
They're gonna make me graduate!
- And you don't want to leave.
- No!
I am not ready for the real world...
Look at me.
Ah! A Peter Pan situation.
Well, you came to the right place.
I'm Roger.
Did I already say that? Doesn't matter.
Anyhoo, give me 24 hours,
and I'll have your solution.
Thanks. I knew
I could count on you, Roger.
Looking for Roger? That's me.
I'm Roger. Wait a second.
Oh, I'm cleaning with gin.
That means I've had
14 Pine-Sol martinis.
And explains why my
diarrhea cleaned the toilet.
I'm Roger.
So, this is the room for rent.
Obviously, it's got great natural light.
And a lot of shared walls.
Paper-thin.
That's good, because I play cool music.
Dad, what the hell?!
This is that problem
tenant I told you about.
Oh, hey, it's my little bookworm.
About to graduate, spread her wings,
and leave the nest.
Dad, I'm not going anywhere.
Actually, you are.
Family rules clearly state,
"After college,
"each child will forge out on their own
"without financial or emotional support
from the parents/guardians."
The "emotional" part felt a little cold,
but our lawyer at the time said
we need to protect ourselves.
Nice! I could get used to this.
Roger! You're trying to steal my room?
Yeah. I need it.
Made the mistake of
renting out the attic
as a practice space for Rogu's ska band.
They're terrible.
How do you screw up ska?
- You're supposed to be helping me.
- Sorry.
We got a drop-everything
kind of situation.
This room hasn't been on
the market in 19 years,
and the landlord doesn't have a friggin'
clue what it's worth.
Plus, I'm buds
with the guy in the next unit.
Make it happen, Rog!
Whoa! Look at all these
hot-sauce packets.
Del Taco Inferno!
I always want to ask for it,
but then I chicken out at the window.
Take them. My car lease is up,
and I got to get this thing cleaned out
before I take it in.
Mm... you've got a dent here.
Returning it like this is
leaving money on the table.
- Really?
- But...
I could pop it out for you
right here in the garage.
I used to be a little bit of an oil boy.
A what?
You know, a wrench monkey,
a muffler humper, a tire charmer.
A tailpipe Tony.
- You mean a mechanic?
- Wuz dat?
- Can you really fix the dent?
- Give me two days.
Do you want me to do anything
about the interior smell?
What smell?
Okay.
_
- I scheduled a 2:00.
- Hey, my number-one senior.
Sit down.
I have got such a good feeling
about you, Smith.
You're gonna make it on the outside.
You are destined for
the Groff Wall of Fame.
The what?
These are all the Groff alumni
who became famous.
This guy right here went on to be
the most prolific serial killer
in Virginia history.
These two... his first victims.
Oh, and this last one is
Linda Bloodworth-Thomason,
the creator of TV's "Designing Women."
She didn't go here.
Actually, Cheryl,
I'd really like to avoid graduating.
Totally understand.
Between us,
it is hell on the other side.
Oh, in fact,
I got to clock into my second job
at Yoshinoya Beef Bowl in 12 minutes.
And if I graduate,
I'm gonna be homeless.
There is one way to
stay here indefinitely,
but nobody's ever pulled it off.
I'll try anything.
Fail your class over and over
and then retake it forever.
A forever class! Of course!
Thank you.
Holy shit! I thought that was a poster!
Oh, my God. Was that my ex?
About yea high,
likes to show his entire gums?
Can eat an entire apple in seconds? Ugh!
You know what the sad part is?
I'm probably gonna take him back.
Hey, guess what.
I'm gonna intentionally fail this class.
Oh, we're friends?
Can you drive me to the vet after this?
My snake is sick.
I think I gave him an old mouse.
We have to pick him up
from my stepdad's house.
He lives in the woods.
Excuse me. Could you keep it down?
Some of us are trying to learn.
Roger?! What are you doing here?
It's Lacey Krinklehoel,
and I'm here to make sure you graduate.
This is about my room, isn't it?
Sure is. Can you believe it?
The valedictorian and star of
her high school's production
of "Pirates of Penzance"
is here to help you graduate.
