American Dad! (2005–…): Season 14, Episode 13 - Mom Sauce - full transcript

♪♪

Class, meet our new student,
Snot Lonstein!

Now, don't treat him any differently

because he's Jewish and poor,

or because his thirsty mom
gave me big skank vibes.

Okay?

Go sit down, honey.

I'm also allergic to nuts.

Well, lucky for you,
you clearly don't have any.

I mean, the way
I'm just dunkin' on you up here.

TEACHER: Everybody, take out pencils



and practice your letters!

Whoa, you can't even afford a penthil?

My grandma has one.

I'm supposed to get it when she dies.

But I'm good...
Mine never runs out of ink.

Well, if it does,
I have bigger problems.

You can have one of mine.

- Thanks!
- I got you, pal.

From here on out,

it's gonna be you and me forever.

Wow, that's a weird thing to say
to someone you've just met,

but thanks again!

♪♪

Thanks.



I blew most of my tokens on Skee-ball.

And the rest were taken
from me at gunpoint

in the men's room.

I got you, pal.

Hey, need any Steve Bucks?

Check out the sick new re-design.

Oh! You fixed that typo

that said, "In Steve We Thrust."

Yep!

And, as always, you can trade these in

for whatever you need from me...
food, cash,

some of those Glade plug-ins
you like to pass off as cologne.

Thanks.

A little dab of "Hawaiian Breeze"

behind my ear not only smells great,

it's also the closest
I'll ever get to the Caribbean.

Hey, want to kick my ass at Frogger?

Can't.

My mom asked me to pick up dinner,

so I got to hit up Burrito Barn.

If I throw up on the salad bar,

they usually toss it
all in the dumpster.

Then it's just me versus the crows.

Well, I don't want to step
on your dinner plans,

but why don't you guys
come eat at our house?

Like in the basement? From a trough?

No, at the kitchen table with us.

Like the family on
the TV show Dinosaurs?

No way!

♪♪

♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪

♪ I got a feelin'
that it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪

♪ The sun in the sky has
a smile on his face ♪

♪ And he's shinin' a salute
to the American race ♪

♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪

- ♪ Good... ♪
- ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪

Aah!

♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪

♪♪

I gotta say Francine,
your salad dressing is amazing.

I can't stop eating it!

I don't even care if it
goes straight to my ass!

So sweet of you to say that.

My mom makes everything from scratch.

Come on, eat up!

I'm actually pretty good, Steve.

Right. A to-go plate.

Hearts of palm, fruit leather...

How you doing on Easter
egg coloring kits?

Steve, I don't think they need...

STEVE: Mom, don't make this weird!

They have nothing!

(RUSTLING)

So... Esther,

Steve says Snot's birthday is coming up.

Where da party at?

Probably Pervert Park...
it's always empty.

Except for the pervs. But it's free!

Although, with the pervs
comes an emotional price.

Nonsense. Have your party here.

We have a pool, a barbecue,
almost no pervs.

KLAUS: Almost!

- Thanks, Steve.
- Please.

You would do the same thing for me

if the Salvation Army shoe
were on the other foot.

- ♪♪
- _

(SIGHING) Ahh! Orange Julius.

Proof God loves us.

Hey, Roger, where'd you get that?

Secret menu, baby.

Go to any Orange Julius
and ask for it "Julius Style,"

and they'll just give you
a big bowl of chicken gizzards.

Have you ever considered modeling?

- Every day.
- I think you all

have what it takes to be models.

Mall fashion show? What a joke.

- (LAUGHTER)
- KLAUS: Oh, this is incredible.

- This is so incredible
- Whoo!

Jeff is excited!

You guys are idiots.

Those are just flyers

for a lame mall fashion show.

I'm gonna be a super model.

Aah! What the hell?!

Is anyone else seeing this?

♪♪

♪♪

- Aah!
- (GRUNTS)

- (THUDS)
- (GROANING)

(GRUNTING) There's no room!

Th-There's no...
It doesn't work that way.

(SPLASH)

You almost killed me!

Now slap this out of my hand.

- Why?
- Models can't drink this stuff.

We're gonna be on strict diets.

Riiiight after this.

(GULPS) Ahh.

(BURPS)

Now we're models.

♪♪

I just want to be a
single dad with a cush job

selling live bait.

What? Oh, sorry, Barry.

I just can't get over Snot's pants.

