American Dad! (2005–…): Season 11, Episode 2 - The Life Aquatic with Steve Smith - full transcript

[ Sighs ]

I love springtime,

when the bulky sweatshirts
come off,

and you can see which guys
were in the gym all winter.

What's that, snot?
Why am I so distracted today?

'Cause I'm craving something,
something I've never had.

Potato boobs!

[ Chomping ]

You can have
the starchy simulacra.

I need to -- nay, I will touch
the real thing.

_



Exactly! What kind of guys
get boob at this school?

I could be Tanya Johnson's baby.

[ Speaks inaudibly ]
[ Coos ]

But he's doing that. Or...

[ Indistinct conversations ]

Hello.

Varsity athletes touch boob!

'Cause they got
those cool letter jackets!

[ Scoffs ] And how are you gonna
become a varsity athlete?

_

Hardly anyone's going out
for water polo.

I-it's like they're
giving letter jackets away!

Or you could buy
a foreign knockoff jacket

and say you transferred in.



I really think people don't
remember us.

♪

♪ Good morning, U.S.A.

♪ I got a feelin' that
it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪

♪ the sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ♪

♪ and he's shinin' a salute
to the American race ♪

♪ oh, boy, it's swell to say

♪ good --
♪ good morning, U.S.A.

[ Indistinct conversations ]

Man, these C.I.A. auctions
are amazing.

There's so much cool stuff.

Hey, can we get
a Farsi translator?

Please, please, please?

Will you feed her
and take her for walks?

No.

And sold!

This working hellfire missile

goes to the man stroking a cat
menacingly in the front row.

[ Chuckles ]
Oh, it's not for me.

It's for downtown Pittsburgh.

[ Cat purrs ]

Our next item is
a 26-foot sailboat

seized off the coast
of Colombia.

Wow.
Wow.

I've always wanted to be
a boat guy.

I know, right?
Hanging out on the deck,

washing down fries
from the marina café

with some cheap canned beer,

making constant small repairs,

getting sunburned

and complaining
the whole time...

Sounds like heaven.

Why don't we start the bidding
at $5,000?

Right here!
I see $5,000. Do I have --

$10,000!
$20,000!

$50,000!

What the hell is going on?!

'Scusies?

Has the Colombian boat
been searched for cocaine?

Uh, yes. There is no cocaine
on the boat.

Take backs.
Me, too.

I'm out.

Sold to the transvestite
in the red dress.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

He is good.

He's got a better eye
than Garry Marshall.

Good afternoon, men,

and welcome to
water polo tryouts.

I'm the new coach,
James Hetfield.

I know what you're thinking.

"Whoa, the James Hetfield
from Metallica?"

The answer is no way...

even though
I look and sound like him

and have all his guitars.

The point is, if I had to deal

with the kind of pressure
that guy's under,

I'd probably crack

and end up as
a high school water polo coach.

So, it's a good thing
that I'm just

this very different
James Hetfield.

Okay, I appreciate
everyone's interest in the team,

but I can only keep 13 boys.

And...there are 13 of you
trying out.

Okay, we're good.

Sweet!
[ Door bangs open ]

Not so...

Uhh!

[ Groans ] Not...

not so fast!

I'll take my jacket
in a women's medium.

[ Water splashing ]

I got cut
from water polo tryouts!

So you're not on a team,

and I don't get to hang
with the cool parents

for yet another year.
Gotcha.

[ Spoon clatters ]

Great. No one cares.
I care.

Klaus? Wh-where are you?

On the table,

under a pair
of Stan's workout shorts.

He missed
the dirty clothes hamper...

by, like, 80 feet.

So tell me about
this water polo tryout.

How was your eggbeater?

Were your dry passes not to
the strong side hand?

Uh...I don't know.

Wha-- how do you know so much
about water polo?

Eh, growing up,

it was a terrific way
to avoid Turkish people.

Now I can give you
some pointers,

and we will force the coach
to reconsider you.

Awesome!

I am going to make you

the greatest water polo player
in the world!

Yeah!
Step aside, Peter Nordquis!

Wow. You really know
your water polo.

I was just making a name up.

Welp, you got it right.

Ready?
Ready!

There seems to have been
a misunderstanding

about what kind of boat guys
we're gonna be.

Whoa! Is it true you guys
bought a sailboat?!

What do you care?

