American Dad! (2005–…): Season 10, Episode 11 - Manhattan Magical Murder Mystery Tour - full transcript

This isn't how
she wanted to end her day...

or her life.

Private detective Tony Hurt!
How did you find me?!

I've been looking for you
my whole life.

Mm!

They made love not once...

...not twice,

but 2 1/2 times.

And she knew,
as she had never known before,

that the last time
wasn't her fault

because he was still
super into her.



The end...

of the book I wrote.

I loved it!

The whole time I was imagining
myself as Tony Hurt --

until the love scene,

when I became the housewife
for some reason.

But like I said, I loved it!

What was
your favorite part, Stan?

Come on, right drop!

You had a three-drop lead
on left drop.

Here it comes!

I can't wait to hear
this feedback.

Right drop!
Hmm.

Sir Alister Wright-Droppe
was such a small character.



I'm thrilled that he jumped
off the page for you.

I seem to have gotten away
with something here.

Well, you're not
the only ones going nuts

for "The Cobra in the Bag:
A Tony Hurt Mystery."

"By F.R. Ancine"?

Oh! "Francine."

You clever bitch.

The Federation
of American Mystery Writers

agree with you because
they nominated me for an award.

"Best lonely housewife
detective novella, softcore."

And guess what.

The awards banquet
is next weekend in Manhattan!

What do you say, Stan?
Are we all going?

Not the small one.

Not the small one.

The big apple!

You are my rock, Stan.

I'll start packing.

What day of the week is it?

Do I have to be at work?

♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪

♪ I got a feelin' that
it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪

♪ the sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ♪

♪ and he's shinin' a salute
to the American race ♪

♪ oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪

A real New York hotel!

How many Wall Street bankers
had their first prostitute here?

Oh, my God!

Is that best-selling
mystery author James Patterson?!

And his cardboard cutout,

who Charlie Rose
once interviewed for an hour.

He's receiving a lifetime
achievement award!

There are more of his books
a left on beaches

than used condoms.

That guy could easily turn
any two-bit detective characters

into a best seller,

which would then be optioned
for a movie!

The kind of movie that wouldn't
get a theatrical release

but would go straight
to Redbox?!

A Redbox exclusive!

Are you thinking
what I'm thinking?

This sounds like a case for...

Wheels and the Legman!
Wheels and the Legman!

We doing this, or what?

I can't change as fast as you.
Right, right.

We're gonna need
a polyester suit, hair dye,

and a wheelchair --

all things I've found before
in the bushes of Central Park.

What were you doing
in the bushes of Central Park?

Not looking for that stuff.

Kaboom!

You're D.O. Rothy,

the queen of lonely housewife
detective novellas, softcore.

I'm F.R. Ancine,
the competition.

I have no competition.

I've won this award
six years in a row,

and I intend to win it again.

Wait, aren't we in
a literary feud like, um,

uh, um...

Oh. Gee, um...

I want to say Mary someone!

That's right!
Keep walkin'!

Glad we didn't have to go
all the way to Central Park

to find this stuff.

Well, sometimes a massive fire
breaks out in a senior home

across the street
right when you need it --

and right when you set it.

Now let's go talk
to James Patterson.

Legman, that's a "novel" idea.

I've missed us.

Excuse me,
Mr. Patterson?

Oh, for crying out loud!

What's the biggest author
in the world have to do

to get a little privacy?

Maybe not stand in the lobby

next to a giant picture
of yourself?

Sorry.

It's just whenever
I come to one of these things,

every super-fan loser
comes out of the woodwork,

and they all think

they've got the best idea
for my next book.

Well, I can assure you

that is not what brought
my associate and I --

"Me" --
associate and me.

Objective pronoun.
The man's a writer.

Allow I to introduce we --

Wheels and the Legman,
private eyes!

And we have the best idea
for your next book.

Look at him!
He loves it!

That's just another
cardboard cutout.

Ah, right, when people talk,
you don't see their words.

Okay, dad,
the first thing I want to do

is go to the United Nations.

Hayley, we're in New York City.

There's no way I'm doing that.

I want to go on
a copper-mine tour.

I-I don't think
they have that here.

Hayley, everywhere
I've ever vacationed

has a copper-mine tour --
New Mexico, Utah, Nebraska.

