American Dad! (2005–…): Season 13, Episode 19 - Top of the Steve - full transcript

[Sing-song] Rain day! Rain day!

Today's the day we count the rain!

I bet it rained 1,000 inches last year.

Get real, Steve. Closer to 'finity.

Only one way to settle it.

Let's go to the gauge!

Hmm, that's odd.

I could've sworn this
was where we installed

our professional rain collection system

exactly one year ago today to the day.

What are you two dummies
doing staring at the fence?



Dad! You're drinking
out of our rain gauge!

Steve, this is a yard-garita glass.

See? It has little markers

so I can measure how
jacked up I'm getting.

You ruined our experiment!

Actually, it seems like I'm teaching you

a valuable lesson about
leaving your stuff outside.

You should've seen all the gross water

I had to drink out of this thing.

Oh, so much sweet rain.

You always act like
you're more important

than everyone else!

Steve, I act like that
because I am more important.

I'm the big dog around here. Ruff-ruff!



Roger, back me up.

Stan, I'm pissed
about the rain thing, too.

But yes, you are the big dog. Ruff-ruff.

You see, Steve,
I cast a pretty big shadow.

So either get used to it or mosey along.

Maybe I will mosey along.

Maybe you've been holding
me back my whole life!

Maybe I'll run away!

Sounds good. Send a postcard.

Address it to my shadow.

Mailman knows where it is.

- [Slurps]
- [Door opens]

Hey, Stan! Did Steve just run away?

He'll be back. He's a little pup.

He knows the big dog runs the show.

That's you, baby! The big dog!

Ruff-ruff!

- Big dog! Ruff-ruff.
- Ruff-ruff!

Ruff-ruff! Ruff-ruff!

Uh-oh, is that the dog-father himself,
Tuttle, I hear?!

That must mean the puppy
pound can't be far behind.

[All "ruffing"]

♪♪

♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪

♪ I got a feelin'
that it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪

♪ The sun in the sky has
a smile on his face ♪

♪ And he's shinin'
a salute to the American race ♪

♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪

- ♪ Good... ♪
- ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪

Aah!

♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪

- ♪♪
- _

Man, we ran away to a pretty
fancy boarding school.

Yeah, I wasn't expecting this much

from a place that let us in
20 minutes after we applied.

Room 237...

Our home for the next four years.

Holy cow!

Welcome to Pendlingtonton
Academy, buddy.

This place is nice.

Usually, when I run away,

I'm in a children's pickpocket
army within 12 hours.

- I'll make friendships here that'll last a lifetime.
- You might.

I still keep in touch with
some of my pickpocket buds.

- Uh, Steve...
- I'll read Plato and Homer...

- Steve...
- ...row crew with my best buds...

Steve! I think your experience is
gonna be a lot different than that,

because Pendlingtonton
is an all-girls school!

♪♪

Woman: ♪ At a school for girls,
Steve'll rock their world ♪

♪ Had to let him enroll
because of a loophole ♪

♪ That's right,
there was a bizarre technicality ♪

♪ Discovered in the
charter of the school ♪

♪ That's pretty complicated
but is 100% binding ♪

♪ So all you need to know is... ♪

♪ It was a technicality ♪

♪ That changed his reality ♪

♪ And now Steve goes to this school ♪

♪♪

♪ And you best believe,
he'll n-n-never leave ♪

♪ 'Cause now he's top
of the Steeeeeeeeve ♪

"Top of the Steve" is filmed in
front of a live studio audience.

♪♪

_

I wonder what our suitemates
are gonna be like.

I bet one's a really smart, uptight girl

and the other one's a bad
girl with a heart of gold.

Or maybe a super-boring girl

and an east-coast Mexican girl.

Or maybe a girl who's a
hacker in a wheelchair

and then the other girl has,
like, I don't know,

a huge ass.

So it's true!

They did let a boy into Pendlingtonton!

So, yeah.

No one's actually told
us how that happened?

Yeah, why did they let him in?

It was a technicality!
We're your suitemates.

I'm Spitz.

This is The Babe.

I have an actual real name,
but it's not important.

All the girls in school are jealous

that we get to room with the "boy."

I don't care, though. I'm a lesbian.

I'm also prelaw.

So this will be a pretty
interesting living...

- arraignment.
- Ha ha ha ha.

Yeah.

I doubt people are jealous of
you rooming with dorky old me.

Look for yourself!

It's the boy!

I'm so jealous you get to room with him!

Aaaaaaaaaah!

What is the meaning of this nonsense!

Steve Smith.