I love sailing. I practically
grew up on boats.

I taught at sailing camp.

It's the one thing
I'm really good at.

I guess, statistically,
there had to be one.

If you ever need any help
with the boat --

No.
I'd be happy to --

[ cocks gun ]

Guns are a great tool

for keeping things from
escalating out of control.

Now then, about this outfit
disagreement...

[ Cocks gun ]
You're gonna dress my way.

Nice and easy.

See? This works!
No talking!

Let's hit the marina.

[ Panting ]
I just got mugged!

[ Both whistling ]

Ugh. Look at your upper body
bobbing and swaying.

You look like
a broken Barbie doll

surfacing after a ferry sinking.

Well, h-how do I stay still?

Tuck your hips in.
[ Grunts ] Like this?

Ugh. Here, watch me.

Like this.

Dude, what is wrong with you?

I don't understand
what I'm supposed to do!

You're supposed to do this.

Aah!

Tuck...your...hips!

Ooh!

Then you pick up a ball,
eggbeater for elevation,

and fire it into the back of the net.
[ Grunts ]

Whoa.

Holy crap.

You "ratatouille"'d me!

But it's not like
I can go to tryouts with a --

with a -- with a fish
hanging on my shorts.

I'm just gonna
have to keep practicing

till I can do it myself.

[ Scoffs ]
A fish hanging on my shorts.

You know, in Japan,
a fish on your shorts

is eight years of
neither good nor bad luck.

The Japanese
are very superstitious.

[ Metallica's
"Master of Puppets" playing ]

[ Chuckles ] Wow.
Smith, you just made the team.

♪ Master!

♪ Master!
[ Crank clicking ]

♪ Master!

I don't know what got into you,
but I love it.

You're stronger, more confident.

Even your package looks bigger.
Well done.

Nothing wrong with
a fish hanging in your shorts.

[ Both laughing maniacally ]

There's probably a few things
wrong with it.

Look at those guys
with their tit-eating grins.

Time to join 'em.

All right, Klaus.
Take the curly reins.

[ High-pitched voice ] Aah!

Let's go, Scottie!

Focus, Matt!

Please note that I'm here, Nick!

I have to go back to work soon!

[ Whistle blows ]

[ "Master of Puppets" playing ]

[ Spectators cheer ]

♪

[ Spectators cheer ]

[ Spectators cheer ]

[ Spectators cheer ]

♪

Wow! Uh...go, Steve!

Woman: You're Steve's mom?

[ Hesitantly ] Yes?
Your son's a superstar!

What are you doing
way over there?

You have to sit with us!

Really?
With the cool parents?

Let me just check for something
in my purse.

Yes! Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!

[Bleep] Yes!

♪ Master!

♪ Master!
[ Spectators cheering ]

Great first game, men.
That was as exciting

as singing in front
of 70,000 people

at Giants Stadium...
I would imagine.

Tell you what.
You keep the wins going,

I'm taking you all
to raging waters,

and everyone can bring a friend.

[ All cheer ]

I'm bringing David!

You hear that, buddy?

Raging waters.

So much water, so much rage.

It sounds lovely.

Well, you're gonna be
my plus-one.

Really?
Of course. You're my partner.

Hell, right now

you're my best friend
in the whole world.

[ Breathing unevenly ]

[ Sobbing quietly ]

[ Fizzles ]

[ Water lapping,
seabird calling ]

[ Slurping, gulping ]

Slow down!
No wake!

Assholes.

[ Both gulping ]

Thanks, buddy. [ Slurps ]

Hey, you think we should, uh,
sand something?

Something always needs sanding.

[ Scratching ]

[ Slurps ]

Whew! Hot work.

I could use
another cold one, Stan.

Oh, I think we're out.

Who the...What the...

[ Angelic music plays ]
You boys looked dry.

[ Fizzes ]
Welcome to the marina.

Or as they say in Spanish,

bienvenidos to the marina.

I'm Van Dusen.

I'm Roger, and this is Stan.

We're just up
from the B.V.I.

Ahh. Good sail.

[ Slurps ] Good sail.
[ Slurps ] Good sail. Good sail.

You, uh...painting
after you sand?

You know it.
Ain't that just how it goes?

It surely is.

You know what I tell my friends

when they ask what it's like
to own a boat?

I say,
"Stand under a cold shower

and tear up $100 bills."

