American Dad! (2005–…): Season 13, Episode 18 - Twinanigans - full transcript
Steve and Roger restart their career as a twin brother acting duo. The family becomes addicted to a novelty gift shop.
Finally, I'm invited
to Steve and Roger's
Stews and Views Night...
Delicious stews and gut-bustin'
Internet videos.
People said threatening
suicide on Facebook Live
was over the line, but I made it,
and I don't care how I got here.
Whatever. The stews are a-stewin'.
Let's get the videos a-downlewdin'!
"Newscaster bloopers."
Hey, how about this one?
What really happened here at
South Lanceton High School
that led to Billy Carson's death...
The [bleep] is this?!
I'm dying in this country-ass town!
Shit flying in my mouth!
We need to get the [bleep]
out of this country [bleep]
_
Dad, are you gonna
move back in with Mom?
Gadzooks! Is that Steve?
Sorry, son. No can do.
But what I can do is
get an 18-inch pizza
for the price of a 12!
All right!
Is that Roger playing the same kid?
You can tell us apart. Impressive.
I love coming here every other weekend!
It's way more fun than the places I go
with Mom and Tony.
Tony?! My business partner?!
♪ At Pizza Overlord ♪
♪ We've been makin'
pizza for years and years ♪
Gadzooks! Were you two...
Twin child actors? Yes.
Was it not obvious from the video?
If this clown eats stews
as bad as he views,
we've made a grave mistake.
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
♪ I got a feelin'
that it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪
♪ The sun in the sky has
a smile on his face ♪
♪ And he's shinin'
a salute to the American race ♪
♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪
- ♪ Good... ♪
- ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
Aah!
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
I never knew you guys
were twin child actors.
Yes. We were.
Here we go.
Like all Hollywood fairy tales,
this one begins at the mall food court.
And like all meals at
the mall food court,
it ends in a messy pile of shit.
Franny used to dress us as brothers,
because Twice Cream offers free
ice cream to pairs of twins.
Triplets get nothing,
unless one of them waits outside
while the other two go in.
I saw that once.
Reported it immediately.
Got a free cone.
Anyway, we were spotted
by a local casting agent.
Soon, we were snagging more roles
than a poor family at a Golden Corral.
That's good.
It was like we were real brothers.
Getting into twin antics on set,
or as we called them, "twinanigans."
We were a dynamite tandem.
Steve could cry on cue,
and I could eat on cue!
Eventually, we were approached
by Hollywood agents
from the Twinseltown Talent Agency.
Yep, we were gonna be big.
As big as Matt and John Amendola,
who are not famous but just
these two really cool guys
I went to high school with
and I-I sort of use them
as the standard for what I
hope to achieve in my life.
But then, Grammy legend
Quit-sey Jones over here
- pulled the plug!
- I was 5, Roger!
I had to start kindergarten!
You boned us, Steve.
We'll never know how
far we could've gone!
We could've been on the cover
of Double-Stuffed Magazine,
the only magazine
dedicated solely to twins,
double-penetration, and Oreos!
It's important to go on walks.
So my body doesn't forget how.
I like when cars drive by too fast,
so I can grab my crotch and yell,
"Slow down, ya jagoff!
We got friggin' kids here!"
Running messes up my knee.
Walking is less stressful on my body.
Oh, my God! I'm so, so sorry!
But I'm in a terrible hurry!
Here, take my credit card.
Pay for whatever you need!
- We should call the police.
- Hang on, girlie.
We've got a blank check here... Damn it!
It's a credit card for Spencer's Gifts.
So, we can only use it at that
novelty store at the mall?
"Where membership has its bene-farts"?
And it also says that memberships
are non-trans-fartable.
There's actually a lot
of fine print here,
and it's all pretty good fart jokes.
♪ Years and years ♪
♪ Years and years ♪
Are you still upset
about our acting career?
Our acting career. Yes.
That you ruined!
You stripped me of super-stardom!
