American Dad! (2005–…): Season 11, Episode 18 - Mine Struggle - full transcript

Stan!

You got to clean this goddamn patio!

♪ A lovely day ♪

Stan, I need you to
sign this permission slip

- for a school trip.
- Well, I'm a little busy

getting 20 years of crap off the patio.

Is Brett Ratner's career on the patio?

Oh-ho-ho! Burn!

Tell you what... You
sign my permission slip,

and I'll loan you my power washer.

You think it's strong
enough to do the job?



Let's just say the Statue of Liberty

uses it to shower...

which she doesn't do
often, 'cause she's French.

B-B-B-B-Burn!

You know that's paint thinner.

Yeah, nice try. I'm not going anywhere.

I souped it up with a little alien tech.

By alien, I mean Detroit.

Let's turn this country around.

Let's make things again.

Whoa!

Whoa! Roger!

- Nice, huh?
- No, shut it off!

Damn it, Roger!



Not used to holding a tool with
that kind of power, Stan?

I'm kidding.

I've seen yours while you were sleeping.

It's great.

- Oh...
- Oh...

- my...
- my...

- God.
- God.

Jinx! Now you can't talk till
I say your name, Stan.

Ah, damn it!

♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪

♪ I got a feelin' that it's
gonna be a wonderful day ♪

♪ The sun in the sky has
a smile on his face ♪

♪ And he's shinin' a
salute to the American race ♪

♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪

- ♪ Good... ♪
- ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪

Aah!

What the hell is that?

What's going on?!

You burning some punk-ass fools?

Do Hayley next. The yard!

Stan was cleaning the
patio with my power washer,

and it kind of got away from him.

Because it has a Trans
Am engine strapped to it.

You used to be stronger.

But, look. Stan struck something.

White, dusty oil?

Lawn dandruff?

A third ridiculous guess?

I think I know what this is.

Yep, that's salt.

It's a salt deposit.

Oh, my God!

Did you guys think it was cocaine?

Cocaine doesn't grow underground,
dumb-asses.

You got to make that
shit, with blood and sweat.

And a little bit of salt.

You got to cut it with
salt to hit your margins.

So I guess we have 1% of cocaine here.

And a big mess to clean up.

This isn't a mess.

This could be our future.

Is salt valuable?

I don't know.

No way.

Wendy Williams could
totally beat up Connie Chung.

Sure, sure, but, I
mean, no one was talking

about either of those
people before you said that.

I spoke to the Gordon Salt people,

and they said we might have a
valuable resource in our yard.

And if we do, they'd like to
pay us for the right to take it.

You mean mine it, like minerals?

Ha. If you want to talk
like a ground scientist.

- A geologist?
- What?

Wait, honey.

You want a functioning
salt mine in our backyard?

Well, I sure as heck don't
want a non-functioning one.

Stan, it's our yard.

Our sanctuary.

Our happy place.

We used to have treasure hunts

where you'd write clues for
me and hide them around the yard.

I know we're a family,

so we usually
pretend everyone gets a vote.

But, come on, guys. It's me.

I'm gonna do what I want.

And I want to see who that is.

Mr. Smith, we're with Gordon Salt.

Wow. You got here quick.

There was a police chase on
95, so we just drafted off that.

Good news, Mr. Smith...

A big shaft here would tap into
a significant vein of salt.

Hear that?

I'm gonna have a big veiny shaft.

Are they salt executives or genies?

Oh!

Did I miss a burn?

Please, excuse my family.

They have some concerns

about what exactly is
going to happen here.

Let me put you folks at ease.

Mr. Smith here will sign his
mineral rights over to us,

and we'll give him a big check.

Then we'll tear up your
yard, take all the salt out,

and fill in the hole when we're done...

if there's time...

which there won't be.

As long as there's time
to write that big check.

Mom, why are you switching sides?

Because now there's a side
that has a big check on it.

And just to be clear, you
mean a physically huge check?

I've always wanted to hold one of those.

Feel like I won a golf tournament

or I'm a landlord and
one of my tenants is a giant.

If you're looking to
buy our mineral rights,

you best be talking to
me... Steve, the legal owner.

I also have big news.