You're lucky I couldn't go to Harvard
because my mom got super-sick...
Don't ask.
Now let's learn everything
there is to know about...
advanced theory?
Well, sorry, but you can't help me...
if I'm in my van, smokin' doobie smacks.
Professor,
what if we had class outside today?
Maybe in the parking lot,
next to Hayley's van?
Huh. Well, I would be closer
to my car when class ends.
And who knows...
Maybe Ms. Smith will share
those doobie smacks with
her favorite professor of...
advanced theory?
Lacey Krinklehoel?!
Right? Such a good student.
She worried about her grades so much,
it gave her rickets.
Look, I am failing this class,
and there is nothing you or
your boring persona can do
- to stop me.
- Boring?
Does liking horses sound boring?
Does reading "The Clan of the Cave Bear"
50 times sound boring?
Does collecting sand from every vacation
she goes on sound boring?
Well, that one sounds boring.
But not when you see the little jars.
Then it takes you right back
to that magical summer you went to...
sand.
Huh.
Hey, babe?
Aren't you going to be late for school?
New plan... not going.
Sure you are.
I didn't want to wake you,
but I didn't want you to miss class.
Roger, get us down from here!
Babe, could you keep it down?
And you're hogging all the blankets.
_
My favorite team is the Bazooka Sharks.
We pay in dollars.
In Germany, they use marks.
Pretty excited about my slam poem.
- How's yours?
- Non-existent.
Don't worry. Lacey's got you.
What i... What is it?
Different trees have different barks.
This poem is for Rosa Parks.
Ms. Smith, excellent work.
- Damn it! How did you...
- I was president of the A.V. Club.
I did all the special effects for
"Pirates of Penzance"
in addition to starring in it.
The high-school paper declared it...
"this year's musical."
Hey, Lacey,
this midterm's worth 40% of our grade.
Does this look like an "A"?
It looks like an innocent horse's penis,
but...
hanging from a man.
You can't turn that in.
Professor, I was thinking,
what if this midterm
didn't count at all toward our grade?
Huh. I like that.
Shoot. But then what would count?
The final... a speech that would count
for 100% of our grade.
100%?
That's what we're trying to get to.
And what if we do it in teams,
but only one person has to present,
and my partner is Hayley?
Everyone, throw your midterms away,
'cause the coolest teacher in school
is doing a thing.
Hey, Klaus, how's the dent looking?
What happened to my car?!
You have to take it apart
to put it back together.
It was a dent!
Puh! The dent.
I wish the dent was our only problem.
Look at this air filter.
That's a muffler.
Okay, little lady.
You listened to "Car Talk"
a couple times, then...
Klaus, I've got to turn this lease in!
Fine! Turn it in now.
I can get you a bag.
What?! No!
I need you to put this back together.
Oh!
So, you want me to do my job.
Oh, I'd love to.
You're back and forth
like a windshield wiper.
Hey, Klaus?
Your "Babes of Pennzoil" calendar came.
Oh, good, good.
Hang it in the very wet
bathroom with no lock.
For this speech tomorrow, this book says
to start with a joke or anecdote.
Maybe I'll tell a joke,
and if no one laughs,
I'll say it was an anecdote.
That's perfect.
What's going on, Hayley?
I thought you were trying
to fail this class.
I can't, not with you in my way.
You're gonna crush the speech tomorrow.
You're an amazing orator.
Well, I was selected by my peers
to read the Emancipation Proclamation
at Disney World in Orlando.
Jafar came up to me afterwards
and said I changed his
mind about a lot of things.
I bet you did.
Say, since this is my last night
in community college,
how about you take me
out to one last hurrah?
Some people from class are
having a little get-together.
Sounds good.
I usually like to go to bed early,
but I had three rotisserie
chickens for lunch,
so I have a little extra
energy to burn off.
Oh, cheese and rice, Hayley!
There's alcohol on the premises.
What if the police come?
That girl's standing on the bed.
Talk about your life being over.
Oh, my gosh. I had no idea.
Let's get out of here, Lacey.
Wait. Is that Ronnie over there?
I didn't know he was gonna be here.