I should be walking on the red carpet,
not sitting on the couch
in this funny position!
You're never gonna let this go, are you?
What's up, playas?
Wanted to invite you to
Klaus's new signature night,
Soups and Hoops.
How am I supposed
to get over this, Steve?
Oh, God. Soups and Hoops?
Okay, what are the hoops?
Basketball? Hula?
Well, that's the fun part.
I haven't decided yet.
Roger, that was so long ago.
W-What can I do?
A-A-And I'm sorry.
You haven't decided yet?
Why are you even here?
I should be a has-been by now!
People should be like, "Oh, look!
It's the guy from that thing.
He got fat."
It sounds so magical!
This better be some piñata, Steve.
Surprise! Look familiar?
Nope, never been here in my...
The booth we shot our commercial in?
My most treasured memory!
You were never gonna stop
harping on this acting thing
until you got some closure.
I actually thought I'd been
pretty cool about it.
So... I called Twinseltown Talent.
And they still want to represent us!
And I do have summer break coming up.
Steve, what are you doing?
Two tickets to L.A.
What do you say, "brother"?
Want to give our acting career
the shot it never got?
Oh, my God! Yes, Steve, yes!
The Smith brothers
are going to Hollywood!
We can't miss our connection to Boise!
Two layovers? How cheap are you?
We'll make it! Because the Smith
brothers are going to Ho...
You brought your passport, right?
We have a stop in Vancouver.
Sweet pad. Thanks for setting it up.
We're just thrilled to have
you boys at Twinseltown Talent.
Greggy and I are also twins,
so we totally get where
you're coming from.
You guys... are twins?
Yep, except I snaked most of
my bro's nutrients in the womb.
Gimme those nutrients!
Open up that skull and
gimme those nutrients!
I'm just kiddin'. I love this guy.
Okay, boys, let's get you some...
Is he...
Head shots!
Okay, Steve, come try this on.
You know which one of us is Steve,
but can you tell... after this?
- I'm Steve.
- No, I'm Steve!
- No, you're Steve!
- No, you're Steve!
Ugh, do you have to do this
after every outfit change?
- Twin it to win it!
- Twin it to win it!
Good news, boys.
We just got you your first
Hollywood commercial!
- Yeah!
- Yay!
But where's Greggy?
If I know my Greggy...
he's either getting trim,
looking for trim,
or having experimental surgery
to stabilize his central nervous system.
I can't believe we get to
spend that fool's money,
but it has to be at this dump.
This place is for losers.
Hey, guys! You shop here, too?
Ugh. Look at all this junk.
What are you talking about?
♪ Who... can take some pasta ♪
♪ Shape it like a dick? ♪
♪ Make a fake poo that
is perfect for a trick? ♪
♪ Spencer's Gifts, Spencer's Gifts can ♪
♪ Who can make a fart sound ♪
♪ When no one needs to fart? ♪
♪ Marijuana clothing,
this is where you need to start ♪
At?
Sp-Spencer's Gifts?
♪ Spencer's Gifts can
'cause they stock their gags ♪
♪ With love ♪
♪ And the lube ♪
♪ Tastes goo-o-o-o-d ♪
Ha-cha!
Cedar plank salmon again?
Bo-ring!
I want something more extreme!
Like what?
Like Slammin' Canned Salmon,
ya kooky broad!
Choose from three radical mouth feels...
solid, liquid,
and b-b-boney as hell!
Cut!
Beautiful, Steve.
But you've worked your max hours.
Let's sub in the twin!
- Twin it to win it!
- Twin it to win it!
Okay, last shot. All you have to do
is take a bite and say,
"This salmon is slammin'!"
You got it, dude.
And...
action!
Dis sammon mis smamon!
Cut!
You need to actually swallow the salmon.
Right, right. Cool note.
And...
action!
This... salmon...
is... slammin'.
Cut! You keep standing up
during your lines.
Did I... No. Really?
This... salmon...
is...
