American Dad! (2005–…): Season 11, Episode 17 - Criss-Cross Applesauce: The Ballad of Billy Jesusworth - full transcript
Steve narrates/sings his day a la "Trapped in the Closet". Roger's basketball playing persona, "Billy Jesusworth", hurts his ankle and loses his faith in his skills. Stan uses that against him to get back at him for being called "old". They end up playing against each other in a basketball tournament, with Shaquille O'Neal as Roger's partner and Yao Ming as Stan's.
Roger, are those pumps?
Most def.
Headed down to the park
to play some ball.
Four pumps?!
Oh, your foot must be
floating right now!
Five pumps?
Is your other foot still at no pumps?
You're gonna die!
Roger, can I come play with you?
I'm trying to get some practice in
for the big two-on-two tourney.
Ha! You're playing
in the Uptown Throw-Down
to Dunk Away Malaria?
Um, 50 bucks on malaria.
Come on, I'm good!
I play at the rec center every Tuesday.
With those old guys?
Stan, you're what real ballers
refer to as an "old head."
You could never run with
a young blood like me.
I could keep up.
Aah!
Check you later, old head.
You don't have to be like that.
I know how that trick works.
It's not the same ball.
- Oh!
- Oh! - Oh!
Nice feed, Applesauce!
I got you all day, Rip!
Crisscross applesauce!
Wha?! How did he...
That's his signature move...
Crisscross applesauce.
That's why he rules
the playground, fool.
Crisscross applesauce!
Crisscross applesauce!
Crisscross apple...
Oh, my ankle!
Ooh, sweet Baby Jesus! Not Applesauce!
Noooooooooo!
Get up, Applesauce!
You gotta get up!
* Good morning, U.S.A. *
* I got a feelin' that it's
gonna be a wonderful day *
* The sun in the sky has
a smile on his face *
* And he's shinin' a salute
to the American race *
* Oh, boy, it's swell to say *
- * Good... *
- * Good morning, U.S.A. *
Aah!
* Good morning, U.S.A. *
* 3:30 in the afternoon *
* I should be doing my homework *
* Inside my own room *
* But bad luck *
* Got me all messed up *
* I'm in the locker room
and now I'm stuck *
* Guess I'm a goner now *
* See, I was walking,
Snot was talking *
* I remembered something *
* I'd forgotten to grab my wallet *
* Because I was rushing *
* Then he said, "I'm fittin'
to go to my grandma's house" *
* I shrugged and I turned around *
* Back to the school, * but then
who did I found? *
* Mertz *
* "Oh, no" *
* This is not who I want to see *
* Was running till I saw an opening *
* And now the whole soccer
team's bound to freak *
* She's approaching the locker *
* They're done practicing soccer *
* She's opening the locker *
* Wish there was some
way to block her *
I'm going down to the corner
to get drunk with the other losers.
Roger, I'm not so sure
about your new crew.
Oh, I guess you think
they're losers, huh?
Why are you going down there, anyway?
Because I got - a hairline
fracture in my leg.
I'm washed up!
Now I'm never gonna win the
two-on-two tournament.
That was my one true dream.
That doesn't mean your
life is over, Roger.
You're walking around fine.
Yeah, but the doctor says I can't ball.
Body can't handle
the quick cuts, the
spins, the crisscross.
And without the crisscross,
I'm just some guy yelling
about applesauce.
Stan, I'm worried about Roger.
Really? I'm more worried
about Frankenstein.
He's absolutely terrifying.
Come on, Stan.
Don't the guys at your
basketball game play slow
so no one gets hurt?
Oh, no! No way I'm inviting Roger.
I asked to play with him last week,
and he called me an old head.
Well, now he's the one who's old.
I could school him.
Actually...
Maybe Roger should come play with me.
Yeah. Maybe that's exactly what
old Roger needs right now.
Thank you, Stan.
But it worries me,
that bad-guy thing you're
doing with your hands.
Oh, does it?
Man, no one could guard me in my day.
I made fools look foolish.
You were straight up legend, E-Money.
- Roger!
- What's up? You need weed?
Get in the car.
Oh, he needs a little something else.
I'm gonna go blow this guy.
You on fire today, Applesauce!
