American Dad! (2005–…): Season 11, Episode 10 - The Two Hundred - full transcript

Stan journeys through a post apocalyptic world in search for his family.

Stan, don't! It's me... Principal Lewis!

Where's my family?!

I don't know where they are.

I swear! To the old Gods and the new!

Fire's a bad idea.

Relax, Stan.

There's two of us, and
it's nice and warm.

Your clothes are soaked through.

You need to dry 'em out.

Ooh, sexy.

If you weren't here with your
family, where were you?



You know, when the blast happened?

On a mission. South America.

That's a long walk.

You run into the Two Hundred out there?

I hear they're brutal.

No, but I've seen what they've done.

Cool. Hey, you, uh,
seems like a lot of people

are doing that thing where
they eat other people.

I mean, isn't that wild?

But also maybe understandable, hmm?

You, uh, done any of that?

Nope.

Me neither!

You passed my test!



Now I feel like I can relax.

Look out!

I thought I saw a murderous road bandit,

but it was just a moth.

So tell me, what's
your feeling about tattoos?

They should be covered in the workplace.

Come on, Stan!

And what's with that
huge-ass hummingbird?

It's a falcon.

It was the end of fishing season.

And the sun.

I can remember how
warm it felt on my face.

Aah! My face is so hot!

Why don't you wear a hat?

Great idea, Hayley.

Maybe don't look directly at the sun.

Oh, you'd just love for
me to miss another eclipse.

Why did you want to come
on this trip so bad again?

Yeah, don't you have,
like, a moral objection

to fishing or something?

Oh, my God, can I stop myself?

This is nice.

You know, I asked to come along

because, well, it's
actually pretty rare that we...

Talk quieter. You're scaring the fish.

- It's just rare that...
- Quieter.

- It's so rare...
- Too quiet!

It sounds like you're conspiring
against the fish.

You're making them paranoid!

I was saying we never
spend any time together!

Well, they're definitely gone now!

First you eat all my
drivin' pickles on the way up,

and now this!

Wasn't there some sort of protest
you could have gone to

instead of ruining my fishing trip?!

A protest?

How 'bout I do a protest right here?

Live free!

Whoa. Well, you live free!

This one, though, definitely lives free.

Considered overbudget.

Still, the LQL insists that Langley Falls'

very own Hadron Collider will
meet its opening deadline.

Shut up, Klaus!

All she wanted was to
spend a little time together.

I was a fool.

So you got the tattoo...

As penance.

And a reminder of what I'd
try to do differently,

if I'm ever lucky
enough to see my family again.

Fire's dying down.

All this talk of fish.

I never touched the
stuff before the blast,

but now I'd kill for one.

Man, I'd eat those worms if
they were here right now.

It's amazing the things you'll eat...

If you get hungry enough.

I'm not a killer, Stan.

I just want a slice.

Hyah!

Did I get ya?

Ya gotta say something if I gotcha!

Them's apocalypse rules!

Stan, I thought that was you!

Aah! Quiet, Greg!

I was looking out my basement window...

- Shh.
- and I said to myself,

- 'cause that's who I talk to these days.
- You have to stop talking.

- I said, "I think that's Stan Smith."
- Please shut up!

I didn't think I'd ever see you again

- after your family left.
- Be quiet!

You have a lot of tattoos.

Wait, what? Do you
know where my family went?

Oh, yeah. But we
shouldn't talk out in the open

because Principal Lewis
has been prowling around,

and you would not believe what
he's been getting up to.

All I wanted was a taste!

We're cool now! So be cool!

I can't look. Did he get me?

Last I saw Francine and the kids,

they were leaving for the New Haven.

- In Connecticut?
- No.

The New Haven is a safe zone
a hundred miles west of here.

If they were in New Haven, Connecticut,

they'd be dead already... Of boredom!

J.K. I've never been there.

I just think it's more
important now than ever

to try to laugh.

What's this tattoo
here? Looks like a doily.

I don't want to talk about it.

Okay. I'm feeling pretty weak.

Maybe I'll just sleep a little.

It was a particularly warm June.

I can still recall the
light, sweet smell of Jasmine

that lingered in the summer air.

It's a thousand degrees!

I'm sweating like a razorback hog!

It's really cool that you
want to do this with me, Dad.

- Why can't I stretch again?
- It's no good.

You gotta keep those
muscles tight and ready.

Don't let the tendons
get all loosey-goosey

like some spaghetti man.

Sons and fathers, on your marks!

All right, Steve, as
you know, first prize

is a refurbished
Hamilton Beach panini press.

With a little
ciabatta and a little gabagool,

I'll be mangia-ing my way
straight to mama-mia-ville.

Speed it up!

Aah! I think I sprained my ankle!

It's just a twist!

There was a rusty
nail in one of the tires,

and now my jaw feels
like it's locking up!

