American Dad! (2005–…): Season 14, Episode 14 - Hamerican Dad! - full transcript
It's official.
I closed escrow on my house in Maine.
- Alright, Roger!
- Alright, alright, alright!
Whoo!
Yeah, Stan, yeah.
Thanks, Roger, but I was dancing for me.
My friend Skip Yates died.
You're dancing 'cause your friend died?
Well, he was a member of my ham club.
I'll now explain what that is.
For those who already know,
I authorize you to leave the room.
[CLATTERING, RUNNING FOOTSTEPS]
The Tappahonnock Ham Society
is a brotherhood of Southern gentlemen
who carry out the great
Virginian tradition
of curing and aging hams.
- Ham the meat?
- The same.
- That's cool.
- Very.
And the only way to rise up the ranks
in ham club is if someone dies.
So Skip's death is friggin' huge for me.
And why?
I'll get slightly better ham now.
Thanks, Skippy.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]
- Do you have...
- A governing body in ham club?
Excellent question.
We have a president, VP, treasurer,
and, best job of all, carver.
And that position is open,
thanks to the big-rig tire
that jumped through Skip's windshield.
I was gonna ask you if had any
idea where the bathroom was.
The bathroom at ham club?
It's an 18th-century outhouse.
Pretty cool.
That is pretty cool.
With a red-eye gravy
sandwiched between a
fresh buttermilk biscuit.
Mmm. Ham, you mean.
Well, I think I'll turn in.
Can I get you two some coffee... to go?
No, Carol. Thank you.
You can put the coffee in proper mugs.
We're gonna stay a while.
Stan, I know this might sound crazy,
but I feel like your
friend died for a reason...
to open up a slot for me in ham club.
You in ham club? I don't think so.
- Why not?
- You're not a good fit.
By that, I just mean I don't
think anyone would like you.
Also, you have a tendency
to ruin all my things.
I ruin everyone's things.
That's my thing,
and now you've ruined it.
[CRYING]
♪♪
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
♪ I got a feelin'
that it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪
♪ The sun in the sky has
a smile on his face ♪
♪ And he's shinin'
a salute to the American race ♪
♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪
- ♪ Good... ♪
- ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
Aah!
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
Roger wants to join ham club.
Roger? No.
Ham club has standards, Stan.
I tried to tell him that,
but he gets so emotional.
He's carrying around his
vial of hemlock again.
Does Roger even have a
relationship with ham?
- None.
- So get him an interview.
Let his lack of ham
knowledge do the rest.
That's genius.
I'm a friend.
I throw his hat in the ring.
But you coach him so he doesn't
jeopardize your reputation
with any of his typical Roger antics.
I thread the needle.
There's nothing easier.
I know I don't say it enough, Klaus,
but you're a hell of a valet.
Don't mention it, Stan.
The way you shit on me
in front of everyone
and pretend we don't have
this special connection
is thank you enough.
Oh, my God. Tuttle?
He is such a scaredy-cat.
Yeah, I've seen him
scared tons of times.
I've seen Jeff scared.
Oh, yeah, I've seen,
like, 20 Jeffs scared.
Spell it with a "G," a "J,"
if your name's Jeff,
you're scared, and I've seen it.
Check it. I'm gonna flip it on you.
Who have you never seen scared?
Great cue.
You know, I've...
I've never seen Greg scared.
That's true. Weird.
Pfft, Greg.
Greg the egg.
I could scare him.
Oh-ho-ho-ho. How would you do it?
Easy. Come at him with an ax.
[ROGER SOBBING]
[CRYING]
Wow, Roger, this place looks great.
I'll drink it, Stan. I will.
I got you an interview with my ham club.
Oh, thank you, Stan.
I'm so friggin' amped.
[GRUNTS]
About that.
Sometimes you can be a little big.
- I'll wear my girdle.
- I mean your personality.
- My personality?
- It's just you can be flamboyant,
and these guys are fancy.
You put those polar opposites together,
- and things could get...
- Flambancy?
- Exactly.
- So should I not be myself?
Yes. Thanks for making this easy.
So how should I act?
Buttoned-up, humble, all about ham.
What were you thinking of wearing?
Two hooks for my hands,
two hooks for my feet.
_
Hello, Roger.
I'm Ignatius Calhoun,
22nd President of the
Tappahonnock Ham Society,
and on behalf of the membership,
thank you for chatting with us
about a subject we hold most dear.
I speak, of course, of ham.
[CHUCKLES] Of course.
I know you're a friend of Brother Stan,
so I'll get to the meat of the matter.
Do you like ham?