* So these girls
pull me out of the locker *
* Talkin' about, "What the
hell you doing up in here?" *
* I'm like, "Hold up [bleep]
you need to lower your voice *
* Do I make myself clear?" *
* She like, "Whoa, who
you calling a [bleep]?"
* I'm like, "You" *
* She like, "Who?" *
* I'm like, "You, [bleep] *
* Wait, hold up, let me explain *
* All the shit I been going through *
* Now, let's start over *
* My name's Steve *
* It's nice to meet you, ladies" *
* "Cut that bullcrap, Steve *
* We know that you've
been acting shady *
* So, listen close *
* 'Cause this is what we are gonna go *
* When somebody's creeping,
we call in Jewel" *
* "Not Jewel" *
* "Yes, Jewel" *
* Oh, no *
* Jewel looks like a grown-ass man *
* 14 years old *
* At least 215 pounds *
* She's coming at me *
* And this is when things
start to get foolish *
* The roof caved in on top of her *
* Oh, my God, it's Lewis *
* Lewis, Lewis *
Stan, is this a basketball gym?
I told you, my playing days are over.
Yeah, but I was thinking maybe
this is more your speed.
I don't know, Stan.
You think I'll fit in?
Hey, everyone, I brought a new guy.
His name is... Billy Jesusworth.
Billy Jesusworth,
this is Jackson, Dick,
Buckle, Shaquille O'Neal.
Shaq plays here?
Us old heads got to get
some games whenever we can.
For me, it's all about the joy.
Buckle plays here?!
Stan! Easy, Stan.
Face!
Aagh!
Bucket! And the foul!
Why are you doing this to me?
Because you called me old.
You're the one who's old.
You're washed up.
What, so you just brought me
here to make me look stupid?
Damn, Stan.
And you said that guy was your friend.
That's cold-blooded.
Shaq could use someone like you
for the two-on-two tournament.
Hey, you serious right now?
Absolutely.
You seem like the
toughest dude out here.
You noticed!
Oh, my heart is soaring right now!
The far doors are locked.
I'm gonna try the other ones.
Hey, how was basketball?
Awesome! Shaquille O'Neal
asked me to be his partner
for the Uptown Throw-Down!
But the best part was
I totally schooled Roger.
Stan, the whole reason I asked
you to take Roger to your game
was to build his confidence.
As usual, your reason and
mine were totally different.
I took him because he
was being a dick to me
and I wanted to crush his will to live.
He's your friend. Look at him.
Stan, can you do me one last act
of kindness and start the car?
Fine. I'll take him back to
the game and I'll play nice.
But if I get the ball behind
the arc and I'm open,
I'm gonna drill threes over him.
I'm a shooter, and a
shooter gotta shoot.
Stan, I don't know basketball,
but I can tell by the
way you're talking
that you're not good at it.
* 3:47 in Principal Lewis' room *
* This fool is having a panic attack *
* I hope this is over soon *
* He was talking about *
* "Budget cuts *
* No pest control for months *
* I wasn't perving or
looking at butts *
* I was in the A.C., man,
hunting for rats *
* I swear to God" *
* "Man, that's
your business, not my business *
* I don't need no update" *
* "I got a new woman *
* So we need to get our
stories straight" *
* "We? What the
you talkin' 'bout, man? *
* There's no 'we'" *
* "Steve, if my
new woman hear about this *
* Man, she gon' leave" *
* "Wait, what the heck was that? *
* Sounded like a rat" *
* Then he pulled
out a Jericho 9 millimeter *
* Started busting *
* And just when I thought
it couldn't get more scary *
* When he opened the door *
* The rat turned out
to be Secretary Mary *
* Mary, Mary *
Listen, guys, after you
demoralized Billy yesterday,
he tried to kill himself.
Hey, me, too! No way!
I was thinking maybe this time
we could take it easy on him,
let him hit a couple shots.
Makes sense to me.
The Spurs won two NBA champions
because the commissioner was
worried Tim Duncan looked sad.
Shoot!
Shoot!
- Come on, Billy!
- Shoot!
Billy, I believe in you!
Swish!
Nice shot. You nailed it.
I did?!
Yeah, baby. That's automatic for me.
Dunk!