Nobody wants to marry
a poor farmer's daughter.
Honk, honk.
This salmon is...
- slambin'?
- Cut!
Close enough!
Great job, guys.
You crushed it.
Hollywood's buzzin', and guess what?
They're remaking "The Parent Trap,"
and I got you an audition.
They're calling it... "Boy Bait."
- "Boy Bait"! "Boy Bait"!
- "Boy Bait"! "Boy Bait"!
I think the salmon
mascot is Tilda Swinton.
Do you think she could carve
out a little time to give me...
a chance to give her
some acting pointers?
"Hey, I know! Let's switch places!
"I'll go to Beverly Hills
and live with your mom.
"And you go to Detroit to
help my dad trap pigeons
"and struggle with his PTSD!
"It's the perfect swap.
Whaddya say?"
"That slammin' is salmon!"
Well, I think we just found
our Shawn and D'Shawn McIntyre!
Yay! You will not regret this.
Now, just a little scheduling thing...
Next Wednesday,
I'm going to Australia for two months.
Oh, sorry, you misunderstood.
We only want to cast Steve.
But... the roles are for two boys.
Yeah, we'll just do special effects,
use Steve for both parts.
That's an amazing opportunity, but...
But I know I speak for
both of us when I say
Steve is nothing without me. Half a man.
- Roger, I-I was turning...
- He's pimply,
he lies about actually liking lasagna,
and his voice is all,
"Hey, can I have
the key to your restroom?"
What the hell, Roger?
You guilt trip me for years
about ruining your career,
and when I get my chance,
you flip out and bash me?
- Yeah?
- Sir, I'll take the parts!
If you do this, Steve,
then know the Smith brothers are over!
Big deal! You're a terrible actor!
The only thing they ever
use you for is the eating!
How dare you!
Excuse me, sir,
will there be any eating in this film?
- No.
- Screw you, Steve!
I'm a superstar!
In fact, this town ain't big
enough for the both of us!
This town is huge.
I don't recognize anything.
Where the hell am I?
Honey, I'm home!
Tonight, we'll be having an
edible-underwear summer salad,
paired with dick-shaped pasta al dente.
Today, I put another great
bumper sticker on my car...
"My other ride is your mom."
So tight.
Everyone, raise your boob mugs.
Someone recently asked
me if I was happy.
And, for the first time in my life,
I could honestly say,
"Thanks to Spencer's Gifts, yes,
yes, I am!"
Okay, you're a caterer,
but just for today.
You're gonna serve these
Hollywood elites some appetizers
and knock their socks off.
Time to become just as famous as Steve.
I'm a star.
I'm a star.
I'm a big, bright, shining star.
So, what do you do?
I'm, uh... I'm a director.
Oh, you're gonna want some napkins.
They're my head shot!
Hey, everyone,
the trailer for my new movie's on TV!
- Twin it to win it!
- Twin it to win it!
That was our catchphrase.
Look at me, all riled up.
Need something to calm my nerves.
I've got eyes on the narcotics.
Everyone, freeze! D.E.A.!
I-I'm innocent! I'm so innocent,
I could jog to San Diego!
No! My...
Claritin!
Mr. Smith, we caught you with
several kilos of cocaine.
Fortunately for you,
we got our eye on someone bigger...
"Nose Candy" Andy Benedict,
the biggest coke dealer in Los Angeles.
Well, if cocaine's illegal,
then you better lock me...
Oh, wait, I remember how I got here.
Listen, we'll drop your charges...
if you engage
in a sting to bust Benedict.
You play the part, we let you go.
Play the part?
Yeah, I can do that. I'll act my ass off
and prove I'm just as
good an actor as Steve.
To be clear,
this is extremely dangerous.
If you think that's dangerous, try...
escaping from police headquarters!
All right. I'll do it.
- Roger?
- Well, well, well.
Look who came crawling right back
when my career started blowing up.
You called me to come here.
What is all this?
I'm playing the lead
in a dangerous sting.
