American Dad! (2005–…): Season 12, Episode 6 - Roger's Baby - full transcript

Come on. Come on.

Oh, my God!

Ugh, it's negative again.

Where did you get a pregnancy
test with sound effects?

At Spencer's Gifts. It's also
where I get my condoms.

What, wait, you're...
you're wearing condoms

while we're trying
to get pregnant?

They're joke condoms.
They have a big hole in the end.

I just wear them for the feel...

and the chuckles.

You doof. I can't wait to have
your big, doofy baby.



I wanna have a babe
with you, too, babe.

Hey!
Are you done in there?

Get out, get out, get out!

I went to Taco King!
I can't do this in my bowl!

♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪

♪ I got a feelin' that
it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪

♪ The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ♪

♪ And he's shinin' a salute
to the American race ♪

♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪

♪ Good... ♪
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪

Aah!

♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪

Oh, I'm sorry, honey.
We know how much you want this.

I don't know what's wrong.
I've been eating right,



exercising,
taking all the vitamins.

And I bought a butterfly net
to catch the baby

when he comes shooting out.

We've been trying all kinds
of different positions, too.

The spider pretzel,
the butter churner,

the standing wheelbarrow.

And my favorite,
the breakfast for dinner.

That's where I fry him an egg,

and then we do it quite
traditionally, from behind.

Well, you must be doing
something wrong.

I got Francine pregnant
on the first try.

Bang, bang, chicken and shrimp!

What's going on?
I'm bored. I got nothin'.

By the looks of your faces,
you got nothin', too.

God, it's so boring
in this house. I'm bored.

What's going on?

Haley and Jeff are having
trouble getting pregnant.

Oh, good. This isn't boring.
I could drop a bomb on this.

See, Hayley's never going
to get pregnant

because Jeff's an alien.
Boom!

Wait, what?!

Ever since Jeff got back
from space,

he's had an alien body.

Only human part left
is his brain.

Ohh, that explains why my pee
is slightly brighter than usual.

And why I haven't slept
in a year

or even felt the need to.

Yeah, that explains everything.
Did I leave anything out, Stan?

You knew?!
Yes, but I couldn't tell anyone,

because I'm
an amazing secret keeper.

Well, why didn't you tell me?
That is also a secret.

I know we weren't gonna
say anything, Stan,

but I got bored.

Remember at Disney World
how I got bored,

so I tried to drown
that fat lady

on Pirates of the Caribbean?

You guys went to Disney World
without me?

My boy Reggie is Pluto!

He could've got you
pineapple Dole Whips

half-price, fool!

My other boy Dante's got
a sick condo in Daytona Beach.

It's only a 90-minute drive
from Disney World.

And I got a hookup
for Lightning tickets.

Warm weather hockey...
you don't get that up here.

Shut up, Klaus!

I also have a boy
in Jacksonville.

I can't believe this.
I'm married to an alien.

I-I've been having sex
with an alien!

I don't see what the big deal
is, Hayley.

Lots of people sleep
with aliens...

Lois Lane,
Marvin the Martian's wife,

every cable guy who's ever
come to this house.

But I don't feel like an alien.
I feel like me.

That's because you still have
your stupid human brain.

Hey, I love
your stupid human brain,

and I don't even care
that you're an alien.

Liberal.

But... I do wish
we could have a baby.

Well, you could have a baby
if Jeff became human again,

but that's impossible.

Unless...

you gave his brain to a birthing
alien on its heat cycle

so Jeff could be reborn
as a human.

But you'd need to find
a birthing alien here on Earth

other than me,
because I'm not doing it.

Whew! Is it hot in here?
I can't tell.

I'm on my heat cycle.
Anyway, impossible.

Such a bummer.
Gotta go. Bored again.

My boy in Jacksonville's
name is Leroy.

He's a barback
at Buffalo Wild Wings,

and he says if we go down there,

we might be able to party
with the waitstaff.

And then Marybeth Stephanie
called me a "Hufflepuff"!

Can you believe that?!

I've been called
some terrible things before,

but never a Hufflepuff.

That's stupid!
You're totally a Ravenclaw.

I know! But even though
I was real peeved,

I just said "thank you" because
I didn't want to offend her.

You're a bit of a Hufflepuff.
Yeah, I'm a Hufflepuff.