Nice assist, Shaq.
You guys can't leave me
and Shaq open like that.
We'll make you pay.
I'll take it from here.
Better grab a poncho, boys.
It's gonna be raining
from this spot all day.
* So, I'm speeding down the street *
* Reaching for my phone,
about to have a fit *
* I'm calling the one dude who can
help me out of this mess *
* Br-ring *
* "Come on, Snot, I need you *
* To pick up the damn
phone right now" *
* And the next part's so
jacked up that it hurts *
* The dude that picked up wasn't Snot *
* It was Mertz *
Hello?
Great news, everybody.
Heinrich asked me to be
his two-on-two partner.
Oh!
Nice ballin' today, Hooper.
Quit biting on my fake.
Dick, if you're gonna bank it,
better call glass.
Stan!
Stan, I just want to thank you.
I thought I was finished playing ball,
but you took the time to lift me up
and show me I could still hoop.
I am in your debt.
Well, I'm just glad to see
you back to your old self.
And you're a pretty good baller,
which is why I'm not going
to take you lightly
when I face you in the
tourney with my new partner,
Shaquille O'Neal!
But... but we're supposed
to play together.
Sorry, Stan.
I don't believe man's
fate is predetermined.
We're all endowed with free will.
And I'm using mine to
change basketball partners.
You knew he was my partner!
Shaquille, let's talk strategy.
Now, if you're uncomfortable
with me walking with my
arm around your waist,
I could also walk behind you
with my hands clasped in
front of your abdomen.
I love the Panda.
Double orange chicken,
all day, every day.
I know they called us
the Dream Team in '96,
but to me, the real Dream Team
is this beef and this broccoli.
You deserve this more than I do.
Oh, hello, Roger. Didn't
know I'd see you here.
Just came in because my new teammate
for the tourney was hungry.
Oh, have you met Yao Ming?
Yao Ming?!
But, uh, what?!
That's right. I got legendary
monster freak Yao Ming.
Hey, Shaq.
_
_
_
_
_
_
_
You're talking about me.
I know you're talking
about me, Shaquille.
_
_
_
So...
Yao and I are gonna team up.
Hope we're cool.
No, we're not cool!
Why would we be cool?!
This is your fault, Stan!
Shaq was my chance to get back
on top, and you ruined it!
I hate you!
* I'm tripping *
* What the heck is going on? *
* Maybe I called the wrong number *
* And got the wrong phone *
* But the doors are open *
* Smells like potpourri *
* I walk in, and what do I see? *
* Snot and Mertz playin' Risk *
* "I'm betrayed, my favorite game *
* You're playing with that bully *
* What, now y'all close? *
* Wait *
* You're drinking milk and cookies?" *
* Snot was like, "Listen" *
* "No-no, no, no, no" *
* "I can explain" *
* "Well, then, go ahead
and explain yourself" *
* Then Mertz jumped up, said *
* "I'll explain so that
you two will cool it *
* See, his dad died and my dad died *
* And Risk is therapeutic" *
* I was like, "Amen" *
* Snot was like, "Amen to that *
* I love Risk" *
* "I love Risk, too" *
* "Damn, y'all bonded over Risk *
* That's beautif... " *
* Principal Lewis kicked in the door *
* Waving a .44 *
* Talking about, "Don't speak,
don't move no more" *
* But Snot's mom came in and said *
* "Lewis, baby, put down that gun *
* And uncock it" *
* And that's when we noticed *
* They was wearing *
* The very same locket *
* Locket, locket *
* Locket *
You here to rub in the fact
that you cost me the most
important thing in my life?
You stole my partner after
I invited you into my game!
What kind of friend does that?
Oh, my God. You're right.
I just got crazy 'cause...
'cause I wanted to compete
at the highest level.
You still can... if we play together.
You and me?
Maybe if I was still Applesauce.
Roger, you don't need to be
Applesauce to be good.
Applesauce was a young blood.
He only succeeded on athleticism
and God-given talent.
True. True.
But you can learn to
play like an old head.
Those guys that play with us,
they all used to be young.
Buckle used to be able to dunk.
Really?
And Shaq used to play in the NBA.
No way!
But all those guys got old
and learned to change their style.