And I have you to thank, Steve.
If you hadn't ditched your own brother,
I wouldn't have found my real family...
These D.E.A. agents,
Mark and...
I want to say L'Kevin.
Sting? D.E.A.?
Th-This doesn't sound
like a good idea, Roger.
Time to go. Benedict's expecting us
at the abandoned amusement park.
Goodbye, Steven.
I'm off to become famous.
Soon, I'll be the one
stuffing my liberal agenda
down real Americans' throats.
Has anyone seen Roger or Steve?
I think they're at Space Camp
or Rite Aid or something.
You monsters!
I'm 9 grand in debt!
This has all gotta get returned, now!
No can do, bud.
We used the hell out of everything.
Oh, my God.
I'm... ruined!
I'm gonna lose it all.
My house. My car.
My car's house...
which is the fun,
little way I refer to my garage.
I'm just gonna kill myself!
Life's not so bad, mister.
So shines a good deed in a weary world.
I'm the Spencer of Spencer's Gifts.
I've been running people over for years
to see who would pass my test.
You're the first family who did.
Oh, my God!
Are we inheriting your novelty empire?
No.
Wait.
Places! Steve,
you're pouring your heart
out to your brother.
Meryl Streep, Ludacris,
you're very proud of your son.
Action!
We had quite a summer.
We tricked some grown-ups,
solved that triple homicide.
But you know what the best part was?
Hanging with you, D'Shawn.
We spent our whole summer
trying to get our parents back together,
but I finally realize...
parents come and go,
but twins are forever.
Is that true?
Psst, I had a few ideas about
my character's back story.
Don't talk into your mike!
It's very conspicuous.
- You him?
- If by "him,"
you mean a lowly delivery guy
born in Pensacola, Florida,
doing this for his quadriplegic son
who talks in a Pittsburgh
accent like this...
"Hey, Dyad, yinz guys
need to stop jaggin' arahnd."
Uh...
just show us the merchandise.
Did... Did you have a mustache?
What? Too butch? Too "Super Mario"?
Good call. Let's lose it.
Boss, I don't know about this.
You're right.
This scene is totally not working.
Am I giving too much?
Are you not giving enough?
Is it too late to introduce a limp?
All great questions. I'm gonna take 10,
then we'll hit it hard.
The limp feels all right!
Roger, what are you doing?
Proving I'm just as
good an actor as you.
And I know exactly what
this scene's missing...
sex appeal!
He's wearing a wire!
I'm nervous they saw the mike.
We got to pull him out!
Not yet.
He's got this.
How do we get out of this?
With twinanigans.
Hey, henchman, I'm over here!
Or am I over here?
How'd he get over...
- Twin it to win it!
- Twin it to win it!
It appears you're seeing double.
Double trouble.
Hey, we're up here!
-Twin it to...
-Twin it to...
We're out of twinanigans. What now?
We use our God-given talents.
Look, before you kill us,
I just want to say...
I love my brother.
You can shoot me,
and you can shoot him.
But brotherhood?
That bond is bulletproof.
That's... beautif...
Now, Roger! Use your talent!
Eat stuff!
So, was that speech from "Boy Bait"?
No, Roger, it was from the heart.
Well, actually, the first part was from
"Boondock Saints."
Ah, that movie's bad ass.
Oh, and how 'bout "Rounders"?
So bad ass!
I can't believe you put
yourself in danger
just to help your career.
It was never about the career.
When we stopped acting,
you got your own life,
and we stopped being brothers.
I didn't want to lose that again.
Roger, just because
we stopped being fake twins
doesn't mean we aren't
still real fake brothers.
N-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o!
Roger!
Tell you what, Steve.
I think I'm done with acting.
In fact, you could say I don't
have the stomach for it anymore.
Ow! Ohh.
So, bro, you gonna miss show biz?
Eh, acting was always temporary for me.
You know I have my heart
set on pharmaceutical sales.
Aah, a huge rat!