- (GAME BEEPS)
- BARRY: They really showcase that poppin' apple bottom.

No. How did he suddenly
afford new pants?

I hope he's not camming again.

Although, he is very good at it.

SNOT: Ugh! You beat me again!

Oh, game over, huh?

Need some Steve Bucks?

Nah, I'm good. But I am hungry.

Let's get some pizza. On me.

Snot never pays for pizza.

Where is all this money coming from?

Who cares? Just be happy for him.

Oh, sure. Absolutely.

No one's rooting for
that guy more than me.

But what the hell?

Could we maybe just
sit in silence, Steve?

I have a ripping headache,
we're talking in circles,

and I just really want to focus
on waiting for the pizza.

Wow, two large Wallet Busters?

And here are some tubs of our delicious

new dipping sauce.

I'm sorry, Mr. Snot.

I'm a really big fan
of your mom's sauce.

Would you mind giving me your autograph?

Sure.

Might as well get used to it.

(PEN SCRIBBLES)

"Snot's Mom's Mom Sauce?"

Yes!

Finally, a big get for Carl!

I quit, Danny!
I'll see your ass in hell!

What's going on, Snot?

Ugh, guys, can we please

not make a big deal out of this?

We're loaded!

My mom started selling her own dressing,

and Pizza Overlord is using it

as their new dipping
sauce in every location!

_

No, no, mine.

Hmm.

It's just like my mom's dressing.

This is my mom's dressing!

Yeah. It's my mom's take on it.

(LAUGHS) Okay.

A-And I guess "Ice Ice Baby"
is just Vanilla Ice's take

on Queen's "Under Pressure"?

Yeah. My mom took something
and made it better,

just like Vanilla Ice did.

Well, Mr. A1A, Mr. Beachfront Avenue,

this dressing your mom made is no
"brand-new invention."

Yay!

Now work in the line
"grab a hold of me tightly."

Look, all I know is,
things are going well for us,

and I won't have to
mooch off of you anymore.

In fact, you can have
all your Steve Bucks back!

Oh, now you don't need me

because your mom stole
my mom's dressing?

Ha! That's really great, Snot.

So... logistically,
how do those Steve Bucks work?

Do you give them back to him
in exchange for money?

Couldn't he just give you
the money in the first place?

You know what? It's not my business.

PRINCIPAL LEWIS: Listen up, fools!

It's Taco Tuesday,
and Snot Lonstein is no longer

the poorest person in school.

Let's give it up for Mr. Ames,

the math teacher.

Don't you look at me, you bitch.

One plus one equals... you poor.

Where is Snot?

Probably at home crying,
trying to write me

an apology letter, feeling all...

Whoa!

Jewish Jaden Smith!

(HOVER-BOARD WHIRS)

- I love your mom's sauce!
- (CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)

Oh, if it isn't the little sauce prince.

Surprised you're not at home,
covered in sauce,

making out with your mom.

Oh, you're still hung up on that?

Yeah, I'm still hung up on it.

I'm also thinking about hanging up

my birthday party planning apron.

Oh, you thought I was still
having it at your house?

No.

We're recreating the Bellagio fountains

on the rooftop of the Langley W. hotel.

But what about our plan to use my house?

How about the guests park on your lawn

and the shuttle bus drivers
can shit in your bathroom.

Does that work for you?

Snotter, what's up, young bull?

Is this little chicken head
giving you problems?

Oh, hey, while I'm looking out for you,

can I borrow your hover-board?

Losing that gout battle today.

Keep it. I got three more at home.

Yo-ho! Check me out, skanks!

Lewis is ridin' dirty!

(GRUNTS)

(MUFFLED) I'm gonna go over here now.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Okay, I'll say it. That was flawless.

I don't know how not to nail it.

So easy to do things
when we're beautiful.

If you guys are done
sucking each other off...

which is, of course,
a huge part of modeling...

I can tell you we're nowhere
near mall fashion show level.

What do you know about it?

I yank it to Vogue magazine

every day... no days off!

(INDISTINCT WHISPERING)

Okay, we agree. You're the expert.

(SIGHS) So, everyone,
great job barely eating.

I think we deserve a treat. Jeff?

Snack wagon! Laxatives and cotton balls.

(SCOFFS) I can't.

I had two cotton balls today already.

I'm disgusting.

Roger, how do you eat everything

and not gain any weight?

Good genes, I guess. Hashtag blessed.