They learned to use their elbows,
they learned to grab
their opponents' jerseys
as they ran by.
And you can learn, too.
What do you say?
And so the lesson begins
* We love that basketball *
* Now rapping basketball...
number one, Kurtis Blow *
* Basketball is my favorite sport *
* I like the way they dribble
up and down the court *
* Just like I'm the king
on the microphone *
* So is Dr. J and Moses Malone *
* I like slam dunks and
takin' it to the hoop *
* My favorite play is the alley-oop *
We did it.
It was hard-fought,
and we were having so much fun,
we were halfway through the tournament
before I even realized
we were playing it.
But we did it!
We made it to the finals.
* Now we all on the floor *
* Feelin' clueless *
* It's hard to believe that
Snot's mom was banging Lewis *
* Then Lewis says *
* "It's been a hell of a day *
* I'm glad this whole thing is out *
* Wait, why you wearing a negligee? *
* How'd you even know that
you was fittin' to see me? *
* And whose clothes are those
thrown over the TV?" *
* And Snot's mom was like *
* "But... b-b-b-b" *
* Stuttering all over the place *
* And Lewis says, "Girl,
unless you got Parkinson's *
* Start talking straight" *
* "Baby, is everything okay?" *
* "Wait, hold up *
* I know this ain't the
dude that's the reason *
* For the cabaret lingerie" *
* Then Lewis
starts waving his gun around *
* And busting shots off in the closet *
* Then Greg fell out, cried, "Avery *
* How could you be so dishonest?" *
* Snot's mom screamed *
* Now Greg's pager's flashing blue *
* He says, "My bae's got a clue" *
* Next thing, his man is in the room *
* Seven minutes later,
12 adults with they guns out *
* Talking about, "You [bleep]
her and I [bleep] him" *
* While they all scream and shout *
* But then... *
* Principal Lewis started laughing *
* Just sitting there, giggling
to himself, just laughing *
* He said "Well, now that
* We've all made the connection *
* I hope everybody was
using protection" *
* And they all started laughing
because, of course, nobody had *
* Snot's mom, Greg, and Stelio *
* And this new couple...
Gina and Chad *
* They was all just laughin' *
* Just giggling and laughin' *
* And we snuck out
while they was laughin' *
Steve, I don't know
why you're telling me this now,
and I don't know why you're
singing the whole story,
but your dad and Roger are
about to play in the finals.
Okay, singing may have
been a bad choice.
But that's a crazy story, right?
Wait...
Did Lewis murder his secretary?
The finals, Hayley!
Okay, every basket is one point.
First team to 11, wins.
Whoever catches this has to kiss me.
* Slam, da-da-dat *
Can't pass where you can't see!
* Let the boys be boys *
* Slam, slam *
* Da-da-dat *
* Da-da-dat *
* Let the boys be boys *
Man, these guys are good.
I got a plan.
The next time Shaq goes to the rim,
let him dunk.
Hey, Shaq, looks like the only
thing you're dunking these days
is doughnuts!
Oh! Up top, ref!
Aah!
This thing crushed my legs.
Who says an old head
can't learn a new trick?
And now that Yao doesn't
have a teammate,
I guess we win by forfeit.
Wait. I will beat them by myself.
He speaks English.
* Look for the hook *
* Look for the hook *
* Everybody, everybody,
here comes the hook *
* Look for the hook *
* Look for the hook *
* Everybody, everybody,
here comes the hook *
* Back to the studio
to make another hit *
* On the tip of being funky *
* This is funky as it get *
* If ya trip, watch your lip *
* With a quick fast and tip fast *
* Like I did when I... *
This is it, Roger.
We need one basket.
One basket to win it all.
And we've got trick left.
Stan, I can't blow this guy
in front of all these people.
No!
Crisscross applesauce.
But, Stan, I'm too old for that move.
No, you're not.
You may be an old head,
but your heart pumps young blood.
Hell yeah, it does! Forget that doctor!
Doctors are stupid, Roger.
They're just failed dentists.
Crisscross applesau... Aah!
Yao, stop!
The doctor said your
leg was gonna break
if you ever tried that move.
And Yao had been
guarding you close all day.
It was simple math to know
that your exposed bone
would pierce his calf and take him out.