I knew having a boy walking
around Pendlingtonton

with his little dick
would be a distraction.

My office, now!

You're in trouble.

♪♪

Where's Steve?

I got us two tickets to Tara-dise.

Tara Reid's illegal lion sanctuary.

Steve ran away to boarding school,
remember?

Oh, yeah. Whatever. Steve sucks!

I-I don't need him to have fun!

So you guys are just doing books?

- [Doorbell rings]
- Yes! Thank God!

Something to get our minds off Steve.

Hey, Mister!

I heard your family could
use a down-on-their-luck kid

with an unflappable spirit!

Unflappable?

I'm Spunky Rooster!

And I'm moving in!

A little cramped, but it'll do!

♪♪

Well, you think you're pretty special,

waltzing in here with your technicality

and your little penis.

You keep mentioning the size of my...

I don't want you here, Smith!

Those cowards at the school board

were too afraid to stand up to you.

But I'm not!

But you can't kick out Steve.

I can and I will!

As soon as I figure out how.

In the meantime,
don't expect any special treatment.

We're not getting you
one of those boy chairs

with a hole cut out
for your little wiener.

Boys use regular chairs.

D-Do you really not know that?

♪♪

Geez. That headmistress
is really gunning for me.

Relax, everyone I've talked to
seems to think

your technicality is iron-clad.

Mmm.

Hey, guys.

What's wrong, Spitz?

I just professed my love

to the captain of the
science debate team

and she totally rejected me.

Poor Spitz. Tragic, huh?

We're the only two lesbians
in the whole school.

And yet,
neither one of us can find love.

Wait, you're also a lesbian?

Cheer up, Spitz. You'll find somebody.

Now, let me see that smile!

Stop it! Stop tickling me!

There it is!

There's that smile.

[Both laugh]

What is happening here?

- Steve!
- [Glass shatters]

My udon and meatballs!

The headmistress wants to see you.

You're in trouble!

[Chuckling]

[Screams]

[All cheering]

Man, that girl was slippin' quick!

Good thing that conveniently placed

pile of cardboard boxes
was there to stop her.

Whatever. It was a funny fall.

I'm not gonna overthink it.

Hey, Mr. Stan!

What did you mean when you said
I was 'nnoying?

Does that mean I ask a lot of questions?

Is that what it means? 'Nnoying?

Does that mean to ask
too many questions?

Yes, Spunky.

Was it 'nnoying when I nursed
that bird back to health

and then he ate all your
important biz-a-ness papers?

Everything you've done since you
showed up has been "'nnoying."

That bus driver you
brought home to dinner.

When you pretended the living
room was the bottom of the ocean.

I've been "'nnoyed" by all of it.

But as long as you're here,
let's do something fun.

Make bisghetti or gazagna?

Shut up. No.

I'm gonna beat you at Horse.

Steve used to love it when
I whipped his ass at Horse.

I never played bus-kit-ball!

But I'll try!

From the car, bounce it off the ground,

to the backboard, then jump down,

and catch it mid-air

for an eyes-closed backwards layup!

Whoa! Today must be my lucky day!

What the hell?
That was, like, top five all-time...

- Just bounce it off the ground...
- I saw!

- [Grunts]
- Oopsies!

That's an "H," Mr. S!

[Groans]

♪♪

Headmistress Mahoney: Come in, Steve!

I didn't even knock.

Oh, I could hear your little pecker

swinging to and fro all
the way down the hall.

Clanging against your
thighs like a church bell.

I did a little digging into your
"technicality," Smith.

And I found something very interesting.

The technicality has a clause!

The technicality has a clause?

That's right, and it states that a boy

can only stay in school
if he competes in,

and wins, the Academic Decathlon.

Which is tomorrow!

Oh, no!

We are readying this today.

Enjoy your last night as Pendlingtonton.

I assume you'll need the next 12 hours

to pack up all your jock
straps and Gold Bond.

Am I the first man you've ever met?

♪♪

Okay, first question.

The Battle of Appomattox
took place on...

which page of this book?

That's not something they're gonna ask!

69, Steve.

You know,
not to get us totally off track,

but do you think there's something odd

about our whole setup
here at Pendlingtonton?

Roger, I don't have time for this.

Think about it. You show up.

It's a surprise that
it's an all-girls school.

There's the technicality. The clause.

[Both laughing]

I can't believe you!

Oh, hey, guys. You should've seen it.

Stacy Hemerson dared The
Babe to eat a whole honeydew!

Rind and all!

Not only did The Babe do it,

but then,
she grabbed Becky by the throat...