Roger? Your thoughts on ham?
Yes, yes.
Bottom line, there's not
a thing in all God's creation
I love more than the taste of clam.
Uh, sorry.
What I'm trying to say is that,
more than anything in the world,
I want in your clam club.
Sugar.
Obviously, you get I'm trying to say
"clam," not "clam."
Motherfu...
Thanks so much.
Pleasure.
Excuse my handshake.
It's not an accurate
reflection of who I am.
He's a really nice guy, but...
Not a Tappahonnock man. I get it.
I'll let him down easy.
That wasn't so bad.
[ENGINE STARTS]
Whatever happens now
is out of my control.
[SIGHS]
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Ain't happening, Jack.
Now, with status quo secure,
shall we get down to the matter at ham?
More like matter at ham.
- [LAUGHTER]
- That... that was...
That was my joke.
What the hell is going on?
♪♪
Oh, shit.
♪♪
♪ Come on, babe,
why don't we paint the town? ♪
♪ And all that ham ♪
♪ I'm gonna rouge my knees
and roll my stockings down ♪
♪ And all that ham ♪
♪ Start the car,
I know a whoopee spot ♪
♪ Where the ham is cold,
but some of it's also hot ♪
♪ It's just a noisy hall where
there's a nightly brawl ♪
♪ And all that jazz ham ♪
[SONG ENDS]
- [STAN GRUNTS]
- So, do you think it went well?
I just slammed you against a wall.
Yeah, but sometimes people
do that before hardcore sex.
- Are we...
- You made a fool of me.
I never should've vouched for you.
You owe us an apology, Smith.
Where you been hiding this guy?
Roger, we'd be honored
if you'd join the
Tappahonnock Ham Society.
- What?
- What? Oh, my God.
I was so worried you wouldn't let me in
after I did the splits and
that feather went up my butt,
but maybe you didn't notice.
IGNATIUS: Heavenly Father,
we thank You for providing this ham.
This ham is a good ham,
and it is the work of Your hands.
May this ham bless our bodies
and give us the strength
to endure the day.
Amen.
Nice [BLEEP] prayer, man.
Are you nuts?
It's your first day. Stay in your lane.
Geez. Got it. Sorry.
Hey, check it out. Meat curtains.
[LAUGHTER]
This guy's a live wire.
Look at me. I'm somebody's wife.
♪♪
Mr. Brave, huh?
That's what you're calling yourself?
'Cause that's a bunch of crap,
if you ask me.
Hi, Francine.
Hi?
Let's see who's saying hi
when I change your world.
What you doing with the ax?
This is what I'm doing
with the ax, Greg!
- Mmm.
- Good gracious.
I propose we move on
to discussing glazes.
Now, I've been contemplating
dried honeysuckle.
Ugh, again with the ham?
Don't you guys ever do anything else?
This is a ham club.
And I love ham.
Top 10 meat, no question.
But there's more to life.
- Like what?
- I don't know.
Anyone heard of Six Flags?
- Well, that sounds good.
- What about ham?
Arturo's smiling.
What do you say, Iggy? Day at the park?
You're a prime candidate
for Yosemite Sam's
Hollywood Flight School.
Let's get in the car!
- Alright, alright, alright.
- I say, whoo-hoo!
I hope my face shows how
mad I am emotionally.
MAN: Stop the coaster!
Something's wrong!
- Stupid Roger.
- Stan, where the heck were you
during the "Looney Tunes"
meet and greet?
Arturo high-fived Speedy Gonzales.
Congratulations, Roger.
Once again,
you've ruined something I love.
Arturo, why don't you run
along and buy some churros...
and a basketball jersey.
I feel overdressed.
Probably a long shot
they sell them here,
but everyone's wearing one, so maybe.
The club was perfect,
but you just had to change it.
You couldn't stay in your lane.
Lane, schmane.
- Just take ham.
- What ham?
Any ham. All the ham.
Whatever "ham" you want in life,
just take it.
See this? It's Arturo's two-year ham.
How'd you get that?
Only cabinet members
get the prestige ham.
I took it. Did it in front of him, too.
He didn't say shit. Here.
Arturo, Stan ganked
a piece of your two-year.
[GASPS]
See? You just took ham,
and there were no repercussions.
Whoa.
Now picture "taking ham"
in the biggest way possible.
Doesn't have to be ham-related.
What do you want most in life?
I want to be the new ham carver.
Yes. It didn't have to be ham-related,
but I'm glad it was.
It's settled. You're gonna be carver.
But how?
Put on a fresh pot, Carol.
We're writing a candidacy poem.