(WHISPERED) Hashtag tapeworm.

Focus!

Sure, we're killing it in this attic,

but we need to practice working a crowd

before our big gig at the mall.

They need to be discerning,
sophisticated...

a crowd of taste-makers.

The Chimdale Used Jet-Ski
Show is this weekend.

That...

is what we are doing.

♪♪

♪ Who makes Mom Sauce? ♪

I make Mom Sauce!

♪ Snot's Mom's Mom Sauce ♪

♪ On vegetables and pizza crust ♪

You'll love my mom's sauce.

They do!

Snot's Mom's Mom Sauce.

That name sucks the big one!

I think it's cute.

Her mom name is Snot's Mom,
and as his mom,

she's made this sauce for everyone.

It's a mom-friendly sauce.

Gah! They stole your recipe.

Why aren't you more upset?

Snot's mom didn't steal
anything from me.

My salad dressing recipe?

Sure, Esther! Let me get my recipe book.

Ai-del-de, de, da-da

Found my recipe card. Ready?

Partially hydrogenated oil...

Of course I've never
made homemade dressing!

Who has time for that?

I put in a full eight
hours of HGTV a day.

All this time,
our family dressing was just

Newman's Own Ranch?

But how... I-I-I don't...

Just let it go, Steve.
It's not our recipe.

The good news is, you have nothing to be

mad at Snot about.

- (MACHINE WHIRS)
- What the...

My mom's homemade window pane!

Yeaaah, about that.

MUSIC BOX VOICE: Congratulations!

You made the cut to Snot's
Bellagio bash at the W...

(SNIFFS) This isn't water at all.

It's Glow by Jennifer Lopez.

That's a nice touch.

- ♪♪
- _

Remember, we are here
to learn how to work a crowd.

So keep it tight, but also very loose.

Go!

♪♪

♪♪

Now I know how scary
it is to be a record.

I wonder...

♪ My baby loves that
chicken noodle soup ♪

♪ Waitin' in long lines ♪

♪ For that newly
invented chicken soup ♪

♪ Got to get that sweet,
sweet, sweet sugary soup ♪

♪♪

- (ENGINE REVS)
- (PEOPLE SCREAM)

I'm modeling!

♪♪

(STOMACH GROWLS)

(GROANS)

Work it, Stan!

Make us want to bang that thing!

♪♪

Yes, yes!

(ALL GASP)

WOMAN: Sir, you can't bang that Sea-Doo!

(CROWD EXCLAIMS)

♪♪

Check it out!
I've got a hologram of Prince!

♪ Tiny, little sexual guy ♪

Uh!

As you can see,
this party is pretty crunked.

Steve!

I'm glad you made it!

Things were a little
weird the other day.

I wasn't sure you were coming.

(CHUCKLES) What? I wouldn't miss this.

(HELICOPTER BLADES WHIR)

♪♪

(PEOPLE SCREAM)

What the hell?!

(QUIETLY) Happy birthday.

Nobody steals recipes from Paul Newman

and gets away with it.

What? Who are you?

We're Newman's Own
Copyright Protection Unit.

♪♪

(WHIRRING CONTINUES)

Where are you taking my mom?!

To Newman's Own Women's Own Prison.

Oh, no! No, no, no.

You... You can't take her!

You're just supposed to take her money.

Her son has no one else!

One step ahead of you.

Child Protective Services?
Yeah, we got a pickup for you.

No! Don't call them!

♪♪

(SOBBING) Mom!

My Shmuley!

Noooooo!

Honey, are you the abandoned child?

I guess so.

I haven't really had time to process it.

We are Child Protective Services,

and you need to get on the ground!

(GAGS) Wait a minute.

Are you Lindsay Lohan?

That's right. Don't do drugs.

(GAGGING)

- ♪♪
- _

(TIRES SCREECH)

What were you thinking?!

I didn't know this would happen.

I just wanted things
to go back to normal,

when Snot was poor,
and he looked at me like a god.

Hmm. Not sure I like the
way he feels in my arms.

Yeah, that's awkward as hell.
You're right, honey.

We should do that wine cellar instead.

STEVE: We'll give him a home.

Steve! What are you doing here?

I told you, it's you and me forever.

Now come to Stevie!

Hmm.

Let me just...

Nope. Wow. You are sort of awkward.

H-Have you had a scoliosis screening?

Yep. Got it bad.