Not now, Spitz!
Can't you see I'm trying to study!

It's my room, too, Steve. Geez!

Bite my frickin' head off!

Well, maybe pay attention to people
other than yourself for once!

You have no idea what it's like

being the only boy at
an all-girls school!

You're right, Steve.

I have no idea what it's
like to be different.

[Audience "awws"]

The Babe: Spitz, wait!

Steve, just because you have a dick

doesn't mean you have be a dick.

Whoever that was, they get it.

♪♪

Name any bird.

- Mm, blue jay.
- That's it.

You are ready for whatever test
your teachers might throw at you.

Steve, I know you're mad at me,
but just hear me out.

Spitz, wait.

Let me apologize. I was a jerk.

I wanted so badly to prove to my dad

that I could be the big dog

that I let it affect our friendship.

And it doesn't even matter.

'Cause I'm gonna lose
and have to move home.

Steve, I know
what it's like to feel different.

I'm prelaw.

Which is why I took a look
at the school's charter.

And guess freakin' what?

The clause to your technicality

has an addendum!

Okay, anyone here speak Spitz?

- Oh, why am I doing this?
- Listen!

Steve doesn't have to win the Decathlon.

He just has to win any
school contest he chooses!

Spitz, you genius!

When you're prelaw,
legalese is a legal breeze.

Well, I don't think
we're gonna top that.

Let's go.

Headmistress Mahoney.

We took a look at your little clause

and it turns out, it has an addendum.

What?!

Damn it! You're right!

It's that easy to find?

Okay, Steve.

I guess you've got me by your
sticky little glue stick.

Pick the contest.

The Battle of the Bands! That's perfect!

Is it? We don't have a band.

- What the...
- Okay, guys.

I know we've only got
one day to practice

and we've never played together

and it's The Babe's first time on drums.

But the only way we're
gonna win this contest

is if we have some fun!

A-one, two, three, four!

[Skillful drum solo]

♪♪

Don't worry! She'll get it eventually!

♪♪

Hey, I noticed Spunky Rooster's

tie-dyed hammock isn't
in Steve's room anymore.

- Did she...
- She's in St. Paul. That's all you need to know.

- [Doorbell rings]
- Steve?!

If this is Steve,
everyone be cool, okay?

Oh, hey, Steve.

Jolly-ho! You must be Stan Smith!

John Michael Heaton.

I am your long-lost,
never-before-mentioned cousin.

And I'll be moving in permanently.

Cars should drive on the left,
that's what I say!

I don't want this man to live here!

When I come back down,
I expect a massive tea service.

Pip, pip! Wimbledon's the best.

Man, we sounded awesome!

I think we might just win this thing!

Yep, seems like just about everything

is coming up Steve these days.

And I think I figured out why.

Steve, remember
when Frasier left "Cheers"

for his own show?

When Rhoda left
"The Mary Tyler Moore Show"?

I'm 14, not 90.

Steve, you're in a spin-off!

♪♪

Don't you spin-off, Steviods.

"Top of the Steve" will be right back.

Steve: What do you mean,
I'm in a spin-off?

Think about it, Steve.

You get into Pendlingtonton
on a technicality.

Then, an obstacle arises
that if overcome

will firmly establish
this as your new home.

A promise of a new life!
That's spin-off 101, baby!

- A spin-off of what?
- I don't know!

- You're old life, I guess.
- Roger, that sounds crazy.

Crazier than what's been
going on around here!

Our roommates, who we only know
as Spitz and The Babe,

are both lesbians who
barely notice each other.

Clearly, the beginning

of a "will they/won't they" love story.

They're just friends
who tickle each other.

And the band... Each of your roommates

can play the exact
instrument you needed.

I mean, Spitz wanted to play the bass.

Usually, you have to force
that on the worse guitarist.

Face it, this is a spin-off
and you're the star!

I'm the star?

That means I'm the big dog!

Damn right! Big dog!

- Ruff-ruff!
- Both: Ruff-ruff!

- Big dog!
- Both: Ruff-ruff!

[All "ruffing"]

Now let's go win that
Battle of the Bands!

That's not for four hours.

Then let's sit still
and shut down our minds.

♪♪

Midnight snack attack!

Raiding the fridge for midnight snacks!

'Cause it's midnight

and now is when we
have the snack attacks!

Wait a second.
Where's Steve's root beer?!

- John!
- Yes?

John Michael,
did you replace Steve's root beer

with these shepherd's
pie protein shakes?

I did! Got to bulk up!

Sweater vest season's
just around the corner.