- A what?
- Yeah, I need clarification, too.
Stan, it's a poem to announce,
with authority,
you're the man to carve the ham.
Oh, we're already rhyming.
Oh, my God, Carol.
Why aren't you writing this down?
Ham, pam, ram, bam, blam, shlam.
- Shlam!
- Shlam!
I like to eat my ham.
It makes me feel like shmam.
- Hey, another rhyme.
- I brought cookies.
Not now, Carol.
We're finally onto something.
I have nothing. I'm a fraud.
All I can hear is the
ticking of this tiny clock.
[CLOCK CRASHES]
[BOTH MUNCHING]
I was probably too harsh on Carol.
This cookie was just the spark I needed.
- She should've knocked.
- Right?
Well, we did it.
I think it's pretty good, too.
So, how long you been writing poems?
Oh, God, all my life.
Kind of what I thought I'd be,
a poem-writing guy.
♪♪
"I like to eat my ham.
"It makes me feel like shmam.
"Have you seen the movie 'Kazaam'?
"But back to ham.
"Did you know that an imam
"is a man who leads prayers in a mosque?
"What if you pronounced imam "i-mam"?
"W-would that make you think of ham?
"My name is Stan.
Ham."
ROGER: Ne-e-xt.
[LAUGHTER]
What kind of dillbag writes a poem?
The poem sucked.
I dare say, Roger,
you should be the new ham carver.
Me? Okay, I'll do it.
- Whoo-hoo!
- My man!
I wrote the poem, by the way.
We loved the poem.
Hey, bud, great meeting tonight.
You sabotaged me.
Well, yeah, Stan.
You didn't want me in your ham club.
That really hurt my feelings.
I didn't want you in my ham club
because you do things like this.
Eh, feels like we got a
"chicken or the egg" situation here.
Besides, we bust balls in this club.
You got to come right back at me, dude.
Arturo actually brought that up.
He's been clocking it.
He's actually a pretty
funny guy if you can get him
talking about something other than...
dinosaurs.
Oh, God, how I want
my first ham for the club
to be absolute perfection.
The boys will accept only the best,
and yet mine looks nothing
like this good ham.
Oh, bother.
Maybe I should step away
and rest my fevered mind
and returneth anew in the
freshness of the morn.
But shall I secure my precious ham?
Nay. Let it lieth here
under the eyes of angels.
For now, I seeketh
repose in my chambers,
to drift dreamward while
hardcore porn blasts
on my Samsung Galaxy 9+.
Let's see how much your butt buddy
Arturo loves you after
he pukes his guts out.
ROGER: Oh, this gentleman
doth be nice and veiny.
My little birds tell me you skipped
Tappahonnock last night.
It's not like you to miss a carve, Stan.
But it is like me to not eat poison.
Tee-hee-hee-hee, hee-hee-hee-hee.
You were right, Stan.
I should've stayed in my lane.
Oh, was your ham not a
complete and total success?
[ALL GROANING]
Oh, my God, these men are far sicker
than medium-strength
food-poisoning sick.
That's a strange way to put it.
Uh, uh, but would you agree?
Look at them.
- They're at death's door.
- Stay calm.
I'll load them into a U-Haul
and drive them into the ocean.
- Just wait.
- I already rented the U-Haul, Stan.
- It's done.
- Slow down.
We could drop them at a hospital?
A hospital.
Those nosy nurses will track
this right back to me...
I mean us... I mean you.
We need to bring the men
somewhere quiet, secluded,
where we can nurse them back to health.
My house in Maine. It's super secluded.
And the Maine breezes, Stan,
oh, my God, they're curative.
Okay, Maine.
- Maine?
- Maine.
- Maine!
- Maine!
Those bones look broken.
I suggest you get to Maine immediately.
Eh, there's only so much Maine can do.
Mom, you're awake.
You've been in a coma.
What?
You got hit by a truck
charging across the street
to scare Greg.
- Greg!
- [HORN HONKS, TIRES SCREECH]
Look out!
So, why are you in the hospital, Hayley?
Are you sick, too?
No, I'm visiting you.
Ah.
Francine, thank God you're okay.
But I didn't scare you.
What? We didn't think you'd make it.
You scared me terribly.
Yeah, I did, you little bitch.
High five, Hayley.
- Let's do the other one.
- Absolutely not.
Get it.
Aah! Nurse!
Now, I know sleeping in
a new bed can be scary,
but just lie back and
let Maine do its work.
Good night, you princes of ham,
you kings of...
ham.
What are you doing? I was in there.
You were?
Stan, those men are quite sick.