Don't you have a huge crush on him?
- You should go talk to him.
- Oh, God!
I can feel my rickets flaring up.
Sounds like nerves.
You're gonna need something
to help you relax.
Alcohol's good for that.
I guess I could have one.
To a chaste kiss with Ronnie.
Mmm! That's not too bad.
Makes my tummy feel confident.
And you look beautiful. Have some more.
Look at me go, Hayley!
I'm coming out of my shell.
Maybe I'll even let Ronnie hold my hand.
I sucked seven [BLEEP],
and I didn't even get to Ronnie.
So, did we pass?
Well, let's see.
Lacey mostly talked about a party
I wasn't invited to.
The seven [BLEEP] part
was engaging, though.
How about this? F-plus.
No!
Now I'll never go to Harvard
and make my sick mother proud!
She has the bubonic plague.
Thanks for asking, by the way.
She was camping in New Mexico,
and some squirrel
feces got in her mouth.
What the hell?!
Where's my car?
Which one's yours? The yellow F-150?
No, Klaus.
You said two days.
It's been a month.
Look, I'm sorry, okay?
I have a lot to do around here.
I just finished making sure
the coffee is super-bitter,
greased up all the Sports Illustrateds,
and some jerk keeps lowering
the volume on "TMZ."
Fine. You can have two more days.
Two days. Ooh!
That's when your Coleman
beer-can chicken roaster rack
is supposed to arrive.
Ugh! Too bad
your Good Grips salad spinner
is back-ordered for another week.
That could have been a cool combo
for, like, a backyard party.
Have you been spying
on my Amazon account?
- Yes.
- Why?
I think you have an exciting account.
Thank you.
Listen up. We have
some unsavory news to share.
I'm going to turn it over to Cheryl,
my colleague here and
at Yoshinoya Beef Bowl.
Thank you, my Beef Bowl brother.
Okay. This is never easy.
Tragically, last night,
Lacey Krinklehoel took her own life.
She jumped from the clock tower
after unnecessarily dragging
a long wooden plank to the top.
Apparently, she was, until the very end,
so proud of her work in
her high-school production
of "Pirates of Penzance."
And one!
Oh, please.
You guys don't know her like I do.
She's gonna be fine.
And so, in accordance with
Groff Community College by-laws,
the partner of any student
who commits suicide
is awarded an automatic "A."
No!
In lieu of official grief counseling,
the school is partnering with Yoshinoya
to offer all grieving students coupons
for brown rice at the white-rice price.
Now, I'm gonna tell you up front,
because we've had some issues,
it is a mail-in rebate.
So, come on down to Yoshinoya
so we can get to Yoshi-know each other.
Here's an apartment
that's perfect for us.
This is a photo of a cup.
I'm thirsty.
Oh, my God! I just heard about Lacey.
That's crazy!
I can't believe you killed her.
I passed my class because of you.
Oh, my God! The bylaws!
I didn't even think about
Section 13A, Subset "G."
But that would mean
you're gonna graduate.
And I didn't hire these
shirtless movers for nothing!
Let's see if my stud finder's working.
Stud detected.
Ah, the classic stud-finder bit.
I know it's a dad joke,
but I still like it.
It's been two days!
Give me my damn car!
- Which one is it?
- Klaus!
I'm kidding. It's ready.
I'll have my guy bring it around.
Mijo!
_
_
_
_
I know what's going on in my shop.
_
Did Steve learn Spanish?
I think you're really
gonna like what we did.
What is that noise?
Whistle tips!
Okay, pay attention.
You've got an 8-ball stick shift now.
Very cool.
I know it was an automatic before.
It's kind of a hybrid now.
For gears 1 and 2, you have to shift,
but, realistically,
how often do you use those gears?
We installed a nitrous button.
It's not connected to anything,
but it's there.
This is a disaster, Klaus.
Um, check again.
I added a super-super- long antenna.
It has incredible bounce.
Look how it catches the wind.
You don't even feel, Francine.
_
Tomorrow, my little girl receives
her community-college diploma...
Color-printed and laminated.
To Hayley's diploma.
It's just a stupid piece of paper.