It's just tetanus!

I'm really having a hard time

putting weight on this foot!

I don't think I can go on!

And I don't think I can go another day

eating sandwiches that
make my mouth cold!

Now, pick it up!

Aah!

Oh, God, look at him flat on the ground,

like a pressed hot sandwich.

But why is the tattoo a doily?

His leg was broken.

He spent the whole
summer laid up on the couch,

learning to knit.

He made doilies,

each one finer and lacier than the last.

It was a nightmare.

If I'd just carried him,
like I'm carrying you now...

Oh, cute, a rabbit.

Oh, cute, a dinner.

Damn. I thought it'd
be somethin' bigger.

Or someone.

Run for your lives!

Is... is it the...

It's the Two Hundred! They're coming!

- Go! Go!
- Get out of here!

Get out of here!

Stan, before the Two Hundred kills us,

I want to tell you

that you were often an
inconsiderate neighbor.

It's the Two Hundred!

Clear out you'll!

You'll run faster without your stu-uff.

Roger!

We have to get moving! The
Two Hundred are coming.

Oh, no, there's no Two Hundred.

Made 'em up. I just walk around,

do a creepy "Waah waah, the
Two Hundred are coming!"

They scatter. I get the stuff.

It's mostly tin plates, a lot of spoons.

I have so many spoons now,
I'm like the Little Mermaid.

Oh, my God, Stan! How are you?

And what's this on the back?

- It's a Greg.
- Oh, right.

Greg, you remember my... Uncle Roger?

Stan, no. That's all done now.

We live in a changed world.

There's no need for characters.

I'm just a man in rags.

- Whose name is Clifton.
- Hi, Clifton!

We're heading to the New
Haven to find Francine and the kids.

Ooh! I haven't seen them in ages!

Not since the blast.

I'm coming with...
wait, is Steve gonna be there?

I pray to God that he is.

Guh. I still owe him 60 bucks.

But, like, he's not gonna
care about that anymore, right?

And maybe he's dead!
I am coming with you.

I mean, sure, I could
pay Steve back in spoons,

but nowadays one spoon
is worth more than $60.

How would he even give me change?

What, like a tiny, little spoon?

Oh, my God, that sounds amazing!

Let's rescue the tiny
spoon and the boy who has it!

Let's hop on!

These tracks go right to the New Haven.

It's on fire.

I guess we can hang around here

and see if those wild dogs are friendly.

We did this in the wrong order.

Goodbye, Greg! No
hard feelings!

- Damn it.
- Don't beat yourself up.

He was a liability slowing us down.

Ah! You did it! Somehow.

We're so... glad.

Boy, that blast.

I don't remember any of it.

Was it a blast? Like the party kind?

I-I just think it's more important now

than ever to try to laugh.

Hey, me too.

Hey! I'm haunted by memories.

So, Stan, we haven't
talked about all these tattoos.

Could I ask... that we don't?

Why the garbage can tattoo you ask?

- No.
- It was a Thursday morning.

Trash day.

We were having a very hot
August, which was unusual.

Unusual? August... August is... what?

August is always hot.

Francine was sleeping like an angel.

Stan, did you remember

to put the garbage cans out this time?

I'm in the shower!

And no-o-o!

Come back!

This is two weeks' worth of trash!

My husband keeps
forgetting to take it to the curb!

Francine Smith.

I just want to let you know

that my husband watches
you from our upstairs window.

Why would anyone go out in this heat?

If Francine is there at
the end of all this,

I'll make it up to her.

She'll never carry trash
again, unless I forget for real.

Gimme food or the cripple gets it.

We just left Greg!

I could tell that guy was
coming for the spoons,

and I've worked too
hard and too long to...

Aw, crap, I left my spoons on the train!

Greg's dead.

As he should be. He was the weakest...

Hey, guys!

I managed to wrestle
away his knife and kill him.

This isn't my blood.

Could I finish what
I was saying, please?

Weakest link. Greg is the weakest link.

I got your spoons.

No.

What happened?

It was a massacre.

No survivors.

My family was here.

Is there any chance they
made it out alive?

What did I just say? Ugh.

Oh, no, Stan.

This looks like Francine's locket.

I'm... too late.

But I'm right on time!

Aaah!

You big, black bitch!

I bet you all think I'm
some kind of a monster,

just 'cause I'm a cannibal now.

That's what these delicious
jerks are saying.

I think you're great. I'm nuts about ya.

Stan, snap out of it! We
gotta get out of here.

This guy is gonna eat us.

See ya, wouldn't wanna be ya.

What?

It was just a normal breakfast...

Can't we just enjoy our
ride in the cage cart?

Except I was about to leave

on a perilous mission to South America

that I knew I might not come back from.

I wanted to tell them I
loved them, but I couldn't.

