American Dad! (2005–…): Season 10, Episode 9 - My Affair Lady - full transcript

So, how much weed
do you want to buy?

Buy? Aren't you gonna
give me some?

Come on, we've been making out
all night.

No.
I'm a drug dealer.

I only make out with customers
to make sure they're not cops.

Cops can't legally make out

with people
they're not in love with.

Look, I don't have any money
right now

'cause I recently became
unemployed five years ago.

No job?
What a loser.

You're what's wrong
with this country.



Well, what's wrong with drugs is
they go straight to your head.

I stayed under for five minutes,
and I saved the bag of weed.

Winner, winner, weed for dinner!

Oh, Hayley, look at you.
All-time low.

What?
No, that's my best day in...

Oh, my God.
A drug dealer called me a loser.

For the fourth time
in three months.

This one feels like rock bottom.

It is.

But lucky for you,
I'm working out a new persona.

Lavarr Crush, life coach.

What do you do
when life gets you down?

Crush it.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!



Like I said, I'm working it out.

Arbuckle T. Boone,
life coach.

Who'd you used to be with?
Lavarr Crush?

Lavarr Crush is shit.

I went to life-coach school
with him. He's a hack.

♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪

♪ I got a feelin' that
it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪

♪ the sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ♪

♪ and he's shinin' a salute
to the American race ♪

♪ oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪

♪ good -- ♪
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪

I'm always interested to know

how applicants
hear about our company.

Well, it's, um, it's kind of
embarrassing, but, um...

well...I have a life coach,
and he said you were hiring.

That is embarrassing.

But we are hiring.
And we only hire the best.

Hmm.
You're not the best.

Sir, m-my résumé
may be short on experience,

and it might not be
my name on the top,

and I'm not as familiar
with Windows 95

as that person is...

But as long as you don't have me
making résumés,

you will not regret this.

You're passionate.
You remind me of a younger me.

Sure, my hair was
a little longer

and my Ann Taylor suit
a little more maroon,

but everything else
is a dead-on match.

You're hired.

Now, about your pay.

I'm hoping this might entice you
to come aboard.

Whoo-hoo!

Record greeting at the beep.

You've reached
Hayley Smith's office.

Please leave a message
at the beep.

Ugh, boring.

Hey, fool,
this is Mr. T,

and I pity you if you don't
leave a message for Hayley.

This is
Gilbert Gottfried, and I agree.

You must be the new hire.

And I must say,

your Gilbert Gottfried
is...flawless.

Hi. Y-yes.
Hayley is me.

Ax Jenkins.

Just wanted to welcome you
to the company.

Here's everything
you need to know.

Mary is sweet,
but she'll talk your ear off.

That's Carl.

He denies it,

but we're pretty sure
he's one of the jerky boys.

And everyone hates Andrew.
I don't know why.

Someone told me that
when I first started,

so I just went with it.

He is the worst.

Anyway, welcome
to corporate America.

See you for cake
during your birth month.

Thanks.

Hey, there.
I'm Andrew.

Yeah, nice try.

You're gonna fit in great here.

I'm not sure about this dance.

I don't think my date
really wants to go with me.

Steve, it's a mother/son dance.
Of course she wants to go.

Oh, mother,
you look so beautiful.

Yeah, yeah.
Let's just get this over with.

Can't believe I'm going
to a dance with a nerd.

Your chariot awaits.

I'm gonna totally nail
your date later.

I'm so happy you got a job.

Another Arbuckle T. Boone
success story

for the first time.

Oh, it's great.

There's a whole room
full of markers you can huff.

And I even met a cute guy.

Oh, a cute co-worker.

Sounds like you're following
my system to a "T."

That's the "T"
in Arbuckle T. Boone.

Step one is a job.
Step two is a man.

Step three
is a baby with that man

so you can quit step one.

It's just three steps.

You can really wrap your head
around it.

Unlike all those other systems.

I don't know.
I-I just got my first real job.

I mean, should I really
be messing around

with one of my co-workers?

I'm your life coach.
This is life.

Have I steered you wrong yet?

It's true.

You got to play the hot hand,
Hayley.

He's batting a thousand.
He's one for one.

And I'm always afraid
that when I turn on my car,

it's gonna blow up.