Oh, it's just an old T-shirt.
Grab that for me, Steve.
Bye-bye. See you soon!
to Steve and Roger's
Stews and Views Night...
Delicious stews and gut-bustin'
Internet videos.
People said threatening
suicide on Facebook Live
was over the line, but I made it,
and I don't care how I got here.
Whatever. The stews are a-stewin'.
Let's get the videos a-downlewdin'!
"Newscaster bloopers."
Hey, how about this one?
What really happened here at
South Lanceton High School
that led to Billy Carson's death...
The [bleep] is this?!
I'm dying in this country-ass town!
Shit flying in my mouth!
We need to get the [bleep]
out of this country [bleep]
_
Dad, are you gonna
move back in with Mom?
Gadzooks! Is that Steve?
Sorry, son. No can do.
But what I can do is
get an 18-inch pizza
for the price of a 12!
All right!
Is that Roger playing the same kid?
You can tell us apart. Impressive.
I love coming here every other weekend!
It's way more fun than the places I go
with Mom and Tony.
Tony?! My business partner?!
♪ At Pizza Overlord ♪
♪ We've been makin'
pizza for years and years ♪
Gadzooks! Were you two...
Twin child actors? Yes.
Was it not obvious from the video?
If this clown eats stews
as bad as he views,
we've made a grave mistake.
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
♪ I got a feelin'
that it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪
♪ The sun in the sky has
a smile on his face ♪
♪ And he's shinin'
a salute to the American race ♪
♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪
- ♪ Good... ♪
- ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
Aah!
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
I never knew you guys
were twin child actors.
Yes. We were.
Here we go.
Like all Hollywood fairy tales,
this one begins at the mall food court.
And like all meals at
the mall food court,
it ends in a messy pile of shit.
Franny used to dress us as brothers,
because Twice Cream offers free
ice cream to pairs of twins.
Triplets get nothing,
unless one of them waits outside
while the other two go in.
I saw that once.
Reported it immediately.
Got a free cone.
Anyway, we were spotted
by a local casting agent.
Soon, we were snagging more roles
than a poor family at a Golden Corral.
That's good.
It was like we were real brothers.
Getting into twin antics on set,
or as we called them, "twinanigans."
We were a dynamite tandem.
Steve could cry on cue,
and I could eat on cue!
Eventually, we were approached
by Hollywood agents
from the Twinseltown Talent Agency.
Yep, we were gonna be big.
As big as Matt and John Amendola,
who are not famous but just
these two really cool guys
I went to high school with
and I-I sort of use them
as the standard for what I
hope to achieve in my life.
But then, Grammy legend
Quit-sey Jones over here
- pulled the plug!
- I was 5, Roger!
I had to start kindergarten!
You boned us, Steve.
We'll never know how
far we could've gone!
We could've been on the cover
of Double-Stuffed Magazine,
the only magazine
dedicated solely to twins,
double-penetration, and Oreos!
It's important to go on walks.
So my body doesn't forget how.
I like when cars drive by too fast,
so I can grab my crotch and yell,
"Slow down, ya jagoff!
We got friggin' kids here!"
Running messes up my knee.
Walking is less stressful on my body.
Oh, my God! I'm so, so sorry!
But I'm in a terrible hurry!
Here, take my credit card.
Pay for whatever you need!
- We should call the police.
- Hang on, girlie.
We've got a blank check here... Damn it!
It's a credit card for Spencer's Gifts.
So, we can only use it at that
novelty store at the mall?
"Where membership has its bene-farts"?
And it also says that memberships
are non-trans-fartable.
There's actually a lot
of fine print here,
and it's all pretty good fart jokes.
♪ Years and years ♪
♪ Years and years ♪
Are you still upset
about our acting career?
Our acting career. Yes.
That you ruined!
You stripped me of super-stardom!
I should be walking on the red carpet,
not sitting on the couch
in this funny position!
You're never gonna let this go, are you?
What's up, playas?