Great call, Stan.
And we got the hardware, baby!
Mwah!
We should have been champions.
This is a Shaq-rage!
You did your best,
but you came up a little short.
There's always next year.
What? Who are you?
Oh, guys. I'm Klaus.
Most def.
Headed down to the park
to play some ball.
Four pumps?!
Oh, your foot must be
floating right now!
Five pumps?
Is your other foot still at no pumps?
You're gonna die!
Roger, can I come play with you?
I'm trying to get some practice in
for the big two-on-two tourney.
Ha! You're playing
in the Uptown Throw-Down
to Dunk Away Malaria?
Um, 50 bucks on malaria.
Come on, I'm good!
I play at the rec center every Tuesday.
With those old guys?
Stan, you're what real ballers
refer to as an "old head."
You could never run with
a young blood like me.
I could keep up.
Aah!
Check you later, old head.
You don't have to be like that.
I know how that trick works.
It's not the same ball.
- Oh!
- Oh! - Oh!
Nice feed, Applesauce!
I got you all day, Rip!
Crisscross applesauce!
Wha?! How did he...
That's his signature move...
Crisscross applesauce.
That's why he rules
the playground, fool.
Crisscross applesauce!
Crisscross applesauce!
Crisscross apple...
Oh, my ankle!
Ooh, sweet Baby Jesus! Not Applesauce!
Noooooooooo!
Get up, Applesauce!
You gotta get up!
* Good morning, U.S.A. *
* I got a feelin' that it's
gonna be a wonderful day *
* The sun in the sky has
a smile on his face *
* And he's shinin' a salute
to the American race *
* Oh, boy, it's swell to say *
- * Good... *
- * Good morning, U.S.A. *
Aah!
* Good morning, U.S.A. *
* 3:30 in the afternoon *
* I should be doing my homework *
* Inside my own room *
* But bad luck *
* Got me all messed up *
* I'm in the locker room
and now I'm stuck *
* Guess I'm a goner now *
* See, I was walking,
Snot was talking *
* I remembered something *
* I'd forgotten to grab my wallet *
* Because I was rushing *
* Then he said, "I'm fittin'
to go to my grandma's house" *
* I shrugged and I turned around *
* Back to the school, * but then
who did I found? *
* Mertz *
* "Oh, no" *
* This is not who I want to see *
* Was running till I saw an opening *
* And now the whole soccer
team's bound to freak *
* She's approaching the locker *
* They're done practicing soccer *
* She's opening the locker *
* Wish there was some
way to block her *
I'm going down to the corner
to get drunk with the other losers.
Roger, I'm not so sure
about your new crew.
Oh, I guess you think
they're losers, huh?
Why are you going down there, anyway?
Because I got - a hairline
fracture in my leg.
I'm washed up!
Now I'm never gonna win the
two-on-two tournament.
That was my one true dream.
That doesn't mean your
life is over, Roger.
You're walking around fine.
Yeah, but the doctor says I can't ball.
Body can't handle
the quick cuts, the
spins, the crisscross.
And without the crisscross,
I'm just some guy yelling
about applesauce.
Stan, I'm worried about Roger.
Really? I'm more worried
about Frankenstein.
He's absolutely terrifying.
Come on, Stan.
Don't the guys at your
basketball game play slow
so no one gets hurt?
Oh, no! No way I'm inviting Roger.
I asked to play with him last week,
and he called me an old head.
Well, now he's the one who's old.
I could school him.
Actually...
Maybe Roger should come play with me.
Yeah. Maybe that's exactly what
old Roger needs right now.
Thank you, Stan.
But it worries me,
that bad-guy thing you're
doing with your hands.
Oh, does it?
Man, no one could guard me in my day.
I made fools look foolish.
You were straight up legend, E-Money.
- Roger!
- What's up? You need weed?
Get in the car.
Oh, he needs a little something else.
I'm gonna go blow this guy.
You on fire today, Applesauce!
* So these girls
pull me out of the locker *
* Talkin' about, "What the
hell you doing up in here?" *
* I'm like, "Hold up [bleep]
you need to lower your voice *
* Do I make myself clear?" *
* She like, "Whoa, who
you calling a [bleep]?"