And when it doesn't,
it's like, "Wow, Mary!

The world does
want you here."

Hey. Since you don't know
where everything is yet,

I brought you some coffee.

Oh, thanks.

Just trying to impress
the only girl in the office

who looks good
in a business suit.

Well, this is what 40 bucks
gets you at sears.

Well, this and two tires.

Attention, everyone.

I have a big announcement
to make.

So maybe stop stuffing
your fat face for one second

and listen, Andrew!

It's come to my attention that,
as of this quarter,

we have dropped

to the number-two
industrial-solvent distributor

in East Chimdale.

Number two.
Which is also known as shit!

But I'm not mad.
We just need to get back on top.

So, I'm taking the company on
a corporate retreat to Belize,

leaving now.

Food, clothing, necessities,
everything will be provided.

I even got banana chips
for the plane.

Whoo! Whoo!

Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!

That's so great!

Fisher automotive,
Trish speaking.

Hey, Roger. So, I think
I may be moving on to step two.

Please hold for Arbuckle.

Arbuckle here.

What am I hearing
about step two?

Well, my company's going on
a corporate retreat to Belize.

Sounds like you're moving on
to step three, girl.

You do know what
Belize's number-one export is?

Sugar cane?
Sex memories.

I mean, I definitely like him.

And it would be fun to hook up

in a foreign country
that isn't Mexico.

You know what?
I'm gonna do it.

I'm gonna go for it.

She's gonna sleep with Ax.

Ooh, this is so exciting.

No girl forgets
the 88th time she has sex.

♪ Mmm, yeah ♪

♪ I used to think
maybe you loved me ♪

♪ now, baby, I'm sure ♪

♪ and I just can't wait ♪

♪ till the day
when you knock on my door ♪

♪ Now every time I go for the mailbox ♪

♪ gotta hold myself down ♪

Hey, you.
I was wondering where you were.

Is this seat --
Taken!

I already called her
as a plane buddy.

Our bodies will melt together
if the plane blows up.

Okay.
I'll see you when we land.

Love him.

He's handsome, funny,
and he works like the rest of us

even though his family
is super rich.

There's not
a doubt in my mind --

he is one of the world's
most eligible bachelors.

Yeah.
He is pretty great.

His wife's one lucky woman.

Wife?!

Yep.

Hey, can you help me
with this crossword clue?

What does the word
"eligible" mean?

Oh, and also "bachelor"?

Hey, is everything all right?

You didn't say a word to me
the whole trip here.

Well, I figured
if you wanted to talk,

you could have called your wife.

Can you "Belize" we made it?

Go yourself.

Hello?

Hi. I'm calling
on behalf of Mr. Boone.

He's wondering if anything
went down between you and Ax.

Yeah, it's not gonna happen.
He's married.

What?! He's married?
That's a deal breaker.

Give me that! Arbuckle here.
So what if he's married?

Lots of us are married.
You're married.

All the good ones are married.
Haven't you heard that?

It's not happening, Roger.

Look, I'm mad enough
I even let myself like this guy.

I'm your life coach.

I've drawn up the play.
Run it.

Hit a home run
into the winning basket.

Five points.

Okay, that was super rude.

Hey, there he is!

Fun dance last night,
huh, kiddo?

Oh, was it?
Was it a fun dance?

Well, yeah. I thought
we had a wonderful time.

No, you had a wonderful time
'cause you stole my date!

You made me look like an idiot.

I was the only boy
not dancing with his mother!

Counterpoint --

I was the only chauffeur
who got laid last night.

Ohhh! I'm throwing away
your business card!

And what about mark?
His mom died in a fire.

He had to dance with
his court-appointed guardian.

I refuse to feel bad about this.

This company retreat

is all about getting us back
to number one.

Number one!

So does anyone have
any suggestions?

Um, I think we need
more honesty between co-workers.

Honesty.

Eh. Okay.

I'll start.
I don't know what grapes are.

Who's next?

Go quick.
I'm feeling very vulnerable.

Listen, Hayley,

my wife and I haven't been
intimate for a long time.

There are reasons
why I can't leave her,

but it is a marriage
in name only.