Wanted to invite you to
Klaus's new signature night,
Soups and Hoops.
How am I supposed
to get over this, Steve?
Oh, God. Soups and Hoops?
Okay, what are the hoops?
Basketball? Hula?
Well, that's the fun part.
I haven't decided yet.
Roger, that was so long ago.
W-What can I do?
A-A-And I'm sorry.
You haven't decided yet?
Why are you even here?
I should be a has-been by now!
People should be like, "Oh, look!
It's the guy from that thing.
He got fat."
It sounds so magical!
This better be some piñata, Steve.
Surprise! Look familiar?
Nope, never been here in my...
The booth we shot our commercial in?
My most treasured memory!
You were never gonna stop
harping on this acting thing
until you got some closure.
I actually thought I'd been
pretty cool about it.
So... I called Twinseltown Talent.
And they still want to represent us!
And I do have summer break coming up.
Steve, what are you doing?
Two tickets to L.A.
What do you say, "brother"?
Want to give our acting career
the shot it never got?
Oh, my God! Yes, Steve, yes!
The Smith brothers
are going to Hollywood!
We can't miss our connection to Boise!
Two layovers? How cheap are you?
We'll make it! Because the Smith
brothers are going to Ho...
You brought your passport, right?
We have a stop in Vancouver.
Sweet pad. Thanks for setting it up.
We're just thrilled to have
you boys at Twinseltown Talent.
Greggy and I are also twins,
so we totally get where
you're coming from.
You guys... are twins?
Yep, except I snaked most of
my bro's nutrients in the womb.
Gimme those nutrients!
Open up that skull and
gimme those nutrients!
I'm just kiddin'. I love this guy.
Okay, boys, let's get you some...
Is he...
Head shots!
Okay, Steve, come try this on.
You know which one of us is Steve,
but can you tell... after this?
- I'm Steve.
- No, I'm Steve!
- No, you're Steve!
- No, you're Steve!
Ugh, do you have to do this
after every outfit change?
- Twin it to win it!
- Twin it to win it!
Good news, boys.
We just got you your first
Hollywood commercial!
- Yeah!
- Yay!
But where's Greggy?
If I know my Greggy...
he's either getting trim,
looking for trim,
or having experimental surgery
to stabilize his central nervous system.
I can't believe we get to
spend that fool's money,
but it has to be at this dump.
This place is for losers.
Hey, guys! You shop here, too?
Ugh. Look at all this junk.
What are you talking about?
♪ Who... can take some pasta ♪
♪ Shape it like a dick? ♪
♪ Make a fake poo that
is perfect for a trick? ♪
♪ Spencer's Gifts, Spencer's Gifts can ♪
♪ Who can make a fart sound ♪
♪ When no one needs to fart? ♪
♪ Marijuana clothing,
this is where you need to start ♪
At?
Sp-Spencer's Gifts?
♪ Spencer's Gifts can
'cause they stock their gags ♪
♪ With love ♪
♪ And the lube ♪
♪ Tastes goo-o-o-o-d ♪
Ha-cha!
Cedar plank salmon again?
Bo-ring!
I want something more extreme!
Like what?
Like Slammin' Canned Salmon,
ya kooky broad!
Choose from three radical mouth feels...
solid, liquid,
and b-b-boney as hell!
Cut!
Beautiful, Steve.
But you've worked your max hours.
Let's sub in the twin!
- Twin it to win it!
- Twin it to win it!
Okay, last shot. All you have to do
is take a bite and say,
"This salmon is slammin'!"
You got it, dude.
And...
action!
Dis sammon mis smamon!
Cut!
You need to actually swallow the salmon.
Right, right. Cool note.
And...
action!
This... salmon...
is... slammin'.
Cut! You keep standing up
during your lines.
Did I... No. Really?
This... salmon...
is...
Nobody wants to marry
a poor farmer's daughter.
Honk, honk.
This salmon is...
- slambin'?
- Cut!