You're telling me
that all those places

have something
that the so-called

"greatest city in the world"
doesn't?

Why don't
we just go do our own things?

Excuse me,
I couldn't help overhearing

your conversation
I was eavesdropping on.

I may have something
that both of you will like --

"An Evening with Robert Wuhl
at Carnegie Hall."

Who's Robert Wuhl?

He's a very famous actor.

Well, I've never heard of him.
Neither have I.

Sounds like you two
finally agree on something.

I'll set two tickets aside.

Show's in three hours.

Until then, I'll be taking
a tour of that copper mine --

in my imagination.

Oh! Pennies?

Really?!

F.R. Ancine?
I'm James Patterson.

I know. I met
your cutout this morning.

I just want to say
I'm a big fan of your work.

The way you write dialogue
reminds readers

it's really hard
to write dialogue.

Of course Patterson
wasn't interested.

He's only heard us beatboxing.

He's got to see
our detective work.

And it looks like
we got ourselves a case.

"The case
of the missing napkin."

All right, everyone.
This is a crime scene.

No one touch anything!

I'll do the touching.

Damn it, Legman!

Can't you work a case
without falling in love?

Check us out, Patterson.

We've got drama,
banter, romance --

It's writing itself.

He's probably just hiding
behind that cut-out.

He's good.

James Patterson
likes my writing!

Maybe I should prepare
an acceptance speech.

You should be more worried

about making
it to the ceremony at all.

This hotel can be...
treacherous.

It would be a shame
if something happened to you,

since you can only win
if you're there.

Was she just threatening me?

What? S-sorry.

We're -- we're trying
to bag the evidence

without touching it.

Ugh. This is impossible.
Can't I just touch it?

Wait.
Do we need it, even?

Congratulations
again to Michelle.

Speak up!
Sorry.

Uh, I'm really more used
to editing than public speaking.

The next category is --

Oh, my God, you suck!

Well, i-if you think
you can do better --

The next category
is self-published

lonely housewife
detective novellas, softcore!

And the winner is...

You have the envelope, dipshit!

Um...

F.R. Ancine.

All right, mom!

F.R. Ancine?

Well, i-if she's not here,

then the award
goes to D.O. Rothy.

Yes!

What?!
Yes!

I finally got the napkin
in the bag.

Forget the napkin.

We need to figure out
where my mom is.

Your mom?
I'm gonna need a bigger bag.

There's no sign of her!

But plenty of signs
of a struggle.

Her necklace.

She would never
go anywhere without that!

Except to the poor part of town.

Stan never lets us take
more than $20

for the whole family.

And I'd call racist,
but they get us every time.

So either my mom
knocked over this chair

rushing to
the poor part of town or...

She's been...

taken!
...Kidnapped!

Whoa!
I guess we're a bit rusty.

Let--
let's do that again.

She's been...

...taken!
Kidnapped!

I-I really feel like
we need to get this

before we can start looking
for your mom.

It does seem important.

Yes, hi.

I-I'd like to report
a missing person.

Oh, she's been gone
around 10 minutes.

Nope. Haven't looked
anywhere yet.

Kind of panicked and called you.

Hello?
This is bad.

No! We've got Wheels
and the Legman on the case.

First thing we're gonna do
is photograph the crime scene.

Oh, ho, ho, ho.
What have we here?

Wheels, get a picture of these.

Legman!

Meow!

We're supposed to
be looking for evidence,

and we're never gonna find it --
oh, hello.

A receipt from the hotel spa.

Our first clue.

Must have been dropped
by the perp.

Let's go check it out.

Only you and I know.

I also know!

Ignore him.

Well, we're here at
the world famous Carnegie Hall.

Closed?
We were supposed to see a show

starring famous celebrity...
"Robert... Wuhl."

At your service.

You're the guy from the hotel.
What are you doing here?

Surprise!
I'm Bobby Wuhl!

Ha ha! It's me!

You're Robert Wuhl?
In the flesh.

Now let's head out
and get us some potato salad!

Wait, I-I thought
we were spending an evening

at Carnegie Hall?

No, you're spending an evening
with Robert Wuhl.

It just started
at Carnegie Hall.

You're gonna love
the potato salad

at this place --
big chunks of potatoes!