* I'm like, "You" *
* She like, "Who?" *
* I'm like, "You, [bleep] *
* Wait, hold up, let me explain *
* All the shit I been going through *
* Now, let's start over *
* My name's Steve *
* It's nice to meet you, ladies" *
* "Cut that bullcrap, Steve *
* We know that you've
been acting shady *
* So, listen close *
* 'Cause this is what we are gonna go *
* When somebody's creeping,
we call in Jewel" *
* "Not Jewel" *
* "Yes, Jewel" *
* Oh, no *
* Jewel looks like a grown-ass man *
* 14 years old *
* At least 215 pounds *
* She's coming at me *
* And this is when things
start to get foolish *
* The roof caved in on top of her *
* Oh, my God, it's Lewis *
* Lewis, Lewis *
Stan, is this a basketball gym?
I told you, my playing days are over.
Yeah, but I was thinking maybe
this is more your speed.
I don't know, Stan.
You think I'll fit in?
Hey, everyone, I brought a new guy.
His name is... Billy Jesusworth.
Billy Jesusworth,
this is Jackson, Dick,
Buckle, Shaquille O'Neal.
Shaq plays here?
Us old heads got to get
some games whenever we can.
For me, it's all about the joy.
Buckle plays here?!
Stan! Easy, Stan.
Face!
Aagh!
Bucket! And the foul!
Why are you doing this to me?
Because you called me old.
You're the one who's old.
You're washed up.
What, so you just brought me
here to make me look stupid?
Damn, Stan.
And you said that guy was your friend.
That's cold-blooded.
Shaq could use someone like you
for the two-on-two tournament.
Hey, you serious right now?
Absolutely.
You seem like the
toughest dude out here.
You noticed!
Oh, my heart is soaring right now!
The far doors are locked.
I'm gonna try the other ones.
Hey, how was basketball?
Awesome! Shaquille O'Neal
asked me to be his partner
for the Uptown Throw-Down!
But the best part was
I totally schooled Roger.
Stan, the whole reason I asked
you to take Roger to your game
was to build his confidence.
As usual, your reason and
mine were totally different.
I took him because he
was being a dick to me
and I wanted to crush his will to live.
He's your friend. Look at him.
Stan, can you do me one last act
of kindness and start the car?
Fine. I'll take him back to
the game and I'll play nice.
But if I get the ball behind
the arc and I'm open,
I'm gonna drill threes over him.
I'm a shooter, and a
shooter gotta shoot.
Stan, I don't know basketball,
but I can tell by the
way you're talking
that you're not good at it.
* 3:47 in Principal Lewis' room *
* This fool is having a panic attack *
* I hope this is over soon *
* He was talking about *
* "Budget cuts *
* No pest control for months *
* I wasn't perving or
looking at butts *
* I was in the A.C., man,
hunting for rats *
* I swear to God" *
* "Man, that's
your business, not my business *
* I don't need no update" *
* "I got a new woman *
* So we need to get our
stories straight" *
* "We? What the
you talkin' 'bout, man? *
* There's no 'we'" *
* "Steve, if my
new woman hear about this *
* Man, she gon' leave" *
* "Wait, what the heck was that? *
* Sounded like a rat" *
* Then he pulled
out a Jericho 9 millimeter *
* Started busting *
* And just when I thought
it couldn't get more scary *
* When he opened the door *
* The rat turned out
to be Secretary Mary *
* Mary, Mary *
Listen, guys, after you
demoralized Billy yesterday,
he tried to kill himself.
Hey, me, too! No way!
I was thinking maybe this time
we could take it easy on him,
let him hit a couple shots.
Makes sense to me.
The Spurs won two NBA champions
because the commissioner was
worried Tim Duncan looked sad.
Shoot!
Shoot!
- Come on, Billy!
- Shoot!
Billy, I believe in you!
Swish!
Nice shot. You nailed it.
I did?!
Yeah, baby. That's automatic for me.
Dunk!
Nice assist, Shaq.
You guys can't leave me
and Shaq open like that.
We'll make you pay.
I'll take it from here.
Better grab a poncho, boys.
It's gonna be raining
from this spot all day.