They're not your playthings.
Better make sure you didn't bother them.
ROGER: Here comes the tickle monster.
[BREATHES DEEPLY]
Ah, first cup of the day.
Second cup of the day.
Third cup of the day.
Ah.
Now to cure the men.
What a mess.
♪♪
Feel that Maine breeze, men.
It'll cure you.
Sponge baths will also cure you, Arturo.
Oh, I forgot
my soothing eucalyptus spray.
Wait. Did I even pack that?
Why am I running?
Little more breeze time.
Arturo, wake up.
Chloe Sevigny's sucking
Vincent Gallo's di...
[ALL GROANING]
We should've done this
a long time ago, Stan.
The men are really
responding to the ocean.
Stan, have you noticed how
I hold my hot drinks in Maine...
with two hands?
I think you should try it.
The men aren't getting better, Roger.
Stan! Arturo escaped!
He can't have gone far.
Grab a few Uzis,
and we'll fan out in the woods.
God, I should never
have let you in this club.
Then you couldn't have clowned
me so hard after I read my poem,
I wouldn't have gotten
mad and poisoned your...
Poisoned my what?
Your ham. I poisoned your ham.
Son of a bitch. You know what you did?
- You took ham.
- What?
Poisoning ham is the ultimate
example of taking ham.
- So you're not mad?
- Mad?
I'm proud of you, man.
[ARTURO GROANS, FARTS]
Arturo, what the heck are you
doing under there, you silly?
[ARTURO GROANS]
Wait. Did you hear that?
- What?
- He's trying to say, "Ha-a-a-m."
- I'm not sure.
- Of course you're not sure.
We don't know what we're doing.
But they know.
Their bodies want ham.
We need to make a ham so good
it'll restore their will to live.
- A redemption ham.
- Redemption ham.
This ham's nice.
Ooh, but this is also a nice ham.
And get a load of this ham, Stan.
That's the ham.
Should we also get some pumpkin
butter while we're here?
I think we have enough on our...
Stan, we need to focus.
We have enough on our plate.
Hands are full, Stan.
Just buy the pumpkin butter.
Two big ones.
It seems you've
rediscovered your passion
for curing and aging hams.
♪♪
[MEN FARTING]
It stinks in here, right?
Should I crack a window?
I'm worried about the ham.
It's not enough. Cut it down, Stan.
Run. Run from the farts.
It'll get in the ham.
For those of you who
participated in the farting,
I hope you had a good laugh,
but I've got a joke for you.
Knock knock.
Who's there? Not a ham to look at.
Oh, I don't hear any laughing now.
Sinking in, huh?
It's sinking in what happened.
Good. I want it to.
Think long and hard.
Me? I'll be downstairs
with Stan, having fun,
looking at the ham whenever I want.
[MAN FARTS]
Who did it? Who was it?
I'll smell every ass in...
It's time, Arturo.
No.
Not for that, silly,
for me and Stan's ham.
It's gonna be nice.
I hope this works.
So, how do you want to serve it?
Real thick-like?
- Super thin.
- Like prosciutto.
American prosciutto.
Again with the correcting.
♪♪
I don't understand.
I can see there's no tricking you, Stan,
so I'll just come clean.
I poisoned our redemption ham.
Why, you ask?
Because I was having
so much fun with you,
and I knew if the men got better,
we'd leave.
I think it was just always about that.
Joining the club,
I just wanted to spend time with you.
I'm sorry.
No, I'm sorry.
I was a jerk.
You said no one would like me.
I know, and I was wrong.
Plus, you taught me to take ham.
Do you have any idea how big that is?
Hug time?
I also poisoned the first ham.
- What?
- The ham you poisoned?
I also poisoned it.
- Like, a lot.
- Why'd you do that?
To get you to Maine, man.
How great is it here?
Very great.
You know what's not so very great?
The men.
Ah, yes, the sticky question of the men.
I've been thinking on this, Stan,
and when I put my mind
to something, watch out,
because great things can occur.
Were you gonna say an idea?
Oh, yeah.
I'll stop feeding them poison hams.
I'll also stop poisoning their water.
I've been poisoning their water.
Although, I will say,
I think they like the poison water
even though it's bad for them.
People don't know what's good
for them, Stan.
_
- Let us out of here!
- My family thinks I'm dead!
There's gonna be hell to pay!
- The men seem to be thriving, Roger.
- I'll say.
You know, if we're gonna do that
little detour to Lake Champlain,
which I would really like to do,
the men will have to be subdued.
Oh, we're doing the trip.
Alright, piggies, it's watering time.