Are you Snot?
Are you poor?

Uh...
Because we're...

Trish!
And the Sizzle.

And you're on
"Morning Mimosa's"...

"Three Happy Days"!

Whoa, awesome!

What? What's happening?

What's happening is you just
hit the jackpot, buddy.

Every year on "Morning Mimosa,"

they surprise a poor kid
with three happy days!

You're poor, aren't you, Snots?

Look at you!
Of course you are.

Come with us! Your first
happy day starts now!

Three happy days!

Three happy days!

Being poor is so weird.

Like, when I think of tuna,

I think of tuna
from a fancy sushi place,

and you think of tuna
from a shitty can,

like a cat.

Poor people are a lot like cats.

Please, Roger, I really wanna
be human again.

And if that doesn't happen,
we'll never have a baby.

What if someone told you
that you couldn't have

what you wanted most in life?

Jake Gyllenhaal?

If somebody
told me I couldn't have him,

I-I don't even know what I...

Ah! That'd be awful!

I'll be there for you
the whole time,

every step of the way.
Well, I have always wanted

them fat swangin'
pregnancy tits.

You would look great with those!

I'll do it.
I'll carry your Jeff baby.

Muchas gracias!
Oh, Thank you!

Now, how do we go about
getting Jeff's brain?

Aah!

And now there's a 10% chance
that I'm pregnant.

Three happy days!

Three happy days!

That's right. Every year,
the Sizzle and I

help one poor kid
with the saddest story.

This year, we were faced

with the biggest challenge
we've ever had.

Meet Snot Lonstein...
poor, yet Jewish.

So for Snots' first happy day,

we gave him
a much-needed makeover.

Meet the brand-new Snots!

Fabulous! Now let's bring out
the person

responsible for you being
here today.

Snot, meet your knight
in shining armor, Steve Smith!

You nominated me?

Yeah, I did.
I felt bad for you.

You think it doesn't break my
heart when we go to the movies

and you bring that old
jawbreaker in that sticky bag?

Snot, don't you wanna
thank Steve for nominating you?

Let's see you...

Kiss his feet! Kiss his feet!

Where'd you find
this doctor, anyway?

We can't go to a regular doctor,

so Klaus recommended this guy.

Hello! I'm Dr. Kalgary.

I see you are lesbians.
Congratulations.

Yep.

I believe you are
hoping for some good news.

Just tell me I'm pregnant, Doc.

Wait.
I hear a heartbeat.

That is very uncommon
in my office.

I'm pregnant?
Oh, thank God!

Let's take a closer look.

Thank you, Billy.

And you are having...

an adult man.

Oh, my God! It's Jeff!

I'm printing you a copy.

Billy!

Aah!

It's okay.
I got it.

No, no.
Let him get it himself.

I'm getting stronger!

Everything hurts.

And the cravings...

I want a cigarette
and five shots of Patrón.

Roger, you can't smoke
or drink during your pregnancy.

Okay, but can't I just cook

the tiniest bit of meth?

It won't hurt nobody.

Here, have some pickles instead.

Oh, God, the smell!
Get that away from me!

But these are your favorite.

I think I missed a spot.

Ugh. This is disgusting.

I'm disgusting,
and I hate this thing!

You! You did this to me!

I think if I had
just a tiny bit of meth,

it'd settle my stomach.
No, Roger.

Just a widdle cwystal?

With the help
of his best friend, Steve,

we're about to surprise Snots
with his second happy day.

Let's go!

Oh, my! Sizzle? Trish?!
Am I on...

Shut up!
You're not part of this!

Wake up, wake up, wake up!
Huh?

We're sending you
and your best friend Steve

to the water park!

What do ya say, Snots?!

I'll go, but not with Steve.
I'll just take my mom.

Oh, my God! Snots is so poor,
he has to date his mom!

Why aren't you taking me?

I'm the reason you get
to go to the water park

in the first place.
I don't wanna be pitied.

I thought you would know that.
It's so humiliating.

How is this humiliating?

Oh, my God!

Is his pillow just a t-shirt
stuffed with newspapers?

Dennis, get a shot of that.

Roger, I got everything
you asked for...

a turkey sandwich,
that pillow you like,

and binoculars so you can
watch the gardener

work across the street.

Hmm. Ahh. Ahh.