I really like you,

and I think
if you got to know me,

you'd like me, too.

I'm sorry, Ax.
You're married.

I ca-- I can't do it.

Just do it!

That's the mantra
of our next speaker,

Nike chairman Mr. Phil Knight.

Just do it, Hayley! And others.

Hey, you're not Phil Knight.
That's right.

I'm gonna need a new check
made out to Arbuckle T. Boone,

life coach to the stars.

I'm the man who keeps the cast
of "Melissa & Joey"

from killing themselves weekly.

Now, let's pair up.

What are you doing?

I got you the job.
Now I'm getting you the man.

You and you, you're a team.

And you owe me $80,000.
I'll take that in hams.

I'm gonna start a ham business.

Unless you've already written
the check.

Check's probably better
than hams.

You know what?
I'll take either one.

Money, hams,
whatever you got on you.

I really shouldn't negotiate
when I'm hungry.

♪ Trust ♪

♪ who do ya? ♪

♪ Trust ♪

♪ what makes you
a real lover? ♪

♪ Trust ♪

♪ I put this question
to you, girl ♪

♪ 'cause I want you
to be with me ♪

♪ love ♪

♪ you cannot imagine ♪

♪ how much
I want to give to you ♪

♪ hot ♪

♪ gettin' so excited ♪

♪ just thinkin' about
all we could do ♪

♪ dig it now ♪

So, this is me.

And, uh...
Oh, I'm right next door.

Yeah. Our -- our doors are --
are really close together.

It's almost like
they're kissing.

Hope they don't run off
in the night together

and someone comes
and murders us.

Yeah.

Right?

I guess we should say
good night.

Yeah. I-I think
we probably should.

Well...good night,
then.

What? Sorry?
You say something?

Oh, no. Sorry.
I-I thought you --

Oh, no.
No, I, uh...

Okay.

Don't freak out.
Aah!

Okay, I told you explicitly
not to freak out.

Speaking of not listening to me,

why are you not next door
grinding the Ax?

Ha!
I just thought of that.

Sometimes they just come to me.

I call them little gifts
from the universe.

She's not with him
because she knows it's wrong.

I'm beginning to think --
and I'm loath to say this,

because I don't want people
to say, "Klaus is a hater."

I get enough of that crap
as it is.

But I'm beginning to think

Arbuckle T. Boone is not
a good life coach.

Hater!

You know,
so what if he's married?

I-I'm married,
but Jeff's up in space.

I deserve
to have someone I like.

On earth.

Ugh, just go do it already.

Oh, and record it.
Just the audio.

I got plenty of video,
short on audio.

Need more audio.

Roger, how can you encourage
Hayley to have an affair?

Cheating is wrong.

Yeah. Naming a man "Courtney"
is wrong.

A blond Asian is wrong.
Cheating is fun.

It most certainly is not fun.

I know...because I've been
on the other side.

You see, I was once cheated on.

Elsa was my first love.

We met at university.

You mean you met in college.

You're in the states now.
Say it the right way.

So, Elsa and I met
at university.

Oh, I hate it!

We were in love, she and I.

And she supported me

through years
of constant ski-jump training.

The Olympics.

That's where
I was going to propose to her.

But I had no idea
that the Olympic village

would be a roiling cesspool
of infidelity.

Perfect humans
with perfect bodies

getting whatever they wanted
whenever they wanted it.

I would never wish what happened
next on my worst enemy.

Walking in on my girlfriend

with the entire
east German bobsled team.

Push! Push! Push!

Lean left! Right!

Left again!
Faster!

Not too fast!

Okay,
everyone think about luge.

I was devastated.

So that's why you can't be
with a married man.

Roger, what are you doing?

Calling
my 4-year-old nephew

to tell him he's no longer
the worst storyteller I know.

Hayley, do you like this guy?

Yeah. B-but --

So he's married.
That's not your problem.

That's his life coach's problem.

All I'm saying is,

where did not sleeping
with married men get you?

Running from drug dealers.

So, go next door and get yours.

Which is someone else's.

You're amazing.

I know this is crazy,
but it just feels so right.

Let's get you out
of those wet clothes.

What?

Aah!

Oh, my God.
What the hell's that?

Oh, the tattoo.