[ Laughing ] Oh, my God,
you're perfect!

That's such a perfect thing
to say!

[ Chuckles ] It surely is.

Well, I'll see ya, boys.
I got a fuel line to patch.

Did you see all the melanomas
on his arms?

That's a boat guy.

And now we are, too.
[ Clink ]

How's the sanding going?
I think I've been sanding a window.

Cool.

Morning, mom.

Sit, Steve.
I made you breakfast.

I-I'm kind of running late
for school.

This is just
a little thank-you

for turning me into
one of the cool jock parents.

Well, I'm glad to help.

I never thought I'd be
part of their world

because you and Hayley have
always sucked at everything.

Hey. What's for breakfast?
Nothin'. Beat it.

[ Metallica's
"All Nightmare Long" playing ]

♪ 'Cause we hunt you down
without mercy ♪

♪ hunt you down
all nightmare long ♪

♪ feel us breathe
upon your face ♪

♪ feel us shift,
every move we trace ♪

♪ hunt you down without mercy

♪ hunt you down all night--

[ camera shutter clicks ]

Hey! No cameras!

Are you reaching for something?

Only greatness.

I'm Amy Reed,

sports editor of
the Pearl Bailey Gazette.

A girl trying to make it
in a boys' world.

I respect the hell out of that.

You're taking the school
by storm,

and I want to know
what makes you so good.

My laser-like focus.

[ Breathily ] Oh, my.

To be continued.

Okay, the new name for
your shorts is "The Bone Yard,"

'cause there were
so many bones in there.

Wait, did -- did you also
have a --

Oh, don't tell me you didn't
feel mine, bro.

That's bullshit, man.

Ugh. Soggy.

I can't get a single fry
in my mouth!

[ Thud ]
Aah!

I didn't ask for a beer!

Throwing beers is the only thing
that breaks up the monotony.

Owning a boat sucks.
It does.

It's just constant maintenance.

Should we...I don't know,
try sailing it?

Where? Where in the ocean
do you need to go?

Uh, here's the bill
for this month's slip fee.

Are you kidding me?
Oh, my God!

$14?! That's an hour
of kiln time!

That's it.
We're sellin' the boat.

Heh, good luck.

I've been trying to sell mine
for 15 years.

Trouble is, most people know
how stupid it is to own a boat.

Sometimes I just wish
this thing would sink

so I could get
the insurance money.

That gives me an idea.

Me, too.

Oh, I love it when we have
ideas at the same time!

So do I! Bring it in.

[ Lowered voice ] I think
we should get pinkberry.

[ Lowered voice ] Oh, yum, yum,
yum, yum, yum, yum, yum.

And after that, let's commit...
[ Whispers ] insurance fraud.

[ Whispers ] It's so easy
to make plans with you.

Hey, Klaus.

I see Amy's water polo story
came out in the school paper.

Yeah, pretty cool.
She calls me the "Pool Shark."

"When asked how he got so good
at water polo, Smith replied,

"'by being totally awesome
all by myself with no help.

#blessed'"

what is this crap?!

Come on! I couldn't say
I had a fish in my shorts.

I-I'd get kicked off
the team!

You wouldn't even be on the team

if I wasn't steering you
by the pubes.

Ugh, Klaus, stop being
such a baby.

It's one stupid article.

Yeah, but --
But nothing!

I'm not forgetting about you,
I swear to God!

[ Horn honks ]
Oh, that's the bus to raging waters.

Great, I'll get my stuff.

I'm ready.

Oh. Yeah...

Ugh.

Um, about that...

Come on, Steve!
Thanks for inviting me!

Dude.

I know I invited you first,
but you can't compete with that.

If it's competition you want,
then prepare to lose.

Uh, but not right now,
of course,

because you're killing it.

You're taking a hot girl
to a water park,

and I'm stuck home in a bowl.
But things can change.

Oh, yes, change is in the air.

Change is a-comin'.

Chan--

It's been a hell of a season,
men.

You've played for me,
for each other,

and for this letter jacket.

Now let's go send
Fairfax Country Day School...

♪ Off to never-never land, ah!

'Sup?
Ready to do this?

I'm thinking today

the pool shark will be
doing it by himself.

I'm too engrossed
in this week's cafeteria menu.

[ Sighs ] Is this about
raging waters?