That feels nice.

And this here tastes amaze.

Ooh, I'd let that guy
spread his seed on me.

If he pulled my weed, I'd show
him some "miracle grow."

Is that a Venus flytrap? Because
my next pun depends on it.

It's anus guy flap.

So if you're good, I'm gonna go
see a movie with Klaus.

Oh. Is Klaus carrying
your baby?

Well, no.

Oh, so the movie's
carrying your baby.

You're welcome to come with us.

Klaus didn't invite me.
Klaus thinks you hate him.

I do hate him.
I'd kill him if I could!

Roger, you're... you're
very emotional

because you're pregnant.

You said you'd be there
every step of the way!

God, I'm so upset, I can't even
finish this sandwich!

You're starving me and the baby!

I'm sorry!
I'll do whatever you want!

I want you to want to be here,

and I want you to make me
exactly the same sandwich

you did before because you
straight up killed it.

Is it just me,
or has Roger gone crazy?

Hayley, how how many times
have you been pregnant? None.

How many times have
I been pregnant? Four.

Point is, I know
what Roger's going through.

All he wants is
to feel appreciated.

I'm trying the best I can.

Try harder. He's carrying
your husband, after all.

Damn it, Hayley!
I'm starving!

Are you gonna make me
suck the milk

out of my own damn boobs?!

Huh.

Bring me some Oreos!

Morning, Mimosa-nators.

We're about to surprise Snots
with his third happy day.

Blow the door!

You're back!

Uhh!

♪ Wake up, wake up, wake up ♪

It's time for your third hap...
Where the hell is he?

I'm sorry, Snot.
I screwed up,

but I'm gonna get you
out of this, I promise.

He's here! Aah!

Run!

Sues, we're not
trying to kill him.

We're just trying to give him
his third happy day.

Sorry.

I was just flashing back
to Desert Storm.

Okay, but you weren't
in Desert Storm.

You saw part of
Three Kings on HBO.

The part I saw was so powerful.

It's not time for my nap yet.

Why are you bringing me
upstairs?

On "Goop," Gwyneth Paltrow says
I should avoid stairs.

"Goop" says I shouldn't
exert myself.

"Goop" says my ankles are weak.

We should buy an elevator
like "Goop" says.

Surprise!

Oh, my God!
A surprise baby shower?!

You've been through
a lot, Roger,

and I wanted to do
something nice for you.

Well, as tough as it's been,
I must say I've been a rock.

Ooh! Presents!

Happy baby shower, Roger!

A Phish CD?

It's Jeff's favorite band!
That's so sweet, Mom.

Oh, no.
No, no, no, no, no.

The baby is not gonna listen
to this stoner garbage.

He's above that. For him,
it's only classical masters,

like the Indiana Jones
soundtrack.

Whatever. Dad, why don't you
give Roger your present?

It's Jeff's hat.
I got it out of the closet.

I forgot we were doing this.

Yuck! The baby won't be
wearing hats,

not when he has access
to my wigs.

Roger, that's Jeff's
favorite hat.

He wears it all the time.

Not anymore, he won't.

Are there more presents?
Tell me there are more presents.

Well, I didn't know if it was
going to be a boy or a girl,

so I got you this.

Oh, yes!
A sparkly sequined onesie!

This is perfect for the baby!

It's all I've ever wanted
for him,

to be sawed in half
at a magic show.

Thank you, Klaus.

You're the only one
who knows what my baby wants.

Get over yourself, Roger!

It's not your baby!
It's my Jeff!

Oh, it's your Jeff, is it?

Well, what your Jeff needs
is his mother... me.

You know what he doesn't need?
You!

And come to think of it,
I don't need you either.

Where the hell are you going?
I'm outta here, bitch.

I'm raising this baby on my own.

And you know what?
His name's not Jeff anymore.

It's Tristan!

I figured it out!

This diaper has Snickers in it.

Dad, we weren't playing
that game.

Where'd you find that?

Guys, Roger's out there,
God knows where,

walking around with Jeff
inside him.

Or should I say Tristan?

Hayley, relax.
Tristan's a great name.

We should've named Steve
Tristan.

Pregnant mothers
just get emotional.

And they stay emotional!
Up top.

Don't look at me, Stan.
I love women.

I respect them too much.

Please.