I've got a whole ream of paper.
I can print whatever I want on it.
You sure can.
But every day is your day, honey.
Today, we're celebrating the girl.
- To Hayley!
- To my room!
To my new room! Hip, hip...
- Hooray!
- Opotamus!
Oh, don't feel bad, Hayley.
You didn't have a chance to beat Lacey.
She was possibly my greatest creation.
What?!
She was the most boring,
uninspired persona
you have ever had.
Uninspired?!
She was flawless.
She sucked.
She was an angel.
It's a tragedy she had to die
just to get you out of your room.
I guess that's the silver lining...
Lacey's dead.
You keep her name out of your mouth!
Hmm. You're really sensitive about this.
I'm sorry that I'm
sensitive about sacrificing
such a brave and confident soul.
I'm so upset,
I can't even eat my side salad.
Look at this pale tomato
wedge I was so excited to eat.
It's the color of uncooked salmon,
the most delicious color of all!
I'm gonna take this.
Hmm.
_
Okeydokey, one more warm hand
for your commencement speaker,
Mr. Giggles and his goofy balloon show!
I am sorry there wasn't enough time
for him to make a hat for everybody.
And now your student speaker,
Hayley Smith.
Thank you.
This may surprise some of you,
but up until recently,
I didn't even want to graduate.
I was scared.
But then I met someone
who changed all that,
Lacey Krinklehoel.
Sounds like quite the young woman.
Heard her mother was sick.
Lacey was the only person I knew
who was more afraid and
insecure than I was.
That doesn't sound right, exactly.
Seeing how pathetic she
was made me feel braver
and more confident.
She lied to try and fit in.
She lied about volunteering.
She lied about her
field-hockey triumphs.
She didn't lie about loving horses.
She even lied about starring in
"Pirates of Penzance."
She's entering libel terr...
t-territory now.
But today, isn't about her.
In fact,
it will never be about her again,
because she's as dead as she was boring.
♪ Penzance! Penzance! ♪
♪ We're the Pirates of Penzance! ♪
♪ We got treasure Cannonballs ♪
♪ There's a parrot, probably ♪
♪ So hoist the sails
and anchors aweigh ♪
♪ Kiss your mom, submarine ♪
♪ We're the Pirates of Penzance ♪
♪ A well-received play! ♪
Lacey Krinklehoel alive?
Change the transcripts!
Hayley Smith fails!
Hayley stays!
That was some shit, Hayley.
- I warned you.
- Well, game respects game.
For what it's worth,
if you did graduate,
I think you'd be just
fine on the outside.
Maybe, but I hope
I never have to find out.
Oh, I got to bounce.
My character who gets
trapped in elevators
needs to get food poisoning first.
It really makes everyone I'm stuck with
feel the panic.
Is that a Decepticon sticker?
- Klaus?
- Huh?
Oh, yeah.
Wow! Wow! Okay, then.
I don't know what to say,
other than this car...
rules!
And this thing is nitrous-ready?
Ready and waiting.
Bye-bye, bad guys.
This all looks great, ma'am.
Only thing I have to charge you for
is this dent down here in the corner.
Klaus!
Oh, did your goldfish not
do a good-enough job fixing your car?
Bye! Have a great time!
First day of class. I'm back, baby!
Ah! I see no one's discovered
my secret parking spot.
Surf wheels!
Hayley's back!
Did you see me see Hayley?!
Sick trick, Hayley.
Excuse me, dear.
You seem very comfortable here.
Do you know where the
science trailer is?
Freshmen.
Come on. Roll with me.
Name's Hayley. I'll show you the ropes.
That's the first one.
There are six more around campus.
There's a lot of impromptu tug-of-war
happening around here.
Also kick the can.
Pretty much any trash you
see lying around campus,
we have a game for it.
This is the dining
hall and computer lab.
You should hear the fan in that Gateway.
Try opening AltaVista and "Wolfenstein"
at the same time.
Blow your [BLEEP] eardrums out.
Here's a gym.
Team's getting ready
for a big game tonight.
A foosball game?
You play? You should try out for JV.
No spinning, though. That's bitch play.
