American Dad! (2005–…): Season 11, Episode 9 - Anchorfran - full transcript

And now, Dickie Dobbins,

with the Channel 3 Doppler 12,000

Accu-Climate Weather-Plus forecast.

We got more record heat movin' in.

My guess is it's from Eurasia,

or even, possibly,

the dark continent.

That's where Miss Maisie comes from.

She raised me.

Jesus, Dickie. [Nervous chuckle]

It's... it's important to remember



old Dickie comes from a different era.

Right, Terry?

Oh, that's right.

Sometimes I forget [Tearfully]
that he's gone.

As the week-long beat wave continues...

beat wave? What's a beat wave?

As the heatwave... sorry... continues...

[sobs]

I just hate seeing Greg like this.

Guy's been a mess ever since Terry

dumped him and left
town to follow 311 on tour.

You know what?

Greg needs a new man

and I'm gonna help him find one.



Why?

Because that's what you do for friends.

At least, that's what I do for friends.

In high school, my
nickname was Superfriend.

Actually, it was Supermouth.

Actually, it was Suckmachine.

They called me Stan the Man.

There was a girl in my class named Stan.

[Band plays]

♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪

♪ I got a feelin' that it's
gonna be a wonderful day ♪

♪ The sun in the sky has
a smile on his face ♪

♪ And he's shinin' a
salute to the American race ♪

♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪

♪ good morning, U.S.A. ♪

Aah!

♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪

[Tranquil tune plays]

Just a little more pepper.

Greg's coming up the driveway!

Aah! Aaaaaaah!

Now, remember.

We're pumping him for information

about his perfect guy,

so we can find
someone to set him up with.

It's actually the perfect temperature.

- Can someone toss me a tecate?
- I'll tell you

what my perfect man would
be, if I was gay.

He'd have smooth, soft skin,

long, shiny hair,

a narrow waist and wide hips,

forming the shape of an hourglass.

Pouty lips, big doe eyes.

A musical, high-pitched voice.

Large, supple, breast-like
pectoral muscles.

And huge balls.

Something you can really grab onto.

Stan!

Oh, we're at dinner now.

Thank you so much for having me.

It's nice to get out of the house.

Our pleasure.

Now, what would you like for dessert,

a bear claw or a twink-ie?

Or maybe asian dessert?

We haven't even eaten dinner yet.

Okay, then, let's start with salad.

Would you like your dressing on the top

of your salad, or on the bottom?

How would you put it on the bottom?

Okay, what are you two up to?

All right. The truth is,

we were trying to figure out your type,

so we could set you up.

You just seem so
down, ever since Terry left.

Oh. That's sweet of you.

I admit, I do miss
Terry, as a life partner,

but, to be honest, I
miss him more, right now,

as a work partner.

I'm... I'm sorry. That... that probably

didn't exactly warrant a spit-take.

Kind of jumped the gun there. Go on.

What makes a reporter,
journalistic integrity?

Ha! It's the banter!

But you can't just plug
anybody into that other chair.

You need chemistry and
chemistry is hard.

Tell me about it.

I burned down my
school in chemistry class.

My school experience was
pretty flaming, too,

if you know what I mean. [Chuckle]

I bet you were quite the firestarter.

Just call me young Drew Barrymore.

You're not the only one who liked

"riding in cars with boys."

"Charlie's Angels"!

"Charlie's angels 2"!

"Home fries"!

[Gasp] Francine,

do you realize what we're doing?

We're bantering. Crazy idea.

Would you come fill
in in Terry's old seat?

Just until we find a
permanent replacement.

I don't know, Greg.

I'm not really up on current events.

I get most of my news off Snapple caps.

Please, Francine.

To help a friend.

Sounds like a job for Suckmachine.

How'd you know my high school nickname?

Hey, check out what we
found in the basement.

You walk in, without knocking,

like a bunch of Duprees?

It's my old dream phone game.

It's so dumb. You try to figure out

which cute boy has a crush on you.

We thought it'd be
fun to play as a goof.

Doesn't sound fun. Sounds lame.

But I guess I'll do it,

'cause I got nothing else to do.

But it sounds
boring. I'm gonna be bored.

I was right. This is boring.

I'm bored. I think
I'm just about ready to...