* So, I'm speeding down the street *
* Reaching for my phone,
about to have a fit *
* I'm calling the one dude who can
help me out of this mess *
* Br-ring *
* "Come on, Snot, I need you *
* To pick up the damn
phone right now" *
* And the next part's so
jacked up that it hurts *
* The dude that picked up wasn't Snot *
* It was Mertz *
Hello?
Great news, everybody.
Heinrich asked me to be
his two-on-two partner.
Oh!
Nice ballin' today, Hooper.
Quit biting on my fake.
Dick, if you're gonna bank it,
better call glass.
Stan!
Stan, I just want to thank you.
I thought I was finished playing ball,
but you took the time to lift me up
and show me I could still hoop.
I am in your debt.
Well, I'm just glad to see
you back to your old self.
And you're a pretty good baller,
which is why I'm not going
to take you lightly
when I face you in the
tourney with my new partner,
Shaquille O'Neal!
But... but we're supposed
to play together.
Sorry, Stan.
I don't believe man's
fate is predetermined.
We're all endowed with free will.
And I'm using mine to
change basketball partners.
You knew he was my partner!
Shaquille, let's talk strategy.
Now, if you're uncomfortable
with me walking with my
arm around your waist,
I could also walk behind you
with my hands clasped in
front of your abdomen.
I love the Panda.
Double orange chicken,
all day, every day.
I know they called us
the Dream Team in '96,
but to me, the real Dream Team
is this beef and this broccoli.
You deserve this more than I do.
Oh, hello, Roger. Didn't
know I'd see you here.
Just came in because my new teammate
for the tourney was hungry.
Oh, have you met Yao Ming?
Yao Ming?!
But, uh, what?!
That's right. I got legendary
monster freak Yao Ming.
Hey, Shaq.
_
_
_
_
_
_
_
You're talking about me.
I know you're talking
about me, Shaquille.
_
_
_
So...
Yao and I are gonna team up.
Hope we're cool.
No, we're not cool!
Why would we be cool?!
This is your fault, Stan!
Shaq was my chance to get back
on top, and you ruined it!
I hate you!
* I'm tripping *
* What the heck is going on? *
* Maybe I called the wrong number *
* And got the wrong phone *
* But the doors are open *
* Smells like potpourri *
* I walk in, and what do I see? *
* Snot and Mertz playin' Risk *
* "I'm betrayed, my favorite game *
* You're playing with that bully *
* What, now y'all close? *
* Wait *
* You're drinking milk and cookies?" *
* Snot was like, "Listen" *
* "No-no, no, no, no" *
* "I can explain" *
* "Well, then, go ahead
and explain yourself" *
* Then Mertz jumped up, said *
* "I'll explain so that
you two will cool it *
* See, his dad died and my dad died *
* And Risk is therapeutic" *
* I was like, "Amen" *
* Snot was like, "Amen to that *
* I love Risk" *
* "I love Risk, too" *
* "Damn, y'all bonded over Risk *
* That's beautif... " *
* Principal Lewis kicked in the door *
* Waving a .44 *
* Talking about, "Don't speak,
don't move no more" *
* But Snot's mom came in and said *
* "Lewis, baby, put down that gun *
* And uncock it" *
* And that's when we noticed *
* They was wearing *
* The very same locket *
* Locket, locket *
* Locket *
You here to rub in the fact
that you cost me the most
important thing in my life?
You stole my partner after
I invited you into my game!
What kind of friend does that?
Oh, my God. You're right.
I just got crazy 'cause...
'cause I wanted to compete
at the highest level.
You still can... if we play together.
You and me?
Maybe if I was still Applesauce.
Roger, you don't need to be
Applesauce to be good.
Applesauce was a young blood.
He only succeeded on athleticism
and God-given talent.
True. True.
But you can learn to
play like an old head.
Those guys that play with us,
they all used to be young.
Buckle used to be able to dunk.
Really?
And Shaq used to play in the NBA.
No way!
But all those guys got old
and learned to change their style.
They learned to use their elbows,
they learned to grab
their opponents' jerseys
as they ran by.
And you can learn, too.
What do you say?