Oh, boy! Water!
Bye-bye. See you soon.
I closed escrow on my house in Maine.
- Alright, Roger!
- Alright, alright, alright!
Whoo!
Yeah, Stan, yeah.
Thanks, Roger, but I was dancing for me.
My friend Skip Yates died.
You're dancing 'cause your friend died?
Well, he was a member of my ham club.
I'll now explain what that is.
For those who already know,
I authorize you to leave the room.
[CLATTERING, RUNNING FOOTSTEPS]
The Tappahonnock Ham Society
is a brotherhood of Southern gentlemen
who carry out the great
Virginian tradition
of curing and aging hams.
- Ham the meat?
- The same.
- That's cool.
- Very.
And the only way to rise up the ranks
in ham club is if someone dies.
So Skip's death is friggin' huge for me.
And why?
I'll get slightly better ham now.
Thanks, Skippy.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]
- Do you have...
- A governing body in ham club?
Excellent question.
We have a president, VP, treasurer,
and, best job of all, carver.
And that position is open,
thanks to the big-rig tire
that jumped through Skip's windshield.
I was gonna ask you if had any
idea where the bathroom was.
The bathroom at ham club?
It's an 18th-century outhouse.
Pretty cool.
That is pretty cool.
With a red-eye gravy
sandwiched between a
fresh buttermilk biscuit.
Mmm. Ham, you mean.
Well, I think I'll turn in.
Can I get you two some coffee... to go?
No, Carol. Thank you.
You can put the coffee in proper mugs.
We're gonna stay a while.
Stan, I know this might sound crazy,
but I feel like your
friend died for a reason...
to open up a slot for me in ham club.
You in ham club? I don't think so.
- Why not?
- You're not a good fit.
By that, I just mean I don't
think anyone would like you.
Also, you have a tendency
to ruin all my things.
I ruin everyone's things.
That's my thing,
and now you've ruined it.
[CRYING]
♪♪
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
♪ I got a feelin'
that it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪
♪ The sun in the sky has
a smile on his face ♪
♪ And he's shinin'
a salute to the American race ♪
♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪
- ♪ Good... ♪
- ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
Aah!
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
Roger wants to join ham club.
Roger? No.
Ham club has standards, Stan.
I tried to tell him that,
but he gets so emotional.
He's carrying around his
vial of hemlock again.
Does Roger even have a
relationship with ham?
- None.
- So get him an interview.
Let his lack of ham
knowledge do the rest.
That's genius.
I'm a friend.
I throw his hat in the ring.
But you coach him so he doesn't
jeopardize your reputation
with any of his typical Roger antics.
I thread the needle.
There's nothing easier.
I know I don't say it enough, Klaus,
but you're a hell of a valet.
Don't mention it, Stan.
The way you shit on me
in front of everyone
and pretend we don't have
this special connection
is thank you enough.
Oh, my God. Tuttle?
He is such a scaredy-cat.
Yeah, I've seen him
scared tons of times.
I've seen Jeff scared.
Oh, yeah, I've seen,
like, 20 Jeffs scared.
Spell it with a "G," a "J,"
if your name's Jeff,
you're scared, and I've seen it.
Check it. I'm gonna flip it on you.
Who have you never seen scared?
Great cue.
You know, I've...
I've never seen Greg scared.
That's true. Weird.
Pfft, Greg.
Greg the egg.
I could scare him.
Oh-ho-ho-ho. How would you do it?
Easy. Come at him with an ax.
[ROGER SOBBING]
[CRYING]
Wow, Roger, this place looks great.
I'll drink it, Stan. I will.
I got you an interview with my ham club.
Oh, thank you, Stan.
I'm so friggin' amped.
[GRUNTS]
About that.
Sometimes you can be a little big.
- I'll wear my girdle.
- I mean your personality.
- My personality?
- It's just you can be flamboyant,
and these guys are fancy.
You put those polar opposites together,
- and things could get...
- Flambancy?
- Exactly.
- So should I not be myself?
Yes. Thanks for making this easy.
So how should I act?
Buttoned-up, humble, all about ham.
What were you thinking of wearing?
Two hooks for my hands,
two hooks for my feet.
_
Hello, Roger.
I'm Ignatius Calhoun,
22nd President of the
Tappahonnock Ham Society,
and on behalf of the membership,
thank you for chatting with us
about a subject we hold most dear.
I speak, of course, of ham.
[CHUCKLES] Of course.
I know you're a friend of Brother Stan,
so I'll get to the meat of the matter.
Do you like ham?
Roger? Your thoughts on ham?
Yes, yes.
