American Dad! (2005–…): Season 12, Episode 7 - Ninety North, Zero West - full transcript

We found the first stone.

Bring it to me.

I'm so close.

Ho ho ho ho! [Laughs evilly]

Oh! Oh, no, I can't look!

Did I break it? I feel like I broke it!

Seems fine.

Whew! That was a close one!

Now where was I?

Oh, yes.

[Cackles] Oops!



♪ Silent Night ♪

♪ Holy Night ♪

♪ All is calm ♪

♪ All is bright ♪

♪ Round young virgin ♪

♪ Mother and child ♪

[Record needle scratches]

Impeccable work on
the dummies, Francine.

I never realized how my hair is exactly

like the bristles of a push broom.

Yeah, I just see these things.

I don't know. I make connections.

Everyone into your cryo-sleep pods.

Are we really gonna skip Christmas?



Well, it is the time of year
that Santa tries to kill us.

Yeah, remember when he came
at us with that elf army?

Don't forget, he also murdered Grandpa,

and now Grandpa is Krampus.

And if it's not Santa,
it's something else.

No one even's mentioning the
time I wished you all away

- and got a better family
- What?

- Huh?
- Sorry, what?

But there's been good times, too.

We all love the Christmas
Village in Chimdale.

- We get the tree, ride the little train.
- I hate that place.

All those creeps on Grindr
just prowling the tree farm.

Sickening. And they always do you

up against some shabby Douglas Fir.

Finding pine needles
for weeks, good Lord.

So we're just giving up on Christmas?

Christmas sucks, Steve. Let it go.

All right, if everything
goes according to plan,

we'll wake up on the 26th,

but if that awful Santa shows up,

as soon as he lays a hand
on those decoy dummies,

our pods will shoot safely
into the sewer system.

From there, Roger?

Sewers to Potomac to
ocean, and then the currents

will take us straight
to Jimmy Buffett's yacht.

From there, it's nothing but margaritas

and old tan-lined tits.

[Beep, whir]

Gotta put your arms down, son.

God! He's overpowering me!

Stan, it's the dummy.

Wow! You even nailed
the texture of his skin.

Is this pizza?

No. No, it's not.

He's not here, either.

That means he's outside!

On Christmas Eve!

We have to find him.

Ooh, his browser history
shows he bought at ticket

to the Chimdale Polar Traintown
Christmas Village off Route 2.

He's at the Christmas
Village. Of course.

He also searched for "Muscle lady sexy,"

"Strong female looks
at camera bench press,"

"Naked woman kettle bell rain."

Wow, what a pervert, right?

Klaus, we know you use Steve's computer.

Let's leave Jeff in the pod.

We'll be right back,
and he'll be safer there.

Good thinking, Haley!
Surf's up, Jeff-er-ee! Hi-ya!

[Whoosh]

[Brakes squeal]

There he is!

Now I don't like to say "Xmas"...

but I love to write it.

[Train whistle blows]

We gotta get back to the pods!

Where's that train going?!

It just goes around the farm
in a little loop. [Chuckles]

All our kids are on it.
Ooh, bad news, though.

You missed the conductor
handing out free candy canes.

You ever have one of these babies?

The flavor, it's...

how do I put it into words?

Oh! You know those starlight
mints you get at restaurants?

It's like of those really
got a chance to stretch its legs.

Are you explaining a candy cane to me?

Let him speak.

[Train whistle blows]

Excuse me. When does
the other train get back?

This is the only train.

But I just saw a train
pull out full of kids!

Sir, are you proposing
there's another train?

A "magic train" that... that
comes around when I'm not here?

I know you're being sarcastic,

but maybe that is
what's happening here.

It has to be. Ask one
of these other parents.

Their kids were on the train, too.

What? I don't have kids.

I've never had a child.

All: ♪ No ♪

- ♪ Kids ♪
- ♪ No kids ♪

[Tune of "No Scrubs"]
♪ No, I don't want no kids ♪

♪ A kid is a thing I don't have
or want to have ♪

This is so strange.

How can they have forgotten
their own children?

Do you think there might be
something in the candy canes?

[Gasps] Oh, my God! That's it!

Who licked my candy cane?

Why am I fish?

I'm back from whatever I
was doing. What'd I miss?

- Where the hell is Steve?!
- [Rustling]

I know what's happened to your son.

He's in danger.

Are you seriously trying
to talk to me right now?

Do you not understand how Grindr works?

We did what we came to do,
but now I'm with my family.

This is my real life.
You're way out of bounds.

Um, I think... I think you're
confusing me with someone else.

I was just saying that
your boy is in danger.

He's been taken to the North Pole.

♪

[Whistle blows]

Damn, Route 2 Traintown,

this is Rainforest
Cafe-caliber enchantment.

So you're telling me

that Steve has been abducted
and taken to the North Pole?

- Mm-hmm.
- Okay, who did this?

The North Pole... That's a clue.

Maybe those white bears
or those tuxedo birds.

The ones like...

- It was Santa Claus.
- I knew it!

For years, Santa has
been stealing children

from around the world,
using them to work

on some mysterious
project on the North Pole.