And so the lesson begins
* We love that basketball *
* Now rapping basketball...
number one, Kurtis Blow *
* Basketball is my favorite sport *
* I like the way they dribble
up and down the court *
* Just like I'm the king
on the microphone *
* So is Dr. J and Moses Malone *
* I like slam dunks and
takin' it to the hoop *
* My favorite play is the alley-oop *
We did it.
It was hard-fought,
and we were having so much fun,
we were halfway through the tournament
before I even realized
we were playing it.
But we did it!
We made it to the finals.
* Now we all on the floor *
* Feelin' clueless *
* It's hard to believe that
Snot's mom was banging Lewis *
* Then Lewis says *
* "It's been a hell of a day *
* I'm glad this whole thing is out *
* Wait, why you wearing a negligee? *
* How'd you even know that
you was fittin' to see me? *
* And whose clothes are those
thrown over the TV?" *
* And Snot's mom was like *
* "But... b-b-b-b" *
* Stuttering all over the place *
* And Lewis says, "Girl,
unless you got Parkinson's *
* Start talking straight" *
* "Baby, is everything okay?" *
* "Wait, hold up *
* I know this ain't the
dude that's the reason *
* For the cabaret lingerie" *
* Then Lewis
starts waving his gun around *
* And busting shots off in the closet *
* Then Greg fell out, cried, "Avery *
* How could you be so dishonest?" *
* Snot's mom screamed *
* Now Greg's pager's flashing blue *
* He says, "My bae's got a clue" *
* Next thing, his man is in the room *
* Seven minutes later,
12 adults with they guns out *
* Talking about, "You [bleep]
her and I [bleep] him" *
* While they all scream and shout *
* But then... *
* Principal Lewis started laughing *
* Just sitting there, giggling
to himself, just laughing *
* He said "Well, now that
* We've all made the connection *
* I hope everybody was
using protection" *
* And they all started laughing
because, of course, nobody had *
* Snot's mom, Greg, and Stelio *
* And this new couple...
Gina and Chad *
* They was all just laughin' *
* Just giggling and laughin' *
* And we snuck out
while they was laughin' *
Steve, I don't know
why you're telling me this now,
and I don't know why you're
singing the whole story,
but your dad and Roger are
about to play in the finals.
Okay, singing may have
been a bad choice.
But that's a crazy story, right?
Wait...
Did Lewis murder his secretary?
The finals, Hayley!
Okay, every basket is one point.
First team to 11, wins.
Whoever catches this has to kiss me.
* Slam, da-da-dat *
Can't pass where you can't see!
* Let the boys be boys *
* Slam, slam *
* Da-da-dat *
* Da-da-dat *
* Let the boys be boys *
Man, these guys are good.
I got a plan.
The next time Shaq goes to the rim,
let him dunk.
Hey, Shaq, looks like the only
thing you're dunking these days
is doughnuts!
Oh! Up top, ref!
Aah!
This thing crushed my legs.
Who says an old head
can't learn a new trick?
And now that Yao doesn't
have a teammate,
I guess we win by forfeit.
Wait. I will beat them by myself.
He speaks English.
* Look for the hook *
* Look for the hook *
* Everybody, everybody,
here comes the hook *
* Look for the hook *
* Look for the hook *
* Everybody, everybody,
here comes the hook *
* Back to the studio
to make another hit *
* On the tip of being funky *
* This is funky as it get *
* If ya trip, watch your lip *
* With a quick fast and tip fast *
* Like I did when I... *
This is it, Roger.
We need one basket.
One basket to win it all.
And we've got trick left.
Stan, I can't blow this guy
in front of all these people.
No!
Crisscross applesauce.
But, Stan, I'm too old for that move.
No, you're not.
You may be an old head,
but your heart pumps young blood.
Hell yeah, it does! Forget that doctor!
Doctors are stupid, Roger.
They're just failed dentists.
Crisscross applesau... Aah!
Yao, stop!
The doctor said your
leg was gonna break
if you ever tried that move.
And Yao had been
guarding you close all day.
It was simple math to know
that your exposed bone
would pierce his calf and take him out.
Great call, Stan.
And we got the hardware, baby!
Mwah!
We should have been champions.
This is a Shaq-rage!
You did your best,
but you came up a little short.
There's always next year.
What? Who are you?
Oh, guys. I'm Klaus.