Close enough!
Great job, guys.
You crushed it.
Hollywood's buzzin', and guess what?
They're remaking "The Parent Trap,"
and I got you an audition.
They're calling it... "Boy Bait."
- "Boy Bait"! "Boy Bait"!
- "Boy Bait"! "Boy Bait"!
I think the salmon
mascot is Tilda Swinton.
Do you think she could carve
out a little time to give me...
a chance to give her
some acting pointers?
"Hey, I know! Let's switch places!
"I'll go to Beverly Hills
and live with your mom.
"And you go to Detroit to
help my dad trap pigeons
"and struggle with his PTSD!
"It's the perfect swap.
Whaddya say?"
"That slammin' is salmon!"
Well, I think we just found
our Shawn and D'Shawn McIntyre!
Yay! You will not regret this.
Now, just a little scheduling thing...
Next Wednesday,
I'm going to Australia for two months.
Oh, sorry, you misunderstood.
We only want to cast Steve.
But... the roles are for two boys.
Yeah, we'll just do special effects,
use Steve for both parts.
That's an amazing opportunity, but...
But I know I speak for
both of us when I say
Steve is nothing without me. Half a man.
- Roger, I-I was turning...
- He's pimply,
he lies about actually liking lasagna,
and his voice is all,
"Hey, can I have
the key to your restroom?"
What the hell, Roger?
You guilt trip me for years
about ruining your career,
and when I get my chance,
you flip out and bash me?
- Yeah?
- Sir, I'll take the parts!
If you do this, Steve,
then know the Smith brothers are over!
Big deal! You're a terrible actor!
The only thing they ever
use you for is the eating!
How dare you!
Excuse me, sir,
will there be any eating in this film?
- No.
- Screw you, Steve!
I'm a superstar!
In fact, this town ain't big
enough for the both of us!
This town is huge.
I don't recognize anything.
Where the hell am I?
Honey, I'm home!
Tonight, we'll be having an
edible-underwear summer salad,
paired with dick-shaped pasta al dente.
Today, I put another great
bumper sticker on my car...
"My other ride is your mom."
So tight.
Everyone, raise your boob mugs.
Someone recently asked
me if I was happy.
And, for the first time in my life,
I could honestly say,
"Thanks to Spencer's Gifts, yes,
yes, I am!"
Okay, you're a caterer,
but just for today.
You're gonna serve these
Hollywood elites some appetizers
and knock their socks off.
Time to become just as famous as Steve.
I'm a star.
I'm a star.
I'm a big, bright, shining star.
So, what do you do?
I'm, uh... I'm a director.
Oh, you're gonna want some napkins.
They're my head shot!
Hey, everyone,
the trailer for my new movie's on TV!
- Twin it to win it!
- Twin it to win it!
That was our catchphrase.
Look at me, all riled up.
Need something to calm my nerves.
I've got eyes on the narcotics.
Everyone, freeze! D.E.A.!
I-I'm innocent! I'm so innocent,
I could jog to San Diego!
No! My...
Claritin!
Mr. Smith, we caught you with
several kilos of cocaine.
Fortunately for you,
we got our eye on someone bigger...
"Nose Candy" Andy Benedict,
the biggest coke dealer in Los Angeles.
Well, if cocaine's illegal,
then you better lock me...
Oh, wait, I remember how I got here.
Listen, we'll drop your charges...
if you engage
in a sting to bust Benedict.
You play the part, we let you go.
Play the part?
Yeah, I can do that. I'll act my ass off
and prove I'm just as
good an actor as Steve.
To be clear,
this is extremely dangerous.
If you think that's dangerous, try...
escaping from police headquarters!
All right. I'll do it.
- Roger?
- Well, well, well.
Look who came crawling right back
when my career started blowing up.
You called me to come here.
What is all this?
I'm playing the lead
in a dangerous sting.
And I have you to thank, Steve.
If you hadn't ditched your own brother,
I wouldn't have found my real family...