[gasp] Who is that?!

- [breathily] Dylan.
- [piano flouris]

- [ring]
- Hello?

Your crush loves pizza.

That could be Dylan.

We like all the same things.

Dylan likes the mall. I like the mall.

Oh, my god. Is he the one?

♪ I once wished a wish ♪

♪ One day I would meet ya ♪

♪ My two scoops of kisses ♪

♪ With a heart shaped like pizza ♪

♪ What angel or genie ♪

♪ Led me here to you? ♪

♪ My telephone Romeo ♪

♪ My dream come true ♪

♪ My dream come true ♪

[moaning]

♪ My dream come true ♪

I'd sing you the second verse,

but it gets pretty explicit.

And remember, we are the
news of Langley Falls.

Without us, people making
dinner won't know who's been murdered!

♪ ♪

Good evening. I'm Greg Corbin.

And I'm Francine Smith.

Our top story tonight...

17 alligators were set loose today

when an oak tree fell on a
fence at the Langley Falls gator farm.

Dickie, I bet you were around

when that oak tree was planted.

Huh?

Planted?

Dickie was around when the
oak tree was invented.

[Chuckle] Looks like those gators

aren't the only ones who bite.

Chomp, chomp. [Chuckle]

Her banter is beautiful.

♪ She's a revelatio-o-o-
o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-n! ♪

Oh, she's good.

Real good.

Too good.

This will end poorly.

Raven!

[Laughs]

She's so raven.

Real raven.

Too raven.

This will end

poorly.

Thank you.

This is the first and last step

to opening my dry cleaning business.

So, we eat here for free?

I never realized being the husband

of a local news celeb would be so sweet!

Ah, the perks are nice, but remember:

I'm doing all this to help Greg.

Complimentary order of
shrimp enchiladas. Mwah!

The veins in the
shrimp are... how you say?

Bursting with turds tonight.

That's exactly how you say it, Miguel.

One more call, and I'll zero in

on the identity of
the landline strangler.

I've crafted my own narrative

to enhance my enjoyment of the game.

Now, talk to me, you sicko!

Who are you talking to? Is it Dylan?

[groaning]

Keep your paws off him, you slut!

[ring]

Your crush hates the mall.

Hates the mall? It's not Dylan.

- We're resetting.
- [Beep]

Roger, you can't just
keep resetting the game

every time, until you get Dylan.

I don't see why you're so
hung up on Dylan, anyway.

Tyler is clearly the
cutest of the dream boys.

Hell, I'd even take Wayne over Dylan.

You have six seconds

to suck those filthy words back

inside your rotten little mouth.

Damn it, Roger.

This isn't even a real person, okay?

This is just some model who
posed for a picture in 1994.

It's... it's insane to have a crush

on a fake person on a fake phone.

[sigh] You're right.

The sane thing to do is

track down the model
who posed for the card

and go on a road trip to meet him.

Exactly.

♪ I'm so excited ♪

♪ And I just can't hide it ♪

♪ No, no, no ♪

♪ I'm about to lose control ♪

♪ And I think I like it ♪

I know I like you, Dylan.

[laughter]

Of course, that was
back when it was okay

to bring a crossbow on a bus.

This just in... Channel
3's own Dickie Dobbins has...

Died?

Of a stroke.

I didn't know you could die from that.

I thought it just made you talk funny.

Ah, I had a stroke, see?

We always poke fun at Dickie, sure, but,

I never thought we'd...

[wheels squeaking]

Lose him.

Greg?

Ladies and gentlemen,

heaven just got one
hell of a weather angel.

Or, if the
allegations that followed Dickie

his entire life turn
out to have been true,

hell just got one
angel of a weather demon.

And... We're... Out.

Thank you, Francine. That...

that was wonderful.

You just got in the zone.

It was like there was no
one else at the desk.

Oh! [laughs]

Oh, that's ridiculous.

Who ever heard of one
person anchoring the news?

- [laughs]
- [nervous laugh]

[laughs]

But do ya think?

♪ ♪

So I had the
sassiest waiter the other day.

Oh, I'll tell you how I
feel about sassy waiters.

"Homey don't play around wit' dat."

Remember that, the black clown?

Anyway.