One of these guys stepped
in dog turd on the way in.

There's size-9 poo
spots all over the house.

Here's where I keep all
my important documents...

Big Wheel warranty,

construction schematics for
my Lego Millennium Falcon,

Barry's do-not-resuscitate order.

Ah! This!

Um, can you get your
shoes off my duvet, please?

This is a contract, signed
eight years ago,

transferring all mineral
rights on our property from Dad to me.

How is that possible?

Oh. I can explain.

Uh-Uh! You think I
brought you to my room

so you could do the talking?

"Your scavenger hunt has come to an end.

Your very last clue is on
the ladder, my schmend."

"Schmend"?

Wouldn't "friend" have
been the perfect rhyme?

You have a lot to
learn about schmendship.

Ooh! Treasure!

No, Steve, those aren't the treasure.

They're just the clue holder-downers.

But they're so shiny.

So is Hayley's forehead,

but you wouldn't call that a treasure.

Oh.

"Down the slide and in the ground,

your special
treasure you'll have found."

Ha ha!

Treasure!

No, that's just more rocks.

Oh, for God's sake.

That's the treasure.

Baseball cards.

Thanks, Dad.

Well, open 'em. Let's see who you got.

Must be some kind of mistake.

They're all the same card.

No variety.

Not like the rocks.

Oh, my God!

They're all Ken Griffey
Jr. Rookie cards.

They must be worth a fortune.

Francine, what have
you always wanted to buy?

We keep putting
off that procedure on my hip.

Right! A fan boat!

- Mwah!
- Um, Dad?

Isn't that my treasure?

Technically, yes.

But wouldn't you rather have
all the rocks in the whole yard?

That would be awesome!

But how would I get them all out?

You don't have to.

You see, Steve, owning
land can be different

than owning the
minerals inside that land.

So now you have the mineral rights.

And all I have are these
pieces of cardboard.

Sucker!

Okay, you're making me look bad, Steve.

'Cause after you called me a sucker,

I definitely threw you in the pool,

'cause I don't take that shit.

Nor should you.

But we're really more concerned
with the contract.

Please. That can't possibly
be legally binding.

I thought you might say that...

which is why I went down
to city hall this morning

and got it stamped.

Hmm. Yep, it's official.

And if anyone knows what's "official,"
it's a fish, y'all!

Look, we're here on
business, and you, young man,

are the person we should
be doing business with.

So there's still a big check.

It's just for Steve...

my favorite boy.

Our favorite boy.

Put 'Er there, son.

- Psych!
- Whoo!

No deal, mister.

Eight years ago, my
dad tried to rip me off.

Well, now I'm the one who's
gonna do the ripping...

and the tearing.

The ripping and the tearing,

right through his plan
to destroy our backyard.

- My backyard.
- My minerals.

- Listen, Jeremy, is it?
- Steve.

I respect the sexual
frustration behind your decision.

What?! No, no. That's not why I...

You're obviously a virgin.

That has nothing to do with...

But here's the thing, Jer-bear...

Gordon always gets its salt.

He's the virgin.

Not even close!

I've had sex with lots of girls.

Name one.

- Hi.
- Hey.

- What's that?
- It's a Lego Millennium Falcon...

minus a floor panel, which I'm

praying fell behind my trundle bed.

'Cause without it, Han
and Chewie are screwed

when they need to
hide from Imperial troops.

They'd just be sitting

in a wide-open smuggler's
hatch like idiots.

- You're fun and interesting.
- I am?!

Want to go out some time?

Um, sure!

I'm Steve. What's your name?

Whatever you want it to be.

Franci... Hold on.

This is all going too easily.

Wait. You look familiar.

Yellow raincoat, box of
salt leaking on your shoes...

blue umbrella!

You're the Gordon Salt Girl!

And she can be yours.

All you have to do is sign
over the mineral rights.

I already told you... No.

Seriously. She'll do
anything you want, or...

I'll do anything you want?

Stop.

You two may be dead inside, but I'm not.

I'm alive... with family memories

of barbecues and trying sports

and sweet, lazy Sunday afternoons.

Mr. Smith!

Sorry. It's just these people are...

Are you playing with Legos in my class?

I'm doing a build, if
that's what you're asking.