Yeah, that's my wife.

Don't worry.

The way I have sex,
you won't be seeing her much.

That's your wife?
That's who you're married to?

Yes, that's Rosalyn.

Of course,
that's her in her prime.

Before the accident.

So, you --
you live with your wife?

Like...all the time?

Yeah.
I mean, much of the time

she's out of town
for her experimental treatments.

There it is.

Question --
so, before the accident,

this, uh, worked for you?

Yeah. I mean...

clearly, I have a type.

You're the wife?!

Oh, you saw the tattoo.

But that means
you got him naked!

Huh. You know,
I'm surprised

you're a have-sex-with-
the-lights-on person.

Well, I don't care
how disgusting it was

as long as there was
100% insertion.

It didn't happen!

Roger, what the hell
is going on?!

Okay, how far back
do you want me to go?

To when I pretended
to be a life coach

to get you a job
so you could meet Ax?

Or all the way back to when
I married Ax for his money

but had to sign a prenup

that would only be voided
if he cheated on me?

Oh, look, I told both stories!

See, Klaus?
That's how you tell a story.

Ugh!
I can't believe you, Roger.

This was never about me
getting my life back on track.

Oh, it's always about you.
What about Rosalyn's life?

Can't she win one for a change?

Wait. Who's Rosalyn?

Rosalyn...Rosalyn...

Yes, right.
I was at your wedding.

Ohh...
I owe you guys a present.

Yeah.

I know I keep coming back here,

but it's not to put
any pressure on you.

It's just...

I ate something
that didn't agree with me

at the goodbye buffet,

and I ruined
the facilities up front.

Like, if there was an air marshall

I would be in custody for
the bombs I brought on board.

You look amazing.

Ohh!

Ax, get out of here
before you crap your pants.

Wow. Most couples never achieve
that level of honesty.

You two obviously
have something.

I would also have something
if you sleep with him.

Cash.
Dolla, dolla bills.

No.
I'll give you a 50% cut.

I don't need your money.
I have a job.

Listen up, everybody.

So, I got kind of
a weird announcement.

Turns out, taking all
your employees on a vacation

and blowing 80 grand on hams

is not a smart way
to deal with a bad quarter.

So, after giving it
a lot of thought,

everyone sitting
on the right is fired.

Oh, sorry.
I meant my right.

Look at her, Klaus.
Right back at rock bottom.

No man, no job, no money.

She liked the guy, too.

Take me out of the picture,

and they might have
gotten together anyway.

Fine.

I'll sleep with Ax
to void your prenup.

♪ She's gonna do it,
she's gonna do it ♪

Okay.
Give me a head start

so I can be there
to catch you red-handed.

Hey, check it out.

Looks like somebody had
a good time in Belize.

Oh, Andrew. Oh.

- Mary killed Andrew!
- Whoo!

Oh, my God!
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Dad.
What are you doing?

Making things right.

Oh, my God.

Really? Oh, my God.

I saved the last dance
for you, Steve.

I just need a moment.

I'm ready.

Welcome to the O.C.,
bitch.

Hayley.

Hi, Ax.

I'm -- I'm so sorry I ran off
when I saw your tattoo.

That was a mistake.

But I-I came back because
I really care about you.

That's great.
I care about you, too.

No, I-it's not great,

because there's something
I need to tell you.

I've been having an affair
with your wife.

What? Rosalyn?
But how?

She's been in an iron lung
since she choked on a pixy stick

and paralyzed her diaphragm.

She just lies there, mute.

Ax, she's lying to you.

You know how she goes away
for "experimental treatments"?

Those are our getaways.

Let's just say the treatments
are...extremely experimental.

But...Rosalyn is...so frail.

She really perks up once you get
her out of the iron lung.

Stop!
You'll kill her.

Ugh, forget it.

Oh, this was a waste of eight years.

Thanks, Hayley.

If you want a ride home, I'm leaving now.

He's my ride.

He?

Hi, this is Elsa.

And Peter.
And Hans.

And Tolhans.
And Lars.

And Hans Junior.
And Peter Junior.

And little Tolhans.

And Bucksled.

Leave a message!

Uh, yes, this message is for Hans Junior.

Your mom is a total slut.