Bottom line, there's not
a thing in all God's creation
I love more than the taste of clam.
Uh, sorry.
What I'm trying to say is that,
more than anything in the world,
I want in your clam club.
Sugar.
Obviously, you get I'm trying to say
"clam," not "clam."
Motherfu...
Thanks so much.
Pleasure.
Excuse my handshake.
It's not an accurate
reflection of who I am.
He's a really nice guy, but...
Not a Tappahonnock man. I get it.
I'll let him down easy.
That wasn't so bad.
[ENGINE STARTS]
Whatever happens now
is out of my control.
[SIGHS]
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Ain't happening, Jack.
Now, with status quo secure,
shall we get down to the matter at ham?
More like matter at ham.
- [LAUGHTER]
- That... that was...
That was my joke.
What the hell is going on?
♪♪
Oh, shit.
♪♪
♪ Come on, babe,
why don't we paint the town? ♪
♪ And all that ham ♪
♪ I'm gonna rouge my knees
and roll my stockings down ♪
♪ And all that ham ♪
♪ Start the car,
I know a whoopee spot ♪
♪ Where the ham is cold,
but some of it's also hot ♪
♪ It's just a noisy hall where
there's a nightly brawl ♪
♪ And all that jazz ham ♪
[SONG ENDS]
- [STAN GRUNTS]
- So, do you think it went well?
I just slammed you against a wall.
Yeah, but sometimes people
do that before hardcore sex.
- Are we...
- You made a fool of me.
I never should've vouched for you.
You owe us an apology, Smith.
Where you been hiding this guy?
Roger, we'd be honored
if you'd join the
Tappahonnock Ham Society.
- What?
- What? Oh, my God.
I was so worried you wouldn't let me in
after I did the splits and
that feather went up my butt,
but maybe you didn't notice.
IGNATIUS: Heavenly Father,
we thank You for providing this ham.
This ham is a good ham,
and it is the work of Your hands.
May this ham bless our bodies
and give us the strength
to endure the day.
Amen.
Nice [BLEEP] prayer, man.
Are you nuts?
It's your first day. Stay in your lane.
Geez. Got it. Sorry.
Hey, check it out. Meat curtains.
[LAUGHTER]
This guy's a live wire.
Look at me. I'm somebody's wife.
♪♪
Mr. Brave, huh?
That's what you're calling yourself?
'Cause that's a bunch of crap,
if you ask me.
Hi, Francine.
Hi?
Let's see who's saying hi
when I change your world.
What you doing with the ax?
This is what I'm doing
with the ax, Greg!
- Mmm.
- Good gracious.
I propose we move on
to discussing glazes.
Now, I've been contemplating
dried honeysuckle.
Ugh, again with the ham?
Don't you guys ever do anything else?
This is a ham club.
And I love ham.
Top 10 meat, no question.
But there's more to life.
- Like what?
- I don't know.
Anyone heard of Six Flags?
- Well, that sounds good.
- What about ham?
Arturo's smiling.
What do you say, Iggy? Day at the park?
You're a prime candidate
for Yosemite Sam's
Hollywood Flight School.
Let's get in the car!
- Alright, alright, alright.
- I say, whoo-hoo!
I hope my face shows how
mad I am emotionally.
MAN: Stop the coaster!
Something's wrong!
- Stupid Roger.
- Stan, where the heck were you
during the "Looney Tunes"
meet and greet?
Arturo high-fived Speedy Gonzales.
Congratulations, Roger.
Once again,
you've ruined something I love.
Arturo, why don't you run
along and buy some churros...
and a basketball jersey.
I feel overdressed.
Probably a long shot
they sell them here,
but everyone's wearing one, so maybe.
The club was perfect,
but you just had to change it.
You couldn't stay in your lane.
Lane, schmane.
- Just take ham.
- What ham?
Any ham. All the ham.
Whatever "ham" you want in life,
just take it.
See this? It's Arturo's two-year ham.
How'd you get that?
Only cabinet members
get the prestige ham.
I took it. Did it in front of him, too.
He didn't say shit. Here.
Arturo, Stan ganked
a piece of your two-year.
[GASPS]
See? You just took ham,
and there were no repercussions.
Whoa.
Now picture "taking ham"
in the biggest way possible.
Doesn't have to be ham-related.
What do you want most in life?
I want to be the new ham carver.
Yes. It didn't have to be ham-related,
but I'm glad it was.
It's settled. You're gonna be carver.
But how?
Put on a fresh pot, Carol.
We're writing a candidacy poem.
- A what?
- Yeah, I need clarification, too.