- [Screams]
- [Thud]

[Sobbing]

It's okay. We miss Steve, too.

It's so hard to accept
that I miss my son.

[All cheering]

Girl: Nice shoes!

This next act is horrible,
and if they don't win,

their lead singer will be expelled.

So now let's all not give it
up for Stevie and the Banshees!

♪♪

♪ We're three cool chicks
and a boy with a dick ♪

♪ Pendlingtonton ♪

♪ A place for friends ♪

♪ Until the end ♪

♪ This is a spin-off ♪

♪♪

That's right. We'll always be friends.

- Let's rock, Pendlingtonton!
- [Cheers and applause]

♪♪

[Guitar solo]

[All cheering]

♪♪

- [Keytar solo]
- [All cheering]

They love us!

No, Steve! They love the big dog.

- This'll show my dad!
- For sure.

Too bad you'll never see him again.

Totally! Wait, what?

You're in a spin-off.

If the spin-off works,
you can never go home.

Odds are they're already replacing you.

What?! Roger, I don't wanna
never see my family again!

Oh, then you cannot win this contest.

If you do, the spin-off
will be a success

and you'll be here forever!

Then we have to lose!

Okay, but you'll be giving
up being the big dog forever!

Who cares?! I want my family!

All right, let's lose this bitch!

By the way, we've been soloing
for, like, forever.

- [Both play sour notes]
- [Feedback]

[Sour notes continue]

[Thudding, clanging]

[Both blowing raspberries]

Enough! I have heard enough...

to declare you the winner
of the Battle of the Bands!

- [Audience cheering]
- Yes!

What the...

Of course!

You're the star of the spin-off.
You have to win.

That's probably why there
were no other bands.

I have your medal, Steve.

Steve, we'll be trapped here forever

if that thing hits your
beautiful pink chest!

Run!

- [Cheering continues]
- Get him!

Put in on your shoulders and celebrate

our new beloved student!

♪♪

Steve, you can hide in here.

I'm the laid-back history teacher

who's taken a special
interest in the new kid.

- And that's you!
- It's a trap!

He's a storyline!

I could've been a father figure to you!

We have to ignore everyone.

They're all trying to
keep us in the spin-off!

Steve, will you go to prom with me?

Well, my dance card is wide o...

- No, Steve!
- But she's cute!

She won't be cute when it turns out

she was just inviting
you to make her boyfriend

at the boys academy jealous!

Storylines!

[All panting]

Hola, Steve!

I am the new foreign exchange student.

In less than three years,
this performance

will be considered offensive!

♪♪

It's locked! We're trapped!

Steve, it's me, talented hockey player

and tentative actor Wayne Gretzky!

I'm here to teach you
an eye-opening lesson

about cyber bullying
through the power of song!

Celebrity guest star. Storyline!

Hey, guys, I found the answer key

to tomorrow's ethics
test in the garbage.

I don't know what to do!

Storyline! The teacher wanted
you to find the answers.

That is the test.

Geez, this spin-off has lazy writing.

Headmistress Mahoney:
Take your medal, Steve!

Aaaaah! These doors are so flimsy!

Wait, flimsy sets.

Lazy writing.

A Canadian flag. I knew it!

Great news, Steve.
We're shooting in Vancouver.

That means this show
was shot on the cheap.

All we have to do to ruin
it is go over budget.

How the hell do we do that?!

Sing The Beatles.

It can cost as much as $5 million

to sing just two notes
of a Beatles song on air.

All you need to do is pick one.

Oh, man.

I mean, I'm usually
more of a Monkees guy...

- What?!
- Take your medal, Steve!

- "Hey Jude"!
- Both: ♪ Hey ♪

[Tires screech]

No Beatles ever!

[Tires squeal]

[Sobbing]

Oh. [Sniffles]

Hey, Steve.

Were you, like, gone or something?

Are you crying?

You wish, little pup.

Mm!

I missed you, too, Dad.

Now, let's go dig for dinosaur
bones in the backyard.

Tuttle said he found a
T-Rex's arm under his gazebo.

Hey, don't tell Steve, but I scissored

the headmistress at
the school we went to.

Cool, right?

Pretty cool, I guess.

And now, the world premiere trailer

of this fall's funniest new show

"Top of the Spitz".

Woman: ♪ Her roommate Steve
masturbated himself to death ♪

♪ So Carla moved in and
changed her name to Beth ♪

♪ Now sheeee's ♪

♪ Top of the Spitz! ♪

This fall on whatever channel
you're currently watching.

Bye-bye! See you soon!