Wow. You really know your stuff.
Yeah, well, I love it here.
And I plan to stay for a long,
long time.
Hey, Hayley.
I thought I heard your wheels.
One more credit to go,
and you are out of here, huh?
What?! Th-That can't be right.
I was going through school records
and I found out you are one stamp away
from graduating.
But I don't want to graduate!
And I don't want to
help my gross mom get
in and out of her dumb wheelchair,
but she paid for my house, so...
You get what I'm saying, right?
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
♪ I got a feelin'
that it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪
♪ The sun in the sky has
a smile on his face ♪
♪ And he's shinin'
a salute to the American race ♪
♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪
- ♪ Good... ♪
- ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
Aah!
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
Roger, I need your help.
Well, you've come to the right place.
I'm Roger.
Did you know Groff is
only a two-year school?
I did know it was only two years,
but I thought, legally,
they couldn't call it a school.
They're gonna make me graduate!
- And you don't want to leave.
- No!
I am not ready for the real world...
Look at me.
Ah! A Peter Pan situation.
Well, you came to the right place.
I'm Roger.
Did I already say that? Doesn't matter.
Anyhoo, give me 24 hours,
and I'll have your solution.
Thanks. I knew
I could count on you, Roger.
Looking for Roger? That's me.
I'm Roger. Wait a second.
Oh, I'm cleaning with gin.
That means I've had
14 Pine-Sol martinis.
And explains why my
diarrhea cleaned the toilet.
I'm Roger.
So, this is the room for rent.
Obviously, it's got great natural light.
And a lot of shared walls.
Paper-thin.
That's good, because I play cool music.
Dad, what the hell?!
This is that problem
tenant I told you about.
Oh, hey, it's my little bookworm.
About to graduate, spread her wings,
and leave the nest.
Dad, I'm not going anywhere.
Actually, you are.
Family rules clearly state,
"After college,
"each child will forge out on their own
"without financial or emotional support
from the parents/guardians."
The "emotional" part felt a little cold,
but our lawyer at the time said
we need to protect ourselves.
Nice! I could get used to this.
Roger! You're trying to steal my room?
Yeah. I need it.
Made the mistake of
renting out the attic
as a practice space for Rogu's ska band.
They're terrible.
How do you screw up ska?
- You're supposed to be helping me.
- Sorry.
We got a drop-everything
kind of situation.
This room hasn't been on
the market in 19 years,
and the landlord doesn't have a friggin'
clue what it's worth.
Plus, I'm buds
with the guy in the next unit.
Make it happen, Rog!
Whoa! Look at all these
hot-sauce packets.
Del Taco Inferno!
I always want to ask for it,
but then I chicken out at the window.
Take them. My car lease is up,
and I got to get this thing cleaned out
before I take it in.
Mm... you've got a dent here.
Returning it like this is
leaving money on the table.
- Really?
- But...
I could pop it out for you
right here in the garage.
I used to be a little bit of an oil boy.
A what?
You know, a wrench monkey,
a muffler humper, a tire charmer.
A tailpipe Tony.
- You mean a mechanic?
- Wuz dat?
- Can you really fix the dent?
- Give me two days.
Do you want me to do anything
about the interior smell?
What smell?
Okay.
_
- I scheduled a 2:00.
- Hey, my number-one senior.
Sit down.
I have got such a good feeling
about you, Smith.
You're gonna make it on the outside.
You are destined for
the Groff Wall of Fame.
The what?
These are all the Groff alumni
who became famous.
This guy right here went on to be
the most prolific serial killer
in Virginia history.
These two... his first victims.
Oh, and this last one is
Linda Bloodworth-Thomason,
the creator of TV's "Designing Women."
She didn't go here.
Actually, Cheryl,
I'd really like to avoid graduating.
Totally understand.
Between us,
it is hell on the other side.
Oh, in fact,
I got to clock into my second job
at Yoshinoya Beef Bowl in 12 minutes.
And if I graduate,
I'm gonna be homeless.
There is one way to
stay here indefinitely,
but nobody's ever pulled it off.
I'll try anything.
Fail your class over and over
and then retake it forever.