Stan, it's a poem to announce,
with authority,
you're the man to carve the ham.
Oh, we're already rhyming.
Oh, my God, Carol.
Why aren't you writing this down?
Ham, pam, ram, bam, blam, shlam.
- Shlam!
- Shlam!
I like to eat my ham.
It makes me feel like shmam.
- Hey, another rhyme.
- I brought cookies.
Not now, Carol.
We're finally onto something.
I have nothing. I'm a fraud.
All I can hear is the
ticking of this tiny clock.
[CLOCK CRASHES]
[BOTH MUNCHING]
I was probably too harsh on Carol.
This cookie was just the spark I needed.
- She should've knocked.
- Right?
Well, we did it.
I think it's pretty good, too.
So, how long you been writing poems?
Oh, God, all my life.
Kind of what I thought I'd be,
a poem-writing guy.
♪♪
"I like to eat my ham.
"It makes me feel like shmam.
"Have you seen the movie 'Kazaam'?
"But back to ham.
"Did you know that an imam
"is a man who leads prayers in a mosque?
"What if you pronounced imam "i-mam"?
"W-would that make you think of ham?
"My name is Stan.
Ham."
ROGER: Ne-e-xt.
[LAUGHTER]
What kind of dillbag writes a poem?
The poem sucked.
I dare say, Roger,
you should be the new ham carver.
Me? Okay, I'll do it.
- Whoo-hoo!
- My man!
I wrote the poem, by the way.
We loved the poem.
Hey, bud, great meeting tonight.
You sabotaged me.
Well, yeah, Stan.
You didn't want me in your ham club.
That really hurt my feelings.
I didn't want you in my ham club
because you do things like this.
Eh, feels like we got a
"chicken or the egg" situation here.
Besides, we bust balls in this club.
You got to come right back at me, dude.
Arturo actually brought that up.
He's been clocking it.
He's actually a pretty
funny guy if you can get him
talking about something other than...
dinosaurs.
Oh, God, how I want
my first ham for the club
to be absolute perfection.
The boys will accept only the best,
and yet mine looks nothing
like this good ham.
Oh, bother.
Maybe I should step away
and rest my fevered mind
and returneth anew in the
freshness of the morn.
But shall I secure my precious ham?
Nay. Let it lieth here
under the eyes of angels.
For now, I seeketh
repose in my chambers,
to drift dreamward while
hardcore porn blasts
on my Samsung Galaxy 9+.
Let's see how much your butt buddy
Arturo loves you after
he pukes his guts out.
ROGER: Oh, this gentleman
doth be nice and veiny.
My little birds tell me you skipped
Tappahonnock last night.
It's not like you to miss a carve, Stan.
But it is like me to not eat poison.
Tee-hee-hee-hee, hee-hee-hee-hee.
You were right, Stan.
I should've stayed in my lane.
Oh, was your ham not a
complete and total success?
[ALL GROANING]
Oh, my God, these men are far sicker
than medium-strength
food-poisoning sick.
That's a strange way to put it.
Uh, uh, but would you agree?
Look at them.
- They're at death's door.
- Stay calm.
I'll load them into a U-Haul
and drive them into the ocean.
- Just wait.
- I already rented the U-Haul, Stan.
- It's done.
- Slow down.
We could drop them at a hospital?
A hospital.
Those nosy nurses will track
this right back to me...
I mean us... I mean you.
We need to bring the men
somewhere quiet, secluded,
where we can nurse them back to health.
My house in Maine. It's super secluded.
And the Maine breezes, Stan,
oh, my God, they're curative.
Okay, Maine.
- Maine?
- Maine.
- Maine!
- Maine!
Those bones look broken.
I suggest you get to Maine immediately.
Eh, there's only so much Maine can do.
Mom, you're awake.
You've been in a coma.
What?
You got hit by a truck
charging across the street
to scare Greg.
- Greg!
- [HORN HONKS, TIRES SCREECH]
Look out!
So, why are you in the hospital, Hayley?
Are you sick, too?
No, I'm visiting you.
Ah.
Francine, thank God you're okay.
But I didn't scare you.
What? We didn't think you'd make it.
You scared me terribly.
Yeah, I did, you little bitch.
High five, Hayley.
- Let's do the other one.
- Absolutely not.
Get it.
Aah! Nurse!
Now, I know sleeping in
a new bed can be scary,
but just lie back and
let Maine do its work.
Good night, you princes of ham,
you kings of...
ham.
What are you doing? I was in there.
You were?
Stan, those men are quite sick.
They're not your playthings.
Better make sure you didn't bother them.