♪ ♪

If I was that hang-glide instructor,

I'd have just cut that big boy loose.

- Well, I...
- Oh, we're gonna get calls

- on that one, aren't we?
- I-I once...

Oh, behave, Francine.

[laughs]

♪ ♪

[music climbs]

♪ ♪

Man, Francine really ain't letting you

get a word in edgewise, is she?

Oh, she's just doing her
part to be helpful.

And you know what they say...

"there's no I in team."

No! I don't know that,

'cause I never learned to read!

[sobbing]

[hissing]

Aah-aah!

Why do we have this room?!

So they've got a killer new

verde shrimp chimichanga down at Larry's.

I was thinking maybe you could work in

a plug on the show today.

I'm not gonna compromise the news

to make you a hero at Loco Larry's.

This isn't about you.

And it's not about me.

It's about Greg.

Now, I really need to
do my vocal warmups.

♪ Me me me me me ♪

♪ Not Greg, not Greg, not Greg ♪

♪ All that is his will be mine ♪

What's going on?

We've finally got a new weather guy

to replace Dickie... Memphis Stormfront.

From Channel 6 in Raleigh-Durham.

They say he gives great banter.

[Southern accent] And that
he's got his eye on the anchor desk.

He might be just the guy to be Greg's

permanent co-anchor, fool!

Why are you doing that?

I love gossi-i-i-p!

[laughter]

♪ ♪

We have a new member
of the Channel 3 Team

and we're about to find out

"weather" he's any good at his job.

A job, by the way,

that can be done
better by a free phone app.

Memphis.

"Appy" to prove you
wrong, there, Francine.

I'd also happily help you find
a phone made after 1998.

Hey, no fair! That's just a backup

until her beeper gets out of the shop.

Ooh! Burn!

Um, uh...

I...

Ch-chimichanga.

Turning to the five-day forecast.

I haven't felt this kind of
on-air chemistry since Terry.

I think he's the one. Isn't this great?

You'll be able to go back to your

whatever you do with your days.

My lokey!

I want that weather punk gone!

I just heard you got Memphis fired?

He was dead weight, ratings poison.

A real Ray Donovan.

I was looking out for ya.

Look, you've been
such a good friend to me,

so, speaking as your good friend,

I think your love of the limelight

is clouding your judgment.

Oh. Wow!

Thank you for helping me realize

- [crunch]
- What an ingrate you are.

Francine, you're hurting me!

I get the viewers.

- I make the news fun.
- [crunch]

And I do it all to help you!

Well, you're gonna have a hard time

helping me, because me quits!

[sobbing]

Wait, wait!

Greg, come back!

I didn't mean what I said.

I've never seen "Ray Donovan."

It could be a good show.

I don't know. We don't get showtime.

Everything else I said stands.

[sobbing]

Stupid, ungrateful Greg.

I guess some friends
just don't want to be helped.

_

_

_

_

Oh, my god!

I was so busy,

telling myself I was helping Greg,

I couldn't see how
much I was hurting him.

Oh, we need to make this right.

Are you okay, losing your
Loco Larry's perks?

Hey, helping Greg is more important

than eating 16 burritos a day,

every day of the week.

Also, my...

my colon came out.

What?

M-my colon came out.

I-I looked it up
online and it is reversible.

Greg and Memphis are so clearly

right for each other.

We need to get 'em back together.

And back on the air.

Easier said than done.

Mm-mm-mm.

Greg's done with TV.
Runs a cake shop now.

Another interesting
tidbit: Greg might not be

the macho ladykiller we all think he is.

Greg, please.

You're the one who
belongs behind that desk, not me.

I'm sorry. I'm not going back.

Even if you did get Memphis back, too.

And good luck with that.

He's a stormchaser now.

Said at least you can trust a tornado

not to stab you in the back.

Also, you know Ashley in HR?

Got an abortion.

What do we need a
weatherman for, anyway?

You said it yourself.

Unless, of course, there
was some sort of

cataclysmic superstorm to cover.

But, barring that, I would get rid

of the snake room

before I brought back Greg and Memphis.

Ohh!

[munching]

I just know, deep down,

Greg wants to come back to the news.

If I could only get him and Memphis back

on the air together for one broadcast.

But we'd need to be able

to control the weather, to do that.