It's distracting.

So are the two adult
strangers in your class.

Nice try, Steve.

But us adults stick together.

Long day.

Yeah.

The Gordon people were all over...

No, I mean I had a long day.

I got hurt on our field trip.

We went to Mount
Vernon, so as you'd expect,

I got my arm busted by
a bunch of Hells Angels.

- Sign my cast?
- Sure.

No, no. Not there, not there.

Right there.

Got to leave room for Zachary and Ella.

I'm gonna have them
sign next to each other,

'cause then when I break them up,

Ella's gonna cry every
time she sees my cast,

and I'm gonna love it,

'cause she was such a bitch to
me at the lockers last week.

- I know this is all made up.
- Some of it.

Roger, leave Steve alone.

Thanks, Mom, but I already
have a chocolate milk martini.

This is a real martini.

It's okay. You're a man now.

A man with mineral rights.

Get drunk!

Then decide what to do with them.

I can't believe it!

You want me to sell
out to the salt people!

No! I want you to get drunk.

I believe that once you get drunk,

you'll sell out to the salt people.

But what about our family memories?

We'll buy new
memories... with all that salt money.

And we don't have to share
it with your dad.

In fact, we can give
him this poison martini.

Piss off, Francine.

I've got too much to live for,

knowing I still have my Ken
Griffey Jr. rookie cards.

Um, actually, you don't.

I put them in the
spokes of my bike last year.

But they were locked away in my safe.

Stan, honey, I hate
to break this to you,

but I am your safe.

- It's one of my personas.
- What?!

I'm also the downstairs toilet.

My cards!

Made me feel boss

when I was riding
down the street, flossin'!

You ruined them.

Those were my cards! Mine!

I hate this place!

So, we've had some difficulty
getting your son to play ball.

That's because he
can't play ball very well,

so he gets self-conscious about it.

You just need to start playing
like it's no big deal,

and eventually, he'll join in.

Charles.

You're a big meanie.

My God, are you the man of
your house, or aren't you?

Because a man wouldn't
let a boy's contract

stop him from making this deal.

But it's signed.

And stamped.

- You heard the fish.
- Oh.

I didn't want to come
to this. I really didn't.

What the hell is that?!

This, Mr. Smith, is the
original Gordon Salt Girl,

preserved by salt...

and angered by delays.

Get me that salt!

What are you doing?!

I believe the legal term is take-backs.

Destroying a young
boy's signed contract...

truly low, sir.

And exactly the kind of
thing I knew you'd do...

which is why...

I moved the real contract
to Snot's for safekeeping.

Well played, son.

You anticipated my
move and had the foresight

to stash the contract at
a secure off-site location.

Which begs the question,
why did you bring it home?

Well, I went to check on it,

and contrary to what I'd been assured,

Snot did not have a proper file cabinet.

Where was it? Like, on
his desk or something?

Yeah, with... Other
crap all over the place.

Yes. And it's not like something

was for sure going to happen to it.

- It's just...
- There's a right way to do things.

- Exactly.
- Totally get it.

Hey, Steve, did you know

there's a Lego
piece behind your dresser?

Looks like the door to
a smuggler's hatch.

All right, Dad!

As soon as this salt war is over,
I'll thank you properly!

Dad's trying to destroy the contract

so he can sell out to Gordon.

- Uh-huh.
- You got to help me.

- Do I?
- Of course you do.

You don't want a salt mine in our yard.

What about our
memories and the environment?

Hmm. I do love those things.

I also love the idea that if there's
a salt mine in the yard,

I can protest it without
getting out of bed.

Hayley, no!

Basically, this is the
lazy protester's dream.

So, why don't you
just give me the contract?

Ugh. Are you gonna
make me get out of bed?

Aah!

Mama? Wh... What's with the nails?

They're white...

like salt, Steve.

I came up with it when I realized salt

is the only white thing in the world!

Mom, that's not even close to true.

Let's you and me make it true!

Nowhere to run, son.

Or walk.

I think we can all do
this with just walking.

- Come on, Steve.
- Let's go, Steve.

Give it up, Steve.

What am I doing?

Why am I fighting for
our family memories

if my family won't fight with me?