These D.E.A. agents,
Mark and...
I want to say L'Kevin.
Sting? D.E.A.?
Th-This doesn't sound
like a good idea, Roger.
Time to go. Benedict's expecting us
at the abandoned amusement park.
Goodbye, Steven.
I'm off to become famous.
Soon, I'll be the one
stuffing my liberal agenda
down real Americans' throats.
Has anyone seen Roger or Steve?
I think they're at Space Camp
or Rite Aid or something.
You monsters!
I'm 9 grand in debt!
This has all gotta get returned, now!
No can do, bud.
We used the hell out of everything.
Oh, my God.
I'm... ruined!
I'm gonna lose it all.
My house. My car.
My car's house...
which is the fun,
little way I refer to my garage.
I'm just gonna kill myself!
Life's not so bad, mister.
So shines a good deed in a weary world.
I'm the Spencer of Spencer's Gifts.
I've been running people over for years
to see who would pass my test.
You're the first family who did.
Oh, my God!
Are we inheriting your novelty empire?
No.
Wait.
Places! Steve,
you're pouring your heart
out to your brother.
Meryl Streep, Ludacris,
you're very proud of your son.
Action!
We had quite a summer.
We tricked some grown-ups,
solved that triple homicide.
But you know what the best part was?
Hanging with you, D'Shawn.
We spent our whole summer
trying to get our parents back together,
but I finally realize...
parents come and go,
but twins are forever.
Is that true?
Psst, I had a few ideas about
my character's back story.
Don't talk into your mike!
It's very conspicuous.
- You him?
- If by "him,"
you mean a lowly delivery guy
born in Pensacola, Florida,
doing this for his quadriplegic son
who talks in a Pittsburgh
accent like this...
"Hey, Dyad, yinz guys
need to stop jaggin' arahnd."
Uh...
just show us the merchandise.
Did... Did you have a mustache?
What? Too butch? Too "Super Mario"?
Good call. Let's lose it.
Boss, I don't know about this.
You're right.
This scene is totally not working.
Am I giving too much?
Are you not giving enough?
Is it too late to introduce a limp?
All great questions. I'm gonna take 10,
then we'll hit it hard.
The limp feels all right!
Roger, what are you doing?
Proving I'm just as
good an actor as you.
And I know exactly what
this scene's missing...
sex appeal!
He's wearing a wire!
I'm nervous they saw the mike.
We got to pull him out!
Not yet.
He's got this.
How do we get out of this?
With twinanigans.
Hey, henchman, I'm over here!
Or am I over here?
How'd he get over...
- Twin it to win it!
- Twin it to win it!
It appears you're seeing double.
Double trouble.
Hey, we're up here!
-Twin it to...
-Twin it to...
We're out of twinanigans. What now?
We use our God-given talents.
Look, before you kill us,
I just want to say...
I love my brother.
You can shoot me,
and you can shoot him.
But brotherhood?
That bond is bulletproof.
That's... beautif...
Now, Roger! Use your talent!
Eat stuff!
So, was that speech from "Boy Bait"?
No, Roger, it was from the heart.
Well, actually, the first part was from
"Boondock Saints."
Ah, that movie's bad ass.
Oh, and how 'bout "Rounders"?
So bad ass!
I can't believe you put
yourself in danger
just to help your career.
It was never about the career.
When we stopped acting,
you got your own life,
and we stopped being brothers.
I didn't want to lose that again.
Roger, just because
we stopped being fake twins
doesn't mean we aren't
still real fake brothers.
N-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o!
Roger!
Tell you what, Steve.
I think I'm done with acting.
In fact, you could say I don't
have the stomach for it anymore.
Ow! Ohh.
So, bro, you gonna miss show biz?
Eh, acting was always temporary for me.
You know I have my heart
set on pharmaceutical sales.
Aah, a huge rat!
Oh, it's just an old T-shirt.
Grab that for me, Steve.
Bye-bye. See you soon!