Is it too late
to side with you, Stan?

Let's go find Roger.

Who knows what he could be
doing right now?

♪ Hayley, I know
you're gonna be upset ♪

♪ 'Cause you need me
to birth human Jeff ♪

♪ But you should know by now ♪

♪ That I'm a bit crazy ♪

♪ You helped to show me
what I want ♪

♪ My goal in life
is to be a mom ♪

♪ We're in this, him and me ♪

♪ And I don't need Hayley ♪

♪ Hayley, don't preach ♪

♪ I'm in trouble deep ♪

♪ Hayley, don't preach ♪

♪ I need booze to sleep ♪

♪ And I made up my mind ♪

♪ I'm keeping my baby ♪

♪ I'm gonna keep my Tristan ♪

♪ Mmm, mmm ♪

Excuse me, ma'am. Will you be
making a purchase with us today?

No, no, I will not.

Go around, Mike!

Aw, crud.

Looking for this?

Oh, no!
How did you find me?

This is where I ran off to
when I was pregnant.

It's the... "Go-to motel for
scared pregnant women."

I read your Yelp review.

Why'd you run away?

To think about the most
important decision of my life...

whether or not I was
going to keep you.

Oh, hey!
Is that the coin I flipped?

Roger, I'm sorry.

This whole time, I was
so focused on getting Jeff back,

I forgot how much
this was affecting you.

So... I got you this.

Now you can match Jeff...

or Tristan,
whatever you wanna call him.

We are in this together.

Let's call him Jeff!

I'm starting to think
"Tristan" is a gay lion's name.

Ready to come home?

Okay, just let me grab my...
Aah!

Aah! Roger!
Your eyes are bleeding!

The baby!

What? What's wrong
with the baby?!

Bleeding eyes
means the baby's coming!

I thought you read
the book I got you!

I did! But it was just
David Blaine's life story.

Oh, yeah, well, I was right
to give you that book.

It's awesome. Pretty cool.

He was bullied as a kid
and then made himself

into one of the most popular
magicians in the world.

Speaking of magicians,
did you know Criss Angel

lives on the top floor
of the Luxor?

Do you think he has a book?
I-I don't know.

Shut up, you babbling bitch!
I'm having a baby here!

No one escapes
the third happy day!

Childbirth really hurts!

I have so much respect
for Michelle Duggar now,

which is saying something,
because I already considered her

one of the most accomplished
women of her generation.

Aah!

Stay strong, Roger.
Keep pushing.

This is punishment for all
the bad things I've done,

like the time I took
those blind people

to that noisy warehouse
and told them

they were at the World Series.

I sold them $12 beers
I bought for $8,

and when they were super drunk,
I made their team lose

in the bottom of the 9th

and broke their dumb,
blind hearts.

Keep pushing!

He's here!

Congratulations!
It's a strange thing.

Why's he so small? I thought
he was coming out full grown.

What's wrong?

Oh, it's like one
of those sponge dinosaurs.

He'll get bigger
once we add water.

Can I... Can I see him?

Hey, buddy.

Roger!

My mouth is super juicy
for this very purpose.

Babe.
Jeff, it's you!

Aw, give him here.

I need to do skin-to-skin
contact right away.

He's not latching.
I disown this child.

I'm sorry these three happy days
have been so terrible.

Actually, today's been
pretty good.

What? You twisted
your ankle,

we almost died
in a freezing river,

and now we're hiding
in a storm drain

that smells like a dead body.

Yeah, but I wasn't poor,
and you weren't middle class.

We were just two best friends,
running for our lives.

Come here.

Whoa.

I feel it, too.
This is a hell of a moment.

No, it's just... I know why it
smells like a dead body in here.

I'm not dead.

Just because I don't conform

to your conventional standard
of beauty doesn't mean I'm dead.

You know all those magazine
covers are Photoshopped, right?

Aah!

Scared of what
a real woman looks like?!

So, after everything with Roger,

I realized, there's so much more
to having kids

than I ever thought,

and I don't know if
they're ready for that.

Well, having just been born,

I feel I'm a little young
to have a baby.

Guys, I finally added up
the bill

for being your surrogate.

Food, parts, labor,
loss of other income,

all totaled...
you owe me a ride to the mall.

Bye-bye, see you soon.

Captions by VITAC...