I'm with you, Steve!

I'm totally alone in this.

You know what? You guys win.

If our memories are
meaningless, then so is this piece of paper.

I renounce it.

"Down the slide and in the ground,

your special
treasure you'll have found."

I remember that slide.

When I climbed to the top of it,

it felt like I was
climbing into the sky.

You had a big scary
slide like this, too?

Not your slide, Steve. My slide.

My dad wrote these clues
for me when I was a kid.

He'd hide them all over the
yard, and I'd look for them.

And when I was done, I'd
wake him up, if I could find him.

Wait, you just recycled your dad's game?

I haven't thought about that in years.

- What a great memory.
- Not for me.

It means all my treasure
hunts were just hand-me-downs.

From my awesome father.

What?! He abandoned you!

That man's a sociopath!

Quiet, Steve. I'm getting an idea.

Is it that family memories

are precious and should be protected?

Uh, duh!

But, also... try to follow me...

maybe we shouldn't let the
Gordon people mine our yard.

I've been saying that for a week!

Hope on the bandwagon,
Steve. There's plenty of room.

Now, I'm gonna call them and...

Wait! We've changed our minds!

This isn't just a patch of dirt.

It's a canvas on which we've painted

some of the most
wonderful moments of our lives.

That's beautiful, Mr. Smith.

I believe that I could
never buy the mineral rights

from you or your son.

Great.

So...

about my fence?

Which is why I bought
them from their actual owner.

Actual owner?! Whoa!

Who will it be, "American Dad!" fans?

Steve's teacher? Ken Griffey Jr.?

The Gordon exec who hasn't spoken yet?

Is it Snot, Barry, or Toshi,

who've all been conspicuously absent?

Is it me, the announcer?!

Oh, I look like Dracula, by the way.

Is it Principal Lewis?

Is it Francine's sexy sister, Gwen?

Is it Diane from an
upcoming episode about slot cars?

Suckboy Tony? James
Garfield? Robert Wuhl?

Tuttle, Buckle, Jackson,
Duper, Hooper, Dick, or Bullock?

Styles, Billy, Jack,
Meredith, Tom from the grocery store?

That sweet little boy from
"The Cleveland Show," Rallo?

It's me!

You're probably realizing now, Stan,

that permission slip you signed
was a mineral-rights lease.

But when it turned out Steve
was the real owner,

I broke my arm and plastered
another lease around my cast.

Sorry, kid, but you were
throwing away one hell of a score.

All right, people! Let's dig!

What? What?! There's no vein?!

We paid all that
money for just one scoop?!

Sir, there's been a report

of a gusher in Madison, Wisconsin.

Great. That's where I'm from.

We can stay with my mom.

She's got a bumper pool table.

And that, my friends, is
what we call the long con.

What are you talking about?

I planted that salt.

I set up this whole thing.

It was a sting, baby.

Oh, I've wanted to
screw Gordon Salt for years.

What on earth for?

Well, you know how my
Rabbi Itzhak character

likes to keep kosher?

A few years ago, the rebbe conducted
a surprise inspection

of a Gordon facility in Arizona

to confirm that their so-called
kosher salt was, indeed, kosher.

I'm not embarrassed to
say I wept and cried for mercy

as I was soundly beaten by the
girl behind the front desk.

But I vowed revenge.

So I bought a 40-pound bag of
salt and buried it in the yard,

bought the power washer
and slapped a Hemi on it,

and I waited for 3 1/2 years

for Stan to finally clean the patio.

The rest was a breeze.

Why didn't you just
let us in on the con?

I mean, you saw how it
was tearing us apart.

I couldn't trust you to be
cool when the stakes were so high.

How much did you make?

Let's see. After my salt
purchase, backhoe rental,

power washer, reconditioned V-8 engine,

hospital bills, notary
for the mineral lease,

plus the staff retreat in Park
City, I cleared 40 bucks.

That's nothing.

No. That's enough for a bag of charcoal.

I am going to remember this
day for a long time, honey.

Me too. It's perfect.

Almost. It could use a little more...

salt.

That's pretty good, Roger.

Why don't you toss me those tongs?

It's pepper.

Nope, it's sewage.

It's Steve's.