Sloppy Joe Friday.

Start your weekend
on the toilet.

Fine. I don't need you.
Yeah, yeah.

This is gonna be like
the part of "Ratatouille"

when the human realizes

he doesn't need the rat
any more,

and then he's really successful
on his own,

and then the movie ends.

The movie doesn't end

when you fall asleep
with your blankie, Steve.

[ Whistle blows ]

[ Cheering ]

[ Grunting ]

[ Coughs ]

[ Smack ]

The hell's wrong with you,
Smith?!

Is Steve all right?

I don't think so.
He's losing his mother's love.

[ Grunting ]

Look at you, quivering like
the Italian army.

That's because your legs are as
weak as the Italian air force,

which is why you've taken fewer
shots than the Italian Navy.

I'm not just gonna float here

and let you compare me to
the entire Italian armed forces.

Well, what are you gonna
do about it, paisan?

I'm gonna use all my strength

to be the pool shark
I know I can be!

[ Triumphant music playing ]

[ Glass shatters ]

Oh! Just missed.

[ Weakly ] And I used...
all my strength.

[ Thinking ]Oh, God.

Am I drowning?

I am drowning.

My life is flashing
before my eyes.

[ Claps hands ]
[ Singsongy ] Come to mama!

[ Thud ]

What?! No!

Have fun tonight, honey.

Give him everything he wants.

You bet.

[ Both moaning ]

No! Those are my boobs!

Stop...ignoring me.

[ Bubbling ]

[ Coughing, sputtering ]

You okay?
[ Coughs ]

Yeah.
Yeah, I'm better than okay.

It took me being underwater
to finally see things clearly.

That's a great lyric.

I got my confidence back.

I quit.

I have a confession to make.

I didn't become a great
water polo player all by myself.

In fact, the guy that
made me great is here today.

[ Lowered voice ] Dude,
what are you doing?

You see, sometimes one member of
the team gets the spotlight,

even though
he couldn't have done it

without another member --
an important member.

I'm talking about the little guy
in my swimsuit.

And I think it's time
for everybody to meet him.

[ All gasp ]

Welp, it was a good run.

Stop! You'll lose everything.

This guy doesn't get
the attention he deserves.

Maybe 'cause he's so small.
Prove it!

'Scuse me. Sorry.
Just making my way out.

I know how this ends.

He gets a little shy.

M-maybe if I stroke him a bit,
he'll pop his head out.

That's so gross.

I'm so cold.

Are you a varsity athlete?

No. My dad owns
a jacket company.

Oh, my God. [ Giggles ]

Okay, everybody,
I see how this looks.

I'm not a weirdo.
I just have a fish in my shorts.

He's been helping me
get a jacket.

Seemed like a good way
to get to second base.

Thinking about
switching schools.

I think she's ready.
Shipshape.

Hey, guys! I'm so psyched you
invited me to take the boat out!

Well, Jeff, we realized
how selfish we'd been,

and we wanted to share
the boat-guy lifestyle

with someone who'd
appreciate it.

Awesome. So, can I cast off?

You mean drive it?
Yeah, sure, knock yourself out.

Hey, dad.

Whoa! Hayley, Hayley, we just
invited Jeff to go sailing.

But it's our anniversary.

Of what?
Being married.

And what better way to celebrate
than a sunset sail?

Eh, mind the lines.

[ Adventurous music playing ]

[ Seabirds calling ]

So that's what sailing's
supposed to look like.

Would've been cool if we'd done that.
Yeah.

So, how long till
the boat sinks?

Mm, as soon
as the painter's tape

that's covering the big hole
in the bottom disintegrates.

Well, let's go get 'em

and collect
that sweet boat insurance.

Boat insurance?
Who insures a boat?

I thought the play was
life insurance.

What?

I took out a very aggressive
policy on Jeff.

Damn it, Roger,
we can't let them drown!

It's, uh, it's actually a pretty
important part of the plan.

The -- the, uh, crux,
if you will.

Ugh, forget it. They lived.

[ Panting ] That was horrible!
The boat just sank!

And the life jackets
didn't help at all!

It's like they're filled
with sand.

Roger!
It wasn't me!

Wait a minute.
[ Click ]

Cocaine!

Stan, do you know what
this means?!

I sure do.

It means all three of you
are going to prison.

Wait, what?