'Cause I never do.

They would've known something was wrong,

and they would've worried.

In that moment, I wanted to
say how much they meant to me.

I wanted to say how much I regretted

letting things get to this point,

where them hearing "I love
you" from me would be weird.

I wanted to say all those
things, but instead I said...

See
ya, wouldn't wanna be ya!

Those are the last
words I ever said to them.

I wasn't with them when the blast hit.

I wasn't with them when they needed me.

And now they're dead.

And I want to be dead, too!

Shoot me, Lewis! I'm beggin' ya!

Stan, you're stressin' me out!

Lucky for you, I'm a stress eater.

What the hell?!

Aah!

Never bring a gun to a bird fight.

Baby girl! You're alive!

And you continued your
interest in falcons!

I wouldn't come any closer.

Oh, I appreciate the advice, but...

- Net!
- Aah!

Steve! Little Steve!

That took me three months to knit!

My kids are alive! And capable!

And the cart's moving!

So strong, I
can't get a tear going.

It's too heavy, Dad!

We can't stop it!

It's okay, kids. You can let go.

He doesn't speak for the cart!

Take care of each other.

Francine!

Thanks to you always hiding
in the bathroom on trash day,

I have a powerful set of
the muscles I'm using now.

In a minute, Stan.

I thought you were dead
when I found the locket.

You never take it off. It's
too precious to you.

I traded it for flip-flops.

There were communal
showers at New Haven.

Which is why we left New Haven.

Couldn't do it.

Now that we're
reunited, I want to say something

I couldn't bring myself to say before.

I would like to see ya.

And I would want to be ya.

- Is that what you wanted to say?
- Don't rush me.

There'll be plenty of
time for that later.

You all think you're safe?

You think I'm alone?

I love you guys so much.

It's time we feast. Take them.

It's the T-T-T-Two Hundred!

Nonsense! I made the Two Hundred up.

They don't exist. Whaaa?

Two hundred Rogers?

Two hundred mes?

I don't underst...
oh, right. I remember.

Welcome, Mrs.
Houlihan's sixth grade class,

to our brand-new Hadron Collider.

This is where we
shoot sub-atomic particles

at fantastic speeds.

And you kids are in luck,

because today we're
shooting our first beam.

First beam!

Now, kids, if you look through here,

you can actually see inside
the collider tunnel.

- Can we go in there?
- Good Lord, no!

That would be wildly dangerous.

But he's in there.

Sorry! I dropped my Ray-Bans.

What's that sound?

The beam! It's starting!

Ouch!

Something really,
really small just hit me.

Ouch! And again!

Ow.

Ow.

Ow.
- Dear God.

Ow!

Ow! Ow!

Ow-ow-ow-ow-ow, ow-ow-ow-ow!

I feel like I'm gonna fart.

Come on, man. Just a little wind.

Yeah!

Oh! They were hitting me with bosons.

Yeah, yeah, you can't do that.

The particle impact caused
my personas to split

and form separate physical entities,

which released a
cataclysmic energy burst.

I apologize, everyone.

I'm the one who ended the world.

Saved these babies, though.

Aw, damn it, there's a crack in them.

- Jeannie Gold!
- Tom Yabo!

- Genevieve Vavance!
- Braff Zacklin!

- Roy Rogers McFreely!
- Kevin Bacon!

- Horse Renoir!
- Chex LeMeneux!

- Clive Trotter!
- Miles Raymond!

- The Phantom of the Telethon!
- Cleshawn Montegue!

- Captain Francois Dubonet!
- Roland Chang!

General Juanito Pequeño!

Ricky Spanish!

- Max Jets!
- Jenny Fromdabloc!

- Frankie Carconni!
- Ruby Zeldastein!

- Uncle Roger!
- Dr. Penguin!

- Jojo Quinoa!
- Michael Corbin!

- The Legman!
- Dan Ansome Handsome!

- Arbuckle T. Boone!
- Lazlo Morphine!

- Shalonda Dykes!
- Dom Fikowski!

- Dimitri Garabedian!
- Morris Buttermaker!

- Sidney Huffman!
- Reaganomics Lamborghini!

- Martin Sugar!
- Burt Jarvis!

- Cuss Mustard!
- Frank Slade!

- Abigail Lemonparty!
- Twill Ongenbone!

And who could forget Clip Clop!

Are they... on our side?

Kevi-i-i-i-i-n Ramage!

Aah!

They are not on our side.

I think we all knew it
would end this way.

Did somebody order the fish?

Whooooo!

And that's the end of the story.

Grandpa, how come you never talk about

what happened in the battle?

'Cause grandpa didn't have a great view

from his hiding spot.

But that's not what's important.

What's important is that every day,

we take a moment and
tell the people we care about...

"Don't let Roger in a Hadron Collider!"

I need to be watched very closely.