How do you know all this?

Because I was one of his elves

until he banished me.

He clipped my ears

and stretched my body.

- [Gags]
- My name's Puddin'!

Why were you banished?

Well, I didn't do anything wrong.

It's just like the culture
up there was really diseased,

and it was all just,
like, clique-y politics

and people were really
threatened by clear communication.

You were the problem.
He was the problem.

Let's not sit around and
listen to some fired elf.

We have to get to the
North Pole and rescue Steve!

You can't just get to the North Pole,

not without Christmas magic.

But you're in luck, because I've got it.

Does anyone else have it,

or can you transfer it to us somehow

without... touching us?

So... we're pretending this
is where Santa mines his coal

for the bad kids?

Oh, I like it. Light
cardio followed by cocoa?

Oh, no! This boy fainted!

He needs juice and maybe a sugar cookie.

And what the hell? I'll take one, too.

Oh, my God!

Steve Smith, what the
hell are you doing here?

Aah! Santa! W-why are you Chimdale?

This is the North Pole, ya stupid!

Ha! It'll take more than two elves to...

[Groaning]

[Sighs] Actually, two
seems like overkill.

[Chugging]

Getting this train to the North Pole's

gonna take a little trick.

Just do it, Puddin'.

[Clank]

[Chugging]

We'll be dashed to pieces!

Not with my Christmas magic, we won't!

The rocks are gonna open!
The season's rising up in me!

I believe! I believe in
the magic of Christmas.

♪ Fa-la-la! ♪

[Crash, debris falls]

Yeah, he didn't have
the Christmas magic.

For elves, it's in the
pointy part of the ears.

Read your bible, people.

We still need Christmas magic.

I think we all know where we have to go.

[Gunshots, woman screams]

How much longer do we have
to wait? It's scary here.

Bus 435. It'll be here any second.

[Imitates brakes squeal and hiss]

[Singsongy] Bus is here.

Any of you guys looking to smash?

I call shotgun.

[Creepy voice] The girl.

[Crash, door hisses]

Well, if it isn't my no-good
son and his deadbeat friends.

Hey, Dad.

When I told you I was
driving a bus in Baltimore,

it was so you'd be impressed,

not so you'd visit me unannounced.

We need to get to the
North Pole right away,

and we need your Christmas
magic to get there.

I'm done with that Krampus stuff.

Punishing kids at
Christmas? Too much stress.

I had to get away, grab
myself a slice of paradise.

In Baltimore?

Well, technically,
I'm living in Woodlawn,

but, yes, for an
out-of-towner, "Baltimore."

But you don't understand, Krampus.

Santa has kidnapped Steve!

Steve Harvey?! Santa's
gone too far this time!

No! Steve Smith, your grandson!

Fine.

[Click]

Hey! I was going to the wharf
to yell at the bucket drummers!

Tough! We're going to the North Pole.

Then I get to sleep on the bus!

This is not a hotel!

- [All scream]
- Oh, shut up.

Yay!

- [Eerie warping sound]
- Stan: Where are we?

We're nowhere.

We're on a channel
between time and space,

before and after all things.

Hey, you know, I was thinking,
we could call you "Grampus."

- That is my name.
- No, like with a "G," like...

Like Grandpa and Krampus...

Behind the line!

Everyone needs to stay behind the line!

[Wind howling]

[Speaking native language]

[Horn honks]

Now to get into Santa's
village, we'll need disguises.

Well, well, well, I think
I see the perfect cover

right before my eyes.

Fish for sale! Got a fish for sale!

Mmm, fish! Finally! Head on in!

[Doors creak]

["Carol of the Bells" playing]

So you're really not
here to foil my plans?

No, I swear! I was just trying
to have a nice Christmas.

Then what am I hassling you for?

Cut his throat, but make it Christmassy.

He wants a nice Christmas.

Ahh! Ahh!

- Roger: Fish!
- [Smack]

Give us our son, you
jelly-bellied bastard!

I'm saved!

Ho ho ho! Smiths!

You're never gonna make it
out of the North Pole alive.

Oh, sir, we found the other stone.

Ooh! Let me see it!

Beautiful. They're both mine.

- Smiths, you're free to go.
- Stan: Really?

At last, I'm ready to
enter the final stage

of my grand design.

- Okay, then.
- My grand design,

it will change everything.

Uh-huh. We go out the way we came?

Yeah, it's two rights and then a left.

But you're really not
in the least bit curious

about what I'm doing?

- My grand design?
- Not... not particularly.

Okay. But I have to say, if
you guys had a grand design,

I'd at least listen to it.

Of course, I've always been curious.

Even as a child, I took
apart my alarm clock

to see how it worked, but that's me,

and you guys are you.

And, uh, I guess I gotta respect that.

- Well, then it's settled...
- Seize them!

[Clanks]

♪

Now in order to answer
all of your questions

about my grand design,

we're going to take a
journey back in time.

They'll be a little
movie, a brief Q&A session,

and then I'm going to kill you.

Good luck! I can only
be stopped with a...

Copper pot! What are
you, cooking for cowboys?

Why the hell do you have this?!