Look, you're my partner,
and I respect

that you play by your own rules,

but this feels like a dead end.

I'm afraid
the only dead ends here

are the nerves in your legs
because look what I just found.

It's a piece of menu
from per se,

one of the finest restaurants
in New York.

And it has a smudge
of mom's lipstick on it!

She must have left this for us,
like a bread crumb.

Oh, mom, I'd recognize
your shade anywhere --

dog-dick red.

Help!
Is anyone there?! Anyone?!

A paperclip.

Oh, thank God.

That poppy seed
was lodged there all day.

Help!

Somebody help!

Mmm!

You see, I was the star
of a show called "Arli$$."

I've never heard of that.

It was on HBO.
Really?

'Cause I haven't seen it
on HBO Go.

Yes, it's "HBO went."

More like "HBO gone."

"HBO left
for a pack of cigarettes

but never came back."

Nice.
Feed the chicken.

Enough! We were on
for seven seasons!

If you want to get to know me...

Meh.
Meh.

...you'll love
the next part

of the evening
with Robert Wuhl --

my house.

You live in a deli?
No!

I'm picking up
some more potato salad.

If you think I'm done

eating potato salad for the day,

then you don't know
Robert Wuhl.

That's what
we're trying to tell you.

We can't be any more clear
about this.

Eat up, Wheels.

These lactaid pills
don't last forever.

I'm not hungry --

mostly because we've had
a nine-course tasting menu

and an ice-cream sundae
while my mom is missing!

Everything we've done
has been solid detective work.

During our meal at per se,

what did we discover in the water glasses?
Ice.

Which sent us
to Rockefeller Center

to do some skating on...

Ice.
Another clue.

Which told us to go get
an ice cream sundae.

Don't you see?
Ice at three places!

I don't get it.

We have to go to the ice machine

on the third floor of the hotel.

Really?
There's no time to lose.

One more bite.

Uh-oh.

Ah, that was a long one.

My mom could be dead.

That's low-energy banter,
Wheels.

Aha!

It's her room key!

I bet she was locked
in her closet the whole time --

probably by someone
who roofied her Fanta

and then finished her Fanta

'cause he's built up
an immunity to roofies.

You fake-kidnapped my mom,
didn't you?

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa.
Whoa. Whoa.

Whoa. Whoa.

How did you know that?

Were you running a parallel
investigation into me?!

Are you wearing a wire?!

Why, Roger?!
Why did you do this?!

We needed a great case
to impress James Patterson,

so I made one.
That's so stupid!

James Patterson
hasn't seen any of this!

I just assumed he'd hear
about it through the grapevine.

Hear about what?!

That we had
the perfect New York day?!

Yeah, I'd say we did.

You had me freaked out
about my mom for nothing!

It's not for nothing --
it's for the book deal.

Wheels, you can walk!

My partner can walk!
You don't have a partner

'cause partners don't lie
about the other partner's mom!

And partners don't make
the other partner

split the dinner check

when the other partner
didn't drink any of the wine!

I don't remember
drinking four bottles of wine,

and that's not the kind of thing
you forget.

Don't worry, mom.
I'm here.

Where is she?
What do you mean?

She's right...
Wha-huh-huh?

Where is my mommy?!

She's been kidnapped for real.

This is so bad.

Four bottles!

Oh, my God.

You let me drink
four bottles of wine?

Your mom's missing.

Yes, it's the same
missing person from before,

but this time it's real!

I know because I faked
the first kidnapping.

My information?

The police aren't gonna help us.

What we need are the two
best detectives in the world.

But the two best detectives
broke up

because one of them lied
and ruined everything.

And I don't know if we can
ever get that trust back.

What if I promise
never to lie to you again?

Yay!
Let's solve this case!

I think I just did.

Footprints from
a woman's high-heeled shoes.

They're probably your mom's.

Does my mom wear
two different size shoes?

I don't know, Steve.

I'm not obsessed with your mom
like you are.

So, this is my crib.

Oh, what's that smell?
Hmm.

Don't you know you're supposed
to refrigerate potato salad?

I disagree.

So, that's my game table.

It's where we'll play
Candy Land tonight.

All part of the evening!

Yeah, I think
this evening is over.