Easy as pie.

- Stan, that's a cake.
- Oh, what would you say?

"Piece of cake."

Oh, yeah, it's really easy

to come up with clever word play

when you're not holding in your butthole

with a piece of duct tape.

[ring]

Top-secret CIA weather-
control division. Dick speaking.

I mean, pizza store!

Oh, it's you, Stan.

What kind of favor?

[warble]

[beep-buzz]

[playing heavy metal]

[thunder rumbles]

[doorbell rings]

Can I help you?

You've aged beautifully.

- What?
- A drink? Sure!

I'll take a sweet tea, no ice.

You'll have one, too. Put this in yours.

Come on in. Let's get
you out of those wet clothes.

[wind blows]

[thunder rumbles]

Hello? I received an order

to deliver a cake to this lamppost.

[tires screech]

I got a call saying my birth mother

would meet me at this lamppost.

Greg?

- Memphis?
- [thunder rumbles]

Oh, my god, a category-6
subpolar tornado-cane,

the rarest storm in all of weather!

Don't tell us. Tell the viewers.

Our breaking story right now.

A weather event that I
couldn't even begin to explain.

Oh!

So we're going to go live to Greg Corbin

and Memphis Stormfront, in
the heart of the storm.

Ohhh?!

I told you, I'm
done with the news, Stan.

I'm a cake man now!

You're a what?

[thunder rumbles]

Goddamn it, I'm a news man!

Greg Corbin, here,

live in the midst of
the storm of the century,

with our very own Memphis Stormfront.

Greg, we are witnessing
a once-in-a-lifetime

weather event
unleashing multiple funnel clouds.

[wind roaring]

[squeaking]

The gators are gettin' spooked!

Get 'em into the barn, and quick!

Yah!

It's too late!

[growling]

[lightning crackles]

[alarm blares]

Aaaaaaah!

In a stunning development,

we are now in the midst of
a full-fledged gator storm.

[cheering]

Whoo! Ha ha! Ha ha ha ha!

- Aaaaaah!
- [growl]

Ah! Ah.

Aaaah!

[gasping]

Aaah!

[whimpering]

Ah.

Phew.

[hissing, rattling]

By the way, great to be back on the air

with you, Memphis.

What have you been up to lately?

Well, I finally caught "Step up. All in"

- on cable this weekend.
- That mess?

They should've called
it "Throw up. All over."

They should've called it off.

[laughs]

Even in the belly of the
storm, they banter flawlessly.

These are my stars!

[gulping]

Ahh!

You know, you look familiar to me.

I did do a bit of board-game modeling,

back in my younger days.

Oh, yeah, maybe that's it.

I think I... I think I remember.

Was it, um...?

Oh, god, it's on the tip of my...

I want to say mystery phone?

- Dream phone.
- Dream phone, dream phone.

Right. Now I remember. It's been...

been such a long time.

Is that the phone from the game

that you're holding right now?

So it is.

Say, you know, I got the day free.

What do you say we head to the mall

and grab ourselves a slice of 'za?

Ugh! I try to stay
away from malls, and pizza.

I'm beginning to get

the distinct impression, Dylan,

that you are a liar.

Well, I wouldn't exactly call it lying,

but, for starters,

my name's not actually Dylan.

So, um, what happened back there?

We went to the mall and had pizza,

because that's what Dylan likes.

Why is there blood on the dream phone?

He likes malls and pizza.

And me.

Roger?

Wh-what's in this jar?

Dylan was being bad.

And, now, we have the jar.

♪ I'm so excited ♪

♪ And I just can't hide it ♪

[birds chirping]

Well, it's
official, I'm out at Channel 3

and you two are back in, thanks to us.

What do you mean, thanks to you?

We did all of this.

Francine got you on the air

and I abused my CIA
powers to make that superstorm.

You made this storm?

Lives were destroyed.

But Greg's life was fixed.

Now, you've got a new work partner

and a new life partner.

Now kiss, you two lovebirds.

And put some mustard on it.

Aren't you straight?

Yes, but I'm terrified of these people.

They can control the weather!

Mmm.

- Mwah.
- Mmm.

You did it, baby.

We did it.

Because we're helpers.

It's just in our nature.

We help.