[Under breath] Cue lights.

[Normal voice] A long time ago

in the fertile
riverlands of Mesopotamia,

there were an ancient
people called the Sumerians,

and it is from them that we inherit

the world's oldest and
most well-known story.

Do I even need to say it?
The "Epic of Gilgamesh."

Ah! [Under breath] Of course, of course.

As the legend goes, the hero Gilgamesh,

accompanied by his
trusted friend Enkidu,

traveled to the distant cedar forest...

[Thumping] ... and there confronted

the ageless, terrifying giant Humbaba.

[Roars]

And when Gilgamesh defeated Humbaba,

cutting off his enormous head,

he was gifted with
the Seven Radiances...

... granting Gilgamesh
immeasurable power.

In some translations, the "Radiances"

are referred to as the seven "Auras."

That's the Binderman translation!

He's a hack! What
scholars have gotten wrong,

including Binderman...
Especially Binderman...

Is they believe Humbaba to be
a metaphorical giant, a myth.

But the myth is real!

[Fanfare plays]

Of course, I'm not the first
to seek the power of Humbaba.

There have been others...

Caesar, Bonaparte,

Goebbels, Temple Grandin.

But they all dug in the
wrong place, and why?

Because they got Pangaea wrong!

My calculations put the cedar forest

right under the North Pole!

Why else would I base
my operations here?

The weather?!

[Chuckles] The weather.

And now with nothing left to stop me,

I will use Humbaba's eyes
to end Christmas forever!

- Steve: No!
- Yes!

And usher in a new age
of unimaginable terrors

that must be seen to believed!

There are supposed to be visuals here...

A bunch of CGI footage
of me flying around

and zapping buildings with my fingers.

It worked in rehearsals!
Tony, why didn't...

Tony, could we kill the music?!

[Dramatic music swells, cuts out]

Tony, why did the other
stuff work and this didn't?

Tony: They were on
different hard drives.

I wanna know why we did
that, but I also feel like

I'm gonna be really
frustrated by the answer.

♪

Oh, my God, you found him.

[Axes tapping]

When I place the eyes
in Humbaba's stone face,

I'll receive the full power
of his Seven Radiances.

- Or auras.
- Silence!

They're heavier than they
look. I dropped one earlier.

Now to become... a god!

♪ Ah, ah, ah ♪

♪ Ah, oh, oh ♪

Santa, no! You can't take
Christmas away forever.

What about peace on Earth
and goodwill towards men?

That's kids stuff.

[Whoosh]

♪

One radiance, two radiances,

three, four, five, six, seven!

They're all here!

Now fly into my body, please!

It's a very subtle feeling.

They flew past you.

[Voices chanting ominously]

[Cracking]

[Clank] Aah!

Whoa, things are going down.

[Clank]

[Loud crash]

We have to climb the side!

I'm supposed to be all-powerful!

Why is all my stuff going in the mouth?!

What's happening in there anyways?!

Go look.

Uh, all I see is fire.

Goat legs ain't so great for
climbin', are they, dingus?

[Clank]

Whoa!

[Laughs] I knew you'd save me!

We're the two halves of Christmas,

locked in this dance forever!

Aah!

I don't dance with men.

[Cracking]

[Roaring]

I thought it was just the head!

Not in Binderman's translation!

He theorized that the throat was cut

but the body was intact!

I've never even seen
you read a magazine.

[Roaring]

To the train, everybody!

It's the only way out of the North Pole!

It won't start!

It's powered by the love of Christmas.

Won't move an inch without it.

First, the train needs Christmas magic,

then it needs Christmas love.

This is some Christmas
bullshit right here.

[Engine hisses]

Christmas Hate powers it in reverse.

[Scoffs] Christmas. So stupid.

We have to go the other way!

Yeah, Steve. Think about
your Christmas love!

What's to love?

The whole holiday was just a front

for a slave mining operation
because some lunatic

wanted to take over the world.

[Roaring]

Steve, stop! We're heading
right for Humbaba-ba-ba-ba!

Santa was right.
Christmas is kids stuff,

'cause they're the only ones
dumb enough to believe in it.

Francine: We're gonna die!

I... hate... Christmas! [Growls]

[Crash]

[Roars]

Turn to stone much, ya giant scrote?

Steve, it's over. You can have
a boner for Christmas again.

No more boners. I'm a man now.

It's time to let Christmas go.

Honey, I know you want
a normal Christmas, but...

But we can't have that.

We'll never have a
traditional Christmas.

Of course we can, son.

But it'll just have to be our tradition

of having a terrible Christmas.

And we were wrong to try to skip it,

because Christmas isn't
something we to skip.

It's something we... endure.

As a family.

[Hiss]

We're moving! Steve, does this mean...

Yep! [Singsongy] My boner
for Christmas is back!

Well, I'm gonna stick around,
move into Santa's castle.

You may never be able
to understand this,

but I've grown a little tired
of driving a bus in Baltimore.

Wait, you can fly?

Like a [bleep] angel!

[Yells indistinctly]

♪ Silent Night ♪

♪ Holy Night ♪

♪ All is calm ♪