A forever class! Of course!
Thank you.
Holy shit! I thought that was a poster!
Oh, my God. Was that my ex?
About yea high,
likes to show his entire gums?
Can eat an entire apple in seconds? Ugh!
You know what the sad part is?
I'm probably gonna take him back.
Hey, guess what.
I'm gonna intentionally fail this class.
Oh, we're friends?
Can you drive me to the vet after this?
My snake is sick.
I think I gave him an old mouse.
We have to pick him up
from my stepdad's house.
He lives in the woods.
Excuse me. Could you keep it down?
Some of us are trying to learn.
Roger?! What are you doing here?
It's Lacey Krinklehoel,
and I'm here to make sure you graduate.
This is about my room, isn't it?
Sure is. Can you believe it?
The valedictorian and star of
her high school's production
of "Pirates of Penzance"
is here to help you graduate.
You're lucky I couldn't go to Harvard
because my mom got super-sick...
Don't ask.
Now let's learn everything
there is to know about...
advanced theory?
Well, sorry, but you can't help me...
if I'm in my van, smokin' doobie smacks.
Professor,
what if we had class outside today?
Maybe in the parking lot,
next to Hayley's van?
Huh. Well, I would be closer
to my car when class ends.
And who knows...
Maybe Ms. Smith will share
those doobie smacks with
her favorite professor of...
advanced theory?
Lacey Krinklehoel?!
Right? Such a good student.
She worried about her grades so much,
it gave her rickets.
Look, I am failing this class,
and there is nothing you or
your boring persona can do
- to stop me.
- Boring?
Does liking horses sound boring?
Does reading "The Clan of the Cave Bear"
50 times sound boring?
Does collecting sand from every vacation
she goes on sound boring?
Well, that one sounds boring.
But not when you see the little jars.
Then it takes you right back
to that magical summer you went to...
sand.
Huh.
Hey, babe?
Aren't you going to be late for school?
New plan... not going.
Sure you are.
I didn't want to wake you,
but I didn't want you to miss class.
Roger, get us down from here!
Babe, could you keep it down?
And you're hogging all the blankets.
_
My favorite team is the Bazooka Sharks.
We pay in dollars.
In Germany, they use marks.
Pretty excited about my slam poem.
- How's yours?
- Non-existent.
Don't worry. Lacey's got you.
What i... What is it?
Different trees have different barks.
This poem is for Rosa Parks.
Ms. Smith, excellent work.
- Damn it! How did you...
- I was president of the A.V. Club.
I did all the special effects for
"Pirates of Penzance"
in addition to starring in it.
The high-school paper declared it...
"this year's musical."
Hey, Lacey,
this midterm's worth 40% of our grade.
Does this look like an "A"?
It looks like an innocent horse's penis,
but...
hanging from a man.
You can't turn that in.
Professor, I was thinking,
what if this midterm
didn't count at all toward our grade?
Huh. I like that.
Shoot. But then what would count?
The final... a speech that would count
for 100% of our grade.
100%?
That's what we're trying to get to.
And what if we do it in teams,
but only one person has to present,
and my partner is Hayley?
Everyone, throw your midterms away,
'cause the coolest teacher in school
is doing a thing.
Hey, Klaus, how's the dent looking?
What happened to my car?!
You have to take it apart
to put it back together.
It was a dent!
Puh! The dent.
I wish the dent was our only problem.
Look at this air filter.
That's a muffler.
Okay, little lady.
You listened to "Car Talk"
a couple times, then...
Klaus, I've got to turn this lease in!
Fine! Turn it in now.
I can get you a bag.
What?! No!
I need you to put this back together.
Oh!
So, you want me to do my job.
Oh, I'd love to.
You're back and forth
like a windshield wiper.
Hey, Klaus?
Your "Babes of Pennzoil" calendar came.
Oh, good, good.
Hang it in the very wet
bathroom with no lock.
For this speech tomorrow, this book says
to start with a joke or anecdote.
Maybe I'll tell a joke,
and if no one laughs,
I'll say it was an anecdote.
That's perfect.
What's going on, Hayley?