ROGER: Here comes the tickle monster.
[BREATHES DEEPLY]
Ah, first cup of the day.
Second cup of the day.
Third cup of the day.
Ah.
Now to cure the men.
What a mess.
♪♪
Feel that Maine breeze, men.
It'll cure you.
Sponge baths will also cure you, Arturo.
Oh, I forgot
my soothing eucalyptus spray.
Wait. Did I even pack that?
Why am I running?
Little more breeze time.
Arturo, wake up.
Chloe Sevigny's sucking
Vincent Gallo's di...
[ALL GROANING]
We should've done this
a long time ago, Stan.
The men are really
responding to the ocean.
Stan, have you noticed how
I hold my hot drinks in Maine...
with two hands?
I think you should try it.
The men aren't getting better, Roger.
Stan! Arturo escaped!
He can't have gone far.
Grab a few Uzis,
and we'll fan out in the woods.
God, I should never
have let you in this club.
Then you couldn't have clowned
me so hard after I read my poem,
I wouldn't have gotten
mad and poisoned your...
Poisoned my what?
Your ham. I poisoned your ham.
Son of a bitch. You know what you did?
- You took ham.
- What?
Poisoning ham is the ultimate
example of taking ham.
- So you're not mad?
- Mad?
I'm proud of you, man.
[ARTURO GROANS, FARTS]
Arturo, what the heck are you
doing under there, you silly?
[ARTURO GROANS]
Wait. Did you hear that?
- What?
- He's trying to say, "Ha-a-a-m."
- I'm not sure.
- Of course you're not sure.
We don't know what we're doing.
But they know.
Their bodies want ham.
We need to make a ham so good
it'll restore their will to live.
- A redemption ham.
- Redemption ham.
This ham's nice.
Ooh, but this is also a nice ham.
And get a load of this ham, Stan.
That's the ham.
Should we also get some pumpkin
butter while we're here?
I think we have enough on our...
Stan, we need to focus.
We have enough on our plate.
Hands are full, Stan.
Just buy the pumpkin butter.
Two big ones.
It seems you've
rediscovered your passion
for curing and aging hams.
♪♪
[MEN FARTING]
It stinks in here, right?
Should I crack a window?
I'm worried about the ham.
It's not enough. Cut it down, Stan.
Run. Run from the farts.
It'll get in the ham.
For those of you who
participated in the farting,
I hope you had a good laugh,
but I've got a joke for you.
Knock knock.
Who's there? Not a ham to look at.
Oh, I don't hear any laughing now.
Sinking in, huh?
It's sinking in what happened.
Good. I want it to.
Think long and hard.
Me? I'll be downstairs
with Stan, having fun,
looking at the ham whenever I want.
[MAN FARTS]
Who did it? Who was it?
I'll smell every ass in...
It's time, Arturo.
No.
Not for that, silly,
for me and Stan's ham.
It's gonna be nice.
I hope this works.
So, how do you want to serve it?
Real thick-like?
- Super thin.
- Like prosciutto.
American prosciutto.
Again with the correcting.
♪♪
I don't understand.
I can see there's no tricking you, Stan,
so I'll just come clean.
I poisoned our redemption ham.
Why, you ask?
Because I was having
so much fun with you,
and I knew if the men got better,
we'd leave.
I think it was just always about that.
Joining the club,
I just wanted to spend time with you.
I'm sorry.
No, I'm sorry.
I was a jerk.
You said no one would like me.
I know, and I was wrong.
Plus, you taught me to take ham.
Do you have any idea how big that is?
Hug time?
I also poisoned the first ham.
- What?
- The ham you poisoned?
I also poisoned it.
- Like, a lot.
- Why'd you do that?
To get you to Maine, man.
How great is it here?
Very great.
You know what's not so very great?
The men.
Ah, yes, the sticky question of the men.
I've been thinking on this, Stan,
and when I put my mind
to something, watch out,
because great things can occur.
Were you gonna say an idea?
Oh, yeah.
I'll stop feeding them poison hams.
I'll also stop poisoning their water.
I've been poisoning their water.
Although, I will say,
I think they like the poison water
even though it's bad for them.
People don't know what's good
for them, Stan.
_
- Let us out of here!
- My family thinks I'm dead!
There's gonna be hell to pay!
- The men seem to be thriving, Roger.
- I'll say.
You know, if we're gonna do that
little detour to Lake Champlain,
which I would really like to do,
the men will have to be subdued.
Oh, we're doing the trip.
Alright, piggies, it's watering time.
Oh, boy! Water!
Bye-bye. See you soon.