This evening doesn't end
until midnight,

and don't even think
about running away,

'cause I'll catch you.

I was the second-fastest guy
on "Arli$$,"

and I'll be even faster

after I drop the potatoes off
at the pool.

When this day started, Hayley,

I was bummed
to be stuck with you.

I wasn't super thrilled, either.

But now I know you're not
the worst person in the world

to hang out with.

Let's get out of here.
But he's looking right at us.

He's on the toilet.

He's not actually
gonna chase us.

He's right behind us!

We shouldn't have spent
so much time stretching!

You'll be happy we did tomorrow!

Hey, Legman.

Why do mystery writers
look so well-rested?

I don't know. Maybe because
they're always kid-napping.

We're fun, huh, Patterson?

What are you implying?

We're not implying.
We're im-saying.

You kidnapped
F.R. Ancine.

That's absurd.

Is it? Who won the award
when she didn't show up?

Who was overheard
threatening her?

I never --
This hotel can be "treacherous"?

Sounds like a threat to me.

Oh, God, no.

To get to the ballroom,
you have to take

the north elevator
to the lower lobby,

and then take the escalator
back to the upper mezzanine,

then walk down
a flight of stairs.

It's very...
treacherous.

You mean "confusing"?

Perhaps my word choice
was a little...

treacherous.

So I suppose you can account
for your whereabouts

earlier tonight?

I was...

being intimate with Daniel.

It's true.
I put that ass to sleep.

But I-if it's not you --

Run, people!

Robert Wuhl is a maniac!

Only Robert Wuhl decides

when an evening
with Robert Wuhl ends!

Well, well, well.

Looks like we have
a celebrity guest star.

So?
So, according to "Murder, She Wrote,"

the celebrity guest
is always the one who done it.

You just ruined
every "Murder, She Wrote"

I haven't seen.

Let's -- let's get him,
I guess.

Mr. Wuhl, I'm a big fan!

Oh, why, thank you.

It's always nice to --
wait a minute.

Big fan?
That doesn't sound right.

You like picking on girls, huh?

Makes you feel like a tough guy?

I have no idea
what you're talking about.

I'm talking about
"Kung Fu Panda."

Hi-yah!

Wheels, I need help!

I gotcha, partner!

Aah!

What the hell's wrong
with you guys?

You kidnapped my mom!
Are you crazy?

I've been hanging out
with good friends all night,

and now they've slipped
through my fingers.

But I'll hunt them down.
Don't you worry about Arliss.

What's Arliss?
Who knows?

But that's not our guy.

He's not wearing
high-heeled shoes.

Right!
We were looking for a woman.

That was the one thing we knew.

And it wouldn't be
our lowest moment

if Patterson wasn't here
to see it.

Pathetic.

Son of a bitch!

It was Patterson the whole time!

Or at least in the end.

We got to stop him!

Legman, you're still
in that bowling league, right?

Throw me!

You know I stick my fingers
in the holes pretty deep.

Just get me there.

You missed!

Wow! Sick spin!

Mom, you're safe!

Oh, thank God you found me!

This monster kidnapped me

and was making me
write a book for him!

Here's the first chapter.

It's pretty much
what we talked about.

I made a couple changes.
Just -- just be gentle.

Why would you need her
to write a book?

I'm trying to get into
the young-adult market,

but I just can't make
my exquisite writing

that simple.

Francine is naturally banal.

Thank you.

How about this weather
we're having?

See, that's the magic
I'm trying to capture.

One more question.
Why the high heels?

Confidence.

Sorry, one more question.

They give you confidence

or you have enough confidence
to wear them?

Doesn't matter,
'cause I'm confident

he's going away for a long time,

thanks to Wheels and the Legman.

All right, let's go, Patterson.

He's cardboard again.

"Skids & the Walking Guy"?!

Patterson stole our characters!

"Soon to be
a major motion picture"?!

He stole our idea
to make it into a movie!

Says here it's gonna be
a Redbox exclusive!

He stole our distribution model!

Hey, at least you made
Patterson some money.

Feed the chicken.

Roger?

Feed the damn chicken, Rog!

Don't leave the chicken hanging!

Whoop!

The chicken does not eat.

Must be full.

Chicken's been eating all day.