I thought you were trying
to fail this class.
I can't, not with you in my way.
You're gonna crush the speech tomorrow.
You're an amazing orator.
Well, I was selected by my peers
to read the Emancipation Proclamation
at Disney World in Orlando.
Jafar came up to me afterwards
and said I changed his
mind about a lot of things.
I bet you did.
Say, since this is my last night
in community college,
how about you take me
out to one last hurrah?
Some people from class are
having a little get-together.
Sounds good.
I usually like to go to bed early,
but I had three rotisserie
chickens for lunch,
so I have a little extra
energy to burn off.
Oh, cheese and rice, Hayley!
There's alcohol on the premises.
What if the police come?
That girl's standing on the bed.
Talk about your life being over.
Oh, my gosh. I had no idea.
Let's get out of here, Lacey.
Wait. Is that Ronnie over there?
I didn't know he was gonna be here.
Don't you have a huge crush on him?
- You should go talk to him.
- Oh, God!
I can feel my rickets flaring up.
Sounds like nerves.
You're gonna need something
to help you relax.
Alcohol's good for that.
I guess I could have one.
To a chaste kiss with Ronnie.
Mmm! That's not too bad.
Makes my tummy feel confident.
And you look beautiful. Have some more.
Look at me go, Hayley!
I'm coming out of my shell.
Maybe I'll even let Ronnie hold my hand.
I sucked seven [BLEEP],
and I didn't even get to Ronnie.
So, did we pass?
Well, let's see.
Lacey mostly talked about a party
I wasn't invited to.
The seven [BLEEP] part
was engaging, though.
How about this? F-plus.
No!
Now I'll never go to Harvard
and make my sick mother proud!
She has the bubonic plague.
Thanks for asking, by the way.
She was camping in New Mexico,
and some squirrel
feces got in her mouth.
What the hell?!
Where's my car?
Which one's yours? The yellow F-150?
No, Klaus.
You said two days.
It's been a month.
Look, I'm sorry, okay?
I have a lot to do around here.
I just finished making sure
the coffee is super-bitter,
greased up all the Sports Illustrateds,
and some jerk keeps lowering
the volume on "TMZ."
Fine. You can have two more days.
Two days. Ooh!
That's when your Coleman
beer-can chicken roaster rack
is supposed to arrive.
Ugh! Too bad
your Good Grips salad spinner
is back-ordered for another week.
That could have been a cool combo
for, like, a backyard party.
Have you been spying
on my Amazon account?
- Yes.
- Why?
I think you have an exciting account.
Thank you.
Listen up. We have
some unsavory news to share.
I'm going to turn it over to Cheryl,
my colleague here and
at Yoshinoya Beef Bowl.
Thank you, my Beef Bowl brother.
Okay. This is never easy.
Tragically, last night,
Lacey Krinklehoel took her own life.
She jumped from the clock tower
after unnecessarily dragging
a long wooden plank to the top.
Apparently, she was, until the very end,
so proud of her work in
her high-school production
of "Pirates of Penzance."
And one!
Oh, please.
You guys don't know her like I do.
She's gonna be fine.
And so, in accordance with
Groff Community College by-laws,
the partner of any student
who commits suicide
is awarded an automatic "A."
No!
In lieu of official grief counseling,
the school is partnering with Yoshinoya
to offer all grieving students coupons
for brown rice at the white-rice price.
Now, I'm gonna tell you up front,
because we've had some issues,
it is a mail-in rebate.
So, come on down to Yoshinoya
so we can get to Yoshi-know each other.
Here's an apartment
that's perfect for us.
This is a photo of a cup.
I'm thirsty.
Oh, my God! I just heard about Lacey.
That's crazy!
I can't believe you killed her.
I passed my class because of you.
Oh, my God! The bylaws!
I didn't even think about
Section 13A, Subset "G."
But that would mean
you're gonna graduate.
And I didn't hire these
shirtless movers for nothing!
Let's see if my stud finder's working.
Stud detected.
Ah, the classic stud-finder bit.
I know it's a dad joke,
but I still like it.
It's been two days!
Give me my damn car!