First off,
thank you for choosing adoption.

Most couples,

especially smoking-hot
ones like yourselves,

insist on having biological children.

Um, we're not a couple. I'm a child.

You think that six could bag this dime?

Steve Smith...

(GASPS) What a coincidence.

Says here you're the reason Snot's here

- in the first place.
- What?

Steve tipped off Newman's Own
about your mom's dressing.

So they arrested her
and turned you over to us.

I knew it.

You couldn't stand seeing me
and my mom on top for once,

so you made sure we lost
everything we ever had!

That's not true!
A-And you still have me!

You're dead to me.

So... if you two aren't dating,

does that mean you're single?

Who are you asking?

Whoever wants to answer.

♪♪

I'm so sorry for everything,
Mrs. Lonstein.

I'm sure Snot told you what happened.

No. Is he okay?

I used my phone time to get on Loveline.

Dr. Drew has amazing advice
on dating prison guards.

He says, "Do it. Get some if you can."

That's, uh... good advice.

(SOBS)

Are you okay?

When I said I hadn't talked to Snot,

that was a little bit of a fib.

Ya dead, suckah!

- (GRUNTS)
- Cover the camera!

You separated this family!

And I'm gonna do the same thing

to your body and your dick.

Aah! Aah, aah!

- (SHIV CLATTERS)
- (GROANS)

I need another shiv.

Please, remember the oath
you took as a prison guard

and protect my dick!

You want this shiv,
it's gonna cost you two bottles.

(GLASS CLINKS)

What the hell is that?

Mrs. Lonstein's toilet wine.
Everybody loves it.

You make wine in a toilet?

I do!

I also make dark
chocolate in my underwear.

That's just a gross joke.

You got to laugh to stay sane in here.

By the way, the warden would
like a case of your toilet wine

for his son's christening.

Yeah? Then tell him
I want a sushi pizza.

You want a sushi pizza?
I can get you one.

People will do anything
for my toilet wine.

Huge pass on the fish pizza,

but I have an idea how
to get you out of prison.

(BOTTLE CLINKS)

(WOMAN GRUNTING)

(CLINK)

♪♪

♪♪

WOMAN:
Nobody steals my Lonstein's Toilet Wine.

Lonstein's Toilet Wine.

It's okay to drink from the toilet.

NARRATOR:
Lonstein's Toilet Wine is a division

of Newman's Own Industries.

Isn't that your mom's fancy wine?

You must be so rich.

Actually, no.

My mom had to give it
all to Newman's Own

to get out of jail.

So you're not rich?

- Yeah, he is.
- Ooh!

Is this real money?

Well, it's more
a currency of friendship.

You guys are chodes.

But just in case George
Soros follows through

on his scheme to destabilize the dollar.

Soros, aye?

Have I been too generous with these?

I'm still mad at you, Steve.

But you are a hoot.

I'm so sorry for everything I did.

I was just scared of losing you.

Scared?

I thought you were jealous that,
for once,

I had more money than you.

No! I thought I was gonna
lose your friendship.

See, I've always been your sugar daddy,

and when you got your own sugar,

I was worried you wouldn't want
to hang out with daddy anymore.

That's crazy! You'll always be my daddy.

I know everyone says this,

but kids really do talk
different these days.

Friends?

Best friends.

Oh, look! It's nutless and lisp boy.

Were... Were you
our kindergarten teacher?

I don't know.

Is your mom still a skank?

Enjoy your food.

(BOTH GROAN)

♪♪

Okay.

It's all led up to this.

Everyone looks amazing.

And we got here by
making healthy choices.

(WEAKLY) Whoo! Time to own the runway.

- (STOMACH GRUMBLES)
- Roger, are you okay?

Just a nervous tummy for the big show.

Let's do this, you beautiful bitches.

♪♪

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)

(THUD)

(WOMAN SCREAMS)

(WORM GROWLS)

- Ew!
- Ew!

- ♪ So shine bright ♪
- (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

♪ Tonight ♪

- ♪ You and I ♪
- (CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICK)

- ♪ We're beautiful like diamonds in the sky ♪
- Work it, you slimy bitch.

♪ Eye to eye ♪

Ohh, baby.

I see why you got the cover.

(KNOCKS ON DOOR)

Klaus, are you in there
with a spank mag again?

It's Vogue, you Neanderthal!

(GROANS)

Bye! Have a beautiful time!