- Which one is it?
- Klaus!
I'm kidding. It's ready.
I'll have my guy bring it around.
Mijo!
_
_
_
_
I know what's going on in my shop.
_
Did Steve learn Spanish?
I think you're really
gonna like what we did.
What is that noise?
Whistle tips!
Okay, pay attention.
You've got an 8-ball stick shift now.
Very cool.
I know it was an automatic before.
It's kind of a hybrid now.
For gears 1 and 2, you have to shift,
but, realistically,
how often do you use those gears?
We installed a nitrous button.
It's not connected to anything,
but it's there.
This is a disaster, Klaus.
Um, check again.
I added a super-super- long antenna.
It has incredible bounce.
Look how it catches the wind.
You don't even feel, Francine.
_
Tomorrow, my little girl receives
her community-college diploma...
Color-printed and laminated.
To Hayley's diploma.
It's just a stupid piece of paper.
I've got a whole ream of paper.
I can print whatever I want on it.
You sure can.
But every day is your day, honey.
Today, we're celebrating the girl.
- To Hayley!
- To my room!
To my new room! Hip, hip...
- Hooray!
- Opotamus!
Oh, don't feel bad, Hayley.
You didn't have a chance to beat Lacey.
She was possibly my greatest creation.
What?!
She was the most boring,
uninspired persona
you have ever had.
Uninspired?!
She was flawless.
She sucked.
She was an angel.
It's a tragedy she had to die
just to get you out of your room.
I guess that's the silver lining...
Lacey's dead.
You keep her name out of your mouth!
Hmm. You're really sensitive about this.
I'm sorry that I'm
sensitive about sacrificing
such a brave and confident soul.
I'm so upset,
I can't even eat my side salad.
Look at this pale tomato
wedge I was so excited to eat.
It's the color of uncooked salmon,
the most delicious color of all!
I'm gonna take this.
Hmm.
_
Okeydokey, one more warm hand
for your commencement speaker,
Mr. Giggles and his goofy balloon show!
I am sorry there wasn't enough time
for him to make a hat for everybody.
And now your student speaker,
Hayley Smith.
Thank you.
This may surprise some of you,
but up until recently,
I didn't even want to graduate.
I was scared.
But then I met someone
who changed all that,
Lacey Krinklehoel.
Sounds like quite the young woman.
Heard her mother was sick.
Lacey was the only person I knew
who was more afraid and
insecure than I was.
That doesn't sound right, exactly.
Seeing how pathetic she
was made me feel braver
and more confident.
She lied to try and fit in.
She lied about volunteering.
She lied about her
field-hockey triumphs.
She didn't lie about loving horses.
She even lied about starring in
"Pirates of Penzance."
She's entering libel terr...
t-territory now.
But today, isn't about her.
In fact,
it will never be about her again,
because she's as dead as she was boring.
♪ Penzance! Penzance! ♪
♪ We're the Pirates of Penzance! ♪
♪ We got treasure Cannonballs ♪
♪ There's a parrot, probably ♪
♪ So hoist the sails
and anchors aweigh ♪
♪ Kiss your mom, submarine ♪
♪ We're the Pirates of Penzance ♪
♪ A well-received play! ♪
Lacey Krinklehoel alive?
Change the transcripts!
Hayley Smith fails!
Hayley stays!
That was some shit, Hayley.
- I warned you.
- Well, game respects game.
For what it's worth,
if you did graduate,
I think you'd be just
fine on the outside.
Maybe, but I hope
I never have to find out.
Oh, I got to bounce.
My character who gets
trapped in elevators
needs to get food poisoning first.
It really makes everyone I'm stuck with
feel the panic.
Is that a Decepticon sticker?
- Klaus?
- Huh?
Oh, yeah.
Wow! Wow! Okay, then.
I don't know what to say,
other than this car...
rules!
And this thing is nitrous-ready?
Ready and waiting.
Bye-bye, bad guys.
This all looks great, ma'am.
Only thing I have to charge you for
is this dent down here in the corner.
Klaus!
Oh, did your goldfish not
do a good-enough job fixing your car?
Bye! Have a great time!